letters to my first love

-ungm

[letterstojungmin]

im forgiving myself now, i hope you’ve forgiven yourself too. I don’t mind if you don’t forgive me though, that’s okay. you have every right to dislike me now. I love you, I’m sorry.

[rankokanzaki-archive]

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Melancholy Kitchen - Kenshi Yonezu And well, just how much you’ve saved me, maybe you wouldn’t know…  If and when we meet tomorrow, I hope I can be honest then… 

[letterstojungmin]

posting from my psych class discussion board

This image is from when I first moved from South Florida to Chicago. I had lived in Florida all my life up to that point, 15 years. I believe I am 16 in the picture so it was taken about a year into living in Chicago. The picture is taken with my little sister Sofie who I believe was 3 in the image. This image makes me nostalgic and a bit sad. The sadness is because I sorta just miss how much easier life was back in high school... even though at the time I didn't think so.

At the time I was pretty depressed but it was also a time of firsts for me. I had really really really bad social anxiety from a very young age. Originally shyness but later it had developed into pretty intense social anxiety. But when I moved I was going to be a sophomore and I realized I didn't really have too much time to keep being shy and not be able to make friends either. It was a time where I did things for the first time, make friends, attempt to talk more in classes without breaking down, even hang out with people outside of school. I think these things were normal for a lot of people, but it was very hard for me. Nowadays I'm pretty good at speaking not only my mind but also out loud whenever I need to. Not going to lie, sometimes in new settings my hands do shake a bit, both from nervousness and excitement, but it's gotten a lot better.

Since this time I have grown a lot and changed a lot. I think back then change came slowly maybe even seasonally... but now I feel as if I change every week. Every week I feel like I grow and change. Sometimes its the blossoming type of change and sometimes its the harsh type of change. But overall I think I'm a lot more happier with who I am today, I'm proud of my ability to change and grow from situations and even just self reflection. During my adolescence I think I was very afraid of even small changes but now even if they scare me, I accept them because change is a part of life. Its easier to accept it and learn how to handle it than repress it or ignore it.

[romantic-suggestions]

i wish animal crossing was real so we could build on little islands and visit each other and have sleepovers under the stars and have lots of animal friends but most importantly we could finally not worry about student loans

[romantic-suggestions]

laugh over voice call again… I know the connection’s bad, but it brings me so much comfort

[in-love-suggestions]

i love laughing with you

[heartsday]

loving you has made me stronger

[letterstojungmin]

sept 22nd 2020 5.02am

I guess I want to start writing on here again more properly ? But yeah after reading through a good amount of posts last night I was like i think I want to start writing about the happy things too. I'm actually sort of tired right now and I have to wake up for class in two hours so I'll just leave a small thingy of what I want to write about later

basically tayeeba and about jun lol

I think every day I love him more and more and I don't think it's going to falter I think it's for sure I think it's for forever lol I'm really grateful

and tbh the same goes for tayeeba, everyday I'm more and more thankful to have met her and become friends with her

these are two people I hope I can always keep in my life and always protect too I love them so much

[letterstojungmin]

jeez I just read some of my old posts and realized this shit is so emo LOL like ok relax I’m actually ok I’m good and I’ve grown a lot and changed a lot I’m not as pathetic as this blog makes me seem lol but yeah I guess I come here when I do feel miserable and recently things have just been very tough so yeah but I’m good I’m happy I have really good friends now and I’m even doing well with my family for the most part and I’m proud of myself a little... it just doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I can feel terrible and alone and bad I guess?

I’m ok I found my twin flame and I’ve learned the value of platonic relationships and I’ve grown in terms of my sexuality and gender and I’ve also become kinder I realized I never wanted to lose my kindness and sincerity no matter the harshness of the world,,, I will be okay I won’t stop going anymore I won’t consider that anymore, that’s something I decided when I made it to 20 too,, things are really hard and bad rn but I’m not alone and I’m not going to lose myself over it either but yeah finding u at a time like this both warms my heart and breaks it

[letterstojungmin]

been taking my antidepressants, can’t tell if it’s making me less of a person or not all I wanna do anyways is smoke weed also get my life together but that’s proving to be really difficult I am uncomfortable in more ways than one and honestly I just want to talk to you all day but I know you’re going through a hard time too. I wish you could lean on me or I could comfort you properly instead of just asking how are you

[letterstojungmin]

ill cut whatever’s holding you back

[letterstojungmin]

I feel like I haven’t changed at all and yet I feel like I’ve changed so much all the same

[letterstojungmin]

tuesday, march 31st 2020

I still reread your letters, I know I don’t deserve to, I know it’s silly, I know it’s selfish, I’m so sorry I’m still so sorry I’m still so stupid. You were always so much smarter than me, you always said I was bright but you were so much more beautiful so much more gentle so much kinder and I’ll never stop being sorry towards you. You were so kind that even now your letters comfort me against the harshness of my parents against the harshness of the world. I try not to, I try not to think about it but when things keep getting harder I think of you, I think about how I’m still alive today because of you how many times you’ve saved me how many times you’ve protected me I reread your letters and find comfort in them, you still comfort me after so many years, I could never thank you enough for understanding me so well.

[letterstojungmin]

let’s be honest together let’s move forward together let’s grow together let’s be together

[letterstojungmin]

january 28th, 2020

maybe when spring comes, we will also bloom together

[letterstojungmin]

january 25th, 2020

hi, it’s been a while. I’m 20 now! pretty crazy. I’m 20 and I’m crying in my dorms living room lol so it almost seems like not much has changed huh? yeah... I actually haven’t been able to cry in a while so it’s a bit funny, but here I am. I guess in the end it was just a few tears too haha. The next part is just me talking to myself. I found your letters again, I kept as much as I could you know. I know it’s selfish of me. You were always so caring towards me, you always put me first. You always believed that you commit such a big sin towards me but I committed an even bigger one towards you, even if I feel sorry for my whole life it wouldn’t be enough. God I just hope and pray that you are alright, I just hope that you are alive and well, and happy. I hope so badly that you are happy and you have found someone so so much more better than me someone who accepted you without a thought. I’m so sorry,,, I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling sorry towards you either lol. Anyways yeah I got into art school, I spent two years after highschool “finding myself” or whatever and working on my portfolio and I actually got in. I’m back down south. It’s true, it’s home, even though I’m still a ways off from Florida. It’s crazy to me that I’m still alive, that I’m still growing, that I’m still meeting new friends and people and falling in love. I can’t believe I’m still alive you know ? it’s almost funny. I guess I do feel a bit like holden tonight lol. Well... I guess that’s all I really wanted to write. Maybe I’ll make an entry again. Maybe. goodnight and sleep well.

2:15-2:24 am

[letterstojungmin]

17 now and i think im sort of done with this blog. I think its better for me to write physically and stop complaining online lol