i go to bed too late, and i can’t make myself do it earlier. i don’t clean enough. i haven’t harvested my tomatoes. i am so. fucking. tired.
i don’t eat enough, i don’t eat well enough, i eat too much junk. i don’t go outside enough, i don’t exercise enough, i don’t shower enough.
i don’t work enough, i don’t read enough, i don’t call my friends enough, and
i’m dating? maybe? like active verb form present tense dating a boy. which is nice, i guess? we’ve been on two dates, each lasting 5 hours, and like, i like him, but i don’t know if he likes me. and i’m fighting a constant battle with myself regarding everything, like, i initiated the first two dates, i sort of want him to initiate the third, but if he wants a third date and all it takes is for me to take initiative, then i’m ok with doing that? but how do i know. and now i’m doing the petty thing where i’m waiting for him to “write first” bc i feel like i’m always the one writing first. so that’s exhausting.
having feelings is exhausting. i really like him! and it feels like there’s potential for more. but i have no idea how he’s feeling.
and since last year’s Worst Date Ever (the one that ended when the guy thought i was too ugly to sleep with) i’m just constantly waiting to be “let down gently” and i would very much prefer if he just ghosted + blocked me. so that’s a nice little trauma that’s dug itself deeper than i realised. fun.
have i mentioned i’m tired?
i’m on new prophylactic meds for migraine. so far they don’t work. i’m not a fan of getting i migraine every time i try to walk to + from the supermarket.
i’m thinking i should go off my old antidepressants. try if i’m okay without them, since i started a new kind this spring and i’ve felt a big improvement.
i keep getting upset that i didn’t get an adhd diagnosis. so many signs point to yes and they still said no, bc i didn’t show symptoms early enough, and now research is appearing that points to symptoms sometimes not showing up until puberty. my new antidepressant is sometimes used for adhd and the fact that i feel much better on it, feels like another sign. but i don’t know where to go from here. i’ve had my evaluation. i don’t think i can get another one.
which leaves me being: a lazy fucker who just can’t get her shit together because she’s not trying hard enough.
and i am so tired. i am so tired of fighting constant battles with my brain all day every day about everything. every time i eat i have ten conflicting voices telling me i shouldn’t eat this thing, i shouldn’t eat it now, i should’ve bought another kind of bread, i shouldn’t have dairy, i need more fibre, i should buy more vegetables, i need to finish that before it expires. every fucking time i eat anything.
i need a lamp for my desk. i’m too tired to go to ikea.
i can’t talk to malin about the dating because i know she doesn’t want me to date boys and i need her to be happy for me.
my grandmother’s husband has finally passed away and the funeral is on friday and i don’t really want to go, because i’m not grieving, he overstayed his welcome on this earth as far as i’m concerned, but i’m still going to support my grandmother. it’ll be weird. i’m still debating wether to take a vacation day for it or just take the time off.
i haven’t had my summer vacation yet. i didn’t feel the need during the summer, i still don’t feel the need. and then again maybe i’m feeling down now because i didn’t have a vacation. or maybe i’m feeling down because of pms, or because i’m bad at going outside for fresh air and vitamin d, or because i’ve had shitty eating habits for the past six months and probably have iron deficiency, or because i don’t sleep enough, or MAYBE I’M JUST FUCKING SAD but i don’t know.
but if i’m feeling bad because of those reasons, then it’s not real, i don’t deserve to feel bad, i should feel better, those aren’t real reasons, and i just need to get my shit together.
i am so. fucking. tired. i want to sleep myself to death. is that a thing? can i do that? it was such a mind-blowing moment when i read about suicide ideation and realised it’s not binary, it’s not “i want to kill myself” or ”i don’t want to kill myself”, it’s a spectrum, and that i’m on it. like, not at one of the ends, but on the spectrum. and i don’t even deal with it. i’m just like no i wouldn’t mind dying, no i’m not going to kill myself, no i definitely don’t enjoy life. and that’s just how it is.
my self-hatred has sort of ... settled into the background? which basically means that i don’t actively think about the fact that i’m a little bit worse than everyone else, i just know it. it’s like, i don’t even know. it’s just a deep-rooted knowledge that i will never be anybody’s first choice because why the hell would i be. so i mean. it’s nice that it doesn’t take up a lot of brainpower anymore, but i’m also not sure it’s good that it’s become a permanent fixture in a new way.
but with it comes a never-ceasing need for validation, which is also exhausting.
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