“I-I…” she has to, you see - it’s all too clear to her what happens when you’re forever on the brick of dying or not dying, one unnoticed OD from being another FUCKING STATISTIC. There were reasons why people like her liked to get high in libraries and groceries stores, how much easier it was to be found when foaming, and brought back to life like some next-life Jesus in the making amongst the nostalgic artwork of cereal boxes lining each side of you. As if you hadn’t fucking throwing up all over the linoleum floors. Still, her stomach’s all in knots and her breathing’s staccato in rhythm, looking at Lexi almost hurts when she thinks about all the things that she’s gotten wrong, including, how she handles her friendship with Lexi. It’s hard not to reflect on all the moments when she’s been selfish, even if it all drains away, in the face of Lexi getting between her and another high.
Teeth gnaw anxiously at her bottom lip, her shoulders come in close, and, she looks up at her with all the questions she wants to ask. “Why do you put up with me?” it’s soft when she asks - because it’s not like she’s ever done any GRAND GESTURES for Lexi, the way that some people could say that they’ve done for their friends out here, and like, first grade was so fucking long ago. Was the same nostalgia that had her wanting to trip out in cereal aisles the same type that kept Lexi by her side? “I’m… aren’t you disgusted though?” by the person that she’s become, she can’t deny, she’s had to abandon shame in order to continue forwards, but now… now her buffers are gone, aren’t they?
Lexi can already see the wheels turning, the panic starting to take over, and the anxiety grabbing a hold of the girl she could have held on to forever. It’s the teeth that show, and the stammering, the breathing and how it changes a bit that Lexi is all too familiar with. It’s the quiet calm that comes over Rue right before she asks something she might feel like she has no business asking.
No matter what, it’s Lexi’s calm voice that she uses to make sure to let Rue know that this is a safe space. Between the two of them Lexi can be Rue’s soft place to land. Between the two of them it didn’t matter how much they had gone through or the hardships and tribulations their friendship had to endure. All that mattered was that she was there for Rue. “What do you mean?” It’s in Lexi’s nature to not only be kind hearted like her sister and to treat people like she isn’t better than them, but it’s also in her nature to forgive and see the best in people even if they don’t see it in themselves. “Rue, you’re my best friend.” While it was morbid to think she also didn’t want to say something. Maybe it was also knowing that Rue was the only person beside her sister that knew what it was like to lose a dad. While Lexi had no clue where he was, his inconsistent behavior and his disappearance for years around the same time Rue lost her dad, maybe it was that same emptiness. Her dad had been stuck to a hospital bed and then a wheelchair. She too had seen a man deteriorate and become a shell of the charismatic person they once were. There just was no way that Lexi could say that. Instead of admitting that in some warped way pain linked her to Rue she said the obvious.
“And yeah we’re different or mature or we have gone through stuff, but I can’t be disgusted by you.” Her face showing shock at how she could ever think she would be disgusted just because she was ill. “You just-” She shook her head. “You had to deal with something that changed your world and you didn’t know how to deal with it. I can’t blame you or hate you for that.” Lexi’s understanding nature again shining through. “You’re more than just your addiction or the drugs Rue, and it’s not always going to be like that. You can always get better and recovery isn’t always a straight line.”
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