[computerexploder]

im just someones weird sister

[charlielovesbuffy]

I fully believe, to the depths of my soul, that if one of the Metros said “I bet Rozanov has a tiny dick”, Shane “maybe he’s sick” “he’s not” Hollander would instantly say “he doesn’t” and then walk into the ocean

[priorwaltress]

all babies are baby gender. you dress them stupid, in pumpkins and teddy bear suits

[hardlyhinged]

Ilya brags about Jane in the locker room and how hot and sexy and slutty she is but in an effort to play it cool ie keep people from wanting to meet her brushes off any questions about going exclusive or locking her down

This of course immediately backfired as multiple teammates who’ve heard Ilya go on and on about how quick Jane drops to her knees to suck him off or begs for him to hit it from the back while arching against his bulge are now clambering for this woman’s number who apparently cums hands free and knows more about puck than anyone here

It gets to the point Ilya has to hide his phone and can no longer get lost in his and Shane’s pregame texting world because now he has to be vigilant for hands looking to snatch his phone directly out of his damn hands (it’s happened twice already and Ilya fought like a feral animal to get it back)

Ultimately it doesn’t last too long though because Ilya can only pretend to be cool for so long before he snaps at yet another teammate fantasizing about fucking his Montreal Jane which… ends in his whole team smirking at him?

“What is happening? Why are your faces broken?”

“You tell us Mr. ‘Shut your fucking face before I shut it for you.’ Really nailing that whole ‘casual’ thing, huh?”

“Shut up. Is nothing serious, you all are just being gross.”

“You threatened me with your skate when I said I wanted to bang her.”

“Yes, is gross. You should not talk about women like that.”

“You literally bit me when I grabbed your phone.”

“Okay? Is very rude to grab other people’s things.”

“You actually growled ‘she’s mine’ after I politely asked for her number.”

“…”

“…?”

“…she is.”

“And there it is. Good job boys. Now hit the showers, Rozy here has to go text his girlfriend.”

“She is not-”

“Hey so if you keep talking we’re all going to kill you with hammers. Text your girl, make it official, and then maybe next time you can bring her around when we’re back in Montreal. Love to meet the broad who tamed our cap.”

“…Right.”

The team assumes the worst when Ilya stops talking about Jane after that.

[caralikesgay]

new headcanon: at some point during the post-cottage pre-ottowa year, they get roped into some gimmicky press event where they have to play one of those newlywed-esque games where they're competing to see which cap/alt duo knows each other best, ilya and cliff vs shane and hayden.

except, immediately, they can't help also answering for each other. ilya starts it. he's supposed to be answering a question about cliff while hayden answers a question about shane, and he just knows that pike is going to get it wrong or at least less specific than what he knows shane is going to say. he knows he shouldn't but winning a competition while also dunking on pike is just too good for him to pass up.

and then shane is supposed to be answering a question about pike while cliff is answering about ilya, and shane has to get ilya back, and also he definitely knows this answer for his boyfriend. he knows the exact phrasing he's going to use.

when they're asked why they know all these answers about each other, they're able to mostly pass it off as "know thy enemy" but they also try to toe the line with "we've known each other for like a decade, i think we proved at the ASG last season that we can be in the same room without murdering each other."

by the time they get to the final round, the producers have given up with trying to make anyone answer questions about cliff or hayden, it's just cliff vs shane on who knows ilya best, and ilya vs hayden on who knows shane best. they start getting weirdly specific, when asked about shane's favorite drink, hayden's feeling smug writing "ginger ale :)" while ilya's writing "ginger ale, canada dry, 2°C, NO ICE." when asked what ilya's favorite swear is, cliff writes "blat? (russian for fuck)" while shane writes "blyat" and then tries to write it in cyrillic underneath and gets it *almost* correct.

when they announce the irina foundation, it helps back up that they're friends, maybe they haven't hated each other for a while, actually. when they later get outed, it gets extremely brought back. "how did we not see it back then? right in front of all of our salads??"

[aibazuos]

is this enough to know what ship im drawing?

(ignore how shitty the person in the back is sketched, im going to fix it)

[my-castles-crumbling]

okay stay with me for this one.

When Ilya moves to the Centaurs he doesn’t get to keep his number. Some old fuck on the team already has it and refuses to trade, no matter how much Ilya bribes him.

so, in true Ilya Rozanov fashion, he picks the number 24. People think he did it to be an asshole, which is true, but he also did it to have Shane with him all the time. Shane was both infuriated and touched by it.

but then of course, years later, SHANE transfers to Ottawa. And lo and behold, the old fuck who had number 81 retired, so when Shane has to choose a number?

81 is available.

so the first day of training, Shane walks into practice in a jersey that says Hollander, 81, with an absolutely shit-eating grin on his face.

and Ilya goes insane.

[mercyandmountainwater]

Y’know what’s an interesting concept.. the idea that the Centaurs aren’t just bad or rebuilding, they’re specifically where you send the rejects. The guys who might be talented but ‘disrupt the culture’

Troy calls out Dallas Kent for being a rapist and he’s on the quickest bus to Ottawa. What if he wasn’t alone in that? What if most of the guys who end up in Ottawa get there because of a general refusal to buy in to the leagues bullshit?

one guy throws a punch after hearing a defensemen talk shit about the women he’d been sleeping with. Another refuses to play nice when his teammates are being racist. Never full on social warrior campaigns but a general refusal to put up with ‘locker room culture’ to be part of the ‘good ole boys club. They’re weird. They’re woke. They’re ‘on the bus to Ottawa.’

Ilya goes to a team that’s passionate and angry. They’re good hockey players, can play with the best of them… except they can’t because they refused to play the game behind the scenes. Too good for the AHL and too ‘soft’ for the MLH.

He quickly realizes just how much this team needed him. How much hockey might need this team. How much he might need this team.

[artofjeggs]

cat burglar

[consumer-of-books]

There's a version of Shane that saw his fuckbuddy/hatefuck struggle to answer the reporter's and then decided to start learning Russian only to get so in his head about his pronunciation that he never admits to Ilya that he knows it and as such understands when Ilya tells him he loves him in Russian, and thinks that he must have misheard him, hears all the petnames Ilya calls him during sex and assumes it's his bad Russian and that Ilya hasn't just called him his favourite sexy lawnmower.

Then when they move Ottawa after getting outed Ilya starts working with Shane on his Russian and is like wow Hollander I was joking before when I said you'd be perfect and learn Russian in a week but you really are learning very fast. And then Shane gets all quiet and blushy.

Eventually Ilya teases Shane into admitting that he has been learning for years but was convinced he was really bad at it because Ilya kept saying things like sweetheart and calling him garden appliances.

Shane starts getting pissed when Ilya continues to tease him and bites back with IM NOT A FUCKING LAWNMOWER and Ilya just loses it.

Afterwards Ilya is barely able to breathe and only able to string together sentences in Russian and Shane is just rapidfire complaining at him in Russian and it just sends Ilya further into a bout of hysterics because Shane is basically fluent.

[indigosfindings]

i really like this thing where websites will have separate "log in" & "sign up" buttons and if you click "log in" it takes you to a sign-up screen anyway so you have to click "i already have an account" and then it will ask if you want to sign in with your facebook account or with instagram or linkedin or deviantart or whatever, and if you choose "username & password" it asks if you want to put in your username or use your thumbprint, and once you put your username & password it emails you a confirmation code, and once you put in the code it says "do you want to give us your phone number for future sign-ins? do you want to sign up for facial recognition? do you want to give us your bones? give us your fucking bones?

[girlballs-archive]

websites prior to like the 2010s: sign in with your username and password

websites now:

[formerlyluckymanticore]

pros of having a large vocabulary: many words i know

cons of having a large vocabulary: many words i only know the vibe for

[polaroidpaladin]

I can't count how many times I've researched a word because I don't know exactly what it means, only vibes

[mckitterick]

[hemipenal-system]

queer allies as a rule have got to get more normal about the idea that trans women can have periods

[hemipenal-system]

keep in mind i am not a biologist in any way but my understanding of it basically goes

the period is all hormones. if you have the hormones but not the uterus you can still get everything except the bleeding from the uterus. yknow because your body can't detect that one peripheral but the rest of the program still works

the actual cramps and pain aren't from the uterus they're from the muscles around the uterus squeezing it, which you have even if you don't have a uterus

so if you're a trans girl you can't shed the uterine lining obviously but you can still get things like fatigue, cravings, mood swings, back cramps, and breast tenderness

this isn't really a thing common to trans women either. there's a bunch of ways cis women and other uterus havers can have bloodless periods too (stress, diet, birth control, anovulation, apparently thyroid issues sometimes) no matter what some terfs on reddit want you to think lmao

[perlukafarinn]

Canon divergent AU where Shane is a little more paranoid and when Hayden first comments on "Boston Lily", he decides he has to do something to break up the pattern and make it not so noticeable that he's got someone on Boston.

Not seeing Rozanov is not an option, so instead Shane picks out a few other cities to regularly go out by himself in. He'll go for a long walk, maybe sit down somewhere for a drink, and then catch a taxi back to the hotel an appropriate amount of time later. It's honestly pretty nice, unwinding by himself in this way, and now disappearing after games is not a thing specific to Boston! It's just another strange Hollander quirk!

Unfortunately, he fails to account for the guys on the team jumping on the most obvious explanation for all these disappearances, which is that Shane now has a girl in every port.

Word about this starts to spread quick, because it is so out of character for Shane, and pretty soon half the league is under the impression that he's some secret playboy.

Ilya is extremely not chill about this rumor.

[perlukafarinn]

@scunthotter

help 😭😭 ilya's playing 4d chess to keep his man to himself and meanwhile shane's like "it's so nice having ilya with me on my little walks 🥰"

[byjove]

I have a serious question that could be answered through light Googling, when was alcohol firmly condemned in Islam? I ask this because alchemists and scholars in the Islamic Golden Age were really, really, REALLY interesting in distilling alcohol. They were whipping up 85 proof moonshine in the 12th century, was that haram or was it seen as permissible for the sake of scientific exploration or had Islamic law not taken a clarifying stance on alcohol yet? I will probably delete this post but that is what is on my mind right now at 10:16 pm on a Friday night

[ilya-sweetheart]

ilya has a regular postmates driver

her name is therese and she’s a big butch and also a bitch and he loves her so much (she tolerates him)

she’s a boston fan and her wife is a hollander fan (they hatefuck when montreal wins) and ilya finds her facinating

he will order gigantic masses of food (for the team, the rookies, himself etc) and she always gets a gigantic tip (as well as some extra slipped into her hand tax free)

this is how they communicate:

ilya: r u workin tonite?

therese: depends on the tip

ilya: very big

ilya: also signed poster of hollander for elise she can hang it over the bed and look into his eyes when you strap on

therese: you’re on thin fucking ice rozanov

ilya: order coming thru now! greek tonight, marley is heartbroken and needs peeta bread

therese: tell him to man up

ilya: tzatziki fixes everything 🇬🇷

therese: elise says hi she wants a signed hollander jersey

ilya: are you gonna fuck her in it

therese: you know i am

therese: see you in 45 asshole

ilya: 🥰🥰