@lemonflowercat - Tumblr Blog

vision board 2024

manifesting is such a passive word - it brings to mind just sitting back and hoping things work themselves out magically. resolutions/commitments make me run the other away because of how boxed in and rigid they make me feel.

...I think we'll go with

aligning

because this feels more like an integration of my values with my goals, and taking conscious action to work on these. also "aligning" just has this soft pretty sound-feel to it. hehe. also in my head it doesn't feel abrupt, "aligning" seems to make space for the process of getting there - there being that space of satisfaction-with-self+sense of achievement (real or Atlantis, do you know?)

#vision board

literaryvein-reblogs

10 Rules of Writing by Margaret Atwood

Take a pencil to write with on aeroplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can’t sharpen it on the plane, because you can’t take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils.

If both pencils break, you can do a rough sharpening job with a nail file of the metal or glass type.

Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do.

If you’re using a computer, always safeguard new text with a memory stick.

Do back exercises. Pain is distracting.

Hold the reader’s attention. (This is likely to work better if you can hold your own.) But you don’t know who the reader is, so it’s like shooting fish with a slingshot in the dark. What fascinates A will bore the pants off B.

You most likely need a thesaurus, a rudimentary grammar book, and a grip on reality. This latter means: there’s no free lunch. Writing is work. It’s also gambling. You don’t get a pension plan. Other people can help you a bit, but essentially you’re on your own. Nobody is making you do this: you chose it, so don’t whine.

You can never read your own book with the innocent anticipation that comes with that first delicious page of a new book, because you wrote the thing. You’ve been backstage. You’ve seen how the rabbits were smuggled into the hat. Therefore ask a reading friend or two to look at it before you give it to anyone in the publishing business. This friend should not be someone with whom you have a romantic relationship, unless you want to break up.

Don’t sit down in the middle of the woods. If you’re lost in the plot or blocked, retrace your steps to where you went wrong. Then take the other road. And/or change the person. Change the tense. Change the opening page.

Prayer might work. Or reading something else. Or a constant visualization of the holy grail that is the finished, published version of your resplendent book.

winter ❄️

hello from the underground

just want to take a moment to say how much I've missed being here - by here I mean actually expressing myself on Tumblr instead of lurking in the shadows, mining motivation off of studyblr hahahah

this winter has been a long one - and I'm talking winter in a very meta way, because in actuality it's been a gorgeous monsoon in Goa. in the setting of its green glorious abundance, my life has been quite the apocalyptic winter - bleak, cold and barren.

kudos to me for hibernating/ploughing through it, holding on to the hope of a promised spring.

ik ew but pls I'm writing after long and all my brain has to offer is cringe

but really. I've made it past that nightmare of an exam I've spent the last 3 years of my life working for. almost everything I've done has been done with the aim of making my mind, body and environment the best possible place to study in. and - by the standards of myself and society - I've failed quite spectacularly. (the extra ✨️spectacle✨️ being that I dropped another year to repeat the exam, in the hopes I'd fare better, but I actually did worse)

and now I'm here, not just picking up the pieces of 11 y/o lemonflowercat's dream that I tried so hard to make real, but also the consequent mental and physical collateral damage my health has suffered in this 'trying'.

everyone tells me and I tell everyone that I gave it my best. but on the inside I'm still counting the hours I didn't study, the days I signed off maybe too easily? the times I let my emotions get the better of me, the times I let things that don't really matter in the big picture bother me. all the things I didn't do the way a textbook MD preppie would. and I guess I never will really know if I gave it my best. all I know is it was hard, and I did what I felt like was easiest for me in that moment. and if that's not my best - well, it's in the past now, what can anyone do about it?

I think the mourning has come to an end. winter is still here though. everything is empty, harsh winds without direction.

there's something so raw, wild but also soothing at the same time about being in this place. it feels like I'm one with my rock bottom - I kiss the earth in acceptance. I melt into it. things look different from down here, and I low-key love this view. I feel small and I like being small. it's weird, ya know?

I guess I'm also just happy to have time for myself again. there's so much to rebuild - my entire life needs spring cleaning. ffs I've been stuck here so long, I don't even know if spring will ever come. but I'm ok. in my little burrow, making pinewood fires and simmering cinnamon tea. at my rickety table starting small, starting from scratch. lowkey excited because I'm an explorer with no direction whatsoever and if there's no destination to get to...

...you can't be lost, can you?

#revival

75 soft but real soft hehe

it's been weeks since my last 75 soft, and since then i've had multiple menty-meltdowns, intense therapy hours and zombie-days where i've played game after game of 2048 (i'm a pro at it now, btw). i've had days that ended with the peaceful self-satisfaction of getting shit done, i've had days of going to bed with a sense of failure ringing deep in my bones. i've had days of eating so healthy, being fully aware of my hunger-fullness cues and honoring them, i've had days of munchie after munchie - rummaging through the snack cupboard at the end of every episode of a mindless Netflix TV show.

75 soft/hard have been touted as mental toughness challenges to imbue rigor and discipline and structure and perseverance - and the only measure of success? seeing every one of those 75 days through to the end. i understand that this may have changed many lives out there for the better, and i also understand the importance of the values the 75 soft/hard is based on.

but i also think that, just like all things in the world, there's more than one lesson an experience can teach me - and often it may not be what i hoped to get out of it. but it always will be something i needed.

my 5 failed attempts at 75 soft have taught me

the importance of kind self-talk. i think this is the most underrated, not-spoken-of-enough, never-done-enough, harder-than-you'd-except form of self love and self parenting. to talk to myself, not in the worst ways that people around me have spoken to me, but in the kind ways that they have. and in the nice ways that i would show up for people i care about. in a way that doesn't make me feel like a failure before i can even start expanding/growing. in a way that makes me feel loved and safe - because only when these feelings are met am i able to engage with the rest of the world from a place of curiosity, hope and love.

that unmet goals don't equate to failure. it isn't easy to stop listening to all those nagging voices in my head/unchecked boxes on my to-do list constantly reminding me of my inadequacies. but with practice, i can disengage from them emotionally, question their validity, and accept that either way i am enough. it's funny how hard it is for me to tell myself, lemonflowercat, even if you haven't worked out in a week or eaten healthy today or studied for even 30m or drank enough water, you are enough and worthy and loved and beautiful.

that i can draw boundaries. i can voice things i'm not ok with, what i need more of and less of to be able to do what's most important to me. that i don't have to reflexively please - i can be a square peg in a round hole with poky corners taking up space - and if that makes people like me less? it's completely ok, because i still know my worth.

to slow down and pay attention what feels good for me and do what my body/mind want in that moment vs what "i should" "i'm supposed" "i need to" "i have to" do.

to believe in myself more - just me, as myself, with no comparison to anyone else not even the past me. and i say the latter because too often have i caught me comparing myself to a certain way i was in the past when the kind of life and thoughts i had back then are so different from the way things are currently. i know people say that you only try to be better than yourself - but even this feels like an unfair ask, honestly.

that my fluidity - which i have tried so long, so hard to box into rigidity - is my strength.

to trust that everything is going to be ok. and, like i mentioned on another day here - i don't have to carry the burden of the past or the future as i live my now.

#75 soft #mental health

let me tell you about the ED dramatized story of my lunch today HAHAHA

roti egg roll with some green pea hummus and cucumbers. a bowl of vanilla Greek yogurt, with a chopped mango and half a banana, topped with chia seeds and hemp hearts.

roti egg rolls are a quickie snack/lunch my mother would make me as a kid and I always loved them. contrary to how my mother would serve them to - kinda oily and with nothing in between, I've turned this into a minimal oil roll with raw veg and hummus of the fortnight, and it gives me happy bubbles in my brain thinking of the microbiome diversity this promotes in my gut. mango season is in full swing and I've been savouring them - unripe and ripe, plain chunks or in smoothies. this vanilla Greek yogurt is my favourite yogurt snack to buy, and sprinkling those chia seeds and hemp hearts fills me with so much joy because a. i'm a sucker for aesthetics and b. protein, fiber, omega fats yes pls! I was genuinely so happy putting together this plate for myself, I was quite literally buzzing with happiness at ooo look at the number of raw fruit, veg and seeds on my plate and omg this is such a nutritious meal.

just as I was licking the last bit of Greek yogurt off my spoon, my diet culture brain (who can spout the calories of most common Indian foods in her sleep by this point) starting adding up all the calories I'd just sent down my food pipe. i did try to stop - i told myself look, i'm just perfect full. i'm so happy with how nutritious my meal was. i'm happy i ate a bunch of food i enjoy. - but the math went on anyway, and I realised I'd just eaten a 650 calorie lunch which um let me tell you, for someone who's been on a 1200-1400 kcal diet for years now - is basically double the calories you can afford to spend on one meal.

the guilt, the shame, the voice in my head telling me rn that I'm an incorrigible monster, who feels "pleasantly full" after 650 kcal of a nutrient dense meal like ffs this isn't even chips we're talking about, the hopeless self loathe seeping through every pore of my multiple fat rolls bearing self right now must sound incredibly dramatic and possibly stupid to most people

but it's real. and i am so tired of this being my reality. I am so tired of feeling like such a despicable person and not knowing how to even begin fixing it.

#eating disoder trigger warning

75 soft: day 13

[x] morning full body stretch

slowly brining my arm back into action and getting movement ready for the week!

[x] midday wxo

picked up a 40m all standing cardio, ended up doing only 20m of it though. all standing so I don't stress my arm at all but get some fun movement in anyway.

i was feeling very dance-y today so i did this sensual dance choreography tutorial thingie i found on YT. i was far from sensual ahahahaha but it was so much fun to do! it was a 20 min tutorial to like a minute's worth of choreography, i wish it had been a longer one! also wish there was more good content like this out there ):

[] meditate

[x] study 6h: 2h

PMS energy is hitting big time. also, today's the Bengali new year and there were a lot of family phone calls to be made. can't tell if it was pure PMS or also the stress of dealing with family...ugh. i was so down today.

[x] eat healthy balanced meals, paying attention to my hunger/satiety cues

well. i didn't do that, really. my breakfast and lunch were healthy and balanced meals. but i snacked a lot in between and by the time dinner came by i was full on craving a burger and some fried chicken, so that's what i ate.

i know my food choices today were majorly driven by how low i was feeling. also, my appetite goes way up when i'm PMSing, and i can't tell if that's a physiological thing or if it's in response to the emotional lows during this time.

i guess i'm supposed to learn how to regulate my emotions better, without always relying on food as a tool. but i think a part of learning this is also accepting that food has always been a big source of comfort for me - and that's ok. i don't have to hate myself over it. i don't have to attach the heavy baggage of "i'm a fat girl who's going to get fatter" to this action, or feel like i haven't burnt enough calories to "earn" the 2000 or so calories I consumed today.

i was feeling pretty sad and exhausted yesterday, so i ate some of my favourite foods in an effort to cheer myself up. it's a way that i learned to cope when i was a kid, and ykw it actually does make me feel happier on the bad days. talk about self love, eh

#75 soft #day 13

75 soft: break day

ik Saturday break days aren't the norm but I was feeling pretty tired and sleepy through the morning so I decided to make it so.

I had a fun day, quite unexpectedly hehe. I made some art through the day, took a giant post-lunch siesta and woke up feeling super refreshed. A and I headed out for poee-omelet, and then I came back and made some more art. hung out with friends in the evening, went to Hotel Maratha for dinner where I had a tiny portion of mutton biryani because I wanted to "save space" for dessert - ALANKAR MILKSHAKE.

Alankar is this super chaotic shady square in the heart of Mapusa, it's just shop after shop selling indo-chinese street food, tandoori stuff and thick shakes, fresh juice and fruit salad+ice cream variations. I love their mango milkshake and their avocado milkshake. they're super thick and filling, hence the "saving space" just because I wanted to savour my avo milkshake without feeling too stuffed.

also, koka was extra adorable today ♡ AND my arm is nearly back to normal again! ☆

#75 soft

75 soft: day 12

[x] morning mobility and stretches

my arm hurts like crazy today, stretching was so painful but it made the pain tolerable after. only for a bit. I spent the whole day with my right arm flexed.

[] midday wxo

and I didn't work out.

[x] study 6h: 3h 37m

procrastinated for the most part of the morning today. this usually happens when I'm starting with a new subject. I have to figure out what's the most efficient way to study it, and I think that makes it feel unapproachable.

I could've done more in the evening but I was feeling so down with my snack intake. /sob/

[x] meditate

[x] eat healthy balanced meals until i'm just full, with no food rules

uff the trauma. I went big on my evening snack today - omelet poee, A's new favourite kappa bhaji and we split a vada pav between us because I was like I've never understood the hype over vada pav and A was like oh I've never eaten them. I knew such a big snack had enough calories to be an entire meal, but also wasn't filling enough to make me skip dinner. I was so miserable T-T Dora milaje was obsessively upset. I'd reassure every 10 min saying this is part of the whole intuitive eating process and that guilt and restricting are what caused so much damage in the first place but she'd swing right back into the dumps or start insisting that we skip dinner.

my other indulgence for the day was this creamy coffee I made with some condensed milk. we picked up condensed milk recently because I wanted to make a mango sticky rice pudding and I remembered how delicious coffee turns out with condensed milk. this was my morning snack. oh and here's the sticky rice pudding I made which we had for dessert after dinner! Dora milaje was hating me through this but ykw - I listened to my body, not her. I wasn't super hungry so I ate a roti with a bit of sabji and then had my pudding and the fulness I felt after was perfect.

I still went to bed feeling miserable and picturing myself being heavily obese T-T why is this so hard!

ofc my fat and carb intakes were insane today with all the fried snacks and condensed milk but my main meals were well balanced and so healthy and so delish tho. here's more hummus roll porn (':

in other news, food delivery app Swiggy who I absolutely hate for their capitalistic-not giving two cents about their employees-business model have slightly redeemed themselves with this cute venture!

#75 soft #day 12

75 soft: day 11

[] morning yoga

skipped to sweep the place

[x] midday wxo

oomff my biceps are so sore from yesterday's upper body wxo. i did some pilates + cardio today, had to use my upper body so gingerly throughout |':

[x] meditate therapy

idk why i feel so exhausted after my therapy sessions. i never get anything done in the evening that follows, but i'm not complaining. once again, so so grateful to be able to have this opportunity. my therapist taught me this amazing anxiety management skill today T-T also so grateful to have found the right fit for me - i've heard about too many people switching around b/w therapists because they just can't seem to connect. gotta thank my dad for this, big time T-T

[x] study 6h: 2h

had therapy in place of my afternoon study sesh, and couldn't get anything done in the evening.

[x] eat healthy balanced meals while paying attention to my body's cues

i had the hummus-veggies-tofu/egg wrap for breakfast and lunch today. i'm so in love with it - how can something be so healthy and delicious and easy to put together! it's perfection.

here's today's cute family breakfast time

got super hungry after therapy, and i can't tell if it was an emotional reaction or a physical thing. but i was genuinely stomach rumbling-ly hungry. had omelet-poee for evening snack from our favourite purple cart and boy, A agrees with me - it's just getting more and more delicious by the day.

the other day when A and i were in Arambol, a foreigner came to the cart we were at and ordered an "egg burger" and since then i've never been able to look at omelet-poee in any other way haha. it's my favourite Goan snack (yes, over beef croquets and prawn rissois and vada pav ffs i don't get the hype over vada pav). poees are these cute round fluffy bread made of a batter that's traditionally fermented with toddy. the poee is slit open, an omelet is put in the middle, and chicken xacuti gravy is dribbled into it. uff so good. i like omelet-poee more than ross omelet (poee+omelet+chicken xacuti ladled over the omelet, with chicken pieces v omelet-poee where it's just the gravy, no meat) just because ross omelet is too much to be a snack, it's an entire meal by itself.

i was feeling very lazy and roll around-y in the evening but A pushed me to cook, and i'm so glad i did! 'twas a productive evening despite not studying.

things on the menu for the next couple of days: raw mango dal - so light, so sour, so summer! and soy chunk veggie chilli - not really chilli, but idk what else to call this Indo-Chinese prep with lots of soy sauce, fish sauce and ketchup. it's sweet and mildly spicy, and for me, the perfect side to my tangy mango dal.

ALSOO! soy is the most affordable lean protein source i know (my fat intake for today is by far the lowest since i started this)!!! a lot of people don't like it's texture/taste, but personally soy has always been a favourite. i'm glad A likes it too, or well - i'd force feed him ig. teehee

#75 soft #day 11

75 soft: day 10

[x] morning yoga

I over estimated my ability and started off with an intermediate flow. it got too crazy for me, so I settled back on a normal range flow hahaha /sob/

[x] midday wxo

did this killer arm wxo that made me realize my left upper body is significantly stronger than my right ???? like, I don't get it, my right side is even my dominant side!

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 3h done

I've legit realised that it's very hard for me to sit through studying for more than 2h at a time. I keep telling myself this ik, but I actually need to do this tomorrow - manage my schedule so that I get as many 2h pockets as I can in a day.

[x] eat healthy balanced meals

healthy is questionable because I ate mango ice cream today. but yeah in a limited amount. so it still is healthy, ig. my food tracker still shows me calorie intake and there's no way I can turn it off - dear Dora milaje is losing it. but. we are going to focus on nutrients - and yea I'm still losing it. my fat intake is so high T-T I'm feeling terrible in this department today but I did eat 3 home cooked meals and instead of eating more ice cream like I wanted to, I switched to mango yogurt and I ate chia seeds today and also I really paid attention to my hunger/satiety cues.

it's also PMS time and I get pretty cranky and I can't tell if I'm craving fast food because I'm hungry or because I'm cranky.

btw here's my breakfast, which was so so good. I made a hyacinth beans hummus and something about these beans has made the hummus super creamy with a very mayo feel and look. I also added tons of garlic and it. is. the best.

today's farm bounty is this raw mango that I'm going to make dal with tomorrow ☆

#75 soft #day 10

75 soft: day 9

[x] morning yoga

woke up feeling very weird today. it's this undercurrent I haven't been studying stress + am I going to get incredibly fat now that I'm not calorie counting stress. D: I was feeling terrible about my body and today's yoga helped me feel at least ready for the day.

[x] midday wxo

so did not want to do this, but I'm so glad I got on the mat. resistance band wxo + 5min of HIIT finisher.

[x] meditate

convinced A to try some yoga nidra with me but he fell asleep 2min into it lol.

[x] study 6h: 3h

I procrastinated ALL day. just the thought of sitting at my table was filling me with repulsion/dread/boredom/exhaustion. 4 pm was when I convinced myself to just sit at my table. even I'm on my phone scrolling - just sit there.

this got the ball rolling, and I made it through 3h for the day! koka kept me company ♡ and A did today's dinner prep and that was such a big help!

[x] eat balanced and healthy

today's highlights were kokie joining me for breakfast, being an absolute cutieee

a 2min chocolate mug cake I shared with A. this mug cake hack with store bought cake mix is so effective in quenching my PMS chocolate thirst ☆

a super bengali dinner which was so easy to put together, A did nearly all of it! it's comfort food at its softest mushiest delocious-est.

I just can't seem to figure out how to meet my protein goals without my fat consumption going way over board. ik ik lean protein is a thing - but lean protein sources aren't entirely affordable for me. i'm going to read more and experiment more, hopefully I'll get the hang of this.

ended the day re-watching Silence of the Lambs with A!

#75 soft #day 9

75 soft: day 8

[x] morning yoga

did this very fun rhythmic flow, and it got me in such good energy! the vibe lasted for pretty much the whole day.

[x] midday wxo evening beach sunset walk

not gonna say anything, just photo dump

i feel so so thankful for my little family, and for being able to have time like this together T_T

[x] meditate

[] study 6h: didn't get any done today. i'm actually stressing under the surface at this point, but we did get a lot of things done - our housing sitch is truly settled now, in legality! and i did a lot of cleaning and organising around the house, also took out the time for this gorgeous evening and dinner with friends. so yeah, still productive - but i hope to study again soon.

[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

i got my meal prep done for the next 3-4 days today! i'm so happy, it's guaranteed nutritious food.

- i made a lentil dosa batter, mint coconut chutney, and sprouted green moong - that'll be breakfast for at least 3 days now.

-lunch is my favourite ever Bengali mustard fish curry and the bathua leaf curry and raw mango salad

- A and i are on the opposite ends of the dessert spectrum. dessert craving hit us both post lunch today, and we both made ourselves chikkoo milkshake. mine was a rich dark chocolate version while his is a vanilla ice cream blend.

- we hung out with our friends for a quick dinner - M was feeling "meaty" so we went to Oppa's for some steak. A and i split a beef steak w mashed potatoes and a chicken stroganoff w French fries. dessert was a mango shake.

i loved today!

#75 soft #day 8

75 soft: day 7

[x] morning yoga

i woke up feeling terrible about my body, and even yoga couldn't shake off the insecurity. in the spirit of acceptance and gratitude for what i have, i photographed myself as an act of self love. here's some me

[x] midday wxo

did a v fun animal flow/primal movement wxo! without even trying, it truly felt like play and not about perfecting the movement/how many reps i get in.

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 3h

didn't get much studying done, but i'm letting this week go by. i feel really weird emotionally and if a break is what my brain is feeling like, i'll give it to her.

[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

not counting calories is freeing and terrifying at the same time. i'm still using my meal tracker - but instead of using it as a log of calories consumed, i've decided to use it as a meal planning tool, to make sure i'm getting my macros in.

today i ate

- a spinach and cheese omelet for breakfast

- mango lassi for my morning snack

- lunch was disproportionately delicious to the time it took to put together: stir fried veg, boiled noods, a blended sauce of peanut butter, tahini, tofu, garlic, soy sauce and chili flakes, topped with a fried egg

- in the evening A and i tried out this new chai place that's opened nearby: masala chai, some chicken popcorn and half a grilled veg sandwich. verdict: overpriced chain store, would not do it again (except maybe for the masala chai)

- A and i fought during dinner time but that didn't stop me from enjoying my chicken masala takeaway with a homemade roti and a chikkoo milkshake

75 soft: break day

lemonflowercat from a few days back would call today a "cheat day" - and that's a concep i've decided to throw out the window.

i was a big proponent of cheat days - believing them to be a day that "fires up" my metabolism and gives me a break from restrictive eating so that the urge to binge doesn't build up. but when i look back at it now, i think these cheat days have done me more damage than harm.

first off, i'm questioning the concept of a cheat day doing anything for your metabolism. BMR isn't something that changes drastically over a day, it's a state of homeostasis that the body settles down on based on what i'm doing most days. which, when calorie restricting, is limiting the amount of fuel i'm giving my body - so naturally, my BMR slows down to conserve energy.

things that i can do to boost my metabolism are:

- build muscle, stay active

- eat more protein because digesting requires more energy

- eat to support my gut microbiome by eating variety of whole foods over processed foods, and making pre- and pro-biotics a priority

- supporting my hormone levels by sleeping well, having a regular meal schedule, making sure i'm getting necessary vitamins and minerals from my diet (NOT FROM SUPPLEMENTS - but let's save that for another time) and movement

at least for me, cheat days haven't helped at all in stopping me from bingeing - in fact, it's the contrary. by telling myself i can indulge guilt-free on one day a week/on a special occasion, i've fueled the food scarcity mentality in me - making me feel out of control around indulgence and treats.

i have to finish that bag of chips on said cheat day, i have to stuff myself with as much of my favourite high calorie meals all in one day. and if, god forbid, i end up indulging in one of these treats on a day that's not "a cheat day", well - the whole day has to be a cheat day now, doesn't it? because such food is only eaten on cheat days! - also the guilt when i slip up this way. oof. the guilt is enough to set me off on another week of bingeing.

by deciding to rid myself of this concept all together, i've now freed myself to eat whatever i want, whenever i want. just knowing i can do this makes me feel so relaxed around triggering foods too - i know i can eat chips any time i feel like it, so i don't have to finish this bag right away. i know we can order in fried chicken and burgers any time i feel like it, so i don't need to fit it into my cheat day along with puri bhaji for breakfast, a fish thali for lunch, a mirchi pav for evening snack and a chocolate pastry for dessert post dinner. if i've eaten an ice cream in the afternoon because it was so hot, i haven't "fallen off the wagon" and now need to eat biryani and kabab for dinner.

and most importantly, i don't feel like an absolute shitty gluttonous person for just. eating. a food. i like.

anyway - that's the end of my tirade. i had a v cute day! i started with some yoga, and then made myself some French toast with strawberry compote.

lunch was leftover chicken masala, mango salad, roti and this amazing new leaf i discovered - so the other day, while at the market, i noticed some greens i've never eaten before, and i bought them. i boiled them and blended them, because i think it's one of the best ways to really get acquainted with the individual unique flavour of veggies. and omg i absolutely love it! i've never had anything like it before - it's sour, bitter, but also kinda umami? it's so good, i think it's going to go really well in dal and i can't wait to make that next week.

i didn't study today, although i did intend to. A was home early from work and we just spent time fixing our fight. hehe. i love him :3 we got a lot of random chores done together and then my friends came over in the evening. we spent our time woodcutttingg 'TWAS SO FUN! although i picked a v intricate design without realising how my noob at this art form-self is going to have such a hard time carving it out. i hope i finish it tho. :')

then we went out for dinner to this chotu Marathi restaurant nearby. all of their food is SO spicy (true Marathi style), but also so good. here's my chicken thali. the white thing in the bowl is my absolute favourite - it's chicken rassa, basically a lightly spiced bone broth. this was the first time i had it, and um can't wait to make this at home! such a summer dish.

also ate some ice cream and went to bed happy and feeling loved.

#75 soft #day 7 #bingedisorder #mental health #self love #body insecurity tw

acceptance and commitment

//feeling so self-sabotage-y//

the past 4 days have been supremely unproductive. we had to deal with a stressful housing situation and my back pain had me wincing while doing anything but lying supine in bed. thankfully, both of these things got sorted out on Wednesday (i am so so grateful it's all settled down, especially our housing sitch). yesterday was supposed to be the day i get back on track but i made the horrible decision to weigh myself in the morning - and that triggered a landslide of self-hate and misery that had me non-functional for the rest of the day.

currently, it's Friday morning - a week has gone by and i've done nothing. i feel disgusted with myself, my body, my inability to compartmentalize and prioritize - the self-judgement is so strong, it's making me want to numb myself with instant gratification. i am not looking forward to my day, i don't want to do anything.

so here's some acceptance:

stress puts me in freeze mode.

guilting myself over things i haven't done, apprehension over my prolonging to-do list make me want to avoid these things even more.

i find it difficult to stay motivated and consistent after working hard for about a week. it gets exhausting to exercise, control my diet, and do chores - all squeezed into my study breaks. i get about an hour in a day to relax and do other things that i enjoy, and i think that might be the reason why i feel so crazy by the end of a productive week.

once a stressor is resolved, i need some mental health time to process things, clear my mind, and get back in the zone. writing, yoga and meditating are my favourite ways to process things.

academic success is the only time my parents expressed their appreciation for me through a childhood where i was unseen and felt unloved/unwanted for the most part.

my hyper-intense focus on how fat i am makes it hard for me to feel confident in my skin.

i eat more when i'm stressed. i eat more when i'm sad. i eat more when i'm happy and want to celebrate. i think about food often - i enjoy meal planning, i enjoy cooking. i love experimenting with new cuisines, trying out new restaurants, and eating at the really good ones. i'm a picky eater in the sense that i want to eat food that's skillfully cooked and tastes really good.

i'm often bored of the food i cook at home, or too tired to put a good tasting meal together for us. and since A can't cook, we end up eating out. my mother in grained in me this dysfunctional system of food scarcity: she labelled foods and heavily restricted the bad ones. these restrictions only applied to us, while she herself would freely eat said "bad" foods from the hidden secret stash. she conditioned us into believing that eating out = stuffing yourself to the fullest (my brother would often throw up by the time we got to dessert at a buffet, and then continue to eat - and this was something my mother would laugh at) and this is a pattern i'm struggling so hard to break out of now - treating a restaurant meal like any other meal: one that is balanced and just enough to keep me energized and make me feel good after.

Bengali culture is very food centric - i think this is where my snobby palate and passion for food were nurtured, while also being the setting where my dysfunctional eating took root.

i've been a fat girl since i was a baby. all my life, there isn't a single moment when i wasn't fat - i often wonder if being big is natural to me. i am also a big boned 5' 7" girl (tall, by Indian standards).

my mother fat shamed me throughout - and continues to do so. she has also often stated that i'm unattractive - beliefs that have permeated in me. i have also been made to feel unattractive and unwanted by people because of my fat. i have sometimes been the butt of fat girl jokes among my friends.

my childhood was a very dysfunctional one - something that therapy has been helping me come to terms with. in fact, until my therapist confirmed it, i wasn't even sure if it really was dysfunctional or if i was just being a drama queen. amidst the lack of security in my childhood, food became one of my biggest sources of comfort. i have memories from a very young age of stealing food from my mother's "secret stash", especially when i was home alone. as i hit my teenage years, i began obsessively bingeing and purging at the first chance i could get. the guilt i feel over this i overwhelming. food has a huge impact on me emotionally.

i have cycled in and out of restrictive diets in order to lose weight. the longest i've been able to stick to one is for about 15 months.

especially because i study medicine, the health repercussions of being overweight are a huge source of anxiety for me.

i actually truly love working out, curating healthy meals for myself and studying - my ability to do all of this heavily depends on my emotional state and energy levels. especially so because i have major all-or-nothing mentality - i want it all to go perfectly, down to the right time like a (not Indian) train schedule - and a small thing amiss makes me feel like a failure. then i hole up in freeze for the rest of the day.

i accept that i am all of this - and it isn't good or bad. it just is. i spend so much time trying to align with who i want to be, i forget to align with who i already am. i accept that, among all these beliefs, there are many that serve me and many that are ok to let go off. i accept that navigating through this will take time, there is so much to unlearn and learn. i accept that, at the end of this road or any road - there is no assured happiness to find. assured happiness and satisfaction with the self does not exist. no matter what i become, there will never be a future where i'm not striving to change something around me/in myself for the "better". and that's why - all these "goals" that i set for myself needn't feel so heavy and do-or-die. i accept that the burden of the future is one that i can take off my shoulders and set down. that doesn't mean giving up on my future all together - it means sailing, with no pressure, in the general direction of things that add meaning to my life.

with this acceptance, i commit to things that make me happy now:

studying, as much as i can, every day. i love the mental workout of studying and also can we take a moment to really appreciate what a magical science medicine is (': - studying also makes me happy now because it brings me closer to starting my MD, and i am so excited to be back in the hospital, furthering my journey as a doctor + researcher. i know that focusing is hard after 2h - i can work with this and schedule my study hours such that i get a good break after this.

morning yoga and

meditating both of these soothe my soul. they make me slow down and be present in each tiny passing second. they make me more observant and appreciative of the self and the world, more intentional with my choices and actions. they make my life richer, softer, more open and accepting, and deeply calm.

eat what is best for my body i am attempting to do something that feels very scary to me: stop calorie counting *alarm bells go off in my head* hehe :'| i don't think emphasizing on the numbers is serving me. i want my relationship with food to be centered around the nutrients in it, what it does for my body, how it makes me feel, being a conscious consumer, and exploring different cultures through cuisine. this is going to be a learning curve - one where i am aware that i may gain weight - and as scary as that is, it's ok. i'll learn a lot, i'll figure out a system for myself through this, and i'll make sure my body is getting what makes her energetic, healthy and happy - because that really is all that food should be giving me.

workout for the joy it gives me to see my body getting stronger, faster and more flexible. for knowing that i'm taking care of my heart, my joints and muscles. for the ditzy of endorphins. and for the joy in the sheer act of movement.

i commit to my 75 soft, this time with 3 changes:

i don't have to start over if i break a streak. i just celebrate my longest streak.

i don't have to hit every goal every day. they're just a framework of things i'd like to get done each day

and the biggest, scariest of them all: [] 1400 kcal eat nutrient-focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

#self parenting #emotional regulation #bingeandpurge #just binged #freeze mode #mental health

viridianriver

KOKOBOT - The Airbnb-Owned Tech Startup - Data Mining Tumblr Users' Mental Health Crises for "Content"

I got this message from a bot, and honestly? If I was a bit younger and not such a jaded bitch with a career in tech, I might have given it an honest try. I spent plenty of time in a tough situation without access to any mental health resources as a teen, and would have been sucked right in.

Chatting right from your phone, and being connected with people who can help you? Sounds nice. Especially if you believe the testimonials they spam you with (tw suicide / self harm mention in below images)

But I was getting a weird feeling, so I went to read the legalese.

I couldn't even get through the fine-print it asked me to read and agree to, without it spamming the hell out of me. Almost like they expect people to just hit Yes? But I'm glad I stopped to read, because:

What you say on there won't be confidential. (And for context, I tried it out and the things people were looking for help with? I didn't even feel comfortable sharing here as examples, it was all so deeply personal and painful)

Also, what you say on there? Is now...

Koko's intellectual property - giving them the right to use it in any way they see fit, including

Publicly performing or displaying your "content" (also known as your mental health crisis) in any media format and in any media channel without limitation

Do this indefinitely after you end your account with them

Sell / share this "content" with other businesses

Any harm you come to using Koko? That's on you.

And Koko won't take responsibility for anything someone says to you on there (which is bleak when people are using it to spread Christianity to people in crisis)

I was curious about their business model. They're a venture-capitol based tech startup, owned by Airbnb, the famous mental health professionals with a focus on ethical business practices./s They're also begging for donations despite having already been given 2.5 million dollars in research funding. (If you want a deep dive on why people throw crazy money at tech startups, see my other post here)

They also use the data they gather from users to conduct research and publish papers. I didn't find them too interesting - other than as a good case study of "People tend to find what they are financially incentivized to find". Predictably, Koko found that Kokobot was beneficial to its users.

So yeah, being a dumbass with too much curiosity, I decided to use the Airbnb-owned Data-Mining Mental Health Chatline anyway. And if you thought it was dangerous sounding from the disclaimers? Somehow it got worse.

(trigger warning / discussions of child abuse / sexual abuse / suicide / violence below the cut - please don't read if you're not in a good place to hear about negligence around pretty horrific topics.)

auressea

Koko used GPT-3 to counsel 4,000 people but shut the test down because "it felt kind of sterile." Users rated the AI responses highly. Cue t

An experiment in using chatbots to dispense mental-health counseling raised questions about ethics. Rob Morris, cofounder and CEO of Koko...

thatsmimi

Kokobot is incredibly predatory and exploitative. I wrote a post about how it exploits minors' empathy and gamifies "giving mental health advice", resulting in an unregulated mess that can only do harm to teens' mental health in the long run.

There are young people on tumblr that actively seek support from KokoBot right now, if you check the tag for recent posts. Those people did not get paid to promote it, so do not harrass them. If you can, direct them towards resources about Kokobot (like this post) that are more transparent about what this company is up to.

75 soft: day 6

[x] morning yoga

30m full body stretch

I have this weird ache down the side of my torso - wondering if it's the Copenhagen lift-hold from yesterday? or maybe side plank? hurrrts

[x] midday wxo

20m HIIT tabata

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 4h 45m

I was sick in the evening and the back pain intensified to an unbearable degree.

[] 1400 kcal

too sick to cook, got takeout

#75 soft #day 6

75 soft: day 5

[x] morning yoga

upper body+core work. got to work on my crow asana ☆

[x] midday wxo

leg day D: was so pooped after, 'twas greattt

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 4h 45m

here's my afternoon study sesh ft. Koka, green tea and watermelon

could've gotten more done, but an important lesson was learnt today - i have trouble saying no to people, and this is something I need to do more often. i think my friends at least will respect my boundaries - maybe they won't understand it entirely, but I'm not obligated to make them understand.

[x] 1400 kcal

was craving protein today so I had some grilled chicken and the MOST DELISH mango milkshake for dinner. MANGO SEASON INCOMING ♡ - literally my only favourite thing about summer is the fruits: watermelon, mango, litchi. also today's farm bounty that Uncle Benji shared w us:

this is the roundest watermelon I've ever seen hehe

#75 soft #day 5

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs