The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Furlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, mostly pre-canon, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault, death.
Author's Note
This story is purely self-indulgent. And it has stemmed from my desire of Levi being doted over, taken care of, and being supported and loved through all the tough times.
This is a Levi x OC story, but I have tried to keep my OC as relatable as possible.
My OC is a civilian, and she's not super pretty and this is not going to be a love at first sight kinda story. It's a slow burn and the build-up is going to be long. She's shorter than Levi, and she is fair (canonically everyone in paradise is of caucasian descent). And I'll mention her eye color in a future chapter, but that is all.
Her body type, hair, nose shape, etc, are left open for imagination. So feel free to imagine yourself as her if things fit right!
The story starts just after Levi has lost Isabel and Farlan, so his age would be around 27. And by the time Trost gets attacked he'll be 32.
There are going to be frequent time skips (usually one-month gaps) because I'm only going to pen down events that actually progress the relationship. So do check out the date in the start of the chapter.
Also, I already have the first 12 chapters ready by now. So I'll be posting them regularly, every Sunday. Thanks to @someonestolemyshoes for proofreading and helping me with this fic.
You can message me if you want to be a part of the taglist!
AO3 | Wattpad | Playlist | Other works
Table of Contents:
Chapter One
Cookies on 25th of December | WC-4.7K
Chapter Two
Blood, Sweat, and Scattered Pages | WC-5.5k
Chapter Three
Social customs and cravats | WC-4.0k
Chapter Four
Lost innocence | WC-5.3k
Chapter Five
Olive Cloaks and Helpless Eyes | WC-6.5k
Chapter Six
New Moon Night | 4.9k
Chapter Seven
Cleaning Party | 5.1k
Chapter Eight
A Fight and a Fall | 6.6k
Chapter Nine
The Beginning of Something New | 5.5k
Chapter Ten
A Mess of a Mind | 5.1k
Chapter Eleven
Proposal | 4.2k
Chapter Twelve
Broken Tea Cups | 4.2k
Chapter Thirteen
Silent Rains | 5.4k
Chapter Fourteen
Hopeless Fools | 5.6k
Chapter Fifteen
All that is lost | 9.9k
Chapter Sixteen
Sun Rise | 6.0k
Chapter Seventeen
The Ocean in between | 4.6k
Chapter Eighteen
Stand Still | 4.0k
Chapter Nineteen
Tangled Threads | 6.3k
Chapter Twenty
Through the Storm | 6.3k
Chapter Twenty One
Carnival of Life | 5.1k
Chapter Twenty Two
Lovesick | 3.9k
Chapter Twenty Three
Sanctuary | 4.9k
Chapter Twenty Four
Fracture | 6.2k
Chapter Twenty Five
1 step forward, 3 steps back | 4.0k
@LEVIS-COFFEECUP 2022. Do not copy, repost, or translate any of my works without permission.
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
OMG hiii guysss!
Can't believe that this is the last chapter!! There's so much gratitude in my heart right now. This has been a long long (irregular🤡) ride, and I'm grateful to everyone who's sticked around!
I've tried my best to write an amazing chapter since its the last, which is why this got so delayed. (And I might also have been overworked to the core at work lol ) But there's going to be a long ass note at the the end of the chapter about everything!
Song for the final chapter is by Turning Page by Sleeping at Last!
I hope you enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
It’s an hour past 12, and Levi sits on his balcony looking at the midnight sky.
The thick veil of pollution prevents the stars from being visible. Instead there's street lights and high beams from cars, twinkling on the ground.
He misses the stars from Paradis. It was the first thing he fell in love with once he came to the surface. And he wonders, whether Mae is looking at the stars and thinking of him as well?
The world outside the walls is beautiful.
There are soaring cathedrals that almost reach the sky, and beautiful temples with the most intricate architecture. There’s snow capped mountains and beautiful cherry blossoms. And everyday, from his tiny balcony, he gets to see the sun sink below the sharp silhouette of the towers.
He’s getting to experience the world his comrades died for.
But as beautiful the outside world is, it isn’t home
The development of technology seems unfamiliar. And the people around him haven’t lived their entire lives caged in fear. These people don’t know the cost of freedom.
It has been so long since he’s been back home.
It’s been so long since the Rumbling too.
The earth was left razen. Mountains crumbled to dust and forests burnt to ashes. Countries had simply been wiped off the face of the earth. Years of civilization and developmentsnuffed out in an instant, with no one to record their names.
But against the odds, humanity managed to survive. Traumatized and beaten, but still alive.
Miraculously Levi made it too.
Jean and Connie found him half dead, on the foot of Fort Salta. He was lapsing in and out of consciousness. Devoid of the strength to even stand up.
Tents were made into makeshift hospitals, food was meager. And his first few months were spent on a wooden cot,bed ridden with the stinging pain of his knee and his yearning for Mae.
He yearned to see her when he was trapped with Zeke for a month, he yearned to see her when he woke up with searing pain and bandages all over his face. And now the war was over, but he couldn’t get back to her.
The Rumbling destroyed everything humanity had ever strived for. Rail tracks, roads, ports, farms… everything was abolished as an aftermath.
It was impossible to get to the other side of the world.
Gradually Levi recovered, it took him almost a year. But his strength never returned. The tiniest task would turn him breathless, and the sight in his right eye was gone for good.
The doctors diagnosed him a plethora of health problems. And he was never allowed to look weak, but now he was in a wheelchair, needing help to pick things up from the floor. Life dealt him one blow after another.
Armin, Jean and Connie became busy, making peace with the remaining nations. Mikasa never returned. And Levi found himself, all alone. With a chaotic mind, and too much time on his hands.
Soon the Allied Nations rescued all the survivors from the Titan Waste Lands. Marley was no more, so most refugees ended up taking asylum in Hizuru.
And by the courtesy of Kiyomi Azumabito, Levi was gifted an apartment in the center of the city hall, and citizenship. A tiny apartment in between a lush square, in the city center.
It was tiny, but homely enough. And he would love sitting on the balcony and watching the outside world.
Life got more comfortable and Levi got to see the sights his comrades died for.
But there were still days where he barely had enough strength to pick his remaining fingers. Those days were the worst. And he felt like the walls of his apartment would swallow him up.
The purpose of his life was over. Hange was gone. Erwin was gone. Life came crashing down.
And sometimes, under the flicker of a candlelight, at his tiny desk, he would close his eyes, and imagine that he’s back in Mae’s old house. Learning the alphabet, listening to the soft scratches of her pen as she corrected his writings. It seemed like lifetimes had passed since then.
Mae was always with him, through all his hurdles he faced on the surface. And now he had to face an awfully big one, without her.
So he decided he’ll start to learn writing again. With two fingers of his right hand gone, he had to re-learn how to hold a pen again. He told Onyaknapon to get him books, so he could trace over letters, trying to perfect every curve. Just the way Mae had taught him.
It gave him a sense of purpose, and it also made him feel close to her in some way.
It took three years for the Yeagerists to finally agree to a cordial discussion with the Alliance. Historia sent letters to everyone. And this morning the Alliance left, back to their hometown.
Armin did extend an invitation to him too. But Levi didn’t want to be associated with the world anymore. He didn’t have the strength for it nor the will. His job was done.
“Captain,” A voice pulls him out of his thoughts. Behind him is a sliding door that leads to his room. And on the bed sits Onyakapon.
He points at the three thick journals that take up most of his space in his briefcase.“Are you sure you want to take these back?”
And Levi contemplates. Paper doesn’t spoil, and he should rather carry some spare clothes to keep himself clean.
“Leave the journals there.” His voice comes out gruff, and then it turns wispy. Everything he’s ever felt in these years without her and his limbs, is penned in these flimsy sheets of paper.
“It’s letters I have written to her.” There is no need to clarify. There’s no need to carry his journals all the way back either. But he does it either way. The war has changed him. And Levi realises he doesn’t have to torture himself anymore.
“I’m surprised you never got her to meet us.” Onyakapon smirks. He could have never guessed the captain had a lover.
And a faint smile appears on Levi’s lips as the curve of her smile plays on his mind. He wonders if she found the pearl ring and his letter. He never found the courage to directly hand it to her.
It’s been three years. Three long painful years. Perhaps, she’s forgotten all about him.
“Tch, as if I’ll let you filths near her.” He brushes his feelings off. Masking his thoughts with harsher words. Some things truly never change.
A flight passes over his head, he’ll probably sit in the next one.
“I hope everything is safe out there, hope there’s no hostility.” Onyakapon mumbles as he closes the briefcase.
And Levi gets off from his wheelchair, limping towards his bedpost. “No harm from a guy in a wheelchair.” He tries to joke, but there’s a prick in his heart.
He can’t pick things from the shelf. Some Days he also needed help to get to the toilet. And even though he’s returning back to Mae, there’s nothing he can do for her now.
And while happiness was never a part of his destiny. He hopes she’s happy. At least one of them must be.
“Well if things are bad, you can always come back here captain.” Onyakapon’s voice cuts through the constant torture of his thoughts.
The words bring him enough solace to take him through the night. A rare smile tugs on his lips. “Thanks Onyakapon.”
It’s going to be a long trip.
_________________________
It’s 10 am, and it’s sweltering hot in Mitras. Sweat clings to Levi’s skin, and he wipes it off with the back of his hand.
His briefcase sits on his lap. And he pushes his wheelchair through the dirt road,
Vast meadows stretch in front of him. The air is fresh, and a plethora of apple trees border the sides of the road. Its shade is very welcome in the sun.
Farmhouses are scattered at a distance, crops grow in structured rows. And Levi taps his heel, as he moves past them mindlessly. His thoughts are only set on one.
Historia told him Mae’s house was at the end of the apple plantation. Luckily the terrain is flat, and he’s able to maneuver his wheelchair with ease.
Nonetheless, it’s been a tiring ride.
The royal guards did offer to escort him to Mae’s house, but he declined the offer. The moment approaching was too personal to share with a bunch of strangers.
Soon, what he’s searching for comes to vision, and eagerly he moves forward.
100 meters away from him, down the mud path, is a humble home. Its stone walls are smooth, worn out by time. And the roof is thatched with wood and straws.
There’s a small garden at the front, with saplings that are beginning to sprout. And a few meters away from it all is a park. The sight of which bubbles a bittersweet feeling in Levi's chest.
“This is it.” He exhales, cherishing the cold air on his lips. It’s a breath that he’s been holding in for too long. A yearning that has been living in his heart for years now.
His mind jogs back to a small trip they took 5 years back, on Mae’s birthday. She had booked a small cabin nestled in the middle of farmland.
He still remembers the smile on her face, and the way her eyes crinkled in the sunlight.
Her hair flowed in the wind, and he thoughtlessly followed it. Too enamored by the happiness she radiated.
The birds sang, and the lillies seemed to beam.
Stories were told by the fireplace, and they would stargaze from the flower field. Cuddling under the sheets of the stiff bed, and eating lunch under a tree's shade.
She laughed, then he smiled. And for a fleeting moment, Levi had escaped from all his responsibilities.
He realized he could spend his entire life this way, under the shadow of the sun, and the warmth of their love. He couldn’t care less about saving the world, or his tea shop even…
He just wanted to be here with her.
Forever.
But time stopped for no one. And Levi’s prayers had a habit of going unheard.
And now, 5 years later, life has brought him here again. In a secluded countryside so full of beauty and peace, and so unlike him.
This is the kind of life Mae had always wanted to live. Away from the bustle of the city, where she could spend countless hours looking at the stars.
The door to her house softly clicks. And Levi leans forward, with his breath caught in his throat.
He has felt her caress in the warmth of the sunlight. He’s heard the faint echo of her laughter in the rustling of the leaves. Every breath, every movement, was just in the hopes that he’d get to see her again.
Seasons passed by like shadows, and now finally he’s finally here, moments away from her. The journey has been staggeringly hard.
Time passes at a lumbering pace, and Levi feels like he can almost hear the creaking of the door, as it gets swinged open.
Out steps a man with a basket in his hand. He’s well built and tall, and donned in a casual attire.
And Levi’s heart drops to the floor as a sickening feeling of jealousy takes over. All of a sudden the blood is thunderous in his ears.
He feels like he can’t breathe And his heart burns at the thought that her gentle smile turns to a man who isn’t him.
A moment later, a toddler comes out, chasing behind the man.
And Levi clutches the sides of his wheelchair so tight, that his knuckles turn white.
Fuck
He feels like he’ll vomit.
Like salt to his wounds, the man picks up the child. And she smiles so bright, he can see her sweet giggle, even though it's barely audible in the distance.
The man kisses the toddler’s cheeks, and takes her to the park. And Levi watches the scene with a sting in his eye.
He was her lover once but now he's a mere bystander. A powerless man who can do nothing but just watch. The realization is like a punch to his gut, and a bittersweet memory comes to Levi’s mind.
On their last night in the cabin, he told Mae he didn’t have the time to get her a birthday present. And then she shed a silent tear, telling him how she felt like she’s carrying the entire relationship.
It wasn’t too far from the truth. He had too much on his mind as a soldier. And life was not easy when the weight of humanity rested on your shoulder. Some days he didn’t even have the time to think of her.
And Levi knew he was being selfish by keeping her chained to him, but his heart didn’t know a way of living without her.
He asked what he could do to make it up to her, and she asked him to run away to a peaceful place.
All she had ever wanted was to stay next to him.
The decision was clear in his head then, but now he wonders if he should have just eloped with her… It's not like all the wars he’s fought have turned this world into an ideal place.
The impermanence of life… It’s something that he still can’t comprehend.
What is born shall die, what has started shall end. People come and go out at their own pace. The good moments turn stale, and eventually everyone ends up alone, with only memories to comfort them. Time is truly a fickle piece of shit.
The man places the toddler on the swing, before he heads the other way. And Levi gets consumed by his thoughts.
He had people who he once held close too. Erwin, Hange, Isabel, Farlan. But they left.
He wasn’t prepared for their deaths, but somehow he made his peace with it.
But he's not ready to let Mae go yet.
Not when her name is etched in the depths of his heart. Not when her thoughts have troubled him day and night. His heart yearns for her so deep, it doesn’t know another way of living.
It was supposed to be his kid, she was supposed to be his wife. He wanted to start his tea shop too. Life just had some other plans after all.
There were days when he didn’t have the strength to get out of his makeshift bed, there were days where his injuries hurt so much, he thought he’d prefer death over the pain of living like this. But he pushed and pushed.
Because at the end of this tunnel, he saw her.
The sweet end of his tiresome journey, The reward for his unyielding perseverance. His home after years of loneliness.
But it’s been three years now. And she’s not his anymore.
A part of him wants to throttle this man, for laying his hands on her. And a part of him wants to hate on her too. But it isn’t her fault as well.
His heart has been placed in the palm of her hand for far too long. And if she decides to break it, then he’ll just have to disseminate.
He guesses he’ll just have to live with the weight of being all alone.
The silence consumes,
And Levi taps his heel in frustration.
Time passes by painfully slowly. And one minute turns into fifteen.
The man and toddler are long gone now, but Levi still continues to bleed on the edge of his seat. He continues to sweat in the heat. Too nervous to move forward, yet too regretful to turn away.
Old habits die hard, he guesses.
The strength to move forward wanes from his body and every breath he takes only shatters his composure into pieces. He never thought he’d have to taste defeat, after winning over the entire world.
There’s some shuffling in the woods, and he swivels around aghast. His reflexes are not as sharp as he used to be. And he’s too exhausted to put on the act of a stone cold person.
He tries honing on the sound of movement but what use would that even be?
Back in the day he had the strength to beat any person to a pulp. But now with his crippled leg, he’s more of a burden, than a lover.
His hands trace back to his scars, a habit he has recently developed. And insecurity floods his mind.
He feels stupid pondering over something as trivial as his appearance. He wouldn’t even pay it a thought when he was in the Survey Corps. But he’s on the way to meet the love of his life and there’s these scars on his face that make him look fucking hideous.
The pit he's falling into is not unfamiliar. It’s something that bothers him everytime he looks into the mirror.
And in the haze of his insecurities. A sweet voice finds him.
“Dadd-a?”
He gasps, slowly turning towards the voice.
A little girl peeks at him from behind a tree trunk. He can’t see much of her, as she’s a few feet away, partly covered between the dense layers of trees. But he recognises her as the same child, who stepped out of Mae’s house a few moments ago.
The silence stretches, and she continues looking at him. With her eyes all wide and beaming. And Levi sighs, not knowing how to react.
He decides he doesn’t have it in him to see Mae or her happy family. He’ll just come back another day, when his heart hurts a little less.
And so he turns his wheelchair around, almost taking a U turn. But the same innocent voice stops him again.
“Dadd-a,” the girl squeals, and her tiny shoes squeak as she waddles towards him.
And Levi feels stumped, when she wraps her tiny body around his leg.
He’s always been quick to react to situations, but now he’s frozen.
He wonders why this little girl is hugging his leg, and how she’s not scared of how scary he looks with the huge scars on his face.
And as much bitterness his heart holds at the cruel turn of fate, her purity washes it away. Slowly, gently, deliberately. His features soften, and he decides the least he can do is drop her back home to safety.
He huffs, bending down to pick her up. And as he lifts her up by her armpits, his eyes are met with the same shade of silver.
Her skin is pale, papery white in complexion and her hair is the same shade of midnight black as his. Everything from the shape of her face to the shade of her lips comes from him. And there’s also a little cravat tucked inside her red polka dot dress.
“Daddaaa,” she chimes as if she recognizes him.
And a shuddered breath escapes his lips. Her smile… It comes from Mae.
She is his. Theirs. A part of him and a part of Mae.
And Levi has faced strong emotions before. He’s had his stomach churn with anxiety, and he’s had his heart overrun with grief and loss. He’s always anticipated all the things that could happen in his future, trudged every moment with caution. But no amount of preparedness could prepare him for the moment in front of him.
His hands tremble, as he puts her down on the floor. He’s a father now… he’s been a father for the past 3 years. It's too much to process. And his heart beats so fast in his chest, he’s afraid it will break out of his ribs.
“Lilly, Lilly,” A familiar voice cuts through the moment and his heart skips a beat.
“How many times have I told you not to-” Mae steps out of the trees, panting and worried. But the sight in front of her makes the words on her tongue scurry away.
Levi is a few meters away from her, in a wheelchair with 2 long scars running down his face, just the way the Queen had foreseen in the paths.
Everyday, she has stared at this road for countless hours, waiting for him to show up. It feels like she’s waited a lifetime to see him again.
The years of separation pass by her eyes.
Countless nights were spent crying into his shirt and every breath felt like a burden.
Everyone was ecstatic about the liberation of their island. And Mae was condemned to be alone, with her dwindling will to live.
Then she met Samuel and Claus, the soldiers who showed empathy to her, in a world that had become too hostile for anyone who supported the alliance.
They took her to the Queen, and the Queen recognised her instantly, as the doctor who helped when Trost was breached.
And as a Survey Corps Soldier who was once a part of the Levi’s squad, the Queen made it her mission to protect and provide for the ones who were close to the Alliance.
That’s when Mae moved into the peaceful countryside, with Jean and Connie’s mom.
Living with people who dealt with the same grief surely gave some solace, but life was still painful. And in the midst of her pain, like a beam of light into stark darkness, her baby came into this world.
And Mae never thought she’d get to see Levi’s eyes again, but they were right in front of her. Resting so peacefully against her chest.
That night she cried tears of gratitude. Life crashed into her as peacefully as it could.
“Mama mama, dadd-a has come back,” Her daughter squeals, with her tiny finger pointing towards Levi. Her grasp on her leg is still tight, and her eyes sparkle with joy.
And Mae tries to smile, but it gets dissolved in the trail of her tears.
This moment has haunted her every second, wrecked her entire being. And as she steps closer to the dream of Levi she’s had, every night since she was pregnant, the details of him come to life.
Her eyes follow the strong curve of his jaw, chiseled as if it has been carved by an artist. The ridge of his nose is sharp as always and his thin eyebrows are slightly disheveled.
She caresses him with her gaze, before her touch can even come close.
Two different Levi’s look back at her now. On the left, his face is marred, with two long scars running down his face. He is hurt and hidden away. And she can never see him through his cloudy iris.
But in his other eye, there are flecks of hope. The black of his pupil has expanded, and his iris shines blue in the sunrays. He wears his heart on his sleeve, Mae swears she has never seen him this vulnerable before.
And she might have lived without him for 3 years, but he has lived inside her every second, in her every thought. Her hand extends towards him out of deprivation.
Life hasn’t been the kindest to her.
But when the pads of her fingers reach the hollow of his cheek, her heart steadies itself. Whenever her eyes met his orbs , her ears met his voice, and her body met his touch. His familiarity always envelopes her. As if the hearth of a warm house, always welcoming and open.
Her hands reach to his lips, the shape of which she can trace on paper, even with her eyes shut close.
And Levi closes his eyes in alleviation.
There’s a search for words. Words for the longing, words for the separation.
And Mae shudders, as the pads of her fingers skim over his skin. They trace over his scars, the old and the new. From the top of his forehead, down to the edge of his chin. From the curve of his necks down the length of his arms.
Three years have passed by, but his features are still as strong.
Her caress reaches the end of his arm, and her fingers find the indents of his knuckles. Gingerly she takes his palm into hers,
And Levi is quick to wrap the 3 fingers that remain on his hand, around her.
Her touch feels both foreign and achingly familiar. He has craved this so much.
Mae’s eyes widen at the gesture, heavy with tears. And she kisses the spot where his 2 fingers once used to be. Levi is as real as ever, she can feel every divot of his skin against her lips.
The realization breaks her, and she drops to the floor. With her head on his lap, and her arms sprawled all over his thighs.
There’s disbelief, there’s elation. The feeling can never be put into words. Her shoulders wilt, heavy with the pain of separation, and she cries into his lap.
“I missed you… You weren’t there.” Her voice is muffled against his skin. “I thought I’d never see you again.” Her sobs pierce through the quiet of the farmland.
And he stares wide eyed, biting back his tears as well.
The pain she has carried with her all these years, is right in front of him. Laced into the heavy sobs that rake through her frame.
And Levi knows he should pick her up and kiss the shit of her, but he’s frozen. For his gaze is stuck on the familiar pearl ring that rests on her ring finger.
Words fail him, and his heart spasms in his chest. “D-did y-you ? He can only stutter, as his touch lingers over the pearl. ”A-after all this time?”
The question hangs in the air, but the answer is right in front of him. In the grief that occupies her heart, in the love that still brims in her eyes. And in the tiny girl who looks exactly like him.
It feels like all the sacrifices he’s made in life have finally come to fruition. His directionless quest has finally found its destination. His exhausted soul has found its shelter.
There’s such mercy in this moment, all he can do is shudder and let out an exhale. Maybe in exhaustion, maybe in fulfillment.
And Mae looks up at him, her eyes tinged red with tears. “I was only going to wait one more year, good that you came back in time.”
He puts his hand on her head, and her body trembles beneath his touch. All the grief she has held onto for so long, slows paroles in the form of her tears.
The scene is as heartbreaking, as it is rewarding.
“Ma-ma,” Lilly babbles, her voice as bright as sunlight cutting through storm clouds. And Levi looks at her as she tries to fit herself in the space between Mae’s hunched frame and his legs.
She settles into Mae’s lap, and Mae is forced to look into her eyes full of wonder.
“Mama…” she coos, and her tiny hands wipe the fat tears that roll down Mae’s face.” Dad-da’s back, don-t be sad.”
And Mae smiles at that, certainly she takes a lot from her father.
“You’re right, my love…let’s take Dada home shall we?” Her voice turns gentler, and she gets up with Lily in her arms.
“Levi?” Mae questions, gesturing towards his lap.
And Levi hesitates, a little too afraid that he’s too scary for the delicate human being.
“You’ll be a great father, don’t worry.”
The second time he looks at her, he knows he’s doomed. Her cheeks are round and full, as if there’s food stuffed inside them. And her eyes are just like his, but there’s a brightness in them that he never had.
She settles on his lap. And as he wraps his arms around her waist, she places her tiny palms on his scarred forearms. And Levi realizes there is nothing he wouldn’t do for this tiny person that he’s just met a few moments ago.
His heart feels full of love.
Mae starts pushing his wheelchair forward. And he closes his eyes, as he feels the wind against his face. It’s a moment that makes him feel grateful to be alive.
In a span of a few minutes, they’re already outside the veranda to her house. And Levi can smell the Lavender she has planted in the front garden.
“It’s not a big house but it’s enough. I stay here with Jean and Connie’s mom… Luckily for us though, they’ve gone to Trost for a bit.” Mae speaks, as she picks Lily from Levi’s lap, and places her inside the house.
“It’s a very sweet place though. All the farmers staying around often visit. It’s like a big family. Borris was here too, half an hour back. You might have seen him…he wanted to take some cookies for his son.”
“Ahh,’ Levi drawls, as if he didn’t spend fifteen minutes hating on that man. “I don’t think I saw him.”
She takes his briefcase in one hand, and hooks her other arm around his waist. Slowly helping him up the short flight of stairs. And he wants to do nothing, but melt in her embrace
“I can walk for a few minutes.” Her murmurs, almost embarrassed.
“You’re not walking anywhere until I check your leg myself.” She reprimands, but the softness in her eyes contradicts her strict tone.
As it turns out, Mae’s house is very much a home.
The interior is simple and modest. There’s a couch, two wooden chairs and a table in the front room. The wooden floor creaks as he steps in. And the walls are filled with the crayon marks.
“I’ll get your wheelchair inside.” Mae mumbles as she seats Levi on the couch.
And when Mae comes back in again, Lilly has already managed to climb on the couch. She’s standing on Levi’s lap with her hands on his cheeks. The faintest of smiles plays on Levi’s lips, and he holds her by the waist, making sure she doesn’t lose balance.
The sight makes Mae’s heart swell. Her entire world is now in front of her. Her heart feels so full and so heavy at the same time. And her eyes turn misty again.
“Oi oi, don’t start with all the crying again?” Levi mutters as he notices her standing by the door.
And Mae sniffs, overwhelmed. “I’ll make you some tea?”
“Yaa- Da-dda love teaaa.” Lilly squeals, before Levi can even respond to Mae.
And Mae smiles. Her family is finally complete... a few years back she would have never believed she’d get the privilege of experiencing this.
And just as she’s about to turn towards the kitchen, Levi stops her.
“Mae…” His voice drawls, and he pats the spot next to him. “Tea can wait.”
_________________________
The world outside fades into a quiet hum as the bustle of the morning stretches into the lull of the afternoon.
The sun has draped itself over the earth, like a soft blanket. And Levi rests on the bed. He’s just finished his lunch, and he allows himself to sink into the mattress.
Time seems to have been caught in the gentle sway of the trees, and Levi takes his sweet time looking at the things around him.
Lily's soft toys are stacked on top of the cupboard. And there's a wooden cabinet, filled with all of Mae's favorite books.
The curtains are made of colorful crocheted patchwork. And somehow Mae has managed to bring most of her things from her house in Trost here.
But it's not just that. Levi's stuff is here too.
There’s a cupboard next to Mae with his clothes folded and organized just the way he likes it. His favorite novels and teacups are kept in a separate cabinet. And right in front of the bed, there's a wall with paintings of the three of them together.
It feels like nothing has changed, like he was never away.
And everytime he closes his eyes, his heart begins to race. But for the first time, the adrenaline that flows through him isn’t nerve-racking. It feels exciting
The curtains above his head billow softly with the wind. A mild breeze enters the bedroom and Levi tilts his face to bask in its warmth.
His whole world now lies in his arms. Snoring peacefully, with her hand wrapped around his finger. She's so tiny, that all of her body fits on his torso.
And he lets out a sigh as he feels the subtle rise of her tiny chest against his own.
“Are you not able to sleep, because all of a sudden there’s a child on your chest, and you don’t know where she came from?” Mae steps into the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.
“I can clearly tell where she comes from.” Levi comments as he looks at his dear daughter. “Is this why you were crying so much the day I was leaving for Marley?”
“Mhmm… “ Mae nods, as she rests her back against the door. And Levi closes his eyes, listening to her voice.
“You had to save the world Levi, you had to give it your all. And you would have died hating yourself if you knew you had a child coming into the world, that you weren’t going to be there for… As much as I was dying to tell you about my pregnancy, I thought it was best to keep it from you…” It’s an uncomfortable topic that defines the rest of their future, Mae’s eyes fall to the ground.
If only she would look up, she would see Levi with the faintest of smiles, thinking of how he can actually see her instead of imagining her.
“I know a child was never something you wanted… So I understand how complicated this situation can be for you.” Mae goes on and Levi lays still with his eyes shut in contentment, hoping for time to slow down.
“What?” She gasps, finally looking up at him. “Say something? I’ll never know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell me about it.”
Finally his eyes flutter open, and he looks at her through the curtain of his lashes. A faint smile plays on his lips, and his cheeks turn pink as he stretches out his other hand towards her. “Come here.”
In an instant, her features soften, turning into one of relief. And she smiles as makes her way to him.
She rests her head on his shoulder.And he drinks in every detail. As if he’s a parched man, dying of thirst. His heart pounds in his chest, and then his gaze falls towards her lips.
It doesn’t take too long for their lips to fuse together. It’s a simple kiss, but it’s been years.
They part in bliss.
And Levi brings her hands to his lips, pressing a doting kiss on her skin. She’s his to keep, his to salvage.He can’t put his gratitude into words.
“Thank you.” His voice is heavy. “ I-I…” He wants to tell her how happy he is to be next to her. He wants to tell her how exhausting it was without her. And that he can’t believe she’s all his. He wants to tell her about all the letters he’s written to her. But his heart is lodged so deep in his throat that he can’t squeak out the words he desperately wants to say.
“Rest my love.” She keeps her thumb on his lip, tracing his bottom lip. “We have time.”
His eyes flutter shut at her words, and her hand reaches to the top of his head. She starts combing out the hair that falls on his forehead.
His old scars have faded, almost blending into his skin. And the hard muscles on his chest have been replaced with soft dimpled skin. The lines in the corner of her eyes run deep.
He’s softer now. Marked by age, but just as beautiful.
Her finger traces down his cheek, following the scar that runs across his face. The feeling of his skin dipping under her fingers almost feels overwhelming.
“Levi,” she calls, caressing the side of his face. And he responds by leaning into her touch.
“I can’t believe you’re real,” She murmurs.
The silence is blissful.
And Levi feels his heart flutter, just like it did when she held his hand for the first time.
“Mae…” his voice trails off and he gulps. “How did Lily recognise me?... It feels like she knows so much about me?”
And Mae tilts her head up. “She’s heard stories about you ever since she was in my womb, of course she knows a lot about you… We even got someone to draw a portrait of you last year, because she wanted to see you for her birthday.”
“She thinks you’re some kind of hero Levi.” Mae yawns, “A few months back, she was trying to eat food by herself, and she ended up making a mess… which was fine because she was just learning, but she started crying frantically, and I asked her what happened? She said Dada wouldn’t like her, because she made a mess and Dada hates messes.”
Mae’s eyes trail to the way her daughter sleeps, with her cheek squished against Levi’s chest, and her eyes are shut close in peace. “She thinks you’re some kind of hero.”
And Levi remains silent. Afraid the words will ruin the tender moment.
It might seem like he’s dozed off, but the pink crawling on his cheek tells otherwise.
And Mae looks at him with the softest of smiles. For the first time in a long while, her heart feels complete.
“Actually she is right… you are a hero.” She mumbles as she closes her eyes in peace.
And a single tear slips past his eye.
He’s finally home.
Thoughts? Thoughts? Thoughts?
I know its a very simple, cliche, happily ever after ending, but I really REALLY wanted Levi to have a family of his own, and experience a normal, happy life, which is why I made Mae pregnant lol.
To anyone who has made this far. I would love to know your thoughts on the entire story. Things you liked, didn't like. Your feedback is crucial.
I'm going to start editing this fic from now on, and whatever you say will be considered. So I would love to know your thoughts on what could get better and be improved.
Something else, I'm very excited about is designing and illustrating a book cover (since I am a graphic designer lol) and get a few hardcopies printed for myself!! I'm assuming I'll be done with it by DEC 25th, so right now I do plan to post an Epilogue/ bonus chapter and share the book cover designs on Dec 25th. (I don;t know if anyone is interested in this, but I'm just doing it for myself hehe)
I would like to thank the many people who have been a constant support while writing this. I don't think I can tag everyone since they are on different platforms, so I'll just mention their names here. @Alexandra218943 , Cupidcup, @musumusuhasi and Abha , I wouldn't have completed this without you, so thank you <3
And to all the people who have commented, and interacted with the story at any point. I want to let you know that I've had a shit month at work, my self esteem has been at an all time low , and the only thing that's made me feel capable of something are your comments, and I keep going back to them! So thank you for that, I am immensely grateful!
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hiii guyssss,
This is the last chapter of the storyyy! And I can't wait for you guys to read it! (it's so hard to believe that I've finally completed this)
To everyone who's continued to put up with my erratic updates, I am so so grateful to have you here!! I hope this story was as enjoyable for you to read, as much as I enjoyed writing it!
This chapter takes place after the Rumbling, (aftermath refers to the aftermath of the Rumbling)
I hope you like this chapter as well! And this ending gives you all the feels lol!
Song for this chapter is The Joys And Sorrows Of Life by Johannes Bornlöf
The city of Jinae looks different without the walls.
The sun is scorching, and the streets are a blur of the heat waves rising from the cobblestone. And somewhere in the distance, someone argues about the morality of the Rumbling.
Mae is tired, maybe it's the afternoon heat, or maybe it's just the baby in her tummy that has made her womb so big. She drags her feet through the alleys of the market, wiping the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand.
The produce looks fresh, excellent for the apple pie she's planning to make.
Raz trails behind her too, with a pained look on her face. She rests her hands on her knees, taking a moment to catch her breath. "Mae...You need to be at home resting... Instead of wandering in this horrible heat for a pie you want to make."
Mae halts for a minute, throwing a wistful look ahead at what's left of her lover. "But I want to make something for Levi... Don't you see how miserable he looks? He's not even spoken a word to me since he's come back from his mission."
And Raz presses her lips into a thin line, silencing her frustration.
"You know, the smell of my pies always made him happy. He would always take an extra slice when I wasn't looking." A warm smile crawls on Mae's face, and she remembers all the good times spent over pies and tea.
Her gaze falls down at the growing swell of her stomach. It's huge now, so huge that she can't see her toes when she looks down. And a cheeky grin spreads on her face.
She can't wait to make pies for both him and their child.
"Mae please," Raz sighs, tears well up in her eyes, and she increases her pace and catches up to her. "It's painful to watch you like this."
"Don't worry about me Raz," She beams with pride. "I'll be patient with him, I've always been patient with him."
What stands in front of her, is a ghost of what Levi used to be. His face is gaunt and pallid, and his sunken eyes are filled with emptiness. And yet she smiles back at him, patient and faithful.
The love in her eyes never fades, no matter what condition Levi might be in.
A couple meters away from her is an old lady sitting with baskets of apples. "Don't these apples look wonderful!" She exclaims, hoping to pull a reaction out of Levi.
The old lady smiles. "They are very juicy and crunchy, the best batch we've got in months."
"Ahh!" Mae exclaims. "It would make an amazing pie filling then, am I right?" She looks at him again, but no matter what she does, the lifelessness in his gaze never changes. And his mouth still remains pressed in a grim line, devoid of any hint of a smile.
Her patience runs thins, and her pregnancy hormones catch the best of her,
"You know it's rude not to reply back, DON'T YOU?" She yells, agitated. She's dripping in sweat, carrying her 6 month pregnant belly, and he can't even acknowledge her presence.
The people around her turn, caught off guard by her sudden outburst.
And Raz pinches the bridge of her nose. "MAE STOP IT!."... She scolds, as she grabs her wrist, and drags her towards the end of the market.
The walk is short and soon the scenery changes. The liveliness of the market drifts into the haunting silence of a cemetery.
And Raz pulls Mae through the hundreds of headstones planted over the grass, until she finds the one of the Lance Corporal. She knows the route like the back of her hand now.
The Lavender flowers they kept on his grave 2 days ago have wilted.
And Mae shudders as she steps closer to it. All her illusions shatter and she's held hostage to the cruelty of the world once again.
"N-No Raz," her voice crumbles, and she takes a step back, nodding her head in denial. " H-he was s-supposed to come back after the w-war."
The silence is haunting. And Mae recalls seeing this scene a million times before, in the dreams that would terrorize her sleep.
"I-its a bad dream... it's just a bad dream." she croaks, almost tripping on another gravestone behind her.
And she waits for Levi's arms to pull her out of this never ending nightmare. She waits to feel his tight embrace.
But there's only silence.
"He wouldn't have left me alone." The disbelief in her voice is palpable.
This is the reality of war. Some are lost, some are sacrificed, and some survive.
But rarely, do they remain whole enough to thrive.
"Enough of this foolishness Mae," Raz snaps.
It's the same routine everyday. With Mae pretending that Levi is next to her and alive, and Raz dragging her to his grave until she breaks down over and over again.
Her fingers latch onto Mae's wrist and she pulls her away. "It's been 2 weeks, and y- you need to take better care of your child.... come home with me right now."
But Mae stands paralyzed,overrun by the possibility of what could have been.
Her mind drowns in dissonance, and her heart outrightly rejects the thought of him leaving.
They were supposed to have two kids. They were supposed to open his tea shop as well. There were dreams she had nurtured with so much patience.
So how did they wilt before they got the chance to bloom?
And how did the plans she held so close to her heart become unattainable?
She feels numb. And she hides her voice in a broken whisper. " H-he can't leave me Raz... I-I gave him everything I could... A-all my love... All my e-energy a-and time."
Far away on the ground, lies a crumbled newspaper.
'Humanity's Strongest shattered to pieces due to a thunder spear explosion' it says. And just below the heading is an illustration of him, bleeding on the grass with scars on his face, and 2 fingers amputated.
The earth trembles. The lavenders grieve beneath their violet blooms. And the roses quiver by the tombs, lamenting the departed who rest beneath the hush of the graveyard.
"Fine then," Raz resigns, as she starts walking away ."If you're gonna keep being such a wreck then go be it. Come back to me when some sense has been knocked into your skull."
And Mae turns to the stone that is left of her lover. The moment draws, there's silence, loss and an unfinished promise.
Its gray falls dull compared to his eyes.
And then she breaks. Falling to her knees on the grass.
Grief leaks from her so violently, it frays her voice.
She sobs like a child who's lost in the dark. And his name falls from her lips like a dying wish. She whispers it over and over, as if saying it enough could bring him back.
Her ears crave to hear his voice. But there's nothing.
Languidly her arms drape around his stone. But the stone is cold. And Levi Ackerman is gone
A shining star in the colossal sky. So beautiful, so unattainable.
And just like she'd told him that day, he ran too fast. He left her behind.
When she opens her eyes again, there's rage in them. She wants to scream. She wants to hurt all over her body like it does deep inside her heart.
"You didn't come back to me, Levi," Her bitterness burns her into the edge of destruction and she punches his stone, until it makes her knuckles bleed. "How dare you break my heart like this?"
The wind turns cold, and darkness envelopes.
The grass is lush, and below that is Levi.
With no more loyalties, promises and responsibilities.
For years she loved the remnants of him. What was left of him after the Survey Corps took his best.
There were tales he didn't pay attention to. There were letters he didn't respond to. And she waited for years, hoping that one day he would come back with his duties behind him.
But the war consumed him before she ever could.
She didn't even get to see his body, before he got buried underground.
"I was saving all along to buy you your tea shop," Her voice shatters... "I almost had the entire amount." She traces over the carving of his name on his stone.
The walls are gone, and the world is at peace, but there's chaos in her life. And peace shall never touch her, not when the pain of losing her lover drags her into hell.
"What sins am I being punished for?" She weeps. Damned, absolved, condemned by her love. "Why am I always the one being left behind?"
The petals of the Lavenders she kept, fly off with the wind. The cold claws at her skin.
The road back is long and home is nowhere to be found.
And Mae lays down on his grave, with the harrowing void in her heart. Hoping the god of death blesses her with a visit soon, just like he did to her lover.
_______________________
The Survey Corps headquarters stand long forgotten.
The bricks, once a vibrant red, have faded to a muted rust, some crumbling and others overtaken by ivy and moss. The windows are translucent now, their glass fogged with grime, and dust.
The sun is long gone, and the headquarters look ghastly. But Mae doesn't want to go back to Raz, not when the sight of her and her husband living happily burns holes through her heart.
It takes her all of her strength to open the heavy door. The handles are rusted, and a cloud of dust welcomes her as she manages to push it open.
The interior of the headquarters is doused in darkness.
The fire from the torches is long blown off. The air is thick with the scent of decay and there's dust everywhere.
These hallways that were once vibrant with laughter and activity, are now soulless. Everyone's gone and an eerie silence has taken their place.
Levi would have hated seeing things this way.
Soon she reaches the gate of his quarters, and her heart shudders as she pushes it open.
The darkness is overwhelming, but she walks into it nonetheless. Just like the cemetery, grief awaits her here too,
All the time she's spent in these quarters makes them familiar. And even through the darkness she manages to walk to Levi's desk and pull a candle out from the first drawer.
The room comes alive with the flickering light of the candle. AndMae's eyes rove around, vision blurred with tears.
The ghost of his love haunts the bedroom, ever present in the bed that they made love in, and the couch where countless minutes were spent in silence.
It's a bitter reminder of how much she has lost.
And she wants to trash this place around.
His promise to save the world, ended up destroying hers.
And now she doesn't know how to live anymore.
Her grief comes crashing down on her, all over again. And Mae sulks, close to regretting her decision to be with him years back.
His room is exactly as she remembers, with a single bed under the window, and a small wooden cupboard on the opposite end.
And as she walks closer to it, her attention is caught by the fabric of his shirt that is pinched between the doors of his cupboard. He must have left in a rush.
She walks towards it, to shut it close. But as she opens the doors, a pile of his clothes falls to the floor.
He must have really left in a hurry, unless someone came in and snooped into his room.
It's a bit of a struggle to bend down, with her pregnant belly. But Levi hates messes and so she sits amidst the clutter of his clothes. Folding them in the same meticulous way he did it.
And that's when she notices the big cardboard box far at the back, kept at the bottom shelf.
It's probably all his belongings or a dump of his paperwork, but she pulls it out nevertheless, hoping to find anything that could give her closure.
The box is heavy and she puts it down on the floor.
The first thing she sees are all the letters she's ever written to him. Stacked in a tidy pile, in one corner.
Her breath catches in her throat. And the more she sifts through the box, the more she realizes that everything inside is just about her.
There's an empty box of a premium tea she got him for her birthday, and there's containers of all the spices she would get to make his food at the Survey Corps less bland.
There are books that she would read to him, and even a tag of a pair of socks she got him for the winters.
Her hands start to tremble.
Levi has preserved everything she's ever given him. Even the dried petals of the flowers she would gift him on his birthdays are neatly kept in an envelope.
Time slows down- and every moment is like a stab through her heart. Their entire journey as lovers passes through her eyes in a painful flash.
And she remembers being beyond the moon when she heard about the successful mission in Marley. Levi was alive, and he'd come back valiant.
She couldn't wait to see him again.
But then he wrote her a letter saying that Sasha was dead and to keep her distance, since Zeke was around.
She never thought that was the last time she would hear from him.
Everything that she once held close has been snatched, ripped apart from her heart. His presence has assimilated back into the soil that he came from
And she can only suffer, until she forgets the texture of his voice, and the butterflies she gets from his calloused touch.
It feels like the weight of the world has come crashing down on her shoulders. The feeling is agonizing. And she buries her head into the teddy bear she gifted him on the day he was shifting.
At the bottom of the box is an unassuming white envelope. It's paper isn't yellow like that of all her letters. And she gulps as she sees her name written on top of if, in his neat handwriting.
It feels heavier than usual, and her hand trembles as she breaks the seal open.
Inside is a single sheet of paper, folded neatly. And as she tilts the envelope to take the letter out, something metallic tumbles out, clinking softly against the floor.
Her eyes widen, and she slaps her hand over her mouth.
It's a wedding ring.... the same expensive, pearl ring that she saw in the market at Mitras.
Guttural sobs leak out of her mouth, and she wonders if the clenching inside her heart will ever stop. Because right now, her grief feels larger than the life she has ahead of her.
And with the last of her strength she opens his letter and reads it.
To my dearest Mae,
I remember the last time I was with you. The morning before I left
There was a heaviness in the air, wasn't it? You were busy making breakfast for me. And I could see the sadness that you were trying so hard to hide. For some reason I was scared to wipe your tears away, because a part of me knew I was the reason behind it.
It pains me to see you sad. It pains me to be away from you as well.
Today as I'm writing this, the world around me is on the brink of collapse. The future is so uncertain, and we don't know if Eren is on our side anymore.
I can't seem to read through anyone's intentions. Zeke is still an emotionless bastard, pretending to have compassion. And Eren... for once all the sacrifices I made seem useless. My squad died for this... Erwin died for this. A war seems inevitable, yes... and that is the only thing I'm sure of.
But this letter is not about me, it's about you.
War....Its destructive, its quick decisions taken against the fear clawing your mind. Its finding a way to win with a blade pressed to your neck. It's something you can never process until it finally ends. All my life I've known war. All my life I've won things through violence. I've taken quick decisions, not having too much time to ponder. But I hope you know that after a million of quick decisions and unforeseen hurdles , you're the only one that's felt right.
Sometimes I wonder how I got to have you by my side for so long. I can't believe we've come so far together. But I believe my luck has run out and my reprieve is over. I'm a sinned man after all.
Lucky would be the man, who gets to come home to you.
All my life I've known to survive. But you taught me to take a break and live. Thank you for staying by my side, when I gave you a million reasons not to.
You asked me if I believed in the afterlife. And I said yes, because somewhere the concept of all the people I have lost being together, and me having the chance to meet them, gave me comfort. But what is gone is gone. It can never come back. And fantasies like the afterlife hardly bring much solace to me, now that I stand at the edge of this war.
But I still hope that one day I get to meet you again. If not in the afterlife, then in another lifetime perhaps.
If you're reading this letter, then I'm probably dead. There's now way I'd let anyone touch this letter if my body was alive.
So go and be with someone, who'll have the courage to wipe your tears away. Go be with someone who'll be able to give you the love that you gave me. Be with someone who'll write you letters everyday.
The promise we made that night is still etched in my head. And you know how I am with my promises. You best believe that I've kept my part and now it's time for yours.
This letter is long, I can't believe I've written all this much. I hope it makes up for all the things I've kept bottled all along.
This journey has been painful, but if given a choice, I would do it all over again.
I hope that we have left this world a better, a safer place.
So go, live your life. I know you have a habit of sulking, and you're probably crying as you're reading through this. So stay with Raz and be kind to yourself.
Go walk on the grass, when the sunlight is warm.
I'll be watching over you.
-Yours always,
Levi
_______________________
The sunlight slithers past the gaps in the curtains, forcing the darkness of the bedroom to fade away.
The light is overbearing and unwelcome. And Mae struggles to blink her eyes open.
It's been a week since she's caged herself in his room. And she's still here, lying in a pile of his clothes that are slowly losing his scent.
She believes she's cried so much that she's out of tears.
It feels like the pain she feels, has found its abode in her heart and permanently
settled there.
She's lost the privilege of being able to trace over his scars. Or taste his lips as she captured them in a kiss. She'll never be able to hear his voice again. And no amount of memory can make her feel the warmth of his skin.
He's gone from this world, and she has lost him forever.
The storm that ripped her life apart, has finally settled down, and Mae is getting used to living in the destruction it has caused.
She believes that the entire world's grief has been spilt through her eyes.
And the state of Levi's room tells. It's as chaotic as her mental state.
There are pages scattered all over the floor. His cupboard is open, and its contents are littered all around. The bed is a mess as well, filled with the clothes Levi once used to wear. And his blanket is wadded at the foot of the bed.
It's quiet as usual, devoid of the sound of his movements. Outside the window, a twig from a tree drops to the ground.
And Mae watches its fall, still devoid of the strength to step out.
Knocks on the door startle her and she stirs, forcing herself to get up. It's probably Raz.
She came looking for Mae, the next day, awfully guilty and embarrassed for leaving her all alone at the cemetery.
Raz was nice enough to get her food twice everyday. Without her, Mae's corpse would have been rotting on the bed.
But what awaits her on the other side of the door is not Raz. Instead, in front of her stand two burly men, armed with guns in their hands.
They size her up and the mess of the room behind her.
She must be someone close to the Captain. Her state can tell.
All of a sudden, one of the two is stepping closer. With his fists balled at his sides, and an evident scowl on his face. "Who were you to that Traitor of a Captain?" he spits.
And Mae narrows her eyes at him.
They called him a hero before and then they called him a traitor.
The courageous captain. He was rude and selfless, deadly and kind. Proud, humble, strong-willed and reckless. And he was also so much more.
He was the lives he carried on his tired shoulders. He was the strength to keep moving forward even in the moments that broke him
But at the end of the day, when he took off his ODM gear, and stood in front of her without the weight of the world on his shoulders. In his scarred skin, and his broken bones. With the tidiness of a maniac and the patience of a ticking bomb.
It didn't take a genius to realize that Levi was so much more than the glory of his battles.
All of a sudden Mae can taste the salt of her tears on her lips. "He wasn't a traitor...He fought for humanity, all of humanity," she chokes.
He was his bravery, but he was also his restless mannerisms. He was the piece of his mom's gown that he wore as his cravat. And he was the pink on his cheeks when she called him beautiful. There were parts of him that were only hers to love, and to accept.
He was her pride and joy. Her hope in this godless world. And if the Yeagerists weren't around, maybe Levi could have gotten some medical assistance and survived.
"If you are one of the Yeagerists, you're not welcome here." She hisses, absolutely appalled. And then her voice turns into something sadder. "It's not like he can harm you anymore."
And just as she's closing the door, the other soldier steps in, putting his body in the closing gap.
It doesn't take him much strength to push the door open. Afterall he is a member of the military and she's weak from all her grief.
Mae's eyes widen with fear. She would have never thought they would stoop low enough to hurt a pregnant woman.
But he has a softer look on his face, which somehow contradicts his rough appearance. "Ease off, miss. We're not Yeagerists." And then he throws a glare at the soldier before he huffs. "Also Samuel... cool down please."
"We're not Yeagerists, but it wasn't fair for Commander Hange to kill her comrades, and to side with the outside world." Samuel scoffs, brimming with resentment.
Turmoil is thick in the Eldian Empire now. There's always been two sides of a coin, and hostility has spread its claws, holding it's people in the vice grip.
"Sorry, his brother was killed at the Paradis Harbour... in the fight to take the flying boat."
And Mae stays quiet, replaying his words in her mind. She has no consolation in her heart for his loss. The flying boat took off... but Hange never came back, nor did Armin, Mikasa or Jean... For all she knows, they were also crushed, just like the outside world.
Ships were sent two days after the Rumbling to see what was left of the world. But it's been a month and there hasn't been an update yet.
Guess that tells plenty about the extent of destruction caused by Eren. She can't believe she used to once feed snacks to that nervous little child.
"We're the Royal Queen's guards." The calmer soldier speaks out again. "My name is Claus. And we're here to empty out the headquarters... The Survey Corps no longer exists, and so it's the Queens Order-"
"The Captain's belongings will go nowhere." Mae cuts him off. " I'm taking everything with me."
And Samuel laughs sardonically, eyeing her pregnant womb. "And who exactly are you to the captain... a road gig? I'm pretty sure the Captain never married anyone."
And Mae knows she's supposed to defend herself. But she can't. The thought of putting together a few words makes her feel like she's going to plummet.
The world has given her so many trials. It has tested her at every age. She's tired now, so tired that she just wants to rest.
Get up and face the world. The message comes to her like a ray of light, in pitch blackness.
Get up and face the world. That's what Levi has always done.
It's as if she can hear his voice thrum somewhere in the back of her mind.
And that's what she will do. For the part of him that's growing inside of her.
She raises her right hand to make their allegations stop. And the pearl ring in her finger shines bright in the sunlight.
"I'm the widow he left behind."
Author's note:
I see you've made it to the end:)
I know some of you must be surprised with Levi being dead, but Floch was the only one who thought Levi might still be alive, and Floch died, so I think the news that would have gone out to the newspapers would be of Levi dying.
Also let me know if Mae being pregnant came out of nowhere.
I had left small clues of Mae being pregnant in the last chapter (her crying so much because Levi was leaving and wanting him to stay, and her placing his hands on the swell of her belly). Don't know if it was obvious though, please let me know if I should mention it more directly in her thoughts in the previous chapter.
Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. Any comments really make my day, and I would love to know what you thought of the fic!
Many thanks!
Also since I'm a graphic designer and I really want to get into illustration, I will make a book cover for this book and get one copy printed for me (let me know if you would be interested to see that, just incase)
(PS: this is not the last chapter lol. I was just messing with you all lol. Last chapter will be out in 2-3 weeks as I'm still not done with it)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Heyyyy
Sorry for disappearing for 2 weeks without saying anything 🤡.
I had to look for a house, and work was also really busyy, so I didn't have the time to work on the fic. But my apologies for not updating again!
This chapter has a lot of time skips, so do keep the dates in mind to understand the timeline better. Also the last chapter ended with Levi going for the Mission to Reclaim Shinghansina, so this chapter will be more about post season 3 scenes, and season 4 timeskip stuff.
I hope you enjoyyy! Would love to know your feedback in the comments.
Song for this chapter is Happiness by Orange Rex Country
Maria has been reclaimed, and the people of Paradis rejoice. Throwing flower petals at the 8 remaining members of the Survey Corps.
This is the first time they have been welcomed this way. And this is the first time they have ever won. But Levi feels nothing close to victorious, as he tredges down the streets of Trost.
His feet ache, and the crowd cheers.
Silently he suffocates in the praises people sing of him.
For he has returned, not a valiant warrior, but a wimp who couldn’t even complete the promise he made to his dying commander.
The sound of the creaking wagons behind him is loud amidst the cheer. Erwin rests there, and so do Moblit, Marlo and many others. They couldn’t even get most of the bodies back, because of the shortage of carts.
And Levi has always been a part of their death, but this time, all responsibility falls on him. It was his decision to let his comrades march to death. It was his incompetence that let the beast titan slip away.
And now his shoulders can’t help but quake. For he has returned with unfathomable grief, and the weight of the entire survey corps on his head.
The loudness of the crowd, and the silence of his sadness are all too overwhelming. And Levi sighs, wondering if the heaviness in his heart will ever recede.
Hange agrees to take his horse back to the base. And Levi pushes through the people on the street, struggling to maintain the impertinent scowl that always rests on his face.
Soon his tired eyes meet the beautiful brown of hers.
She’s standing at the doorstep of their house. So grateful that he’s come back alive.
His breath quivers. It feels like it took him hours to reach her, as if he was walking in an endless circle.
“Levi,” her voice is one of love. She takes a step closer to him. Studying his body, smeared with victor’s blood. And he’s tried to hold it all in for so so long. But he’s home now, he can’t help but let his emotions crack through the mask.
“Levi…,” she puts a hand on his cheek, trying to elicit a reaction from him.
A few seconds pass by, thick in silence and then he lunges forward towards her. His arms encircling around her waist as he buries his face into the crook of her neck.
And she gasps, as she feels the slight tremor in his frame.
He reeks. Of sweat, of blood. Of death, of failure. And she can’t help but pull him closer, hoping that if she holds him tighter, it brings back all his pieces together.
She doesn’t know what he’s been through. And she doesn’t know what hurt him so bad, that he dares to hug her when they’re still standing at the doorsteps of their home.
But she wants to tell him that everything will be alright, and that he’s amazing. She knows he’s trying his best, and he’s fought to the best of his abilities in the mission as well.
But Levi always pushes her away.
Too proud to show his weakness. Too frightened to discuss his vulnerabilities. And Mae knows that he probably wants to pretend like he’s all alone. That he’s not breaking down like this in front of her.
The people around stop and stare. It’s not everyday that you see a man seek comfort out in public, much less Humanity’s Strongest.
And so Mae pulls him inside the house, away from the eyes that gawk during his times of weakness. She makes him sit on the sofa, so she gets the freedom to kiss his misery away.
“Levi, I’ve run a warm bath for you.” She speaks and Levi hums, thoughtlessly.
His brain has stopped working, or maybe he’s forcing it to shut. Not having the strength to face its never ending cynicism.
And so he lets her guide him to the bathroom. He lets her undress him and press a kiss on the new scar on his temple.
The warm water feels faintly welcoming. And as Levi dips himself in the bathtub, Mae sits on the platform behind him.
For a moment the only thing that remains is the stillness of the water, and the shell of the person Levi once used to be. Quaintly numb and horribly devastated.
The world hasn’t been gentle enough with him.
And so Mae lights a few scented candles around, hoping he doesn’t forget about the beautiful things in life.
It’s painfully domestic, and surprisingly Levi doesn’t complain. It's not like him to tolerate her presence when he’s so emotionally wrecked. Usually he gets snappy and pushes her away.
But this time his eyes are pleading to her. Asking her to stay.
And so she takes her time to wash him and his sins away. With gentle eyes, gentler fingertips and the gentlest lips.
And he gives in.
He gives in to her, as she lather soap around his shoulders. He gives in to her kind touches as she splashes warm water across his back. It makes him feel so loved and cherished, as if he’s a person who can still be accepted.
His eyes flutter shut, and he lets her find himself in places he’s never been in before. Vulnerable and naked, whilst she remains clothed behind him.
Her touches find his trembling skin. His bloodied hands that still quake under the weight of his regrets. And her lips find the souvenirs of war on his skin, scourged and engraved against his body. She tries to be the softest there, kissing all the spots where he’s been stabbed and hurt before.
When she looks up at him, his eyes are a crumbling shade of gray. And she sees the way he thinks he is a disgusting weakling. Nothing but a failure who couldn’t do anything.
And she dares to tell him that she loves him exactly the way he is. His scars, his bruises, and his battered soul that has been broken once again.
She dares to tell him that he’ll always be so much more beautiful than all his downfalls.
And Levi finds it easier to cry when water is already streaming down his face. He finds it easier to cry when Mae is sitting behind him, with her lips hovering over the sensitive skin of his neck.
He pivots and wraps his arms around her clothed back, keeping his head on her lap.
And Mae begins to comb his hair with her fingers. Making sure the shampoo has been washed off.
His eyes flutter close in surrender. He wonders how he got here? And how did he seek comfort in another person?
He has asked these questions to himself a million times before, and he still doesn’t have an answer..
But he likes to think that the universe gifted her to him. Maybe to compensate for all the people it has taken away from him. Maybe to restore his faith.
That she was supposed to help him grow, and become a better person. And he was born to rest beside her, with his head on her lap and his heart filled with love.
______________________________
FEB 851
Erwin stands tall amidst the oak trees planted in the City Square.
The forelegs of his horse are raised and his face is contorted in rage. His sword yields high, and his other hand is firm, fisted against his chest. A testament of his strength and will, as he carries his cadets into the storm of conflict.
The details of his face are set in stone . And dedicate your heart is etched in bold, right below it.
Needless to say, he looks glorious.
And Levi looks at his statue, with a distant look on his face.
The glory was never worth the carnage, and the war was never about bravery, it was about horror. And Mae sighs as her gaze lingers on Levi.
He came back to her in ruins, and she has tried awfully hard to piece him back together. But sometimes he still drifts off to a place, unreachable./ on some days, she still sees him crumble under the weight of his vows.
She wraps her hand around his wrist and tugs his arm.
“You were taking me to some market, weren't you?” Her sweet voice pulls him out of his thoughts. His features soften. And he lets her bring peace to him.
2 years have passed since the mission to Reclaim Singhansina. And the revelations in Eren’s basement have changed the trajectory for humanity. Or what they thought was the entire human race.
Turns out the entire world is against them.
Yet fortunately, some allies have also been found.
And with the help of the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers and the Azumabitos, Paradis is developing wonderfully. Train tracks are being built and strategies to secure the future are also being concocted.
Titans are no longer something people are scared off. And long gone are those days when soldiers would sacrifice their lives to kill mindless titans.
Things have been peaceful.
And the streets of Mitras look prosperous as ever. With the colorful bougainvilleas planted to the side of the cobblestone path.
“I still remember the day I came to Mitras…,”Mae recalls scornfully. “ They laughed at the dresses I wanted to sell, you know? It was so humiliating.”
And life has changed so much since then.
Mae's clinic has become one of the best in Trost. The line of patients is always long, and she works day and night. More of a workaholic than Levi now.
“I didn't even make enough money to save my parents.” A frown plays on her lips. There are days when old wounds resurface for her as well, sometimes triggered by the randomest of things.
“But you are doing so much better now… aren’t you?” Levi rebuttals with her thoughts, his voice soft. “Not to mention that you earn way more than me. And you’ve managed to save quite a huge amount.”
A genuine smile lights up Mae’s face. And her sun-creased eyes crinkle on the side. Getting praise from Levi still feels amazing. Because it's always genuine
“We've come far…” she affirms. ”We should be proud.”
And Levi’s fingers trail down her forearm, till they reach her palm. Their fingers intertwine, and he holds her hand in a soft grip.
The entrance of the market speaks a ton about its class. There’s a huge wooden arch built at the entrance. Fresh lilies dangle down from it, spreading an aroma that could captivate anyone passing by.
Carriages of the nobles are parked adjacent to it, stacked in a neat line, and chauffeurs stand outside, bored by the wait. The military police crowds around the gates, guarding it with astonishing discipline.
And Mae gasps, taken aback by the grandiose of the market.
The stalls are decorated with frilled tablecloths, and fragrant flowers are twirled around the pillars. A shop even sells small souvenirs of the railway trains that are being made. And there is seafood too, a special cuisine from the land of Marley.
Unlike most markets, this one isn’t loud. Ladies laugh, in their poised, practiced laugh. And the men speak in their fancy accent.
It makes Levi crinkle his nose. "Well, this place reeks of pretentiousness. I bet none of these swines could survive a day outside their fancy walls."
And Mae chuckles a little. “I'm surprised you wanted to come here of all places, Levi. You’ve always hated the nobility. “
“But I know you like fancy ass places.” Levi comments with nonchalance. His eyes land on a fashion boutique to his far right. Dainty, feminine dresses are placed on display, visible through the large glass facade.
And Levi doesn’t hesitate a second, before leading Mae to the shop.
Soon they step inside, and Mae’s eyes grow wide in awe. It doesn’t take long for her to slip her fingers out of his hand, and sashay around.
The store is as huge as the conference room at the Survey Corps. Tall wooden cabinets break the area into several aisles and the shelves are stocked with all kinds of fancy fabrics and clothes.
Much to Levi’s liking, there aren’t many people inside. And he strolls around, watching the wide collection of opulent garments.
His attention lands on a beautiful shade of peach that stands out in the pile of clothes stacked in the compartments. And he pulls it out to see the whole dress.
The fitted bodice is adorned with delicate details of lace. Its puffy sleeves are made of mesh, attached in line with the sweetheart neckline. And the skirt below is airy and voluminous, with layers of organza to add fluffiness.
Mae falls in love with it as soon as her eyes land on it. “That seems like something a princess would wear,” she gapes, as she ushers closer towards it.
There's another dress in her hand. A white one made of silk. And Levi feels a lump growing in the middle of his throat as he looks at it. “This dress looks so similar to what your dad made for your 18th birthday.”
And Mae nods, blinking away the stinging sensation in her eyes. “I always felt so guilty about selling that dress off, especially when it didn’t help me save either of them... But this feels like the universe is giving me another chance.”
And Levi’s smiles as he imagines her in all white. With satin bows on the bodice, and her skirt twirling around with every movement she makes. He's always wondered what she would look like in it, since it was her favorite dress.
He places his hand on the small of her back and he leads her to the front of the store. “Let’s get it then.”
And Mae hums as she turns to the shopkeeper.
But all her wishes come crashing down when she hears the price.
Her jaw drops and the silence that falls next is deafening.
The amount is beyond her imagination. For a moment she had truly forgotten how expensive this market was supposed to be.
“Should I pack it for you?” the shopkeeper asks with a practiced smile.
“NO,” her answer is immediate. And then she plasters a sweet smile as she keeps the dresses on the counter. But before she can march towards the exit, Levi grabs her wrist and drags her behind a shelf, where it’s just the two of them.
His brows furrow, and his eyes bore into hers. “Do you not like them?” He asks with all seriousness.
And Mae’s gaze flicks to the floor.
“It’s too expensive,” she mumbles. ”Now that I think about it, father wouldn’t want me to pay 3 times more for a dress that he made for free… I’d rather save that money.” She tries to convince herself.
But Levi doesn’t miss the subtle frown pulling on her lips.
“That’s fair…” He ponders for a moment. “But I don’t think your father would disapprove of me getting the dresses for you.”
And for a moment, all Mae can do is stand in shock. Her lips part, and her eyes grow wide with bewilderment. “You can’t buy me those dresses, Levi.” She crosses her arms in front of his chest.
“Any why not?”
“Because I earn way more than you, and no way am I going to let you buy even o-.”
He cuts her off by keeping a finger on the plush of her lips. His eyes trail from her mouth to her eyes. And he holds her in his gaze for a moment.
The months after the Return to Shinghasina were so hard. Hell chased Levi back from the battleground. And he found himself falling in an endless pit of horrors. Again and again. Over and over.
And throughout his battles with his own mind, Mae remained awfully patient.
He’d snap at her, still annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t save his comrades from the massacre by the beast titan.
He’d sit sad and dejected, crumbling under the weight of his vows. And she would look at him in pain, not knowing how to help him.
He would refuse her touch, sleeping on the edge of the bed, believing that he didn’t deserve it. And she would watch the war consume.
But not once did she raise her voice at him. Her gentleness with him was constant, no matter how difficult he was being.
And it's only the love she has shown him in the past few months that has made him accept himself again.
“Just because you earn more than me, doesn’t mean I can’t treat you.” He hooks his hand under her chin, lifting her face up so he can meet her gaze.
“Silly girl,” His voice comes out exceptionally soft.
He can never put into words how grateful he is to have her and so he presses a quick kiss on her lips. Hoping it does half of the job.
And Mae gawks, unable to recognize the man in front of her. He’s kissing her in the back of a store, holding her hand as they walk through the road. Ready to spend a month's salary on a dress she desires.
This is not the practical man she fell in love with.
But whatever it is, she feels loved and cherished.
“Are you sure, Levi? I won’t judge if you want to chicken out at any moment… It's a huge amount.” She tries to dapper her excitement by acting modest.
But he just nods. She’s worth so much more than the dress he’s about to buy. And unfortunately, it’s all Levi can’t afford at the moment. He hopes he can give her the world one day.
They walk back to the front of the store and the shopkeeper greets them with a smile again.
“The price might have thrown you off guard but both of them are from an exclusive couture collection.“ He goes off as he lays both the dresses on the counter. “Although we can surely find something cheaper for the lady.”
“Cut the crap-” Levi barges. “We’re purchasing it.”
And Mae taps her chin. The sweetness of the moment makes her heart melt a bit.
“I can’t decide which one to get though,” she mumbles, biting her lip. “The peach one definitely excites me more, since I’ve never worn something like that, but the white one really reminds me of my dad. And a part of me will feel guilty if I pick another dress over what my dad made.”
“Well… Levi's voice drawls. “If you’re feeling so conflicted …I can decide for you if you want.”
And there’s not an ounce of hesitation in his voice as he turns to the shopkeeper and says, “we’ll be purchasing both of them.”
Mae gasps, and then she nudges at his side, fazed. But he just blinks at her, as if everything is alright. Slowly her eyes light up like that of a little child, and he wishes he could pause the moment.
He is quick to hand out the cash, as if he’s been preparing for this moment all his life.
And Mae’s cheeks turn flush, as the shopkeeper packs the dresses and hands them to Levi. For a moment she feels too flustered to string a coherent sentence. And it’s only when they’ve stepped out of the store does she speak again.
“I almost drained your entire wallet.” She coyly stumbles over her words. “But thanks Levi, I appreciate it a lot! “
“Tch, stop acting like a formal, snobby brat.” He grunts, but his eyes glint with fondness.
They step into the busy streets again, and Levi's hand lands on the small of her back. Ensuring that he doesn't lose her in the crowd of the market.
The section they enter next is gleaming with gold on every fixture. Intricate necklaces studded with gems are on display at every corner. And mannequins are decorated with accessories that only royals could sport.
The security is tighter here, and Levi’s sure all the jewelry is made of pure gold.
“I’m so excited to wear these dresses, Levi!” Mae squeals .
H er energy spills out in waves of enthusiasm, and she walks with a slight hop in her step.
Levi finds her rather cute in her childlike excitement.
“I can’t tell you how grateful I’m feeling right now. I’ll wear the peach dress for a date, we’ll have a romantic dinner on the terrace where we’ll slow dance under the stars… and the white one would be perfect for a picnic.”
And Levi chews the inside of his cheeks. Baffled that she’s still so excited to spend time with him. After years of being together. Instead, he decides to focus on the elaborate displays of jewelry to stop the blush creeping up on his cheeks.
The sight around him is a manifestation of the luxury and opulence that corrupts this world. It’s something Levi hates, since he’s seen how bad the other side is. He sighs.
Every piece of jewelry is sparkling, and intricate. But they all look the same, with the same stones, the same metal. The nobles are always decked with these. And Levi has met enough thanks to the galas Erwin made him attend to secure funding for the Survey Corps.
“Any of these catch your interest?” He drones, as they walk past the largest stall that stands in the center of the section.
And Mae points her finger towards a ring that's kept in a small glass box. “That looks pretty,” she comments casually.
Oddly enough, Levi can’t recognise the gemstone. It’s a smooth sphere, cream coloured with an iridescent surface that shimmers in various soft hues.
He steps towards it. Inspecting it closer. The gem is like nothing he’s seen before,
It’s softer, white, pure and luminous, just like Mae.
“It does… it’s absolutely gorgeous.” He’s besotted the moment he looks at it.
The previous customer standing at the stall leaves, and the Vendor turns his attention towards Levi. His eyes glint with excitement. “You’re Humanities Strongest, right?”
And Levi hums. It’s common for him to be recognised these days.
“Well, what you’re looking at is not a gemstone… It’s all thanks to you actually… the Survey Corps.…” The vendor opens the glass case, and hands the ring to Levi. “It’s a pearl, a gem from the sea.”
“I see.” Levi takes it in his hand and examines it closer. The surface is smooth and lustrous, but it’s not loud like that of a diamond. ”Must be fairly expensive.”
“It's the most expensive product in this section for sure. ” The vendor chimes.“ It's the most beautiful wedding ring ever made in our studio!”
He extends his hand forward, taking back the ring from Levi’s grasp. “Unfortunately it's not up for sale.”
Levi raises his bow at that, and the vendor continues.
“It's a custom wedding ring made for the Franz family. It’s only up for display… I can make one for you if you’d like though.” The vendor goes on, and Mae looks at Levi, not understanding why he is taking part in such a futile conversation.
She steps closer to him and tugs at his sleeve.
“Let’s go Levi, we have no use for a wedding ring.” All the wedding rings around makes her want to hurl, but she manages to mask the bitterness in her heart.
And Levi throws the ring a final glance, before he decides to walk away as well.
Moments later they are laying on grass and watching the sunset.
It’s a quiet garden just outside the orphanage made for the Underground kids.
The grass is lush, and Levi closes his eyes as a gentle breeze blows by them.
His lithe eyebrows are slightly disheveled but relaxed. And in the outer corner of his eye, there are faint lines that mark all the years he’s spent on this land so far. Time has flown by very fast.
And Mae longs after him in silence.
She’s pampered him so much that he has put on a bit of weight. His thighs have become soft, and his cheeks are much more rounder now. He looks cute, she thinks to herself. This is probably what Levi looked like as a child, with the pudgiest of cheeks.
Ever since the Survey Corps headquarters got shifted to the coast of Paradis, Levi has been spending all of his weekends at home. Trost is convenient to go to the coast, and after Levi got to stay with Mae in the 3 month break after the Battle of Shiganshina, he realized there’s no place he would rather be than next to her.
And so he races back to home, Whether it’s from a long eventful week filled with meetings or a trip to the interior. Every Friday night he’s next to her, with his head on her lap. In the only home he’s ever known.
And Mae, too, finds the house extremely quiet without him, even though Levi hardly makes any noise.
Loving him has become a habit now. It comes easily, From cleaning extra hard, when he comes back home, to understanding the subtlety of his love.
His presence has almost become like the air that she lives on. Something not noticed when everything is perfectly normal. But something that suffocates her when she feels his absence.
“Why are you staring at me instead of the sunset Mae?” Levi doesn’t open his eyes, but he can feel her gaze burning his side.
And Mae bites her lip at his question. A little uncertain
“Levi… “ Her voice comes out hesitant. “You bought me these dresses today, and made me feel so loved, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’re staying with me out of convenience?”
Levi’s eyes flutter open and he turns to his side, facing her.
“ Am I just a habit now?” She chokes, her voice getting caught in her throat. “ Do you not find me beautiful anymore?”
And Levi falls silent, as he looks at her longer. Beautiful is too weak of a word.
“No, not at all… why would you ever think that.” Levi places his hand on her cheek, And then a tint of pink dusts his cheeks as he mumbles, “ I know I don’t say it enough, but I'm grateful to have you.”
“Then…” Mae falters and exhaustion drags through her voice. “Then why wouldn’t you just marry me?
Tears well up in the corners of her eyes. “We’ve known each other for 8 years… and we’ve been in a relationship for 6, I’ve stayed by your side through whatever the world has put us through. I… I don’t know how else I should prove my love towards you?”
And Levi looks at her, at a loss for words. She doesn't need to prove anything to him… He knows she loves him. He knows she loves him with all her heart.
Her voice cracks, heavy with emotion, but she continues. “I don’t understand where the problem is? We do everything that married couples do… We make love, we manage finances. And we’ve also been living together ever since the Survey Corps headquarters got shifted to the outskirts of Paradis.” Her lips quiver, and she tries to suppress her sobs.
But he sees her pain reflect in her orbs.
She’s his peace, in this cruel, chaotic life. But when he looks behind her, the world is still in chaos.
There’s a war out there waiting for him. And if he doesn’t go out and fight it, this world might dangle on the brink of destruction again
“It’s not you Mae…” His voice trails out. “I just don’t see the point in marriage…. I mean we know what we have, so is there any need to bring law into it? And let everyone know of something that’s so private?”
“B-but Levi…,” she refutes quietly. “ I’ve always dreamt of getting married… I’ve always dreamt of getting married to you. Can’t you let your beliefs slide for me? I’m hitting my 30’s… and all my friends are married. Every time I meet someone they ask me when I plan to get married… And it’s humiliating to tell them that I've been with someone for 6 years, and that someone is still not ready to marry me.….Sometimes I feel like you just don’t love me anymore.”
Love, the word repeats in Levi’s subconscious.
He loved her when she was just a scarred apprentice, attempting to find her place in a world where she has lost everyone. He loved her when he became Humanity's Strongest and when she became a measly waitress in a tavern. He loved her despite knowing how fragile their relationship was, and how easily this world could break it apart.
And yet, he still loves her now, as he looks at her tearstruck eyes, asking him why he wouldn’t marry her. But he loves her a little too much to make a widow out of her
And Levi knows he’s fighting a battle that isn’t his. Maybe if this had happened right after he lost Isabel and Farlan, he would have left the Survey Corps and run away with her.
But too many lives have been lost now. He’s made promises to keep and his wounds run too deep. He can’t back out of the war.
And even though things are placid now, this peace is just a temporary illusion. A brief reprieve that’s only meant to be broken.
Because war will come again, knocking on his door. And Levi will be forced to choose between his duty as Humanity’s Strongest and Mae.
His fingertips find its way to her face. Her brows are wrinkled in frustration, and his touch hovers over it. Slowly the lines ease away.
Mae closes her eyes as his feather light touches follow the arch of her eyebrow. And Levi finds it easier to mask the yearning on his face when Mae is not looking at him.
Only he knows how he wants to take her hand, and run away, somewhere far away in some secluded cottage. Just the two of them, with their little kids. He wouldn’t mind if they take more from her, than from him.
Yes he doesn’t believe in marriage, but he doesn’t mind if it makes her life more peaceful.
But peace might only find him in the form of death, before it ever touches the rest of the world.
“The world is too unpredictable right now.” His tone is assertive. It’s a statement not something that is up for discussion.
And once again Levi succeeds in trampling his desires. The mask he always wears, materializes all over. Now his heart is tucked away, somewhere safer, in a dark and distant part.
He has to keep his head over his heart. Even when he falters, even when he trips, he has to be strong.
But when Levi's eyes meet the sorrow in hers, he can’t help but feel like a useless person. “I'm so sorry sweetheart.” he sounds remorseful, “You’re not the problem, I promise…It’s me who’s not able to give you want.”
She shifts closer to him, desperate to feel his presence. And his arms wound tight around her waist as they embrace the path that destiny has set out for them.
Levi loves humanity a little too much to leave it abandoned. And Mae loves Levi as much as he loves humanity. The path set out for them has more agony than happiness.
The sun drowns under the horizon. And they drink up their misery, looking forward to death together.
______________________________
DEC 853
The first ray of dawn only brings sadness to the town.
Levi lays on the bed in a nonchalant state of humaneness. Hair messily falling on his face, tousled by the pillow underneath him. Some stubble on his chin, and his half-draped body naked under the sheets that cover him.
He looks sublime. So beautifully human.
And Mae can’t help but take a seat on the bed, lean over and capture him with a kiss.
That’s all they do for a while. Kiss, embrace, with her fingers entangling into his hair. Heaven only breaks when her tears finally slip in. Leaving a salty aftertaste on his lips.
He catches the glimmer in her eyes, as she pulls away. And Mae tries her best to conceal her grief in the rush of her actions. But it’s Levi after all, he could never miss the slight tremor in her shoulders as she wears the dress that lays discarded on the floor.
It feels like Mae is spending all her efforts to stay away from. He steps into the kitchen, and she turns the other way to drink water. He leans closer, trying to kiss the top of her head, and she pushes away, telling him she needs to take a shit.
It’s only during breakfast that he properly gets to see her face.
Her eyelids are swollen, double the size of what they usually are. And her eyes are masked in a sheer layer of moisture, threatening to spill out any second.
“You were up early.” He questions, testing the waters.
“Yeah… couldn’t get much sleep” Her voice comes out hoarse. And her gaze doesn’t leave the egg that she’s frying on the pan. He can tell she’s been crying for hours.
Levi leaves again, today.
He’s going to the enemy nation. It's not brainless titans that he has mastered slaughtering. It's a whole new country with technology far greater than theirs, and a population that hates their race, for merely existing.
And even though Levi’s been on a hundred missions before. Something about this mission makes Mae stomach churn. Like everything is going to go wrong.
But what's left to say. Levi is going to put himself in danger, and Mae can do nothing to stop him.
And so she runs away from him again. Rushing to their room as soon as she puts the eggs on his plate.
Her grief is loud in all the silence. And Levi feels a little anxious to find out the reason behind her suffering.
“Mae?” he calls out cautiously. Stepping into their room, as he finishes his breakfast.
But words don’t dare to leave her lips, instead she grabs his wrist. Pulling him to where she has laid his clothes out for him.
And in the dim light of dawn, Mae dresses Levi up.
She fastens the belt over his plants, and closes the buttons of his favorite white shirt. Her steady hands speak nothing of her trembling heart.
She drapes the blazer over his broad, strong shoulders.
The air is too thick and the silence cuts like the edge of a dull blade.
And Mae tries to focus on the silken fabric of his tie rather than the pain of him leaving.
The navy brings out the blue in his eyes.
Needless to say Levi looks gorgeous. His suit transforms him from her lover to a soldier bound to his promises. And as Mae steps back to look at Levi, the tears that she’s trying to cage, come back with full force.
“It's been 7 years Levi… 7 years since we’ve been together… Can you believe it?” Her lips meld into a sad smile. “Time has passed away so quickly, hasn’t it? It feels like it was moments ago when I saw you sitting on that boulder, like an arrogant asshole… Who would have known I’d almost spend a decade with you.”
Levi smiles at her words. Tilting her head towards him, so that he can look at her. Their gazes lock, and a universe of shared memories and unspoken words pass through their minds.
And as Mae gives his tie a final tug, her voice comes out so defeated. “I tried to keep up with you, you know? Walk at your pace, so I could be alongside you on every path you take... But you’re so much more stronger Levi, so much more faster. You are a force of nature that no one could ever stop.”
Her touches linger, laden with yearning. And the pain reflecting in her eyes makes it torturous for him to gaze into them.
He tries to shush her cries away by pressing a lingering kiss on the top of her head. Again and again, hoping the familiarity mulls her to a happier place.
“And now my legs are giving up, my bones are becoming weak. You're pacing forward and I’m slowing down… I- I’m afraid I’ll be left behind.“ Her voice quivers, and she breaks into shambles. “I was a fool to think I was strong enough to endure this?”
And when he sees her like this, choking up on her own words. With her eyes swollen, and her lips trembling with heaving exhales. He feels his strength dwindling out as well.
“W-what are you trying to say sweetheart, I’m n-not able to understand it.” His voice comes out frail. “No one’s leaving you behind.”
Stay. Mae thinks, as she looks at him. Eyes filled with both love and torment.
Time has weakened me, and I’m not the same young girl who could go months without meeting you just to see a glimpse of your face by the end of it.
Stay, while I take a moment to catch my breath.
So she places both her hands on his cheeks, making sure they memorize every scar on his face. “C-can you hold me for some time… before you leave?”
And how can Levi not give in?
He takes a seat on the edge of bed, with her positioned on his lap.
She buries her head into his chest. And he encircles his arms around her waist. Rubbing long soothing strokes against her back.
But her tears don’t stop. No matter how many kisses he leaves on her face.
He can only watch as her body rakes with sobs.
Half an hour passes away in mere seconds.
But her grip only gets tighter. She cries harder. Forcing him to stay put. If he had the choice to stay he really would. It hurts to leave when she’s in so much distress. But life has never been kind enough to give him choices.
“You know I must go,” he speaks with sadness.
Her sobs get louder .
There are words on the very tip of her tongue that are dying to come out. But time is cruel as usual.
“5 m-minutes more p-please.” She turns on his lap, so that her back is pressed to his chest. Her fingers intertwine with all of his, and she leads his hands to the swell of her belly. Keeping it there, for the last few seconds she spends with him.
“I’m s-sorry… sweetheart.” His voice breaks. It hurts to be the cause of all her sadness. But the world outside is waking, and Levi can’t afford to stay on the sidelines for too long.
And so he forces himself away, knowing he physically won’t be able to separate himself from her if she still keeps holding onto him.
Gently he picks her from his lap, and places her on the bed. ”I’ll have to go now, I’ll miss my ship.”
He tries to step away but thoughtlessly she catches his wrist.
“Levi….” She begs and he takes in a sharp breath .
“Levi… I’ve loved y-you with everything I’ve had.” She speaks between her sobs. And her eyes look so lifeless, it makes Levi’s heartbreak.
“I know… I know.” He mutters as he takes steps closer, trying to comfort her. And she is quick to wrap her arms around his waist again, resting her head against his abdomen.
“So the next time, when you come back, you’ll come back only for me… No Survey Corps, no military, no politics, no Anti-Marleyan squad.” It's not an order, not even a desire. Her words hover on the brink of a desperate plea.
And he presses a lingering kiss on the top of her head, before he steps away and walks to the doorsteps.
Silence hangs like a bereaved soul, as Levi and Mae share a final kiss. “Take care of yourself,” He takes her hand and brings it to his lips. Pressing a kiss on her knuckles.
And before he can hear the torment in her voice, he walks the other way. Knowing that he’ll never be able to leave if he catches a glimpse of her heartbroken face again.
She leans on the door frame, watching him slip away. The tears streaming down her face seem unstoppable. And t ime runs so painfully slow, it feels like she’ll have to relearn how to breathe again.
“Levi,” she calls out one last time . Her voice is forced into a low whisper, and he’s meters away from her . She begs the universe that he turns back.
And he does stop, chin jutting over his shoulder, face somber with emotion he wishes he could blink away.
And the both of them stand with their sadness. Wishing they had the time to complete all the talks that have been left incomplete. All the desires that have been left unfulfilled.
He flashes her a reassuring smile nevertheless.
And with the little strength that remains in her, she forces a smile as well. Hoping that if this is the last time Levi sees her in this lifetime, then his last memory of her is that of her smile.
Yet amidst the happiness they try to force, their eyes remain truthful, real and plain. A final sentiment shared between.
Don't forget to keep your promise .
Author's note:
Don't know how this chapter is tbh because it was really long to edit lol. But let me know what you think.
We're kinda near the end of the story tbh (I don't know if that is surprising hahah).
Also the whole dresses convo in scene 2 comes from Mae selling her dresses of in Chapter 5. (Just incase someone has forgotten because I'm taking too long to update these days)
Hi guys,
Unfortunately Chapter 27 of Turning Page would not be out this week.
It's finished, but I've been very busy looking for a house, and didn't have the time to edit it. It should be out on next Saturday!
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hiiii,
This is definitely one of my favorite chapters in the fic. Had this chapter in mind, ever since I was coming up with the idea of writing this fic.
Hope you enjoy it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Song for this chapter is Aaj Jaane Ki Zidd Na Karo by Arijit Singh.
The harsh summer sun is waning, and the clouds part to reveal a gradient of pink and purple in the sky. The incoherent chatter of passers plays like white noise, and Levi walks through the narrow lanes of Trost.
He finds the evening sky is calming.
He was here, just a few days ago too. Busy running away from Kenny and protecting Eren from the clutches of the royal family.
But things are different today. The stress on his mind has reduced immeasurably. There is a slight bounce in his gait, and he almost smiles, as he sees two kids run past him, with a kite in their hands.
Things have started falling back into normalcy. From the capture of the Female Titan to the false breach of Rose. Humanity is slowly healing.
And to Levi, the humdrum of a mundane life has always felt comforting .
Mae’s house appears at a distance. It doesn’t look the same as before, but the repairs made by the government are functional. Mae seems to be comfortable.
And Levi smiles as he sees a candle, flickering through the window. She’s home.
He picks up his pace, the beat of his heart picking up as well.
The yellow walls that he once looked at with distaste, have now found a place in his heart. And a simple slab of wood has never seemed so welcoming. It feels like he hasn’t seen her in forever.
His knocks on her door almost seem urgent. And he taps his foot to somehow contain his excitement.
Then he hears the sound of the latch being opened. And he’s just about to make a comment about her taking a crap for too long. But her voice reaches him first, taut from all the crying.
When the door finally opens, Levi is taken aback by the sight of her..
Her hair is disheveled, her cheeks are tear stained. And her eyes sing of the tragedies and woes of all mortal beings.
The picture is hauntingly similar to the time when her parents died.
“Levi.” her voice frays. The sound tugs all his heartstrings, and he steps inside, closing the door behind him.
Her composure breaks the moment she meets the gray in his eyes. And her hands tremble as they cradle his face. Staunch disbelief makes her eyes go wide, and a single tear falls from her waterlines. As if millions haven’t fallen before already. “I-I thought you were dead,” she croaks.
The pain in her eyes is just a glimpse of what she’ll go through, the day he actually ends up dying. And Levi gulps at the sight. The possibility of that happening is higher than he’d like to tell her.
It’s a happy day though. He should think of happier thoughts.
“Come here,” he opens his arms wide, welcoming her in a hug. And she jumps into his arms desperate to feel the pulse inside his chest.
Her shoulders quake with an intensity that makes Levi queasy. Her restlessness gets the best of her. And her grip around him doesn’t loosen, even when he carries her to the couch, and sits on it. “Where were you?” she cries. “ So m-many people were t-telling me t-that you were k-kiled by the government.”
He rove his hand over her head. “ I’m alright… I’m right here, aren’t I?” And the pads of his finger are gentle as they wipe the tears slipping down her face. “I’m going to be safe now… Historia is the new Queen.”
He speaks with logic, but he does not make sense to her.
Her hands still tremble against his skin. Scared that he will disappear into thin air.
She looks like she hasn’t slept for days. And his heart breaks, unable to comprehend the turmoil she’s been through this past week, while he was busy with his undercover mission.
In an attempt to distract her, he bends and takes out the knife he keeps strapped to his ankles. “Here..” he holds it out to her. “Sasha stitched this wound for me,… but it must have healed by now… mind, taking the stitches off?”
“Wound?” She panics. It’s something that completely slipped past her mind. “ Oh my god! I didn’t consider that, and I just jumped on you.” Her hands start frantically roving over his frame. “Are you hurt anywhere, did you-”
“Sweetheart, “ a rare laugh slips past his lips, and he cuts her off by putting his finger on her lips. “Wouldn’t I walk differently if I had an injury that serious?”
He takes off his shirt and turns his right arm towards her. “See, one wound is, that’s all… not a scratch anywhere else.”
And Mae gulps, as she takes the knife in his hands.
No matter what she thinks of, the facts, the wins, the strength of Levi Ackerman, the tears don’t stop. They rage like the walls of a dam, left abused and broken. And every part of her still trembles. Her fear still holds her in a vice grip.
It all started when she heard a few distant gunshots. Then the fight between Levi and the Military Police became the talk of the town. People saw him dash through the roads, with the police hot on his tail. Some saw him surrounded by armed men in a Tavern as well.
In the next few hours, the government was arresting the Survey Corps, Erwin was going to be prosecuted, and Levi was nowhere to be found.
And all Mae heard all day long were rumors about his disappearance, and the thoughts of his dead corpse. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat. Completely consumed by the anxiety of losing him.
Next thing she knew, there were wanted posters with a drawing of Levi on every wall. He had a huge bounty on his head, and she even heard people conspire ways they would find him.
As it is she faced the fear of losing him with every mission he went on. But now he wasn't even safe inside the walls? The one place she thought he'd be safe…
Days came and went.
The long line of patients at her clinic somehow kept her busy during the day.
But the nights were the same. With her tossing and turning in bed, helpless. She physically felt her heart rip to pieces, at the thought of never seeing Levi again.
The knife in her hand quivers as she brings it closer to the bandage wrapped around his upper arms. She hasn’t lost him yet, the thought leaves a bittersweet aftertaste.
Then Levi cups both of her cheeks, and looks into her eyes.
The knife is so close to his skin. Unsheathed and sharp. And yet he stills for minutes. And yet he closes his eyes as he presses his forehead to hers.
It's a different kind of intimacy, not one he even registers now. All his are instincts pushed to the side
And as he keeps her in his palms, foreheads pressed and eyes closed, his love conquers. And he wastes no time to claim her, pressing his lips onto hers.
She melts with every little kiss. And she finds herself, settling into his warmth . Losing herself in the feeling of his lips against hers. It's so strong, that it pulls her out of her fears, and tethers her back to the world.
He angles her face, as he pulls her closer. And she finds home, in the erratic rhythm of his heart.
When they part, all their worries scurry away, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. And Levi puts his head on Mae’s lap. Tired from all the happenings of the week.
So much has happened, and much more is bound to happen. The mystery of the titans is only unfolding. And so far it has been taxing. His eyelids start drooping shut, and his breath evens out.
When he looks up he sees Mae. And she smiles, still teary-eyed. Holding him with such tenderness, it makes him feel delicate.
He lets the warmth of her eyes wash over him.
“Mae,” he reaches an arm up to touch her face.
And Mae nods, pushing away the hair that falls on his forehead.
“Kenny… “ he gulps. “Keny didn’t leave me because I wasn’t good enough…”
And she tucks a strand of hair behind his earlobe “I always told you, you were perfect, didn’t I?”
A rare smile traces on his lips. And even though his cynical mind wants to run off with more questions , he lets that part of him rest. The last thing he remembers before sleep comes to him is Mae telling him she’ll make a mask for his hair in the evening.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
AUG 850
The night treats Mae cruelly.
It's cold, heavy, and dark. The lights are dimmed out, and people sleep peacefully in the illusionary safety of these walls. Forgetting that there is still a war to be fought, an enemy to be conquered.
Days have passed by in a flash.
And restlessness has conquered her thoughts. Peace has eluded her. And she can only try to comfort herself, as she looks at the tall walls that surround Trost.
Levi goes past them tomorrow. Tomorrow he goes to conquer Shinghansina again.
And yet he isn’t beside her.
She decides to not read into it. She knows how he can be sometimes. And she knows how stressful the nights before a mission are. Especially for a mission as tough and risky as this one.
The Survey Corps is going to go all out.
The wind blows in her face. And her lips tremble as she looks over the sleeping city. The uncertainty of tomorrow’s mission has captured her entire heart. And its claws dig in. Slicing gashes across her skin, and making her heart bleed.
She feels dizzy, and a single tear slips past.
His memory haunts, night and day. She wishes he was here, spending a few moments with her before he puts his life on the line again.
But her job is to make his life easier, not to burden him with her desires. And she can only hope that he finds the time to come meet her, before he leaves for the mission tomorrow.
She can only hope she’s being good to him.
And Levi sits in the dark corner of a desolate shop. With a bottle of whisky by his side, and his hands touching the filthy dust on the floor.
Outside, the sound of Eren, Mikasa and Armin fills the quietness. They chatter about all that is lost and all that they still look forward to.
In them he sees Isabel and Farlan. After all they too were naive, young kids who were forced to grow up a little too young.
Armin concludes that he wants to see the sea. The enthusiasm woven in his voice is infectious.
And Levi gulps. Isabel wanted to see the sky too.
And yet he is the only one who gets to see the sky everyday. It’s unfair, something he doesn’t deserve after all the times he’s fucked up.
Tomorrow is a big day though. He hopes he can make them proud. And he hopes he can avenge all his fallen comrades.
The thought makes him feel content yet also nervous. They’ve come a long way. And yet they stand at a place where everything is uncertain.
No one knows how many shifting titans wait for them out on the battle ground. No one knows the type of terror might be hauled onto them. And for the first time, Levi is failing to understand Erwin’s motives as well.
The thought itself makes him furious. And he plops open the cork of the bottle, and gulps down its contents.
The alcohol burns his throat and bleeds into his bloodstream. Ushering him to the brink of a collapse, that he is dangerously close to.
Every time he shuts his eyes close, his heart begins to race. Wrecked by the weight of the world and the cynicism in his head.
He brings the bottle to his lips again. Gobbling the liquid until the bottle is half way done. It’s a good distraction.
A good distraction from the people that will inevitably die tomorrow. A good distraction from Erwin, who despite his pitiful condition is hellbent on going to the mission
Mikasa, Eren and Armin get up, and Levi doesn’t try to hide in the shadows. He’s a little too absorbed in his grief to even think of that. Fortunately for him, they don’t notice either.
He drinks, he drinks, he drinks up his misery. It's one of those days, where every loss he has ever endured comes crashing towards him.
His eyes ache, tired. His brain throbs, numb. And his entire body hurts, but it doesn’t stop trembling from restlessness. He’s exhausted, but sleep can’t grace him. He’s hungry, but the stress of the mission also takes his appetite away.
The night gets colder, and he shivers, sticking closer to the musty wall he rests his back on.
He fears he’s a little too close to self destruction. Shrouded by darkness, surrounded by doubts. A little too far away from everything and everyone.
And with his tattered soul, he carries himself to the only home he’s ever known.
━━━━━━━
It's 1 in the morning when Mae’s door rattles open. And she can’t help the tears that spring up in her eyes as she takes in Levi’s form.
Levi’s eyes give away. Distressed underneath the expectations he has for himself, and tormented by the uncertainty that comes along with the mission.
His breathing is heavy and she rushes closer to him. Taking the empty bottle of whisky from his hands and hauling him inside. “Where have you been all this while,” she reprimands.
Not an answer. It's often like this with Levi. He still hesitates to open up, to show where it hurts.
To him it's still a mere weakness.
Little does he know, she loves him the most when he’s weak and vulnerable, yet strong in his resolve and ambition. So beautifully human.
She makes him sit on the couch and snakes an arm around his waist, to hold him still. “Are you feeling alright?”
“Tch,” he scoffs and pushes her away. “Of course I’m alright, I know my limits with alcohol, I’m not going to drink when there's a mission 12 hours from now.” His tone is confident, but his eyes remain vacant.
His body is here, physically present. But he is somewhere else, a distant place where she can’t reach no matter how hard she tries. And she feels lost in all the darkness he resides in.
“I’ll run you a warm bath to clean you up, or would you like some tea.” She pleads, hoping something helps. The last thing she wants is for him to go on the mission in such a miserable state.
But he doesn’t answer again. He just sits, quietly fluming, and overwhelmed as hell.
And Mae rushes to bring a wet washcloth, to wipe the dirt gathered on his knuckles.
The cooling sensation of the cloth brings him back to this earth. And he watches as she takes his hand in hers, and gently rubs the filth away.
His eyes drop to her lips, and he blinks. The strings of his heart tug at him, feeble when she’s with him.
Her love alone has the strength to make him surrender. And he leans in, pressing a gentle peck on her lips. It’s a sweet distraction.
A couple moments pass by in stifling silence. And as she gets up to put the cloth away, his hand latches to her wrist.
“Sit…here.” There’s an underlying agony in his voice, that makes her break a bit.
He can never see how sad he looks from her perspective.
And whilst Levi struggles with the criticality of tomorrow’s mission, Mae struggles with something too.
The possibility of losing him.
Turmoil has weighed heavily over her the past few days. From one thing to another, she’s hardly gotten any rest. And now Levi leaves again tomorrow. It feels like sadness looms over them like a heavy cloud ready to rain.
“Come let's sleep, honey… “ She sits next to him again. “You have a mission tomorrow.” Her voice almost frays at the cruelty of the moment. The condition he’s in breaks her to pieces.
“No I don’t want to sleep,” his answer is immediate. Maybe he’s having it a little too hard with his nightmares. “You go and sleep. I’ll just stay here for a while.”
“I slept already… in the afternoon today,” she lies. Deciding that Levi needs her more, than she needs her sleep. “How about we put a mattress on the terrace, and watch the stars?”
And Levi follows, always working well with orders.
He helps her take the mattress up the stairs.
The night has turned colder and the cold bites at his hands. He shivers as he sits unusually stiff.
Soon Mae brings a set of blankets and pillows, to keep the both of them warm. And they lay down, watching the stars twinkle above.
The stars always made Levi feel better, a constant reminder of where he had begun and how far he has come. And Mae hopes that today they remind him of how proud she is of him.
She holds his hand first, and then she turns towards him. Shifting close.
And Levi gives in, defeated and exhausted. She takes her time to gently kiss the creases between his brows. Until they fade
Their feet mingle under the warm blanket. And they snuggle up, arms wrapped around each other.
Moments trickle by in silence and the effect of the alcohol fades away. The only thing that remains now is the warmth of her arms and the steadiness of her breath.
And Mae is a reminder that whilst there isn’t much positivity in this cruel cold world, there is always warmth.
He takes a deep breath. The sound of which is loud in the silence.
“My mom…” He exhales heavily. “I don’t remember much of her, but she would say that the stars are nothing but the souls of all the people that have left the world. Scattered across the darkness, so that when we look up at the sky and remember their stories.”
And Mae frowns the longer she looks at him. “A lot of people are going to die tomorrow, aren’t they?” She speaks with sadness.
“Death is the only thing that’s certain,” he jokes.
And Mae doesn’t understand whether Levi needs to be comforted, or to be heard.
“You’ll do your best… I’m sure of it. And that’s all you can do Levi, that’s all that’s in your control.”
His eyes flit from the stars to her. And he feels a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“You’re so good to me.” His tone softens and he pulls her closer. And she doesn’t know whether it's the alcohol acting up, because Levi hardly gets drunk. Or if it's all the stress that's taking a toll on him.
A beat of silence passes by. And as she looks into the soft gray of his eyes, she realizes how quickly time is passing by. Like dust flying in a sandstorm.
Slowly she places her hand on the crown of his head. And her lips find the arch of his cheekbone.
She can feel the war on his skin. In his calluses and his scars, and the way his hardened eyes only soften for the bits when he’s with her.
Levi is his battle and half of that is hers.
She needs to be brave enough to let him go.
“Say Levi,” her voice lingers, uncertain with doubt. She questions whether the troubles on her mind should be picked apart now out of all times.
But time waits for no one
And she might never see the gray in his eyes turn blue in the sunlight. She might not see the new scars on his body. He might die tomorrow, erased from her life. Becoming a memory so distant, that she can only remember, never experience.
And if Levi dies tomorrow then the words in her mind will never get the chance to settle in his heart. “If I ask you for something, will you do it for me?”
He parts away from her, taking in the destruction on her face.
A thickness settles in his throat, and he frowns the longer he looks at her.
Because he knows he can’t give her anything other than his heart.
Hell, he can’t even assure her that he’ll come back alive. Because this mission will be dangerous, and if his death becomes important for victory, then he’ll have to sacrifice himself for the greater good.
“That depends on what you ask of me.” His voice comes out wispy. He feels like such a failure. These might as well be the few last moments he spends with her, and yet he has nothing but his own misery to share with her.
“If you die -” her lips shudder, pressing into a thin line. Words fail her, not able to slip out of her mouth without a sob.
“If you die… tomorrow, or whenever.” Tears fill her lash line, and she tries to blink them away.
She needs to be strong. She needs to be strong enough to convince him
“If you die tomorrow…, d-do you promise me that you’ll d-die happy? Will you think of how far you've come, instead of all your failures and regrets?” Her eyes sparkle, in the sadness they are trying to cage, but there is also so much love endowed in her gaze.
Because Levi stumbled into life, and then became her life.
Her biggest fear will always be losing him. But Levi doesn’t need to know that. Not for his sanity at least.
And so she pulls out the sweetest, fakest smile. Betraying the tears lingering in her eyes. “ Most of all, I want you to know that I’ll be fine,” her voice cracks.
“So…” Her fingertips shudder as they trace his jawline. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about leaving me behind if you end up dying.”
And Levi pulls her close. Letting her cry into his arms. After all, who is she trying to fool?
And Mae breaks in an instant. He can feel the violent shudder of her shoulders and the wet patches that her tears leave on his shirt.
His fingertips card through her hair, and his other hand slips underneath her top. He focuses on the softness of her skin, and her scent. And the bitterness of life hits him hard, as he hears her trying to suppress her sobs.
In the 4 years that they’ve been together, he’s not given her much. Not a comfortable life, not sweet flirty compliments or a million gifts. Not even a reason to stay honestly.
And only they’ve known what an abnormal relationship it has been. With meeting her once every three months, to letters that have been delivered to the wrong person. He has missed her birthdays. He has responded to her letters very late. And he’s always walked so close to death.
She’s been through hell just to be with him. And even now, she tells him to not worry about leaving her behind, instead of begging him not to die.
He feels so loved and privileged.
“You’re so strong.” he whispers into her hair. It’s his way of praising her selflessness.
“Really?” she manages to mutter despite her hushed cries. And he finds it so sad that she still doesn’t see herself the way he sees her.
“Mhmm,” he hums. “Humanity’s Strongest is telling you that. Are you doubting him?”
“To me he’s always been Humanity’s Cutest.”
“Tch,” He clicks his tongue. Somehow the nickname still annoys him.
The next day brings hell for both of them. And with gentleness, Levi picks Mae’s head up and forces her to look at him.
“Mae…” The conflict in his voice is palpable, but there’s also a strong resolution hidden underneath. “I can only make the promise you’re asking for, if you make a promise to me as well.”
“What promise?” Her brows furrow, and she looks up at him through her clumpy lashes.
And his lips morph into a bittersweet smile, as he holds her in his eyes a moment longer. “If I die tomorrow, or in the future…, then find another-”
“WHAT! NOOO.” Mae interjects, knowing where he’s headed with this.
“Find another man,” he mutters heavily, as he pushes her hair behind her ear and presses a kiss on her upper lip. ”A man who can make you happy and give you stability and security. Find someone who can give you a normal life… a family.”
“Levi noooo,” she whines, and as she looks up at him, fresh tears crowd her waterlines.
The sound of her sobs fills the emptiness of the night. She can’t love anyone the way she loves Levi. It has captured her entire being, and the man who comes into her life next, will be only left with the remnants that Levi leaves of her.
She shifts to her side, turning her back towards him. Maybe she’s childish, but Levi is being unreasonable too. How dare he ask her to find someone else, when he knows how much she loves him?
“I am yours and I only want to be yours,”she speaks with sternness. And Levi places her hand on the dip of her waist, but she picks it up and pushes it away.
“Mae..” his voice teeters at the edge of a plea. “I can’t give you the life you deserve.”
“You don’t have to give me anything Levi,” she turns towards him, almost furious. “I make my own money. All I want is your heart and your companionship… I knew the risks I took when I decided to be with you… And I'd rather be alone, than to find someone else.” she concludes.
And Levi has been alone too. But Mae has taught him how wonderful companionship can be.
He doesn’t want her to be lonely.
"Seeing me with another man, will that make you happy?" she taunts.
"Seeing you happy will make me happy…" he whispers with tenderness, as his fingertips wipe her tears away.
"If I tell you to find another girl after I die, would you do it?"
"No,” he answers, without pondering for even a millisecond.
"Then why should I?" She retorts.
"Because this relationship was something I never expected in my life. I am grateful to have experienced having one, and that is enough for me, but can you confidently tell me that you have never dreamed of getting married? Of having a family?"
His questions are met with silence. Instead Mae glares at him, too slack jawed to find her reasonings. And resolve slips so easily from her features, as she thinks about what she wants for once.
She’s always dreamt of getting married and starting a family.
The bitter truth hits home, and she curls into herself.
“But Levi…” her voice comes out feeble. “ I want all of those things with you… I want to live the rest of my life as your lover… and your lover only.”
A bittersweet smile finds Levi’s lips. He hopes she can experience the love that she’s made him feel. He hopes she finds someone who pampers her and gives her all his time in the world. And unfortunately that person can never be him.
"You're always going to be my only lover, the only woman I have ever laid my eyes on," he coos as he places a kiss on the crook of her neck. "You-you'll always be m--my girl," His arms around her tighten, and her cries get louder.
Destiny has made their love too strong, yet the world so cruel.
"Sweetheart," his voice quivers. He’d rather have a bullet in his stomach than to hear the painful sound of her sobs. "Please."
He feels like he’s only seen her cry these past few months.
And so kisses her, relentlessly, wholly.
It might as well be the last time he gets to do it.
Morning comes closer, and the stars start to fade.
And when they part, they rest their foreheads against each other. Stealing a moment’s heaven before hell falls on the earth again.
"If I keep my promise, will you keep yours?. Even if it seems incredibly hard.” She speaks against his skin.
"I will." he affirms with unwavering confidence. Their pinkies intertwine.
The world falls into the brink of dawn, slowly waking to the day that’s in front of them. But Levi and Mae remain still, not ready to move on yet. With their eyes shut and their foreheads pressed.
"When I die, look up to the stars for me… I'll be watching after you.” Levi breaks the silence. His voice is wispy, but awfully sweet.
"Will you be smiling at me?" Mae questions back with utmost innocence.
And he smiles in response, "only if you smile at me first."
The sunlight catches her features. And her eyes sparkle, both with pain and love.
His heart pounds, and he takes his sweet time, holding her in his gaze. If he were to die now, it would be a sweet death.
I don't have much to say hehe.
But I would love to know what you thought about the chapter!
I'm open to feedback as well!
See you next Saturday!
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hiii guys,
You remember the time I told you that Levi is shifting away for a reason (the Survey Corps headquarters relocation), and that reason will make sense later?
Well the reason is here in this chapter lol.
Song for this chapter is A Love like this by Kodaline.
It's just been a week since the fall of Trost, but the wonder that is Eren Jaeger has taken the world by storm.
Trost has fallen, the city devastated and the economy broken. But there's hope now... after all humanity has found a boy who can turn into a titan.
And in a gruesome court battle, Eren was handed over to the Survey Corps. His custody given to Humanity's Strongest, the only man who can slay him with no hesitation.
Erwin was optimistic. Hange was beyond excited. And Levi was quick to propose that the old headquarters at Jinae become the new station for the Special Operations squad. A place with a huge basement to keep Eren.
And also a place where he could keep Mae closer.
Trost in shambles, her house is in shambles too. And whilst the government is working on rebuilding the city, and repairing all the damages, Levi intends to keep her with himself.
A week has passed since then. And Mae has found little peace in her new role, as a cook for the Special Operations squad.
The smell of freshly made vegetable soup wafts through the air. The afternoon sun blazes through the window. And Mae cuts a bread loaf into slices. Grateful that she can spend the last few days of humanity with people that matter to her.
Arms snake around her waist, pulling her closer. A familiar scent engulfs and her back presses against hard chiseled muscles. She sighs as a chin rests on her shoulder.
"Levi! We are in the kitchen, and it's almost time for lunch, someone could walk in," she quietly reprimands.
"Sshh, it's fine... I told everyone to take 25 extra laps of the ground." And with that he snuggles his face into the crook of her neck.
The fall of Trost has changed him. He's become more affectionate towards her. More vocal even. He's already been too close to losing her once, and now he can't let his pride hold him back anymore.
"I'm just holding you... it's not like we're fucking here." He murmurs against her skin, before placing a gentle kiss on it.
The fall of Trost has changed Mae too. She doesn't let out a timid giggle when Levi talks about sex with the straightest face ever.
And Levi notices. He notices every little detail.
She cries so often these days. And she's always zoning out, even when he's talking to her about books and sunsets. It makes him feel helpless. Because he has nothing to give her, not even all of his attention. Because he's Humanity's Strongest first, and then her lover.
"How are you doing?... Are you tired?" He says as he turns her around, caging her between the kitchen counter and his arms. "Do you want Petra to cook instead?"
"I'm fine Levi." Mae smiles, but it doesn't quite meet her eye.
"You don't look fine."
And Mae's eyes soften, as she places her hand on his jaw. Feeling his stubble as her thumb strokes his cheek.
She's lost everything to the titans. First her parents, then her house and her clinic.
The only thing she hasn't lost yet is Levi.
And Levi is always knocking on death's gate.
The thought of losing him runs through her mind every second. It makes her tear up on the most random occasions. "I'm just worried...The bread... it's a little stale and we don't have enough vegetables." She lies through her teeth.
Even though Trost wasn't lost to the titans, the city was still left in a wretched condition.
So many businesses are shut close. The economy has crumbled. And people are starving on the road.
"I'm sorry," Levi says with such sincerity. The love in his eyes drains every ounce of fatigue from Mae's body.
And her nose starts stinging as she stands so close to crying, once again. Realizing that she can't live without him.
"Not your fault, honey." She says as she pecks him on his lips.
Soft knocks on the door break them apart, and they part in an instant. Levi quickly makes his way to the dining table outside. And Mae turns around and wipes her tears away.
The Special Operations squad steps in. Their skin glistening with sweat as they pant heavily for air. They collapse into their chairs.
As always, Levi sits at the head of the table. It's his position as the Captain. Olou tries to get a seat next to Petra. And Eren tries to sit as far from Levi as possible. Preferably between Petra and Mae. They are the ones who have been the nicest to him.
"Lunch is ready!" Mae exclaims as she steps out of the kitchen. Forcing a smile in hopes that it lifts up the mood in the room a bit.
One by one she brings out all the pots and dishes, placing them at the center of the table. And then she goes around, serving food to everyone. "I am sorry, the bread has hardened a bit. But I'm sure it's not stale."
Everyone starts digging in nevertheless. Grateful that they have food on the table.
Mae turns around, making her way back to the kitchen. But Levi is quick to catch her wrist, and turn her around. "Mae, where are you going?"
Eren stiffens as he hears the captain's voice echo through the dining hall.
"The kitchen's a mess... I'll clean it up and have food after that." Mae replies back.
"No, the food is hot now... have it now," he insists, eyeing the empty seat next to him.
And how can she not give in, when all she wants to do is spend every single moment next to him? She takes a seat, smiling as he puts food on her plate. Beneath the sadness she wears, her eyes twinkle a bit.
And Eren stares, because Levi doesn't glare at her like he usually does... More like he admires, with eyes full of reverence. The sight makes him choke up on his food.
"You got a problem with something brat?" Levi jabs, as he pours some soup into Mae's bowl.
"N-no sir," his eyes go wide and he stutters. "T-the soup has the perfect amount of sugar." He jabs the fork towards the bread, but it ends up hitting the ceramic plate instead. Oluo and Gunther snicker to themselves.
The table settles into silence soon. And everyone scarfs down their food, hungry from the intensive training the Captain makes them do.
But Mae sits idle, playing around with her fork. The food on her plate is almost untouched.
She's lost her appetite. She hardly feels like eating these days.
And Levi frowns as he throws her a glance.
Every time he looks at her, he can't help but think how much more happier she would have been with Ivan and Mr. Mendes.
She wouldn't have to see the horror of the titans. Nor would she lose her house and her income. And her eyes wouldn't be laden with tiredness from all the nightmares that torment her sleep.
She would have been safer, richer, happier.
And sticking to your love surely sounds beautiful, until things like security and stability come into the picture. Because when life competes against love, survival always comes first.
He feels like he's failed as someone whose duty was to protect her.
Beneath the table his hand lands on her thigh and he finds her hand. Interlacing their fingers together as his thumb draws soothing circles on the back of her palm. It's his form of apology, for not being able to give her anything.
"I'll be heading to town for a short while." Levi announces to everyone. "I need to get some groceries."
It's a sweet white lie. He's actually planned a little date with Mae. It's been long since they've gone out to spend some time together.
And he clears his throat, hoping someone picks up the cue, and plays their part in this pre-planned conversation.
But his certain someone is a little too lost staring at her food.
He kicks her foot under the table.
Mae jolts. "I'll be headed to town to get some groceries," she murmurs, rather awkwardly.
And Levi curses under his breath. Now they've said the same thing twice and everyone will get suspicious. Luckily his hard glare is enough to scare all of his members away.
Rest of lunch passes by quickly.
Petra, Eld and Gunther banter a little about Oluo's mimicry of the Captain. And Levi briefly mentions a new training practice he's been thinking of.
Eren sits in silence. Still not completely comfortable around the squad.
And Levi squeezes Mae's hand before he leaves, letting her know he'll be waiting for her in his office.
Everyone follows suit. Until it's only Eren that remains seated, on an now empty dining table.
"Are you still hungry Eren?" Mae asks as she gets up to pick the plates and pots from the table. "I can make a little snack for you if you like?"
And Eren smiles as he turns around to face her. "No I'm full, but thank you for the offer!"
"You're always welcome, " Mae chimes.
She gets to cleaning the mess in the kitchen, and when she's done, Eren still sits idle, looking around at nothing new.
The sight makes her frown a little bit. She feels so bad for the poor kid. He's treated like nothing but a spectacle by everyone.
She takes a seat next to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "Are you doing okay? Is someone bothering you here?"
Eren looks at her conflicted. The thoughts in his head aren't exactly professional, but then he does feel the safest around her.
"Don't be scared Eren... Captain won't hit you again... I can assure you."
And Eren knows the thoughts on his mind shouldn't be voiced out loud. But the burden he's carrying seems too heavy, and he'd rather take that off his chest, than let it bother when times are so crucial.
He scratches the back of his neck, rather nervous. "N-no... actually it's about you."
"About me?" Mae pauses, and the clogs in her brain start spinning. "Is it a bad thing?"
"I mean it is kinda scary." He mutters casually as he fiddles with the hem of his cape. And she almost laughs out of nervousness.
"I...I think Captain Levi has a thing for you." His words come out a little more timid than usual. And Mae's jaw drops, taken aback by Eren's confession.
Levi and her try their best to keep their relationship a secret. She refers to him as Captain in public. And she's also been allotted a different room, so the fact that she sleeps in Levi's quarters isn't exactly a public affair.
"Really?" She slaps her hand over her lips, trying to hide the small smile that forms on her lips. "That's crazy."
"I know right!" Eren gasps as his blue eyes grow wide. "I never thought he'd have the emotional capacity to like someone." Then his shoulders slack and he lets loose... "It's been on my mind since forever... but don't tell anyone that I told you this. Especially if the Captain gets to know... that would be the end for me."
"Are you sure, though?" She raises an eyebrow up, knowing fully well that his answer will flatter her.
"Pretty damn sure..."He huffs, ready with a mental list of all the out of character things he's seen the captain do. "Yesterday during breakfast, he kept an entire plate of fresh fruit aside for you, with strict orders that anyone who touched it would get cleaning duty for the entire week... And he always leaves the spot next to him empty whenever you're around... The other day I also saw him smile to himself as he picked out a wildflower from the forest, after a training session." Eren rambles. "You could ask him out I guess. I know it's scary... but I think he likes you enough to be really nice with you."
And a hearty chuckle escapes Mae's lips. Are these really the thoughts that drift around in Eren's head?
"Plus I don't think he's ever touched a woman before."
"Eren!" she gasps sharply, before she lets out a giggle.
"No, I'm serious." Eren grumbles. "You ask him out, he becomes happier, treats everyone better.. I think he might go easier on me too then."
And Mae listens with a big smile on her face. Waiting to see Levi's embarrassed face when she breaks this news to him.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
Days have gotten busier as the day of the mission approaches closer. And nights have grown restless, passing by in a fleeting second.
It's been a tiring day, and Levi is glad that he can finally set foot into his quarters and retire for the day.
The gears of the door knob shift into place, clicking as they unlock. And Levi sighs, impatient to see Mae.
He nudges the door open and slips inside the comfort of his quarters, and when he turns around, his eyes are welcomed by the sight of her.
She's seated on the couch, with a knitted blanket strewn across her legs. And he can't help but think how the brown of the blanket perfectly compliments her beige colored dress.
He smiles to himself. Voice lost in the influx of nervousness and the beauty of the moment.
So he just tosses the newspaper in his hands towards her as he ushers over. "Someone's getting famous.." he teases.
"Leviiii..." Mae whines, as she looks up at him. Her cheeks turn rosy, and her smile is something that she fails to contain as she reads the headlines again. 226 injured soldiers treated single handedly by a 27 year old doctor.
Pride beams through her, and for once she feels like a hero. Equivalent to her lover in terms of all the good things he does.
She pats the spot next to her, her eyes soft, filled with gratitude. And Levi's hand automatically finds its way to the top of her head, as he ruffles her hair with affection.
She throws her hands around him. Making herself comfortable as she places her head on his chest. The sides of their thighs press and he drapes his arms around her waist.
"I love you so much, " she giggles into his chest.
The words make him emotional. they always do. They have the same effect that they had when she first said them to him. He is capable of being loved, it makes him think.
"Thank you." She mutters thoughtfully.
"Why are you thanking me..." He questions. "It's your achievement, you should keep your chin up"
"Because this is something I would have never achieved if I would have been with Ivan, or any other 'normal' person.... Because being with you Levi, loving you always pushes me to my limits. My patience, my courage, my faith, it tests everything." She looks at him, eyes sparkling with admiration. "I know it worries you, the way we're living right now... but it shouldn't. I'm content having stale bread with you!"
His eyes widen, softening immeasurably. And his lips part, a little lost for words.
"Cooking is so much more fun than being a doctor anyways..." Mae continues. " I mean the worst thing you can do is add sugar instead of salt. But there are no lives on the line... There isn't much stress. Being a doctor was never my passion anyway, I just did it because it was a good source of income."
And Levi hums as he listens to her. Leisurely, pulling her closer, knowing that moments like these are only rarer.
And Mae shifts, straddling him with her hips. Now his back presses against the couch and she stares into the deep gray of his eyes.
Her eyes trace over the lines of stress on Levi's face, his dark circles are deeper than she remembered.
And she feels scared. Scared that she's going to lose him any moment.
The thought looms over her like a heavy, gray cloud, ready to burst. And it rains often too. In moments of his absence when all she wants is his embrace. And even in moments when he's embracing her, because can't live without him.
Sometimes all she can think about is how she'll not be able to see him one day. Even when she's between the pages of an amazing book.
It torments her every second. And the fear of not being able to feel his touch anymore, is soul crushing.
And she doesn't know how Levi has lived with this feeling all along after seeing the wreck that the titans cause. He's stronger than she ever imagined. But she's not built of steel and iron like Levi is, her heart is much feeble.
And she might be sinner, attempting to take Humanity's Strongest from the people that need him the most. But she wants him safe, she wants him all too herself. It's not like they have all their lives to live together anyways.
"Won't it be amazing," She leans in, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Me being a baker, and you being a tea shop owner... in some peaceful place inside the walls. Like the north." She ruminates.
"The tea shop..." Levi's voice trails off, almost wistful. "I completely forgot about that dream of mine."
And Mae's lips quiver. He keeps aside his own dream, and adapts to the vision of the Survey Corps, even though he can easily leave them behind and open a tea shop. For the limited time they have on this land.
But this is just who Levi is, selfless to the core.
A mournful smile traces on her lips, and she pushes a strand of his hair, behind his ears. On the verge of crying again.
And Levi senses her sadness, and pulls her closer. "You want me to massage your head and light up some scented candles, to help you with those nightmares you've been getting?"
She smirks against his chest, It's all the things she usually does for him, to help him sleep better. "You're playing the doctor now?"
"With you aren't I always the doctor, with the way you trip and fall-"
"That was just once Levi, and that was years ago..." she cuts him off. Because against contrary belief, it's not women, but Levi who is the king of bringing the tiniest things up.
"You fell off the ladder and broke a couple bones."
"The ladder had a few loose screws," she justifies.
"And I told you to trash that shit out months before.... But you still climbed the ladder, what were you trying to play then... Humanity's Strongest, huh?" he smirks, raising a brow up in amusement.
And she leans closer to him, until the tips of their nose press together. "I was trying to play Humanity's Strongest wife," she coos with a condescending smile.
Levi gulps, as his heart hammers in his chest. Her as his wife, it's a fantasy he can't afford to imagine at such critical times.
And Mae giggles, as she pokes his reddened cheeks. It's a habit that has still stayed with him, even after 4 years of togetherness.
"W-What d-d-o y-you need for the n-night?" Levi stutters. The conversation turns into something more serious and the atmosphere turns somber
Mae's nightmares have been relentless. Every night it's the same vivid imagery of Levi with his lower body pressed between a titan's teeth. His screams echoing in her ears as the titan munches onto him.
And every night her eyes search for just one thing.
She doesn't know how she'll live without him.
"I just need you with me." a tired sigh escapes her mouth, and she rests her forehead on the crook of Levi's neck. Sometimes she feels it's better to not sleep at all.
"I'll be with you.... In whatever form you need." He tightens his hold on her waist as he pats her head.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
APRIL 850
Time passes quickly when you are in peril. From the court case to win the custody of Eren Jaeger, to the mission the Survey Corps took him for. One month has passed by, in the blink of an eye.
From the day Levi first picked his own squad members, to the day he sees their abolished remains tossed behind in Titan territory. Time has passed by.
Another staggering failure. The words of Petra's fathers still echo Levi's head. And he doesn't understand why he is endowed with so much strength, when he's unable to rescue anyone with it.
His shoulders wilt, and his vacant gaze falls to the long road ahead.
A blink of an eye was all it took for reality to change. And he failed to be with his squad when they needed him.
Eren, clearly shaken up by the event as well, slowly follows behind him. The kid can barely contain the tears that drop down his eyes.
It's an unusual feeling, to travel as a pair when they've always been a group of 6.
Soon, the silhouette of the headquarters comes into vision. And Levi feels his head bow down. All of a sudden the castle looks way too big to house the people here. It's only 3 now, him, Eren and Mae.
He parks his horse in the stable and limps to the bathroom. The pain in his left ankle seems nothing compared to the loss of his squad. And shame is quick to consume him, as he faces himself in the mirror.
His clothes are filthy, splayed with the blood of his comrades. It suits him, he doesn't deserve to wash off their death just so easily.
Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Eren standing outside. And Levi sighs, partly annoyed. Maybe the poor kid just needs some company.
And so he brews them both a cup of tea. He talks a little more than usual, hoping to cheer Eren up.
Next thing he knows Erwin is already coming to the castle, to have another meeting.
Everything is moving too quick. Slipping past his grip and Levi feels like he is unable to grasp anything.
Suspicions of who the female titan might be fly around. And a plan is fabricated to catch the imposter, when the Survey Corps reports to the Capital. Tomorrow.
Erwin and Hange leave to prepare the artillery for the upcoming mission. Eren leaves with his friends from the 104th.
And Levi finds himself all alone, with his thoughts and the solitary, dwindling candlelight.
He rests his head down, fingers digging into his scalp.
The war outside is something the soldiers are always prepared for.
But the actual war starts once the mission ends and you're forced to process everything. When every action and its consequence crush you from within.
And this war is unbeatable, because you are standing against yourself.
Sometimes he doesn't understand what he is fighting for. The pain never seems to end, and the payoff is never worth all the deaths.
A shaky breath escapes his lips. And he drags all his pain to his quarters.
The door creaks open, light slips past the slit and falls on Mae. She's asleep on the couch, with his cloak wrapped around her figure. The sight makes the warmth in his heart rekindle.
She probably fell asleep waiting for him. Unaware of how tragic the output of the mission is.
And his feet move without thinking, and he takes a seat next to her sleeping figure. Subconsciously she opens her arms wide, recognizing his familiar scent.
Her arms wrap around his neck somehow he squeezes himself on the couch that's supposed to fit one.
Levi gulps as he rests his head on her chest. The thump of her heart drowns the noise of his thoughts.
His eyes get heavy, and he closes them shut. Maybe in grief, maybe in relief.
Slowly, slight snores escape his mouth and his face melts into a peaceful state. And only when Mae is sure that he is fast asleep, does she press a tender kiss on the top of his head.
Hoping he knows that even with all his imperfections, to her, he will always be perfect.
So this chapter covers all of season 1.
Canonically, the old palace was the old Survey Corps headquarters where Levi's squad shifted during season 1. That's the main reason why I made Levi shift in chapter 21 too.
Also long distance adds more drama too lmao.
I hoped you liked the chapter, let me know what you think. (Constructive criticism is welcome!)
I'll see you on next Saturday!
Thank you.
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hello!
This chapter is really long, and its 3 in the morning. So I'm sorry if there are any errors. (but do expect it lol).
I had a really fun time writing this chapter, and a horrible time editing this lol. It was me realizing that what I've written is not good at all lol.
Nevertheless I think the chapter is in a decent state now.
Song for this chapter is My tears are becoming the sea by M83.
It's 10 in the morning, and the streets echo with the clatter of horse-drawn carriages and the rhythmic click-clack of shoes. People hurry to work and shops begin to open their wooden shutters.
Vendors yell, as they sell fruit and bread to workers walking in haste. It's rowdy and loud. And the stray cats dare to sleep in a corner of the husting pavement.
It's just another mundane day that flows its usual course.
And Mae sits on the edge of her bed, holding the painting of her and Levi that she keeps on her nightstand.
She faintly remembers the lingering kiss he pressed on her forehead. The sun hadn't risen then, and she was a little too sleepy to decipher the sweet words he was mumbling to her.
When she woke up, her bed was cold and the sun was out.
The day had begun, not waiting for anyone. And Levi was outside the walls. Back to being the dutiful warrior, scourged with the responsibility to save the world.
"Do your best Levi, be a good soldier and I'll try to be a good doctor too." She mumbles, after planting a long peck on the painting.
And she picks up her briefcase, and walks into the day.
Flowing along with the fast pace of the world.
The months of March have always been hot. Heat envelops the ground in a sweltering blaze, and Mae's hands feel clammy the moment she steps out.
"Good morning Doctor," a voice calls from the crowd, and she swivels around.
A familiar mop of blonde hair filters through the passersby. It's Julie. The trainee who's been interning under her for 4 months now.
Time has flown and it's already been 2 years since she decided to start her own clinic. And by God's grace, everything has played out well. Her clinic has become quite popular, and there's always a line of regulars at her door.
"I met Michael yesterday, he told me to pass his thanks to you." Julie says, as she catches up to Mae.
And Mae's chest swells up with pride. She remembers the scrawny boy infected with a fatal case of jaundice. "Oh that's lovely," she chimes. "I'm glad he's doing alright now!"
They continue trekking forward the uphill slope. Her clinic is just a few minutes away. The incoherent chatter of the pedestrians fills up their own lack of conversation. There is peace in such chaos that is so known.
Then, a loud boom intrudes. Loud enough that Mae has to press her hands over her ears.
Light forks through the clouds, piercing through the air and dissolving into the land. Electricity cackles through the wind.
Lightening. So close to the wall
And Mae keeps a hand over her beating heart, reassuring herself that it's just lightening and that's all.
Wind starts blowing with ferocity, so fast that Mae can hear it ripping past her ears. Heat surges past the walls, as if charged with a jolt. And the ground starts trembling. As if all natural disasters ever known to mankind are crowding up this very moment.
Birds flee from the tree tops, scared, and stray cats dash towards the inner parts of Trost.
And confusion hovers heavy, on everyone's mind, as they stand unsure of the catastrophe that has fallen upon them.
Time stills, it halts, it rots.
And Mae's breath gets caught in her throat as a giant muscular creature arises past the wall.
Its face red, with an angry glare. The Colossal titan.
An eerie silence spreads through the town, like forest fire. And every mouth shuts close as the gate that protects humanity bursts into pieces a second later.
Broken shards of the gate get hurled into the sky. Its pieces, huge and small.
Smaller pebbles fly higher, fall further. A few land on Mae as well, digging into her supple flesh until blood sprouts out. It's a rain of devastation.
The chaos around helps reality settle. And people start to push, pull and run. The end is near, the titans have returned and death is the only thing that welcomes them with open arms.
Julie darts for the inner gates as well, frantic and fearful.
But Mae remains frozen.
Her house... it was just 5 mins away from the gate of Trost.
Sheer curiosity mixed with fear, makes her stagger forward. And she gets up on her toes, hoping she gets to see her house standing straight, like it always is.
But the world is cruel, and hope is only meant to be crushed. Just like her house that now stands in complete ruins.
The walls she decorated with so much love, the roof she built so many wonderful memories under. It's all lost now. Demolished and bygone.
Replaced by a boulder and a mound of destruction.
The pebbles littered around start to rattle and the ground thumps a cry for caution.
The titans enter through the broken gate, and Mae shudders at the way the earth trembles with their every step.
She sees the creatures who have taken everything from her. Her parents, her friends, and who threaten to take her lover as well.
A smile stretches on their face from one end to another. As if this is all fun and games. And Mae feels any ounce of hope disseminate.
Stones start rolling, picking up a pace. Windows shatter under the sheer force of their pace. And Mae feels the ground reverberates, as a titan enters the alley she stands in.
When its predatory gaze falls on hers, time almost pauses.
The thumps of the titan get louder as it walks closer. And Mae feels each of its footsteps jolting through her frame. The hair at the back of her neck stand in fear, and her life flashes in front of her.
She reminisces about how much she has missed her mother's embrace and her fathers voice. And maybe it's time to finally go back home. Too a place where things will always be peaceful.
The moment makes her feel so weak but so grateful. So fragile, yet so strong in her surrender.
And so she sits there, in an unusual state of calmness. She's never been much of a fighter anyway. She's always accepted destiny the way it has come to her.
"GET UP MISS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" A soldier shouts from behind.
The hooks of his ODM gear attach to the crevices on the walls beside her, and he swings forward with full force. Forcing his sense of duty to overcome his fear.
And she witnesses the terror of the titans.
A single swat is all it takes.
As if these trained soldiers are nothing but mere flies, a toy for them to play with.
The blood of the soldier splatters to the ground. And his body breaks into two with an abominable crunch. His upper half now dangles down from the titans mouth, and his gut falls to the floor.
In the background, the clink of silver echoes, the clash of the blades, and the sound of the ODM zipping through the air.
At this very moment, countless other soldiers are also fighting the titans. They grunt, they yelp. They scream for help.
"Levi," the word leaves her lips like a mantra. For a moment those are the only words she can recall.
And her mind pieces together the picture of hersilver eyed lover, with words of steel and a heart of unfathomable strength.Her staunch lover, fighting against all the odds, with so much determination sometimes she wonders where it all even stems from?
All of a sudden she can't fathom the hell Levi goes through on a mission. All of a sudden, she doesn't know whether he'll make it alive either. Because hearing stories of the titan's devastation is nothing compared to personally experiencing their soul crushing power.
And she can only trust that he will do everything to come back alive as well, because she won't leave him alone in this hellhole.
Her shoulder still hurts, fresh with the small pebbles stuck inside her skin. But the strength in her heart is so much more than that.
And so she gets up and runs. She gets up and runs while the titan is still busy devouring the soldier.
She runs at the imagery of Levi sitting by her grave, completely numb. Regretting opening up his walls to someone who left him as well.
Her knees feel weak, and her heart burns with exhaustion. But the desire to survive pumps through her blood. She can't die at this point.
Not when she and Levi still have so many things left to do.
The gates that lead inside Rose soon enter her vision.
It stands blocked not by people, but by a giant wagon.
And in front of it, stands Reese and his men. Reinforcing their dominance.
"THE LAND OF SINA WILL NEVER PROVIDE FOR US." Reese yells, as he stands defensively in front of the wagon. "THIS IS TO HELP ALL OF US." He hides his selfish motives under the fickle name of philanthropy.
Five of his men try their level best to push the wagon through the gates. But the enormity of the wagon repeatedly makes them fail. Countless lives are on the line at this very moment, countless lives are being sacrificed to buy time for every breath.
"Julie!" Mae gasps in between her rushed breaths. And she jogs towards the familiar face. "What's happening here, why aren't we being let in?"
"Doctor!' Julie chokes as she lunges forward and wraps her arms around Mae." I'm so sorry I left you behind... I just panicked and couldn't think." Her eyes are wet, brimming with tears. And Mae can feel her fear with the way she shivers in her embrace.
"It's okay... everything will be fine once we get in." Mae pets her back comfortingly. "You're going to go in and see your family, right?
"But he isn't budging, " Julie sighs as she breaks the hug. "It's been a while, he isn't listening to anyone..."
Cries echo in the background and Mae winces at the sound. Soldiers are dying every second and yet here, time is being wasted over a silly fight like this.
Minutes pass by slowly, the tension is palpable, but Reese stays adamant. And the fight only breaks off when heavy thumps start echoing through the ground.
A titan dashes towards the crowd. Sprinting fast with his hands unusually flapping around.
Soldiers trail behind it but fail to keep up with the pace it rushes in. The color drains from Reese's face. And people start squeezing towards the gate, faced with death once again.
Miraculously, a soldier zips forward, and catches up to the crazy momentum of the titan.
It's a girl.
Her build is strong and muscular, and her red scarf trails behind her as she cuts through the air and slices the titan's nape with ease.
In a second the titan falls to the floor, deceased. And Mae can only imagine that watching Levi slay the titans would be as much of a wonder, as watching her is.
Reese gives up on his wagon as soon as the girl's blade lands on his shoulder. And Mae's chest swells up with pride for all these soldiers fighting selflessly for the people around her
It only takes about five minutes for all the crowd to filter through the gate. Finally in a place that's relatively safe.
The citizens of Jinae are already lined up against the canal, fighting to get into the last ship on the port. And now the people from Trost start rushing too. There is no way everyone would be able to fit into a single ship.
A group of senior Garrison soldiers overlook the evacuation. Asking people for money to enter the ship. It's probably a strategy to weed out the weak, after all everyone knows that the land of Sina, isn't enough to sustain the entire population.
And civilians fight. They leap over the canal. Push past the lines, and fight, just to get a spot on a ship that's so close to leaving. .
Julie checks through her pocket "Oh! I have the money," she sighs in relief, almost darting towards the line of people who stand privileged and cashed.
But she stops when she notices that Mae still stands behind, with her face downcast.
"Doctor... don't you have the money?" The question hangs heavily in the air. And Juile's face turns mortified at a beat of silence that passes by.
There's a fight everywhere, with the titans and also amongst the humans. The only people who don't fight are the soldiers who sit wounded on the bench. Defeated in every sense.
"It's unfair and cruel, how these soldiers are selflessly fighting for people that are rushing to leave them all alone in this hell hole... " Mae confesses in a timid whisper. "And the fact that I'm a doctor and I could possibly be of help makes me feel even worse."
The truth hardly matters in the face of death. Survival is what comes first.
"I'm sorry doctor...I can't stay and help them," Julie urges, her voice thick with emotion. "I have a family waiting for me. And staying here is as good as dying... We don't know when the armored titan will come... And I don't want to die yet... not now when I have hardly achieved anything for myself."
In a way Mae sees a version of herself in Julie as well. The girl who would do anything to save her family. The girl who would always look after herself.
Levi would want her to run away as well. Get as far from the walls as possible. She remembers all the times he would wake up, from his nightmares. Quaintly silent and tired, and how he'd mutter to her all the ways she should escape from a titan, if the gates of Trost ever break.
But it just doesn't feel right.
Not when she knows she can be of help, and soldiers are dying left and right.
After all, these are Levi's men.
The men who fight alongside him. The men who he's promised to protect.
In a sense, she feels responsible for them as well.
And Julie knows Mae's choice is made, when Mae picks her briefcase up with a bittersweet smile tugging on her lips.
"Take care doctor," she wistfully says before walking away.
A couple moments later, the ship departs, crowded to the brim.
Silence fills the place. And the chaos calms in the most unsettling of ways.
The port is empty now, but the roads are crowded. People wait for another ship, shaking their feet and biting their lip in nervousness
"Here, let me help you." Mae walks over to the wounded soldiers and lays her equipment next to them. Her briefcase opens with a click. But the soldiers don't look up, not even when she crouches down next to them.
Turns out most of them aren't even soldiers yet, they're just graduates.
They sit mangled and broken. Taking a moment's rest before duty calls them again.
No one knows what will happen next. The armored titan can appear any moment.
And Mae finds both distraction and solace, in healing these soldiers who sit so defeated.
She wants to see Levi. She wants to see Levi so badly that she's ready to step out of the walls just to catch a glimpse of him.
It's the only thing she wants to do before she dies.
And these soldiers that she tends to are the only thing that's closest to him. Their influx is constant. It's almost overwhelming how they all jump over the wall. Fleeting from the hell that is Trost.
It takes almost an hour for another ship to come in. And hope dares to seep back as the sound of a ship's whistle pierces through the air. People rush, as if life has been breathed into them. The commotion comes alive again.
"Mae..." A familiar shriek reaches her ear, and she swivels around to find Raz rushing towards her with tears brimming in her eyes. And Mae leaves her equipment aside and runs towards her too.
"Raz!" She pulls her into a hug. "I'm so glad you're alright... I thought you must have boarded the ship already, what took you so long?"
And Raz holds onto Mae tighter as she catches her breath.
A second later, her lover arrives too, taking his place next to her.
"Everyone in the city left, there were no carriages, nothing, I had to run all the way," She pants. And Mae smiles as she sees the way Raz's lover looks at her, with the gentlest of gazes.
A couple of abusive relationships later, Raz has finally found someone worth her love. And Mae couldn't be happier.
"Come let's board the ship, and get the hell out of here." Raz's fingers wrap around Mae's wrist and she pulls her along, to the line of people waiting to get inside.
"Raz! They are asking for money!" Mae warns. "50 pennies per person."
"50?" Her lover speaks up. His voice falters and his fingers fumble through the compartments of his wallet. And with the most heartbroken of looks, he says, "I only have money for one."
Raz's lips fall into a thin line and she starts digging her nails into her skin. It's something she does when she is extremely nervous.
The clock ticks. And past the wall are soldiers fighting for every moment's survival.
And Mae knows that when Raz is stressed, she can hardly think.
"What will you do Raz?" Mae intercepts. "Run to your house that's miles away. Might I remind you it took you almost 45 minutes to reach here in the first place?... We don't know when the armored titan will appear and break the gates again."
"THEN WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING MAE?... Waiting here for another ship to come here and running back to get the money is the same isn't it?." Frustration quells Raz's tone and her voice breaks into a sob.
Her lover pulls her into his arms. And Mae can see her shoulders quiver as she cries into his chest. "It's okay honey, you can go... I'll wait for another ship," he mumbles into her hair.
And now both of them have partners, who truly care for them. They have found love, they have found hope. They have found someone worth fighting for.
And so Mae draws out her wallet, and picks out the 50. "Here I have the money for one ticket," she says as she hands the notes to Raz
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?" Raz's eyebrows contort in rage and tears spill out of her eyes. "THAT I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND LEAVE YOU BEHIND?"
And Mae places both of her hands on Raz's. Enclosing the money into her palm with a sense of calmness. "I'm telling you to go with your lover... while I'll wait here for mine."
━━━━━━━━━━━━
The air outside the walls always feels fresher.
But the blood that slowly drips down Levi's hand feels stale. And the hand he is clasping onto slowly runs cold.
"He's gone," Petra wistfully mumbles as she silently cries. And Levi squeezes onto it tighter hoping to force back some life into the corpse that lays in front of him.
Another dead, just like countless others.
"Did he hear everything I said?" he asks. Hoping that the soldier found some solace in his words.
"Yes captain... he must have." Petra smiles. "Look at his face, it's so peaceful."
And Levi sighs. Beautiful lies. They're all beautiful lies.
He promises his men that he'll annihilate all the titans. That their sacrifice wouldn't go to waste. But he wonders if he's capable enough to actually keep up with all the words he spouts.
"Good," he mutters, as he stands up. There's a mission in front of him, and a promise that has to be completed.
"LEVI," Erwin calls out, as he rushes on his horse. "We need to pull back."
And Levi's face contorts to one of disobedience. "Why...?" He sneers. "You damn well know that we can push further.... My men didn't die for us to retreat."
"The titans are heading south, towards Trost. It's just like 5 years ago."
And Levi is quick to hop his horse and gallop ahead, a single thought running through his head.
Mae
It feels like time has stopped its usual passage. It's heavier now. And every moment feels all too slow yet all too fast at the same time.
The ruins of the buildings blend into grasslands. The tall trees, the luscious grass, and the vast sky blazes past him. Everything is a blur now.
And Levi's hands tremble, even as they hold onto the reins of his horse.
"You need to calm down, Levi." Erwin says, as catches up to him. But it falls on deaf ears.
And he continues speeding ahead all by himself. Not caring if he's left all alone in titan territory.
Because every minute wasted here could be her last moment in this world.
And the rate of his heartbeat only escalates as he reaches closer to the gates.
It's just like 5 years ago. A breach in the gate, and titans crowding at the small entrance.
A lump forms in his throat. And he hooks his ODM gear into the crevices of the now breached wall, jumping upward and flipping over to the other side.
His eyes are red with both rage and panic. And he swiftly slashes the 2 titans that stand just at the entrance, and he lands on their corpse
His eyes scan through the destroyed town. The edges of the town are completely shattered. Littered with half eaten bodies, boulders and splatters of blood. Answers await him here. He hopes they are in his favor, he hopes she's made it alive somehow.
There's three kids behind him, a little too frazzled to give a coherent response.
"Oi brats, what's going on here?" He asks them.
But they hardly utter any words. And so he launches the hooks of his gear, and darts forward. Into the familiar lanes that lead to her house.
Everything stands shattered. Rooftops fallen and houses crushed under boulders. And he freezes mid-air when he sees the condition of her house.
It's hardly recognizable now. Only a single wall stands. Everything else lies in a mound of destruction.
His landing is rather forceful, knocking the air out of his lungs. "Mae." He chokes, his voice barely above a whisper, as he walks towards the ruins.
"Mae... where are you?" He calls out again, just the way he would after he was back from a tiring trip. He starts digging through the debris, lifting up the heavy boulders one by one, to catch a glimpse of the off-white midi dress she would always wear to work.
Somewhere in the ruins, he finds the painting of both of them, crushed under a huge slab of wood. His breath shudders. Fingers trembling as he carefully takes the pieces out from the frame.
Its glass has shattered, and the drawing inside is torn.
The sight breaks him. And he falls to his knees.
She looks so happy here, with her smile reaching her eyes. And he was happy too, even though she'd forced him to sit down for hours to get this painting done.
And now they are torn apart. His face is crumbled, and there's a rip that stretches from the corner of the page to her face.
A heavy lump grows in his throat. For a moment he's unable to process a single thing.
No knife can hurt him, because his skin is hardened with scars. And no tragedy can hold him back, because he's drowned in misery all his life.
But the loss of a love that he's never felt before can indefinitely break him.
And he sits there in shambles.
Time has stilled, and peril still hangs around. He must get up and get going, but he can't find the will too. He's lost his determination, his calm, his soul, his everything.
And all that remains is his physical body, that cages him to this hell of a world.
"Levi," Erwin's voice rings somewhere in the distance. But he doesn't find the energy to walk towards it.
Urgent taps break him out of his reverie and Levi turns to face his commander. "All the civilians were rescued... some of them are in Jinae, while most have started moving past that already. In fear of the Armored titan."
And as always Levi finds a glimmer of hope in his sky blue orbs. "You think she's alive?" he cuts through, still in disbelief.
"She must be... " Erwin says, with a reassuring smile on his face. "Now go! We can easily handle the rest here."
And Levi heavily gulps, throwing a grateful nod, "Thank you... Erwin."
Hope glimmers in his heart, like a spark of a fire. And with that he races towards the inner walls, with his momentum so fast, that his fuel runs out.
He harshly crashes on the top of the wall. The skin on his knees scathes.
But his body is immune to the pain. And his feet carry him forward with a will of their own.
He runs through the horde of soldiers that stand on the top of the wall. Eyes scanning past everyone, searching for her familial short stature. Every breath he takes, is only with the intention of finding her.
"Have you seen Mae? Dr. Mae Edler?" He urges frantically.
Logically thinking, none of the soldiers could ever possibly know who Mae is? Or focus any attention on her with all that was happening around.
But Levi is desperate. He has lost the ability to think straight.
And all he gets in return, are blank stares and puzzled faces. It makes him frustrated, but he's still relentless. Unyielding in his faith to find her alive.
And he can only hope that somewhere, someone would have seen her safe. Boarding the ship to Sina. Away from this hell.
And so he pushes past the crowd. Uncaring that his carefully built stoic facade is now falling apart,
"Have you seen Dr. Mae Edler around?" Every soldier he bumps into. "Do you know Dr. Mae Edler? Have you seen her around?" He asks the same question
"Dr. Mae Edler... please tell me you know of her?" It's the only statement that leaves his mouth.
"Are you talking about the doctor on the top of the wall?" A soldier finally tells him something resourceful.
And Levi runs as if there is no tomorrow.
Heart racing, muscles burning and eyes glossy with unshed tears.
His pace slows when her voice falls on her ears. "Morris, get me some more bandages and some salve from the closest hospital." She commands a soldier who isn't as injured.
And soon he spots her tiny figure. Overwhelmed by the sea of injured soldiers that crowd around her.
She's seated on the floor, with all her medical equipment layed out in front of her. And Levi notices the way her back slouches with tiredness. Levi notices the way her lips tremble, as she holds back her own cries.
Her hair is disheveled, and her face is smeared with dirt. And perhaps what makes her beautiful is not her appearance, but what she does in her courage.
He wants to crumble in her arms, and let her kiss his tiredness away. But she's out there, working. Keeping her duty before him. Keeping her logic before her emotions.
He couldn't have been prouder.
And so he takes a seat on the wall, watching her work from a distance.
The top of the wall slowly starts to get vacant. As soldiers start to settle into Trost, looking for food and accommodation.
Erwins taps on Levi's shoulder, informing him that he's headed for a meeting with Pixis. Hange excitedly tells him that two titans have been trapped and can be finally experimented on. And it's only when the sun starts to fade, that Mae finally tends to the wounds of the last soldier.
And slowly Levi makes his way towards her. He's waited so so long to hold her again.
"Doctor," he mumbles in a rather gruff voice.
And Mae swears her heart stops for a few moments when she's met with his gaze.
The flame of life begins to rekindle again. And shards of relief, hope and faith crash as normally as they can.
"Levi..." she breaks into a sob . She thought he wouldn't have survived, but now he's come back to her, just like he always does.
Her arms stretch out, and wrap around his neck, and he lets her pull him down to the floor.
The crowd on the top of the walls has almost disappeared now. And the sun is setting as well. Flurries of white cloud, and pink sky meet above the setting sun.
And Mae and Levi hold each other close. Their wounds are still bleeding, and their body still aches. But their hearts have been mended immeasurably.
"Come doctor, let me dress your wounds now," Levi murmurs fondly, as he presses a kiss on the top of her head. His eyes are moist too, heavy with all the emotions he's felt.
And Mae nods against his chest, with the biggest smile on her face. Grateful, that she's finally home.
The world is still full of war, fear and destruction. But there is love and magic between them.
And so, hope prevails.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
The evening sky is dull because of all the smoke that clouds up.
Plumes of black soot rise up, following the vibrant blue like a shadow. Vultures hover around the town, flying around in circles. Their cries are ominous and piercing, and their gaze is stuck on the feast in front of them.
Cinders float around in the air, mixing with the air that people intake.
And Mae stands alongside the group of people that circle the empty ground, watching the bodies of the dead soldiers being burnt.
The scene unfolding tastes so bitter. Valiant soldiers who died protecting their people but didn't even get a burial. Instead they had to be burned. It's what had to be done, to stop the spread of an epidemic.
The searing heat makes it difficult to breathe, or maybe it's not the heat at all and just the fact that the end is near. And it's not just death that lurks around the corner. Its extinction.
Mae's shoulders tremble, and her eyes burn with unshed tears as she looks at the sight in front of her. And all of a sudden all the warnings Mr. Mendes gave her, hit her in the gut.
And all the desperate things he did to live in the interior make sense.
From the safety of her home she could have never comprehended the impending doom, and the threat that the titans were.
It's been hours since the fight, but the smell of death hasn't weakened. The feeling of dread hasn't disappeared.
The town is in ruins. Houses crushed, walls scorched, and people conquered. And all that remains now is this painting of devastation.
So much had happened today. It's all too overwhelming.
The breach in the wall was blocked by a big stone, by some Titan kid. It was the first victory humanity had ever tasted. Nurses and doctors arrived as soon as Trost was declared safe.
And since Mae had stuck around since the start, the military officials made her the chief doctor for the rescue operation.
They had to scout through the ruins of her town, identifying the dead, and disposing of their bodies, so an epidemic doesn't spread.
Harsh decisions had to be made. And it was disturbing to see all the dead bodies that now littered the streets she used to travel in everyday.
Severed limbs and blood was everywhere. And some of the faces were mangled so brutally, they weren't even recognisable.
Worst of all was the titan puke. A giant ball of mangled, half eaten bodies mixed with blood clots and internal organs. And Mae had to stay there, tasked with identifying all the dead bodies stuck in that lump.
Losing count of all the times the sight made her puke.
The tears slip out with ease. She just can't hold them in anymore. She's tried to stay brave and composed all day now.
And she wraps her arm around herself, in an attempt to steady her shuddering heart. It feels dizzying to even stand upright.
"Oi, doctor," A voice calls out. It's familiar and it puts her heart at ease a little. She looks up and her eyes meet Levi's.
"Follow me." He says with a stern look on his face.
And Mae follows Levi thoughtlessly.
To everyone it just looks like the Captain of the Survey Corps, calling the chief doctor to discuss a plan. And Levi makes sure to keep his cold facade until they walk deeper, into the more congested parts of the town. One packed with tiny houses and shops.
Slowly then, he slips his hand into hers.
The streets get darker, the settlements lay abandoned and the only light glimmering is from the torch Levi holds in his other hand.
A few minutes pass by, and then he halts at an alley's corner.
He keeps the torch aside, and pulls her into his arms. Lovingly, dotingly, gently.
And Mae finds herself in a place that is warm. Squeezed between Levi and the wall. For a moment it feels like everything in this world will be alright.
Her distress falls out in the form of loud sobs, and she buries her tears away into Levi's chest.
"I'm here... I'm here." He coos as he pets the top of her head.
It's the only solace he can provide, because no one knows what the future holds. No one knows if things are going to be alright tomorrow. And no one knows if they are going to get to spend another day together.
They can only preserve this moment of sacred silence.
Nothing has to be said, because the both of them are scared. It can be felt in the way Mae's shoulder trembles despite the warmth of Levi's embrace. And in the way Levi's breath shudders as he places a lingering kiss on her forehead.
In a spur of the moment, the world has changed. Obviously their relationship will also never be the same.
The doom of humanity isn't a distant idea talked about in religious books any more. It feels tangible now. Like the only place they are headed towards.
"Come let's have some rest.... You look like shit, you've been working all day." Levi offers as he wipes the tears rolling down her face.
"B-but my h-house... my house, i-it's gone."
"You'll be staying with me, obviously... silly." He flicks her forehead, and ruffles her hair. "Erwin has booked a room in a hotel for us."
And they walk through the dark, narrow streets together.
Midway, Levi finds the painting of them that lays in his pocket. Now torn and ripped apart by cruel fate.
He'll ask Moblit to replicate this painting he thinks to himself. And he'll also tell him to make another small copy of just Mae. So that he can keep it with him, in his wallet.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
Mae wakes up with a jolt. Her heart hammers violently in her chest, and she looks around petrified.
Beads of sweat roll down her forehead, despite the cold temperature of the room.
And her breath comes out in ragged gasps.
Darkness surrounds her. The sky is black, the walls look dark, and the candles placed on the side-desk are slowly running out.
And Levi stands at the door frame, aghast.
Mae is up in her bed, back slouched, and hands clutching on to the sheets.
Her eyes are bloodshot, and her entire frame is trembling.
The sight makes him lurch forward.
It's probably a horrible nightmare that has left her in such a state.
"Mae," he calls out, but she remains distant. As if her soul is still trapped in another world.
"Mae," he gets on top of the bed. Closer to her, and closer to the details of her wreckage.
Her eyes are blown wide, tinged red. And she's biting her lip so hard, he's scared it will draw out blood.
He cups her cheeks, and tilts her head towards him. "Hey... what's wrong?" He murmurs dotingly.
And Mae's hands still tremble as she reaches them towards his shoulders. They tremble so much that Levi can feel the fear that rattles deep within her bones.
He leaves a peck on her lips, hoping it brings her back to this world. But she still remains trapped, in a part where he can't reach her.
He pecks her again, peppering her with kisses that slowly turn desperate. The tip of her nose, the center of her forehead. He kisses her everywhere
For a moment she doesn't move, a little too shaken and distraught. And slowly her hands snake around his neck and she pulls him closer. Desperate to feel the thud of his heart against her skin.
"Titans.... Death... Blood everywhere. " Her words come out as an incoherent mumble against his skin.
"It's okay, I'm here... I'm here, I'm not going to let you die." He speaks as he rubs her back.
And Levi looks so confident, as he flashes her a smile of reassurance. Not an ounce of doubt or fear on his face, as if without a second thought, without a bit of regret, he'll sacrifice himself to save her from her death.
So brave, so strong, so admirable.
"I'll protect you with everything I have, sweetheart... I'm not going to let you die that easily, on my watch... You know that, right?" His words are so sweet, like honey to her ears. To most it will be unbelievable that Humanity's Strongest can muster up a tone this soft.
And when she looks back at him, her eyes carry enough grief to drown the rest of the human population.
But it was you who died in my dream, Levi. Who's going to protect you? Who's going to look after you?
The plot of AOT has officially started!!!!! It's time to take your tissue boxes out lol.
I don't know if I have mentioned this earlier, but as Mae is a civilian, she wouldn't be playing a really big part in the AOT plot itself. She'll be more like a bystander.
Something I really wanted to highlight here is Mae's character growth. (From a character who would panic and freeze up at the sight of blood (chp2) to someone who can keep her duty above her emotions)
Let me know what you think, any comment and feedback is always appreciated.
Next chapter will be out on Saturday!
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hi guys!!!!
It's been long, and I'm so sorry for the delay. So much has happened in the past 4 months... I've completed an intense internship, graduated and gotten broken up with even though I wasn't even in a relationship LOL.
But I've got good news now! I'm almost done with the entire fic (only 2 chapters left). And from next Saturday, I'll be uploading a chapter every week again (Every Saturday)!
Song for this chapter is Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Vitamin String Quartet
Birds chirp as the sun wakes from its slumber. Making the night fade, as it lazily appears past the horizon.
A gentle breeze slips through the window, tousling the white curtains. And sunlight enters, landing on Levi's eyes, stirring him from his sleep.
The hearth dimly glows from the fire he was stoking at midnight. And his bed is warm and messy.
Mae is pressed close to him, her back to his chest, and his hand around her waist. And she sleeps like a log, with the sound of her soft snores filling up the space.
Long gone are the days when he used to stutter at every word he uttered. The bumpy rushes of adrenaline have now softened. And the giddiness he would face when he had to see her, has now been replaced with comfort.
He pulls her closer to him, feeling the rise of her belly with every breath she takes.
She has finally saved up the money and bought her own clinic. The place is good and close to home too.
Life has been going good. They're doing well together.
And Levi spends a few more minutes lazing around, steeping in how sluggish the morning feels.
Mornings with Mae are usually like this. Lazy and slow. They cuddle for a little while after they wake up, and then they cook breakfast together.
But today, he has a mission to go to. Slowly his senses come to wake.
The scent of blood faintly mixes with air, and he looks down to see Mae's dress stained. She's menstruating, and her blood has blotted the white sheets as well.
"Mae," He pokes her shoulder, but she's in deep sleep.
"Mae," he calls a little louder.
Groggily one of her eyes open.
"Hmm," her morning voice is hoarse.
"You're bleeding... go change." he nudges, as he gets up to make his side of the bed.
But sleep still hangs heavily on her eyelids.
And Levi's words fall on deaf ears.
"Wanna sleep some more," she whines. Eyes still shut, and drowsy. There was an emergency at her clinic yesterday, she came home very late.
"Mae," Levi urges again as he flattens out the creases on the bed, "It'll get dirtier the more you sleep, just get changed and sleep again."
"I know.. But I'll clean it later", she turns away from him, annoyed. Her body hurts a bit, and she's so sleepy, she's hardly able to keep her eyes open.
"It's harder to take stains out the longer you wait... It will take me 5 minutes to clean it now."
"I'll scrub extra hard." she mutters, pulling the blanket over her face.
"You hardly scrub anything," Levi grumbles, throwing a snide remark about the general state of the house. There's dust everywhere, and there's a few dishes in the sink that have been lying dirty for 2 days.
Mae gets up now, sensing the annoyance in his voice. She props herself on her elbows and her eyes squint as she slowly adjusts to the brightness. "I've been busy Levi... "she mumbles. "The clinic has been taking so much of my time..."
And Levi grunts in response. He knows she's been busy, And he understands why the house is a little messier.
But his temper still rises at the site of her laying, making a bigger mess this very moment.
Maybe it's the stress of the mission today. Maybe it's how lazy she is being. He doesn't know what's making him snap so badly, but at this moment he just wants to be right.
And compassion slips so easily from his resolve. He's usually patient, but he can't stand messes that can easily be avoided.
"I know it's hard, but it's not hard to get up now and change the sheets Mae..." he growls. "The sheets are white, and you're staining it this very moment goddamnit!" Frustration catches the ends of his words.
But her stomach aches, and her head hurts, all she wants is a few minutes more, before she gets up. She hardly has the energy to catch all of Levi's words.
And Levi's brows furrow. Her aloofness is the final straw.
Time ticks loud, yet slow. "Get up I'll clean it myself," he commands, and the voice that comes out is the one he uses at all his soldiers.
He starts tugging on the sheets, and Mae feels it slip past her body. All she wanted was to sleep for a few minutes, and Levi wouldn't even let that happen.
"What's your problem?" She gets up agitated.
"I'm taking the sheets to clean them."
"I'll clean them in a while, what's the need to do it now?... Especially when you have a mission to go to." She almost yells and her face contorts into anger.
"Because it's getting on my nerves." he seethes through his teeth,
And Mae scoffs exasperated, as she starts pulling the bedsheet out too.
"You're so difficult at times. Do you know how hard it is to love you?"
Regret fills her mind as soon as the words slip past her mouth.
And Levi's eyes widen, his body tensing. Her words hit a weak spot.
Her words aren't far from the truth. And he has nothing to say to her. Maybe that is why it hurts so much.
And he's quick to turn to his feet. Hiding the fresh wound of her words, away from her.
Mae follows after him. 'Levi, Levi, sweetheart," she calls out.
But he successfully ignores her. Hurt immeasurably by her words. He picks out his clothes from the closet. And closes the bathroom door shut.
He finds comfort in the shower, where he doesn't have to see her anymore.
When he steps out, he's already sporting his Survey Corps uniform.
Mae stands in front of him. A new bed sheet has been put on the mattress and the old one is bundled up in his hands. She tried to clean the stain in the kitchen sink, but with no success.
But Levi's eyes are cold now, and he sports the same face he puts on for the rest of the world.
The tension in the room is constricting. It was such a trivial topic, who would have known it would escalate so quickly.
"Levi," she pleads. But it feels like her voice only annoys him further.
"Listen to me please." She drops the stained bedsheet, and she rushes behind him. But nothing can stop him now. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean those words," she apologizes.
She didn't mean for it to come out, he thinks.
He rushes down the stairs, and Mae stares at him with remorse.
There's still 2 hours left before the Survey Corps arrives at Trost and leaves for the mission. And Levi has nowhere else to go.
She decides she'll make him his favorite breakfast.
But he picks up his bag and boots.
The door slams shut.
________________
The wind rips past Levi's ears, as his horse gallops past the open fields.
A few red flares went up, then there were two purple ones. Too many titans have attacked the east wing.
And Levi finds himself steering his horse away from his squad, towards the besieged area. He has to make sure the titans don't penetrate the formation further.
Grass fields stretch for miles in front of him. There's hardly any trees around, for him to use the ODM gear on. And he also doesn't know where he'll park his horse. Because some time soon, he will have to be in the air, suspended with the cords of his ODM gear.
The wind blows in his face and the afternoon sunlight feels warm against his skin for a blissful moment. But soon the atmosphere turns into something grim and sinister. And Levi's horse almost panics. Raising its forelimbs up in resistance.
The smell of blood wraps around like a thick blanket. In the distance, he can see a few titans devouring his comrades. They've all gathered between two tall trees, and he hopes he can find someone alive, hiding behind a tree's dense canopy.
He maneuvers his horse forward. And as soon as he reaches close enough to the titans, he launches himself into the air.
The grass is stained red, and corpses are littered on the ground. Some slumped against the tree trunk.
And Levi winces
Seems like everyone's dead already. It was useless, coming here.
A titan turns towards him, and he pulls out his blades. The wind propels him forward, and he flows like the breeze.
The way he moves is an art that could be studied.
It comes naturally to him, and he pivots mid air, effortlessly reaching its nape, and slicing it. More titans turn towards him, as the first one falls to the ground,
They swat recklessly, and Levi dodges their wonky arms with ease.
4 down 3 more left. There's not an ounce of panic in his body. His hand reaches down to grab another blade, but it's met with nothing.
He quickly scans the tallest tree around him, and lands on it. To a spot where the titans can't reach him. And he looks down to find his ODM gear empty.
He's running out of blades. And far in the distance he can see his horse galloping away from the chaos of the titans.
Tch, what a big blunder.
The only thing saving his life at the moment is the height of the tree. And he clicks his tongue, disappointed at his carelessness. He should have borrowed some extra blades from his squad before coming here.
Titans accumulate around him, like moths to a flame. It will be hard to escape through them even if he had all his blades restocked.
And if things are going according to plan, then the rest of the Survey Corps must be somewhere in the North East, way ahead of him. They probably won't even see his flare.
Nevertheless, he uses his purple flare. Hoping someone finds him worth saving.
Time ticks slowly, and he is forced to play the waiting game.
Death stands a meter away from him, trying its best to grab him. And he's left with nothing... but the rotting corpses of his comrades and his thoughts. And he's so helpless, call it his own negligence or bad luck
He sits down on the branch. At least he's distracting the titans from wandering further into the formation.
Exhausted, he slumps. Rotting in the scent of his dead comrades. As the events of the past few hours fill up his idle mind.
He was waiting at the stables, sitting on a wooden stool next to his horse's stall.
He had nowhere else to go. The streets were filthy and soon they would be swarmed by people bustling to earn their daily bread.
It had been an hour since he had been sitting here. And Mae didn't come to bother him yet.
He didn't know if that thought hurt him, or kept him calm.
Maybe she was on the road searching for him.
He threw another glance at the Trost Clock Tower.
It was 7:45 am. Just 15 minutes left, before the Survey Corps entered Trost and he left with his squad. He had never felt so eager to step out of the walls.
And he fiddled with the hem of his cloak, to kill time.
Heavy footsteps pounded the footpath, and his eyes met with Mae's.
She had changed into a fresh pair of clothes, and she carried a tiffin in her hand.
Her face morphed into that of relief as her eyes landed on him.
"Levi, she breathed.
Beads of sweat rolled down her forehead, she was panting.
He could tell she ran, to be here as soon as possible.
"Levi," she huffed, keeping her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. "I washed the sheet ... it didn't take me too much time."
All he wanted was to keep the house cleaner for her.
But the argument wasn't about the sheets anymore. Her words had cut deeper.
They still rung in his head, making it ache. Deep down he'd always known that he was a pain in the ass. And maybe what hurt was the fact that she thought so too.
"Levi," she tried to grab his attention. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said."
And in a childish attempt to protect his own heart, he turned the other way around. A part of him didn't even know how to face her. He was the one that was hard to love after all, not her.
"Come on now, it was such a silly fight! I know what I said wasn't silly, but I got breakfast for you, since you didn't eat anything." She kept the tiffin on his lap. "Don't go on a mission empty stomach please."
But he placed the tiffin, next to his stool, on the floor.
The next time Mae's voice reached his ears, it was wispy. He could tell she was on the brink of tears.
"Please just look at me." Her words teetered on the edge of a plea.
But Levi remained callous as usual. Even if he's miserably hurting on the inside, he pretends to act unbothered. At least that way, he looks strong.
And Mae felt her heart sink from his constant rejections...
She sat down on her knees, between him and the pavement. Hoping that he looked at her at least once. "Am I annoying you? Do you want space? Just tell me you need space, but don't leave me hanging in uncertainty Levi, please."
Partly, he himself didn't know what he wanted. It always took him a while to figure out what he was feeling and why he was feeling so. And he surely didn't want her to see through.
Fortunately, luck favored him today. The clinking of the city bell broke the floundering moment. His facade stayed put. And he got up without an ounce of remorse, to put a saddle on his horse.
And Mae slumped, looking down at the ground, time had run out, and Levi seemed unbothered by all that she had done so far.
Her belly hurt from the cramps. And her heart felt dizzy with guilt . "Levi," she turned around, with the last of her hope.
She didn't want him to leave for the mission on such a bitter note.
But he was already in front of his horse. Waiting to get away from her.
She rushed towards him.
"Levi." Tears started filling up her eyes. He could tell by the subtle change in her voice. "Please say something...Tell me that I'm full of shit."
Her hand latched around his wrist, begging. And her voice cracked with a tinge of pain. "I love you," she confessed.
It was a tradition She always told him she loved him, before she left for a mission.
But Levi didn't turn around, he just shook her hand off, and got on his horse. His vision steered at what lay ahead of him.
The sound of his horse marching partially covered the sound of her silent sobs.
Like a hammer striking a fragile mirror, the fact that these might be his last few moments on earth sinks into his mind.
And he tries hard, to think of all the good times. But all the lovely images of her smiling morph into those of her begging him to forgive her.
Someone like him knows how fragile life is. One moment a person is next to him, and the other moment they are gone. And how he wishes he had turned back around, and kissed her.
The titans below him, drool. Stretching on their tippy toes to reach towards him.
And desperately, his eyes scan through his surroundings, ardent for a solution. But all he sees is two more titans wobbling his way.
Every time he comes back from the battlefield, worn out and tainted with blood, all he wants is to see her, and hear his name from her mouth.
But now that feels like a distant dream.
And if he dies today, then the last memory Mae would have of him, is of him ignoring the shit out of her.
The thought makes him die a little. And he would trade an arm and leg to meet her one last time.
Because her love is so strong, it paralyzes him to the core. Her love is so persistent, it makes him want to live for a 100 years in this shitty world.
Some days it's the only thing that makes him fight harder.
And if he dies today, then she would have to live without knowingthat she's the best thing that's ever happened to him.
His mouth runs dry at the thought, and he starts drumming his fingers, anxious. There's so many things that he wishes he could have told her.
But he'll only be able to survive three days without food and water on this tree top. And it'll be pointless to step down even at night without a horse.
The smell of rotting corpses gets stronger. And maybe it's fair for him to die in such misery, after how much of a failure he's been.
He slumps against the tree trunk.
His hope goes down faster than the setting sun.
And it's almost as if God has listened to his prayers, when a tiny dot approaches closer and closer in his direction.
It's silhouette becomes more prominent, and Levi squints to make sure his mind isn't playing tricks on him.
The Survey Corps cape flaps with the wind, victorious.
And Levi feels as if a new heartbeat has come up in his vacant chest. He stands up on the branch.
Soon he can distinguish the familiar set of brown hair, and the wide rimmed glasses.
Hange, his heart brims up with relief.
The world has given him another chance. And even though he knows he's not good enough, in no way is he not taking up this offer.
It's not often that life is so kind to him.
He waves his hand at Hange. And with how empty the landscape is, they are able to spot him with ease.
The flock of titans remain distracted, their primal gaze set on Levi's lean frame. And Hange finds it fairly easy to get up on her horse, and dart towards the branch Levi is on.
They swoosh past two titans, landing on the spot next to him.
Luckily their horse doesn't panic and run in the opposite direction.
"Hange," Levi sighs in relief. In this moment he feels like he could hug them out of sheer gratitude. "How many blades have you got?"
"Not a lot, there's only three."
And there's 7 titans surrounding them.
"Three will do," his voice is determined. And he launches himself into the air, ready to slay the titans in front of him
He would fight against the world to see her again.
________________
The weather is lovely today, filled with the mellow rays of the setting sun. Birds chirp around the corner, and the streets are quiet, devoid of the usual chatter that flocks around at this hour.
It's 6 in the evening on a Thursday. And there's only one thought on Levi's mind as he strolls through the lanes of Trost.
His heart skips beats, out of both nervousness and excitement. And the bag in his hand feels heavy, filled with fresh ingredients that he's just bought from a fancy market.
The walk to Mae's house is surprisingly short. And there's not many things that Levi feels excited about in life. But surprisingly this dinner is.
He stares at the familiar wooden door, thinking about her face, when she sees the candlelight dinner and the food he's made for her.
There's steak, and cheese. And he's also got her some freshly baked strawberry pastries and chocolates to help with her menstruation.
He picks the keys from his pocket. Their jingle sounds like a melody to him. And a rare smile tugs on his lips, as he twists the knob.
He has to remind himself to catch a hold of himself.
The door creaks as it slowly opens, and all the excitement in Levi's heart sinks to the floor. Mae is sitting on the couch, with a puffy face and half of her blanket scattered on the floor.
His eyes widen and he curses under his breath. It's a Thursday evening, she was supposed to be at work. But she's in front of him instead, in the middle of a sob session.
The air feels thick. And the sight of her sobbing makes his heart hurt. Nevertheless he dares to step in.
He slips off his boots and places them on the shoe rack. The keys to their house jingle in his pocket. And the sound of his footsteps is oddly comforting.
And Mae frowns the longer she looks at him. Little did she know, that the sound of his movements was all her hurting heart needed
The past four days have been hell for her. Levi didn't come to see her. It was as if he's disappeared.
And the only source that kept her from believing that he had died, were the rare few people who saw the Survey Corps enter in the thick of the night.
And so she was forced to take a day off today, unable to function with the uncertainty of where their relationship stands.
A fresh tear slips past her eye. And Levi places his bag full of groceries on the center table, extremely jittery himself. The candles he bought for the dinner will probably go to waste. But there are more important matters that require his attention, such as her miserable condition.
He knows he's the reason behind it, and quietly he takes a seat on the other end of the couch. Fingers tapping profusely against his knee, as he racks his brain for what to say.
And Mae seems apprehensive as ever. Looking up at him, through her clumpy lashes, with her arms folded against her chest. He never knew it was possible for her to look so angry yet sad at the same time.
"A-are you still b-bleeding?" He hesitates.
"It's gone now, doesn't last more than 4 days for me." She rebuttals. And as much as the coldness in her voice scares him, Levi knows it's his chance to make it up to her.
Timidly, he scoots closer to her, his hands reaching for her face. But she pushes them away.
It's been 5 days since their fight. She thought that this was the end for them. And now he just shows up as if nothing ever went wrong between them
"What took you so long?" she grumbles pissed. But the tears in her eyes betray.
And with a lot of courage, he pulls her head into his chest. "I'm s-sorry... I was too embarrassed to face you... b-because I was s-such an asshole. "
"Embarrassed?" She scoffs as she looks up at him. "And here I am losing hair over whether you'll come back... or leave me forever without any explanation." Her face has turned red, her nose is stuffy, and her eyes are so glossy. He swears they will be swollen the next morning.
"I'm sorry." His voice is heavy, laden with guilt.
A part of his mind hates himself. She deserves so much better than him. The thought runs mercilessly in his head. He just wants it to stop, but he can't escape it.
And it's ironic indeed that the only person he trusts enough to silence his doubts, is also the person that causes it. Mae
He tucks some of her hair behind her ear. "D-do you think I'm being selfish, by keeping you all to myself?" His voice is low, and he looks away from her, as he lays her insecurities down. Bare in front of her.
Her eyebrows furrow, and she tilts back to look at him. "What do you mean?"
"I know it's not easy for you, t-the arrangement we have, I'm too busy... You see me once every three months... I don't know, it's just something I often think about."
And Mae frowns. It's a wound that keeps resurfacing, no matter how hard she tries to make Levi feel loved.
At least he's letting her know how he feels though. That's progress.
"Levi," her voice is gentle. And her patience with him melts every ounce of doubt in his mind. "Loving you is hard, but it's also something I love doing... It's something I do willingly."
All her resentment almost fades away when she's met with the vulnerability that swarms his eyes. She's so close to forgiving him, but then the anxiety of the past four days comes haunting back to her.
"You put me through so much pain ..." She pushes against his chest and turns her back toward him. " I thought you wouldn't talk to me ever again... I know I shouldn't have said it's hard to love you... But I was mad, I didn't mean it. You could have at least told me that you need space and that we'll be fine? But you just left me hanging for like 4 days straight."
The pain in her voice is haunting, and out of desperation, his calloused hand wraps around her upper arm. Turning her around until her palms land on his chest, and her head rests on his heart.
"I'm sorry, I- I was a prick, I felt awful at first and I didn't even want to look at you... maybe because what you said was so true."
And then he cups both of her cheeks, cradling her. "I didn't think about how much me staying away would hurt you... I should have been more understanding."
His face is so close to hers, she can see every scar and scratch on his face. And the way he looks at her is so apologetic and genuine. She would have never thought he was capable of showing so much emotion.
She closes the distance between them. Desperate for a kiss.
Their flaws have started coming out now.
Mae is messy and always leaves the bedsheets undone when she leaves her bed. And Levi has a habit of seeing flaws in everything, always pointing out the smallest mistakes. From the salt in the soup she made, to her cleaning skills... even on days when she doesn't want to hear it.
Mae cries a little too much when she misses her parents, and Levi becomes a total workaholic when the deaths of his comrades haunt him.
Slowly their colors are coming out and what is left is the true image of what they are...
In their raw, most vulnerable form.
Their gaps and shortcomings. Turns out they aren't as much of a perfect fit and not every part of him interlocks with hers like a jigsaw puzzle.
Levi pulls away, admiring how pink Mae's lips look from all the kissing. She's alive and so is he. He couldn't be more grateful.
Another tear slips past Mae's eye. This time it's a happy one. And she rests her heavy head on his chest. "Thank you for telling me how you feel, I know it's hard for you, and I appreciate that, Levi"
They've found home in each other. And home doesn't have to be perfect, home just has to be warm.
And Levi caresses her hair, as he kisses the top of his head.
"I-I love you." His voice comes out confident. And he glides his thumb against her cheek. It's not a feeling he's ashamed of anymore. "And I don't ever want to lose you."
And Mae's eyes widen. She never thought he would say it out loud. But if he has, then he must truly mean it.
In the split of a second, her lips crash back into his. Her heart jolts, and in her sheer enthusiasm, she tackles him to the couch.
He lands on his back, with her hands on his chest and her thighs straddling his hips.
Instinctively, his arms snake around her waist, keeping her safe. And a flurry of I love you too's leave Mae's lips as she pecks his lips again and again.
The room falls away.
Something electric sparkles between them. A desire that can't be explained.
He kisses her again, and again, and again. He never wants to stop.
His hand slips past the hem of her shirt and he squeezes the warmth of her skin. The shyness that once held him back, doesn't bother him anymore, not when he's reached so close to death's gates.
And Mae freezes for a second. With her eyes wide, and her face flushed red. They have never gone this far before, and she squirms for a second.
But she can't even budge. Curse Humanity's Strongest and his strength.
And Levi's eyes glint with fondness as he pauses and cups her face. "Should we stop?"
The familiarity in his voice is all it takes to put her at ease. And Mae finds herself settling in both of his palms.
A part of her is afraid and inexperienced, but it's also Levi she's with. He's been with her through everything. And there's no other person she'd rather do this with.
Slowly she relaxes into him as well. And his other hand reaches the back of her neck, guiding her into another kiss.
"The curtains are closed right?" He whispers amidst kisses.
And Mae just nods, too stumped to answer.
His hands rove all over her frame, and she tugs on his hair as the kiss turns more passionate.
The obstruction, named clothes, falls off effortlessly. Landing on the floor in an untidy mess. The outside world ceases to exist for a moment, and Levi and Mae ease into intimacy they've never experienced before.
To all those who are still reading this book, despite my erratic updates, you have no idea how grateful I am to still have you here!
To all those who have lost interest, I don't blame you at all.
Just incase it wasn't clear enough, this was the chapter where Mae and Levi get intimate (for the first time). I wouldn't be going into more detail of explicit scenes than this. So if anyone's reading for smut, this is your sign to click off. Also if anyone's wondering why are they getting intimate after 2 yrs of dating, then that's because I think Levi would have a lot of apprehensions when it comes to sex (because of his mom being a prostitute). So I would think it would take him really long to get comfortable with the idea of doing it.
Lately I've been thinking that I've been writing Levi a little off character lmao. (since the past few chapters lol). But let me know what you think about it, I might make a few tweaks later, when I'll edit the whole book.
This chapter might seem like a filler, but very soon things are going to pick up pace, and after that there's no going back lol. I wanted to show a little bit more about Levi and Mae's relationship before the plot of AOT starts.
Let me know what you thought of this chapter! Constructive criticism is also appreciated. Also if there are any grammatical errors please let me know lmao.
I'll be seeing you very soon! (On Saturday)
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hi guysss!!!
I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!
It's similar to the Trost fair chapter, if anyone remembers... but the scene is rewritten. And scene 2 and 3 are completely different! Also, if you find any grammatical errors please comment about it to let me know!
The streets are muddy, the clouds are gray, and Levi shakes off the muck from his boots as he stands in front of Mae's door.It's been a minute since he's been knocking on her door, and still there's been no answer.
His lips pull into a frown. As much as he hates to admit this, he likes to be welcomed by her jumping into his arms.
His fingers slide down to his pocket, bringing out the spare keys to her home that he always keeps. And he opens the door.
The walls have been repainted yellow. She's knitted colorful pillow covers to keep on the settee. His favorite books are all stacked on the shelf. And the kitchen is always stocked with all kinds of tea.
His gaze turns soft as he takes it all in. Mae has taken her sweet time to make her house theirs.
He climbs up the stairs, making his way to the bedroom.
The curtains are drawn close. And Mae sits on the bed, huddled in a thick blanket. Her face is almost red, and her eyes are dull, clearly unwell. The sight makes Levi freeze at the door frame.
"I knew it was you...," Mae beams with pride, her voice scratchy. "I could tell by your footsteps."
Her forehead is burning up, and it hurts to smile through the pain. But she's so ecstatic to see Levi, she can't help herself. "I want a kiss." Her lips shift into a cheeky grin, and she stretches her arms forward, towards him.
And Levi leans on the doorframe, meters away from her. Unsure of what to feel.
They've only kissed a few times before. But the thought still knocks the wind right out of his lungs.
"N-no, you are sick. Stay away from me." He somehow manages.
"Humanity's strongest can handle a little fever, can't he?" She teases.
"Tch.. y-you're so gross." He pivots and walks away. Only to come around a minute later. With his hands cleaned, and his clothes fresh.
"You're burning up." He scolds as he keeps her hand on her forehead. "How the hell did you end up like this?"
"The weather change-" she coughs.
"Ssh," he silences her off. "Don't talk, your voice is almost gone."
He goes back down again and comes up with some water in a bowl and a clean napkin. "How many times have I told you to not be so careless," His voice is almost angry, but Mae doesn't miss the concern woven in it. "And why didn't you write to me and let me know that you were unwell?"
The tray is set down on the nightstand. And he drags the chair from her work desk, to sit next to her.
"It's just been two days, and a letter takes a week to reach... I'm sure I would have been fine by then."
"Tch," Levi frowns. He dips the napkin into the bowl of water. Squeezing it out and putting it on her forehead. It's cooling, and Mae shuts her eyes close. Warmed by his love.
"Should I call a doctor?" He suggests, a few minutes later.
"Levi! I am a doctor..." she retorts.
"Well congratulations then Ms. Doctor, for falling ill." He grumbles, pissed. The space between his brows is crinkled, and he seems incredibly focused keeping a wet cloth on her forehead.
The relentlessness in his actions gives away his stress.
And Mae doesn't understand why he's getting so paranoid over this. It's a simple fever, that's all, nothing she hasn't had before.
It takes her a minute to realize that his mother died of sickness, too. And perhaps what is making him act this way are the wounds that have been left long forgotten.
Her face softens, and she places her hand over his lap.
"Take a breath Levi. I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon." Her hand lands on his, she gently squeezes it in reassurance.
And Levi's icy blue eyes widen for a millisecond, before he catches himself. Then he grunts, pressing his lips into an unamused line.
"Try to sleep, instead of staring at me," grumbles. He grabs her shoulders as he helps her lay on her back. Then he tucks her in the blanket, for good measure
"You're not mad that I'm unwell, right? I know you're here to take a break... but I don't have anything prepared as I was sick yesterday too..."
"No shithead, why would I be?" he questions, as he blinks at her. There are words buried in his lips that are hesitant to come out. But somewhere down the line, he knows they'll make her feel better.
"I," his voice trails off. "I-I'm glad t-that I'm here and you're not alone, having to take care of yourself."
And Mae's eyes light up. She's blessed indeed, to have someone as wonderful as him next to her.
Her fingers interlock with his, as he sits on the bed, next to her.
"Baby," she sighs. Tempted to bring his hand to her lips and peck it.
"Tch, is that your way of calling me short," Levi's face turns serious all of a sudden, and he raises a brow.
"What noo!" she exclaims, "Raz found herself a guy, and he calls her baby."
"That's such an uncommon thing to call your partner, is he a pedophile or something?"
Laughter escapes past Mae's throat at that. Trust Levi to make the cutest things dark. And then she starts coughing.
He turns her to the side, and starts rubbing her back.
"But isn't it cute." she pouts.
"Tch," Levi clicks his tongue in disdain.
"But Leviii, " Mae huffs, her brown eyes sparkle playfully. " I don't want to be 'brat' anymore, I want to be 'baby'."
"Well unfortunately for me you are a brat and a whiny baby as well." Levi smirks.
"I knew you weren't going to give in to this, which is why I'll find cute nicknames for you instead!"
She ponders for a minute.
"Sweet cake?"
He frowns.
"Okay Mr.Frown Face, how about buttercup then?"
"You're horrible at this" he blinks.
Thunder cackles and raindrops run down the window like tiny rivers. The overcast sky dims the room further. The sound of rain fills up the space, but the dreary weather doesn't dull the mood.
And when Levi places the napkin on Mae's forehead again, her heart races.
"Cupcake?"
"Ew."
"Pudding?"
"Not at all."
"Sugar Plum."
"Mae," Levi sighs, exasperated and partially embarrassed. "I'm an army officer who has killed hundreds of titans with ease. I'm Humanity's Strongest for god sake!"
And Mae sports a toothy, teasing smile. Fully knowing she's the only one who can get away with this. "But... but you were Humanity's Cutest before you were Humanity's Strongest."
And Levi looks back at her. Turning pink and ridden speechless.
"Okay how about pumpkin pie then?"
"I'm not the menu card of the bakery you dream of opening in the future."
"But all my desserts will be inspired by you and you only."
And Levi tries his best to act annoyed. But she has flustered him too much now, much against his own wishes.
He decides that someday if they ever end up having kids, he'll never let Mae name them.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
Sunlight slips past the narrow gaps in the curtains, making the dim room a tad bit bright. The morning sun rises past the trees, making the world get up from its slumber.
And the first thing Mae sees when her eyes open is Levi.
He's on the chair next to her, fanning her body.
Sitting exactly where he was, before she drifted to sleep.
And slowly the clogs in her brain start spinning.
"Levi," she gasps, almost horrified. "Did you not sleep at all?"
"I'm alright..." he mutters, but there's a softness in his gaze. "You're doing so much better now, I guess the wet cloth helped."
Surprisingly, he's not grumpy after not sleeping the entire night. Instead there's a tiny smile playing on his lips. He's happy she's gotten better.
"If you're feeling good, I'll do the other chores then." He says after a few minutes.
And Mae sits up at that, propping herself on her elbows. "I'll help too, my fever is almost gone-"
"No, you rest," he shushes her off by keeping his hand on her forehead. "Take it easy today."
And truly, Levi doesn't let her lift a finger.
He mops the floor. Cleans the cobwebs on the ceilings. Dusts the shelves.
And Mae watches, stuck to her bed.
Now he's sitting on the carpet, with his back to her. Folding all the freshly laundered clothes.
Guilt gnaws at the bottom of her stomach. He's stepping out for a mission the day after tomorrow. And yet she's making him work so much.
It's him who deserves rest, not her.
"I'm sorry for making you do all of this." her voice comes out timid. Still hoarse from the cough that has accumulated in her throat .
His actions pause, and he thinks for a moment, before answering. "Actually I like it... Makes me think of the type of life we would have if the titans didn't exist...Just the two of us, living together."
And Mae doesn't see the smile on his face as he stares down at the pile of clothes. She thinks it lies he's spouting to make her feel better. After all, who likes doing household chores... she hates them for sure.
And so she gets up from her bed, determined to help. But the mirror attached to the adjacent wall makes her stop in her tracks.
A frown forms as she catches her reflection in the mirror.
Her hair is oily and matted against her scalp. And she's not as toned as Levi in any way. Her thighs touch and her belly is not flat. Insecurities crawl underneath her skin.
"Why don't you date someone like Petra?" She asks, thinking out loud.
"Mae." Levi swivels around to see her. "She's not even an adult. How could you think something like that?" He speaks distastefully.
"But she'll grow up, you know... She's pretty, she's strong, and she's got a good body for sure."
Moisture wells up in her eyes. It's not just the guilt of him doing all the chores, it's something that has been troubling her for long.
And Levi sits baffled. He has no idea where this is coming from.
"It's so hard Levi... dating long distance," she sniffs. Her gaze still doesn't come off from the mirror in front of her. As she stands, so obsessed with finding faults in her. "You would be better off dating someone who's in the Corps. That way they'll at least be there for you when you need them, they can help you with all your work, and every message won't take a week to get delivered."
And Levi is on his feet in an instant. His arms reach out to her, and he pulls her into a hug
"Is it becoming too hard for you? Do you want to end it?" he whispers, masking his own heartbreak at the thought.
"It's hard," she ruminates. "But that's not the problem... The problem is that you deserve better." Her voice breaks, and another tear slips past her eye.
Because she sees all the women in town gawk about Humanity's Strongest and how attractive he must be. And she sees all the children that find their hero in him. She's nothing in comparison.
And one day she does hope to be slightly successful. With her own clinic, and a few regular patients. But for now she's just some doctor at a hospital in town. And her dreams seem so far-fetched.
"Look at me Levi... I'm not the best doctor, I'm not the smartest, and I'm not the prettiest... And you're Humanity's Strongest... Don't you see it? You can do so much better than me."
Their gaze meets in the mirror. And Levi stands stumped as he sees how moist her have turned moist.
He's never compared her with any other person he's met.
"But don't you see it?" He questions as if he's stating out the obvious. "You're the closest thing I have to normalcy." And normal sounds so wonderful to him. She doesn't have to be any more capable, or beautiful, she just has to be.
Of course there must be people who are better than her in many ways. But comfort, warmth, home, these are all words he only attaches to her.
His finger reaches below her chin, and he turns her face away from the mirror. Making her look at him. "You're more than your looks Mae, and you're more than your career... I hope you know that."
And she closes her eyes, as he presses a kiss on the top of her head.
"C-can I sit next to you while you fold those clothes?"
"Yes."
"I-I thought y-you were mad at me":
"Why would I be mad, silly?" He says as he ruffles her hair, making it a bigger mess.
"Don't let such crappy thoughts stuff up your head." He flicks her forehead.
The next morning Mae wakes up feeling much better. Her throat still feels sore, and a mild headache still troubles . But there is peace in her heart and Levi in her arms.
That's all that matters.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
The night is young, and Mae and Levi have returned back home from their impromptu dinner date.
The curtains are drawn shut. The hearth is warm, cackling with fire. And Mae sits on the bed, changed into something more comfortable.
She was feeling better, and she really wanted to treat Levi to a good meal, before he leaves tomorrow morning.
Next to her bed is the sketch of her and Levi that she got at the Trost Fair. With her smile so big, it makes her eyes squint. Levi obviously sits with his poker face, and his arms crossed in front of him. But Mae loves the way the painter has colored his cheeks and the tips of his ear, slightly red.
A few minutes pass by, and the gears of the bathroom door shift into place.
The door is nudged open, and Levi slips inside. Fresh from his bath. With his inky wet hair clinging on to his face, and pearls of water still dripping down them.
Mae places the sketch in her hands, on the nightstand and withdraws a bottle of essential oil from the drawer. She raises a brow, slightly shaking the bottle as she gestures to levi.
And Levi feigns a sigh as he ambles over to her, and sits in front of her. With his back to her chest, and his butt positioned in between her legs.
She takes the towel that rests on his shoulder, and gently rubs it on his head. To dry his hair that is still dripping wet.
Mae likes to do all these small things for him, from buttoning the shirt he wears to tying the cravat around his neck. It makes her happy. Like she's being of some help to him.
"Are you using all the oils and seasonings I gave you?" She asks as she tosses the towel aside, and picks up the bottle of oil kept on her nightstand.
She pours some of the essential oil onto her palms Then she slides her oil-slathered fingers through his hair strands
"I try to," Levi mumbles, and his eyes flutter close, as he feels her fingers work their way through his scalp. "Tch, my hair is greasy again now... I hate this so much."
"Levi this is expensive, and Lavender really helps in aiding sleep, so you better shut up and follow the routine I have set for you." She speaks with seriousness. "And you take a shower like 5 times a day anyways."
And Levi knows the only say he has in this matter, is to complain, and then comply. So he closes his eyes, and enjoys the sensation of her fingers running through his hair.
And Mae feels sentimental too. She wants to make time pause.
Because when the sun rises tomorrow morning, Levi will be far away from her. Outside the walls. It's a feeling that she's still not used to. Of not knowing whether this moment she's spending with him will be their last together.
"Levi..." she calls out. "You remember the day when you became Humanity's Strongest... back when I was working in the Survey Corps? ... You came back injured and I was treating you."
Levi hums, in correspondence.
"That day Petra told me, that you fight as if you have nothing to lose.... But now that we're together. Does that change anything? Does that mean that you have something you are scared to lose?"
The question renders Levi quiet for some minutes. Or maybe it's that he knows the answer fully well, but he is just hesitant.
He drums his fingers on to his chin, and after some serious contemplation, he finally answers."You are i-important to me Mae, but you aren't more important than humanity... And I do have something to lose now, but I can't let that change the way I fight.. Because if I start fighting like a person who is scared to lose what he has, then humanity might lose as well, and that is something that everyone fears."
It's the bitter truth, the pill that's hard to swallow. She's fallen in love with a man, who will always keep his duties first.
She slides her arms around his chest, and pulls him closer. His back presses her chest, and she rests her chin on his shoulder. "That's the right decision. After all, I'm just a person."
Her fingers graze across his bare chest, caressing all the scars his battles have given him. The moment is delicate yet heavy with emotions.
And Mae decides that it's time to release the feelings that have consumed her heart since forever.
"I love you Levi." The words are tender, like a kiss on his nape.
He doesn't have to say it back.
He doesn't even have to turn his head and look at her.
Because love is the softness in his eyes when he looks at her. And the sweetness in his emotions when he comes home to her.
And Levi closes his eyes as he relishes the moment. It feels safe here in her arms, like no force in this world can harm him. And for once he doesn't hide the red that settles on his cheek.
"Thank you..." he speaks with a certain heaviness.And a sigh escapes his mouth, as he realizes that his weekend getaway is close to an end. Just a few hours from now he'll be outside the walls
Sometimes he fantasizes about what it would be like if he wasn't in the Survey Corps. Just him and her, living their life as a simple couple.
To divide all the household chores, and cook meals together. To go on dates on the weekend, and to bicker like a couple. Marry her, after a few years and maybe have little versions of him and her run around the house.
It's a far fetched dream, but Levi can't help but indulge in the thought for a couple of minutes.
The Survey Corps, the title of Humanity's Strongest, and the titans outside the walls. He wants to run away from it all. He's strong and no one would be able to track him down.
But the guilt in his mind would haunt him forever.
And it's indeed a curse that such exceptional strength and skill lands on his shoulders. And he wields the responsibilities as Humanity's Strongest soldier. He can't let all the people that look up to him down.
━━━━━━━━━━━━
The weather is dreary today. Heavy gray clouds loom over the sky, like a blanket. And occasional drops of rain fall to the ground. In a light drizzle.
Not many people line the streets, but there's still a small crowd. And they watch wide eyed, as the Survey Corps trot with their horses. Dawned in their olive capes.
Mae stands in the crowd as well, lost . Her height doesn't help much at all. And she tries balancing on her toes, tipping left and right, in the push of the crowd.
"ERWIN DANCHOU, WIN BACK WHAT HUMANITY HAS LOST." Loud cheers erupt.
"LEVI HEICHOU KILL ALL THE TITANS FOR US." The crowd raves, and Mae stands on the sidelines.
Moisture settles in the corner of her eyes as she looks at him longingly.
How can she ask him to not go when everyone is counting on him?
How can she ask him to stop, when he is leaving to serve all of humanity?
She thought this would get easier as the time passed by, but nope.
It's a feeling she still hasn't gotten used to.
Fleetingly, his eyes meet hers. He sees the way they glow, heavy with tears and the way her lips tremble. His gaze softens, almost caressing her with the way he's looking.
He flashes her a small smile, his gaze flickering to the gate and then back to her. To anyone, the action is hardly noticeable, but Mae gets his message loud and clear.
Let me go, will you? He says to her.
The tear caged in her eye falls freely. Her hand flies up and she bears a shaky smile as she waves at him.
The moment is short-lived but etched forever in his heart.
This chapter may feel like a filler chapter, but I just wanted to talk about how Levi and Mae's relationship is now that they are long distance. And how they are in a relationship as well (before I start getting to the actual AOT plot lol)
It's been a few months now, so Levi is more comfortable initiating physical touch.
I hope their character growth is noticeable, because it isn;t really obvious.
Mae says I love you but doesn't expect it back, and Levi doesn't say it back. That's something that would have crushed Chapter 18 Mae. But now Mae feels secure.
Its kind of rushed but Levi and Mae have grown, understanding each others imperfections better. Mae is more secure, she doesn't need Levi reminding her that he needs her again and again, because she sees his effort
And Levi too is trying to communicate his feelings even though they make him feel weak and vulnerable. (Him saying he's glad he's here). And he's trying to be sweeter when Mae needs sweetness (telling Mae that she's more than her looks and her career).
Let me know your views on the chapter!
As always constructive criticism is also welcomed!
To all the people who keep up with this fic despite all the irregular and late uploads, I am very very grateful to have you! <3
I will see you again with the next chapter! And HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hi guysss!!!
I'm sorry it's been soo long. But the next chapter is finally out!!
It's similar to the Trost fair chapter, if anyone remembers... but the scene is rewritten. And scene 2 and 3 are completely different! Also, if you find any grammatical errors please comment about it to let me know!
15 minutes are left before the clock strikes 4. The weather is pleasant. And people have started to fill the place. Ready to experience the renowned Trost fair.
Mae prances around as well, with enthusiasm in her every step. Her flowy-cotton sundress dances with the breeze. Her lips painted a rosy pink
Timidly Levi walks behind her, unable to think of anything other than her lips. And the color it would leave off on his, when they press against each other for a kiss.
Her hair bounces, with her every step. It has gotten so much thicker now. And her skin glows. Healthy and radiant even though a few zits are littered here and there.
Hange told him to compliment her. Apparently it's what men should do when their partner makes an effort to get dressed for an outing. And he racks his brain religiously, thinking of something that doesn’t make him sound like a dumbstruck idiot.
“Levi!,” Mae whines, as she turns to face him. “What are you doing there, walking so slow? Nothing will happen with the pace you’re on.”
“M-Mae..” He staggers forth, and she stops in her tracks, sensing his discomfort.
“Yes Levi, is something bothering you?” Her tone turns much softer.
“Y-your s-skin, it looks v-very good t-today.” If he had the courage, he would also tuck away the stray hair that falls in front of her face.
And Mae narrows her eyes as she looks at him, a little dazed. Currently she is sporting the biggest pimple on her nose.
“You know… no leakage or anything… It's intact… holds the organs in tight,” Levi continues, shying away at the way her eyes sparkle in the sun.
His gaze falls to the floor. And she pats him on the chest, with a smug smile on her face. “You’re cute,” she grins… as she boops his nose.
The gnawing winter tendrils have melted from the atmosphere. Summer has blossomed. And with time, Mae and Levi’s relationship has grown too.
Conversation has become easier. Efforts have become clearer. And understanding comes a little more naturally than before.
And now Levi is leaving in 2 weeks. The Survey Corps has to relocate. The thought itself saddens Mae. Just when things were getting better between them, the universe had to push them apart.
The chaos of the crowd ahead acts as a good distraction.
It feels like the entire city is here. People stand at every nook and corner. Paper lanterns are hung down from street lamps, and pillar tops. The tantalizing smell of sweets and the distant sound of music fills the air.
And protectively, Levi takes a hold of her hand, “Stick close, wouldn’t want you getting lost.”
The streets of Trost have become somewhat familiar. Levi has been coming here almost every week. Mainly because he’s dead set on finding Mae a house in Trost.
He’s made her quit her job at the tavern. And he’s also helping her financially to cover up for the money she would make at the tavern.
And Mae seems so much happier.
Time paces by incredibly fast in the mob. Mae prances around enthusiastically. Dragging Levi around…. Now they stand in the long line that starts at the food stalls.
It's crowded, people talk a lot, and they smell of sweat. Levi hates it, he’s only here because Mae has been very excited about this fair. She would come here every year, with her family when she was a kid.
“Levi! It's been an hour, and you haven’t had anything.” She speaks with a mouthful of cotton candy in her mouth.
“Because I don’t like sweets and you’ve been revolving around the same 3 sweet shops for the past hour,” he jabs.
“But Levi!...,” she pouts. “I want you to have fun as well. Tell me what you want to do, and we’ll do that.”
And Levi looks at her with the same blank face, that does no favors in showing what he’s thinking. I’m happy as long as you’re having a good time.
“Levi, say something!” She whines.
“I just want to sit in a quiet place, where people aren’t pushing me around and going crazy over stupid cotton candy.”
“You want to sit… Sit in a fair?” she chuckles. It takes her a moment to realize that Levi isn’t joking. And swiftly she grabs his hand, and pulls him along. Moving away from the long lines at the food stalls.
“I’ve got you covered.” she smirks. She takes him deeper into the fair. Inward and inward until she finds a quiet alley, with just a few stalls around.
And Mae’s eyes widen as they land on a middle-aged man who sits on a wooden stool. “He’s still here…,” she gasps in disbelief. And she takes a seat on the bench placed a few meters ahead of him.
2 hours later, they are still sitting on the bench, with Mae flashing a teeth-baring smile and Levi sporting his grumpy frown.
The young man in front of them has paint splattered over his hands now. And he scrunches his brows as he focuses on the canvas in front of him. “It’s almost done ma’am.”
Levi lets out an exhausted sigh at that.
It's boring, just sitting her still like a fucking statue or something.
But the other day Mae was talking about how she’s forgetting the faces of her parents.
It's something that he has experienced quite often as well. The feeling of forgetting the people that were once the closest to your heart. To completely lose touch, even in thought as their memory becomes distant and blurry
If he could, he would like to have a picture of all his lost loved ones as well. His mother, Kenny, Isabel and Farlan.
By the time the painting is finished, the sun is close to setting. Leaving the sky in shades of lavender and pink.
But Mae’s energy remains unwavering. Levi finds it a little hard to believe that this is the same lady that gets exhausted after 15 mins of cleaning.
“You want to play some games?”. She chirps, with her eyes wide.
“Tch yeah, drag me wherever…”
A couple of minutes later, Mae stands in an aiming stance. With some distance between her feet, her hips squared and one eye squinted as she focuses on the strawberry pasty ahead.
And Levi sighs, as she's back to food once again.
The game is simple, a table full of prizes is kept a few meters away . From sweets to soft toys and embroidered napkins as well. And the player has to aim a bunch of rings towards what they want.
“I haven’t had a strawberry pastry in so long Levi… and that… that looks so good. I’ll be the happiest if I get to have it.” She tosses the ring in her hand, towards the dish.
It misses, quite terribly. But Mae doesn’t let that diminish her confidence. “Just wait and watch me get it Levi… Nothing separates me from my pastry… ever.”
She aims, she throws, and she terribly misses.
The next 2 go far past the stall table. The third falls far to the right. One manages to bounce of one another prize
All of a sudden the game seems like nothing but an evil scheme to make people feel defeated. She aims again, this time it falls a meter away.
And Levi turns away to look elsewhere.
His shoulders quake and he presses his lips hard. Trying his hardest to contain the laughter that he’s about to burst into. She is hopelessly shitty when it comes to aiming.
“You only have 2 chances left ma'am,” the conductor pipes in.
“2?” She mutters in a saddened voice, and Levi’s ears perk up at that.
She throws away another ring, hopelessly. This one doesn’t even reach the table. And she raises her other hand up as well, wanting to throw away the last ring in sheer frustration. But Levi’s voice stops her.
“Mae, wait,” he calls out…
He walks forward and positions himself behind her. Slowly, he raises his arms up, and places his hands on hers. Moving them around and guiding her body into a better stance.
Her back presses into his chest. And she can feel his breath on the curve of her neck. “Just pretend like you’re holding on to it, and let me take the aim,” he whispers into her ears.
She nods, a little too flustered. He’s so close to her, she’s sure he can hear the rampant beat of her heart.
He guides her arm, his fingers grip the ring, right alongside hers. And then he tosses it away. And she just follows his hand, making it look like the both of them are aiming at the ring.
The ring rattles as it falls right on the designated place, with the strawberry pastry in its exact center.
A victorious grin spreads across her face. And Levi watches as a lovesick man as she picks up the strawberry pastry and brings it to him.
They start walking towards the other end of the fair. The commotion still lingers in the distance. but the number of stalls starts to visibly lessen.
A chilly wind blows, and Levi and Mae find a bench, a little away from everything.
The dusky sky has turned dark. And there’s a couple kissing in the distance, too lost in each other to give a damn about the world.
And Mae has finally accepted that her relationship with Levi might never be like every other one.
He’s lost more than he has loved. And in a few days he’ll be living far away from her too.
“Time is ticking by so fast isn’t it?” Her voice turns somber. She shifts a little closer to him, fighting back the tears in her eyes.
And Levi’s gaze falls down. He has nothing to say. Nothing to make the situation better. He’s scared that he’ll touch her and she’ll shatter at the strength his hand holds. That someday she will disappear and all his fears would come alive.
And his hand tremors, as he pats her head. Every moment he spends with her, fills him up with thoughts of losing her.
“I’m sorry.” the words come out of his mouth, barely audible. “I’m sorry…” he says again. “Only if I hadn’t fucked up, and made you quit your job at the Survey Corps.”
And Mae pauses for a minute, before she looks back at him
“It was hard Levi…but I think it was good. I had this version of you in my mind, that I admired and then shit happened and I didn’t know you anymore… I realize that I still don’t know you yet, but I think that's great, because I’m always learning about you. About your flaws, about what you think and how you feel. So at least I’m not loving what I think of you.”
Love… He doesn’t understand such heavy words… Nor does he know if he’s worth all the effort she puts into him? Slowly his hand reaches to hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze. The roughness of his fingertips, is contrary to the softness of her skin.
There is an unsaid apology in his actions.
So many things hold him back. Life hasn’t been kind to him. He wonders if the burden on his back will be lighter if he lets go of it?
Mae squeezes his hand back in response. A soft smile resting on her face as she adores him with her eyes.
She knows about his past now. And so she understands why the walls around his heart stand so strong. Hammered again and again and strengthened by every loss.
People give the love that they never received. For Levi, it was safety and security. It was coming to Trost multiple times, and finding her a safe house, before the Survey Corps leaves. It was supporting her financially even though he himself doesn’t make a ton of money.
He’s always kept her safety above everything. It was her who took it for granted, because unlike him, it was never something she had to fight for.
“You’re perfect to me.” Her words are like a balm on all his wounds. Lies but still soothing. Because Levi is by no means perfect.
He is a person who has killed and tortured countless people. Heck, he was close to using violence on her as well.
But to Mae, Levi is a person who had all the chances to become the worst person in the world, and yet he chose to be someone good.
She places her head on his chest. Hearing the stable beat of his heart;.
And for a doctor, who has heard millions of heartbeats, his is different. Even though it sounds the same. Because his heart is one that is unaffected by the bitterness of this world and the cruelty it has witnessed. It's a heart that can still care; a heart that can still love..
And Mae decides that she’ll love him no matter what.
The feeling of his fingers in her hair is familiar. Just like the smell of his freshly laundered clothes. And perhaps, there is finds hope in these fragile beginnings of love
━━━━━━━━━━━━
JUN 847
The Survey Corps headquarters doesn’t look as intimidating today. The walls look bleak, torches don’t light up the hallway anymore. And the chatter of the cadets is almost inaudible.
A few senior officers pass by in a hurry. Their hands filled with suitcases. And Mae watches from the side, as the life in the headquarters slowly dims away.
She extends her hand out, letting her fingers rover over the textured brick walls as she walks through the hallways.
It's a bittersweet feeling.
She remembers the days when she would work here. With Levi acting rude and cold, and Mr. Mendes was pestering her about marriage.
She was dying to leave this place back then, and now she stands here, not knowing when she’ll see this place again.
Time sure flies by quick, and a wistful smile tugs on her face.
Soon she reaches her location. The familiar door is slightly open as usual. She knocks and then pushes it open.
“Hange!,” she calls out. Their messy room almost looks clean today.
“Mae!,” they greet, adjusting their spectacles into place. They’re on the floor, with two huge suitcases that don’t seem like they are going to close.
“Having a hard time packing,” Mae chuckles.
“Yup I've got so much stuff… Mainly books, but other stuff too.”
“Welp, sadly I got some more stuff for you,” Mae keeps the carry bag in her hand on Hange’s bed. “It’s a gift.”
“The other one’s for Levi?” Hange questions, as she looks at the other bag hanging from her shoulder. “He’s staying at yours tonight, right? Oh! I completely forgot to congratulate you on your new house!” Their thoughts run too fast and they blabber. “Are you settled in yet?”
“Almost” Mae chuckles at the onslaught of questions. “Levi has been helping me move in, and we've bought basic furniture... He chipped in and helped me buy the place too. He didn’t want me staying in Jinae, when he wasn’t there.”
“So Levi will join us in two days… directly at the new headquarters?”
“Yes, Erwin permitted him to do so.”
“I’m glad!” Hange beams. “Everything is working out so well for you now! You’re living in a safer area, you have your own house and you also don’t have to work two jobs.”
“It is…” Mae replies. But there’s a sadness in her smile, and the tears forming in her eyes tell Hange otherwise.
“But you’re not happy are you?’ Hange gets up from the floor, and walks closer to Mae.
“It’s hard… You guys are moving away. I’ll miss you. I feel so defeated… I feel like whenever I take one step forward, life pushes me two steps back.”
They envelop her in a tight hug, rubbing her back to make her feel better. “Don’t worry Mae, when I start experimenting on Titans, you’ll be the first one to hear about it!”
“Hange,” Mae whimpers. “ Please take good care of him. He seems all mechanical and emotionless, but he is a really sensitive baby… And a lot of things affect him but he’s so used to putting on a tough front that he doesn’t realize any of it.….. I know he hasn’t opened up to you fully yet, but he will. And I have told him to come speak to you, when he wants to get things off his chest. Please protect his heart in my stead.”
And they wipe off the tears rolling down her cheeks. Flashing the warmest smile as they say, “I will protect your little guy with everything I have… alright?”
A shaky smile forms on her face, and she hugs them again. “Thank you.”
“Now go… kiss him goodbye.” They pat her back as they walk her to the door. “You have one night with him… do much more actually.” They wink.
“M-much more?,” Mae stammers. Her face heats up, turning beet red. “What noo! W-we haven’t kissed y-yet!”
And a hearty chuckle escapes Hange’s lips. “Gosh! You guys are slow, sometimes I wonder where this relationship would have been without me.”
━━━━━━━━━━━━
Levi sits next to the window, sipping the last remnants of the tea in his cup.
The bustle of Trost plays in the background like white noise. And his eyes scan through Mae’s new house.
It’s a 2-storey cottage. The walls are old, made of the same bricks that he sees in every other aged building. The rooms are tiny too, or cozy as Mae likes to call them. The doors creak once in a while. And the ceilings are so damn high, she’ll probably have to get on his shoulder to clean all the cobwebs.
They were out of time, and they didn’t have the money to buy her a better place. And in no way, was Levi going to let Mae stay in that metal shed, once he left.
The tea in his cup, nears its end. And his eyes land on the sketch Mae got of him and her at the carnival. It's framed, placed on the dining table. And he pauses, as the heavy feeling he was trying to forget fills up his heart once again.
The clock ticks, making every passing second audible. “Mae I’m leaving.” His voice booms through the walls.
“Coming,” Mae’s voice echoes from the floor above. And soon she’s rushing down the stairs, with a tote bag in her hand.
One look at him, and she freezes. The fact that he’s leaving hits her with full force. And she wonders what she’ll do here, in the house she thought she’d share with him? Without him.
Levi stiffens too. He pushes his chair back, and stands up.
He can tell she’s been crying. Dreading this moment, that now stands so close.
His hands get clammy. And her lips quiver as she walks closer to him.
They stand a foot apart now. And Mae takes a stabilizing breath, because Levi stands so close yet the idea of him seems so farfetched.
Her hand lands on his cheek, relishing the smoothness of his skin. She doesn’t know when she’ll see him next. Or whether she’ll see him all fine, or tarnished with bruises, doused in his own blood.
The thought breaks her will. Her neck falls down, heavy with the pain of separation. And the top of her head rests flat against his chest. Slowly her shoulders start to shake, trying to contain the sobs that are close to spilling.
She doesn’t want Levi to see her break down like this. Not when, it's the last time he’s seeing her for a month at least.
But Levi not only sees, he also feels what he’s feeling. All her pain hits him right in the heart.
It's going to be hard, not being able to see the person you see everyday. It's going to be hard to wait for letters when you are so used to hearing their chatter. And it's going to hit even harder when something joyful or depressing happens and there is no one to share your emotions with.
With all the gentleness, he lifts her head, cupping her cheek with tenderness.
“You know I’m going to visit you whenever it's possible, right?”
And Mae knows that’s not going to be frequent because Levi hardly finds time for himself. But somehow she still finds the strength to be optimistic.
“And you’ll write to me.” She places her hands over his chest.
“Yes, I will write to you, every week, no excuses,' He smirks fondly, recalling all the demands she made a few days prior. His lips press to her forehead, a kiss bestowed on it.
She brings the tote bag up to her chest. And her hands dig in, bringing a few glass bottles out.
“These are some spices and seasonings here, the food they serve at headquarters is very bland, and I don’t know how you have it. And food isn’t just for getting nutrients, but also for enjoying how it tastes.”
“Chamomile tea, Levi I know you don’t like it much, but it is fucking expensive and you sleep better with it, so you better have it.”
“Scented Candles, Lavender essential oil, you know what it's for…” Her sermon stops as she sees the last item in the bag. Slowly she brings it out, not too proud of it,
It’s a teddy bear. Tan in color and messily stitched.
But what catches Levi’s eye is the big baby pink heart on its chest. Matching the color of the small circles on its cheek. Its smile is wide, and its arms are broad and open.
“Umm,” Mae fumbles, a little conscious. “I also made you a teddy bear… thought you could hold it close, when you’re missing me.”
There’s a heaviness in the moment, but her love makes everything surprisingly sweet. And Levi finds the courage to pull her close. One arm around her waist, and the other holding her head close to his chest.
And in the safe enclosure of his arms, Mae breaks a little further.
“Do you e-ever regret it……. Being with me instead of Ivan?” Levi asks as he dotingly pets her head.
And Mae looks up at him, nodding her head in an instant.
“You are worth it.” she muffles against his chest
And Levi doesn’t know what she sees in him, or what he even has to offer. Nevertheless, he’s glad she’s blind when it comes to him. It makes his life so much better.
His thumb he wipes off the tear that slips down her cheek,
“I hope you don’t keep things within yourself, like you always do… Let me know when things are becoming too much for you..” Because as much as it would hurt to let her go, he would rather see her happier.
“Levi!,” She hits his chest.. “Don't say things like that. Instead, tell me that you’ll come meet me often.. I’ll wait for you… here. In our new house.”
His hand lands atop of her head, wanting to feel more of her than just her palm on his cheek. Fingers mingling around strands of her hair, as he ruffles them with fondness. There is a faint smile playing on his lips, hardly perceptible, but she knows it there when she sees his eyes, bright and sparkling.
I’ll wait for you too, always.
“You promise me you’ll take good care of yourself, and follow the routine I have set for you to sleep… And if something is bothering you, you go to Hange. I know you think of her as some loud freak who can’t keep a thing in her mouth, but she’s good with secrets. And she’ll never judge you okay.”
“Just like she kept our relationship a secret.” He retorts… as if he hasn’t vented to Hange about the relationship too.
Her face pales and she whines. “You’re going off topic.”
It gets silent for a second before Mae goes off again. “And remember to take breaks, and enjoy some times. Before Humanity’s Strongest, you’re a human who deserves to enjoy life too.”
And Levi caresses her head again, a small smile playing on his lips. “I promise, anymore demands you have to make?”
A slight pink tinges her cheeks. “Yes.” Mae bites her lip, and her gaze flicks to the floor, almost hesitant. ”I brushed my teeth thrice today.”
“Good,” he says a little cluelessly. “Do that every day.”
She huffs, looking straight into his eyes. Her brows are furrowed and all signs of her shyness are somehow gone. “I want to kiss you.”
Now it’s Levi’s turn to blush. “Y-you do…. I mean o-of course you-u…d-do” his voice trails off. All of a sudden he is unable to form a coherent sentence. It feels like all his brain functions have stopped and all he can do is nod his head timidly.
Mae steps closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck. She gets up on her tippy toes, as she tries to reach his lips. His heart accelerates as the distance between them lessens. The tips of their nose almost touch and he can feel her soft breaths tickling his skin.
All of a sudden he is hyper aware of everything happening in his body. From the budding heat in his cheeks, to the weakness he feels in his knees. He often wonders about what it is like to kiss, but now that it is actually happening, he can’t help but be flooded by insecurity.
His body turns static. And doubt fills Mae’s mind when she sees how rigid he is. Like the flame of a candle, against a breeze, her resolve is flickering, struggling to keep calm.
His eyes are boring into hers, wide and apprehensive.Her heart skips a beat, and she closes her eyes to run off from his intimidating ones. She leans closer and closer, until she feels something against her lips. But it's not lips…..it's skin?
Her eyes flash open and she finds her lips pecking the area under his nose
First hand, second-hand, every kind of embarrassment crams into her head. Mother of fucking god, what a disaster! She steps back, looking at Levi, to gauge his emotions,
His lips are wobbling, and he is horribly failing to contain the chuckle that is about to leave his mouth.
“You….you ,” laughter ripples past his lips, “have su-such a terrible a-aim.”
Her arms cross over her chest, eyes narrowing as she looks at him with a pout on her face. In an instant her hand flies towards his cravat, balling its fabric and pulling him down to her level.
In a millisecond, her lips are onto his.
And he freezes, his hands sticking to his side and profusely sweating.
Her lips are soft, almost cushion-like against his. Slightly they part encasing his lower lip. The slant of her nose is pressed right next to his. And the scent of her lavender lotion is all around him, aggravating the flapping butterflies that tumble in his stomach.
And Levi is sure that the only thing that is holding him still, is the warmth of her body, pressed against his. Anchoring him yet throwing him off the edge.
With her other hand, she strokes his jaw. Her fingers are as warm and as sweaty as his. And with a single touch, his doubts evaporate into thin air.
She can feel the fluttering of his lashes, until he finally shuts them close, and releases the breath he has been holding in since forever. His arms wrap around her waist and his lips start mingling with hers, moving subtly yet cluelessly.
Warmth blossoms in her chest, as she finally feels him responding , albeit awkwardly. She can’t help but smile.
He is trying, and he’s trying for her.
And soon he forgets about his clammy hands and the adrenaline rushing through his veins. Instead, he kisses her deeper, holds her tighter, so close that he can feel her heart thumping against his.
Their heartbeats harmonize. And for a fleeting moment, Levi forgets that he is going miles away from her. For a fleeting moment, everything feels right, and he realizes that he wants to stay here forever. In her arms, losing himself in her touches.
Slowly they part, foreheads pressed as they take a moment to catch their breath. Mae’s hand is still latched on to his cravat as her eyes flutter open.
Everything from the tip of Levi’s ears to the curve of his cheek is beet red. His eyes are still shut close, and his neck is slightly craned down, still in the same position in which they kissed.
Her lips twitch upwards at his cuteness.
“A terrible aim, huh?” A smug grin flashes across her lips.
And Levi’s eyes shoot open.
She is beaming with joy, his gaze falls upon the crinkle by her eyes, which forms only when she smiles that wide.
Her hands reach out to his rumpled cravat, as she fixes it for one last time. Every touch, however innocent it may be, stirs something deep in his heart. It awakens the desire to forget all about the titans and just settle down with her.
Picking up the bag with all his gifts, he walks towards the door. A minute longer and he might actually end up staying here forever .
“Bye Levi, take care.” Her words are sweet, but they leave a bitter taste in her mouth.
And all he can muster is a slight nod of his head, as he steps out of the door. All calm and aloof, except the tint of red on his face.
Right when he is about to turn and leave the alley, he twists back, and sees her figure. Now distant but still standing at the doorway.
His mind pushes back to how he has lost someone at every stage of his life. She’s living in Trost now, much closer to the titans. All it's going to take is one kick through the gate, and all his fears will come true.
The thought itself rattles something restless in his bones. He’s not here to protect her and he can only hope that she stays alive for him.
He waves at her. Until next time. Don’t die…..please.
More angst haha!
I feel like such an evil person sometime lol, but this is an AOT fanfic, so I wouldn't want to keep it all cherries and roses.
I lowkey feel like my writing style has completely changed. I'm writing shorter sentences now and keeping the wording simple too. I think it's easier to read through now, but let me know what you think about it...
Let me know what you guys thought about the chapter! As always constructive criticism is always welcomed!
Until next time! (which is hopefully soon🤞🤞🤞)
Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245 (message me if you want to be added)
The underground is filthy and dark. Dim lights, dull alleys, and desperate hearts. A place Levi knows as well as the back of his hand, and a place he would do anything to get out of.
Chapters of life roll by and with the turn of a page, things drastically change. In front of him is the opportunity to live on the surface. And the flimsy bridge that he has to cross. From an uncivil criminal to a disciplined soldier.
But life on the surface seems tougher amidst all the mockery, civilities, and the gaping hole left in his heart, after the demise of his dear friends Isabel and Farlan.
Content/Warnings
canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, spoilers for No Regrets OVA, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language, self-hate, physical assault.
Author’s Note
Hi guys!
It's been long. And I am incredibly sorry for promising to publish chapter by Sunday, yet doing that today. I feel incredibly guilty, like I've been taking everyone who reads this story for granted.
I've genuinely been quite busy. I have my college, my part time job and I also have to cook and clean for myself. And in all honesty, I've also lost my interest in completing this fic. So i have to push myself, rather than actually looking forward to writing it. But I'm not giving up on it yet, I've promised a few people that I will get it finished, and so I will.
@musumusuhasi a huge reason for one of the scenes in the chapter is because you told me Mae was always very cutesy, and never strong. I hope I've made that better, and if not please do let me know! (And if you don't read the fic anymore, then that's understandable too:)
Also since I've posted after a long time and if you've forgotten what happened in the previous chapter; here's a recap. Mae and Levi attend Ivan's wedding. Mr. Mendes is still mad at Mae and yells at her about Levi being a bad decision (ends up revealing that Levi is an underground thug.) Mae feels defeated because Levi didn't tell her this and starts losing faith in their relationship. She talks to Ivan, and Ivan comforts her, and lets her know that Levi still loves her, and their love for each other is pure.
Song for this chapter is I can't help falling in love with you.
The wind growls, as it blows harshly. The morning sunlight barely reaches the ground.
In the stroke of a night, the rain has turned into snow. The first snow of Mitras, but it seems more like a storm. And Mae is not prepared at all.
Her fingertips have gone numb, and the ache in her head seems never ending. Her dress is wet from all the snowfall. And she shudders as she walks through the snow covered ground.
It feels like death is close. Her entire body shivers, almost violently. But a certain fire inside her keeps her going, despite the odds.
The world seems abandoned, people stay cooped in the warmth of their houses. And pellets of snow hit her head, as she walks ahead. It’s been hours since she’s been on the road. And she swears she wants to cry tears of joy when she finally spots the two-storey building with the Military Police symbol painted on it.
Her pace fastens, and with the last of her energy she pushes past the gate.
And everyone at the police station looks up, as they see a young lady on their door. Drenched from head to toe, turning blue from all the cold.
“I-I h-have a missing c-complaint to file,” Mae speaks in between shudders, leaning against the doorframe, tired enough to collapse at the moment.
And the officer in front gets up. He decides he doesn’t think too highly of her. For one it's way too risky walking out in the snow so underdressed. She could have died in some corner, and no one would have even noticed.
Nevertheless, he takes one of the coats hung on the wall and offers it to her. “Here, you’ll die in the cold if you dress up this way, miss.”
And Mae still shivers from the cold, But her eyes are resolute.
“Sir Ellias, “ she reads the badge attached to his shirt. “I have a missing complaint to file.”
And Ellias gawks back at her, sizing her up.
He doesn’t understand what brings her here. Wearing no gloves and a light jacket in a fucking snowstorm.
And so he wraps the coat around her trembling shoulders, and leads her towards his desk.
“Levi… his name is Levi.” Her voice comes out raw and vulnerable.
Levi has disappeared. She has checked everywhere. He wasn’t in their hotel room. He wasn’t anywhere near the wedding location. And he wasn’t even around all the popular tea shops in Mitras.
His wallet lays on their hotel bed, long forgotten. And the suitcase, packed with half his clothes, remains untouched too.
It's been 8 hours since Mae’s talk with Ivan, and there is still no sight of Levi. She has waited for him the entire night, and now the snow on the ground is at least a foot high.
It's too late… She worries something must have happened to him.
A young lady places a tray of warm tea on the table. Its smell wafts through the air, and Mae’s eyes well up. The drink warms both her throat and her heart.
She just hopes Levi is alright wherever he is.
“The name is Levi you said?” Elias reconfirms as he puts it down on paper.
“Mhm,” she nods vigorously. “He is quite short but his build is strong. His skin is pale and his eyebags are really big and prominent. His hair is black and he works in the Survey Corps… He also has-”
Elias stops writing. Face morphing into one of confusion. ”Wait…” he cuts her off. “Are you talking about Humanity’s Strongest? Captain Levi? Or is this someone e-”
“Yes.” Mae answers, exasperated. “It's him, he’s gone missing.”
Hope glimmers in her eyes.
People know Levi, and she’s one step closer to finding him.
But disbelief settles in Elias’s.
Slowly it shifts to mirth. A beat of silence passes by, and then a soft chuckle escapes his lips.
“What the hell, why are you laughing?” Mae scoffs, eyebrows scrunching in disapproval. ”This is a serious matter.”
Her words only makes him laugh louder. It adds to Mae’s temper.
“EXCUSE ME.” She bangs her fist on the table and gets up. And even though exhaustion is heavy in her voice, her eyes burn bright red.
“Have you ever seen that guy? Is this some sort of a prank?.” He speaks in between laughs. “Even death would be scared of him.”
“So you are telling me he couldn’t have been caught up in this snow storm and might need help?”
“He is fully capable of protecting himself… you’d know that if you’d met him.”
And Mae’s lips tremble as she remembers the last time she saw him.
He wasn’t even able to meet her gaze. He looked so vulnerable… Like a kitten left astray.
“He’s not made of stone.” her voice comes out as a whimper.
“But he’s got a heart of stone,” Ellias rebuttals as he crumbles the missing form and tosses it towards the bin.” Humanity’s strongest can look after himself… There’s a reason why he’s Humanity’s Strongest…”
And Mae gapes. Her head throbs, with the texture of pain. Her body aches for a minute's rest. But somehow she finds the energy to create a scene.
And she leans forward towards Elias, with her hands placed on the table and her arms stretched straight
“EXCUSE ME…” she sneers. “I’m here to file a missing complaint and it's your duty to look into it. Instead you’re telling me that I’m lying... Just because you’re a lazy bum who can’t get himself to work… people like yo-”
The door is yanked open with a bang, Mae flinches and Elias looks towards it.
Out comes a tall - middle-aged man, wearing a large black overcoat and a… bowler hat even though he’s indoors.
His jet black hair is gelled to the black. And his face sports a pronounced scowl. “OI!” He calls out. “What’s all this ruckus this early in the morning?”
The atmosphere suddenly changes, and Ellias straightens himself. Slightly scared.
“Sir…” his voice trails off, a lump forming in his throat.
“I have a missing complaint to file, I’m afraid it’s not being taken seriously.” Mae beats him to it, as she pushes her chair back..
“He doesn’t work in that department,” Ellias pokes in, but Mae moves ahead regardless
And Kenny smirks in glee at the sight of her.
Missing complaints are not something he concerns himself with. He’s here to work for the King,, not to solve some minor civil problems and save some damsel in distress.
But he’s bored, and she’s a wreck. It will be good entertainment.
“Sir… Captain Levi has been missing for the past 8 hours, and we all know how harsh the snow storm is.” Mae explains , hoping she receives the help she’s here for her.
And Kenny’s eyes blow wide, more with concern than surprise.
Captain Levi. The title sounds pleasant to his ears.
Now he can’t help but stay.
“See, I told you she is crazy” Elias sputters to cover up. “I think the cold has gotten to her head or something… which maniac walks out in the cold like that.”
“THE COLD HAS NOT GOTTEN TO MY HEAD.” Mae’s eyes flash dangerously at Elias, and she shifts her attention towards Kenny. Deeming him more competent.
But Kenny only lets out a snicker. “He’s strong, he can take care of himself very well.”
I’ve made sure of it. He wants to add. But some things are better left unsaid.
“AND HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW HIM? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET HIM?” She yells, absolutely appalled at the insensitivity of these men.
And Kenny takes a step towards her too, towering a foot above her. His nostrils flare in anger, and he glares at her, his aura almost threatening. Not a lot of people have had the audacity to speak to him in such a way. “Who are you to him?” he seethes through clenched teeth.
But Mae doesn’t back away either.
“I’m his lover.” she spills out, without an ounce of hesitance.
Sheer surprise flashes in Kenny’s eyes for a second. Slowly it fades and the creases under his eyes melt into that of laughter. “Aah, that runt grew up finally.” he chortles
And Mae looks at him, appalled and disgusted. “And who are you to him?” She counters . Half in mockery. Half in contempt. He doesn’t even wear a badge that tells his name. She’d be surprised if she’d find even one reliable officer in this damned place.
And Kenny falls silent for a millisecond, face conflicted.
“….Nothing.” He lets out a weak laugh. “Just go back home, you’ll find him there.”
And then he takes a step back in resignation. A little emotional, a little exhausted. “Take good care of him.” he mutters under his breath, before he coops back into his cabin.
—--------------------------------------------
A heavy sigh falls from Levi’s lips as he steps into the premises of the Survey Corps headquarters. The midnight moon shines over. And the stone walls embrace him, it's cold grays have never seemed so inviting.
It’s been an entire day on horseback. Nevertheless he should be grateful the stable manager at Mitras recognised him, and rented him a horse, free of cost.
And as glad as he is to be here, there’s also a heaviness in his heart that he can’t shake off.
It's the kind of pain that only Mae is capable of causing.
She isn’t next to him.
He left without a thought. Running away from the haunting unhappiness in her eyes. And now he’s left with only his feelings to keep him company. Cold and empty.
He wonders if the marriage went out as planned? Were the celebrations as grand as the decorations? And was the buffet as large as they were setting it up to be?
Most of all he wonders if Mae is okay? He wonders, if just like Kenny, that was the last time he saw her as well?
Memories of yesterday trickle into his mind. The disappointment in her eyes, and the complaints in her mind. And he sighs, exhausted. Wondering if the heaviness in his chest will alleviate.
He needs tea, he tells himself.
The torches on the walls flicker, dimmed by the constant breeze. Winter is just around the corner and darkness engulfs the hallways.
And Levi relaxes a tad bit. Finding solace in his darkness, it’s what is familiar to him.
He rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. Sadly for him, a familiar brunette is already seated on the dining table next to the kitchen.
Hange. His features twist into a scowl.
They are the worst person he could possibly find at this time.
And Hange swivels as the sound of his footsteps reaches their ear.
“Levi!” They exclaim. “You’re back early.”
And Levi looks at them coldly, completely ignoring their existence.
He was so close to sulking. But now he looks emotionless again. It's like something has shifted in his head. And now the person next to him will only face his anger, never his sadness.
He makes his way to the kettle. And he prays that Hange stays put in their chair.
But Hange is relentless as usual. Hyperactive, and curious. They spring up from their seat and follow Levi into the open kitchen. Ready with their barrage of questions.
“So how was the wedding?” Where is Mae?” It's probably the dim candlelights that impairs them from seeing the scowl on Levi’s face. A few moments more and he will snap. Hopefully in a tame way.
“Don’t tell me you dropped her back home, this late at night?” They wiggle their brows suggestively, as they linger behind him. Watching him boil the water from over his shoulder.
And Levi doesn’t even turn to look back at them, as he puts his hand on their shoulder and pushes them backwards. “Fuck off, “ he threatens
Hange’s lips part. Usually with Levi, they can never tell when he’s mad, because he always looks mad. But tonight, the anger in his voice is primal.
And they can only head back to the table, and shove their head back into their research books. Looking over occasionally to give Levi a onceover.
He looks at the pot of boiling water a little too hard. His jaw is clenched tight, and his footsteps are a little too loud.
His hands shuffle through the cabinets. Banging the shelf doors shut. And Hange doesn’t understand how Levi doesn’t recall the spot he’s specifically designated to his beloved tea. None of the other Survey Corps seniors are even allowed to touch it.
Frustration fills him up, and he curses, rather loudly.
And the Levi in front of Hange, is completely unlike the Levi they’ve always known.
The Levi in front of them is messy and unorganized. Grabbing a hot vessel bare hand, and then hissing at the burn.
The flipping of their pages stops, and all they see in front of them is a problem to be solved.
There’s an obvious tension in the air that drowns in all the quiet. And Levi finds himself falling into the endless pit of sadness inside of him, again.
He tries to forget the disappointment that he saw in her eyes. He tries to forget the things that Mr.Mendes said about him, harsh but so true, they still make his heart hurt. But its all too recent, all too fresh in his memory.
Mae was close to crying back then, he could tell by the way her lips shuddered.
He doesn’t understand why he still feels so sad. After all he knew that things between them were bound to end. He doesn’t understand why he always gets his hopes up, when he has a habit of losing people left and right.
And he doesn’t understand why he sits on the same table as Hange, taking the farthest chair from them. When he can easily take his tea to his quarters.
Maybe it's the fact that he’s been left alone again. And being in the vicinity of someone, even if it's someone as annoying as Hange, seems comforting.
Even if that comfort is temporary.
He’s so much of a disappointment.
Sometimes he wonders why Erwin and Hange keep up with him?
It's probably because of his strength.
The smell of tea floats through the air, but Levi doesn’t touch it.
And Hange notices. “I can’t wait for the day when you’ll marry Mae as well.” They chirp out of nowhere. Hoping to make him feel better.
And Levi does manage to throw one of the harshest stares at them, before he winces.
“She found out.” The words slip out of his mouth. Accidently, perhaps. It's one of the rare times where his emotions run so wild, they can’t help but take charge.
“She found out what?” Hange repeats. Their ears practically flying over.
Slowly they shift to the chair next to him.
And Levi sits rigid, holding his head where it hurts, it feels like the walls in his brain are caving in.
And yet, he fights.
He fights Hange’s company.
He fights his needs, his desires.
He fights himself. Adding fuel to his own struggle.
It’s what he has done his entire life.
It has left him worn out.
To the point where he doesn’t have the strength to resist anymore.
The walls around his heart are slowly crumbling down.
He’s lost her. His world feels dark.
“She found out that I’m an underground thug.” His voice comes out weak… barely above a whisper. The position life has put him in is hard to believe. Because here he sits, opening up to Hange of all people.
Kenny would disapprove so much of the emotional bastard he still is. Losing hope by a mere person leaving him behind.
But he does it for Mae, he tells himself.
And Hange’s eyes widen, surprised that Mae didn’t already know about this. It's abnormal, and unhealthy. They were pretty sure Mae was the person he was closest to.
A silence spreads, its claws fatal.
Levi takes Hange’s silence for judgment, and decides to go back into his invulnerable shell. “Doesn’t matter, things were going to end anyways,” he mutters coldly, and then he loudly slurps his tea.
And Hange still sits in shock. She found out, his words echo in their head. Which means he didn’t even tell her himself. “LEVI!,” They urge, breaking out of their stupor “Till when were you going to keep this hidden from her!”
Forever if possible he thinks to himself. He can always keep a few parts of him hidden.
And his silence tells.
“You weren’t planning to tell her, were you?” They question, but they know it's true.
The quake of his heel never fades , and his shoulders still slouch. They’ve never seen him look so defeated. He’s too afraid of disappointing. He’s too afraid of being abandoned. And he’s too afraid to voice out that he didn’t want Mae to know, because he was afraid she’d leave him.
“Why would you not tell her Levi….? Hange racks through the potential possibilities. “Was it because you were treated harshly by the soldiers when you first came in….”
Everything comes off as a surprise to them. They could have never guessed that all the taunts thrown his way were something that bothered him. Not by the look on his face anyway. Guess he’s a little more sensitive than they had anticipated.
“You were discriminated against in the Survey Corps, because it's the military and rules are important here. You broke the order, you broke the regulations so obviously people didn’t like it. Also your first impression was HORRIBLE…And just because everyone in the military condemned you, doesn’t mean Mae will too… You can’t pretend to be someone else and hide parts of yourself from someone who is in a sense your life partner Levi?”
There is a stiffness in the air that constricts. And Levi feels like he’s being put on the spot, when he’s caught vulnerable. He feels angry, he wants to yell, he wants to push Hange away… or maybe– or maybe he’s just scared.
And he sits there forcing his eyes shut as Hange’s words sink in. He’s repeated this mistake before, fitting himself into the likes and standards of Kenny, just to please him. So much so that sometimes he doesn’t even recognise the softer, more emotional parts of him.
“To love, means to accept the person for what they are…” Hange places an arm on his shoulder, and he looks at them, his gaze tender. “And if she doesn’t… then good for you. At least you know she wasn’t the one.”
And Levi does find Hange’s thoughts beautiful. But he also knows that no one will go to such lengths for him. He knows that he’ll be abandoned by the Survey Corps as well, if one day he wakes up weak.
He tears his gaze away from them. Knowing that if he looks too long, Hange will see through all his imperfections.
They have a habit of not keeping their nose in everyone’s shit anyways.
But Hange’s mind is already working at a speed that he should be afraid of. And they almost jump from their chair, as a realization strikes. “This is the problem isn’t it Levi!... The thought that she might leave you…. You ignored her because you knew she was bound to leave you or be disappointed in you in some way... You thought she was better off with Ivan, then you taking the pain of losing her.”
Levi’s eyes widen. They are threateningly close to knowing him.
“HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?”, he seethes as he grits his teeth. Half embarrassed that Hange knows about his pitiful behavior with Mae when Ivan was here.
“I… I have assumptions,” they gulp. Fearful for once
The clock ticks, and slowly his features soften “Mae told you everything, didn’t she?” he sighs, as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Well but I’m always open to hear your perspective as well.’
“Oh fuck off Hange.” He sneers as he gulps his tea down, and pushes the cup to the side.
He feels horrible, so out of character, and vulnerable. But he doesn’t feel unsafe.
And he has a shit ton of problems that he knows he can’t solve by himself. Especially when it comes to Mae.
And what's the point hesitating now, when his pride has already been tossed into the bin.
“I don’t know how to keep her Happy Hange… It's not the same anymore, she’s unhappier, doesn’t talk with me too much.” He looks down, his voice somber.
“Says you Levi… the person she used to smile just at the sight of?” Hange’s voice is soft, their eyes full of genuine concern.
And despite his uneasiness with discussing his personal life out loud, and getting his behavioral patterns dissected by none other than Hange, he settles into his chair.
The night is long and Hange seems welcoming,
—--------------------------------------------
Heavy gray clouds conceal the midnight sky. The rains are relentless, boisterous with thunder. And fog wraps around the tall trees like a blanket.
The winds blow fast, Levi can hear it rattle against the glass windows.
His quarters are warm though, fire crackles in the hearth, casting an orange tint. And his cloak is leisurely draped over his shoulders.
Scented candles are lined up on his window sill.
And lavender tea he brewed for himself has now run cold. Halfway finished
It's something Mae made him do, when sleeping was becoming difficult.
She crafted a whole ass routine for him, to help him relax and sleep longer.
He drums his fingers on the table, sitting idle, Frustrated that he’s done with all his paperwork.
It feels so damn lonely. Like those days, when she’d quit her job from the Survey Corp and he was haunted with thoughts of her..
The sound of thunder fills up the space.
The temperature has dropped all of a sudden. Surely it must be snowing in the interior. And Levi feels guilty for leaving Mae behind so thoughtlessly.
None of them were prepared for snow.
Another round of thunder reverberates around. Lightning strikes and Levi shivers. The night is uncannily similar to the night when he lost Farlan and Isabel.
Just another testament of how he is not made for happy endings.
And he can only watch as every second painfully passes away.
Tick-tock, tick-tock
The fire cackles
Tick-tock, tick-tock
The wind whistles.
Tick-tock, tick-tock
The lightning feels blinding.
Tick-tock, tick-tock
A distant sound adds to the mix. It's rushed and heavy, pounding closer to his gates.
And Levi is pulled out of his reverie, as then the door barges open
In front of him stands Mae, with her hair partially drenched, and her dress splattered with mud.
The closed umbrella in her hand, makes a pool of water on the floor. Dripping wet.
His eyes widen.
And so do hers.
“Levi,” his name slips past her lips. And for once she didn't overthink. The umbrella in her hand drops to the floor, and the door behind shuts close, as she leaves everything behind and darts towards him.
She doesn’t hesitate, as she sits on his lap, and throws her arms around his frame. Surrendering to the intensity of emotions in her heart..
Levi's body tenses at instinct. His heartbeat picks up the pace and the butterflies in his stomach come alive once again.
It's just been 4 days, but he’s missed her so damn much. For a moment he wonders if he’s still daydreaming
And it's only when he feels her shivering against his chest, that he gives in. “Y-you’r-re c-cold,” he stutters, as he wraps his cloak around her. His hands splay over her back, rubbing it to warm her up quickly.
And she too, huddles closer to his warmth. The sound of his low baritone, brings her so much comfort, and she shuts her eyes close, to pause this moment.
Their breaths mingle, hearts beating in sync, together.
In this moment they are so vulnerable.
She cries, into his chest. And he’s made sure that nothing in his life is important enough to make him cry. But for god's sake does his heart sob with joy.
He looks at the messy trail of mud her shoes have left behind. And her fingernails that are dirty with grime. He looks at her shuddering shoulders and her hair, wet and cold.
She’s traveled through the storm for him.
She’s come back to him. Despite everything
And he doesn’t know what the future holds for them, or even if she'll be alive the next day. But he does know that no matter how cruel and brutal this world gets, his heart will forever be labeled hers.
Her hands leave his chest, before they slowly come up to his cheeks. She cups his face, as she pulls back and looks at him. Silence stretches between them. Or maybe it's the pause one takes to admire something beautiful.
And fresh tears fill up her eyes as she strokes his cheek.“Why do you make me worry so much? Couldn’t you have told me that you were leaving? I-I was so scared something happened to you.”
His knees feel weak at the thought. Like he’ll shatter to the ground, if not for her holding him so close.
And his breath shudders, sodden with emotions. “I-I’m s-sorry.” he gulps. Voice heavy with guilt. “I-I thought you would be u-upset. Wouldn’t w-want to n-near me anymore.”
“I would have wanted to hear about your past from you. I was more disappointed in the fact that you didn’t tell me, when everyone else knew about it... I am your lover Levi… I consider you my better half, then why is it that I know so little about you?”
In her questions, Levi feels a kind of reassurance. Perhaps it's the fact that she’s still making an effort to stay with him.
It's a feeling he can't put into words.
As if his sun-burned body has finally found the cooling shade of a tree.
As if his directionless quest has finally found a destination.
There is such a prickle in this moment, and the way she holds him, tightly, yet with gentleness. It makes him question all the nasty thoughts he has had about himself.
Because he was convinced that he was way too crooked for anyone to find any beauty in him. And yet she dares to sit on his lap, so close to him. Cradling him as if he’s something precious.
Words fail him. And he can’t help but think if he could just kiss her, and pour all his love into it. If he could kiss her and express all that his speech never could. They all seem so beautiful in the romance novels he reads.
If only he could kiss her and not succumb to his overthinking head.
And so he brings her hand closer to lips. His heart hammers, almost violently in his chest. And his hand shudders with nervousness. Yet he dares to take her knuckles and kiss it.
Hoping it conveys everything he can’t spout out loud.
That he’ll fight for her. Even if it's parts of himself that he’s up against. “I;m s-sorry…I’m s-sorry, I thought you’d h-hate me”
And Mae smiles as she looks at him. The first genuine smile she’s given him in months. “We’ve got to work on a lot of things to make this work,” Her words are blunt, but the way she delivers them is so gentle.
And Levi blinks up at her. Grateful that she has not given up on him yet. “We do…” he hums.
There’s fear in both of their eyes. The fear of messing up. The fear of losing one another. So many things still remain unexpressed. So many fears, desires, wishes. If only they were given a voice. Both Levi and Mae would know that their love for each other is boundless.
“You promise you’ll tell me everything and we’ll talk about us tomorrow?” Mae says as she tries getting out of his lap. Desperate in need of a shower
Surprisingly, his grip around her waist tightens. He holds her there, listening to the sound of her breath.
And despite the wreck Mae is, she finally feels so wanted. The butterflies in her stomach tumble. And she can barely contain her happiness.
“I will… “Levi presses a kiss on her forehead. “Now go take a shower, I’ll set up the bed for you.”
“Will you sleep on the bed, next to me?” she asks on her way to the shower.
And Levi never sleeps on the bed.
Because Levi lives every moment with the unsurety of whether he’ll make it to the next. He lives every moment considering the possibility that the titans might break in.
Yet now as he looks into her warm brown eyes, he can’t help but wonder if for one night he just lets loose.
The worst thing that could happen is that the titans breach the wall, and he ends up dying with her.
Indeed that sounds like a soft epilogue. To die in each other’s arms, to not die alone.
Everyone comes to this world on their own, and they die on their own, because inherently everyone is alone. And yet to hold on to each other, as they take their last breaths. To have a moment of bliss before death separates them.
“Levi!” Mae prods again. A brow raised in question. “Will you sleep on the bed with me?”
And his lips quirk up a tiny bit, as he timidly nods a yes.
New chapter next sunday?? OMG so excited! I love your work 💕💕💕
I remember you!!! Honestly so surprised that people still care about my fic. But thank you, you really motivated me to write more and complete the fic 😭😭😭. And thank you for sending this ask as well! You made my day <3
