Letters I'll Never Send

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Ex,

I realized today just how petty I can be.

I had a post go viral on my main blog. Thousands of reblogs. It's kinda great, kinda horrible.

One of the top five reasons it's great though?

It might make its way back to you. You might be forced to see my name over and over again and I know it'll bother you. And I enjoy that thought.

That's how fucking petty I am, in my heart.

Am I a bad person?

Maybe.

But am I striving to be a better person?

No. I'm laughing my ass off at just how low I go sometimes.

No love,

Me

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Mom,

Do you think I'm stupid?

You must. You must think I'm stupid.

When my sister contacted me asking if she could pass on my address to you so you could send me some legal papers that needed to be signed I was skeptical but willing even though you and I have been no-contact for over two years (aside from the times you've attempted contact). I was willing but knew you were going to do something fucked up.

All you sent of these legal papers was the signature page. You expect me to sign a paper without being able to read what I'm signing. Again, do you think I'm an idiot?

This could be the most innocent thing in the world or it could be something saying I'll give you everything I own - I wouldn't know; you kept the legal papers so that I can't read them.

I won't be signing your papers. Not, at least, until I get a copy and can read them for myself.

But damn. The audacity. Or maybe - maybe - this was some kind of honest mistake where what you're doing isn't a big deal and so you didn't think much of it, but that's not very smart either, is it? It's legal paperwork and you're talking to your child who you've been no-contact with for 2 years. Of COURSE I want to read the fucking thing. You're either being malicious or stupid.

In my experience it's probably both.

M

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Lorraine,

So you reached out again, about 2 weeks after randomly trying to call me on Facebook. Your message was "Are you trying to get in contact with me?" And you're so full of bullshit your hair went from blond to brown. Are your eyes still blue? I doubt it. I don't want to know.

Like I responded, I know how to get in contact with you if that were something I wanted to do. When you called 2 weeks ago I wasn't sure if you were in a healthy place so I texted my sister and asked her to check in with you since (as far as I'm aware) the two of you are still talking. She wrote back to say you were fine, and that was it. I was done.

If I never hear from you again this will have been more than I wanted. When you die I won't be at the funeral. If there's a family event that happens that I am asked to be at I'll avoid it if you're going to be there because I don't believe you will be able to do anything except make the whole thing about you, whatever it is (even, say, the funeral of a family member). I will send along condolences or congratulations or whatever's necessary, but I won't be there if there's even a chance you will be.

I don't hate you. I know it sounds like I do. I resent you. I'm angry at you. I want to forget you and walk away from you. None of that is hate. Keep trying to contact me though and it'll turn into that. Believe me, just having me walk away is so much better than allowing it to become something as vile as hatred. But keep it up and see what happens.

Stay out of my life. Stay out of my son's life. It'll be better for all of us, I promise. Don't contact me again. I'm inches from going nuclear.

-M

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

And now a couple days later one of your close friends sent me a facebook request. Watch as I roll all my eyes as hard as I ever have at these ridiculous antics.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Lorraine,

So you reached out again, about 2 weeks after randomly trying to call me on Facebook. Your message was "Are you trying to get in contact with me?" And you're so full of bullshit your hair went from blond to brown. Are your eyes still blue? I doubt it. I don't want to know.

Like I responded, I know how to get in contact with you if that were something I wanted to do. When you called 2 weeks ago I wasn't sure if you were in a healthy place so I texted my sister and asked her to check in with you since (as far as I'm aware) the two of you are still talking. She wrote back to say you were fine, and that was it. I was done.

If I never hear from you again this will have been more than I wanted. When you die I won't be at the funeral. If there's a family event that happens that I am asked to be at I'll avoid it if you're going to be there because I don't believe you will be able to do anything except make the whole thing about you, whatever it is (even, say, the funeral of a family member). I will send along condolences or congratulations or whatever's necessary, but I won't be there if there's even a chance you will be.

I don't hate you. I know it sounds like I do. I resent you. I'm angry at you. I want to forget you and walk away from you. None of that is hate. Keep trying to contact me though and it'll turn into that. Believe me, just having me walk away is so much better than allowing it to become something as vile as hatred. But keep it up and see what happens.

Stay out of my life. Stay out of my son's life. It'll be better for all of us, I promise. Don't contact me again. I'm inches from going nuclear.

-M

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Mags,

I hate that I still think about you.

I hate that you live in my mind for free and that all the square breathing, grounding techniques, and therapy can't get you out of my mind for good.

Something will come up - a YouTube short, something on reddit, a post about couples fighting on Facebook - and I'll want to scathingly say to you "And that's another thing" when really it all boils down to the same thing.

It's been over a year and a half at this point and you still live right near the front of my mind, ready to pop out and accuse me of being a terrible person because when you came at me with anger and vitriol, seeking to hurt me in your anger, I responded by leaving you to protect myself from your lashing out.

I tried several times to mend that fence but in my own terms. I kept you blocked on most things but ended up sending you a hand written letter to express my apologies for what I did wrong, then unblocked you again and again when you reached out it was with the obvious intent to hurt me. You weren't seeking to work things out or fix things, you were seeking my meek acceptance and unswerving apology for everything without discussion.

You even said as much. You stated that if I couldn't "quietly listen to what [you] had to say and then apologize and drop it all" then there was no point in talking. This was not a topic where one person was clearly in the wrong and the other was clearly in the right. We both had issues to clear up.

I wasn't wrong to cut you off. I wasn't wrong to keep you out of my life. I hate how it invaded so many other places in my world and how you're still here but I wasn't wrong.

It still sucks.

And I wish the you that lived in my head didn't.

Sincerely,

M

[only-tiktoks]

[xeansicemane]

Ya'll ever think that except for stuff like ren fairs are the only time adults get to play when the human animal never stops needing play behavior?

[death-limes]

the cultural perception that play is an inherently childish thing is one of the worst ideas to come out of modern civilization (in my very not-humble and objectively correct opinion)

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Me,

I'm invisible again. I've forgotten to focus on myself, not on others, and started becoming the Helper instead of Myself. The people I love, my friends, the people I care about: They don't see me the way I see them.

And that's okay. What it means is that I'm not focusing on me enough, that I'm thinking the only thing worthwhile is what I can do for others, not my own actions and who I am. I'm not focusing on what I want in the wider world, my own skills, my own experiences, and I need to start doing that again. I need to step back - not away, just back - and work on myself.

It'll mean saying "no" more often, reaching out and putting myself out there in a different way than I have been. It's not going to be easy - I want nothing more than to help and prove I'm worth being around because what other worth could I have?

But I have to focus on figuring out who I am, what I like, where I want to be. I need to be selfish again but in a way that means I'm still here for those I love while also focusing on me.

I'm kind of lost but I see a path forward. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready. Or at least I see how to start getting ready.

I need to stop being and feeling invisible. This isn't their fault; I just need to stop ghosting myself.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Laura,

At no time in our relationship was I ever in power or in control, even before my illness and subsequent disability. You were always in control and always made sure it stayed that way. Me getting sick was the best thing in the world for you: It put you deeper in control and gave you the outside sympathy you were desperately craving.

My anger, at the end? That was in response to your actions. That anger and my reactions were due to your specific actions, always had an exact reason, and were never out of hand no matter how you made me feel at the time. Leaving you, getting space, and learning that perspective is one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

Being back around you, your false kindness, your attempts to bring me back in to some kind of friendship, is one of the hardest things I've had to endure in a long time. Not because there's a chance that I might get sucked back in but because I have to hold back my honest reaction of anger and disgust toward you in favor of our son and his best interests.

I swear though if you "accidentally" brush against my knee or ass again I'm going to scream. Please leave me alone. Please stay away from me. Please stop trying to be my friend. You are not bringing me back into your circle and gaining me as a source again. If it weren't for him I would not have a single word to say to you ever again and wouldn't spare you a thought.

Please go away and leave me alone.

Thank you.

-Me

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Chaya,

Having your 13 year old child tell me that you wish I would burn in hell was extremely cruel to your child. They never should have been involved in your mental breakdown against me.

If I had a return message for you it would be that I wish your name would fall out of the Book of Life and be erased from time, forgotten by all, but not for what you've done to me; what you've done to those 3 children of yours (children who tell everyone who will hear them that they literally hate you behind your back) and your husband is enough for me to curse you, with using your child like this as the final straw.

You're a vile, evil, spiritually ugly woman, and while I would enjoy watching it all catch up to you (as it will), I am sorry for the hurt you and the your blowback will cause to the good people around you.

Do everyone a favor and disappear quietly.

-Me

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Good job Quill,

Running from the consequences of the choices you made the last time you ran and now the new consequences have caught up to you. The house you owned is in foreclosure. The person you lost everything over left you. You're alone thousands of miles from anyone who ever cared about you. You've pushed away everyone and anyone who would ever have helped you and acted like a spoiled brat while you did it, hurting people over and over again and then taking on the role of the victim.

It's nice to see all your chickens come to roost. I hope they bite you.

I'm still bitter. It's been well over a year at this point and the pain is still there. I'm still bitter enough that the thought of you losing your house (that I told you you shouldn't buy but you just had to) is delicious, though I worry about your mom who co-signed, without your dad knowing. Is she safe? What did your hubris do to her this time?

And Roxy? We were all waiting for that to happen. There's a whole Facebook group of dozens of people dedicated to her having ruined their lives. I found that out after you ruined everything between us - I would have told you but I was content to let you find out.

Good luck in Georgia. I hope it eats you.

(Maybe if you had tried a genuine apology and changing your behavior instead of telling me over and over that you needed me to just be okay with everything after you fucked up over and over again, I wouldn't be so bitter. You just...expected me to be okay. And not just once. So many times.)

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Ex,

I hear things are difficult right now. House being repossessed, fiancee and you broke up, a process server looking for you.

Good.

I hope you burn.

-M

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

I don't even want to hear myself whine.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Whoever,

I didn't plan to live through 2024.

The plan was to be a drama-filled bitch and go out on NYE. I had everything I needed for a painless and easy going out. I wasn't looking to call anyone for help, go inpatient, or wind up only partly dead - I was doing it. I had had the plan for several months at that point and nothing that had led me to make the plan had gotten better since making the plan. Multiple things had gotten worse.

When J called me during the day and said he needed a place to stay because he was having suicidal thoughts, that he needed to stay with someone he trusted for a day or two to help keep the thoughts away*, I packed everything away because J needed me. I watched over him into the new year and a few days beyond.

Things still haven't gotten better but for now I'm holding on because what if someone needs me again at some point. I can't help anyone if I'm not here.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Friends,

I kind of just want to disappear. It'd be so easy. There are so many ways to do it. I would never subject you to finding me; I wouldn't hurt you like that. It'd be easier to "disappear" in my house but it'd be better to actually disappear and have a stranger find me, somewhere else and just end up an unknown person found in an undisclosed place.

I don't want to exist in this world. Both because of this world we live in - it's a nightmare, have you seen it? - and because I'm just tired of existing.

My body is broken. My brain is more of a mess than it's ever been. I've worked so hard to be so much better and I am better yet I'm also so much worse off.

I love you all. You've been so good to me. And I'll never be as good to you as you have been to me. I can't be. I can't be there for you like I want to be. There's so much I want to do for you. You deserve so much; you're amazing people.

But I can't. All I can do is want. All I can do is stop taking from you, because that's all I am at this point, a person who takes. And I don't want that. I don't want to be a taker. I want to be a giver but I can't be that person and I never will be.

Four brain surgeries. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Chronic pain that never goes away. Autism. ADHD. Physical and mental disabilities that will only degenerate as I get older. Trauma and mental issues I've been working on for years that seem to only get worse as I work on them. Even the best among you see me as someone you have to take care of, not just a friend you can be around. I appreciate the help but I don't want to have to be someone who needs help, constantly, always, and yet when I'm alone I wish there were someone there to help me because I need help and it's so diminishing to live like this.

Then there's the world around us. The people in charge would love to make folks like me disappear. Take the above and add the fact that my sexual and gender identities are non-standard. It doesn't matter what they are; they don't match the "norm," so I'm a monster. My friends and loved ones have to stand up for me against the world. Again, they have to "be there" for me instead of just being there WITH me. Not to say I don't fight for these things every bit as hard but why is everything a struggle? There isn't a day that goes by that isn't a struggle unless I sleep through it.

So why can't I just have one last final sleep, somewhere where I will just disappear?

I'm not done. This is in my "letter's I'll never send." I don't know about "never." But "not right now." But I want to. I do. Desperately.

But I'm not going to.

I just had to type it out.

I had to get it out. Get it out of my head. They love me. I matter. I just hurt and I'm tired of hurting. It's never going to get better but there's good in the bad. And right now that's worth it.

For now the good is worth fighting through the bad. I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep looking for the good. I don't want you to worry, if you've read this far. Thank you for reading. I'll be okay for now. I'm not going to do it.

I want to. I've wanted to for a long time, though. But I had to get it out of my head somewhere. And this is the place where I needed to do that.

If you're struggling I hope you keep fighting too even though it's hard. To find those moments here or there. I'm proud of you for what you do when you can and where you can.

I hate that everything's a struggle and I'm struggling really hard. But I'm not going to disappear yet. I'm ready. I am. But they'd be so upset. So I'm going to keep going. For now. Until I don't. But for now. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Just plod on. Because sometimes I see a flower and it's pretty.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Atlas,

I wish I had made it a condition that if we were going to stay together you needed to continue therapy when I first considered it.

Don't get me wrong: I think it would have ended up with me having to step away from our relationship sooner because I don't think you would have done the work but I wish I would have had the guts to say "I think you need to continue to see a therapist and work on your mental health or I can't continue in our relationship."

Either you would have actually gotten some help for the conditions you yourself love to parade around as having (and use as a shield against responsibility) or I would have stepped away much sooner and ended up less hurt by the way things went in the end.

You didn't avoid therapy because there aren't good therapists in our area or because you didn't have insurance. You didn't avoid therapy because you couldn't find anyone who gelled. You just avoided therapy. If I had to guess it's because when you did have therapy the therapist dared to suggest that you take responsibility for some of the things in your life and do some work but that's just a guess from how you talked about why you stopped going.

I hope you've found someone where you are now. I hope things are better. I hope you've gotten help. Because damn you need it. For the people around you if nothing else. Not that you care a whole lot about the people around you.

Though I'll admit, because I can admit it, that that last part is me being extremely bitter.

No love,

Me

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Social Worker Cliff of Family Services,

I understand you think you know what you're talking about but unless you are actually physically and mentally disabled yourself there is a difference between working with the community and being a part of the community.

Also you can fuck all the way off with your backhanded comment about being "working poor" and "not having anything given to [you]" when I talked about how little poor disabled folks were given on SSDI.

You asked me why I was upset and when I started to answer with clear, concise examples of what you had said and done you cut me off. When I started to answer again you cut me off again. And again. When I got angry at your piss-poor treatment of me you threatened to end the session (my first and necessary to get actual help from the organization) and I was ready to call it quits but it would have been a rage quit with lots of screaming but then you did me a favor.

You yelled at me. You raised your voice.

I backed off. I literally went into my own head and a headmate came out. His name is Sergei. He speaks in a heavy Russian accent when he's not pretending to be me and he assessed the situation, deciding it would be best to NOT pretend to be me (a first, in public - it's something we usually only do around friends).

Honestly, from what I recall, Sergei's first instinct was to take our cane and use it on you but he refrained. His second instinct was to stop our shaking from the rushing adrenaline. He answered your questions tersely, in HIS voice. I think I remember seeing your confusion. You backed off. At some point you had gotten within a foot of us, getting up from your chair. I don't know why.

But Sergei handled it. Filled out the paperwork.

I didn't front again until we got home.

But you, Cliff? You can fuck ALL the way off. If I have to deal with you again I'm going to start by asking Sergei to front. Let him handle you because while I'm intimidated by white men of a certain age and build, he absolutely is not.

Meanwhile, may your crotch be infested by 1000 years of sandfleas and may everything you drink never quite satisfy your thirst.

[lettersillneversendtothevoid]

Dear Mags,

You misunderstood.

I said you had "Main Character Syndrome" not "Main Character Energy."

Big difference.

-Me