I'm tired of lying to myself. Today I start the process. The last few days I felt we made progress. Again I'm lying to myself. My heart broke so much with that phone call. I laid awake all night alone in the dark. No tv, no games, just a fan rotating. Crying, feeling physically ill. Looking at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever. Sick of seeing the fat, shaming myself. No motivation. But at the end of the day I got what I deserved. There's no point of doing what we planned or even thinking about going on vacation. My heart can't handle this, my body can't handle this. Dealing with depression again sucks and no one is here for me now. You know when you lost it all and I'm there. I know there is no going back. It's just time to move on. If you're already moving on, congrats. I'm gonna try but this shit feels impossible. I wanna forget everything but I don't want you to become a memory because I wanted you to be the last one I ever saw. I'm already dealing with questions that are killing me. It's hard to explain to a 5 year old that you're not around when he adored you as much as I did if not more. I'm gonna love you forever, he will love you forever.