Lefty Loophole

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worthy or not

So it's been a long year and a lot has happened and here's where my head space is at... enjoy

worthy. you threw out that definitionwhen you handed over your virginity.over the last decade you’ve rebuiltwhat that word really fucking means that you stood up when hell came downthat you cried your heart outwhen your father died–for allthe regular reasons and the others too that you made a plan to get outout of the town that would kill youout of the city and expectationsout of that beach…

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Regret is a Ditch

So the muse visited yesterday, enjoy as you will...

The word regret pinballs aroundLike I should carry them tooJust like everyone else does Everything is a blessing or lessonThere’s no room for anything elseShading the accompanying shame. I want to remember what it’s likeTo only carry my own self alongNone of your judgment, restrictions, The art of being a child revisitedIn the present because the pastDoesn’t exist and future never has There’s…

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Lifelines: Routines in the Right Order

SO... how was your fourth of July...

Trigger Warning: death, eating issues, grief This week, I’m a little more grateful for my routine than I ever thought I was. Granted, I finally ate a regular meal last night for the first time in days. I haven’t been hungry. Nothing has felt real since 12:43 pm CDT 4 July 2022. The world went sideways. My worst-case scenario was not the worst-case scenario. Granted, I have since found a way…

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Dating: Respect From the Get-Go

Respect is the bare minimum in meeting someone, just saying...

Respect is and shall be a non-negotiable. It’s more or less the bare minimum. So this wasn’t exactly how I planned on addressing the dating and the other things. But I think it’s how this is going to play out. And considering the messaging that happened last night, I think it’s important to address. You see I went on a date a few weeks ago and was more angry about that than some of the…

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Dating: The Requirements

How else are you going to know you got everything you wanted?

So I finally made the list of things. When I met my brother-in-law I realized that the adage that ‘you marry your father’ was true. My sister had set out to marry someone so unlike Dad in any way, that she went full circle*. I think it’s funny. But she doesn’t. But like if they were a little less set in their own positions, the two of them would talk about the same things for hours and she’d…

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Dating: In The Beginning

If we're going to document the process we should start at the very beginning. Like my first date

Ages: 20, 20 Year: 2011 KnownSince: 1997 Repeat: Nope Exclusive: eh… like 3 months Gains: still sort of friends after that. Leaving Texas kind of changes all the rules, first actual date on the books. Losses: Delusions that dating would be all exciting Stitch: Double date to a movie Liked the movie, the other couple made out the whole time, and honestly, that was the only time I’ve said yes…

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Live Life As You Will It: Dating Again

So I've decided that I need entertainment from the dating I've been doing and it's been teaching me a few things....

Dating In My Day and Age: Why Am I doing this again? So there is the new series that I’m going to start and we’ll see how it turns out. Basically, I’ve decided that humor is the best way to handle entering the dating realm again and I like to write so you’re going to get a dose of what happens. Why I decided to do it the way I did? Basically, I turned 31 and realized that I was not in the…

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Choose Your Adventure

Forging points in your life The moments that matter Hope covered in bruises Black, purple, green, yellow Faith screaming a war cry While tears purify resolve Trust is the cracked mirror You never gave up in that move Reminding you of everything  You’ve left behind. The asshole, the bitch, the whiner The complainer, the naysayer, full-on cynic That took over your body While you sipped on despair,…

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Letter to My Younger Self

I was reading something about a letter to my younger self which always seems to prompt writing one. Only this time--

Dear J; I haven’t got any words of wisdom to give you. I like who we are in the future and anything I say now, well that could change that. We became what we were because of what we did. And if I told you what to want? Would I still turn out the same?So you do you. J AfterThoughts: Letter to My Younger Self Growing up, there are all the fantasies about what you would tell your younger self.…

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Add In, Not Subtract When You Want Results

Still working on snooze as a not wanted habit, but some things take time....

With my life, I have learned there are certain things that work better than others. One of them is in getting rid of bad habits. I worry less about the bad habit and find the good habit I want to replace it with. Soda and I were sort of friends. I liked the soda, the soda was messing with my weight and bone density. Which means that I was literally eating away at whatever calcium I was able…

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Life's Cookbook

So fear is basically table salt and here are my reasons why....

The devil’s cookbook has all the ingredients that God’s does but they’ve been labeled dangerous, poisonous—granted they are. Fear is boring, like table salt it shows up in everything. Mix in uncertainty and you get a concoction that could kill you or save you. Mix in faith, trust, and lots of pixie dust, you won’t make it out alive—no one does—but life will be living like a dream. Dump in…

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All The Books Don't Heal You

It's about the little things adding up, a sentence here, an idea there, that make us better bit by bit.

I’m reading the Self-Love Experiment. And let me tell you, I finally put something together about all the reading I’ve done in the last five years on this topic. None of them are healing me. Not a single one. What they are doing is teaching me how to not pick at the scab. How to bandage it better when it happens so that it will heal and I won’t feel tempted to pick at the scab. Gross…

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Honesty is The Best Policy, Till It Isn't

I'm on an emotional roller coaster and taking you guys along for the ride. Let's see where this stops.

There are songs that you don’t understand why you like them until something happens years later and you’re like, oh, you had my feelings in words before I did. This is one of them. Honest By The Chainsmokers The last week has been a series of revelations in my own mental blame game and how I took certain things over the last few years. There was the incident six months (yeah, it was six months…

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Guilty Conscious

Disclaimer: Swearing and Rage. Basically there was an incident that involved someone asking if I knew who Tyler the Creator was... and the rage that came over me was... unexpected.

The anger at Tyler the Creator The moment of sheer rage that took over my body I didn’t know it was there. Till it was there. And I looked at it. The whole thing making me sick to my stomach. He cheated on her, and I didn’t know Until he was breaking up with her. To be with me. I felt wanted. And God, I stayed longer than I should have. I should have left then. The emotional baggage later, When…

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In The Moment, In the Present

I wanted to go to a concert this weekend but didn't think it was going to happen, doesn't stop me from reflecting on the last time I saw this band live...

For me, worry was a constant state of being. I didn’t know how or why to turn it off. But in realizing that was actually exhausting me, I started figuring out where and what it came from. At the beginning of figuring out that I had ADHD, I learned a few things that were important.  Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist One, it is a disability and if you act like you can do things the same way…

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Planning Ahead

I was always obsessing about the future when I was younger, now that I know it's dangerous, I try to stay present

The severe bitch move, changing the rulesWithout telling anyone, well those whoDidn’t weren’t told, those who knew betterPlanned ahead and didn’t skip to answerLater. Ha, that’s why you learn to test in less than half an hour so no test becomesa slip in the cogs that jams the machine of whatever class grade you gotha-ha, I win yet again, no worry on my faceno skin off my nose, your plan didn’t…

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All the Pretty Packages

So in transitioning to WFH, I've had to consider my eating habits to eat better and realizing what helps and what doesn't.

When you have the brain that I do, there are shortcuts, and there are shortcuts. Some will get you where you want to go with an actual amount of speed and others are rabbit holes you need a timer to stay out of the weird spiral that comes afterward. Pre-packaged food is one of those real shortcuts. Because in that package is energy I didn’t specifically exchange for eating. Sure, I spent more…

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