What am I supposed to say? I've wanted to talk to you for the longest time but couldn't have even had the opportunity been granted. How could I have ever faced you when I would have to have admitted that I could not even recall your face? Not the brightness of your eyes, not the turn of your lips when a smile lit up your face. Neither did I remember of the times we shared together. Too many to put down on paper, so many years of joy that you gave me. I could not hear your voice in my mind or even the echoes of your music. Such beauty was all lost to me and my life has been empty without you in it, even in my thoughts.
Now though I know that the time must be nearing that I am to return to the Undying Lands for I feel the Call of the Sea in my heart. I ache to take the Straight Path and walk on the Silver Shores again and my dearest wish is that you will be waiting for me. With it has come my memories of you also. They have returned slowly but I now treasure each and every one as precious and cradle it protectively. I will not let them go again, no matter the tears which they cause to fall.
You must know that I would never have left had I had any choice in the matter. I would have stayed and waited there for you to be brought back to me. I wanted nothing more than to be the first face you looked upon when you first opened your eyes to new life. Know that I pleaded for your release, that I asked not to be sent away but that the will of the Valar was not to be bent and so it was with the heaviest heart that I left.
Here it is then that I must make my confessions and beg your forgiveness for the harm that I have caused. You were always the strong one, not so soft of heart as I. So weak was I when I returned and so grieved that eventually I had to have you rendered from my mind until this time. Had I not I fear that I should not have survived, so weak and selfish a creature I am and there would have been no second chance for me to return again. I wonder at the reason sometimes but in doing this our bond was broken. I am aware that you will know this but you must understand that it was never my intent. I never wished for such a thing and it breaks my heart to think upon each and every day. The only thing I hope for is that you will find it in your heart to forgive me my foolish mistake and that it can be re-made.
I spend my days now going through the motions. I rise each morning and do the duties which are set before me. The familiar routines that have been my mainstay for so many years that I have lost count. I train the guards and ride out to scout for foes and wield my sword whenever I am called upon to do so to protect those who live here. Not so different a life to before is it? Would it surprise you if I said that even now I still hate doing it? You know I always did. When I am home if you ever see me with a sword in my hand you have my permission remove it from me. Though I doubt you will ever need to.
Ah, so much to tell you of what has come to pass here. Though I believe I shall not do so now. Those are stories to be told by a fire in an evening when the world here is far away and memories of monsters and darkness are nothing more than that. Besides, I know that I would not tell them to your liking and you would want to interject and make comment. I would not begrudge you of the opportunity.
Perhaps in years to come we can look back on this separation without hurt, without tears and the pain of loss. I look forward to that and am counting down the days until it is my time to take the ship that will carry me home.
Wait for me. I'm coming soon.
I spent many days, months then, years finally, wondering why would you... do this. Was I not good enough for you, after all? Were your words just mere lies, back then, when we were, allegedly, so happy? It was hard for me to believe and most of the time I kept hating myself for even allowing such thoughts to sneak into my mind. Yet, you left me.
When I was reborn there was no one to greet me. I don't know how this had took place with you, but I? I was alone. I woke up suddenly, as if from a nightmare and my heart clenched with fear as I've heard, be it with my ears or power of mind, someone leaving the shores yet again. Don't ask me how, but I knew it was you, leaving me here.
I didn't make it to the shores. I haven't even saw your ship on the horizon. And yes, I eventually travelled back to Tirion to find my family and our king. I was informed about your mission and that it was given you by the firmest order of the Valar.
But was that supposed to help me in any way?
I was banned to follow you. I was denied the reason why I was awoken only after you left, denied at least the possibility to see you once more, talk to you. I was left with the questions and no answers. And so my mind began questioning everything it could.
You left me, Glorfindel, and there is no excuse for that. Valars might have ordered you to go but they would not really make you do this if you had not agreed on your own. And I do not understand your choice. After all we have been through, all the pain and misery, how could you decide to come back. And to go without me? To leave me here, in this, so called, blessed land? Know that I cursed it countless times.
I have found some peace for myself, eventually. It was not much nor was it really good but I managed to silence my mind's questions and my heart's pain.
Yet now that you tell me you let yourself forget about me.
This, my dear Glorfindel, is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. The wounds, the balrog fire, the grief and mourning for our beloved - no, none of this can match. You forgot about me. You let the memories of me be erased from your memory?
How could you? How could you do this?! Leave me here alone to grief, to miss you, to be like a shadow between those reunited with their beloved? To question everything that was between us, to question our love, your love and even mine... And to hate myself for being so weak. You made me go through all of this and yet you let yourself simply forget?
You ask for my forgiveness and you have a very good reason to ask for it, Fin.
You are quite late, though. Fin, my dearest Fin! I have forgiven you a long time ago. I suffered, yes. And it was your fault, that I cannot deny. But it does not matter to me anymore.
I love you, Fin. I love you more than anything, more than my selfish desires and fears. I love you and nothing, not the Valars, not the Fate, not your mistakes could ever change it. I love you and I missed you every day here. I love you and waited just to see you again. I love you and I am still waiting. And whenever you come, I will be here. I will greet you on the shores and take you home, where you belong.
PS. You better prepare yourself for a lot of these by-the-fireplace-conversations, my dear. You know how I love your storytelling and I'm sure you will have quite a few things to talk about. You might begin them already for me.
