[lessthanepsilon]

I'm really struggling with work - I'm supposed to be writing my thesis. I thought I made some headway with dealing with whatever this problem is, but I still find myself just completely unable to even open up my computer to start on it. It's a daily struggle. Every single day. I fucking hate it. I basically haven't been able to work for ~2 years. Maybe I am burned out? I don't know. I'm really grateful to be in a grad school where I can basically be in a burn out and not do any work and nobody even notices...as I'm typing that it sounds really messed up. Why am I grateful for that? Shouldn't I want people to notice, hey K is not really showing up for work, I wonder if she's okay? I am grateful that I can work from home and have all this time I want to study meditation, and learn about things I care about (i.e. not the things I'm in grad school for...) but I feel tremendous shame for not being able to work. To the point I think about lying to my partner when he gets home and asks me how work went today. I try to be as honest as possible. But I'm sure that I sugarcoat it and act as if I'm more productive because I still believe my worth is tied to my productivity. I don't want him to resent me for not working while he goes out and works a job he doesn't want to do either but has to.

In other news it's been snowing non stop for 3 days and I love it

[lessthanepsilon]

Wow it's been over a year! The last I wrote my brother had died. After that, I went on a two week alcoholic bender and finally ended up at an AA meeting, and I've been sober ever since (16 months so far). It has been a wild ride. I have been wanting to get back in to writing. I am now trying to finish my thesis, and writing has become a daily habit. So I thought, oh yeah what about tumblr? So here I am. So much has happened it's like this person who used to be on here is a completely different, new person! I will write about it, but I will probably make a new account. Anyway I'm thinking of the people I used to know here and I'm glad you're still here 💜

[lessthanepsilon]

tw, cw: violence, mental illness, death

My br*ther was killed yesterday by p*lice after killing 2 people. He had bipolar disorder and paranoia, and also abused drugs and was not taking medication for his bpd. i have tried to find some online support groups for family of mentally ill people and I haven’t found anything useful for me (i live in sw*den but I only speak english) i feel really quite alone and i want to talk to people who have dealt with bpd / family with mental illness, please let me know if you have any idea how I can find this kind of thing

[lessthanepsilon]

i just wanna know if it’s wrong for me to put a note on my neighbors’ door telling them to either get a therapist or get a divorce? just don’t want to be woken up at 3am with screaming anymore...I broke up with my ex to avoid that whole situation, so...

[lessthanepsilon]

Forcing myself to not work outside of 8:00--19:00 has really taught me a lot about what the hell I've been subjecting myself to throughout my whole educational career. Like why do agree to do so many things I don't want to do? Before I started this experiment with my work hours I didn't even realize these were things I truly didn't want to do...And I mean that's still 11 hours of work a day! I'm easing my way down to 9:00--17:00, but it's going to take some time, partly because I have to figure out how to cut out all these extra tasks I've taken on that aren't my responsibility.

[fishpillowses]

cardassians be like o}:)

[bashircore]

bajorans be like :»)

[hereforthelizardsex]

klingons be like }}:)

[section-69]

ferengi be like O°=°O

[leehallfae]

vulcans be like {ò_ó}

[protectspock]

andorians be like =:)

[panthalassan]

denobulans be like }^_^{

[lessthanepsilon]

Next wednesday I give my final presentation for this project I’ve been working on for 1.5 years and I’m so fucking happy to be done with it. Once the presentation is finished, I am leaving with this girl I’ve been seeing for a cottage on an island in the archipelago. Even though it’s still snowing here I’ve got incurable spring fever

[topcat77]

Kees VAN DONGEN 

Le Rimmel (femme se maquillant)

[everythingfox]

(Source)

[dankmemeuniversity]

[lessthanepsilon]

You ever hear somebody in real life react in a negative manner towards Benjamin L. Sisko and just think to yourself, “Yeah...this is not gonna work out” ?

[everythingfox]

I- what?

[lessthanepsilon]

my gf broke up with me the day before NYE. She told me that she couldn’t feel close to me. She said that when we first met, it was like she was riding a wave, and suddenly the wave hit a wall and she couldn’t get past it. I thought she meant I had done something, that I was distant. But I realized she meant she didn’t want to feel more. I cried all night. Tears came out of my eyes until I fell asleep. I dreamt of being underwater and bobbing my head up to the surface for breath. The next day I went to a NYE party and I drank and sat in a chair and had a headache until I fell asleep on a mattress on the floor. I had a headache when I woke up. I walked home and I thought only of the walk home from her apartment, the walk along the frozen lake. In my head I thought about her hand. I tried to say the words, ‘her hand’ aloud. I couldn’t get past ‘her.’

[lessthanepsilon]

so in Sw*d*n, c***v*d things are going terribly, but I had to teach a course in person anyway this month, so that’s sw*d*n for you...

I literally have not looked at this site since the last time I posted, but tbh I think I should come back because no matter what, this site could always make me laugh because I have this A+ peak dashboard. I just have been super distracted by ELECTRONS and PIONS and STUDENTS.

[lessthanepsilon]

Here is the situation:

Me: body dysmophia

My Finnish Gf: loves my body

Me: wtfffff is this I cant even translate it to english

[lessthanepsilon]

Hey, I deserve a hot gf who loves me!

That's what I have to shout at my lizard brain.

It's still a struggle. I always think she is pretending, I'm extra sensitive to anything that could be seen as a criticism. Sometimes I have to drink to deal with these anxieties. But I dont want to mess anything up.

[lessthanepsilon]

"The defining quote of my failure as a lothario: "

Apparently that is the title of the draft post I had going on tumblr for ~1 month...who knows how it would have ended?

At the moment I have what you could possibly consider a girlfriend? One night in bed I literally started to fall asleep thinking how could she ever want me? She's going to leave me tomorrow, shes already decided it. And then she whispered in my ear, 'I'm happy you're here'.

Maybe theres something wrong with her! That's what my lizard brain wants me to believe.