And this is still a safe space to release and let go.
I’m glad we change as we grow, I am enjoying my changes. In spirit, body and mind. As I continue to evolve, I lean into peace.
2021 came crashing in with a full on eating-disorder relapse. I can almost remember the mind shift in December when the first thought of not being able to stand living in my body hit me. As the months continues, this grew. A new relationship was blooming during this time and I felt external pressures to begin a new contraceptive method- prescription birth control. This of course made matters a lot worse, as I was paranoid that starting the pill would cause me to gain even more, and I spiraled into self destructive behaviors.
In an attempt to help my partner find the root cause of some medical issues, we started an elimination diet in March 2021. Extremely restrictive, which didn’t help my mindset around food at all. I was also experiencing extreme waves of nausea in the mornings since starting birth control, and I didn’t eat breakfast for months. I never ate at work last year because I was constantly running behind with patients, making it the norm to eat one meal per day. Most nights I start out famished, and would cry halfway through or make myself nauseous overthinking the contents of my plate. I didn’t take care of myself during this time- I hated taking showers because then I would have to look at my body.
Through all of this, I definitely lost weight. Maybe 10-15 pounds. Friends commented on it here or there- someone’s mom told me they liked me better thinner and I wanted to leave the party. I cut my hair short and embraced my natural curls and I stopped wearing makeup- because I felt just as ugly with it on as I did off so looking at myself in the mirror simply wasn’t worth the emotional drainage that task would bring. As my relationship began to suffer in May and June, I came clean to my partner about my struggles.
The summer was difficult, lots of time in bikinis with friends that undoubtedly were much thinner and more secure in their minds than I was. I tried to embody this energy of confidence and ease, but I was so fogged with self hate and negative thought patterns that I continued to struggle. I got really tired of feeling like I had no control, and that I was truly just getting in my own way. In July I started a 30 day Yoga challenge on YouTube- I prioritized myself in the mornings before work and after work some days if I didn’t wake up early enough. Each practice was 15-30 minutes long. This commitment saved me.
**Disclaimer- I already knew that Yoga was a way of moving my body that I craved and found a lot of joy in. This worked for me only because it drew me into a part of myself I already knew and loved. I just started to find her again. When I had previously tried to exercise, I never stayed consistent because I dreaded showing up.**
After July I became fairly consistent with practicing 2-3x weekly. I struggled through some of the Fall, but things did start getting better slowly. I spent less time with people who heightened insecurities. My partner and I moved in together- officially. He set us up a beautiful garage gym to lift weights in and he created us a program to follow starting in December. I dove into meditations and affirmations, grasping for literally anything to soothe my anxious mind. Guess what- that shit worked. So many insecurities and doubts in myself, so much comparison. I had to let it go.
December was spent as a dry month- I wanted to stay sober around family for the Holidays. I stopped taking birth control in January, and started paying attention to my breath, and how grounded I was. I now CRAVE breakfast as soon as my eyes open- no nausea to be found. I practice yoga daily, workout 3-4x weekly, meditate daily, journal daily, drink my water & take supplements. I have a skincare routine in the morning and a bedtime routine that allows me to unwind. I am reading books again, listening to podcasts and taking my dog for walks in the sunshine. I play golf now and am constantly improving my game.
With these changes, and my mindset shift, I have seen the most results in my physical body. I have lost close to 30 pounds over the last year and am smaller than I have been since before high-school. Not to mention I feel better than I have in years, have so much energy- I have cultivated so much love for myself and what my body does for me. I am so blessed to have such a healthy vessel to move and nourish. And NOURISH I do- as my mindset changed, so did my relationship with food.
I will say- I’m figuring it out & really listening to my body these days. Trying to tune in to learn what it needs to function at it’s best. I am still very young, and there is of course lots to learn about myself and who I will become. Here’s to another year, fully recovered & loving life. Discovering and connecting with my highest self. I hope you choose love today, I love you.
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