This blog has served as one of my spaces I can vent without knowledge from those who know me.
Right now is a very difficult time in my life and I am riding waves of anger/rage and deep deep sadness for the "childhood" I had.
I've been no-contact with my mother since April,and I've recently had repressed memories resurface. They've come up at the most unexpected times.
I'm so angry she has the audacity to play completely clueless after all the pain she inflicted on myself, my father, and my siblings. In retrospect we were ALL abused by her. Throughout those years we were on eggshells, tip-toed around and insomnia to avoid even being perceived by her.
Who puts makeup on a 5 year old? Who holds a child's mouth closed while pinching their nose while forcing their head back? (Too long). Who wails and asks their 7 year old where the family will go or what will they do now that they're evicted?
- 7:religious scare tactics/hellfire, forced baptism
-8: shamed and told I'd be displayed n@k3d open casket if I ever tried to self delete again. In front of my siblings as humiliation
-9: started regularly verbally bullying
-10/11: untreated stress UTI's months without antibiotics until they went away. Permanent kidney and bladder damage. Also from avoiding leaving my room
-fat shamed, shamed for self h
-12: abandoned myself and my siblings. First affair.
-13:forced out of my dad's house because she missed her punching bag. Separated me from my brother and father to be alone in a room 7 months. Introducing abu$ive stepfather/affair partner
-15: threw out my wardrobe and replaced with awful clothing /she/ preferred
-16: moved my brother and I to an apt. Left us for extended periods of time to stay/live with her bf. We were both minors
-17/18: constant shame. So so much. Made me do the whole college thing by myself. Threatening not to support me financially unless I signed up to be a nurse (even though she was no part of my student aid etc)
There's so much more but I'll stop at 18 for now. Once I was too old to be a "doll" and developed a personality of my own she has tolerated me at best. Maybe even hated me for becoming a "freak". The grief and this anger has been putting me through a mental hell. I feel so foolish for not giving up on her earlier. I may even hate her and she essentially killed my dad. This is unforgivable.