In the spirit of vulnerability and transparency, I’m going to tell you something that I’ve been insecure about for years. I have believed, (and still struggle to reject) the idea that I would be happier, more confident, worth more and objectively more desirable to men if I didn’t have a flat butt. I’m a BLACK woman with literally “becky” as my name and was then triply cursed with a lack of “booty” so synonymous with black features. Deep down, I have felt that this “flaw” was the key to my discontent. Trust me, when I found out what a brazilian butt lift was and how much it cost, I immediately started saving up and imagining how much my life would improve after the surgery. It felt like everyone knew that this was my unfortunate lot in life.
Everyone from random men to my ex, and actual friends and family have made comments that I’ll never forget. “Well maybe if you didn’t stand like that, it wouldn’t look so flat” “Just squats and the gym girl” (as if genetics and generally how my body is built don’t factor in, don’t let the plastic surgery fool you..aint no one building a big butt overnight) “it’s small but cute I guess” or just knowing and disappointed looks. All of this to say, even when I was working out and consciously squatting, I was fixated on this one part of me and felt horribly insecure and worthless because of it. I avoided pants with no pockets, rompers, pencil skirts, body-con anything, and much, much more to try to hide what I HATED about my body. So much effort into hating myself. I think about the lengths I went to and shudder thinking that I thought that I was living my life.
My breakup last year and decision to truly face myself was a true turning point in my life. I was society’s idea of “thin,” had a boyfriend, was in law school, finished a successful internship and yet, I had never been so depressed, so unhappy with myself, and so miserable. I had everything but peace of mind. Everything but self worth. Everything but the ability to look in the mirror and appreciate every part of me. I couldn’t say the words “I am enough.” I believed wholeheartedly that there was something very wrong with me. Through a painful but rewarding process and self-love journey (that I just celebrated the 1 year anniversary of), I’ve discovered a community of folks who are rejecting the culture that helped breed my and our insecurities.
Body Positivity saved me. Fat activism is precious work and I am forever grateful to the women and femmes who do that work as they fight to exist within our fatphobic society. I went through the process of spotting and countering the lies we are fed every second, minute, hour, day of our lives from media, family, and other external sources. I experienced the steps toward recovery from unhealthy ideas of self and my relationships to food and the judgments of other people. It’s absolutely a PROCESS that I’m still in the middle of but believe me, it has changed EVERYTHING for me. I have found joy and confidence within myself that I never thought was possible without someone else validating me. It really has come from within.
That is why, I must call out what I see as violent, dangerous, and a negligent perpetuation of the most toxic ideas of diet/weight loss culture. This time it’s in the form of Khloe Kardashian, her brand, and the new show and book that has come from it. Her entire message is, “change your self, especially your body so that you will be validated by your exes and folks that shamed you in the past, but mostly so you can finally be happy and free.” or in other words, the problem isn’t SOCIETY, isn’t FATPHOBIA, isn’t LOW SELF WORTH, isn’t IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS OF PERFECTION, nor is it our lack of time to HEAL, NOPE…it’s you. You need to change. There’s something wrong with you, that’s why you’ve been rejected. That’s why you are unhappy with yourself. SO let me make an entire show affirming that belief and peddling this false idea that this will solve all your problems.
This is not helpful in the slightest.
It’s lies wrapped up in capitalistic gain for the Kardashian brand and the diet industry, and ultimately it’s not meant to support healthy self-love but foster more and more self hate. It has to end.
There is no such thing as an ideal body. The mindset that you have to change your self for love, acceptance, and worthiness will leave you empty every time. Healing from rejection and trauma are real challenges in a society that tells us our bodies are a problem to be fixed. But, let me tell you that your body was never the problem and so it can’t possibly be the solution. When Khloe says that her haters are her motivators, she explicitly leaves out herself. Self hate only breeds more self hate. What her show and what she won’t tell you is that conforming to someone’s else’s idea of perfection or desirable won’t stop that voice inside you from screaming “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH.” Rejecting this entire premise that ‘the way your body looks determines our worth’ can silence that voice.
I don’t know Khloe or how she feels when she looks in the mirror or what thoughts go through her head when she’s alone with just herself, but something tells me there are parts of her that are still dissatisfied, parts that can’t be healed by another surgery or trip to the gym. Within each and every one of us is the capacity to love ourselves but it takes intense, and often painful inner work because we are going against what we’ve been taught for our entire lives.
I’ll say it now and I’ll say it a million times more until shows celebrate our authentic selves and stop selling self hate disguised as empowerment. There’s nothing wrong with you. Who needs a “revenge body” when loving yourself is the biggest middle finger to this toxic, fatphobic and diet obsessed society? You are enough and you don’t have to make anyone believe that but yourself.
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