Flights got delayed and delayed some more, but it worked to our advantage and we somehow got 1st class from Edmonton to Toronto.
The seats were wider, there were free mimosa’s, the headphones were high quality and dinner was served on a glass plate with glass cups and silver utensils. Dinner even came with your own personal miniature salt and pepper shakers.
We arrived to a scorching hot Barcelona where we walked around in 40 degree heat, still wearing pants and sweaters from the plane ride. Our hotel was walking distance to most things tourist, so we started off near the market and watched some acrobatic men blasting obnoxious music jump and do flips over tourists while enjoying the first of many beer/sangrias.
The next day we walked our roller luggage over 1000000 small cobblestones to the marina where we boarded the Valiant Lady.
When we entered the room, the lights automatically turned on and the pink and blue ombré curtains opened to our own patio looking out over the ocean with a handmade red hammock.
The room had an iPad that controlled things like lights, TV, music, curtains, room service ect. You could also change the “mood” of the room, naturally, we put it on the ‘get it on’ theme which played sexy music and made the room turn hot pink and close the blinds when selected. Hah.
When sun was setting that evening we found a hot tub to sit in and watched a beautiful sunset while sailing away.
The ship sailed over night and each morning we would wake up in a new city. The first morning we woke up in Marseille. We started the morning off by running 5k around the red outdoor track that circled the top of the ship.
We left the ship and walked around Le Vieux Port (the old port).
There was a ton of vendors there that morning, but it was so damn hot that if you weren't selling ice cream or beer we weren't interested.
Soap was a big ticket item there. There was a soap museum, a soap souvenir shop, local artisan soap..
Speaking of cleanliness, after walking around, we found a tan marble staircase that had been coated in 100’s of years worth of urine. We walked up said pee staircase and found a huge cathedral, “ cathédral la majeur”.
That same walk we also came across ‘’the worlds largest orange gummy bear’’ and a pigeon eating a full pizza to itself.
At the end of the day, we returned to the boat where a band from Jacksonville, Florida called the “The honey hounds” played and amazing show .
The second day we woke up in Cannes, France.
We took a tour bus that day to Monaco, which is home of the prince’s palace, which we took a tour around.
They gave us a little 90’s cellphone that told you info about each of the exhibits. The thing talked too much and was kind of boring, but there was some interesting paintings of angry dogs, infinity mirrors, frog men, and ugly renaissance babies.
We then went to an aquarium full of your typical aquarium shit, but they did have a giant sea turtle!
While there, we visited the Monté Carlo Casino, where the James Bond movie was filmed.
Parked outside the building was ridiculously flashy luxury cars and we even saw a celebrity! We don’t know who the celebrity was, but everyone was trying to take photos with him.
That area also had all the fancy boutiques like YSL, Louis viton, Fendi, but I was more excited about a ginormous inflated bottle of ketchup in a nearby garden. After a selfie with the ketchup we went back to the boat where we saw a savage ass seagull kill and eat another bird in the water.
Speaking of eating, for dinner that night we had a surprise 6 course meal at the ‘Test Kitchen’. Each dish was paired a special cocktail as well.
The restaurant theme was ‘science lab’. The colours were white and hospital green, the countertops were stainless steel and the waiters wore white lab coats.
The dinner was amazing; Appetizers consisted of a mushroom patté (shaped like a mushroom), followed by a smoked eggyolk on peas and a small soup with muscles and prosciutto.
For the main we were served a potato cut into microscopically thin slices so it looked like a sea creature, then they topped it with a bacon powder.
Accompanying it was a piece of medium rare venison that had been slow cooked and topped with berries and a berry sauce, gravy, and melted dark chocolate. Omg. It. Was. So. Good.
For dessert they gave us a wasabi ice cream, followed by second dessert, a chocolate cake with a melty center and berry goo.
After dinner we went to Kaine’s first ever draaaggg shooowwww to see “The Diva”. Kaine’s ass hole would clench up every time she came near because she touched him while singing/dancing and got him to hold some stuff throughout the performance. Luckily she didn’t ask him to come up and lip sing Shania Twain “I feel like a woman” with the other guys.
The next day we spent on the boat sailing to our next destination. I tried ordering eggs for breakfast twice, but after them coming back cold and uncooked both times, we got some sushi and ramen then went to the pool to lounge around and watch a drunk guy stumble around.
For dinner that night we went to “Gunbae” for a Korean style dinner.
We sat with 4 kind/obnoxious New Yorker’s who yelled at each other constantly and said what ever was on their mind.
The dinner started off with a simple counting game (which a few of them couldn’t understand for the life of them).
Basically if you said a certain number, you lost and had to take a shot of saki.
(I won btw ).
We went on to have a bunch of grilled meats and finished with dessert.
Dessert was a white and black ice cream with caramel sauce, but the sauce tatsted odd, like meat marinade.
The next morning we sailed into Olbia and hopped on a double decker to the downtown area. In the afternoon, most shops close for a ‘ciesta’ mid afternoon. So after walking the pier and looking at closed shops, we headed back to the ship where we played some shuffleboard and watched an acrobatic version of Romeo and Juliet.
After dinner they had “the scarlet night”. There was games, truth or dares, live music, the halls were lit with red lights and inflatable fish, and they put on a singing/dance show where people danced in the shallow end of the pool like Christina Aguilera’s ‘dirty’ music video.
We took it pretty easy that night because the next day we would arrive in Ibiza where Calvin Harris was playing!!
But we didn’t have tickets to that, so we just walked around the scorching heat.
There was a tall stone wall that went up a mountain side with apartments, restaurants and old stone homes from when it was its own city.
At the top were amazing views looking out over the ocean.
We were going to go to a nearby beach, but we ran out of water and couldn’t afford more. Just kidding, we could afford more, but if you sat down at a restaurant, went to a washroom or tried to use water in any way, it would cost you.
We found a local restaurant at the top of this mountain and accidentally ordered enough pizza and fruit for 5 people. We didn’t want to waste the food we shovelled more into our belly’s than we should have.
We set sail again and later found ourselves at Bingo hosted by ‘The Diva’.
She made a bunch of jokes throughout, one being:
Q: how do you know you’re at a gay picnic?
A: The hot dogs smell like shit.
That made me lol. Anyways, the cruise was over and we abandoned ship to spend a few nights in Barcelona on our own agenda.
To appease me, we went to “Mocco” an art museum which had art from Banksy, Warhol, and a bunch of other artists I’ve never heard of.
We both really liked the art from an artist in particular named, Guillermo Garcia.
After a bunch of walking we got snacky and went to a pub for tapas and beer.
At these places you order a beer, get a plate, and along the bar counter is plates and plates full of two bite snacks. At the end you count how many toothpicks you have, and that’s what you pay!
It was recommended to us that we definitely pay a visit to the Sangrada Familia, a basilica that’s been under construction for over 132 years and is still not completed. It was designed by a famous architecture named Gaudi who steered away from the gothic church style and gave it a brighter, more artsy/whimsical feel. Long story short, it was epic. The sun coming through the stained glass windows and the organ blasting throughout the building was incredible.
After some more walking, tapas, uncooked eggs and hot choc so thick you’re supposed to dip a churro in it, we hopped on the plane and came back home.