arlo didnât know why he had expected anything other than the bone crushing truth from the other woman as they aired things out in the small closet he had been stuffed into. even with her cafe for him over the years, even with the soft smiles he had gotten from her at christmas parties and when they had been relaxing, when it came to the job, he was never shown favor, he was never babied. she had taught him to expect better and to be better and yet even a small part of him had still hoped that she would tell him what to do. that she would know where he was supposed to go with that, that she could have some magic method to turning his head off. maybe he had been avoiding her so badly though was because he knew this was what he was going to get. then her eyes switched to a look of disappointment and he racked his brain for a comment that would make her mad again. arlo could take a lot, he had learnt that with everything life had thrown at him, but he wasnât sure he could take her disappointment. wasnât sure he had the heart to stand here much longer if that look was going to stay on her face. he knew that she had already done more for him that she should. he was compromised, and not just a little, he hadnât just pushed the line with his role, heâd taken a leap and fucking jump over it. he was life alteringly compromised yet he stood here when she had the power to make one call and heâd have had his ass shipped home and no doubt reprimanded or fired. as of right now, there was nothing he had done that he couldnât take back, there was no information that would have helped a bust he had helped back, nothing he had done that would mean he would land himself in hot water. everything he had done so far could be reversed, even falling in love with vivian. he could cut her off, he could make himself fall out of love with her or at the very least he could put enough distance between them that it wasnât an issue. even with all the work he had put in, he could ask to be pulled and they would. theyâd take him out and start again rather than risk losing one of their own. he just wasnât sure if he wanted them too. he wasnât sure that wearing that vest, FBI, branded on his chest was worth more than what he had found. âmatty, what if i make the wrong one?â and he wasnât sure which way he was talking about. what would hurt more? losing vivian and keeping his integrity, or staying with the unfazed and losing his pride? would it even be worth it, because if he was on the wrong side when that inevitable bust went down, it could end up all being for nothing anyway. âi donât know how iâm supposed to stop loving her. how iâm supposed to stop caring. how do you do it? how are you not attatched to them matty?âÂ
she wouldâve liked to have a solution for him. offer him a pre-packaged way out of this and somehow allow him to come out of this not unscathed but still himself â and salvage that part of him that loved so hopelessly, because as much as it was endangering him now, she knew that part was what made him a good agent. she, however, could not. in her lifelong quest for truth, matt had held onto her ideals with blind passion, and the love for her job (as difficult, as tricky, as humiliating as it got to be at times) had come first so often that it had taken over her marriage, too. she couldnât wish for arlo to make the same mistakes, but she couldnât understand why heâd even consider the option to not put the bureau first â she was tired, exhausted about this. it looked as though heâd made up his mind already, and not a word sheâd say would be able to change the way he felt about the operation, about the gang, about the girl. sighing in exhaustion, matt took her seat on the bed, elbows resting against her knees and head hanging low, tired. when she spoke again, her eyes were sad: right into his, honest. âdo you think i donât have any feelings for them? do you think i donât care?â. sheâd grown far more attached than sheâd have wanted. sheâd grown closer to johnny than sheâd ever let herself with anyone, and if in the beginning it had been an instinctive response, her responding to the name of the brother sheâd lost, it had become a sort of fabricated loyalty she still struggled to put into the perspective of her role. sheâd grown to like far too many of her club mates â at times sheâd found herself looking out for them not just for the sake of the case, but because harm that would come to her would reflect on her, too. she could understand how easy it had been for arlo to set aside the reasoning for his presence in the unfazed and grow much closer than he should have with this girl. she got it â that wasnât the point. the point was, he was willing to sacrifice everything theyâd worked towards for her. âi care, arlo. i do. but i know thereâs a lot more at stake hereâ. a sudden turn of her mood drew anger back in her features, raising her voice just a little bit higher. âtell me, what do you plan to do? leave the bureau, marry this girl, start a family? is that what you wanna do? because if so, i need to ask you ââ in speaking she stood up again, eyes never once leaving his. ââ why the fuck did you join the bureau in the first place? you either had a calling or you had an ideal, and if you fuck this up, arlo, i swear youâll have proved you had neither: and that means you have no moral dignity, either.â