WELCOME

[leilainyellow]

There are moments when I fall so deeply in love with life. They’re golden, vivid, warm—like sunlight you can feel on your skin. I can’t always find the right words, but if I say it feels like yellow, maybe you’ll understand. Everything feels bright, and for a while, I believe I belong to something good.

But then there are days that slip into gray, and sometimes even black. On those days, I feel heavy, distant, tired. I feel lonely even in a room full of people. And worst of all, I start to turn on myself. I hate who I am in those moments.

I start doubting everything—my worth, my voice, my place in the world. I compare myself to my friends and feel so small beside them. It’s not a good thought, but it’s mine. And I own it.

I feel like I don’t deserve love most days. Like I’m impossible to appreciate, hard to hold, and even harder to care for. My body feels like a battleground I never chose, and instead of defending it, I destroy it. I tear myself down before anyone else gets the chance. And when the gray sets in, I don’t just feel unloved—I feel unlovable.

And love—God, I always find myself drawn to people who never choose me back. It ruins me. Every time. But still, I hope. Even when it hurts.

I hope love finds me one day. But lately, I feel like I’m starting to lose it—starting to lose faith in it altogether. The thought of being unlovable tears into me, dragging me into the kind of darkness I can’t always climb out of. And it’s bad. I don’t like this feeling. If I’m being honest, sometimes I’d rather feel nothing at all than keep sinking into these awful, heavy, shitty things.

[leilainyellow]

There are moments when I fall so deeply in love with life. They’re golden, vivid, warm—like sunlight you can feel on your skin. I can’t always find the right words, but if I say it feels like yellow, maybe you’ll understand. Everything feels bright, and for a while, I believe I belong to something good.

But then there are days that slip into gray, and sometimes even black. On those days, I feel heavy, distant, tired. I feel lonely even in a room full of people. And worst of all, I start to turn on myself. I hate who I am in those moments.

I start doubting everything—my worth, my voice, my place in the world. I compare myself to my friends and feel so small beside them. It’s not a good thought, but it’s mine. And I own it.

I feel like I don’t deserve love most days. Like I’m impossible to appreciate, hard to hold, and even harder to care for. My body feels like a battleground I never chose, and instead of defending it, I destroy it. I tear myself down before anyone else gets the chance. And when the gray sets in, I don’t just feel unloved—I feel unlovable.

And love—God, I always find myself drawn to people who never choose me back. It ruins me. Every time. But still, I hope. Even when it hurts.

I hope love finds me one day. But lately, I feel like I’m starting to lose it—starting to lose faith in it altogether. The thought of being unlovable tears into me, dragging me into the kind of darkness I can’t always climb out of. And it’s bad. I don’t like this feeling. If I’m being honest, sometimes I’d rather feel nothing at all than keep sinking into these awful, heavy, shitty things.

[leilainyellow]

I wanted to emphasize what I said in the last sentence—I’d rather feel nothing at all than keep sinking into these awful, heavy, shitty things—is this really what I wanted? To not feel anything at all?

It feels complicated to not feel anything. To not think of anything. To not know anything. To not want anything. To not be interested in anything!

This is suffocating me. I’m not me. I don’t feel me. This isn’t who I am! This isn’t what I am.

I’m trying to rummage every corner of my brain just so I can express whatever emotion is left within me.

Nothing.

[leilainyellow]

I need my spark back

[leilainyellow]

I cried my self to sleep last night.

As if it wasn’t enough, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was you.

My eyes are very dry and yet somehow it can still cry. I thought when we finally ended things, I can somehow feel good about myself again. That I am finally free from all the pain our relationship had gone through. But, no.

It feels so much worse.

I wish I had just gritted my teeth. Swallowed my pride and stayed. I wish you stayed. I loved you.

I wish you told me you’d try and change. That you’ll finally let yourself love me. That you would choose me over your own misery.

It’s been almost a year, I thought I was fine. I really thought I was through. But, turns out all the pain I pushed deep down without processing can resurface because I fucking miss you.

I miss you.

You fucked my mind. It made me question once or twice if I ever deserve love, but fuck you for always reminding me I am.

I need you.

[leilainyellow]

Sometimes, I still think about you.

I have been thinking about you a lot, recently. I know it’s foolish of me to even think of you, what more the thoughts I have been wanting to do related to you and your presence. But then again, I still have self-respect despite the appearance of it; non-existent.

Most of the time that I think of you was when I feel like I needed someone to tolerate me. Someone to listen to me despite the fact that I am nothing but a yapper who complains a lot and triggers you just so I can act cute and feel pursued.

I needed you. More than you ever thought you need me. Honestly.

I fucking miss you.

I am not really sure if I miss you, or if I just miss the familiarity of having someone.

Nonetheless, I miss having someone like you.

I don’t know how I will ease this longing.

I hope you miss me too and one of these days (soon) you’ll reach out and talk to me.

[leilainyellow]

Sometimes the color you’re looking for is just in-front of you. You just have to wander a little while enjoying the cool night breeze.

[leilainyellow]

Calm before the storm.

[astropaky]

The Matrix of Destiny

Hi sweeties! Hope you're doing okay. This time, I'm gonna get into a completely another topic I used to do. I want to make a post about the Matrix of Destiny and how to read this chart. It's a little bit similar as an astrological natal chart, but there's also a huge differences there. We're gonna get into that in this post. I'm gonna use my own Matrix of Destiny chart as an example.

The Matrix of Destiny is a method or a tool in esoteric practices where we can analyze and understand someone's individual life, personality, destiny, love life, career path, karma, talents etc. It isn't based on astrology, it's rather based on numerology and tarot cards from Major Arcana. There's 22 tarot cards overall in Major Arcana and they go in this order:

1 - The Magician

2 - The High Priestess

3 - The Empress

4 - The Emperor

5 - The Hierophant

6 - The Lovers

7 - The Chariot

8 - Justice

9 - The Hermit

10 - Wheel of Fortune

11 - Strength

12 - The Hanged Man

13 - Death

14 - Temperance

15 - The Devil

16 - The Tower

17 - The Star

18 - The Moon

19 - The Sun

20 - Judgement

21 - The World

22 - The Fool

If someone was born on 23rd, 24th, 25th of month and on and on, then it's crucial to add the numbers into one digit, so we get numbers such as 5, 6, 7 etc., because the numbers don't go further than 22 in the context of the Matrix of Destiny.

Now, I'm going to explain what the certain position of the Matrix of Destiny chart means.

The Center: A number at the center of a Destiny Matrix chart represents our overall personality and it's our most important number/arcana. It's also related to our comfort zone as well.

The Left Side: This number represents our external world, our first impression, presence and how people perceive us. It can also mean how people see us when they meet us for the very first time.

The Right Side: The number at the right side represents our internal world, our private life, our relationships. This part of a chart can give insight how we interact with our closest people

The Bottom Side: This part of a chart can represent our karmic tale and our past life experiences. It tells us about the side of us that we need to release in this incarnation, otherwise we'll be punished.

The Upper Side: This number represents our inherent talents, abilities and something we're naturally good at. It's about our gifts that we should share in order to achieve success in any area of life.

The Heart Sign: The number close to this sign or emoji shows what we should seek for our partner. It represents the personality of our partner and our love life.

The Dollar Sign: This number tells us about out career path and our professional life. It shows us which career is the most suitable for us in general.

While analyzing the Matrix of Destiny chart, it's essential to take a look on the state of our chakras. Each chakra has two numbers in it and one overall number and means several things.

Crown Chakra (Sahasrara): our spiritual connection and mission

Third Eye Chakra (Ajna): how we use our intuition and its state*

Throat Chakra (Vissudha): our communication and writing style

Heart Chakra (Anahata): our heart's desire, what we love to do

Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura): our power and confidence style

Sacral Chakra (Svadhisthana): how we use our creativity

Root Chakra (Muladhara): our foundation, ancestors and stability

Summary: our life path and the balanced perspective of our life

*This text was supposed to be dark blue colored, but I couldn't put a dark blue color, so I put pink color as the alternative version.

This is what you're going to see at the end of the Destiny Matrix chart. I'm gonna explain what does all it mean.

Male Generation Lines: gifts and karma from our father's side

Female Generation Lines: gifts and karma from our mother's side

Soul Searching: our life purpose at the earlier stage of our life (mine is 14)

Socialization: our life purpose at the later stage of our life (mine is 19)

Summary: our overall life purpose (mine is 33/6)

Anyway, that's all for today. If you have some questions about this topic, drop them on the comment section and I will answer that. This is just an intro of what the Matrix of Destiny is. Hope it's understandable. Overall, have a beautiful day ahead.

Best regards,

Paky McGee

[leilainyellow]

Flop era ba ang love life ko this year? Kasi uhm i think yes.

[taylorswift]

✨My name is Taylor and I was born in 1989 ✨

http://taylor.lnk.to/1989TaylorsVersion

[leilainyellow]

THIS IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE 2014 OMG 🩵

[platypus-quacks-too]

The Fluff Crawlspace >> YOU are my home

[platypus-quacks-too]

The Fluff Crawlspace >> YOU are my home

[leahmary]

#shamy

“You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter”

[riveralwaysknew]

The Big Bang Theory Creators Marvel at Series’ Nine-Year Evolution: I rule nothing out on this show. If you’d asked me nine years ago if Sheldon would be in a committed relationship, I would have said, ‘never.’ – Chuck Lorre, Observer (2016)

[multifandom173]

The parallel between the time Sheldon thought he had a brain parasite but then realised he’s just in love to the time he called Amy his heartworm because he couldn’t get her out of his heart gives me goosebumps.

[penguinempress8]

This scene.

Anthony going in for the kiss but Kate stops him to brush her thumb against his mouth. He stops. He closes his eyes. Not only is he relishing in her touch, but it’s also a simple yet powerful show of consent. Her telling him to wait. AND THEN. They make eye contact. She looks at him a split second earlier. He opens his eyes and looks at her, making sure he can proceed. She opens her mouth and then he goes in. But not only that, they continue to make eye contact until they pretty much can’t anymore. These two have been the death of me. Are the death of me. And will forever continue to be the death of me.

[thebigbangtheorists]

I think it was a slow growth and you can see it through all the seasons. In S5 he didn’t even notice Amy being upset. In S6 he would notice and not care until someone prompted that he should do something about it. In S7 he started taking the initiative. In S8 he runs after her immediately. It’s really beautiful to see him grow through it. - koops (x)