Yay chapter 7 time! And with that we're almost at the end of the first arc of the story that I have planned!
You can probably guess what the next chapter entails :3
I've finished moving too, minus the gradual unpacking so I finally have time to get back to writing ;u; I've got a few ideas for some drabbles and short fics that I want to write so feel free to ask if you're curious hehe. I love bouncing ideas off of others when drafting. I also hope that I've done Levi justice in this AU-- I've always imagined him being a little softer outside of the main Canon, where Kuchel is still alive and he isn't forced to build walls as thick in order to survive.
i went straight to the showers. life wasn't fair. it just wasn't. the barracks were unusually quiet, the kind of silence that only followed a mission where loved people didn't come back. boots and mumbling echoed somewhere in the hallway, but everything sounded distant, as if i were underwater. deep and deep.
i stayed longer than i was supposed to. the hot water had already run out, five minutes, if we were lucky, but today i didn't need warmth. i needed freezing water, cold enough to wash away blood, cold enough to erase the screams, cold enough to stop thinking. we didn't have much expeditions like that, we were still newbies, and this was the worst i had to admire, after the attack in trost.
the icy stream hit my skin like needles, makin me suck in a sharp breath. still, it wasn't enough. blood. titans. captain fucking levi saving my life. his hand grabbing my harness. his fist twisted in my shirt. his face again, only inches from mine. "and when i do...you won't be able to speak at all"
shut up. what the hell is wrong with you? you hate that man. you hate the way he humiliates you in front of everyone, friends, cadets, whoever. you hate how he always singles you out. you hate the endless chore, the punishments, the sarcastic remarks, the way he always manages to make you feel like you're somehow doing everything wrong. because of him, i barely had any free time anymore.
no afternoons wandering around the nearby village with sasha looking at every cute animal she could find. no quiet hours hidden away in the library with armin. no evenings lying on the grass with jean, watching the stars until someone inevitably came looking for us...i missed that the most.
i leaned my forehead against the cold stone wall, letting the water run over my face. i know leaving stohess to join the scouts wasn't going to be easy. i knew people died here. i knew i'd have to sacrifice comfort. sleep. peace. maybe even my own life. but i also knew i had a gift, so why waste it? i need to prove it. how was i supposed to sit there and retreat while soldiers, friends, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, lovers, were being torn apart right in front of us? i couldn't.
even if erwin had ordered it, even if levi had screamed at me. even if everyone thought i was reckless. i'd do it again...wouldn't i? then came the memory, his voice, eyes, breath brushing against mine, his hand gripping my shirt. holy walls... he's so- i groaned loudly, letting the back of my head fall against the shower wall.
"don't even finish that sentence," i muttered to myself, "absolutely not"
i stayed there another minute, hoping the freezing water would somehow wash those thoughts away.
it didn't.
by the time i got dressed and made my way to the dining hall, the familiar chatter of the cadets filled the room at least. the smell of soup, bread and potatoes wrapped around me almost instantly.
then i spotted them. my idiots, my family. a smile found its way onto my face before i even realize it. god...i was grateful they were alive. every single one of them, they were my anchor in this insane world. and i'd die before letting anything happen to them.
jean and connie were the first to notice me. "There she is! the woman of the moment!" connie called, waving dramatically. jean lifted his hand with a small smile. i walked over and sat between jean and sasha. before i could even reach for my bowl, jean leaned over and pressed a quick kiss against my temple.
"you scared the hell out of me today," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. i smiled, pretending it hadn't affected me. "i'm okay" i reassure him. "easy peasy." jean looked at me like he didn't believe a single word.
"easy peasy?" connie snorted. "captain perfect body had to save your ass out there, boo." i slowly turned my head toward him. the glare i sent him would've killed a weaker man. "keep talking, i dare you" he immediately lifted both hands in surrender. "see? this is why levi likes bullying you. you're even more terrifying than him."
"connie."
"okay, okay, im done"
"what did captain levi actually say to you when we arrived?" eren asked, setting his spoon down. "honestly, i think you did the right thing." of course you do. "why are we supposed to stand there doing nothing while people are dying?" he continued, already getting louder. "if i'd been on your flank, i would've done exactly the same thing" he was halfway to standing up before mikasa calmly placed a hand on his shoulder. "sit down...and finish your soup" eren sighed dramatically before obeying.
"well..." the word caught my throat, his face flashed through my mind. his voice. "you don't get to make that choice alone". my cheeks threatened to betray me. absolutely freaking not. there was no way i was blushing because of captain perfect. i'd rather throw myself into another titan's mouth.
"he just..." i cleared my throat. "he yelled at me. asked if i had a death wish. the usual. nothing interesting" i immediately shover another spoonful of soup into my mouth to avoid any more questions. bad idea, i almost choked. "girl you look like me slow down" sasha laughed.
"didn't he give you more chores?" jean asked, genuine concern written all over his face.
...actually. no. i stared down at my soup, that was strange. he hadn't assigned me laundry, or stable duty, or latrines. nothing. after everything that had happened...nothing. we almost...no. don't think about it.
"...surprisingly, no," i admitted quietly.
connie and sasha had already moved on to another completely ridiculous conversation about how reiner could apparently crack three walnuts with one hand. honestly? i believed it. while everyone laughed, my eyes wandered around the dining hall almost on instinct. just checking. only to make sure i wouldn't have to sprint out of there if captain mood killer decided to appear, nothing else.
but...no levi, no commander erwin, no crazy scientist. i frowned, that was odd. really odd indeed. those three always ate together after missions, no matter how exhausted they were. erwins constantly reminded us that a soldier who didn't eat couldn't fight, and levi was practically obsessed with discipline. missing dinner wasn't exactly something either of them encouraged. so...where are they?
what a pain in the ass, literally. not the report of the officers. these damn chairs. whoever had designed the seats in erwin's meeting room clearly hated people under six feet tall. my back had been reminding me of that fact the past half hour.
we hadn't even had the chance to finish dinner before erwin gathered every ranking officer in today's expedition. reports first, food later. typical. the mission report rested in the middle of the long oak table, already stained with fresh ink and a few drops of tea. outside, darkness had swallowed the headquarters, leaving only the flickering candlelight to illuminate the room.
no one spoke. erwin broke the silence first. "let's begin, shall we?" as always, he wanted every perspective, every flank, detail, commander. that was one of the reasons people followed him so willingly. erwin understood that battles weren't won by one brilliant mind alone. every soldier carried a small piece of the whole picture. unfortunately, today's picture wasn't a pleasant one. again. too many names have to be crossed off tomorrow morning.
one by one, everyone gave their reports. casualties, titan behaviour, equipment failures, formation integrity, every flank had followed orders. every flank... except mine. erwin folded his hands together.
"cadet y/n l/n directly violated a retreat order". silence.
"she abandoned formation." "she compromised the entire right flank" "if captain levi wouldn't have intervened, she would almost certainly have died" the room immediately come alive. "if we let this go," one officer said, "every cadet will think orders are optional" "today she charged alone" "tomorrow someone else will" "it's blatant insubordination"
hange adjusted their glasses before speaking. "she also killed a titan and saved two soldiers" the room quieted again, "i think we're forgetting that part," they rested their elbows on the table
erwin nodded slowly. "she possesses exceptional combat instincts" of course he noticed, he noticed everything, "she's fast, exceptionally skilled. one of the strongest cadets we've seen in years" then came the words everyone had been expecting. "however...exceptional instincts become dangerous when they are no longer governed by discipline." his blue eyes shifter towards me. "she reminds me of someone" "don't start" a few quiet chuckles echoed around the room.
then the officer with the ridiculous mustache decided to contribute. "captain levi" i looked at him, "you were there," what punishment would you recommend?" he leaned back in his chair. "i've heard you've already tried correcting her with additional duties, it doesn't seem to be working." he chuckled.
i'd shave that mustache off myself. if i didn't catch some unknown disease from touching it.
i lowered my eyes to the report. ink, numbers, names...then, against my will...her. the pink ribbon, steam bursting from her gear, that suicidal charge, her body disappearing toward the titans, fear, an emotion i had no business feeling. "try me"
"captain?" shut up you fucki-
"she disobeyed a direct order," i said nonchalantly. several officers nodded immediately, "punishment is necessary." another chorus of agreement. then i continued, "however..." now they were all listening. i wasn't going to protect her, i refuse to call it that, i simply refuse to waste talent. "she's reckless, insubordinate, a complete pain in the ass..." hange smirked, "but..." i folded my arms, "she's the strongest soldier under my command." silence. "teach her discipline, but don't waste her."
the meeting ended shortly afterward. chairs scrapped across the wooden floor as everyone began filing out. finally, those damn seats were torture devices disguised as furniture.
erwin stayed behind, so did i. he poured himself another cup of tea while looking at me. "you seem unusually invested in this cadet" my answer came before i'd even finished thinking. "i'm invested in keeping useful soldiers alive." erwin took a slow sip, then, he looked at me, not at my face, through it. damn him, that analytical stare was more exhausting than scrubbing the floors of the men's bathroom. a faint smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"of course" and somehow, that simple answer irritated me than if he'd argued.
the next morning, i woke to the sound of birdsong drifting in through the open window. funny, wasn't it? even in a world where people were devoured alive, nature still found the time to sing. i always woke up a little earlier than everyone else. not because i enjoyed mornings. because for a few quiet minutes, before the shouting, before training, before the smell of blood became another ordinary part of the day...the world almost felt normal.
sometimes i wondered why beauty still existed. why the sunrise painted the sky in softs shades of gold. why flowers still bloomed. why birds still sang. as it the world itself acknowledge the cruelty humanity lived through every single day.
i dressed quietly, fastening every buckle of my uniform before reaching for the small pink ribbon resting beside my bed. my fingers lingered on it for a second. dad's ribbon. the only thing he left me. "for luck," he'd always said with that warm smile i could barely remember anymore. my lucky charm. i tied it into my hair like i always did. i'd rather die than stop wearing it. and i will wear it when i'll die.
passing the mirror, i caught sight of the bruise blooming across my shoulder. purple was fading into yellow. it was healing surprisingly fast. i sighed. i'd rather not think how i'd gotten it. or who healed me.
at least today would finally be peaceful, no titans, no captain levi, no extra chores. maybe jean and i could finally spend a little time together, it had been too long.
i barely managed to open my bedroom door before someone was already waiting outside. "morning sunshine!" hange, of course. they smile as though they'd been standing there for hours waiting to ambush me. "sleep well?" "uhh...more or less" "wonderful!" their grin somehow widened. "because you're going to need all that energy!"i frowned, "why?"
"we're heading to your disciplinary hearing!"
ten minutes later, i found myself sitting in a room i've never seen before, large, cold, far too official. a long wooden table stretched across the room, lined with section commanders and senior officers. commander erwin sat at the head. captain levi stood against the wall with his arms crossed, expression? unreadable, as always. hange offered me an apologetic smile before taking their seat.
what...was going on? why were they all looking at me? why did this feel like a trial?
"cadet l/n" i blinked, commander erwin had apparently called my name twice already. "yes, sir?"
"do you know why you've been summoned?"
"no, sir" not the slightest idea.
he folded his hands together, "yesterday, during the expedition, you deliberately disobeyed a direct retreat order."
oh...that, right.
"sir," i stood before he could continue, "with all due respect, those soldiers were going to die, i couldn't just leave them, and all those soldier who die-"
"i understand" his calm response caught me off guard. he wasn't angry. if anything...he sounded disappointed.
"and because you believed you were the only person capable of saving them..." he paused, "you endangered every soldier assigned to captain levi's flank, including yourself."
my mouth opened, then closed again.
"do you believe their lives were worth less?"
silence
"...no, sir"
"if captain levi hadn't reached you in time..."
another pause
"how many coffins do you believe we'd be preparing this morning? counting yours?"
the words settled over the room like stone. i couldn't answer, because i didn't know.
"your courage is not being questioned, cadet l/n" his voice softened slightly. "neither is your talent. everyone in this room knows exactly how exceptional you are." i swallowed. "what concerns us...is your judgment." he slowly stood from his chair, "the scouts are not built upon individual heroics, they're built upon trust. every soldier who ries beside you trusts that you will follow orders, just as they do. the moment one person decides their judgment is more valuable than everyone else's..." he looked directly at me. "the formation ceases to exist."
i lowered my eyes. the room suddenly felt much smaller, much heavier. this isn't fair. it's not.
"after careful consideration..." his voice remained steady. "the command staff has reached a unanimous decision."
no. please.
"until further notice..."
no...
"you are hereby removed from all expedition duty."
everything stopped, the room, the voices, even my breathing.
"no.." it escaped before i could stop it. everyone looked at me. "please..." my voice cracked, "not that," i hated that it cracked, it never... "commander, please, i wasn't trying to disobey anyone! i just- they were going to die! i couldn't-" i looked at him, even ,fuck, at levi, please.
"i know" erwin interrupted gently.
"and that is precisely why this decision was so difficult. but exceptional soldiers must first learn discipline. otherwise...their courage becomes a danger to everyone around them."
i couldn't hear anything after that. the room blurred, somewhere in the back of my mind, another voice began whispering.
you'll never be enough. look at your brothers. why cant you be more like them. no matter how hard you try...you'll always disappoint people. no. stop. not now.
"this hearing is adjourned. cadet l/n, you are dismissed."
i didn't move. someone touched my shoulder, hange, they were saying something, i couldn't understand a single word. my legs eventually carried me out of the room. one step then another, the corridor felt endless.
by the time i reached the dining hall, breakfast was already underway. connie was waving his spoon around while talking, sasha was stealing food from someone else's plate, probably mine. eren was arguing with jean. normal. everything was...normal.
then jean looked up, his face lift, he smiled, he lifted a hand. "y/n!" i froze, for one brief second, our eyes met. his smile disappeared instantly. he'd seen it. whatever was written all over my face...he'd seen it. i couldn't let them ask, neither look at me, seeing me like this. i turned around and ran. the first tear slid down my cheek before i'd ever reached the corridor.
Author’s note: im back bitches. I LOVE JEAN AND HANGE WITH ALL MY SOUL AND HEART YOOU GUUUUYSSS. sorry for the long hiatus as always T_T but i'm going to have a looot of time to write since im going to have surgery on my ankle hahahaha, so i had a lot of inspiration!!! hopefully you guys like this part. kisskiss. hoope y'all are okay. xx ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡
latest part of my wolf shifter fic 🐺 i'll think of a title sometime i promise.
Levi and Hange (and Erwin, not pictured) are search and rescuers in high demand!! Jean's pulling out all the stops to try to find Mikasa since he still doesn't know what happened to her and my god I cannot WAIT to write the scene where he finally finds out.
probably comes as no surprise but Hange is so much fun to write 🤭 i didn't intend for them to be in this fic originally but here they are i guess.
What does Petra love most about Levi, and what does Mikasa love most about Eren and vice versa for both.
i love this question so much! i'll try to keep it short
petra loves levi's candor to put it basically. he doesn't feel the need to perform socially for others and finds that he's extremely honest about what he does and doesn't like without the dick swinging. she's completely aware that she happens to be a blind spot for him where his honesty is taken over by trauma responses as it comes to letting himself be vulnerable, but she's able to see past that and knows, for every other aspect of his life, that he's authentic.
levi loves a lot of things about petra (i mean, how could you not?) but mostly, he loves her ability to be vulnerable and to not wear it as if it's a weakness. he admires every human aspect of her because he himself struggles to display it.
mikasa loves how driven eren is. given she's incredibly depressed and often oversleeps, that internal motor of his to just "go go go" is infectious enough to invigorate her with life. that's what eren is to her, he's a lifeline. whether he's driven to argue for his beliefs, or to keep teaching her how to skate, she loves it.
eren loves mikasa's duality. he thinks she's gracefully elegant and also a total badass. she's very soft and caring towards him, but can see the man who raised her come out when those she cares about are harmed (he's seen her dig into some of his bullies after all!)
decided i'm gonna post the bits of my shelved sort-of-jeankasa fic 🫶i'm not gonna finish it as is but i still really enjoyed writing it and i wanted to share what i feel good about.
summary: 📝
after mikasa's relationship with eren came to an unceremonious end, an old friend became her solace
characters: 🧣🐴🐚🕊️
mikasa ackerman, jean kirstein, armin arlert, eren jeager
warnings: ⭕
mentions of infidelity
Somehow, though he was in a part of the city he’d never seen, wrapped between a near-stranger’s blankets, Eren had slept the whole night.
He watched her roll over, sighing softly. Short, light brown hair, lips still with a trace of gloss from last night. Hitch Dreyse, one of those faces from high school he’d long forgotten. Not that he’d been paying attention to her. That was just a distraction.
She’d been at the bar last night, brightly-colored drink in hand, a simple black dress shimmering in the dim light, laughing loudly with four or five friends around her. And she knew right away what Eren wanted.
It wasn’t morning yet but Eren knew it was time to leave. He slid out of the thick blankets, groaning at the headache pulsing in his temple, and was pulling on a shirt when a sleepy voice startled him.
“Going already…?”
“Yeah,” Eren answered without looking at her. He added as an afterthought, “Thanks.”
“If you can wait a few minutes I’ll drive you home.”
Eren considered that. If he got back early enough he’d be able to avoid Armin and his questions.
“I’m fine.”
Hitch watched him silently, green eyes thoughtful, rising a little from the blankets. She wore only a silk nightgown and nothing underneath.
“Will I see you again soon?”
-
In the sixteen years they’d known each other, Armin could count on his hands how many times Mikasa had called him. And at nine at night on a Friday, no less. He raised the phone to his ear, fumbling with his keys in the other hand.
“Everything okay?”
Wondering if he should start his car, Armin listened hard and heard something that sounded like a sob.
“Mikasa, I’m coming over. I’ll be there in a few minutes. You’re safe, right?”
His answer was a twisted sound that in some way resembled an affirmative. She was definitely crying. Armin nearly dropped his phone as he hurried down eight flights to the ground floor.
“Alright, I’m on my way now. Just hang on. Is Eren there?”
No response but a choked sob. Armin’s stomach sank lower than the floor- had it happened? It couldn’t have. They’d been together for ten years. Mikasa had said something about proposing last time they’d hung out properly. In the halls of high school they held hands and snuck kisses, and Armin had coached Eren on footwork before that year’s dance. Three years ago they’d moved into a small apartment together- the trial of any relationship, but they’d made it this far, hadn’t they?
Armin always drove carefully; this part of the city was a congested labyrinth of winding streets, lumbering buses and parked cars jammed along the crumbling sidewalk. He drummed his fingers on the dashboard, forcing a sigh, wishing he lived closer. He loved his job at the library, but the hours only permitted the cheapest studio he could find.
After fifteen minutes he pulled up to the nine-storey where Eren and Mikasa lived. Top floor, of course. He remembered the code and sent Mikasa a quick text before scaling the dim stairwell. The elevator had gotten stuck once, and Armin wouldn’t chance a second time in total silence for an hour.
I’ll be right there. Heading upstairs.
He knocked twice, and when there was no answer Armin pushed inside, stomach curling. He’d been here many times and could tell right away something had happened. All the lights were on and Eren’s coat and shoes- always stubbornly out of order- were gone.
“Mikasa?” he called hopefully, glancing here and there as he made his way to the living room. It was unusually cluttered- the coffee table was crowded with empty mugs, pill bottles and (to Armin’s dismay) a pack of cigarettes. Eren insisted he’d quit, lamenting that Mikasa never wanted to kiss him after them.
He found her at the edge of the sagging grey couch, phone forgotten beside her, scarf gone. She had her head in her hands and didn’t seem to have heard him.
“Hey, I’m here,” Armin whispered as he sat down alongside her, dread lancing through him, “what’s going on? Is Eren- is he okay?”
Mikasa lifted her head slowly, her eyes reddened and tear tracks sticking to her face. She drew a shuddering breath through her mouth and shook her head once.
“He cheated on me.”
Armin blinked behind his glasses, mouth opening slightly but not speaking. Those words didn’t make sense. Eren Jeager, who had loved Mikasa since they were children? Who worked fifty hours a week at a busy restaurant just to afford their home?
He waited for an explanation, cautiously placing an arm over Mikasa’s shoulders. She leaned into him and continued to sob, raven hair everywhere, chest shaking. Not knowing what else to do, Armin held her for a long time, questions exploding inside him like fireworks.
Maybe it was some kind of misunderstanding, he thought frantically, some text she misread, some other reason why he’d come home late… But Mikasa wasn’t the type to panic. When her breathing slowed a little Armin spoke again, softly.
“Can you tell me what happened? How did you find out?”
“He told me.”
Again, Armin struggled for words. Were they still talking about Eren? But he tried to think about it logically. Confessing himself could be more forgivable in theory, but that also left him able to leave out any especially unsavory details.
“And you… think he was telling the truth? What did he tell you? Can I ask if you remember what he said, specifically?”
Mikasa stifled another sob and Armin rolled down his sleeve, wiping her eyes gently.
“He just… said it to me. ‘I cheated on you, Mikasa.’ Like it didn’t matter. Like he was telling me he was a day late on rent, or forgot something I asked him to get from the store.”
“And… after that?”
“I told him to leave. He didn’t even try to argue. He just- he didn’t take anything with him. I’ve texted him, and he hasn’t even seen it.”
Armin chewed a bit at his lip, a nervous habit he’d never grown out of. That didn’t sound like Eren to him. A few times, he’d turned up unannounced at Armin’s apartment after an argument. He wouldn’t have walked away unless he had done something awful.
“Well…” Armin fought for words, familiar anxiety creeping up, “first of all, this isn’t your fault, Mikasa, okay? Not at all. So don’t blame yourself, and don’t try to tell me otherwise. That’s the one thing I want you to know right now?”
She opened her mouth but Armin quieted her with a gentle squeeze of his arm around her.
“It doesn’t matter what was going on, what problems you two were having. Eren made a terrible, disgusting choice, and that’s it. You had nothing to do with it, and you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.”
Mikasa gave a soft whimper, letting Armin pull her in closer and rest a hand on her back.
“I’ll stay with you here, until he comes back, so you don’t have to face anything alone. I don’t care about work. I can take a few days off. You’re more important. You said you tried to text him?”
“I don’t know if he… took his phone.”
“Then we won’t worry about that right now. When he gets back, I’ll have you look through it, or I’ll do it myself if you’d rather not. Either way. We’ll get him to do that.”
Another, more unwelcome thought drifted in and Armin closed his eyes for a moment before speaking again.
“And tomorrow morning, I’ll call a doctor and get an appointment booked for you.”
Mikasa blinked, obviously confused, and Armin gently touched her hand.
“We… need to get you an STI check, Mikasa. It can take months to get your results back, so we shouldn’t wait, especially with how busy it is normally-”
Mikasa heaved a sob and let herself fall against Armin’s chest, and he held her closer, stroking her hair.
“I know. I don’t want to think about it either, but we have to know. You won’t be alone, Mikasa, I’ll be there with you as long as you need.”
For an hour they neither moved nor spoke. The crescent of sky visible in the corner of the window darkened, a few stars flickering into view. For all his life Armin had been a thinker, a planner, strategizing and analyzing, and he’d never thought harder before.
It just didn’t make any sense. He’d visited Eren and Mikasa a month ago, and they’d been as much a couple then as he’d ever seen them. Kissing each other at every opportunity, grinning at their own secret jokes, lightly teasing and arguing over what food to order. And Armin had known Eren for fifteen years. He was a lot of things- impulsive, headstrong, belligerent, sometimes exasperating, but he valued loyalty above all else.
“You’re not alone, Mikasa,” was all Armin could think of as her breathing finally started to slow, “we’ll get through this together. I promise.”
-
The first week would be the hardest. That was what everyone told Mikasa. Once the shock settled, she’d start to feel better. She just needed time.
It had been two months and nothing had changed. Mikasa still woke up too early each morning expecting to feel another body next to her. She was still surprised to go into the kitchen and not see Eren there, sipping coffee, scrolling his phone, laughing at some joke he’d badly explain when he saw her. It was still unreal to come home from work and not find him cooking dinner or slumped on the couch shouting at whatever show he was watching.
She’d gone back to work after a few days, on Armin’s advice. At least the office demanded little interaction. It almost easy to lose herself in the busywork of emails, spreadsheets and rote phone calls, endless sorting and rearranging of things that didn’t really matter. Documents couldn’t lie to people.
What was a real problem was how she had almost no appetite. Food had completely lost its appeal, heedless of how hunger became a pain. Normal for some time, but by the third week Armin was concerned.
“I had the same thing when I broke up with Annie,” he’d offered, “it’ll pass, I promise. Just drink lots of water, and take some vitamins. I’ve got good ones if you need.”
Never mind that he and Annie hadn’t even been together a year and their breakup had been amicable. No deception there.
Not eating left her exhausted long before dark each day, so sleep was a little easier. But she still didn’t rest deeply- it was like drifting through a half-awake doze interspersed with vivid dreams. Eren’s face was always there. Every time. Sometimes he’d hold her like before, other times he’d say he’d always hated her.
She remembered the moment so clearly. The scene replayed over and over in her head at all hours of the day and night, like a familiar movie.
I need to tell you something, Mikasa. I’ve been lying for a long time. I slept with someone else.
That was all he’d said. Those three sentences. He’d looked into her eyes with each one, barely blinking.
Who was it? Mikasa had demanded. Anger was the first thing that came back. When did it happen? How long ago? Did they know about me?
It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing I can say that makes it better or worse.
And, she thought sometimes, bitterly, he was right, in some way. It didn’t matter if it was a series of texts to a faceless profile, or a drunken kiss at a work party that turned into more. Nothing could make it hurt less. Ten years of love, after a friendship formed in the schoolyard, up in smoke.
He’d only texted her a single time since then. He’d cancelled his name from the apartment, after paying an extra two months of rent in some conciliatory gesture. Mikasa had almost sent the money back on principle.
I’m staying with my brother now.
She hadn’t answered. There was too much to say, no human way to condense her suffering.
-
Eventually, Mikasa went back to the gym. True, there was a reluctance- when he wasn’t working Eren had often joined her on the treadmill or bike, challenging himself to match her pace. And some sneaky part of Mikasa’s mind wondered if this was where it might have happened. But still. The gym had been a place to relieve her stress in the one way she’d allow.
She felt awkward as she stepped back into the familiar wide room, like every head was turned at her. Choosing the nearest treadmill, Mikasa switched on her headphones (an expensive gift from Eren three birthdays ago) and pressed her finger on the speed. Her body instantly remembered the familiar stride and for the first time focused on the task.
Once her warm-up was done, any thoughts of Eren fell by the wayside. Mikasa watched her heart rate climb, focusing on the lit numbers, making sure to keep her balance. She usually did an hour, so forty-five would be a modest goal for today.
She kept a strong pace, forgoing breaks, determined to push herself. A sheen of sweat beaded from her forehead and breathing became an open-mouthed effort. Twenty-eight minutes. Still steady.
The first time Eren tried this, he’d used the maximum speed and handled almost thirty seconds before colliding with the floor. Mikasa’s fingers dialed it higher.
Her thoughts dissolved into a semi-coherent swirl as Mikasa kept running, calves burning, panting hard. The pain would stop as soon as she was done and that felt like power.
At last, she slowed to a walk once more, thin shirt stuck to her back. She saw with a hint of satisfaction her heart rate had briefly reached 180. Her breathing deepened in between long gulps of cold water. She would do more tomorrow, she’d already decided. She’d taken her headphones off and heard a voice that nearly made her jump.
“Thought you were gonna fall for a second.”
She whipped around, and any fear melted when she saw him.
“Jean. It’s been a while.”
He smiled, and Mikasa immediately thought he looked different from their college days. He was even taller now, somehow- a head over her- and his light brown hair was longer at the back, faint stubble on his chin.
“You come here often?” he started, following Mikasa to the lobby, “if Levi knew, he might even smile.”
“Sometimes,” Mikasa said, not quite ready to give the whole story here and now, “I didn’t know you came here, too.”
“Well, you don’t exactly announce yourself, so how could you know?”
They both laughed, and Mikasa wondered why a moment later. They seemed to be heading the same way, so Mikasa walked alongside, matching his easy stride. Her legs ached, but it would be gone once she could lie down.
“So, what’s been going on? How’re you holding up?”
Mikasa blinked, faint smile vanishing. Did he know? She was about to ask before Jean explained.
“I heard. Armin mentioned something when he was visiting, and I got the details from him. Well, enough to feel like showing up wherever Eren’s staying unannounced, with some strong words. But I didn’t tell anyone else, of course.”
Mikasa nodded once, thinking hard. She had to admit, out of all her old friends, Jean was probably the second she’d choose to talk to about this. Historia might have been a contender, but she had her daughter now, and as much as Mikasa counted Connie and Sasha among those she cared about, neither of them seemed quite like Jean. There was a steadiness to him she’d noticed- at least once his endless rivalry with Eren had ended.
Still, they hadn’t really spoken in years, and the last thing Mikasa wanted to do was cry in someone else’s arms. Wasn’t she done with relying on Armin so much? He had his own life and problems.
“There’s nothing to tell,” she said after a while, “it’s all done. He moved out, he’s staying somewhere else.”
“Ten years, and there’s nothing to tell? Sorry, but I’m not buying that. I mean- if you really don’t want to tell me, it’s alright, but I can at least keep you company. If you’ll have me.”
They were silent again. Excuses floated through Mikasa’s mind- she was already burdening Armin too much with all this, she didn’t want to take up Jean’s afternoon, she wasn’t really so affected by it all. But at the same time, it would be awful to spend yet another consecutive night crying alone in the dark because she’d seen another picture of herself and Eren she’d forgotten to delete.
By the time they’d reached the complex, Mikasa had decided.
-
Most afternoons, Armin was there, but tonight he’d left a note. He’d been busy, Mikasa noticed with a flash of almost painful gratitude. The trash was all taken out, the kitchen had been wiped down, and even her bedsheets had been laundered. What had she done, she thought, to deserve a friend like him?
“Sorry there’s not much here,” Mikasa said, gesturing to the single couch, “I’ve had to downsize.”
“No problem at all.”
She excused herself to shower and change, lingering for a while in her bathroom, staring at her reflection. Maybe Armin’s concern was warranted- she’d definitely lost weight recently, and the shadows around her eyes had grown deep. But worse than that, she was still getting used to seeing the space around her neck where the scarf used to be. It hung around the lamp in her bedroom, unwashed. She couldn’t bring herself to throw it away.
Finally she sat down alongside Jean, noticing he’d made tea for both of them. She curled her hands around the mug, trying to think of where to begin. She might not have spoken if Jean hadn’t gently prompted her.
“So, really, how have you been managing? Rent’s not too much of an issue, is it?”
“No,” Mikasa answered truthfully, although the only reason was that she had one less person eating and using the electricity, “I’m fine here. It’s just…”
She stared at a spot on the glass-topped table, another gift from long ago.
“It’s been… hard,” she started, an insignificant word, one that couldn’t convey everything. “I couldn’t believe it at first. He just… changed my entire world, with one conversation.”
Jean didn’t interrupt, his dark eyes somber yet kind. Mikasa steadied herself with a deep breath.
“I never thought Eren would cheat. Never. There were no warning signs, nothing like that. At least… nothing I could see. He’d been a little more distant, a bit sadder… but his mother died last year. And I know they were always really close.”
“That doesn’t excuse what he did,” Jean said softly, and Mikasa bit her lip.
“I know it doesn’t. He was just… he’d been having…”
“He wasn’t ‘just’ anything, Mikasa. Eren chose to ruin everything you had, and if there’s one thing I want you to understand, it’s that. I don’t care what he might have been going through, he could have walked away, he could have done anything else.”
“I know,” Mikasa said again, lip quivering, and Jean quickly lowered his voice back to barely a whisper.
“Sorry. I’m not angry at you, not at all. We don’t need to talk about that.”
He offered his arm, and Mikasa accepted the embrace, resting her head against his shoulder for a second.
“I don’t know when it would have happened,” she went on, a little more clearly, “I try not to think about it… he never said who it was, of course, but I don’t think that matters.”
Jean nodded again, sipping tea.
“So, if I may ask, what did he do after that? Just up and leave, without any warning?”
“He didn’t even… take anything with him. I tried to call him, but he never answered.”
“If that’s the case,” Jean said slowly, once she trailed off, “it almost sounds like he had an escape plan ready. I know he’s always been like that, but still.”
Mikasa sighed, blinking away tears. However necessary, she didn’t like having her pain analyzed like this- but more than that, Jean was making her think things she didn’t want to stop to consider.
“Honestly, Jean, I don’t want to know where he went or what he’s been doing. I just want to know what happened. What made him… betray me like this.”
Another long silence followed. Jean stroked his chin, and when his phone buzzed he switched it to silent and put it face down on the table.
“Well, if he told you, and we assume he was being honest, what do you think would change?”
That wasn’t a question Mikasa had been expecting, so she focused on the less important part.
“He’s never lied to me before, Jean. He always thought he was good at hiding how he felt, but I could always tell. He was an open book with me.”
“But this isn’t just another argument. He’s so dead set on keeping his secret, and that tells me it’s something really awful, Mikasa. Bad enough that I’m worried. I thought it was bad from what Armin told me, but it all sounds even worse now.”
“Jean… please,” Mikasa interrupted, horrified at how close she was to crying. Jean’s eyes widened and he handed her a handful of tissues, again stretching out a strong arm over her back.
“There I go again. Look, we don’t have to talk about this any more, okay? I’m not here to make it even worse. If you need to be alone-”
“No, please, don’t leave now.”
Normally Mikasa had always been reserved with affection, but she sank against Jean’s shoulder like he’d always been there.
“Thanks,” she whispered wetly, trying to swallow the sobs threatening in her chest, and Jean folded her into his embrace.
“You don’t need to hold back. Go ahead and cry, as much as you need.”
And she did, for a little while. Not the painful, gut-wrenching, unstoppable torrent of that first night, but for perhaps ten minutes Mikasa bared her heart. All the while Jean stroked her short black hair, tracing little circles on her back, quiet until long after her breathing settled.
After that, the rest of the night was almost like before. Mikasa made rice and vegetables and Jean insisted on handling the dishes. They started emptying the few remaining vestiges of Eren, putting old photos and unread books into boxes. Mikasa still wasn’t sure how she’d get them to him, but that was a worry for later.
It was nearly ten when they were finally in the stairwell, mostly because they both worked tomorrow. Jean had a job at the stables an hour out of town.
“Just text me if you need anything,” he said, not a casual comment thrown over his shoulder, but a face-to-face promise. Mikasa smiled for an instant, and as she returned to her room, lit by a single candle, more tired than she knew possible, she believed he really would follow up on that.
-
and that's what i've got!!
so, my idea for this fic was that eren never actually cheated- the first scene with hitch actually took place later on, when he'd "broken up" with mikasa and was seeking solace in hookups. he lied to her about cheating because he wanted to push mikasa away- like what he does in canon at the table scene.
i just wasn't sure what the point of having him lie as the "big reveal" was i guess? like, lying about cheating is still just as awful as cheating, if not more so when they've been in such a long relationship. and i couldn't decide whether i wanted mikasa to either forgive eren and eventually go back to him or stay with jean (either as a friend or in a relationship).
but also rn i'm working on a story i like waaay more so i'm gonna focus on that!
also if you actually read down to here you're amazing omg, i hope you're having a wonderful day and something profoundly good happens to you soon 💗
Rating: Explicit
Relationship: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Summary:
It's been a long time, a very long time, since Erwin had an argument he couldn't win.
Erwin and Levi share some secrets. Unspoken feelings come to light.
Set after ACWNR but before the fall of Wall Maria.
