Hi, I’m Lie and I write fanfic for fun (and also to escape reality) as one does. When I’m not writing fanfic, I’m working on my own original stories because I dream to be a published author. Until that happens, I’ll be posting my silly little fanfics.
Currently, I’m obsessed with Stray Kids and that’s the main focus of my drabbles and stories. Feel free to like, reblog, and comment on my work. I love getting feedback. I don’t only exist on Tumblr, I’m speckled throughout the internet on different sites.
Check out my writing masterlists here
You can find mental health resources here
Find ways to support me here
Want more of me? Feel free to also find me here:
Wattpad: (Lies_lab) where I post longer fanfics.
Ao3: (Lies_lab) I post the same fanfics here as I post on Wattpad. This is just in case you prefer Ao3 over Wattpad.
Lab Rats, since it's the start of pride month, I want to take a moment to briefly reflect upon that and say happy pride month. To some of you, pride month might not mean much, but as a queer person who spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me, it means everything to me. It probably means a lot to others here too.
Whether you are part of the lgbtq+ community or not, you'll always be safe here. Whether you know who you are, you're still uncertain, or it's not safe for you to embrace who you want to be, you're safe here. For those who feel left out, for those who embrace themselves loudly, for those who don't know where they fit in, you are deeply loved and you matter; give yourself some credit for living in a world where everything is always changing.
Be kind to yourselves this month (and every month, obviously) This page has been a home for me and I hope it feels like home to you. Stray Kids has done a wonderful job at making everyone feel accepted into the fandom and I can only hope my page reflects that same spirit.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are needed and wherever you wish to go, no matter who you want to end up becoming, you will get there one day. May this pride month be a step-up into a becoming for some and a stepping out for those who have finally discovered who they want to be. Let's lift each other up this pride month and celebrate love everywhere
hi lie! i wrote this whole vent about something very completely unimportant, but im warning you its very very long. so you don't have to read it or worry about responding to all this! i debated whether i should send this or not a lot, lol. i don't know how you do it, you keep this space open for many people and welcome them, its very kind of you. if you end up reading this please take your time! i hope youre doing well, and that you and your sibling are safe and happy and healthy. take care of yourself! (there's a few long paragraphs after this. beware!)
hey lie! i wanted to tell someone about something, but im afraid they'll judge me.. so i hope you don't mind if i leave this here, it doesn't look like you mind when other people tell you things in your inbox. but still, ignore this if you wanted!!
sooo basically, in all my 17 years of living, I've never ever gone to see a dentist. honestly, i thought this was normal, that people didn't go to dentists as kids, unless there was something really wrong. recently though, I began to realize that wasn't really normal, and that usually people visited the dentist as a kid, as regularly as possible, under normal circumstances. my circumstances were very normal, but my parents just never took us, i guess. and the problem is that I've developed a bit a fear. but to the point where hearing about anything dental makes me shudder. i watched many videos when i was younger and saw pictures of tools and stuff to fill the gap in my head, and also be able to keep a conversation going. but i think that made it worse. now somehow im deathly afraid of the dentist without ever having gone.
im afraid of the tools, the lights, the chair, the sounds, the proximity and invasiveness and that position where you're basically under the dentist and have no control. it all seems scary, and the possibility that something might be wrong is scarier.
and then there's another thing im a bit mad at my mom for, but it's not entirely her fault. so, my mom had a missing tooth that never came in, she never had an adult canine after her baby one fell. just genetics. she kept saying I'll be like her because i generally inherited her teeth more than my father's. so when that tooth started wiggling to get out, i was very scared and made sure not to touch it or do anything to make it fall. but i did in fact have an adult tooth under it, and now its fully erupted and both the adult and baby tooth are in my mouth, since the baby one is stuck now, not going anywhere. and im a bit mad because other than this, i was on track to have a completely perfect smile. unlike my sibling whose tooth alignment is quite a bit messed up. so, I'm mad. now I'd have to get full braces and they'll change everything just to get it how it naturally would have been, and im mad about that.
but aside from this, even before all that happened, i never liked my smile. i just hate it. there's nothing technically wrong with it, i just think it looks ugly, and that i look ugly when i try to smile with my teeth. so i just smile with my lips closed. my father (jokingly) bullies me for it, but it's whatever.
i can't remember why i wanted to tell someone so badly. is it disgusting, how i never went to a dentist? i feel like if i told someone in real life, they'll definitely think so. im kind of mad that this was supposed to be something safe to me. i don't know if future responsible adult me will be able to go. i wish her the best though!
unfortunately for me though, I've been feeling some pain on my lower left teeth if i bite down hard on them 😔😔 but its probably just because the tooth behind and in front of it are still growing in, so its a little lonely. one was a baby tooth that recently fell out, and the other is just a tooth growing in from the back ig. according to the research i made, thats normal and theyre not wisdom teeth, so hopefully im good. if i told my parents I'm in pain they'd take me to a dentist, theyre not bad. but i wont do that, im too scared :). just the thought makes my chest hurt a bit, no thank you. it'll probably go away on its own.
im so sorry if you read all this. its just a big bunch of non-sense :)) have a nice day!
I don't have to respond, but I'll do it anyway because I think all your points are completely valid. I try to keep this space open because I know how shitty the internet can be to people. There's so much negativity floating around and I hate it. I've liked that I've managed to carve out a fandom space where people are comfortable existing how they are without constantly being exposed to a bunch of hate/negativity.
The two of us are currently pretty well. It's getting warmer and I'm hoping some spring/summer adventures are in the works. In my humble opinion, adventures are the most important part of life. I find myself looking forward to them more than anything else. Go on more adventures, it makes life way more exciting. No matter how small or how big, seek out adventures in everything you do.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I grew up that same way. I didn't go to the dentist until I started having tooth pain as a kid. Some parents don't see it as a necessary and some don't have the finances. Whatever the case, it's not your fault. I've noticed that people tend to grow up with some of their parents' beliefs. If your parents weren't taken to the dentist much as a kid, they probably think it's normal not to go unless there's a major issue.
It does feel incredibly invasive, especially when you've never been there. However, dentists and their assistants are usually there for one purpose and one purpose only: to make sure patients are able to get the help they need, so they can have functional teeth throughout their lives. As someone who has been to different dentists, they've always been pretty good about telling me what they're doing before they do it.
You are totally allowed to ask if they can explain each step of what they're doing, so you understand what's happening at all times. You are in control of what happens to your mouth. If you are uncomfortable with something, if you need a few moments to breathe, you are allowed to ask them to pause. A good dentist will understand your anxiety. To find a good dentist, check out their reviews. If I go to a new doctor/dentist/eye doctor, I'm always looking at the review page on Google.
If they need to do something like pull a tooth, fill a cavity, etc, you're numbed. If you can still feel something after being numbed, if you let them know, they'll fix it. They don't want you to feel what they're doing in invasive procedures. Teeth are bones and the center of them are filled with nerve endings. Their goal is to numb everything and make things as painless as possible. Don't ever be afraid to speak up at a dentist, your comfort is worth it.
Just because something happened to your mom, it doesn't mean it'll happen to you. That's kinda wild, I've never heard of it. All my baby teeth, if I didn't touch them, they'd always find a way to free themselves. I bet your baby tooth was really stuck in there. It must want to be with you forever, huh? I know you're frustrated and annoyed, but in a way, it's kind of cute that your baby tooth wanted to stay with you.
Are you sure you'd have to get full braces? If you've never been to the dentist, a dentist will look at your mouth and determine whether they think your teeth alignment needs some extra assistance with alignment. If you're only having one issue with a single tooth, I don't think they'd force you to get a mouthful of braces, unless they were concerned about the way multiple teeth are aligned.
And even then, in some places they only do braces on the top or bottom teeth. Some braces are placed behind teeth, so nobody can see them. In some places now, they have things like Invisalign. It's a clear plastic retainer that sits on your teeth to straighten them. It all depends on your dentist, the severity of the issues in your mouth, and what they think works best for you. If you haven't been to a dentist and they haven't said you needed braces, I wouldn't worry about needing braces until you're specifically told you need them.
Braces can be scary, but after a while, they become pretty normal. My younger sibling has braces and they weren't thrilled about it at first. Their orthodontist has made the experience quite pleasant. They get prizes after each visit. Plus, they get to pick the color of the bands that go on the braces. They seem to really like that. Every so often, the color changes, so they get to pair the color with different outfits.
You are allowed to smile in whatever way you like to smile. Some people feel better smiling with their teeth out and some don't. I'm sure whichever way it is, you have a great smile. I've never encountered anyone with an ugly smile. What a blessing to be able to show emotion that proves we're happy. That's such an amazing thing that not every creature on this earth gets. I've noticed when I see someone smiling, it feels hard not to smile, and I think that's amazing.
It's not disgusting at all. In fact, I feel like it's pretty normal. I think out of most of the people I've known, most people prioritize doctors over dentists. A lot of people only go to the dentist when they're in pain. I don't think I've ever actually met someone who has admitted they go to the dentist every six months. Man, I don't even go to the dentist every six months. Should I? Probably. Do I? No.
Your wisdom teeth are in the very back sockets of your jaw. If you push your tongue into all four back corners of your mouth, if there's a small gummy space in each section, that means your wisdom teeth aren't in yet. If there's pain in any of those four areas, it likely means they're uprooting and coming in. Wisdom teeth tend to come in at different times. All four of my wisdom teeth have come in at different ages and I still have one that's not in.
I'm going to say this because I wish I would have told my parents when I was having teeth issues, please tell your parents you're having mouth pain. When I was sixteen, I was having mouth pain and I didn't tell my parents. I was deeply terrified of the dentist. I hated the idea of going to one. I didn't want a stranger's fingers in my mouth. I didn't want anything to do with it. I was like that for weeks and then disaster struck.
I bit down into a sandwich I was eating and part of my adult tooth cracked in half and fell out. The absolute terror that consumed me that day, I'll never forget it. It turns out, I had a cavity and didn't realize it. Since I hadn't been to the dentist in so long, the cavity grew. Cavities are bacterial infections that break down a tooth and create a tiny hole within the tooth. The hole should have been cleaned by a dentist and properly sealed, but I was so scared of dentists, I didn't say anything about it.
Now I'm twenty-three and have a tooth that had to be drilled down and fixed. The cavity had hollowed out part of my tooth. When I bit down that day, it was just enough pressure to break the tooth. The cavity weakened the walls of my tooth and a small section shattered under pressure. At that moment, I realized there was no avoiding the dentist. I didn't want to lose my entire tooth.
Within a week, I was at the dentist, but the damage was already done. My lovely new dentist had to fix the tiny cavity left behind and seal it properly. The good news? I still have half a tooth left. It's happy and healthy in my mouth. She'll be there until the end of time, I hope.
However, my dentist informed me that if I wouldn't have come in, the cavity would have expanded and I would have lost the entire tooth. It was one of those hindsight is 20/20 situations. I wish I would have done things differently, but I didn't.
I will tell you this, you can totally take someone into the dental room with you to make you feel better. You absolutely can bring a parent, sibling, or a friend for emotional support. Honestly, I'm grown and if I can get away with it, I bring my younger sibling with me to some appointments. They tend to joke around a lot and it makes me feel so much better. It's impossible to freak out and spiral into an anxiety attack if they're their spouting off random non-sense.
Years ago, I had gallstones and was in the most pain I've ever been in. Despite being in pain, my younger sibling went into two different doctor appointments with me. They were joking around and they still got me to laugh. You don't always have to go into appointments alone, especially if you're nervous. Having someone there to reassure you and cheer you up makes it ten times easier, I swear.
I cannot force you into going to the dentist, but I definitely encourage it. With anxiety, it's a lot easier to imagine the worst things happening, but it's usually not like that at all. When I went to the dentist at sixteen, the staff were wonderful. Plus, when you go to the dentist, sometimes you get prizes. That's so fun!! Even if they're silly, the concept behind it is pretty cool. Even if you don't get a prize, I begged my dad to get me a fancy coffee from a coffee place because I was brave, so I ended getting a large coffee a few days later.
Plus, they clean your teeth when you're there. It is truly one of the best feelings ever. That's the best part of going to the dentist. Your teeth are so squeaky clean. It feels way better than giving them a regular brush. It's like a fancy car wash, but for your teeth. In my opinion, it was totally worth being brave for. The benefits outweighed my anxiety by a landslide. Even though I didn't go when I should have originally, I'm glad I mustered up the courage to go when I did.
An unnerving dentist trip now saves you on root canals later in life. Your teeth, your future self, and your wallet will thank you. Seriously, I cannot recommend the dentist enough. I believe you have the power to do it. You're way stronger than you know <3
hey, idk if you're taking requests but I have something..
I have depression and i've been going through some things lately and I'm feeling SO alone. like, i have friends, but i think if i tell them what's going on, they're gonna think i'm dramatic (maybe i am?). the only person i have that i think understands me is my brother, but he works the whole day and i don't wanna bother him yk...
maybe u could write a minho!bf x fem reader about it? :/
u don't have to do this, it's just an idea!
eng is not my first language, sorry :c
Unfortunately, I am currently not taking requests. I already have quite the stack of requests to work on and with everything going on in my life, it's becoming increasingly difficult to find time to write fics. Please don't take that personally, it's not your fault my life is getting hectic.
Depression is difficult to deal with alone. When I was mentally at my worst, I was dealing with my depression alone and I was miserable. It's easy to feel worthless and unloved if you keep it all bottled up. If your friends are telling you your feelings are invalid and making you feel dramatic, those aren't real friends. True friends remind you how bright the world is when you're feeling down. You're not dramatic for feeling what you feel and the way you do.
Please reach out to your brother, especially if you're comfortable with him. As an older sister, I adore my younger sibling non-stop. There was a brief period of time when their mental health took a nose dive and instead of reaching out to me right away, their mental health worsened. I would have much rather known from the get-go, so I could have helped them right away.
Whether your brother is older or younger, it doesn't matter. It's helpful to have someone who knows, so you don't feel isolated. It's not a bother to want someone to lean on. It's okay to admit you need someone to talk to/help cheer you up.
Your English is perfect, so I know exactly what you're saying. It blows my mind that people learn English. It's such a tricky language to learn, but you're great at it.
As for the fic request, I've gone through my masterlists. I found some fics that I think provide the best comfort based on the situation. Some have Minho in them and some don't, but I think they'll still be able to provide some warmth. I hope they make you feel better and I'm sending you so much virtual love <3
Not strong enough ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you dealing with a depressive episode.
Experience ~ Longer fic ~ Chan finds you struggling with depression.
Somewhere only we know ~ Longer fic ~ Seungmin shows up with a plan to cheer you up when you're depressed.
I'm stuck with a phobia ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you when you're struggling with anxiety.
A haunted house with a picket fence to float around and ghost my friends ~ 9th member AU ~ You start pulling away from the people you love when you feel invisible.
I've got toxins in my bloodstream, you tried hard to suck them out
Pairing: Seungmin X gn reader
Summary: You've been depressed for a while, but after a nightmare disturbs you, you're torn between staying quiet about your suicidal thoughts or reaching out to your boyfriend for help.
Genre: Angst w/happy ending
Word Count: 6.3K
Trigger warning: Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, graphic descriptions of falling off a building, insecurities, brief implication of starvation and lack of self-care.
Anxiety and depression resources
No matter how much you loved Kim Seungmin, it’d never fix your rotten heart. A person can love as best they can, but the issues within them will never heal unless they take the steps to patch up and nurture the wounds in their heart. Bleeding stab wounds, teeth marks from relationships gone wrong, and purple bruised flesh from where something left a mark.
Teeth in your neck, needles in your heart, hollowed bones, and empty lungs. Hopeless, burnt out, and hurt, it morphed together to create an entire vacuum of sadness. It swallowed you whole and when life spun so far out of control, you couldn’t tell if you were in charge of your own life or if the depression took the reins, but you knew which it was as you stood on top of a skyscraper.
Mother Nature didn’t give her blessing for this death. Clouds floated across the night sky and blocked the moon. The surface craters turned invisible. The pale moonlight, you thought it’d be an acquaintance tonight, but it never showed.
Why doesn’t anyone show up when you need them?
You did your best to appease everyone around you all the time. People were the best they could be, but depression crafted something rotten within your brain. The words of admiration and support were lies. You were so sure of it, they meant nothing. There was no proof to behold, when the brain believed something, it’d grasp onto that belief and do whatever it could to cement it into your reality.
You never believed the text messages on your phone. When friends invited you to events, you believed it was from pity. When Seungmin held your hand a little tighter and pulled you close, you told yourself it was an obligation. Of course he was going to kiss you, that’s what boyfriends did. They pull you close and tell you all the words you want to hear.
Kim Seungmin did everything right, but he couldn’t fix your brain. Nothing he could do would regulate the chemicals and reroute the wires in your beliefs. He could beg and he could pray, but unless you fought like hell to climb out of the swamp of sadness, you’d be here forever.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown and depression is no different. Exhaustion is constantly flooding your bones, it never stops. No amount of sleep washes away the pain of thinking you’re not enough. Nothing ever works and when you start to believe you’re worthless, you find yourself sinking into the darkness with nothing to hold onto.
For months, you non-stop completed a never-ending routine of proving you were okay. Forcing your limbs to stand and partaking in day-to-day activities. Every smile plastered on your stone cold face, the extra effort to exaggerate the details of your life to people. Why would they worry when you were so good at hiding things?
In the midnight breeze, Seoul flashed neon lights down below. High above the buzzing streets of night activities, your toes hung over the ledge of the building. One tip forward and everything would go quiet. Your inner world would silence itself and that’d be the end of everything.
Nothing hurt anymore. At some point, your emotions grew quiet. They meshed together into a muted numbness. Nothing hurt and that was the problem. The sharp thoughts of self-doubt and ridicule didn’t feel like anything anymore. You’d successfully talked yourself into believing you were worthless, so it didn’t matter what happened here.
Down below, music floated from karaoke night in bars. Dancers lingered between patrons in flashy outfits and singles settled at the seats along bar counters, hoping they’d find a fish who’d bite. Bitter whiskey, burning vodka, foam topped beers, and something fruity to wash away the stress of the week.
CEOs loosened their ties and relaxed. Someone bought shots for their coworkers. Two strangers briefly bumped into each other and when the conversation went well, they wondered if they were the ones for each other. Birthday celebrations and shrieks as someone opens up their gifts with a big smile and sparkling eyes.
The fresh scent of barbeque and herbs. Spices floated out onto the streets, luring in potential customers. The world moved on, but you stood frozen above it. A multitude of people moved in the building below you. As they slipped into weekend relaxation or dreading tomorrow’s work day, you took in the world one last time.
But if someone walks through that rooftop door before I drop, I’ll take it as a sign to try again.
A car honked down below and you waited. Ticking traffic lights clocked through their usual colors. Adrenaline caused your heart rate to skyrocket. Maybe two teenagers would come up and look for a place to escape the world for a while. A couple with laughter and heated whispers set on finding an adventure. Even if maintenance would break through those doors and yell at you, you’d take it. It’d be proof you were wanted here.
But nobody came.
The wind swept your hair back. Too numb to understand the danger you were in, you didn’t step back. Hundreds of lights swept across the distant landscapes. Apartment complexes, businesses, and vehicles, proof of all the lives that’d go on and continue marching forward. Tomorrow will be another day and people’s lives won't be interrupted by your death, you’re sure of it.
One drop and it's over.
One drop to change your life.
One drop to shatter the lives of everyone around you.
One drop to stop the demons in your head.
Gravity yanks a body down so quickly, it only takes three to four seconds to plunge and slam into the cold pavement. People forget the survival instinct kicks in. We’ve always been deathly afraid of falling. Regret takes a second, but there’s no soft landing before you.
Three to four seconds for a skull to crack, a soul to evaporate, and for people’s lives shatter. Another few seconds and pedestrians start to scream. The world continues turning, but the lives of strangers who find you are never the same. Conflicting thoughts and quiet pondered sessions over the rest of their lives lay before them. While your loved ones try to sort through the pain and disbelief, strangers are always haunted by the what-ifs.
The only warmth surrounding you becomes a puddle of your own blood. There’s no time to cradle your injuries. You’re there and then gone. There is no love in the end, only the primal fear of dying and the realization that you’re all alone. There’s no time to apologize and take it back. No proper goodbyes and apologies.
Regret and a scream.
Desperation is met with a silence and a sickening crack because what’s done is done and you can’t rewind time.
~ ~ ~
You jerked up with a shrill scream. Limbs flailing in every direction, a cold shot of adrenaline flushed through your body. The unforgiving pavement verses the soft silk coming from baby blue sheets. The tangled comforter still curled over the top of you and provided too much weight to your body. Breathless and confused, you jerked your head around to understand what was happening.
Midnight disappeared and softened into a honey dew morning. Early morning sunlight peeked through the blinds and highlighted your body. Heart slamming against your chest, your fingers shook as you curled them into the warm fabric.
The opposite side of the bed sat empty. Seungmin’s familiar silhouette was gone. Before you could question anything, he peeked into the room from the attached bathroom doorway. “Man, it’s way too early to be screaming like that.”
The casualty in his voice turned to softness when he saw your terrified eyes. He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?”
It took a few seconds for your voice to work. A lump expanded in your throat, making it difficult to get out the words. When nothing sounded, but sputtering and half-fragmented sentences, you settled on a simple nod. It had to be a nightmare, but it didn’t feel like a nightmare.
You felt everything. The wind whipping through your hair and your heart in your stomach as you dropped from the building. The world blurred with neon lights and darkness. The scent of gasoline and burning oil from a car that should have been in the repair shop weeks ago. The cold concrete, the cracking of your own skull, and then an unfamiliar emptiness.
White foam sat speckled across Seungmin’s lips. You could see him fully now. Tangerine toothbrush in his hand, the soft bristles sat layered with a milky foam. He studied your face, waiting for more answers, but you didn’t give him anything to work with. He wiped a thumb across his lower lip and finally spoke up.
“Wanna talk about it?”
I jumped off a building because I felt worthless. Because I’m certain nobody loves me. Because I feel as if the weight of my life is more of a burden than a blessing. Because I think I’m poisoning everyone and myself. Because I haven’t felt my emotions properly in weeks. Because I don’t want to be here anymore.
Because…
Because…
Because…
The thoughts cycled, but you stayed quiet. Instead, you settled on a simple sentence. “I was falling in my dream, but I’m okay now.”
He hesitated believing you, but he finally nodded. “Okay, if you say so.” He spun to go back in the bathroom and paused. Instead of moving forward, he faced you again. “Hey, you know that ring you gave me yesterday? The one you said you wanted me to have because you didn’t like it and you were sure it’d find a better home with me?”
A blank look appeared on your face. The canons in your head misfired until everything came back. You’d had that ring since childhood. A family ring passed down to you, but you didn’t want it to die in your hands. You were certain if you gave it to Seungmin, if he planned to keep it, if he truly loved you like he said he did, he’d still have a little piece of you with him after you were gone.
Over the past few days, you've been slowly giving things to people. Not enough to cast concern, but just here and there. A t-shirt to an old friend that they’d once upon a time complimented. Old photographs to your parents for the family photo albums. You’d told them you had copies, but it was a lie.
You even created a meal from scratch three days ago for Seungmin and his group members. They complimented the food, eating until they were stuffed and content, but you didn’t believe them. A small piece of you wanted to believe they were being honest, but you didn’t know for sure.
Lately, you’d been so tired and it made it difficult to read between the lines of reality and your own shortcomings. The circuits of understanding glitched and someone snapped the wires of normalcy. Grief pocketed your head and threw black shades over your eyes. No matter how hard you tried, it never felt like it was enough.
“I want you to take it back,” Seungmin continued. “I tried to wear it yesterday, but I was so worried I’d lose it. Besides, I’ve seen you wear it before and it looks better on you. It’s over in that box on the nightstand.”
Sure enough, the silver ring had been tucked between the foam pillars laced in velvet. The shut box kept the ring safe from all the elements. Even if it were to fall, the foam would absorb the fall and ease the weight of the drop.
Thinking about it falling, goosebumps raked down your arms. Seungmin disappeared back into the bathroom. He didn’t know what happened to you. He wasn’t in your dream and he didn’t know what went on in your dream. It had to have been a nightmare, but it felt so real.
If it had happened, you wouldn’t be here this morning. Your side of the bed would stay empty. Seungmin would wake up and stare at your side of the bed. His memories would flicker with your face and the relaxation along your facial muscles as you slept. He’d long to push your hair from your face and to trace his thumb along your lips to wipe away the smallest speck of forming drool.
He’d assume you’d be in the kitchen, but confusion would take over when he searched the apartment and couldn’t find you. Seungmin with his furrowed dark brows and a hint of a frown on his face. Fingers of frustration tugging back through his hair, eyes searching the area and trying to figure out where you might be so early in the morning. You usually didn’t leave without a text or a note, but his phone would remain empty.
When he came back from the bathroom, he tugged down his t-shirt to smooth out a few appearing wrinkles. “I’ve gotta head into work, but are you still prepared for dinner tonight? Waiting the whole day to eat with you is going to be a pain.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t tell me you forgot already. How could you forget? Hello?” He waved a playful hand in front of your dazed eyes. “Earth to you, anyone home? We planned a date night for today, remember?”
“Um…”
He chuckled at your confusion. “That nightmare really must have messed with your head. You’re here and you’re still mine.” Warm fingers curled around your wrists and squeezed. He tugged his hands back, lacing his fingers between yours. “You look dumb when you’re this confused, but I love you regardless.”
When the warmth of his kiss found your forehead, you suddenly felt like you might cry. Tears sprouted in your eyes before you could stop them. His playful mood dropped and his face fell. “Babe? What’s wrong?”
You blinked rapidly and shook your head. The lump in your throat clogged your vocal cords. You tried to pull your hands away from him, but he tightened his grip. A sniffle and a glance away. The worry in Seungmin grew, but his voice softened. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Use your words.”
“I don’t know,” you croaked in a high-pitched voice. “I feel like I don’t deserve this sometimes.”
“Did you fall on your head in that dream or something? Are you crazy? Of course, you deserve this. This and so much more.” He tugged you closer and pulled you into his arms.
“You’re going to be late for work.”
“Oh, shut up. Who cares? Work can wait. Let me hold you and suffocate you with my love or whatever Hyunjin says when he squeezes the life out of Jeongin.”
Without another word, you leaned forward and pressed your face into him. The warm scent of cedar and ginger engulfed you tightly. Your fingers curled around his back and palmed the warmth of his skin. The way your bodies pressed against each other, it was familiar, but it was different this time. This time, the flicker of hope briefly sparked in your head.
If he was willing to hold you like this and be late for work, maybe there was a possibility that his words weren’t as worthless as your brain believed they were.
~ ~ ~
The engines sound the same. Standing across the cross walk in front of your favorite coffee stop, deja vu hit hard. Engines rumbled in the nightmare. The stop and go of reflective metal and the faint honking of horns. The cross walk signaled for you to pass the intersection, but you stood frozen in time.
People walked in and out of the coffee shop. Friday meant pay day for a multitude of people. Everyone rushed to get their usual morning energy. Routines had been placed long ago and very few things halted them. You were supposed to be at work by now, but you called in and called off, claiming you were sick.
Baristas worked hard behind the counter. Teamwork, constant shuffling, and so much movement. Bodies behind bodies, the hiss of the milk steamer, dripping espresso shots, and the ding of a toaster oven. Thick spreads of cream cheese on flavored bagels and the jerk of the cash register opening to spew out cash.
Everything moved how it was supposed to, but not you. Your feet stuck along the pavement and you couldn’t move. If it really happened, you wouldn’t be here today. You wouldn’t be in this spot and everything would be over.
And if I would have done it, if I would have let myself fall, where would I be now?
“I like your shoes.”
Your thoughts broke and you glanced over. A stranger smiled when your eyes met. She kicked out her own foot, showing you her scuffed up and faded sneakers. “I picked mine out a few years ago. The memory foam in this one is worn way down. Where’d you get yours?”
You blinked. “Um, there’s a shoe store in the mall. I don’t remember the name of–”
“The nearest one? Wait, I think I’ve been there before. Faceless mannequins in the window with sporty stuff, right? They have a bunch of athletic shoes on display. All the big names like Nike and Adidas.”
“Yeah, that’s it.” You glanced down at your shoes. Your footing shifted and you suddenly felt too exposed. “My boyfriend picked out the color. I was stuck between two colors and he said this one looked better with my complexion.”
The woman hummed softly and nodded. She adjusted the cross body bag hanging over her shoulder. Sleek leather and a golden emblem that you didn’t know the brand of. She unzipped it and dug through it to find her wallet. “He must have a good sense of style. They look great on you.”
“Thank you.” The words poured out without stopping. “I like to think I’m incredibly lucky to have him.”
She rummaged for a few more moments until she found it.“I bet.” Her head went back to the opposite cross walk. “Would you look at that? I can finally cross this way now. Have a good day!” She sent you another pearly white smile before hurrying into the intersection and passing the row of awaiting vehicles.
You sucked in a slow deep breath and reconsidered the interaction. Eyes shutting, your head tilted towards your chest. You never spoke much about your pain. Pulling attention to it had always felt wrong, as if you were burdening people with it. Everyone always says speak out and reach out for help when you need it, but they don’t tell you how vulnerable and humiliating it feels to have thoughts that don’t feel regulated.
The brain is an organ and depression is a brain disorder. The chemicals are physically disrupted and the brain is inflamed. Too many people don’t look at it like that. They believe if you manage your emotions better, the problem fixes itself. If you eat more or less, if you spend an hour exercising, if you drink more water, and the list goes on.
Sure, those things will help increase your mood and they might physically be better for you and your body, but eight glasses of water isn’t enough to rearrange the chemicals in your brain. Three meals a day isn’t enough to fix the thoughts that paralyze a person when they go to bed at night. Sixty minutes of exercise isn’t enough to erase the self-doubt forever.
They can help, but they will never be the full cure.
~ ~ ~
The iced matcha tasted somewhere between freshly mowed wet grass and dirt. Ice clanked around the sides of the plastic cup as you walked. During your visit to the cafe, you glanced at the menu and ordered it in the spur of the moment. Deep down, you assumed you needed some brightness to follow the dreary day.
After Seungmin left, you didn’t want to stay behind. Quite frankly, you didn’t feel comfortable staying in the apartment alone right now. The dream freaked you out too much. You felt everything and even now that a few hours had passed, you couldn’t shake the weight of it from your shoulders.
You sipped mouthfuls of matcha and forced yourself to swallow. You’d spent too much money on the drink to let it go to waste. It gave you something to do while you walked. Each cold sip reminded you that you were real. You were real and walking downtown Seoul.
Above the collage of buildings towering above your head, the sun fought with clouds. They kept fighting back and forth. Just as the sun peaked out, clouds rolled over and came back to hide it. Seoul still felt damp. You didn’t remember it raining in your nightmare, but when you stepped outside, you could smell the remains of ozone embedded in the air.
Each step you took, wet pavement met your foot. Small puddles formed in the dips and potholes. Varnished awnings dripped with water and rain drops had yet to dry from windows and buildings. Wet brick and the splashing of your shoes. Water built up along the sides of the road. Not much, but enough to warrant a quick spray of water when cars moved too far to the sides of the road. Parked vehicles included tires laying in puddles.
You walked around with uncertainty. You were here and in your body, but you didn’t mentally feel like you were there. The world felt distant, a sheet of glass separated you from experiencing it within your body. The further you walked, you thought it’d help, but it didn’t.
Further and further, down the busy intersections, past those who were out and about, ignoring the objects in the windows trying to catch everyone’s eyes. New sales and brightly colored clothes. An old antique shop with vintage signs. Restaurants with open doors with their flavors that churned your stomach. Hunger didn’t strike, but the stomach reacted anyway. You’d grown so used to the hunger pains, they didn’t bother you much anymore.
The food became a sticky wet paste. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow. So much movement. Eat the food, wash the dishes, floss, and brush your teeth because of it. Pry your mouth open for the dentist every six months and pray sugar didn’t rot your teeth away.
Living took so much effort and your effort dissolved weeks ago. For weeks, you spent so much effort pretending you weren't unraveling inside. Your brain spiraled out of control, the thoughts choked you, and Seungmin wasn’t enough to stop it. You thought that’s what it’d take.
Truly, you loved Seungmin. Not only were you attracted to him, but he used to give you butterflies at one point. You blushed at his teasing and nearly fainted each time your lips met. Handfuls of his t-shirt threaded between your fingers, intertwining your legs at night, curling up close to one another, even when he grumbled about it playfully.
When things started to get bad again, you were certain it wouldn’t be like last time. You had Seungmin and he cared for you. You used to be so certain until your brain told you otherwise. When the anxiety heightened, so did the realizations of the minor things. It all mixed together and snipped the tether the two of you once had.
When he gently pushed you away after having a long day, he needed a few minutes to wind down and relax, but you thought it was his way of pushing you away physically and mentally.
When he ignored you after you asked a question, you didn’t realize he got caught up in his own thoughts and you swore he did it on purpose.
When he’d ask your opinion on minor things and he went against your suggestion, you took it personally, not realizing Seungmin merely had a mind of his own and sometimes did it to tease you.
Boyfriends were supposed to fix the inner pain and keep you from spiraling, you were sure of it. A kiss when you were in physical pain or mental distress. Soft touches and tugging one another close. Fingers threaded through your hair, someone to take care of you when you were unwell, someone to hear you out and give you advice. The delight of having someone beside you when you watched TV, so you could share your opinions and conspiracies for future plot lines with.
It was never enough.
As you walked from one neighborhood and deeper into another, you mentally unraveled. Thoughts churning with tears burning behind your eyes, the lump in your throat cemented itself and refused to go away. No matter how much you threw yourself into the depths of a relationship with another, you could crucify yourself for them, but it’d never be enough to fix what was wrong with your head.
Using the sleeve of your jacket, you wiped away the tears. At some point, you cut a corner and realized you had no idea where you were. Cursing beneath your breath, you kept walking towards the row of businesses. Buildings towered overhead in various heights. You yanked out your phone to map yourself back home from your location and paused when you heard the sound of a humming engine and the hiss of water.
Fingers curling tighter around your phone screen, you looked up to find a worker standing across the street with a pressure washer. Beneath a high-rising apartment building, four orange cones sectioned off an area of the sidewalk. An engine whirled and spit out a heavy stream of water. With each pass over the sidewalk, murky liquid oozed off the pavement and onto the street. An open drain gurgled as water built up and sank between the thin slits.
I don’t want to be a body on the pavement that has to be power washed away because pieces of my brain and skull fragments are splattered in every direction. I don’t want to listen to every bone in my body crack while the back of my head caves in. I don’t want strangers gawking at my crumpled corpse.
I don’t want to imagine the people I love dressed in their funeral best while they stand over my coffin. I don’t want to go somewhere else and end up alone. I don’t want to see the sun for the last time today.
The tears came wet and hot. If the worker across the way noticed, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he kept hosing down the sidewalk. The dark concrete revitalized itself three shades lighter. Up above, a tenant lazily leaned out their window. Arms along the window frame, a single string of smoke funneled out and into the abyss. Ashes rained down and were quickly washed away and into the sewer.
You spun around, nearly slamming into a stranger. Their eyes widened when they took on your teary appearance. The matcha in your hand trembled. Nearly half-consumed, the ice had melted and watered down the flavor.
“Woah, are you okay?”
“Yeah, rough morning. Sorry, excuse me.” You stepped around them and hurried away.
They glanced over their shoulder and watched you with furrowed brows, but they didn’t chase after you.
Fingers gripping your cup, deja vu hit you again. No wonder this area looked so familiar. It was different without the darkness, but the building structures were the same. When you glanced back, black spots speckled your vision. Beneath that apartment building, you were certain you landed there in the dream.
Nausea clawed apart your stomach. A hand went to your mouth and you forced yourself to continue walking. The world caved in and everything you’d been holding back erupted. The ache of sadness, the twisted insecurities, and the constant self-betrayal set your soul ablaze.
The wildfire in your head had grown so massive, you couldn’t contain it anymore. You’d never be able to outrun it alone. Everything once good, if you kept going the way you were going, you’d never experience it again.
You wanted to experience the sound of your laughter as Seungmin picked you up and threw you over his shoulder when the two of you bickered. You wanted the warmth to appear in your stomach when you kissed. You wanted a ring on your finger and a secured forever with him.
The familiarity of family dinner and conversations from your relatives during family events. The family pet grew older alongside you and if you stopped showing up for holiday dinners, you didn’t know who would sneak them food. Who else was going to insist on creating new traditions and taking too many photos to document the moments?
And the game nights with Seungmin and group members? When all nine of you would settle down at someone’s place and there’d occasionally be others. They’d bring friends from other companies. Once upon a time, Chan brought along his sister. In the middle of bickering, Felix once facetimed his sisters and demanded they properly explain the rules for a game they’d played as children because he couldn’t remember the details, but he wanted everyone to play it.
You could barely breathe as you forced your cell phone from your back pocket. The contact names blurred, but you knew Seungmin’s name was at the top. You’d purposefully labeled it, so it would be. With a sniffle, you clicked the button to call him. The phone rang once and then twice. You shifted your body, shifting your weight from one leg to the other. “Please pick up. Please.”
On the fourth ring, his voice appeared. “Babe? Are you okay? You never call me at work.”
You squeezed your eyes shut. You sucked in a sharp breath and forced out the hoarse words. “Can you come home?”
“Come home?” He repeated in confusion. Last he knew, you were on your way to work. He left first and an hour later, you’d report to your own job. “Huh?”
“Please, Seungmin.”
It nearly killed you to admit it, but you forced the words out anyway.
“It’s an emergency.”
~ ~ ~
By the time your Uber pulled up to your apartment, Seungmin was already there. Standing out front, he paced back and forth until he heard the car door. His head jerked up and there you were. Eyes full of tears, cheeks puffy, and a half-consumed matcha. He rushed forward in a panic.
Still in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he was still sweaty from dance practice. He always kept his phone in his pocket for dance practice. It was always on vibrate. Everyone knew not to call him at certain times unless it was an emergency. When he felt the vibrations mid-practice, he picked it up as soon as he could.
You practically collapsed into his arms with relief. The matcha dropped to the ground and the plastic lid popped off. Cloudy green soaked the sidewalk and the grass, but you didn’t care. As you laid your head against him, you busted into a fit of heavy sobs. Everything came out as your body deflated.
Seungmin’s body wasn’t cold and unforgiving. He didn’t feel anything like the sidewalk felt in your dream. He was here and he was present. Cedar and warm ginger welcomed you. His arms flew up in confusion. Eyes crinkling with concern, he slowly wrapped his arms around your trembling figure.
“Babe, you’re scaring me. What happened? What’s wrong?”
“I-I need help.”
“What?”
“I-I wanna die. I had a dream that I jumped off a building. I had a plan. I-I was going to and the nightmare a-and I–” Your words fractured into another sob.
Memories of this morning came back to him. The conversation he held with you while brushing his teeth. Your shriek scared him, but after a few moments, you seemed to settle down. Yes, it’d been a nightmare, but he didn’t think it was that bad. Everyone had nightmares and you weren’t immune to them, neither was he. He’d had his own fair share of them before.
Sure, you started crying before he left this morning, but he’d assumed it was a case of a nightmare overwhelming you. You were still half asleep earlier. By the time he pulled away and started to leave, he made sure to set the alarm on your phone for a little later, so you’d be up and around in time for work. He thought it was confusion and panic from the nightmare mixed with your obvious sleepiness.
“What?” His voice rose with panic. “Slow down. Look at me.” He reached up and gently cupped your chin. “I need you to take a deep breath and explain it to me slowly. Babe, you’re babbling.”
“I-I was going to kill myself,” you whispered.
His face fell as you repeated a new variation of your original words. He didn’t respond right away. His own lump formed in his throat. He loved you so much, he hadn’t imagined a life without you. He’d been so greedy when it came to you. The idea of not waking up next to you, it was unbearable.
“I-I’m sorry to call you from work. I called off this morning. The nightmare made me rethink things.” Your voice grew shrill. “I don’t wanna be numb anymore. Seungmin, I want to live.”
Your words were such a bombshell, he nearly collapsed while holding you. Not once did he ever realize you were keeping such huge feelings at bay. Barely anything had changed between the two of you. Sure, you were a little quieter lately and you seemed a bit more moody, but when he questioned you, you announced you’d been mentally working through some things. He didn’t mind it because he’d had those times himself. It seemed like whatever it was, you hadn’t needed help sorting through it.
He watched you eat and always pressed a bottle of water into your hands in the evening. Even if you weren’t drinking enough water, you were drinking a half-bottle or the full bottle. That was better than nothing. The two of you shared laughter and meals together. You still watched TV and bickered about who liked the best character.
As he combed through all the memories from the past few weeks, he could barely notice differences. They were so minor, so normal, and he’d never thought they were because of anything like this. You were drowning, but you were good at hiding your true feelings. If you were hiding, you couldn’t be a burden.
But if you were hiding, you couldn’t get better. You carried the weight of everything alone. All the negative thoughts and self-insecurities. You hid your exhaustion and forced yourself to get up and numbly move through day-after-day. You forced the smiles and complimented the food he made, pretending you could still taste everything.
Your brain screamed at you from some terrified part of your head.
What are you doing? You’re being a burden! He’s going to think you’re too much to handle and he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never see you again. He’ll ghost you and disappear forever. You’ll lose what little goodness you have.
But if Seungmin really loves me, he’ll help me carry the weight of everything. That’s what loving someone means, it means comforting them when they’re sad, it means reminding them there’s still good in themselves and in the world. It’s not about fixing everything, it’s about giving someone the stability and strength to catch their breath while they regain their footing.
The angel and devil sat on your shoulders bickering, but you pushed both thoughts away. Arms curled around Seungmin, you braced yourself for his response. You didn’t get one right away. When it came, it nearly took your breath away.
His arms curled around you so tight, you could barely breathe. He buried his head in the side of your head, inhaling the scent of your shampoo. His voice came out in a fragile whisper. “Please don’t leave. I need you here. We need you here. Everyone needs you here.”
And that’s all it took before you burst into another fit of sobs. Those were the words you’d been silently begging to hear, but they’d never come until today. Someone sprayed a fire extinguisher along the wildfire in your brain. The flames didn’t go out completely, but they’d lowered and this time, they didn’t burn so badly.
Seungmin steadied you, keeping you curled tight against him as you cried. He didn’t care about the vehicles passing by and he didn’t care about the nosy dog staring at the two of you from across the street.
He cared about you and making sure you were safe. He’d never been good at expressing himself with words, but he’d find them all for you. He’d write you a thousand songs about your worth and spend hours singing. He’d keep you curled in his arms for eternity, if that’s what it meant to keep you safe. He’d do anything to keep you here.
By the time your sobs quieted and you were full of shaky breaths, you kept your head against his chest. Your ear pressed against his heart, hearing the steady thump. Your own heart pumped steadily in your own chest. You stood up against him whole and that’s all you’d ever wanted to be.
“Come on,” Seungmin finally uttered softly. He shifted and curled an arm around your back. “Let’s go inside, so we can talk about everything.” He brushed a hand over his eyes to wipe away his own tears. “I want to know what I can do to help you.”
And for the first time in a long time, your body relaxed with physical and emotional relief.
Lab Rats, I’ve hesitated to post this, but I want to be honest about why my upload schedule has been hectic and why I’ve been absent for over a week. It feels weird to not have posted a fic in that long. Honestly, I used to have fics written far in advance and it'd take everything in me not to post them early.
For the past month, I’ve been dealing with a serious safety issue involving a tenant in my apartment complex who has been stalking/observing me. As someone who already struggles with anxiety and depression, this has been incredibly draining on my mental health. Nothing can describe the constant dread, paranoia and sleep deprivation that comes with the feeling of being watched in your own home.
Before you worry too much, please know that I’m taking as many precautions as I can to keep this situation from escalating. My loved ones have my location all the time. Everything in my complex is documented via multiple 24/7 filming cameras management has up. Plus, I’m keeping a log of everything that has happened, along with the date and time.
The proper authorities have been notified. They’re aware of the situation, but legally speaking, there’s not much they can do until an actual crime is committed. The same goes for my landlord. That sucks, but it is what it is.
Writing has always been my safe haven, but right now, my energy is being poured into staying safe and doing what I can to remain safe. Due to this, fics will be posted when I get to them. It might be on random days at random times. I’ve been trying to write a bit here and there, but it’s not nearly as much as I’d like it to be. It turns out, when you’re dealing with such a situation, you’re not really in the mood to do anything besides sleep and attempt to find some sort of peace. When I finish a fic and I'm satisfied with it, I'll post it. I'll post more polls for the doctor AU when I'm certain my brain doesn't feel so frazzled.
Please know that I’m not ignoring you, I’m prioritizing my life. I promise I’m safe and I’m focused on turning my distress into action to keep that sense of safety. I’m doing everything I can to keep this situation from becoming worse and trying to do the best I can given these frustrating circumstances. Thank you for the kindness some of you have already shown in my inbox, it truly means the world to me. Instead of responding one-by-one, I’d figure I’d drop a single statement, so I’m not confusing everyone.
I’ve handled a situation exactly like this before, so I have no doubt this one will be handled properly again. Please stay safe in your own lives and thank you for bearing with me while I navigate this strange moment in my life.
You know, sometimes I wish I could sit down and have a cup of coffee (honestly tea I dislike coffee) and talk to people I only ever see/read on screen regardless of location. Like wouldn’t it be nice to chat with my favorite fanfic author (you), or talk about life with Namjoon?
Me?!? 🥺 You would have tea and I would drink coffee. Lately, tea is not something I've been drinking. Really though, I totally get that. I feel that way with every member of Skz. I love all of them for various reasons, but I think I'd like to pick the brains of Jisung, Hyunjin, and Seungmin the most. Jisung's artistic ability to convey emotions in his songs, Hyunjin's tendency to romanticize the mundane within his paintings, and Seungmin's discipline and the constant ability to want to improve in different aspects of life.
It's definitely easier to idolize people when they're on a digital screen/concert stage. There's something charming about it. I cannot speak on behalf of Namjoon, I don't know a ton about him. Chatting with me, I think it's easy for me to become annoying because I'm the type of person who sends long paragraphs or 5-6 text messages in a row when I get comfortable enough.
I act a bit more serious on this page than I do in real life. If you read between the lines of some of my stuff, you'll notice when I write angst or comfort/hurt, I tend to make it more upbeat with humor and that's who I am as a person. I struggle to take things seriously all the time.
Not everyone is equipped for that sort of chaotic energy. It's a miracle that I have a best friend who is content with the way I am. It's the biggest blessing in the world. Before I'm a fanfic writer, I'm a woman who finds the world to be fascinating and magical if you look hard enough. So much to do, so much to see, so many people to interact with.
I hope you're always able to find people around you that have the quirks/traits in the people you admire. While it's nice to find people you like on the screen, it's ten times better to experience it irl. It's a beautiful thing to have and everyone deserves to have some sort of beauty <3
I'm so hungry I could eat all three of your masterlists and your series masterlist and you. Did you have a yummy lunch? I need lunch inspo. Whaddya make?
Excuse me? 🤨 If you eat me, you're not getting more fics. Did you ever consider that? I had a great lunch yesterday, but I'm not sure I should give you the details since you're considering cannibalizing me. What did I do to deserve that? I don't think you'll want to make what I made, especially since you are apparently so starved, you want to eat me. My dish took over an hour to make (but it was absolutely worth it in my opinion)
I cubed up some steak and created a homemade beef gravy with caramelized onions and mushrooms to go with it. I paired it with scalloped potatoes on the side, along with cooked peas and carrots. Honestly, I think I should have made mashed potatoes with it and drizzled the beef and gravy over them. Maybe I'll do that next time.
I look at cooking as an adventure. Some days, I never know what I'm going to make. I go into the kitchen, find items, and throw them together to create a dish. You can never go wrong with a carb, some sort of protein, and a vegetable. That's about all I've been consuming recently. Rice is a holy grail in my household. Meat, rice, and veggies. The options are limitless.
My favorite protein is eggs. Eggs, a bit of milk to make them fluffy and added salt, and pepper. You can eat them alone. You can put them on toast as an egg salad sandwich. You can put it on a bagel, an english muffin or in a tortilla for a breakfast burrito. Add cheese, hot sauce, ketchup, or whatever you want really. Pair them with bacon, ham, or sausage. Eat eggs alone. Make french toast. Sprinkle scrambled eggs over pancakes or waffles.
There are a lot of options of things to eat out in the world. Personally, nearly everything I make is purely created by me taking meat or protein and saying how can I add jazz to this and make it flavorful? Fish, eggs, chicken, ground turkey, some sort of pork cut, tofu, and occasionally ground beef (ground beef is so expensive in america now, it's insane) that's usually my constant go-to. Seasonings and sauces are there to elevate the flavors and enhance the taste.
Every day, I'm so thankful for the spice trade and the internet. Genuinely. The horrors of having an overcooked, dry full-sized turkey on Thanksgiving and only having it seasoned with salt and pepper are imprinted in my brain. Life is much more than merely salt and pepper. So many spices, seasonings, braises, gravies, soups, etc. In terms of flavor profiling, this is one of the best times to be alive.
Although, if I'm lazy, you can expect to find me pulling out dinosaur chicken nuggets or a frozen pizza. If I don't feel good, I skip everything hard and make ramen. After all, life is about balance. Some days are harder than others. Some days, you need to take a deep breath and bite into a dinosaur chicken nugget, feeling grateful that out of all the problems in the world, at least we don't have huge dinosaurs terrorizing us when we go outside 🫡
Woah, they're so pretty. I hope Tumblr adds more color options one day. It's horrendous not to have a yellow option. Justice for the color yellow. Unfortunately, I am. I haven't had one recently, thank god. I did see some places were having them a few days ago. I'm in Ohio, so I've had my fair share of fighting off tornadoes 😮💨
reading the last post with a chuckle cuz lie-ah doesnt know her page is popular with certain jyp staffers. we know. goofy girl. is every american this dense? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
The way I had to pause the Skz song I was listening to and read this multiple times to understand it out of sheer disbelief. I can't tell if I'm being trolled or if a staff member thought it'd be funny to stress me out. What are you doing here? Omfg, it's like being caught with your pants down 🥲
I don't know what post this is in response to because I haven't been online for a few days. I haven't been responding to inbox messages asap like I used to. I've only been trying to respond to things on the days I post fics, so I don't bore everyone.
I hope you enjoy whatever it is you do. The potential concept of JYP staff members being here and reading my fanfic is going to give me a heart attack. I just got up, but I need to go lay down. Please know that none of these stories have ever been made with malicious intent. They're solely for fans to read and giggle/cry over. JYP staff members and Skz, please don't sue me 😮💨
This is how your message is finding me. Trolling or dead serious, I'm so scared:
There's always something new happening in the maternity ward. After your shift, you finally learn the reasoning behind your best friend's assault.
Episode 10
Episode Log
If Dr. Lee doubted where you were, it ended when you explained the plastic surgeon and psychiatrist you ran into. If anything, he was happy to finally have a fresh drink, a drink not watered down by half-melted ice. He exchanged an iPad for the drink and sent you on your way to check a patient’s incision. You went one way and he chugged a few sips of his drink before scurrying another way.
The halls were less crowded. Memories of the large family at the end of the hall caused your head to shake. The faint throb of your head turned into a dull pulse. Thankfully, it was a surface ache and not a migraine. The iPad in your hand felt heavier than the tea you brought up. After a few swallows, you placed it in the break room with your name.
The name and room number popping up on the iPad sent relief through your veins. It wasn’t Yuna’s room. That could be a later event, but now wasn’t the time. Instead, you hurried towards a room and gently knocked on a half-shut door. There wasn’t a response, so you slowly inched the door open.
Inside the hospital room, a woman laid beneath a white sheet. Laying back at a forty-five degree angle, she stared at the nearby bassinet her baby laid in. Swaddled in a white blanket with light pink strips, the patient’s daughter slept soundlessly. Clear sides of the plastic bassinet left the baby visible to hospital staff and parents.
“Hello, Mrs. Kim,” You started.
“Please call me Jane. I’m not much of a Mrs. Kim anymore. My husband died a few months ago in a car accident, so...” She trailed off.
Your heart ached at the words spilling from the patient’s mouth. You stepped forward. “I’m sorry to hear that. Dr. Lee performed your C-section, but I’ll be one of the doctors checking in on you. How’s your incision feeling?”
She shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Can’t feel much of it.”
“Do you mind if I check it out?”
She reached down and peeled away the sheet. As she moved, you walked into the attached bathroom to wash your hands. You kept your movements quieted, trying not to frighten the baby across the way. Eyes half-shut, the baby had stirred from your unfamiliar voice.
A long red line pierced through the woman’s golden skin. With gloved hands, you carefully peeled back some of the taped gauze to examine the area. Despite the red line, there wasn’t any expanding redness. Nothing leaked or oozed. “I’m going to gently prod around the area to make sure everything feels correct. If anything hurts too much, let me know.”
Jane’s eyebrows furrowed at the prodding, but she didn’t complain of any pain. “What’s the point of pushing around my lumpy stomach?”
“Well, since you were pregnant, the baby sits in the uterus. Imagine an upside down pear, that’s what your uterus normally looks like. When a baby grows within it, it expands to about the size of a large watermelon. When the baby was removed, the blood vessels in your uterus started to contract and it shrank a little.”
The woman’s eyes widened at the comparisons. You tried to keep a straight face, but it was hard to hide your smile. “I know,” you continued. “It sounds a bit wild, doesn’t it? When I’m pressing along your stomach, I’m making sure your uterus is firm and contracting properly. If it wasn’t firm, we’d have an issue on our hands.”
“Is it okay?”
“Yeah.” You shot her a reassuring smile. “It looks good and your uterus is contracting the way it’s supposed to.”
“That area is kinda tender when you press on it.”
“I’m sorry.” You pulled your hands away. “That’s normal as well. There’s a few different layers that Dr. Lee cut through for the C-section. Over the next few weeks, that tenderness will go away as your body heals. Only tenderness? Nothing else?”
“No.”
You worked carefully to work away the rest of the medical tape and gauze. “I’m sorry Dr. Lee left abruptly earlier. This ward is always busy. I’m going to replace this old gauze with fresh gauze.”
“I don’t mind. When I came in, he was the only doctor I wanted. He’s my sister’s ob-gyn and she recommended him when I found out I was pregnant. She was here for the birth, but she had to go back home. I’m glad I wasn’t alone, she made it less scary.”
“She sounds like a good sister.”
“She is.”
The two of you continued talking as you replaced the bandages. When you finished, you peeled off the gloves and tossed them into a nearby trash can. Once they disappeared, you walked over to the sink and began to scrub.
“Any time you transfer patient care, wash your hands. Unsure if you need to wash your hands at some point? Wash your hands and switch gloves. Rather be too careful than transfer bacteria and infect a patient with germs from negligence.”
The words played on a loop in the back of your head. Something you were constantly aware of. At some jobs, it was easy to mentally tune out and complete tasks. In the medical world, it was something staff members had to be constantly aware of. One wrong accidental mishap with a pair of gloves and infection could set in. One disease transferred to another patient and things became wonky.
“How’s the baby?” Your voice filled the air again. “Any concerns?”
The woman tugged her hospital gown over the new gauze. Since she’d given birth, she thought she’d feel relief, but it wasn’t there. Her sister did her best to ease her through her throne of worries, but it wasn’t enough. Newfound parenthood was hard, but without the moral support and the loss of her husband added to her grief.
“She’s been quiet. Dr. Lee said some babies are born like that. Maybe it’s my fault because I haven’t held her as much as I probably should.”
You glanced over your shoulder. “It’s okay to be nervous. Is she your first child? Lots of mothers are nervous. Even those who are on their second or third kid are nervous.”
“She um…”
The bag of grief burst again. The woman’s words fell flat. She blinked rapidly, trying to hold herself together. Not noticing, the sharp snap of latex gloves filled the air. You wiggled your hands into them and headed to the baby. Tucked inside a light pink hat, strands of black hair poked out in every direction.
Big brown eyes watched you as you slowly unraveled the blanket she was swaddled in. “Hi,” you cooed softly. “Look at those eyes, you’re so cute. I checked on your mom. She’s doing well and now it’s your turn.”
It took everything in you not to boop the baby’s curved nose. Rounded cheeks held pockets of baby fat. Tiny fists dropped in each direction as her arms dropped to each side. Wrapped in nothing, but the hat and a newborn diaper, tiny legs kicked once freed.
You continued speaking softly as you placed the stethoscope into your ears and gently pressed the bottom against the baby’s chest. You braced yourself for the sharp wail of a cry, but it never came. Instead, the baby watched you in silence. A hand briefly shot up, brushing against the plastic cord before returning to the bed.
“She has his face,” her mother continued from the bed. “Every time I hold her, I see him. That’s his nose and those are his eyes.”
The steady thump of the baby’s heart remained strong. Lungs pulsed air in and out without an issue. No shortness of breath or slow heartbeat to worry about. A thin jelly-like tube dangled from her belly button. Despite the umbilical cord being cut, a piece of it remained there and it’d stay there until it shriveled up and fell off, slipping away like a healed scab.
You tugged the stethoscope down. “What was he like? Your husband? Tell me about him.”
Jane didn’t respond right away. She wanted to tell you everything. There were times when she was sick and he’d come home from work at the drop of a dime. When she revealed the pregnancy, he fell into her lap crying and squeezed her hands. For years, no matter how much the pair tried, pregnancy never came. Just as they were about to swallow the realization that one of them had to be infertile, the pharmacy pregnancy test read two lines instead of one.
Jane held her breath and bought three more boxes, terrified it was a fluke, but it wasn’t. Six pregnancy tests, five positives and only one negative. She lined them all up along the bathroom sink on a towel. Her husband stepped inside after work and before he could use the toilet, he came out screaming at the top of his lungs.
“Are you serious? Are you serious? You’re pregnant?!”
It was the happiest day of their lives. Through the nausea, through the cramping, through the swollen feet, he was there for all of it until he wasn’t. The exhaustion during the pregnancy didn’t matter. The distance from caffeine, the lack of sushi was bearable, everything was going well until the cops showed up at her house mid-morning on a dreary Wednesday.
There are a lot of burdens in pregnancy. The weight gain, the stretched skin, and the newfound insecurities that come along with it. Eating for one becomes eating for two. Just when she thought her stomach couldn’t possibly expand more, it did. The second trimester, newfound stretch marks, constant heartburn, and then the death of her husband.
Pregnancy is hard, but it’s even harder when planning a funeral.
Tears pooled down Jane’s cheeks. “He was the love of my life. No matter how hectic life became, no matter how bad the symptoms of pregnancy were, he was always there. Always. It’s been so difficult not being able to talk to him throughout all of this. A nurse held my hand while I gave birth, but it was supposed to be him. He was supposed to be there for this.”
You swallowed the lump forming in your own throat. The emotions had been brewing within her for a while and you drug a scalpel across the amniotic sac of sadness. It gushed out, oozing and dripping everywhere.
“My sister has been a big help and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for my friends, our parents, and everything they’ve done for me. I’m surrounded by great people, but I’ve never been so lonely before. The only person I want to lean on right now is gone and I can’t bring him back. I blame myself, I blame the drunk driver that hit him, and then I blame everyone else.”
It was one of the most painful things to admit. Dealing with so much pain, absorbing the burden, and then the follow-up of hurt and anger. It builds up and words are thrown out with a vile wickedness; stones thrown from a tower of hurt and isolation.
“I try to keep my chin up, but he was my husband. I’ll never find another man like that. I don’t want anyone to take his place. I want him and no matter how much I beg to go back in time, I can’t.”
You listened without interruption. She sucked in a shaky breath and wiped away her tears. Head shaking, she squeezed her eyes shut. “I shouldn’t be putting this on you.”
“Technically, I’m your doctor and this is what I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to listen to you about the good and bad stuff.”
“Without him, everything is so much harder.”
You hummed softly, reaching down to examine the baby a bit more. When you finished, you carefully wrapped the baby up and tucked the blanket back over the sides of the baby to swaddle her. Without asking, you moved the bassinet all the way to the side of the hospital bed.
Jane didn’t speak. She watched you the way her baby watched you, silent and eyes full of curiosity. The pale blue hospital gown hung off one of her shoulders and revealed a thinning collar bone. She hadn’t washed her hair in a while. The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind of labor pains, exhaustion, and pain meds.
“You should talk to her about him. Your husband is her father, even if he’s gone. He might be gone, but she deserves to know about her father. One day, when she’s grown, she’ll want to know exactly who she came from.”
Jane’s lower bottom lip trembled. She sniffled and leaned over the side of the bassinet. “Can I hold her for a while?”
“Of course, she’s your baby.”
She reached forward to grab her and winced. Hand going to her stomach, the skin stretched around her incision. “I keep forgetting I’ve been cut open and sewn shut.”
You reached forward, carefully slipping your hands beneath the baby. “Soon, it’ll be fully healed and it won’t feel like anything happened. Until then, don’t be afraid to put the staff members to work. Don’t tell anyone, but she’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely.”
The baby squirmed and whimpered during the transfer. She didn’t settle until she was up against her mother. Curled into her chest, the smallest sigh escaped her nose, followed by a faint noise that could only be described as a coo.
“Thank you for this.”
“Both of you look good. Would you like a few minutes alone?” You reached for your closed iPad. “I’m sure the nurses would be happy to spare a few minutes of privacy.”
“I’d like that.”
Before you left, you adjusted the call button, so it was closer within her reach. Once you were certain they’d be okay, you slipped through the door and let it shut behind you. The door bumped into your back on the way out, nudging you back into the hall of staff members.
“Irrelevant to the conversation. We’re at work, so we’re talking about work. Is it a work related conversation? No. Not interested in a party. I’m here to save people’s lives, not party.”
Dr. Yoo’s high ponytail bounced and swung behind her head. She followed after Dr. Lee’s distancing figure. “Okay, so not a party, consider it a networking event.”
“For the last time, no. Our priority is our patients right now. You shouldn’t be bringing up outside events when we’re in the middle of the busiest time of our day. Do me a favor and go check on the patient in the first room on the left. Make sure the new nurse changed her foley catheter.”
Dr. Yoo’s eyes narrowed at his back. Despite her glare, Dr. Lee didn’t turn around. Instead, he tapped away on his iPad and continued heading in the other direction of the hall. It took a few seconds before you reacted and called out his name.
“Dr. Lee, do you have a moment to talk? I’m concerned about the patient you had me check on.”
He didn’t look back as he walked. Instead, he waved a hand, gesturing for you to follow him. “Let’s go, I’ve got a patient to see in this direction. Walk and talk. What’s the concern?”
You pushed your hand beneath a hand sanitizer pump before hurrying after him. Scrubbing in the sterile liquid and wincing from the sharp scent, you coated it all over your hands. The cold liquid seeped in and destroyed whatever germs you had left on your bare hands.
“Physically, everything looks good, but she’s disengaged from her newborn. Her husband is deceased after a car accident. She says she has support from people, but with the way hormones fluctuate after pregnancy, I’m concerned about postpartum depression. She’s angry, hurt, and ended up crying. I think it’d be a good idea to nudge her towards getting assistance for those heavy feelings.”
He paused and spun around. Hands in his coat pockets, he faced you. Your nerves suddenly grew by tenfold. Part of you wondered if you said something wrong. You braced yourself for him to brush you off, but instead he said something that made you nearly cry.
“What’s your suggestion?”
“We call in the psych unit and have one of our psychiatrists talk to her. If she can explain what she just explained to me, I think they’d be able to diagnose her and–”
“No.”
“No?” You repeated softly. The corners of your mouth dipped into a frown. “But Dr. Lee, this is–”
“This is a case for our social work team. You know how to page other departments?”
You nodded.
“Don’t page them. Go up to the nursing station. There are phone numbers for every department lead. Call the social work lead and give them that info. A psychiatrist might freak her out, so let’s let a social worker handle this first. If more intervention is needed, we’ll get psych involved. Good catch. Tell them this needs to be handled today.”
Idiot.
Embarrassment burned your cheeks. Why didn’t you think of that first? In South Korean culture, family means everything and right now, from what you saw, that family aspect was lacking. Who would take care of the baby when the mother needed sleep? Who would she go home to and have by her side to reassure her she was doing her best?
How could she juggle the safety of herself and her baby if she wore herself out before she got started? She mentioned family and friends, but you weren’t sure if she’d lean on them for assistance or not.
“I’ll do that right now.”
“Excellent. Find Dr. Ono when you’re finished. See if she needs assistance with anything.”
“Yes, sir.”
He spun around and continued hurrying down the hall, leaving you behind with your thoughts. You watched his white coat flutter behind him for a few moments. It took a few seconds before you shook your head, snapped out of it, and spun around to follow his instructions. Your anxiety brewed and dripped with relief.
Even if it wasn’t what you thought it’d be, you were still getting assistance for your patient. A social worker could make sure both the mother and the baby had everything they needed to succeed. The clinical aspect of a psychiatrist can intimidate people. You hoped, no matter what happened, both patients were able to access the support they needed.
By the time your shift was over, your calves cramped. The nausea disappeared, but the exhaustion clung tight to your body. “Only a week and a half left,” you mumbled beneath your breath. “A week and a half left of PEP meds and then you’ll be done.”
At your vehicle, you clicked the lock, swung open the side door, and shoved a few items you brought with you into the passenger’s seat. The fabric lunchbox turned onto its side. The bottom weight of the stethoscope missed the chair and dropped onto the floor. The once darkened phone’s screen lit up. When you read Kanon’s contact name, Kanonball, you grabbed your phone and swiped across it.
“Hello?”
“You’re alive!”
“Yeah, I just got off my shift. I’m heading home.” You shoved the passenger’s door shut and headed to the driver’s side door. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
“Oh, I know you’re done. I’ve been waiting for the past hour. Are you hungry? Don’t answer that. Come over and I’ll make you dinner.”
On the other side of the phone, Kanon’s phone sat on speaker phone along the side of the counter. She stirred together a creamy coconut sauce. On top of the stove, the mixture seeped in a marriage. Coconut milk, lime juice, garlic, and fish sauce. The warmer the liquid grew, the thicker it’d become. Halibut fish roasted beneath the oven’s warm waves. Sweet and mild, it’d be dressed in the sauce once it came from the oven. Served over rice and sprinkled with chives, she couldn’t wait to consume it.
You hesitated on the other side of the phone. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s been a long day and the PEP meds still have my system wrecked. I don’t want to bother you and–”
“Don’t finish that sentence. Come on, please. I haven’t seen you in ages. I’ll get you an Uber home if that’s what you’re worried about. I miss your face and I care about you. Plus, I have something to tell you about the attacker, they caught him.”
That got your attention. You sat up straighter and pressed the phone tighter against your ear. “Caught him, like caught him, caught him? They caught the guy.”
“If you want to know more, you have to come over.”
“Fine. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll be there.”
“You won’t regret it!”
“Maybe twenty-five with the traffic.”
“That’s fine, the fish isn’t going anywhere, it’s already dead.”
You rolled your eyes, but a smile tugged on the edge of your lips. Of course Kanon would nearly get stabbed to death and still find the time to crack jokes while cooking dinner. You talked for a few more moments and parted ways.
With your phone off and both hands on the wheel, you had plenty of time to ponder the reasoning behind the violent attack.
The inside of Kanon’s house was no longer stained with blood. Marble white flooring sparkled beneath the dwindling sunlight. The moment her front door opened, you felt wildly underdressed. Ruhan Ito, Kanon’s husband, stood nearly a full head taller than you. A loose honey mustard shirt draped over a pair of black slacks. Realizing you had on your scrubs still, embarrassment washed over you.
“Who called in the doctor?” He joked.
“I should have changed my scrubs before I came.”
“Nonsense. It means you’re committed to the job and aren’t we all?” He held the door open wider to let you in.
High arches, wide open spaces, and buttercream walls laid out before you. The moment you stepped inside, you felt out of place. You filled your apartment with local art, beaded curtains, and things that made life worth living. The Ito household reminded you of the surgical procession of the hospital, shiny floors and spotless walls.
Before you could kick off your shoes, a decorative table sat with vases of flowers. Baskets of red, yellow, and orange tulips sat between glass vases. Flower pyramids of lilac, baby blue, and white lilies. A bundle of protruding dragon snaps caught you off guard. The lemon yellow plants stood upright between added greenery and the assistance of an oversized bright pink ribbon.
With the door shut, the floral scent hit you. You stared at them for a few moments. They covered the table and sat in neat rows along the wall. “Are you opening a floral shop?” You joked.
“It feels like it, but no. My colleagues, our families, and some other people sent well wishes when Kanon was in the hospital. Believe it or not, we still have bouquets coming every few days.”
You lined your shoes up with the edge of the rug and followed him towards the kitchen. Something simmered and sizzled. Coconut milk and citrus overpowered the floral scents. “That’s sweet. They’re a wonderful addition to the place.”
“And I plan to use them wisely,” Kanon called over her shoulder. “It’s about time we add some color to this place. Whoever made modern luxury equate to colorless palettes should feel what it’s like to be stabbed. What’s the point of living life without colors?”
She stood with her back to you and her husband. The rice cooker chirped a merry tune, signaling it finished cooking the rice. “Aha! Finally! How’d you do that? You arrived right on time.” She dropped the wooden spoon she used to simmer the sauce and moved to the rice cooker.
“Must have been magic,” you decided. “Where’s Yuwon? Sleeping?”
“I just got her down for a nap about twenty minutes ago. She’ll probably be asleep for most of the night,” Ruhan announced.
“Do you need any help serving?”
Kanon paused her movements with the non-stick serving spatula in her hand. “Pft, no. Are you crazy? You’re a guest in my house. You just got off work. Sit down at the bar table and relax.” She shot you a playful glare over her shoulder. “In the meantime, Ruhan, come help me serve plates.”
“Coming right up, honey.”
You envied the two of them. Ruhan worked full time at his family’s law firm. They’d stacked up a handful of the best lawyers in the area. Some days, he worked overtime, but he’d recently taken time off to be with Kanon after the brutal assault. Not only did someone break into their house, but they nearly killed his wife.
Some men would come home and claim defeat by the day’s events, but not Ruhan. Even on the days when he was tired, he came home and spent time with their daughter and Kanon. He did his best to make up for the time he was away at work. You could easily recall the countless times that Kanon said she was the luckiest woman in the world. You’d have to agree, she was lucky. Not only lucky, but fortunate.
Fortunate enough to be able to call for help after nearly being stabbed to death. Fortunate enough to have paramedics that worked tirelessly to save her on the way to the hospital. Fortunate enough to make it to the hospital. Fortunate enough to have a knife just barely miss her heart.
Fortunate was an understatement, but you remained grateful for everything. Here she was, standing in a flowy cotton sundress. The magenta color looked good against her skin and dark hair. She moved with ease, as if she hadn’t nearly lost her life a few weeks ago. If she had lasting trauma from it, you were sure she did, she didn’t complain.
Long hair tied back with a white bow, she worked effortlessly. When Ruhan stepped forth with glass plates, she scooped a bed of rice on each one. “Hey, I hope you like mangoes. I sliced up mangoes to go with this on the side.”
“Sounds delicious.”
“I’m certain pregnancy changed her taste buds. I’ve never seen her eat this much fish before. Lately, she loves making fish.”
“That’s probably because fish contain omega-3 fatty acids.” You crossed your arms over your chest and leaned forward. “You’re still breastfeeding, right? It takes quite a bit of calories to produce milk. Plus, your body is providing nutrients to Yuwon. By eating fish, you’re replacing the nutrients you’re pushing out while breastfeeding.”
Kanon froze. One hand sat beneath a plate Ruhan was holding. The two of them stared at you without a word. You wanted to stop the words from coming out of your mouth, but you couldn’t.
“If you’ve noticed a change in your eating habits, you’re probably right. After pregnancy, hormones tend to be a bit whacky. You might be craving more things. If you had an aversion to certain foods or drinks during pregnancy, you might still associate negative feelings with them. Pregnancy changes the body in a variety of ways, including when it comes to taste and scents. It can still affect you, even after giving birth.”
The goofiest grin spread across Kanon’s face. “I knew there was a great reason to have a doctor as a best friend!” She flung the spatula and a few grains of rice flew towards you. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not the first time I’ve had food flung at my head.”
“What?”
“Long story.”
“Ruhan, can you step back? I’ve gotta get these fish out of the oven before I burn them. Did I tell you they’re seasoned in a crumb coat? I can’t wait to put this in my mouth.”
You chuckled and watched her wiggle her hands into a pair of potholders. Inside the oven, halibut fish fillets sizzled as she pulled them out of the oven. A golden seasoning sprinkled over the top of them. The moment the scent hit you, your stomach rumbled. It took everything within you to remain patient and not squirm in your seat, like an excited toddler.
The moment a plate sat down before you, your stomach growled again. Ruhan and Kanon pulled chairs to the other side of the extended bar table. Kanon adjusted the baby monitor’s volume, cranking it up, so everyone could hear if Yuwon woke up. You didn’t touch your fork until the two of them started digging into their own plates of food.
“Breadcrumbs, dill, a bit of salt and pepper.” Kanon waved her fork around as she recalled all the spices she added into the seasoning mixture. “The white stuff soaking the rice is the coconut sauce. The lime juice enhances the taste.”
“Honey, you make a fine chef.”
“And you make a fine husband.”
Ruhan’s cheeks turned red. Black bangs tangled across his forehead. “Only because I have the best wife.”
The sparkle in Kanon’s eyes almost made you burst into tears. Unfortunately, you’d never been good with mushy love, so you ruined the moment instead. “I didn’t know I came over to watch an irl romcom.”
The pair shared another dreamy eyed look before bursting into laughter. Ruhan reached up and rubbed the side of his temple. Kanon scooped up another bite of rice. “We’re not used to having guests.”
“Your house, your rules.”
“Seriously, we’re glad you’re here and we’re grateful you found Yuwon. If you wouldn’t have found her…”
The light mood diminished with those words instantly. A newfound heaviness rolled in and sank the laughter. Kanon shook her head and looked away. Ruhan leaned over and placed his free hand over Kanon’s free hand.
“If there’s anything you need, let us know. We can pay–”
“What?” Your eyes widened and your head shook. “No way. Absolutely not. I didn’t rescue Yuwon expecting some sort of complimentary reward. I did it because I care about her and I care about you two. This dinner right here? This is the best thing I could ever ask for.”
“We want to thank you.”
“And I promise, this right here is enough. I haven’t had a homemade meal since I’ve been on the PEP meds. I’ve been too nauseated to eat or I only consume TV dinners. A person can only have so many TV dinners before they nearly lose their mind. I’ve been so tired after my shifts, cooking feels impossible.”
Kanon sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “I’m glad you like it, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.”
“Then tell me about you. How are you doing? Last time we talked, you said they removed your stitches.”
“They did. I have some pretty gnarly scars, but the doctors sewed me back into one piece and I’m grateful for that. I’m more grateful that Yuwon is young enough, she’ll never remember it happening.”
Ruhan squeezed Kanon’s hand so tight, her golden skin turned pale. The sweetened coconut sauce seeping into your rice didn’t taste as good. Chilled mango slices waited for you to take one out of a nearby bowl, but the craving dissolved immediately.
“It’s all my fault,” Ruhan whispered. “My job almost got my family killed.”
You raised an eyebrow.
“That’s not true,” Kanon insisted. “It’s not your fault someone attacked us. Sane people don’t break inside people’s homes with knives.”
Ruhan sucked in a shaky breath and pushed his thumb and index fingers into his eyes. Curiosity perked, but you remained quiet, waiting for them to inform you what happened on their own terms and when the time was right. Kanon’s thumb brushed against the back of his knuckles, reminding him she was there.
“That day, we had our security cameras rolling. They caught everything on film. We know exactly who broke in and we assume we know why it happened. Ruhan recently closed a malpractice case against the hospital and a family member of a deceased patient.”
“A woman died,” he croaked. “She had a reaction to the anesthesia. I defended the hospital against the malpractice lawsuit the husband filed against them. The case didn’t make it far. A judge dismissed the case. The husband was running off of high emotions and court cases require physical proof. Every staff member in that room did their best to save the patient, but you can’t save every patient.”
Flashes of Somi’s face flipped through your brain. Your own emotions ran high. Averting your eyes to the food in front of you, your own nausea came back. You remembered exactly how it felt to press down on the little girl’s sternum. To plead to a higher power to save her and stop the flatline.
“I met the guy once,” Ruhan continued. “He was aggressive and angry. He couldn’t cope with his wife dying. He blamed the doctors and the staff members. He blamed me for his wife not being able to get justice, but she signed off on the paperwork. She agreed to the surgery and she knew there was a risk involved.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
A lump built up in the back of your throat. It was tragic that the man’s wife was dead, but he nearly took out Kanon to gain his own version of justice. If his wife was dead, he’d kill Ruhan’s wife and make him feel how he felt. If the legal system dismissed his own case, he’d find justice himself.
“Well,” Kanon croaked, “the good news? He’s been arrested. Ruhan sent the police all the evidence and everything.”
“And I’ll be sure he gets the maximum penalty for what he did to my family.”
Faint wails broke through the tension. The baby monitor’s green light flickered with audio reception. Before anyone could do anything, Ruhan stood up. “I’ll take care of it. You two can continue eating. I’ll see if I can get her back to sleep.”
His footsteps faded away and silence crept between you and Kanon. You stared down at your plate without a word. Kanon sucked in a shaky breath and sniffled. When you looked up, she wiped away tears with the back of her hand. “I think it’s taken more of a toll on him than it has me. He feels like he’s failed everyone.”
“He was only doing his job,” you weakly defended him.
“It doesn’t matter to him. As far as he’s concerned, his job nearly killed me. If I wouldn’t have hidden Yuwon and fought back, it would have killed both of us.”
And with those words, you were once again reminded of how fragile life can be.
For as long as there's light, for as long as you last
Pairing: Jisung X gn reader
Summary: Your best friend has had romantic feelings for you since forever and you've always been terrified to admit you feel the exact same way.
Genre: Comfort/hurt
Word Count: 4K
The anxiety brewing in your stomach grew with every step. Gripping hand-painted rails from nearly a century ago, you forced one leg in front of the other and continued to trek upwards. Beneath you, black metal steps held your weight. Each step echoed off the empty limestone walls. Higher and higher you walked up the spiral staircase, with each step up, the world below looked further away than you’d like it to.
“I’m going to kill him,” you whispered beneath your breath. Sweat soaked the nape of your neck and your hairline. You’d lost count of how many steps you’d taken upwards.
The back of your calves burned. You made the mistake of glancing over the railing. Down below, a wooden table full of antique artifacts turned to unidentified objects. Old brochures of something once blooming with life, became old papers with words you couldn’t read, even if you squinted, and cocked your head.
When your best friend sent you an address and told you he was waiting at the top, you weren’t sure what you expected. The two of you did this every so often. You’d disappear into the abyss and send the other a text on your days off. Your own little version of wandering, a way to explore the area around you.
The last time you played this game, you ended up preparing a picnic on the top of a random hill, a new telescope pointed high into the night sky, outlined by the silhouette of the moonlight, you spoke of the constellations you took the time to learn about. In the presence of one another, you ate too much candy and fell asleep curled against his body.
Best friend turned lover, you knew the trope. Jisung’s crush on you had been obvious from day one. The rosy color along his cheeks when you moved too close. His sputtering when you made him speechless. The hands that always found their way to you. In your jacket, in your hands, curled around your arm.
No matter how close he got, it was the one boundary you’d put up. You swore there was nothing more in store for the two of you. Two best friends and that was it. Romantic love, the intimacy, the meshing of two souls becoming one, there’d be none of that.
He never pressed for anything more. Despite how much it caused his heart to ache, he understood. It stung, thorns in his lungs, but he accepted it without complaint. At least you were friends, at least he could call you his best friend. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted exactly, he still loved you.
A shaky huff and then you stopped. Eyes squeezing shut, head tipped forward, your calves continued to scream. Each breath you took made your lungs ache. You kept one hand steady on the rail and gently lowered yourself to a seated position.
You thought you pulled up to the wrong address at first. The lighthouse teetering high above your head, you laughed at it and shook your head. Nobody was around and you were certain it’d be locked. How the hell could your best friend possibly gain access to a lighthouse? You never knew it was here.
When you texted him a photo of it, he sent you back a thumbs up, followed by a single text message.
“I’m waiting at the top.”
You sucked in one deep breath and then another. The staircase never ended. The further you climbed up, the steps became steeper. Just a few more moments to catch your breath and then you’d try again.
~ ~ ~
“Han Jisung!” You yelled. “I should kill you for this!” You stumbled through a door with your legs on fire. You groaned and reached down, gently kneading the back of your bare calves.
Faint footsteps came from the side. It took a few seconds for him to appear with a grin. “Aw, come on, it wasn’t that bad.”
“You dance for eight hours a day.”
“That’s not how my group practices, but whatever toots your horn. Don’t be too mad. How could you resist oreo cheesecake?”
You froze at the words and slowly stood up. “Oreo cheesecake? You made me climb hundreds of stairs for oreo cheesecake?”
In his hands, he held a styrofoam container. He held two plastic forks high in the air and waved them with excitement. “Seven-hundred and thirty-two steps for half of a whole oreo cheesecake, yeah. I bought it at a nearby bakery. I figured I couldn’t eat the whole thing, so I decided to invite you.”
You shot him a glare, but he didn’t care. He shrugged and continued on. “Come on, I have a blanket on the cement over here. The wind isn’t bad today. Wait until you check out the view.”
“Asshole,” you grumbled.
He either didn’t hear you or he did, but he didn’t care. You followed him, trying to ignore the pain in your calves. Limping and cursing, he led you around the circular top of the exterior balcony. Thick ropes curled through cement posts, keeping you safe from falling over the edge.
It wasn’t until you lowered yourself beside him that you understood what you were looking at. Down below, frothy white waves crashed against rocks and nipped at the land holding the lighthouse. A cotton candy pink sky swirled with finger painted streaks of an approaching night blue. Night marched on, but the golden sun kept hold over the westward sky.
Breath in your throat, you couldn’t breathe. The words ceased to exist. Waves drifted back and rushed forward, trying to crush the sturdy landscape below. The waves could fight all night, but they’d never accomplish what they wanted to do. It’d take years of weathering and erosion before the ocean would take this land hostage.
Until then, limestone crept high in the sky. Its sharp point brushed against the low-hanging clouds. On foggy days, the once bright light pulsed through the haze and waved to approaching boats. With modern day navigation, the lighthouse’s light wasn’t needed anymore. It’d been out of operation for the past three decades, but it still stood as a land monument. As an ode to the past, visitors were granted historic tours and they could purchase small trinkets from a downstairs gift shop.
“How’d you manage to find this place?” You finally asked, breaking the silence.
“I told you, I wandered around and found it.”
“Sure.”
He shifted on the black blanket. He set the styrofoam tray between the two of you. Popping it open, the creamy top layer of cheesecake sat decorated with half oreos. They circled the exterior, neatly sitting next to one another. Inside the rim of oreos, more crushed oreos filled the top.
“They said the crust is also made from oreos.”
You raised an eyebrow. “What’s the occasion?”
“The occasion? Uh…” He trailed off, glancing down towards the foamy sea.
Up above, a handful of seagulls shrieked and dipped below the top of the building. They landed near the bottom, an attempt to find food in the fading sunlight. Thankfully, they left the two of you alone. You knew how disappointed Jisung would be if something happened to his precious cheesecake.
He settled on a shrug. “No occasion, unless you call my craving for cheesecake an occasion. We’ve worked hard at our jobs, so I thought this could be a nice break. The view is good.”
“Better than good, it’s perfect.”
He chuckled and handed you a fork. “It’d be better if you ate while watching it. Have you ever had oreo cheesecake? It’s great, I can’t recommend it enough.”
“Have you ever had it?”
“I got a sample from the bakery about an hour ago and it was good enough. I bought the full size, so yes, I’ve had it.”
He stabbed his fork into the creamy mixture. Scooping it up, he brought it to his mouth. Cookie crumbs fell onto his denim jacket, but he didn’t care. The moment it hit his mouth, he moaned. You snorted, shaking your head. Following along, your own fork dipped into the mixture.
The flavors exploded on your tongue. The sweetness of the oreo cookie and a mild tang from the cream cheese filling. Bite-after-bite, you ate together in silence. Seagulls swooped and dived, the ocean’s waves danced, and two hearts beat beside one another. Pressed against century old limestone, the ghost of a thousand untold stories, the sailors that once were, all swallowed by history, except for the memory of the ocean; it knew everything.
The ocean pushes and pulls, but it never forgets. It doesn’t forget the taste of salted skin, bodies upon bodies floating within its waves. The bare feet of adults, the shapes of limbs, and the laughter of children just learning to flow amongst its strong waves. It doesn’t forget the barnacle-laced bottom of worn sailboats and the sleek glimmer of boats dropped into her awaiting arms from the nearest boat ramp.
No matter how young, no matter how old, curled within the womb, the ashes between someone’s hand taken by the wind, the ocean remembers everything. The fish within her stomach, the birds searching for prey, and the last breath of a life. They taint and stain the waves. Water ebbs and flows, it sloshes and it’s transferred from place-to-place, but the memories never end.
Salt spray and the fading warmth of the sun, your arms curled around your body. Noticing it, Jisung dropped his fork in the container. “Are you cold? Take this.” One arm at a time, he wiggled his way from his denim jacket. “I still have the hoodie beneath it. Besides, I was getting a little too warm.”
“Probably from your body heating up from your blood sugar rising.”
“You think so?”
You chuckled and shrugged. “I have no clue. I don’t even know if that’s a thing. I pulled it out of thin air.”
The denim jacket smelled like bitter espresso. He pulled an arm of it up over your shoulder and you tugged it across your other arm. Knowing him, he probably spilled an americano on it. Your eyes fluttered shut and your chin dipped, falling against your chest.
Fingers still outstretched, Jisung froze. His Adam’s apple bobbed and he swallowed. “Are you okay? You don’t have to eat more if you don’t want to.”
“It’s been eating away at me, so I’ll just say it. I’m worried I’m leading you on.”
His brain glitched. Your words repeated in his head, but they made no sense to him. They bounced around, flicking through every section of his brain, but there wasn’t a ping of recognition. No lightbulb moment, just silent worry and a fear that’d never been there before.
His words came out quieter. He didn’t want to force them out, but if he didn’t ask, he’d never know. “What do you mean by that? You’ve always told me what you wanted.”
“What if that’s not enough, Jisung? What if some little part of you stays here because one day, you think I’ll change my mind?” You shifted your head, staring at him with an unfamiliar look of pity. “What if you spend your entire life dreaming of something that’ll never happen? What if I’m the one thing standing in the way between you and the person you’re supposed to be with in the future?”
He shook his head frantically. “No, no, it’s not like that.” Dark hair fluttering in the wind, he continued. “I’m not friends with you because of what could be, I’m friends with you because I love you. Did I do something that makes you feel like I…” He trailed off, struggling to get out the words. “Did I make you feel otherwise?”
“What? No. God, no.” You shifted backwards. A heavy sigh and shut eyes. Knees curled up beneath your chin, his heart squeezed with guilt. “I worry too much.”
“If I didn’t care about you as a friend, I wouldn’t be here. Look at this!” He gestured out to the sight before you. “I don’t invite people that don’t mean anything to me to spots like these. What’s up with you? You’re usually more self-assured.”
Your lips stayed shut. A distant gaze grew and you didn’t look his way. Head lost to the wind and the waves, no words tumbled out. He stayed quiet, waiting for you to put the puzzle pieces back together, the pieces of the friendship that once upon a time made so much sense.
Salted air caught your lungs and the words lost their vocalization. Something deep within you twisted and pulverized; a crab claw to the jugular and an oxygen valve pinched shut. The world always made so much sense until it didn’t. Life flows and you find your head above water, but then the tides change. You choke and seaweed drags you down. Curled against your ankles, tied into sturdy sailor’s knots, there’s nothing you can do to free yourself from them.
“I don’t think I can be loved the way you want to love me. I trust you with every fiber of my being, but I don’t trust myself. I can handle friendships, I can handle this, but the idea of anything more than this, it’s suffocating. Platonic relationships are so different from romance. A romance isn’t just a romance to you, it's forever and I can’t do forever.”
The words dropped, like a huge boulder. He wanted to speak up and stutter, to convince you it wasn’t true, but the only one he’d be trying to convince was himself. For some people, love is a fling and for some, it’s always forever. People fall head over heels. It becomes addicting and the cravings of the other grows every day. It’s an addiction that can’t be cut out so easily.
How do you carve out your own heart?
“I know you, Jisung. I’ve known you for years now and I cherish that all the time, but I’m afraid for you. I know me. I know how I act. I act like I’m clueless, but I know my flaws. I know I’m terrified to put everything out on the line and sacrifice myself. When things get serious, I run. I avoid the hard things because not being able to control every little thing is terrifying.”
The words poured out, coming from pieces of your soul that’d been aching for years. A hollowness settled in after life took out bites of what once was. There is so much in this life that is unknown. For some, it’s an adventure and for others, for you, it’s a never-ending hell. The confidence dissolves and self-doubt settles in. It creeps inside and uses the brain as a duck-feather pillow.
“You deserve someone who can be there for you on your worst days and on your best days. I panic and I freeze. I stutter and I’m afraid of my own feelings.” You weakly snorted and rested your chin on your knees. “At this point, I’m probably afraid of my own shadow.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself for me, I’d only ask you to be you.”
His fingers slid across his jeans. Oreo crumbs flung off, settling against the pavement. Before they’d become an issue for the owner, the wind would take them and carry them to the water below.
“I’d never beg you to turn into someone you’re not.”
“I wish I loved you like you deserved.”
“You think you don’t? What more do I deserve? Because this–” He gestured to you and the cheesecake. “This is what life is about. It’s not about the fame and the spotlight, it’s about this view. This is what heaven is. This view, this height, the wind in our hair, the salt in the sea, and even those damn birds that shit everywhere.”
The seriousness of the moment was broken by your laughter. You tried to stay quiet, but your body shook against your will. The quip of your lips tipped upright and it slipped out without warning. “You’re such a goof.”
“But I mean it! The railing over there is covered in bird shit!” He waved his hand behind him with wide eyes. “That's why I came here!” He patted the blanket beneath the two of you. “The least bird shit area around. They need diapers or something.”
You smiled and leaned back upright. Shaking your head, you pressed back against the limestone. Eyes shut, Jisung swore you were an angel. This really was heaven, even if you didn’t believe it. It was his version of heaven, cheesecake and all.
“I wish I wasn’t so afraid of romance,” you finally whispered. “If I wasn’t afraid, I’d kiss you.”
“You’d what?”
“I’d kiss you.”
He leaned closer and cupped his ear. “Huh? What was that? I can’t hear you over the wind.”
“Han Jisung, I’d kiss you! I’d grab you by the collar of that stupid hoodie and I’d plant my lips against yours!”
The goofiest grin filled his face. Ear-to-ear, he lit up in a way you’d never seen him before. “If that’s the case, I wouldn’t oppose it. My lips are open and ready.” He shifted upright and straightened his posture. “How do I look? Please tell me you’re sitting on my good side.”
“You don’t have a good side, you always look good.”
“Do I? Do I?” He leaned your way and nudged you with his elbow. “Tell me more. What else do you like about me? Is it my hair? My handsome face? Baby, tell me.”
Your cheeks flushed red and you swatted his shoulder. “Shut up. I just poured my heart out to you and now you’re teasing me.”
“I’m not teasing you, I’m helping you see the light. I’m not an asshole, you know. I wouldn’t push you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. Who do you think I am?” He tipped his head. “We’ve been friends for… how long?”
“Over a decade,” you grumbled. “Since high school, give or take a few years.”
“Ah, high school, yeah, the epic highs and lows of high school football.”
“Are you quoting a TV show right now?”
He shrugged and reached for his fork again. “Maybe, maybe not.” You watched him lift up another scoop of cheesecake to his mouth. “What do you have to lose? We could always try it and if you hate it, we could go back to being friends.”
“And ruin our friendship?”
“I think it’d take the friendship to new heights. Not everyone knows what their friends' lips taste like.”
“You are such a–”
“Dashing handsome guy that could be your boyfriend?”
“How are you this brave right now? You’re usually a stuttering mess when we talk about this topic.”
“Babe, I’m drunk on the view and potentially tipsy on the three shots I consumed before I got here.”
“Jisung!”
“What?” He threw his hands up above his head. “I was nervous! You can’t blame a guy for trying to calm his nerves. It’s okay, I’ve had cheesecake to accompany the shots.”
“We’re over a hundred meters up in the air!”
“I’m tipsy, not drunk.”
“Tipsy on stupidity.”
“Oh, shush.”
“What am I going to do with you?”
He leaned closer. “You could start by kissing me. You don’t have to, but it would make me feel better.”
“Jisung…”
He groaned and leaned back. “Oh, alright. I’m sorry for pressuring you. Honestly, I brought you up here because I was hoping you’d finally give me a chance and say yes to dating me. I think the only thing I gave myself is a stomach ache from eating so much cheesecake.”
“You haven’t consumed that much.” You glanced down, but his side of cheesecake told a different story. Nearly half of his section was missing. “When did you eat that much? I swear you’ve barely touched it.”
“I’m a growing man who takes big bites when he’s nervous.”
And you never planned to act on your silent feelings, but suddenly you understood what he was talking about. The view looked a little too good. Jisung with his hair swept back and blowing in the wind. His hands half-hidden by the worn edges of the hoodie sleeves that he’d always fiddle with when he was nervous. Sunlight caught his eyes just right and suddenly, he’d never looked better. Tipsy from alcohol and flushed cheeks, lips sweetened from oreo cheesecake.
Up high enough to touch the clouds, you sat side-by-side. Running on newfound adrenaline, maybe it was love. You inched closer and gently grabbed his chin. “If I kiss you, you can’t hold it against me.”
“Uh-huh.”
Your lips were on his. Lips pressed together and warm bodies collided and curled against the faint breeze. The edge of the blanket flapped in the wind, hanging over the edge of the structure. Cookie crumbs flew and you’d always been afraid, but in this moment, the fear melted away and something else awakened within you.
Maybe the sugar coating Jisung’s lips infused and spiked your own blood sugar or maybe, just maybe, this is what it feels like to break out of the box of fear and try something new. Laying it all on the line, you held nothing back.
Fingers curled against the front strings of his hoodie, you kissed him until you couldn’t breathe. Lips moving in sync, you’d never felt this way before and at the same time, you never wanted it to stop.
Every cell in your body vibrated and hummed. Something tickled your lower stomach. Could this be the butterflies that everyone always talks about? When you pulled away, you couldn’t breathe. Heart stuck in your throat, nothing made sense. You floated on cloud-nine, stuck in a daze.
When you pulled back, Jisung blinked once and then again. When he planned this, he imagined you’d turn him down again. He’d always dreamed about this, but this wasn’t a dream. It was real and you were here. Your body against his, he swore he sprouted wings and he was flying. Circling you and dipping in a fairy-like dance, he was happier than you’d ever know.
“So…” He finally started. “That was… um…”
“If we date, can we do that again?”
“As many times as you want to.”
“Let’s go on a date.”
“Is this not a date?”
“This is a…” You trailed off, reaching up to touch your lips. They were still warmer than usual, heated up by his own lips. “I don’t think I can think right now.”
“Let’s call this date one. We don’t have to call ourselves significant others. We can just let that settle in and eat more cheesecake. Friendship date, romance date, whatever it is, I’m just happy you showed up.”
“Me too.”
With shaky fingers, you grabbed your fork and tried to scoop up another dollop of cheesecake. Somewhere between heaven and earth, feeling like an alien in your own body, Jisung reached over and gently pulled the fork away.
“Here, let me get that for you. Take a deep breath if you need to, your fingers are shaking. ”
“I can’t believe I just kissed you after swearing I’d never do that in this life.”
“You can try to resist my temptation in the next life, but I’ll be dashing in that life, too.”
When he lifted the scoop of cheesecake, you opened your mouth and took it. As you swallowed, you didn’t know which you craved more, another bite of cheesecake or the taste of Jisung’s lips. Either way, both were there and waiting for you.
“Feel better now?” Jisung asked.
“I feel like I’m flying.”
“Me too.”
As you shared a smile, you didn’t know what came next for either of you, but you knew it’d be as sweet as this oreo cheesecake sitting between you.
ARE YOU IN LOVE LIE? WHEN IS THE WEDDING? CAN WE BE INVITED? ARE THERE GONNA BE BABIES? CAN WE BE AUNTIES AND UNCLES TO YOUR BABY???? ARE YOU FINALLY DATING A STRAY KIDS MEMBER? IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR A LONG TIME!!!!!
WOAH?! Deep breath. I've been writing requests and not putting up anything about them being requests because each time I was doing that, it felt repetitive and annoying. There is only so much you can say about requests before you run out of things to say. I'm not in love, I'm just writing requests 😭
There is no wedding, so no, you cannot be invited. Actually, there will probably never be a wedding because marriage is not for me. I have such strong feelings about marriage and I hate it. Kudos to the people who get married and like it, but I'd rather saw off my own left leg than walk down the aisle in front of people, take a legal vow, and kiss someone. I don't see myself changing my opinion on that.
There are no babies. My womb is empty and I plan to keep it that way. It's out of order until further notice. I'm afraid you might be waiting for that last bit until the end of your life.
I'm single and independent as hell, so let's stay playful and let's keep it that way for now 😀👍
lie lie lie it's 🥐 anon it's been wayyy too long since i've reached out to you 😞
anyways just wanted to check in on how you've been!! haven't been active for a while online (school is a pain in the ass) but just wanted to check in on some of the blogs i follow and support. recently a lot of my favourite enhypen writers have decided to stop writing due to the accumulation of stress and other things happening in the engene community, and while i support them for knowing what's best for them, it's still nice to come back to blogs like yours and see you still active and posting.
also, it's soo cold in australia😞😞. genuinely. it's late autumn here and my bones feel cold. enjoy your coming summer in america while it's there.
have a good day (or night idk i never figured out the american time zones. they're too confusing)
-🥐 anon
Welcome back!! I'm still alive and hanging out. That's okay, school is important, even if it feels dumb. Knowledge really is a powerful thing. Ah, I don't keep up to date with Enhypen, but I did hear about the whole Heeseung suddenly leaving situation that sent the entire fandom into a spiral. Outside of that, I have no idea what's going on within the Enhypen fandom, but that's such a bummer to hear 😮💨
Honestly, I've never understood the whole thing with K-Pop fandoms getting into fights and having beef with one another. I might not engage with Enhypen, but I love NewJeans, so I know about the devastation of a member leaving. I was there when Zayn left One Direction 🫠
It wasn't hard to feel sympathy for the fans of Enhypen. Some K-Pop groups feel fragile. You never know what might happen with them, so I think it's important to embrace and enjoy what we have now while we still can.
Is it? I forget America and Australia are on two different sides of the hemisphere. I'm experiencing spring, supposedly. There's been a few nights it has dipped down to the point of freezing. The temperature keeps rising and falling drastically, so I try to enjoy the warmer days while they're here. Take advantage of warm beverages and hearty foods, they warm and soothe the soul.
Hey, I can't blame you. Where I'm at, I can travel a few hours to Chicago and my eastern standard time zone switches by an hour. In California, the time zone difference is three hours. In Hawaii, it's a six hour difference. It's enough to make my own head hurt. I don't know how the time zones work in Australia, but I know Sydney, Australia is fourteen hours ahead of me.
Thanks for checking in, try to stay warm, and good luck with school!! <3
Mamas am I trippin or do I smell a wrestling fan in the last post????
Uh... maybe? 😀 I can't believe you deciphered that. I used to be deep in the trenches of the WWE fandom, but it's been years since then. I grew up watching wrestling and I spent years wanting to be a wrestler on the show. That was one of my childhood dreams for a long time. I was obsessed and had quite a few of the WWE toys they made for kids, including the fake wrestling belts. I was certain I was the coolest nine-year-old in existence.
Before I grew up and spent hours writing fanfic, I spent hours putting my wrestling figurines through trauma in wrestling matches. That fic is two requests merged into one fic. I spent a while debating what to write about. Leebit and PuppyM are the two Skzoos that I could see fighting one another. While writing it, I pulled up a few wrestling videos to gather inspiration. It was so much fun and while writing it, I found myself stopping at some points because I couldn't stop laughing.
I can see Leebit getting on a chair and shaking his tail to taunt the guys so clearly, it's such a Leebit thing to do and my love for Leebit is immortal <3
IM GLAD SOMEONE SAID THAT YOU REMIND THEM OF INTO THE CURRENT BC I HAVE A THEORY THAT YOUR THE MUSE BEHIND THE SONG. TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUMB KNOW ABOUT YOU. DID YOU HEAR JISING FIRST CALLED THE SONG GOLDFISH? 🗣 LITTLE MISS I LOOK LIKE A GOLDFISH. 🗣 LITTLE MISS I LOVE WATER. 🗣 LITTLE MISS IVE BEEN TO CHICAGO FOR CONCERTS AND I LOVE THE CITY. 🗣 DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THE LITTLE GUY FIGHTING WIND WHEN HE WAS IN THE CITY? THE WINDY CITY AKA CHICAGO AKA WHERE LIE GOES FOR CONCERTS AKA SEUNGMIN WANTED THE MUSIC VIDEO TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY AKA THERE ARE GOLDFISH IN THE MUSIC VIDEO AKA YOU AND I WANNA GO ON CUZ I HAVE MORE THEORIES. 🗣
N E ways.....erm....who said that?🧍🏻♀️*nervously gulps*
I love you lie!!!!! I would write you a song if I was gifted and talented. I can't sing so it'd sound like a rattle snake having a seizure. Fighting!!!!! 💋💋
I didn't realize people could change the color of the font on anon mode, omg. Honestly, that feels like a stretch. Why are you calling them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb? 😭 Take it back, I love them. Did he? Goldfish are a common fish and with the song mentioning a fish bowl, it makes sense for him to call it that at first.
You're very silly. In my eyes, the wind is a metaphor for how life gets tough and has setbacks that try to keep you back, but you continue fighting forward to get to the destination. The concept of a Skz member lurking on my page, reading every post, and finding details about my irl life is a major stretch. While it is sweet of you to remember things I talk about, I highly doubt there's anything bigger behind that. If I were you, I wouldn't look into that theory too much.
You don't have to write and sing me a song, I'm just glad you're here haha
Summary: Minho has no idea what's going on when two Skzoo mascots start brawling each other in the middle of a concert.
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 6.4K
Between the screams and shouts of the crowd, Minho grabbed his side and winced. Spinning around, his fingers dug into the flesh along the side of his rib cage. He grimaced and curled his other hand tighter around the microphone. It wasn’t often that a muscle spasm occurred, but when they did, they knew how to hurt. A simple twitch of an overactive muscle, caused soreness to radiate throughout his side.
Felix’s pearly white smile fell when he noticed. His hands, the ones he’d been using to frantically wave at the crowd, they fell to his sides. He kept his own microphone low and headed over, leaning close enough to whisper. “Are you okay, hyung?”
“Mmhm. Muscle cramp. I’ll be good in a moment.”
Felix stared at him, searching for a lie within his eyes, but there wasn’t one. He nodded, patted his shoulder, and headed further up the stage. Minho’s fingers gently curled into his tender side, he massaged the area. His stage outfit didn’t help much. The tighter t-shirt hugging his forearms irritated his skin. Sweat clung to the cotton fabric, causing it to dampen and rub in all the wrong places. For whatever reason, it itched.
It was one of those days where he wished he was home with you. You with those bright eyes and shy smile. The way your pink tongue poked out when he annoyed you and it was your only defense. The things he’d give to be able to lay down beside you and feel your fingers running through his damp hair after a shower. Your thumbs would shift and trail down his scalp, curling into his neck, firm enough to push away the stress and tension in his shoulders. From his neck to the base of his spine, steady fingers trailing along his body, massaging away every ache and minor pain.
“DWAEKKI!”
Changbin’s screech cut through his thoughts. Minho shifted, turning his head across the way. Sure enough, the pink pig-bunny came waddling from backstage. Changbin rushed forward with open arms, prepared to crush the poor staff member in a bare hug. Minho snickered at the sight. Behind him, the other mascots poured from backstage.
“Give it up for our Skzoos!”
The crowd roared at Chan’s words. The staff members must have decided to push the mascots before the last few songs. Beneath arena lights, everyone was soaked in sweat; the guys, the backup dancers, and the fans, but it didn’t matter. The energy wavered, but it didn’t fizzle out completely. Instead, it vibrated and expanded within the building. Minho felt it reemerged in the air around him. Screams catapulted around the arena, setting off a chain reaction.
Each of the guys felt their energy swell and replenish. For the next few minutes, the Skzoo mascots would take the stage, distract the fans, and the guys could finally catch their breaths. Bbokari half-shuffled and half-hopped around a giggling Felix. Seungmin’s fingers were already deep into PuppyM’s eyes. Chan’s ear-to-ear grin mimicked the one plastered on Wolf Chan’s face.
Minho spun around, searching for Leebit, but to his surprise, Leebit was nowhere to be found. He blinked a few times, glancing around the area. Sure enough, every other mascot took the stage, but not Leebit. He scanned left and right once more, making sure he didn’t overlook him.
He hadn’t.
A swirl of colors, but none belonging to the oversized white bunny. Jiniret stood beside Hyunjin, bumping his hip against Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin was talking to Jeongin and unprepared for the sudden thrust of energy. He stumbled forward, nearly tripping and hitting the stage. The moment he toppled forward, the non-existent fingers from Jiniret pathetically pawed at the back of his shirt, attempting to grab and steady him.
Meanwhile, Jisung cupped his hands around the rounded shape of Han Quokka’s cheeks. Caught in a fit of cuteness aggression, he gently patted the mascot’s puffed cheeks. “Look at you,” he cooed into the microphone. “You’re so cute. I just wanna eat you up.”
Han Quokka’s hands went to his mouth to feign shock. He lifted a hand up to his face and fanned himself. Jisung laughed, patting the dancer on the chest. Every Skzoo mascot held a background dancer beneath the costume. Every so often, they switched characters and mascots, but it was always the background dancers. That was the reason the mascots knew the dances and often joined in while the members performed.
Is something wrong with the costume? Is that why Leebit isn’t out here with everyone? That has to be it.
His eyebrows furrowed. He looked left and right again, glancing at the darkened backstage. No staff members stood, waiting to wave someone over and explain the situation. All seven were accounted for, but not Leebit. It shouldn’t have mattered, but his heart sank. Everyone else greeted their mascot, but he couldn’t greet his own.
Sure, it was really a background dancer beneath the costume, but it was fun to pretend his mascot came to life. Background dancers each did their own things to breathe life into the characters. Whether it was Dwaekii flexing and comparing his muscles to Changbin or PuppyM wandering around, getting away from everyone, they did their best to mimic certain traits of the members.
“Where’s Leebit?”
When Minho spun to face the voice, Jeongin stood with his own frown. Forced into a hug by Fox.iny, he wasn’t thrilled. Plush arms curled around his body, trapping him against the soft fabric. The best Minho could do was offer a shrug. He took a few steps in Chan’s direction. Certainly, if anyone knew if something happened, it was the leader of the group.
Newfound high-pitched screams from the audience froze his steps. Off in the distance, a cluster of fans shrieked. Every member froze instantly. A fear curled through Minho. A medical emergency must have occurred. Security needed to haul ass through the crowd to provide assistance.
And then the brightest spotlight kicked on. It highlighted the distant crowd and swept over fans engulfed in the darkness of the back crowd. The red light washed over everyone throughout the concert. Most of the visual highlights stayed the same shade of deep red, it coated the crowd.
When the light stopped, the high-powered glow highlighted the face he’d been looking for. With the evil grin plastered to Leebit’s face, he lifted up a hand and waved to the stage. Minho stepped forward and walked to the front of the stage. Fans in the barricade screamed, waving at him, swinging lightsticks and fan signs.
“Leebit?” Minho called into his microphone from the stage. “What are you doing out there? You’re supposed to be up here.” He squinted and shielded his forehead with his hand to make sure he was seeing things right.
Behind him, the members cast glances at one another. A mix of smirks and snickers merged between them. Minho didn’t know what was happening, but they sure did. After all, you’d been planning this moment with the staff members for a while now. The staff decided to let the other members know what would happen, so they could play around and lead Minho astray from reality.
The spotlight clicked off and his visual disappeared. He jerked his head back to Chan. Chan offered a shrug. “Lee Know, it looks like Leebit seems to be playing a prank on you.”
“Leebit!” Minho pointed to the stage in front of him. “You have three minutes to get yourself on this stage or you’ll be grounded!”
Nothing.
Fans at the barricade glanced over their shoulders. Some turned all the way around, trying to see through the rows of people. In the back, fans stayed seated as security circled around Leebit. He moved through the darkness with ease, reaching out and offering high-fives to people in the meantime. Minho’s threat held no real bite.
“Uh-oh. Sounds like someone isn’t listening,” Jisung started.
“Like father, like son,” Seungmin agreed.
Minho threw him a glare. He stormed forward, trying to fight him. Before he could, PuppyM appeared and blocked his field of vision. Seungmin laughed and walked away. He moved towards Han Quokka and planned to mess with the costume’s fur.
Something flashed in the corner of Minho’s eyes. Above him, the oversized screen switched from capturing their bickering to the audience. The long black t-shirt covering Leebit’s torso flew up. Propped up on a chair and turned backwards, Leebit’s bare rabbit ass appeared. Cotton tail wiggling in the wind, he wiggled and taunted the stage with a stiff twerk.
Minho’s fight with PuppyM was long forgotten about. He whirled around to face the crowd. Sure enough, the heavens opened up and the spotlight appeared on Leebit’s ass. Minho’s jaw opened in shock. Laughter sparked around him.
“Quick, cover Innie and Fox.iny’s eyes!” Hyunjin rushed forward, sticking his hands over Jeongin’s eyes.
Jiniret wobbled after him and covered up Fox.iny’s eyes. Fox.iny squirmed and whacked his hands, trying to shove him away. Jeongin squirmed in Hyunjin’s arms and brought the microphone to his mouth. “Let go of me!”
“Leebit, there’s a child on stage! What are you doing?” Chan shielded his own eyes and attempted to shield a nearby Jisung.
Minho sucked in a deep breath and shook his head. As far as he knew, nobody discussed this beforehand. Not a single staff member announced there’d be a Leebit bit. There was no plan, no script, and nothing to understand.
“Leebit, you’re working on an early bedtime in the air fryer,” he threatened into the microphone. “Get up here. Don’t make me count to three.”
The spotlight clicked off again. Fans roared with laughter as he threw his hands up in the air. He grumbled and shook his head. In the darkness, security guards grabbed Leebit’s wrists and gently helped the person in the costume off the chair. Back on the floor, Leebit rushed down the aisle and hurried towards the stage, catching hands in high-fives on both sides of him along the way.
Minho gestured to Chan and mouthed something. Chan didn’t know what he said. He offered a shrug and said something back. Without the microphone, neither of them could hear each other over the screams of audience members.
And then the lights went out. Each screen up above darkened. The spotlights disappeared. The only thing providing light were the lightsticks below. Minho tried to speak into his microphone, but nothing happened. Fans yelled in confusion, but nobody had any answers.
All at once, the lights flipped back on. PuppyM took center stage with his fists in the air. A newfound black robe sat over PuppyM. Red boxing gloves replaced the paws. He swung at the air, prepared to fight.
“Stay, everywhere, all around the world, are you ready to experience a fight like you’ve never seen it before?” The woman’s voice came from nowhere. Minho recognized it as a staff member, but it came from backstage.
Fans screamed in delight. Lightsticks waved, posters bobbed from side-to-side. Nobody knew what was happening, but they were thrilled to find out. Friends tugged on the shoulders of their friends. Phones had been pulled up and were already recording PuppyM waltzing around the front of the stage.
“Give it up for the intellectual, the in your face disgrace, PuppyM!”
The cheers grew louder when Seungmin stepped up beside PuppyM. He grabbed one of the mascot’s wrists and held it high in the air. Fans screamed and cheered. Behind Minho, more people cheered.
To his surprise, Felix, Hyunjin, Jeongin, and their Skzoo mascots each held popsicle sticks with photos of PuppyM’s face glued onto them. Felix waved around an oversized sign reading ‘PuppyM is #1.’
“And for his opponent, the menace, the monster, Leebit!”
Two rounded ears poked over stage steps. One small step at a time, the familiar grin appeared. Minho reached up and rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. Another pair of boxing gloves sat on Leebit’s hands. He swung the blue gloves in a circular motion, threatening PuppyM. A single sweatband stretched around the center of his forehead, keeping out non-existent sweat.
PuppyM launched forward, only stopping because of Seungmin’s outstretched arm.
A security guard kept his hand on Leebit’s back, making sure the backup dancer didn’t fall down the stairs. Fans pointed and laughed. Someone screamed loud enough from the barricade, all the guys heard it.
“Fuck him up, Leebit! Fuck him up!”
Bang Chan reached Leebit first. He gently grabbed his wrists and helped him up the last step. Changbin gave Minho a small push from behind. “What are you waiting for, hyung? Go give him some support. He’ll need it to battle PuppyM.”
“Go, Leebit, go!” Jisung waved a popsicle stick with Leebit’s face on it. He stood beside 3racha’s Skzoo’s and held Han Quokka’s hand. A similar popsicle stick waved in Han Quokka’s free hand.
Taking the stage across from Seungmin and PuppyM, Leebit swung around and shook his fluffy tail. The cotton tail swung side-to-side and bounced in a threat. PuppyM swung a fist in his direction.
“Today, it’s a free for all battle between PuppyM and Leebit. The winner of today’s match receives the Skzoo championship belt! Let’s get ready to rumble!”
Cameras flash. Stage lights flickered red and blue. When Minho didn’t move to Leebit, Leebit moved to him. Chan and Changbin moved back and joined Jisung with their Skzoos. Leebit bumped against Minho’s side, trying to snap him from his daze.
Minho shook his head and laughed. He raised the microphone to his mouth. “Leebit, make me proud.”
Leebit’s head bobbed in a nod. Fists raised again, he bobbed from side-to-side, rolling light punches and threatening a PuppyM. Seungmin raised his own mic to his mouth. “PuppyM, show him what it tastes like to eat dirt.”
“I’ll show you what it’s like to eat dirt!” Minho retorted.
As the pair bickered over which Skzoo was the better boxer, the other members laughed in the background. Minho stepped closer and nobody stopped him, besides PuppyM. PuppyM moved closer and lightly shoved him back. Leebit rushed forward and swung, catching PuppyM in the side.
The other Skzoos reacted in different ways. Dwaekki clapped his hands, whereas Bbokari covered his eyes and shook his head. Han Quokka moved closer to Jisung and Wolf Chan stepped backwards, wondering if this would turn into a free for all brawl.
Chan and Jeongin hurried forward. Jeongin grabbed Seungmin around his waist. Still bickering into his microphone, Seungmin let the younger member drag him away, but not before taunting Minho. Minho squirmed against Chan’s biceps, but Chan was stronger.
PuppyM shoved Leebit back. He stumbled, but managed to regain his balance. A single hand curled upwards and tried to slam him in the chest. The only thing stopping them from hurting one another was the appearance of Felix.
“Woah, woah, woah.” He stepped between them and raised his hands to stop them from fighting one another. “Before the fight starts, let's calm down and take a breather. Everyone suck in a deep breath with me.” Into his microphone, he made an inhale and gestured to the crowd, hoping they’d follow along.
PuppyM’s arms attempted to cross over his chest. The boxing gloves and tight fabric made it difficult to do anything. Across the way, Leebit’s shoulders relaxed. He slowly inhaled and let it out with Felix.
After a few slow deep breaths, Hyunjin stepped up beside him. “So what are the rules?”
“The rules are simple, mate. Whoever hits the floor and gets knocked out first, they lose. The winner of the match gets the custom-made Skzoo belt.”
“What belt?”
Right on que, Chan dipped his head back and glanced backstage. A wrestling belt dangled from a staff member’s hand. Leather black pieces sat on each side, followed by a custom made center piece. The large silver plate sat with etched outlines of each Skzoo character. Sparkling red rhinestones outlined the circular plate. Beside each side, two smaller circles sat with the Stray Kids compass logo. More red rhinestones outlined each one.
Another shriek came from the crowd. “I love you PuppyM!”
Minho’s eye twitched as he glared at the crowd. “How dare you. Who said that? You’re going to get cooked. Leebit is going to make you eat those words.”
“See?” Seungmin taunted him from across the way. “They’re only stating the truth. PuppyM is loved way more by fans.”
Leebit’s boxing gloved-hand turned upside down in an attempt at creating a thumbs down. Felix’s eyes squeezed shut when he saw it. He pulled the microphone away and pointed. Laughter shaking his stomach, he couldn’t announce what he wanted to say next.
Chan appeared from behind the stage and raised the belt high above his head. Silver buckles punctured each side of the leather. Fans cheered with excitement. Each of the guys felt their own excitement bubble up within them.
“Oooooh.”
“Can I try it on later?”
“ARE THOSE RED DIAMONDS?”
“Jisung, hyung, do you mean rubies?”
“Whatever.”
As the members talked to themselves, Felix and Hyunjin parted, so the fans could see the belt in Chan’s hands. Behind everyone, the cameras zoomed into the belt on the screens, so all the fans could see. Murmurs of shock and appreciation rumbled throughout the stadium.
“PuppyM,” Felix started, “are you ready for this match?”
His fists hit the air in a rapid succession.
“Leebit, are you ready?”
Leebit’s hands went up, gesturing for PuppyM to bring it.
“I think we’re ready to start our match now.”
All three of the guys stepped back. Seungmin and Minho stepped closer, but steered clear of the mascots. The announcer’s voice came from the back again. “Who’s ready to rumble?”
Screams and cheers grew louder. The guys waved their photos and posters around. Minho and Seungmin were the only two who didn’t have photos with their Skzoo’s faces on them. Minho lifted up his microphone to say something, but three sharp bell rings filled the air.
PuppyM ducked his head and charged forward. Leebit swung a fist, catching him in the chest. Not backing down, PuppyM spun around with his fists raised, but Leebit was already there. A blue fist swung and caught the side of PuppyM’s head.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUPPYM GET IN THERE!” Seungmin panicked.
“KICK HIS FURRY BUTT, LEEBIT!”
Jisung let out a burst of giggles, slapping his hand over his mouth as he watched the two mascots go at it. Minho and Seungmin shouted encouragement non-stop. Hyunjin winced when PuppyM landed an elbow in Leebit’s ribcage. Leebit’s head dropped forward and slammed against PuppyM’s head, causing him to stumble back and reach up to steady himself.
Battle Ground played in the back of the fight. Fans chanted encouragement for their favorite Skzoos. Lightsticks blinked rapidly with red and blue lights. A tanned arm swung left and a paler one swung right. Boxing gloves flew back and forth.
“PuppyM move!” Jeongin yelled.
Leebit’s fist caught the side of the mascot’s head again. He swung rapidly, engaging in a series of rolling punches. PuppyM wobbled and stumbled back once more. When he did and Leebit’s fists caught air, he pounded his boxing gloves to his chest like an ape. The crowd ate it up. Screaming grew louder.
Hyunjin’s eyes darted back and forth between the two opponents. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. PuppyM, are you tapping out?”
PuppyM walked backwards and gestured to Seungmin, waving him closer. Seungmin hurried nearby. “What do you need? Are you tagging me in?”
“That’s not fair!” Minho countered. “Nobody said this was a tag team match. Just say PuppyM sucks and call it a match.”
“Shut up, loser.”
“You wanna fight next? I’ll knock you north of next month!”
A heavy thud came from behind the pair. Glancing back, Chan’s microphone was on the floor. Being held up by Changbin’s arm, he struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard. Hand on his stomach, his entire body shook.
PuppyM’s boxing glove tapped Seungmin’s arm. His eyebrows furrowed. PuppyM shifted his wrist, curling it into Seungmin’s hand. Whatever he was doing, it didn’t make sense to Seungmin. He stood there without moving.
Off to the side, Leebit’s cheers grew louder. He’d faced away from PuppyM and faced the crowd. Arms jerking upright, he raised his hands to hype up the crowd. When the screaming wasn’t loud enough, he tipped forward and held a hand to the ears on top of his head.
Someone in the barricade started stomping and others followed along. Leebit nodded frantically and created bigger circular motions. The crowd finally seemed to understand. The thunderous noise started shaking the stage. Behind the mascots, the members stared at one another with shit-eating grins. Minho stared out at the crowd in awe.
“Fling him!” Felix yelled. “Seungmin, he wants you to propel him and fling him at Leebit!”
PuppyM nodded so hard, the mascot’s head wobbled.
“Well, why didn’t you just say that?” Seungmin asked. He leaned over and handed Felix his microphone. Without it, he walked to the other side of the stage and curled his hands around PuppyM’s wrist. “Ready?”
“Leebit, prepare yourself.”
“Oh, god.”
“FINISH HIM, PUPPYM!”
PuppyM stepped back a few paces. With his wrist enclosed in Seungmin’s hand, he slowly started walking around Seungmin in a circle. Seungmin’s body twisted and confusion washed over him before it turned into mutual understanding. By PuppyM spinning in circles, he’d slowly pick up speed before Seungmin let him go, and launched him towards Leebit.
Faster and faster. A slow walk turned into a moderate pace. A moderate pace became a light jog. Brisker, faster, legs pumping against the heaviness of the plush suit. As PuppyM finished his last circle with a bobbing sprint, Seungmin let go of his hand.
Dizzy and stumbling, PuppyM rushed forward with his fists held high. Leebit stood without moving. Panic filled Minho’s chest. “Leebit, prepare yourself to fight!”
Can he not see? Does he know PuppyM is charging at him? Is he aware he’s in danger?
Leebit waited and waited. The distance between the pair grew smaller and smaller. Twenty feet between them, fifteen, and then five. The faster PuppyM rushed, the bigger he looked, but his feet stumbled slightly. The oversized paws felt funny on the dancer’s feet.
Closer and closer and closer and then Leebit swept to the side and held out his foot.
Screams.
Gasps.
Minho’s laughter.
Thunk!
Unprepared and unable to see it, PuppyM’s body toppled forward. Face-first on the stage, he sprawled out on his stomach. Limbs limp and starfish positioned, he made no move to get up.
“PuppyM get up!” Seungmin yelled. He rushed forward, but he was stopped by Felix.
“Mate, no. If you help him up, he gets disqualified from the round.”
Leebit dropped to the ground. Nudging the side of PuppyM’s body, he shoved him onto his back. Scurrying and hurrying, he moved a leg over PuppyM’s body to pin him down.
Behind them, Changbin glanced back at the back of the stage. The announcer didn’t speak. He scratched the back of his head. “Were we having a boxing match or a wrestling match?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jisung shrugged. “PuppyM is down for the count.”
PuppyM’s head shifted, but Leebit didn’t get off of him. Boxing gloves pressed against his shoulders, he waited, but nothing happened. His head jerked to the side and he waved a wild hand at the guys.
“What is he–”
“Oh! Quick! Someone be the ref! Count the pin!”
“I know how to do this!” Changbin rushed forward and slid beside the pair. “One!” His hand slapped the ground. “Two!”
PuppyM shifted again, but he made no move to get up.
“Three!”
Three sharp dings of a bell followed and the swell of music came to a quiet halt. “Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, we have our winner. Give it up for the menace, the monster, Leebit!”
Minho rushed forward and grabbed Leebit’s arm. He helped him to his feet. Changbin walked over and grabbed one of Leebit’s wrists, raising it high in the air. Whoops and claps came from the crowd. Leebit jumped up and down with small bunny hops, soaking up the praise.
“PuppyM, you’re an international embarrassment to me. If this would have been Jiniret, he would have whooped his butt.” Seungmin hurried across to the stage to help a groggy PuppyM. “Unbelievable, I can’t believe this.
“Believe it and weep!” Jisung taunted from behind.
Chan approached with the belt. With Minho and Changbin’s assistance, the three of them buckled it around Leebit’s waist. It glistened beneath the stage lights. Blue lights flashed rapidly, reflecting off the red rhinestones.
“Stay, let’s give it up for Leebit and PuppyM!”
Minho’s eyes never shined so bright before. Swollen with pride and struggling to contain it, he waved one of Leebit’s wrists around. Leebit used a free hand to blow kisses to the crowd.
A few feet away, Seungmin couldn’t help PuppyM to his feet. He attempted to tug him upright, but PuppyM struggled to rise. Jeongin rushed over to help, trying to hold back his laughter.
“Any last words before the Skzoos rest?” Chan asked Minho.
“I couldn’t be any prouder of Leebit and more thankful for those that believed in him.” He spun towards the stage and dipped his head in a bow. “Thank you for believing in him. Those of you who didn’t, expect to be cooked in the air fryer.”
Hyunjin’s head tipped back and he groaned. “That’s such an old joke. Get new material.”
“I’ve always wanted to taste deep fried ferret. I think peanut oil would have the best flavor.”
Hyunjin froze and his eyes widened. A smirk tugged up on the left side of Minho’s mouth. He took one step forward and Hyunjin’s fear erupted. He shrieked and rushed away. Minho hurried after him.
“Get back here and face your fears like a real man, you coward!”
The two of them disappeared backstage, followed by the line of waving Skzoos. Leebit bowed to the fans, PuppyM waved, and they both followed along. PuppyM limped, but Leebit walked with his head held high. Belt secured around his waist, he’d never felt this happy before.
~ ~ ~
After the lights go down and the screams fade away, there’s always the warm feeling of success. The faint murmurs of the guys filled the room. They wiped away streaky traces of makeup, peeled out of the sweat-soaked clothes, and switched back into clothes that feel like home.
Housed in a clean pair of gray sweatpants, a loose black long sleeve shirt draped over Minho’s body. He ran fingers through his damp hair, trying to adjust the misplaced strands. After the Skzoo mascots left, the guys ran through their last few songs and called it a night. The hype from the fight didn’t die down until they were back behind the stage.
Felix fanned himself with a paper fan. Strands of blonde hair fluttered with each movement. Chan used cotton pads to wipe away eyeliner. Jeongin’s arms curled around himself as he slumped in a chair with his leg muscles on fire. Everything ached in a good way, but an ache is still an ache at the end of the day.
“Did you guys like that fight?” It was Changbin that spoke up. He sipped a bottle of red gatorade he’d found in the dressing room. Still in his stage outfit, he’d yet to gather the energy to change.
When they came back, staff members prepped bottles of gatorade and water. Electrolyte packets to replenish all the nutrients loss and a few prepackaged protein bars. If the guys didn’t touch them, the staff members placed them back with their usual stash of items they brought along for the guys.
“PuppyM humiliated me,” Seungmin grumbled. “I can never show my face at this venue again.”
“I’m proud of Leebit,” Minho announced. “Speaking of Leebit, does anyone know which backup dancer was in the costume? I’d like to speak with them.”
The guys all shared glances. Jeongin looked away, biting his lower lip. The temptation of a grin appeared and he struggled to keep it hidden. Hyunjin shrugged from his seat across the way. In front of dazzling lights along the makeup mirror, he caught Minho’s eyes in the mirror’s reflection.
“You should go find out. I’m pretty sure the backup dancers are in the room next door. They should be changed out of the costumes by now. I’m sure whoever played Leebit and PuppyM are more exhausted than we are. That was quite the show they put on.”
“I don’t want to bother them.”
“Go on, hyung,” Jisung encouraged. “I’m sure Leebit is thrilled to speak with you. Er, I mean, whoever was in the Leebit suit.”
Minho sucked in a deep breath and sighed. His hands slapped his knees and he pushed himself up with a grunt. “Okay, I’m going. Be back soon, so don’t leave without me.”
A murmur of agreements floated around him. He spun to the side and headed out of the room. Out in the hallway, there weren’t any staff members around. Bare brick walls had been painted white and sealed with a primer. He glanced left and then right. There wasn’t a door to the right, but there was one to the left.
He shifted and rolled his shoulders, trying to shake out the tension within them. Stepping up to the closed wooden door, he reached up and knocked a few times. He stepped back, assuming the door would open, but it never did. He tried again and when no response came, he grabbed the handle and pushed it open.
Inside, the Leebit mascot sat in a metal folding chair facing his direction. He froze, staring face-to-face with the mascot. Adam’s apple bobbing with a gulp, he finally stepped inside and let the door swing shut behind him.
“Very funny. You’ve got me. Can you take off that stupid head, so we can talk?”
No response.
“Hello?” He waved a hand their way. “Don’t tell me you fell asleep in the costume. Are you serious? How tired could you be?”
Not even a twitch. The mascot sat staring at him without a peep. Not a breath or single movement moved his way. Suddenly worried, Minho stepped forth. The suit could be hot, he knew because he’d been in it before. What if the person overheated and they’d passed out?
Body tensing with panic, he hurried over with a frown. He gently curled his hands around the mascot’s head and tugged upright. When he pulled it off, he let out a gasp and dropped the Leebit head. It hit the ground and rolled off to the side.
“Funny seeing you here,” you commented casually. “It took you long enough to get here. I thought you weren’t ever going to appear.”
“Why are you–”
“Here? What’s it look like I’m doing? Obviously, I was working, wasn’t I? Did you like the show? I’ve always wanted to fight PuppyM.”
“You were in the suit this entire time?”
“Yeah and I defended your honor. You always said if you have something to prove, fight and win. I did that, didn’t I? I fought hard and I won on your behalf.”
He tried to form words, but nothing came out, other than the faintest chuckle of disbelief. Staring at you, his gaze softened. When your eyes met, your excitement dulled instantly. A rare wetness appeared in his eyes.
You reached out a hand to grab his arm. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Without the gloves on your hands, the warmth of your fingers curled around his wrist. “Babe?”
He blinked rapidly and shook his head, using his arm to soak up the forming tears. “I’m not crying. I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Of course, you didn’t know. I told the staff members not to tell you. Even the other guys were supposed to keep it hidden from you.”
“The other guys knew?”
“They were in on it from the start. Actually, I should commend Jisung for all of this. I was rambling to him a few weeks ago. It’s hard being away from you while you’re on tour. When you didn’t answer your phone, I called him to check on you.”
Your words tugged on his heart. There’d been a few times when he hadn’t been able to talk to you as much as he would have liked to. On tour, concerts were scheduled back-to-back. Time zones held different times. He tried to text you as much as he could. He only called when he knew you were free and you’d be able to answer your phone and speak for more than a few minutes at a time.
“You have no idea how much I missed you.”
“Judging by those tears, I could take a guess.”
A timid smile appeared on his face. He swallowed and wiped his eyes with his long sleeve shirt sleeve again. “This isn’t fair,” he mumbled. “I wasn’t prepared for this.”
Two sharp knocks hit the door behind the two of you. You glanced up to find Chan appearing. Minho raised his eyebrow. Chan shrugged and smiled, revealing his dimples.
“Sorry to bother you two love birds, I forgot my water bottle when I was in here earlier.” He headed to a nearby coffee table and plucked up an empty bottle. “See you later.”
Without another word, he left.
Minho shook his head and glanced back at you. His breath left his chest. You were still in the rest of the Leebit suit. The boxing gloves sat along a nearby table. The Skzoo belt was there too. This time, he could finally see all the added details up close.
“You planned all this?” He uttered softly. He reached out and traced the cool etchings in the silver belt. Red rhinestones dulled beneath the shadows of his finger tips. “They all had a part to play in this?”
“Mhm. You know how much I miss you while you’re on tour. What can I say? You’re addicting and I can’t help myself.”
He remembered everything from nearly an hour ago. The way the crowd roared and the vibrations of the stomping. Boots, sneakers, and heels all storming together, creating a crescendo of sound to cheer you on. Not a single fan knew who was beneath the Skzoos, but it made it that much sweeter.
For those fifteen minutes on stage, you felt the adrenaline he felt while he danced and sang. Each time he described it to you, you listened without speaking. Enamored by the light in his eyes and the excitement in his voice, he tried to make you understand. Not everyone knew what it was like to be cheered for on stage. To have people looking up to you, feeding off your hyped energy, and giving you the same energy back. It was so special and after he’d spent days trying to describe it, you’d finally felt it.
Whether you knew it or not, the two of you were connected in a new way now. You knew how it felt for the heavens to open up and humans to seek your praise. It was a feeling he never took for granted. Each fan, they’d never know the appreciation he felt for them.
“I think I understand why you like performing so much,” you whispered. Hand curling around his, you lightly wiggled his hand. “That was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced.”
More sharp wraps on the door. Minho didn’t turn around this time. Felix’s familiar freckled face appeared. You glanced around Minho and shot him a smile.
“Sorry for invading, but I’m looking for a charger. Have you two seen it? It’s black? For an iPhone?”
“Uh…” You glanced around and shook your head. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen one since I was here earlier.”
“Oh, maybe one of the other guys has it,but thanks for checking.”
When the two of you were alone again, your eyes caught Minho’s. “Do you think they’re coming over here on purpose?”
“Knowing them? Yeah. Jerks.”
“I think it’s sweet.”
“It’s annoying. They’re ruining my time with you. Get up.” He grabbed your wrists and hoisted you to your feet. “We’ve gotta get you free of this. The costume can’t be comfortable.”
You let him tug you upright. He pushed your chair back and slipped behind you. He grabbed the silk robe the Leebit was wearing. “What is this anyway?”
“Like the thing boxers wear to their matches.”
He rolled his eyes, but didn’t utter a word. Arm-by-arm, he carefully helped you out of it. Beneath it, the long black t-shirt hovered over the Leebit torso. He tugged it upright to find the zipper.
“I never thought you’d undress me like this.”
“Shut up.”
Blush soaked his cheeks. You couldn’t see it, but you imagined it. Pride swelled in your own chest. You reached back, trying to hold the shirt, so he could help free you.
There were no knocks as the door swung open. “What’s up, guys? Have you seen–”
Minho’s nostrils flared. He looked up to find Changbin using a shoulder to prop open the door. “Changbin, if you don’t get out and tell the others to stop coming in and interrupting the two of us, I’m going to make sure the next time one of you comes in, we’re both butt naked.”
Your eyes widened in shock.
Changbin’s jaw dropped. He sputtered and took a step back. “I-I’ll tell them. Yes, sir. Won’t happen again.” He scurried off, like a frightened mouse.
The zipper unzipped and the back of the Leebit costume opened up. As Minho tugged it down, your sweaty body appeared. The costume dropped to your feet. He held your hand as you stepped out of it.
“That wasn’t very nice,” you started.
“Neither are their interruptions. I’ve been dying to kiss you, but it’s about impossible when you’re wearing the skin of my son.”
“Uh, excuse me?”
The only response you received was his fingers curled around your chin and his lips against yours. For someone so mouthy, he certainly did know how to use his mouth. You’d be lying if you said you hated it.
And in the next room over, the guys stayed put, fearing Minho’s threat wasn’t a threat, but rather a promise.
