⊰ ataraxia ⊱

❝“The idea of losing control is one that FASCINATES controlled people such as ourselves more than almost anything.”❞ · · · · ⊰ clarabel moreau ⊱ 5th. eagle. pureblood.

[sunflowersandhappycolours-deact]

Tell me every terrible thing you did, and let me love you anyway.

(via lipstick-bullet)

[astierx-blog]

If Astier had known the kind of turn this evening with Clara would have taken, the truth of the matter was that he still would have spent his time rewriting his homework. Even if it was for the worse. There was nothing that could have prepared him for the daggers wielding from her usually warm and welcoming eyes. Immediately, he avoided her gaze, hanging his head a little as he looked down at his parchment but his hand remained still as his index finger began twitching, a constant tapping against the wood. 

Astier tried to clear his throat, swallowing down the lump that’d swiftly formed at the back of his throat. The worst part was Astier couldn’t ascertain exactly who she was referring to. Though, from her select circle of friends, he could discern the target in question. For a couple of beats, an awkward silence amassed them whilst Astier searched for his words. “Because she’s a blood traitor, Clara.” Finally, he spoke up in his mother tongue, albeit timidly and still avoiding her gaze. He wanted her to know how badly he tried to avoid the scenario. “She insulted me, so I insulted her back. I wouldn’t intimidate or insult ghosts,” He wouldn’t be able to. “I wouldn’t have said anything if I was by myself,” he admitted in a hushed tone. “Anyway, I have lots of things to do on Halloween, so you will probably be better off taking one of your other friends. A girl, though. Boys prefer to do other things on Halloween.”

[lefeugentil]

Immediately, guilt washed over her & even if her gaze on him didn’t break it did soften. Had she been too harsh? She hadn’t meant to, in fact, she had meant to come off as concerned with maybe a little disappointment, but she had never meant to be harsh. Clara could feel her heart drop to her stomach when she realized she may have hurt his feelings, even if logically it was good that someone had called him out on it.  It wasn’t the first time she had called him out but she stood tall then -- looking straight at him, tears t h r e a t e n i n g to brim on her lash lines. Any of the control of her magic she had was gone then as she saw vines wrapping around the table -- it was best if she spoke now, got it out. Then it would stop. McGonagall said she had to embrace it. Even if she couldn’t fathom doing so.

In French, she replied just the same, “What, so you’ll go around being a brute to every blood traitor? You didn’t have to be physical. And you wouldn’t? What if the ghosts had been blood traitors in their life?” Even though she knew that he wouldn’t, her words escaped her & she was feeling all too much and letting it all just go. A strange feeling indeed, one that was relieving but one she was also taught to suppress. “I know,” she resigned, still knowing it wasn’t acceptable even if it was understandable. “You’re better without them, Astier,” she said just as softly, trying to then focus her energy back into being in control. 

His then shocking coldness was what helped numb some of the feeling, the vines starting to grow smaller, eventually vanishing. “So, now you’re telling me I couldn’t bring a friend if he was a boy? What if I was invited by Milo? Or someone else?” Even though there was no one else, she knew Astier would somehow buy into it -- though that was rude of her. Cruel. Had she really just said that? Clara sighed, just wishing she could apologize, hug him even, but felt a barrier that while intangible, was solid enough to divide them. 

“I wanted you to come with me,” she admitted quietly in French, not being able to meet his eyes then. It hurt. Why did he have to be difficult? Why couldn’t they talk? Clara didn’t give up, but she wondered. 

[jxmiemclaggen-blog]

“It’s fine, really,” —- not many people do, anyways, Jamie reminded himself. At least she wasn’t going to make fun of him. In fact, even if he’d interrupted her, Clara didn’t seem to mind his presence. He shrugged, “fair enough, that’s cool. And sometimes it’s better to give up for the day rather than keep trying for it when it isn’t working.” He was sure it was the truth for other people, and he conveniently left out that even when studying wasn’t working, Jamie forced himself into it. “Potions, right. I can clear out if you’d like, I’m sure you’d need to concentrate for that?”

[lefeugentil]

Clara noticed & could feel how he seemed a little sad after him saying it was ‘fine’. She didn’t comment on it, and she didn’t admit to him either that she had been talking to herself -- but as long as he didn’t seem to be offended, Clara was alright. “It really is, it is so nice that I can do that here as well. It’s certainly helped me get more done. I’ll come back to it ... eventually.” Switching her Charms book with the Potions next to her, she smiled at him ,”oh no, you really don’t have to. Potions is actually my strongest subject here. I was going to reward myself with it once I had finished Charms but at least I’m still getting something done. But if I’ve disturbed you, I’m sure I could sit somewhere else? You seem very involved with your work.”

[astierx-blog]

Admittedly, Astier had no reason to have spent all his free time in the library. However, he hadn’t yet managed to figure out a way to take Clara to Hogsmeade for the weekend, nor was there anyone else he liked to be in the company of aside from his sister, so he sat opposite his oldest friend and rewrote his Potions homework for the third time.

As Clara awoke from her nap, Astier swiftly diverted his eyes to his parchment, grabbing his quill as he pretended to work, albeit the dried up ink on the tip. “Are you… Who are you, um–” Lifting his gaze to settle on Clara again, Astier immediately noticed the ink smudge on her cheek. Amused, a soft exhale breezed through his lips, pushing the corners of his lips to form a ghost of a smile. Trying his best not to laugh and to hide his smile, he bit on his gums asking, “Who are you going with?”

[lefeugentil]

At first, Clara wanted to smile when she woke up and saw Astier -- noticing small things like how his homework seemed to be repetitive, and how he couldn’t string a sentence together properly to talk to her it seemed -- out of nervousness ( though he’d never admit it ). Then, she remembered how the same boy in front of her had been harsh with, no, bullied someone in her house she really liked. And for what? Being a blood traitor? This mentality angered her, even if she knew Astier didn’t really know better. Even if she knew this was how the people she loved around her were. It didn’t mean he needed to go around berating every blood traitor in the castle. The smile on her face that was there for a moment faded as she looked at him seriously.

“Well, I was going to invite you but I’m a little worried for some of the ghosts wellfare. You might intimidate them,” she retorted, shooting him a look. “Or, insult them. They wouldn’t like that.” Her voice, even if it was stern, wasn’t demeaning or rude -- it was just something she tried to bring up with him when she noticed. “Why?”

[halcyonwrites]

You saw her beauty, but not the iron underneath.

George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones (via halcyonwrites)

[viciouselxgance-blog1]

“Why do people think that me being a Ravenclaw that means I’m going to do their homework for them? I have better things to do with my time than make up for your lack of competance.” 

[lefeugentil]

“I’ve gathered that that’s the house stereotype, it’s a bit ridiculous, but, I suppose you could always just ... -- use your sharp words to get them to leave you alone, no?”

[jxmiemclaggen-blog]

Social queues didn’t manage to slip even Jamie, and his eyebrows drew at her surprised oh. “You… you weren’t talking to me, were you?” He looked at the floor beneath himself sheepishly, small, hesitant laughter filtering out of his lips to meet Clara’s. Jamie nodded, training his gaze toward her with a raised brow. Someone remembered his name, “yes, I’m Jamie. Are you sure, though? I don’t mind helping at all, and I rather like Charms.”

[lefeugentil]

Clara wasn’t sure exactly how to answer the question. Did she just admit that she was slightly crazy and talking to herself? She didn’t have to give more information than he asked for. “No, I apologize, I wasn’t talking to you,” she couldn’t help but continue to laugh, even going as far as to cover her mouth for doing so. It was embarrassing, really. “You’re very kind, but I’m going to have to decline your offer for help. It’s really just down to having to practice them all at this point but I don’t think I have it in me today.” A partial lie, she couldn’t practice because she’d easily lose control -- it was what always made Charms so difficult. “I should probably move onto my Potions essay, really.”

[grehta]

Greta had, too, been in the library to get some very necessary studying gone. As it turned out, it was possible for Transfiguration to get even harder, and so she simply had to spend most of her time devoted to the subject she was so horrible at —– after all, redoing the year because she failed Transfiguration was no option. However, her mind was soon taken off the incredibly difficult subject, as eyes laid themselves on Clara, as she saw her friend waking up.

“It’s going to be amazing, I’m subconsciously counting the days,” she said cheerfully, letting her books drop on the table and sitting down across from the brunette. “Are you alright, though?”

[lefeugentil]

A breath of fresh air. Greta. 

It was a nice way to come back to Earth, and the fact that Greta shared in her excitement was even nicer. Not many people could understand the fascination she had with ghouls & the great beyond, the ones who knew of it thought it was strange, scary, morbid. A select few accepted it despite not understanding. Maybe it was, morbid that is, but the fear of ghosts turned into a deep love for them and the party she knew would be the first of many ghosts parties she hoped to be able to attend. 

“It is, isn’t it? It’s going to be s p e c t a c u l a r. I wonder what the ghost parties will be like fifty years from now or so.” At Greta’s question, she smiled over at her friend. Was she alright? In the grand scheme of things, she wasn’t always certain -- but at the moment? Clara supposed she was. “I’m wonderful, just tired as you can see. Thank you for asking. And you? Are you alright? ...-- Looks like a heavy load of books you have there. Is Transfiguration still giving you a hard time?”

[curiousxmind-blog]

It wasn’t often that Gideon wandered to the library for schoolwork, but apparently even he couldn’t crack the Arithmancy sums given by his professor to solve. He had decided that maybe a book or two in the library could help him refresh his mind of the formulas he learned the previous year. Just as he was glancing around at the bookshelves for a suitable book, Gideon heard a voice from a table to his right, only to find his housemate Clara just waking up from what seemed to be a nap.

“Ghost party, hm?” Gideon chimed in, his lips curling into a little smile. “What about it that makes you so excited?”

[lefeugentil]

There was always someone lurking about the library it seemed. No longer was she in solitude away from the world and in her own, it was hard to remember, especially in the depths of what the Hogwarts library was. Looking up, she gave her housemate Gideon a polite smile ( though, he deserved more ) that soon turned into an excited one at the prospect of sharing why she was so excited. Still, she knew she had to contain herself -- not just because she could easily lose control while getting worked up about something she loved but because there was a wall between her & mostly everyone that had to be maintained. Even if she slipped past it sometimes, made exceptions ( too many ), did things she wasn’t supposed to -- there had to be a boundary some of the time. 

Clarabel Moreau could never be one hundred percent accessible to anyone, it was rule of thumb at this point. Her mother’s most recent letter reminded her of what was at stake if she ever was to stray too far from what was acceptable. 

“Would you really like to know why?” She knew that if he really did, she’d let go for a few minutes and explain as much as she liked before going back into her mind again.

[ravenclawwrites]

[lefeugentil]

Ҫlarabel Ӎoreau //aesthetic 

    ↳ “ It’s a very Greek idea, and a very profound one. ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛʏ ɪs ᴛᴇʀʀᴏʀ. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? “

[lefeugentil]

★ ( from Greta )

I like you // I love you // You’re one of my best friends // You’re like family // You are family // I dislike you // I hate you // I’d kill you if I got the chance // I’m scared of you // I would adopt you // I’d date you // I’d sleep with you // I’d marry you // I’m worried about you // You confuse me // You’re annoying // I pity you // I respect you // I feel protective of you // I’d invite you with me to parties // I’d lend you my money // I’d borrow your money // You’re good-looking // I’m suspicious of you // I’m hiding something from you // You’re fun // You’re boring // You’re nice // You’re mean // You’re smart // You’re stupid // I look up to you // I think you’re a better person than me // I think I’m a better person than you // I want to apologize to you // I wish I’d never met you // I never want to forget you // I want to get to know you better

[jxmiemclaggen-blog]

“Uh,” Jamie cleared his throat, startled eyes blinking over his shoulder as if he expected the person she was actually speaking with to be right behind him. When no one came into view, he turned back and cleared his throat a second time. “Uh. Clara, right? Right.” Jamie glanced over her work for a quick second, “I could, um, try to help if you’d like? What are you studying?”

[lefeugentil]

Even though she hadn’t meant to start a conversation ( the habit of talking to oneself was hard to break after doing so for many years ), she had. “Oh? Help me?” It was kind, a nice offer really but Clara didn’t want to waste his time. “I think I’d rather sleep more and dream that I’ll suddenly know about a year worth of Charms, but, I tried that and only got ink on my face,” she laughed weakly at herself. “But, thank you, McLaggen -- Jamie ... -- correct?”

[lefeugentil]

Clarabel had been in the library studying for what felt like hours ( she wasn’t able to go on a Hogsmeade weekend yet, so, she had some extra time to kill – that she desperatelyneeded for studying ). After finding herself succumbing to sleep, she yawned, waking up to find some ink smudged on her face.

“I can’t wait for the ghost party on Halloween. Might be the only thing motivating me right now,” she mused, rising from her hunched over position.

[corydiawrites-blog]

SEND ME ONE FOR MY MUSE’S REACTION.

[lefeugentil]

“What are you saying?”

“You left me.”

“You broke my heart!”

“I don’t love you.”

“You’re beautiful when you smile.”

“Don’t pout”

“Stop crying.”

“You did this.”

“I’m just a fuck up.”

“Get out!”

“I think I accidentally walked into a gay bar.”

“Don’t call me.”

“I won’t call you.”

“Call me.”

“You’re making this harder than it has to be.”

“I’m not breaking up with you.”

“You’re breaking up with me.”

“That’s so cliche.”

“I think I’m sick.”

“I’m a little drunk.”

“Stop making this so hard.”

“Are you following me?”

“There’s no such thing as a sexy bathroom.”

“Stop being a wimp.”

“I’m not ticklish.”

“Stop touching me.”

“If you poke me one more time, I’m going to punch you.”

“I should hate you.”

“On a scale from one to Romeo and Juliet, how bad was that story?”

“You can’t lie to me.”

“This is the worst idea ever.”

“This is stupid.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“I don’t eat chocolate.”

“It’s just rain.”

“I said no, that means no.”

“Come watch the stars with me.”

“It’s not a date.”

“It’s totally a date.”

“Your kiss is like poison.”

“I’m not leaving this bed.”

“I’m never showing my face to the outside world again.”

“That was so embarrassing.“ 

“There’s so much idiocy in this room.”

“You make it hard to breath.”

“I want a pet.”

“We could always just get wasted.”

“Come play video games with me.”

“Come have a Netflix date with me.”

“Use protection!”

“Do you even hear what you’re saying?”

“Just shut up.”

“I’m not good with small children.”

“If I never teach my kids how to shoot a marshmallow shooter, I have failed as a parent.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s my shirt.”

“We could always just make out?”

“I have a date with an ice cream carton and on demand movies.”

“Give me a chance. Or at least like, half a chance.”

“You’re acting all Edward Cullen-ish, and it’s making me uncomfortable.”

“We could always play truth or dare?”

“You’re on a roll tonight, aren’t you?”

“You’re a problem.”

“I’d be so content with never seeing you again.”

“I think I saw you in a dream once.”

“If I had to choose between talking to you and having to eat a cup of screws, I’d probably still go with the screws.”

“I didn’t mean to break it.”

“I don’t know, but I probably had sex with him/her.”

“Stop being a judgy asshole.”

“I can’t control that!”

“This was a natural response.”

[xhecate]

                           Well, I’ve got thick skin                                      and an elastic heart,

[misswallflower]

“I love your loneliness. It is brave. It makes the universe want to protect you.”

Ben Okri, “Astonishing the Gods (via ravenclawwrites)

[steverollers-deactivated2016090]

Surely she was too young to have so many ghosts.