The Hezekiah Frith guide to making your boring office job a little bit more adventurous
Let’s face it, working in an office sucks. Staring at spreadsheets all day in a badly lit room, awkward lift conversations with that guy from accounting about Game Of Thrones, meetings that last for hours about problems that could have been solved in a minute.
Don’t you wish you could make your life a little bit more adventurous? Not ‘quit your job and move to a shack in Alaska’ adventurous, but something a tad more exciting than going to a different coffee shop for your afternoon pick-me-up.
Don’t fear, we’ve got you covered.
Meet Hezekiah Frith. He turned work boredom into adventurousness so awesome that at times it may border on the insane. We’ve turned his insanity in to five tips that you can use to make your work life just a little bit more exciting.
1. Moonlight as something awesome You don’t need to quit your boring job to make life more exciting. Batman didn’t stop being Bruce Wayne to run around beating up criminals in the middle of the night full time. How would he have been able to afford the Batmobile? The trick is finding something to do on the side. Hezekiah was born in Bermuda in 1763, one of seven children born to Captain William Frith and Sarah Lee. He ran his Dad’s shipping business and though it made him incredibly rich, it clearly made him incredibly bored too. His answer to this was to get a job on the side, in secret. What Hezekiah did that Bruce Wayne didn’t was to choose a job that’s way more exciting than what he was already doing, but still close enough to it that he was well qualified for it. Given his extensive CV in shipping, Hezekiah went for ‘Pirate’. Since you work in an office, piracy might not be the right choice for you. However, there’s probably a Super Villain or two out there looking for someone with a background in data entry and an intimate knowledge of Excel. Give LinkedIn a go; even Super Villains don’t like paying recruiting fees. Remember, keep doing the office job you’re already doing so no-one suspects anything. You may have to nip out early a couple of evenings a week and take some ominous phone calls during the day, but that’s OK. Probably best not to post it on your LinkedIn profile though.
2. Come up with an alter ego So now you’ve found the right job, you’re halfway there. Well done. What you really need now is an epic alter ego or nickname that your co-workers will talk about around the water cooler. Hezekiah Frith was known as ‘The Gentleman Pirate’. That might not sound intimidating now but in the 18th century, that was a pretty badass alter ego. Also, it tells you everything you need to know about the guy; he was a pirate, sure, but also a gentleman. Like he’d attack your ship but do it wearing a really nice suit. Or hold the door open for you with his hook hand.
3. Steal office supplies to help you out. The genius part of Hezekiah’s plan was that he could borrow the resources of his job as a shipping magnate to be a pirate. Namely, he had a lot of ships. These are really useful if you’re trying to be a pirate captain. Hezekiah turned his Dad’s shipping empire into one of the biggest and most successful piracy networks of the late 18th Century and made an absolute fortune. Charlie Chaplin would later own the house he built in Bermuda with the proceeds. It had secret passages and places to keep buried treasure. In your case, you’re going to need to borrow some office supplies and use them for your more nefarious purposes. Look around your desk; what could be used in your new job? Does that stapler look slightly more menacing than a normal stapler? Return it in the morning, your boss will never know. However, if he catches you…
4. Get your boss in on the ruse Hezekiah wasn’t very good at keeping his mouth shut. If you were a pirate in your spare time, wouldn’t you want to tell people about it too? Eventually, the British caught up with him. Did this faze him? Of course not. He promised to only steal from the French, mortal enemies of the British. Not only did they let him carry on, they paid him for his trouble. If your boss catches you with that stapler outside of office hours, tell him that it’s to help him bring down the rival office across the street. He’ll think you’re taking your work seriously and give you a pay rise.
5. Use your newfound skills to get dates Hezekiah Frith rescued a Frenchwoman from her evil French husband and brought her to stay at his house in Bermuda. Well, we say ‘rescued’… Some might say ‘kidnapped’. Probably best to avoid this sort of controversy and just obliquely reference the fact that you work for a Super Villain in your Tinder profile. It works, trust us.
