Did you kill yourself yet? You should get on that.
Oh yeah, like I haven’t heard that I should kill myself before. REAL ORIGINAL.
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@lettersfromchanell
Did you kill yourself yet? You should get on that.
Oh yeah, like I haven’t heard that I should kill myself before. REAL ORIGINAL.
it's boring to talk about the weather
but I have such a love affair with the sun
the view in Queens
I’m sitting on the N train feverishly scratching my mosquito-bitten arms, dripping wet. I wonder, "How the fuck did I get here?" Well, it was quite simple really. I was standing outside the Lumberjacks apartment for over an hour and it might be just as desperate as it sounds.
The Lumberjack and I had been seeing each other pretty frequently since we met on New Years Eve. Everything was easy. I knew him better than he knew himself and he knew it. He accepted my crazy, because as a tree-hugging hippie, he accepted everyone. I hadn't gotten a response from any text I sent in a week. My calls went straight to voicemail. One week turned into two, and I was worried. Had he finally blocked me? My mom was visiting for a week, and there wasn't much I could do. The minute she left, I decided I should just bite the bullet and drop by. Just to check on his wellbeing, you know?
I primped quickly with a swipe of lipgloss shaved every inch of my body, put oil and perfume on, and flipped my hair a few times and was out the door primped quickly with a swipe of l. It was the Summer Solstice and I was feeling whimsical as all hell. It takes 1 hour and 2 trains to get to his place. I thought, “if he isn’t home, I’m going to kill myself be very upset.”
I hopped off the train in Astoria. The neighborhood was buzzing with Summer excitement. Everyone was excited to finally feel the warmth. I ran into a road block - a fucking street fair to be exact. The energy radiating off the neighborhood threw my anxiety into high gear. I walked faster. I tried to peek into his window while standing behind the hot dog stand and mini-ferris wheel. Standing from the street, I saw only a glow from the kitchen. Normally, this was the light is left on for his three legged cat. I called him over and over again. I left voicemails, threw rocks at his window, called my friends to talk me down from the ledge. I was a woman with a plan! Well. I was at least a woman. With a plan? Not so much.
This was Romeo and Juliet of the twenty first century. Or it would be if Juliet was a 4'11 shop girl in Manhattan and Romeo was a pot-smoking white man who worked as a park architect. As quickly as you could say, "wherefore art thou..." dark clouds gathered, a roar of thunder bellowed, and the rain fell. And it fell hard. The streets flooded in seconds, and the once full street fair was emptied immediately. I walked my drenched-ass to the train. When I got to the station, Mosquitos ate me alive.
The Lumberjack called me 3 days later to tell me his phone took on water after his trip to the Colorado River. I fucking hate Queens.
New York, New York
As cliche and generic as it sounds, I absolutely loved New York.
I fell more and more in love with her every.single.day.
I love how thin she makes me feel when my shadow bitch-walks up and down Mercer street.
I love when my nose is completely frozen, and the sidewalks are now icy and dangerous, but a 60 year old man still holds my hand so I don’t fall.
I love that perfect moment in Spring, when you knew Winters deathly chill has subsided. This is when the seasons click into place. The air feels so good, I need to open my arms so I can hug the sunshine.
I love how strong the bartender at my favorite bar on Avenue B makes my G + T. And it’s only because he loves my jokes, not because he wants to sleep with me.
I love how innocent a kiss with a stranger can be, especially on the quiet corner of Elizabeth and Houston.
I love New York. She made me completely breathless and confused. Left me in the dark, and practically penniless. I want to drink her in entirely. Slowly and wholeheartedly. As selfish as I am, I have her at my fingertips. But I need more, more, and more.
New Years Eve + Online Dating
I decided to give The Lumberjack (as I so affectionately called him) a chance after a date the previous week went sour. I had a good enough time after a second date with this guy Robert. I wasn’t into him really, but I figured I would give him a chance. It wasn’t until I got home I received a text explaining that “we weren’t a good match”. What the fuck?
The Lumberjack, TL, was away from the city in Alabama visiting family, but he made it a point to keep up a conversation with me. After deleting Roberts number (and any evidence he existed) from my phone I texted TL. “Hey. When you get back, do you wanna hang out?” He responded with an eager “yes, of course!” The only day that worked was New Year’s Eve. We made plans for that afternoon, that way the other wouldn’t feel obligated to see each other into 2015, if we weren’t interested.
I was unusually on time (20 minutes early) and found unusually excellent seats (right at the center of the bar) at this great little place in Nolita, Mothers Ruin. The bar had black and gold balloons floating on the ceiling, and holiday foliage strewn about. The perfect setting for a holiday date with a man I’d nicknamed “Lumberjack” due to his work as a park planner, and was the brains behind restoring parks in Queens. Also, he had a massive beard and only wore flannel.
Ben darted into the bar with a quickness and recognized my face immediately. We exchanged excited “hey’s” and an awkward hug. I found him immediately attractive, considering he looked nothing like the photos on his social media profiles (most of which I found using my excellent FBI skills). We were immediately interrupted as we realized a man wanted to sit next to us date, and we had to scoot down the bar. With that tiny and kind gesture, that man bought us a round of shots. The brown liquid burned all the way down and warmed once it settled in my belly. I was going to need whatever help I could get tonight.
TL ordered our drinks, a gin martini for me and a Sazerac for himself. Our conversation was slow and almost forced at first. I could only think to curse myself for making the worst first date in the history of first dates.
After a drink (3) the ice had broken - we couldn’t stop laughing! We talked about everything. It was story after story with us. He told me a bit about his work, his family and his recent trip to New Orleans. I told him a bit about school, and my love of writing and my last visit to Hawai’i. I know people always talk about those glorious moments of silence you can share with someone where nothing needs to be said at all, for hours, and you’re content. I’ve been a personal witness of those silences. But right now, I wanted to know everything there was to know about The Lumberjack. I wanted our words to cling together and form stacks and stacks of hardcovers.
As we were approaching 7PM, TL suggested we head to this dive bar he knew of. We got up to leave and I saw a girl staring at Ben from the bar. And that’s when I remembered other people existed. That realization was swatted away when TL placed his hand on the small of my back and gently guided me to the door.
We stepped out onto the sidewalk and The Lumberjack had his arm around me at this point, “So. You’re what? 4'9?” I jokingly pushed him away, “4'11, you ass!” Just when I thought I’d seen just about every inch of this goddamned city, we happened upon a garden littered with Greek statues. “This is amazing”, I explained. “You like this? It’s one of my favorite parks in the city.” We kept walking and I gushed over the lingerie boutiques we passed going up on Elizabeth. As the walk went on, we came up on Tacombi, a taco spot, and TL said the most beautiful words my glutton hear had ever heard: do you want guac?
We popped into the sparsely filled and dimly lit restaurant and TL ordered us grapefruit margaritas and chips with guacamole. Our conversation picked right up with our families, raising kids in NYC (both pro) the recent trend of police shootings (both anti) and how we were both raised catholic, but are no longer practicing. We talked about how we were both the black sheep of our siblings. Me being the peaceful vegetarian, and him the earth-friendly, non-religious, horticulture minor.
Our conversation had weaved into the most beautiful tapestry. I wanted to hang it on a wall in the MET so everyone could see the same magic I was seeing. That’s when TL said, “Do you think we should go on a second date?” My heart was screaming “yes”, but I knew if I had learned anything about dating it was that telling the truth would get me nowhere. So I simply said, “I dunno. Let’s see how this one goes, huh?” And TL looked at his drink and back at me, “I think we should.” He took a quick gulp.
From there, we started discussing how people in New York don’t date. I have more dates on me than a library book, and if there was something I knew to be true; it would be that the city of NYC didn’t believe in exclusivity. I went on about my theory about why I’m never in relationships. “I’m too honest”, I started “I don’t believe in refraining from what you want to do. I text people when I want to, I call when I want to, and I tell people exactly how I feel right when I feel it. That’s usually when the guy freaks out and never calls again. And I know it’s improper dating practice, but I’m ok with that. I just hope for the best when I do those things.” Then The Lumberjack said, “Well that’s love. That’s vulnerability. And vulnerability can be a beautiful thing, especially if you think of it in animalistic terms. If an animal lets itself be vulnerable, they either live through it or they die. You know?” My heart was raced.
We stepped out of our table, and again I was met with the realization of the existence of others. True to form, he put his hand on my back and lead me out of the restaurant and towards our third bar. It was around 10 and it was cold when we stood on the corner of Elizabeth and East Houston.The light told us to wait. The Lumberjack towered over me when he asked, “is it ok if I kiss you?”
I was waiting 6 hours for this exact moment. My face was hurting from how long I was smiling. I laughed out a “yes”. He leaned in close and slow, and pressed his lips firmly against mine. The light changed to walk and we broke away and crossed the street. We ducked in to the bar and were met with Jay Z’s ‘The Blueprint’ album. The Lumberjack took my drink order, a gin and tonic, and I found us a table. We sat down and he, a little drunk, shouted at me over the music, “I stole this album from a Best Buy in high school!” I knew this was someone I needed to have around for as long as I could.
We talked and drank more. A Taylor Swift song came on and I bounced in my seat with excitement. “I FUCKING LOVE TAYLOR!”S Something I would never say out loud. We got a little more drunk, and I caught him straight in his eye and said, “you’re perfect!” He looked down, blushing, and said - almost lasciviously- “I have my demons.”
We were at a stand still. It was almost 11 and he suggested we take a cab to Times Square. I shot that idea down when the words fell out of his mouth. “How bout we go back to your place?” He looked like I may have been joking, but he paid our tab and I was out the door looking for a cab. We fell on top of each other in the back seat, and started making out. He pulled the front of my shirt down and started to kiss my chest. Only now do I realize how pissed out cab driver may’ve been. I climbed on top of him, kissing his lips and his neck. We got to Astoria pretty quickly, I assume it was because the driver wanted us out right away.
We stumbled into his apartment. Messy. His three-legged cat came out to greet us and I sat on the wood floors to pet her. Thats when The Lumberjack casually said, "I finished these floors myself." That's all it took. I undressed in front of him and he carried me to his bed. I caught the clock, 12:15. Happy New Year.
Dating 201: Advancing in Awkward
The pickings are very slim in New York City. If I walk into a bar, and I have any intention of meeting someone there, a lot goes int o how I capture my prey decide to walk up to a boy.
1. I have to pick the PERFECT place to be. When I think of meeting a romantic interest, I don't immediately think of finding them at a bar. I would much rather be at Strand, or that used record store I love, and have a man notice my book/record of choice and strike up a conversation with me. But, unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way. Nor does it happen at the movie theater, or the library, or at yoga, or coffee shops, or restaurants or any of the other normal places I go to. I love bars, but I hate the people I meet there. Unfortunately, that's where everyone else is at when I'm going to SOULCYCLE in Union Square on a Friday night.
2. I have to hope other women in this bar don't have my same taste in guys (tall, lanky, preferably interested in Harry Potter, but not necessary) Not because I consider myself unworthy or uninteresting, but I just hate having to work at this stuff. Guys should just know I’m ~the one~.
3. I have to hope the man that I am interested in, is interested in me. Non-Spanish speaking Latina, 4'11, who I doesn't watch Game of Thrones. Yes, seriously. I can't tell the characters apart from each other, they’re all “white man with beard” imo. FIGHT ME.
4. Is he gay?
5. Final step, if we even make it this far, even if all the steps are completed in my favor, it still might not work out. Is he a murderer, is he a rapist, does he have a girlfriend, does he know who Soony Moore is, is he more interested in just sleeping with me than dating me? The list could go on.
So, when a cute guy who works in reforestation, lives ALONE on the Upper West Side, and is cute and thinks I'm cute, I was immediately intrigued.
Try not to use your teeth
I had been in NYC for about a year now and I was recently introduced to the online dating scene. I finally decided to take the plunge on Mark. We’d been chatting for a few days now and he seemed nice enough. Although, in my opinion, he listened to The Weeknd more than anyone should. We made plans to see a movie together - I know what you're thinking, "movies are the number 1 worst date idea!”
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Movies are fucking expensive in the city and I decided to use this as an opportunity to see a movie I had been dying to see - for free! We decided to meet at a Starbucks in Chelsea near the theater. He was 10 minutes late and he showed up with another girl. I'm still not entirely sure what she was there for, I guess to be a witness in case I was a murderer. Or a man. Eventually, after greeting her and seeing her off, we started walking towards the theater. It was one of those "it's been cold all month, but suddenly it's warm and I've worn too many layers’ kind of nights and Mark was the victim of this foolery. "Can you hold this?", he asked as he shoved his scarf and Beats headphones in my face."Um, no, I barely have enough room for my own stuff", motioning towards my small, brown, Coach cross-body. He snarled, "you need a bigger purse!" I immediately hated him. I decided I wouldn’t look him in the face for the rest of the night or I might’ve just punched him. We got to the theater and I had no remorse with him shelling out 14 dollars for my ticket. As I slipped out of the auditorium to grab a Coke, I texted my friends, "I HATE HIM, HES SO RUDE!" I was given a few pieces of advice to handle shitty first dates, but my favorite was: "say you're going to to the bathroom, and come meet us at the bar on 25th!" Although Mark was rude, I decided to just suck it up and try to be nice. He kept his hands to himself, and I made sure of it while I kept mine folded firmly in my lap. The movie ended and we started to leave. We walked past the bathrooms and Mark blurted, "Yo, watch my shit, Imma use the bathroom". Ugh. At least this would be over soon. We walked out of the theater and I finally got to look him in the face, something I hadn't done all night. It was then that I saw something that shocked me, or I guess I should say, I was shocked by something I didn't see.
When the street light hit Marks face, I didn't see more than one tooth in Marks mouth. ONE. TOOTH. To this day, I am not entirely sure if Mark maybe had more teeth in there, but they weren't visible from my angle. Needless to say, Mark never heard from me again. I am not a very shallow person, I do have my moments, but lets be honest: you can’t be an asshole and not have teeth. You don’t get to do both.
I'm back!
All of my followers were outrageously fabulous to me last year!
Everyone was so supportive throughout my struggle, and now I want to share more of my life with you. Lettersfromceline is taking a different route. It will now be under my real name: Chanell.
I hope you love me still
War on cuddles
Me: you don't have to cuddle with me, it's fine. I'd prefer you slept on the couch.
Him: but cuddling is so nice.
Annoyed.
Still hung over from the other night and I know what I did was wrong.
The stars aligned for a perfect mistake.
I’m such an ugly person with you. I’m not the person I’ve been for the last few months. And you are having so much fun without me.
Why did I do it? Drunk enough to be surprised you were in my bed. I’ve never done that before.
Sleeping with the enemy doesn’t fit. You’re not the enemy. I’ve learned from you. There was a time I loved you. Sleeping with the lesson, again.
And, of course, we unravel at each other. Both turning into monsters around the other. I say ugly things in front of you. Things I’m embarrassed to try to work through. I would rather ignore them, and forget than try to understand why I said them.
And we know we're bad for each other. Progress I’ve made on myself depletes. The growing you’ve done, that I’m honestly impressed with, is suddenly nothing.
The worst decision I made was calling you. But of course. Here I am at 4AM, laying in the bed we were just in, with nothing but the glow from my phone. Waiting for you to give me a time and a day we can see each other again.
How many of us have decided its Michelle or one of her cronies writing in? Oh, all of us. GOT IT!
She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little stratagems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her...
The Little Prince
Final meeting
I waited outside my building in the chilly October air. As per Matthews style, he was 40 minutes late. I was wearing a thin sheer Tucker dress, thigh highs and as always my signature red lip. My outfit for the evening. He was coming to pick up the last remains of his things from the apartment. A few pieces of mail, the cork from a bottle of champagne, movie stubs I had saved from the last 4 years, a mug he purchased for me, an old t shirt and a few books. Everything was packed in a reusable bag that I had no interest in seeing again. The exchange lasted long enough for me to notice an unsavory haircut: "Appreciate it" "No problem" The end.
Out of the darkness & into the light
Because of the evidence I provided (Matthew trying to meet with me without a lawyer, Matthew admitting to trying to push me in front of a train) the case was dismissed.
I am free.
Thank you so incredibly much for all of the kind words, sticking by me without even knowing me, and keeping up with my story.
I cannot wait to never speak to him again. This time, on my own terms, and not court ordered ones.
xx, Chanell
Going to court for something my shitty ex boyfriend did is not something I thought I would be doing at the age of 21. Or like, ever.
I need help... How do you get over someone you let your guard down for and that promised you the whole world?? :(
Honestly?I don't. I think the idea of "getting over" someone is unreachable. What you need to do, is just focus on yourself. Focus on what you can be doing to better yourself. And I'm not saying you NEED to be better, you're not a shitty person. But everyone can use some kind of bettering, wether it's health, spiritual or mental. Sometimes picking up a new hobby can really boost your self-esteem. It's always good to be a "the girl that..." For example, to some people, I'm the girl that practices yoga. I'm the girl that works in the lingerie industry. I'm the girl that goes to school downtown. I'm the girl that....You see?And eventually, not immediately, but eventually you realize your life can be better with no one but yourself. And you're not going to be strong all of the time. You shouldn't expect to be strong all the time. I work full time and go to school full time. I fill my days with work, homework, the gym, shopping, talking to my parents back home, hanging out with friends. I literally fill my days. But, before I turn over in my bed to go to sleep, I say "goodnight, Beb". (A pet name Matthew and I had for each other)And just trying to detach yourself from that person. Not necessarily ignoring them if you're on good terms, because you don't want to seem bitter. But maybe not relying on them to be your constant form of entertainment. I hope this helps. If you need any advice, I'm always here. xxCeline
Releasing my real identity
As well as making my blog public to friends and everyone else by October 1st. Before I do that, I would like to clean up letters a bit... Any suggestions on what I should change? Things you want me to write about, posts you would like me to edit so they make more sense (grammatically or chronologically) or even something as simple as how to format my blog so it's easier to read? I'm completely open to suggestions. Can't wait to hear from you, Celine