Hi, I’m Lie and I write fanfic for fun (and also to escape reality) as one does. When I’m not writing fanfic, I’m working on my own original stories because I dream to be a published author. Until that happens, I’ll be posting my silly little fanfics.
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Summary: As a skincare connoisseur, you become the person the guys turn to to learn about skincare.
Genre: 9th member AU
Word Count: 6.3K
A/N: Please know this is based on a request from ages ago. This is intended as a crackfic. I'm sure the members know about skincare and this is all for shits and giggles <3
The sharp scream reverberating off the bathroom walls cut straight through the romantic comedy Changbin and Hyunjin were watching. Suddenly, the subtle flirting between the characters didn’t matter anymore. The bright lively scenes were left behind as Hyunjin called your name in a panic. Changbin pushed himself off the couch and rushed through the carpeted hallway.
In their shared bathroom, they found you clutching a plastic blue razor in fear. The moment Changbin stepped through the doorway, he grabbed the ceramic hand soap bottle. “What? What is it?” His head jerked around wildly and his eyes scanned the ground. “Is it a spider? A cockroach? WHERE IS IT?”
“It’s neither of those things! Who bought an 18-in-1 soap? What the hell is this?” You reached out and tugged up the large bottle off the edge of the tub. “You’ve got to be joking.”
Hyunjin poked his head around the door frame. “That would be Changbin’s latest purchase that he shipped all the way from America.”
Your eye twitched as you stared at Changbin, casting him a judgemental look. He squirmed beneath your gaze. After placing the soap dispenser down, he crossed his arms around his chest. “What? What’s the problem? Listen, it was partly for an experiment.”
“You know those jokes about guys who use 10-in-1 soaps? I didn’t think you’d actually be one of them.”
“Hey! Don’t knock it until you try it! Every time I use that soap, I feel like a brand new person. It’s peppermint scented and there’s a cooling agent within it. That’s Dr. Bronner’s magical soap for your information. I swear it strips everything from my skin and it really is magic.”
“Couldn’t be me,” Hyunjin mumbled beneath his breath.
You picked up the bottle and began to read off the list of things the soap could be used for. “For the face and body. Dilute it with water and use it as a foaming hand soap. Makeup remover, shampoo, shaving, dish soap, laundry soap, use it to wash your windows…” You cocked your head. “Toothpaste? It says you can use it as a toothpaste?”
“Woah, okay.” He stuck his hands out and waved frantically. “I even draw the line at that.” He reached out and yanked it from your hands. “It’s a great product and for your information, I was thinking of recommending it to our fans.”
Hyunjin snorted. “You’re going to directly tell the fans to wash themselves?”
Changbin huffed and curled the bottle closer, as if it was a newborn child. “Listen, you have to know when to say when. Some of our fans tend to camp out near venues and they smell like…” He trailed off, but his nose crinkled in disgust.
“Ass,” you blurted out. “You can say it. Some of them smell like straight dog-shit.”
“I didn’t want to be mean!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know the fans bugged our house.”
“Well…” Changbin’s voice softened. “Probably not, but you know how crazy some sasaengs get.”
“Can we not discuss this? You’re both ruining my romantic comedy. The two main characters were about to kiss and you’re killing the vibes with your stink, stank, stunk conversation.”
Both you and Changbin shot out protests, but Hyunjin ignored them. He walked away, so he could rewind the past few minutes of his movie. As you stood there eyeing Changbin, your eyes narrowed at him. “One day, I’m going to make you smell like a goddamn bakery.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t want an entire fifteen step skin care routine. I’m not like you. As long as I’m clean, my hair is washed and my face is washed, it’s fine.”
“And what about your ass?”
“Um, excuse me?” His voice raised.
“In this life, you either wash between your cheeks or you don’t and I hope you choose to wash yourself properly.” You pointed two fingers towards your eyes and back to him. “I’m onto you, bucko.”
With the razor secured in your other hand, you scurried away, leaving Changbin alone and distressed at your implication at his lack of hygiene.
~ ~ ~
“And then they implied I don’t wash my butt properly in the shower!” Changbin threw up his hands. “I’m Seo Changbin! I’m not the perfect man, but I know how to wash my body properly!”
Bang Chan attempted to stifle his giggles. Jisung’s fingers curled tighter into Chan’s shoulder. His body shifted forward and squeaky laughter spilled from his lips. Changbin shot the two of them a glare. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”
“Who buys an 18-in-1 soap?” Jisung uttered through giggles.
A sharp squeak fell from Chan. Jisung’s laughter grew louder. Eyes crinkled with humor, unable to contain the build of laughter any longer, they both fell into hyena laughs. When one laughed harder, the other followed. Jisung swatted Chan’s thigh when tears started to form in his eyes. He could barely tell him to stop, so he didn’t laugh harder.
An ugly pout stuck on Changbin’s face. He huffed and spun around in the chair. “Screw you guys, it’s the last time I ever complain to you.”
Jisung sucked in a sharp breath and straightened himself up. On the plush couch, he shifted and managed to inhale properly. “Do you wash your ass properly or…?”
“Yah!” Changbin grabbed his empty paper coffee cup and whirled it in Jisung’s direction. The empty cup barely flew two feet before it hit the velvet carpet with barely a thud. “You both suck!”
Chan’s arms wrapped around Jisung’s torso. Jisung’s laughter grew louder. Sank deep into the welcoming couch cushions, they were too busy laughing when Seungmin and Felix showed up. The two of them surveyed the area and Felix raised an eyebrow. “What’s going on here?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Changbin grumbled. “I’m not repeating it because I’ve learned my lesson. Would the two of you stop laughing? We have lines to record and deadlines to meet.”
Seungmin examined the situation with cynical eyes. He picked up on Changbin’s pouting right away. He walked closer to Changbin and swept a few fingers across his shoulder. “Poor thing. They made fun of you again, didn’t they?”
Before he could dig his fingers into a sore spot, Changbin’s arm swung. He grabbed Seungmin’s wrist, swung it upright, and yanked him closer. “Listen here Kim Seungmin, I’m not in the mood for your funny business.”
A smirk sprouted on the side of Seungmin’s face. “Oh, really?”
Changbin jerked his arm up and yanked it back, causing it to stretch uncomfortably. “Don’t test me.”
“Someone’s having a bad day, huh?”
Changbin’s other hand reached up and thwacked him in the back of the head. Seungmin chuckled and pulled away. “Should we gather the tissues for your tears?
“I’m gonna beat you up.”
“He’d love that,” Felix whispered beneath his breath. He walked further in the studio and plopped down on the untouched section of the couch. His voice returned to its usual volume. “So who is recording first?”
Jisung freed himself and Chan wiped his eyes. Changbin grabbed the folder in front of him and flipped through a stash of papers. “Since I’m directing today, I think we should do Lix first. Seungmin, you can take a lap.”
“I think I’ll just sit here and watch.” Seungmin slid into an empty rolling chair and sank back. “Okay, Yongbok, get in there and shine bright.”
Before Felix entered the glass booth, he reached over and lightly ruffled Seungmin’s hair. Chan and Jisung regained their composure. Chan joined Seungmin and Changbin and slipped into the third final seat. The memory foam cushion sank when he sat down. He cleared his throat and grabbed a pencil. “Changbin, whenever you’re ready to start, we’re ready to go.”
Jisung grabbed Changbin’s empty coffee cup and tossed it in the trash. While he observed and texted some of the other members, he tried to brush off the conversation. Sooner or later, you’d appear and if the topic was brought up again, he doubted you’d drop it so easily. You loved your skincare stuff. Out of all the members, you were the most passionate about it. It felt like every week, you had something new.
Another oil to soften the skin. A body lotion that helped brighten dark spots. Some sort of serum to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. Scrubs to scrape off dead skin and new items to wash your skin with. With you, it was never ending. You took pride in your skin in a way most of them had never seen before.
Little did they know, you weren’t about to let this incident go.
~ ~ ~
Minho frowned and rubbed a thumb across his elbow. He stood with his duffle bag slung across his shoulder. In a white tank top and a pair of black sweatpants, sweat clung to every part of his body. Front pieces of his dark hair stood up from where he’d swung his head around while dancing. The sweat and a hand to push back his hair hadn’t helped between moves and breaks. Just when he thought he’d fixed everything, it stuck up again.
He caught his own gaze in the mirror and reached up to brush the pieces back down. When they looked good, a hand went back to one of his elbows. You were heading in the direction of the door when you noticed. “Minho, are you okay?”
“I would be if my elbow stopped itching. The weather has been rough lately. I think the constant warm air is making my skin dry or something. It’s so humid out, it’s hard to feel hydrated all the time. Both my elbows feel dry and itchy. Does it look bad?” He shifted his hips and pushed his elbow in your direction.
Faint red marks appeared from where he’d scratched the skin with his nails. You studied the skin and hummed softly to yourself. “Are you using lotion?”
“Yeah. My old lotion didn’t seem to help, so I bought a new one. The new one caused me to develop a rash, so I gave it to Jisung and I bought a new one. It said it’d help with dry skin. I’ve used it for almost a week, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much.”
“Do you use it after the shower?”
“Uh…” He slowly shook his head.
“Try putting it on after you bathe and see what happens. You could also use body butter or body oil on top of it.”
“A what?”
“Body lotion is created from mostly water and a little bit of oil. It absorbs into the skin quickly, but you need something a little more than that to help with dry skin. Body butter is made of plant butters and oil without water. It’s richer, thicker, and better at locking in moisture. Body oil is oil without water. They don’t hydrate the skin, but they help mimic your skin barrier and leave behind glowy skin.”
Minho blinked once and then twice. “Why are you basically a dermatologist?”
You shrugged. “What can I say? I like body care and smelling good. We’re idols, remember? We’re supposed to appear non-human and god-like.”
He rolled his eyes and tipped his head back with a groan. “Don’t remind me. I need to lose like another five pounds. I ate too much on that last trip we had.”
Your eyes instantly narrowed. “Why? You’re at a healthy weight and you look fine.”
“Because I–”
You reached up and held up a hand. “Don’t even. If anyone is harassing you about your weight, they’re dumb. You look great, seriously. Focus less on losing weight and more on fixing those dry elbows.” Your hand patted his shoulder. “I’ll bring you some stuff tomorrow you can try.”
“Thanks.”
“Only the best for one of my favorite idols.”
You left him standing alone shaking his head with a fond smile on his face. What were you planning on bringing tomorrow? He didn’t know and he was a little nervous to find out, but he trusted you. Surely, whatever it was, you’d be able to help his itchy elbows.
He just didn’t expect you to bring an entire skin care clinic.
~ ~ ~
The next morning, you didn’t bother knocking on Minho and Jisung’s door. Slumped over the living room couch, Minho’s arm lazily draped over the arm. Jisung’s head poked up instantly and he leaned over the couch, trying to spot who came through the front door. The words drifting from Jeongin’s lips came to a quiet halt.
In your arms, you lugged around two large tote bags over each shoulder. “Welcome to the lesson of skincare and smelling good.” Within the bags, plastic lids poked through the tops. A body oil shifted when one of the bags swung, attempting to free itself from your stash of goods.
“What is all that?” Jeongin reached over, grabbed the TV remote and clicked off the anime playing in the background.
You ignored the paused screen of an entanglement of flames and placed your bags on the coffee table. Without your arms holding up the straps, the canvas fabric dipped. Items spilled out over the top and clattered on the table’s surface. Some rolled onto the floor, one flipped upside down, and another stuck half in the bag and half out.
“Respectfully,” Jisung started, “who invited you? Why didn’t you knock? I thought we were about to become victims of a home invasion.”
“Because I texted Minho earlier and he said I could come in when I got here.”
“Uh...” Jeongin raised an eyebrow and held up a glass bottle. A clear cap sat over a plastic pump. He shifted it and tipped his head in confusion. “What is this? More importantly, why is it glittery?”
“That’s my shimmery body oil. That doesn’t matter. Anyway, I’m here because Minho needs help with his dry elbows.”
“While you’re at it, can you help Jisung with his dry feet? The next time he climbs into my bed to show me a dumb video and scrapes my leg with his dry heels, I might become murderous.”
Jisung protested instantly. He stood upright and shot a finger out at Minho. “That’s not fair! You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!”
“I’m helping you!”
Jeongin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Almost smugly, you moved closer to him and pulled the body oil from his fingers. “Do you need help with anything? Dry skin?”
“I don’t think so. I’m merely here because Jisung wanted to show me a show he watched with hyung the other day. He said I’d like it. I didn’t know you were coming over to give them lessons in body care.”
“Then stay, you might learn something.”
“I think I have to. I doubt you’ll let me leave. Besides,” he reached back and gestured to the bickering pair behind him, “I need to separate them.”
“Hey, bozos!” You called out.
Both Jisung and Minho stopped instantly. They jerked their heads in your direction. Minho’s words hit the air first. “What did you just call me?”
“Yeah!” Jisung’s arms curled over his chest. “What did you just call us?”
You shook your head and rolled your eyes. “Sit down and put on your listening ears.”
“My listening ears are perfectly well on,” Jisung grumbled. He dropped back onto the leather couch with a huff. “Whatever. Enlighten us with whatever it is, so I can get back to my show.”
“Minho, do you have any specific scents you like?” You grabbed one of the tote bags and pulled it to the end of the table. Kneeling down, you pulled items towards you and placed them upright. When Jeongin tried to grab a bottle, you lightly swatted his hand away.
“Not really. I don’t like the heavier scents. If I had to pick, I’d pick something light and subtle. There’s a cologne I use that has the faintest hint of vanilla, I like that.” He moved closer to Jisung and sat upright.
You started to pull colorful plastic tubes and tubs from the bag. Each one, you placed it on the table facing Minho. “We’ll start by picking a lotion scent and then finding a body butter scent that matches it. I think it’ll be better for you to use body butter right now rather than body oil.”
In the background, the air conditioning unit hummed. Soft lulls of cool air circulated throughout each room and kept the dorm at a reasonable temperature. Outside, sunlight bared down on the abandoned pavement and empty sidewalks. Lace white curtains left snippets of sunlight shower onto your display area. Despite the silhouettes of Jisung and Minho, enough sunlight passed around their bodies, it didn’t cause an issue.
Minho scanned the table and pointed to a tube of lotion. “Can I smell that one?” His finger stopped upon a white bottle with cursive black writing.
“That one? Yeah, sure. I’ve tried all of these, so I’m aware they work.”
Jeongin’s jaw dropped. “All of these? There’s so many of them. How could you possibly–”
“Hyunjin likes a bunch of body stuff too. Sometimes he gets them and if he doesn’t like them, he gives them to me. I don’t like wasting things. Most of the time, I rotate through different scents and different routines. If you think this is bad, you should see what I have stored away in my bedroom.”
Minho flipped the plastic cap and inhaled. The moment the scent tickled his nose, his eyes widened. “Woah, smell this.” He shoved it in Jisung’s direction and then held it out for Jeongin to sniff.
You let the three of them discuss it while you continued setting everything up.
“Wait,” Jeongin pulled back from the bottle. “It smells good, but it doesn’t smell like vanilla.”
“It’s not,” Minho said. He pulled the lotion back and recapped it. “It says it’s a marshmallow flavor.”
Jisung snickered. “Flavor? I wasn’t aware you were going to eat it.”
Minho shoved his shoulder and tightened his grip on the bottle. “Can I try this? I like this one.”
“You don’t want to sniff others?”
“Not really.”
You shrugged your shoulders. “That’s fine. If you were going to pair it with body butter, I’d pick something with a similar scent. Vanilla would go good with it or maybe a coffee bean scent. This section is all the body butters.” You circled your hand around more containers. “Take your pick.”
He grabbed a clear container filled to the top with thickened cream. You recognized it instantly as one of the vanilla scents. He unscrewed the lid, but before he could sniff it, his nose scrunched up. “Nuh-uh. Absolutely not.” Before he could inhale again, he quickly screwed the lid back on. “Too much scent.”
“But it smells so good,” Jisung uttered.
Minho pushed it into his hands. “Then you take it. I don’t want something that’s going to give me a headache.”
“If I can, I just might.”
You sat patiently as you watched Minho smell different scents. He finally stopped on a black cherry scent. The moment he inhaled, you knew he found the one. A grin stretched across your face. He inhaled deeply and shut his eyes. “Yeah, this is it.”
“Perfect. The next time you take a shower, you’re going to wash your body like normal. When you get out, apply this to your body first.” You pointed at his marshmallow lotion. Make sure you rub it in real good and then add the body butter over it. A little goes a long way. If you want to focus on your elbows, that’s fine, but you can use it on the rest of your body if you want to, just don’t put it on your face, it can clog facial pores.”
Jisung leaned over, so he could sniff the body butter. “Why is some of it gone?”
“Because I told you I’ve tested them all. I bought that one a few months ago.” You shrugged. “I was going through a cherry phase. You should wash your hands with soap and water before digging your fingers in it, so you don’t mix lotion into it or end up getting bacteria in the mixture.”
Minho seemed satisfied with his picks. He let Jeongin smell his body butter before he placed the cap back on. While the three were distracted, you emptied out your other tote bag. Products covered the top of the table. Those that didn’t fit, you placed them off to the side. You wiggled your fingers and picked out a few items for Jisung.
“Jisung, for–”
“Huh?” He jerked around to face you. “Me?” He pointed to himself. “What? What’d I do? What’s wrong?”
“If you want help with your dry feet, I recommend one of these.” You pushed a row of products in his direction.
“Wait, is it like Minho’s? Will it take more than one step? I’m not good at following steps. I might mix up the two and mess it up.”
“Most of these lotions have vaseline in them. It’s great for hydrating dry skin too. After a shower, add the lotion to your feet and put on a pair of socks. You can sleep with the socks on or just keep them on for like an hour before bed. If it doesn’t work, we can try something else.”
“Cocoa butter, aloe vera, and what’s this one?” He pulled a large white bottle towards him and started to unscrew the cap.
“It’s a light fresh scent, kind of like laundry.”
He sniffed it and grabbed the aloe vera scented lotion. After going back and forth and weighing the input from Jeongin and Minho, he finally settled on the aloe vera scent. Without wasting time, he squirted half a pump on his hands and rubbed them together. “Time to get these hands extra soft.”
Jeongin’s face scrunched in disgust at his wording. Minho snickered and stood up, holding a product in each hand. “I’ll be back. I want to put these on the bathroom sink, so I can use them later tonight.”
“Jeongin, do you want to pick out a lotion? I have plenty of them to choose from.”
Jeongin hummed softly to himself. He studied everything and slowly reached out and picked up a bottle of serum. “What is this? Why is it so glowy?”
“That’s another shimmery body oil. Do you want one? You’d put on lotion after you shower and then add body oil afterwards. It’s good at making your body glow.”
“Like Edward Cullen?”
You grabbed a nearby body oil and unscrewed the cap. Without speaking, you squirted a small amount on the back of your hand and rubbed it in. Sure enough, when you moved your hand, a shimmery glow reflected for everyone to see. Jisung instantly gasped. “Woah! That’s so cool! Is it oily?”
“This one? Not really. A little, but it absorbs into the skin quickly.”
“Amazing,” Jisung whispered.
By the time Minho came back, Jeongin had a baby powder scented lotion in his hands along with a new body oil. His eyes darted between the plastic tube and the small glass bottle. “This is perfect. The baby powder lotion will match the scent of my shampoo and conditioner.”
“Yeah, perfect.” Jisung reached forward and gently cupped the sides of Jeongin’s head. “For my nose. I love the scent of your soap.”
“Hey! What are you doing?” Jeongin reached up to swat him away, but before he could, Jisung shoved his nose against the top of his scalp and inhaled.
“Yeah, that hits the spot. Hold still, let me sniff you again.”
Minho raised an eyebrow and looked at you. You shrugged and started to organize your products, so they were easier to organize once you brought them back home. He sighed and dropped back to the edge of the couch. “I live with such a weirdo.”
“Your weirdo,” Jisung corrected him. “Don’t act like you haven’t sniffed Jeongin’s hair before.”
“Not like that! You’re inhaling it like it’s crack.”
“It’s like crack to me!”
Jeongin’s cheeks grew red and he covered his face. “Are you done? This is humiliating. I don’t want to have this conversation anymore.”
“Hold still, I want another sniff.”
You tried not to laugh as you worked, not wanting to add onto Jeongin’s humiliation, but it was nearly impossible. When Jisung finished, he slumped back on the couch and shut his eyes. His hands relaxed on his lap and he smiled.
“Yeah, that’s the good stuff.”
~ ~ ~
A few days later, you sat in your bedroom alone when a knock came from the wooden door. Laid sideways on your bed, your fuzzy-socked feet dangled off the edge. “Come in, it’s open.”
When the door swung open, you expected to find Hyunjin or Changbin, but to your surprise, Felix appeared. “Hi, you.” He walked inside and shut the door. “Changbin said I could find you here. Are you doing anything right now?”
You pushed yourself up with an arm and sat up. “Not at the moment. What’s up? It feels like you never come over.”
“My schedule has been packed recently.”
“That’s right.” You patted the space beside you. “One of my favorite little ambassadors, careful with all those contracts, you might put everyone out of a job.”
Half of his mouth turned up in a smile. His dimples instantly appeared. “Fortunately for you, your job is irreplaceable.”
“Only as long as JYP wants me around.”
“He loves you.”
“Mhm, if you say so.”
He dropped down onto the side of your bed and you curled your head onto his shoulder. “So how may I assist you today?”
His arm instantly curled around you and pulled you tighter against him. “A few little birdies have said you helped them with some skincare stuff.”
“And you need me to be your fairy god skincare parent?”
He laughed and tugged you closer. “Yeah, if you could. Minho was talking about a few things you gave him. Jeongin even said you helped him become glowy. I don’t understand everything they said, but I understood the moisturizing part.”
“Fortunately, I’m in business today. Give me your specific problems and I’ll help you find a solution.” You patted his thigh and wiggled free. Pushing upright, you reached up and stretched your arms high overhead with a yawn.
“First problem? My lips keep getting chapped.”
“Chapstick.”
“I’ve already tried four different brands.”
“Have you tried lip oil?”
His head shook.
“Let’s start there.” You walked over to your closet and pushed the sliding door open. Inside, clothing items sat on organized hangers. “Do you like mangoes? I just bought a brand new one that’s mango scented.”
“Does it taste like mangoes?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t opened it and tried it yet, but if you want it, you can have it. I like to buy backups in case I lose the one I have. I can tell you it works great. I have a peach scented one with the same formula and same brand, just a different scent.”
You bent over a few totes housing body care products and grabbed a small plastic container. Tugging it out, you brought the shelved unit back to the bed, so Felix could see. “I keep some skincare stuff in here. This drawer hosts lip stuff.” You tugged open the bottom drawer. Glossy clear tubes of different nude colors appeared.
“Oh, what’s this?” Felix grabbed a bright red tube and held it up. He squinted to read the golden words. “Hydrating lip mask. What’s a lip mask?”
“It’s another thing you can put on your lips to hydrate them.” You pulled out a soft peach tube and handed it to him. “There you go, still wrapped in the plastic and everything. Try that and see what happens. If you’re feeling crazy, you can put a lip balm on your lips and lock it in with the lip oil for double hydration and shiny lips.”
He dropped the tube back in its rightful home and took the tube you handed him. “Wow, you’re really good at this skincare stuff. You should make skincare videos or something.” He took a nail and pried it beneath the plastic, trying to rip it off.
“You think so? I’ve never thought about doing anything like that.” You placed the plastic drawered container on your nightstand and settled back onto your bed. Before you could offer Felix any assistance with removing the plastic, he took it to his teeth and yanked it off.
“If nobody else would watch it, I’d watch it.”
“Thank you, it means a lot.”
He leaned over your body and dropped the plastic in the trash can. Unable to contain his excitement, he unscrewed the threaded cap and revealed the soft tip of the oil. “Oooh, it really does look like oil. I should go find a mirror, so I can put this on.”
You gently tugged the wand from him. “Here, let me help you. Just sit there and look pretty.” You turned your body and moved closer. With your knee against his thigh, you lightly dragged the peachy color over his lips. Can you part your lips a little?”
He followed your directions perfectly. Within a few seconds, the liquid saturated every inch of his lips. He lightly pressed his lips together and then his eyes widened. You froze, unsure if you did something wrong or not. “What? What is it?”
“It tastes exactly like mangoes.”
“Felix! You’re not supposed to eat it!”
“I can’t help it! It smelled so good, I had to try it.”
You shook your head, recapped the product, and handed it to him. “Try not to eat it. Just be aware, it makes your lips semi-glossy like lip gloss. If you go out and wear it, just know it might be mistaken for lip gloss.”
“The world can’t handle me in lip gloss. They lost their minds when I worked with Hera Beauty. Speaking of lip gloss, have you tried the lip gloss I promoted? It’s so good!”
You didn’t mind getting lost in his rambling and the scent of mangoes wafting from his lips.
~ ~ ~
You didn’t realize your mentions of the skincare routine were making people at odds with one another until you walked into Chan and Jeongin’s dorm. All you wanted to do was bring your lyrics to Chan. Last you checked, he said he wasn’t doing anything this weekend. You’d wanted to drop them off, so you stopped nervously looking at the piece of paper and overthinking the lyrics.
Instead of the usual quiet dorm, you found Hyunjin on one side of the living room and Chan on the other. Hyunjin’s arms flung up and he objected to Chan’s words. Chan sat in a recliner with his bare legs stretched out and his arms curled over his chest. Jeongin and Seungmin shared a bowl of popcorn on the couch.
Before you could ask what happened, Jeongin patted an empty section of the couch. “You made it just in time. I think someone is going to throat punch someone.”
“And I can’t wait for that to happen.” Seungmin scooped up another handful of popcorn and shoved a piece in his mouth. “It’s getting good.”
“No, Chan, you don’t get it.”
“No, I completely get it. You’re the one who doesn’t get it. I’m right and I know what I’m talking about.”
“No, you’re not! There is no way coffee scrub is better than sugar scrub. Sugar scrub is like the holy grail of scrubs. It’s scented in different scents, it smooths the skin, and it brightens the color of your skin. Plus–”
“And coffee scrub is similar, but better! How can you hate the scent of coffee? It’s refreshing, it cleanses far better, and it improves blood circulation. It’s like drinking a cup of coffee through your skin.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s better than sugar scrub!”
“Yes, it does!”
You reached back and grabbed the back of your neck. Blush ran to your cheeks. Chan and Hyunjin both recently questioned you about exfoliation and you gave them both different recommendations. Chan drank a lot of coffee and he sat quite a bit while producing, so you thought the coffee scrub would help.
On the other hand, Hyunjin liked to try different scents, so you recommended him a sugar scrub. You even recommended one of your favorite brands. You never thought it’d lead to a verbal altercation. Yet, Seungmin and Jeongin seemed to be having the time of their life experiencing it.
“Um, hello?” You waved your folder with your lyrics in it to capture their attention. “Guys, neither body scrub is necessarily better than the other, it’s based upon personal preference.”
Hyunjin whirled around at the sight of you. “Thank god you’re here! I was just saying sugar scrub is far better than coffee scrub.”
“It’s not!” Chan called from behind him. “Have you ever tried a coffee scrub? It’s great for waking up the skin.”
“I have! The last time I tried it, it gave me a rash! A rash!” Hyunjin’s voice raised. “All because it sucks! I used it every day and–”
“Wait!” Your eyes widened. “You used the coffee scrub every day when you had it?”
“Huh?” He whirled around to face you. “Yeah, duh.”
Chan busted into a fit of giggles. You stood in front of Hyunjin with a horrified look on your face. When he saw it, he rushed forward and grabbed your forearms. “What? Why are you looking at me like that? What is it?”
“Hyunjin, exfoliation products are only supposed to be used once or twice a week, not every day.”
“What?”
“Using it every day can irritate your skin.”
He gasped and stepped back, securing a hand over his mouth. “Oh my god, is that why my sugar scrub has been making me itchy?”
“I told you once or twice a week!”
“I wasn’t listening properly! We were in the sugar scrub section of the beauty store! How was I supposed to listen when I was sniffing scrubs?!”
“It says it on the back of the container!”
“Why would I read the directions when you told me what to do?”
While you were flattered at his words, you slapped a hand to your forehead. Bang Chan’s laughter grew loud. Jeongin leaned forward, curling over his lap as his body shook with his own laughter. Seungmin grinned and zoomed his phone camera into Hyunjin’s shocked face. “Pabo!” He called out. “Everyone point and laugh!”
Both Jeongin and Chan pointed out a finger and laughed. Seungmin’s own arm stuck out and he waved a finger at him. “Idiot!”
“Am not!”
Seungmin clicked and ended the video. He instantly opened up the Bubble app. “I’m flaming you for everyone to see.”
Hyunjin shrieked and fell to his knees. “Why does this always happen to me?” He threw his arms out to the side. Before anyone could warn him, the back of his fist whacked the side of a wooden coffee table. He shrieked and grabbed his fist, flopping onto his side. “It’s such a cold and cruel, cruel world.”
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jeongin asked.
“My pride is wounded.”
“I think you’ll be okay.”
Chan cleared his throat and shifted forward. He called your name, kicked the beige recliner’s outstretched reclined end back, and stood up. He walked closer to you and reached for your purple folder. You handed it to him, so he could glance at the lyrics. If he had any questions about your lyrics, they didn’t get to be asked.
Instead, Seungmin piped up from his phone. “Everyone should know that African net sponges are the best thing to exfoliate with. I’ve been using mine for the past two years and only replaced it once. I use it twice a week and they last a long time. None of you can disagree with me because an entire country and history are both on my side.”
That shut everyone up, including you. It took a moment before you found your voice. “How do you know what an African net sponge is?”
“Fancy pants, you think you’re the only one who knows how to take care of their skin? I have an older sister and Google, you’re not special.”
Hyunjin pushed himself up from the hardwood floor. “You know what? Suddenly, I don’t feel like a victim anymore.” He dusted off his shoulders and stood up. His non-injured hand went to your shoulder. “The floor is great if you need some comfort.”
“I wasn’t expecting to get sassed today,” you mumbled. “I suppose I deserve it for being a little overbearing with the whole skincare thing lately. I just want everyone to feel good and smell good.”
“Don’t be crazy, we love your skincare stuff,” Jeongin chimed up. “I didn’t know what body exfoliation was until I used some of Chan’s coffee scrub.”
Chan’s head whipped in his direction. His eyes widened in shock. “You what?”
“Uh… nothing.”
“Is that why a huge handful was taken out of the container?”
“I’ve got long limbs!” Jeongin defended himself. “Besides, it’s not like you haven’t used my shampoo and conditioner!”
“One pump of each to merely try it!”
“Same thing!”
“Yeah, your skincare stuff works wonders. Lately, I’ve heard Changbin finally started to wash his ass, it’s practically a Christmas miracle.”
“Seungmin!” Hyunjin shrieked. “Stop! We don’t know that! You can’t just say something like that!”
“He smells like a real alpha man now,” Seungmin continued with a full size grin. “I can smell it when he manhandles me.”
“Oh, god.”
“Ew.”
“I don’t think I want to be here for this conversation anymore,” Chan mumbled beneath his breath. He opened the folder for your lyrics and busied himself reading them.
Hyunjin and Jeongin shared an equal look of disgust. Your cheeks flushed red, but you tried to ignore Seungmin’s triumph. Instead, you glanced over Chan’s shoulder, so you could see the lyrics you’d written.
Regardless of what was happening in the dorms and in their showers, you were just happy that everyone had found ways to improve their daily lives.
Summary: You're not thrilled when your boyfriend unexpectedly brings home a newfound pet snake after attending a reptile expo with his friends.
Genre: Slice of life
Word Count: 6.5K
Milky batter sizzled on top of the skillet’s surface. Tied up in an old apron and hit by the warm scent of cinnamon, your body relaxed. Silicon spatula in one hand, the other kept you propped upright against the granite countertop. As you waited for the soaked bread to cook, a quiet hum spilled from your lips.
It wasn’t every day you decided to cook french bread for dinner, but that’s what you decided tonight. Changbin said he’d be home later than usual. Most Saturdays, you spent them hanging out with one another. Saturdays were lazy days or days spent with friends and family. It all depended on the month’s events, your relationship with others, and the vibe of the day.
Saturdays remained your favorite days of the week. Out of all the sins out there, you preferred greed. It was greedy to want your boyfriend all to yourself, but you desired it regardless. So when Changbin announced he had to leave this afternoon, so he could film a video with Jisung and Hyunjin, you weren’t thrilled, but you understood.
It took a while before you let your arms fall back to your sides. Before Changbin could leave, you wrapped him in a tight hug and didn’t let him go right away. Clouding your body with his warmth and the smokey scent of his cologne, you didn’t want to let go. Even when he questioned why you were being so clingy, you shrugged. You didn’t dare admit you missed him more this week than most weeks.
It’d been a hard week and you planned to spend the day fulfilling your greed by waking up beside him and curling into his side. To thread your hand through his as he disappeared into the kitchen to find food. Crawling into his lap on the couch, so you could watch a movie curled up beside him.
You didn’t complain on the days when Changbin wanted more physical contact and affection and in return, he let you have your own days where you needed to cling to him like a koala. He’d fulfill your greed by the spoonful, if it made you happy. Whenever you looked up at him with a specific soft gaze and eyes full of lovesick goo, his heart jumped in his chest and threatened to burst. You were everything he ever wanted and more.
Your spatula slipped beneath the now cooked french toast and you flipped it. You’d already prepared the ceramic plate and the maple syrup. Waiting is the worst part of cooking. Your stomach growled, but if you turned the burner higher, you’d only burn your food instead of evenly cooking it. Golden brown would become tar black and it wouldn’t taste nearly as good.
Ding-dong.
You stopped with the spatula in mid-air and raised an eyebrow. Who could possibly be showing up at this hour? Neon numbers held steady to the 7:23 on the microwave. Changbin wouldn’t ring the doorbell, he had his key. Even if he did ring the doorbell because he was carrying something, he’d ring it multiple times, so you knew it was him.
“It better be important.” You mumbled beneath your breath as you glanced back down at the skillet. You flicked the burner knob to the lowest setting and placed your spatula in a ceramic holder on the stove.
Your socked feet padded quietly along the wooden floor. Behind the front door, murmurs sounded. The door bell repeated the usual ding. You turned the lock, twisted the knob, and pulled the door open. To your surprise, Hyunjin stood with a strained look on his face. Between his arms, a huge glass tank sat.
Behind him, Jisung’s face poked above his shoulder. He called your name and waved. You reached up and pushed open the screen door. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you were filming.”
Hyunjin shifted and propped open the screen door with his elbow. “Please move aside before I drop this. I’m going to kill Changbin, I swear.”
“Oh, you know, just helping out a friend,” Jisung responded. “Even if I don’t exactly agree with his pet choices.”
“Says the guy who plans on getting a lizard tomorrow.”
“Hey!” Jisung’s lips stuck out in a twisted pout. “That’s different!”
Hyunjin groaned and walked further into the living room before shifting and placing the glass tank on the floor. He let out a sigh and stood back upright. Placing his hands on his lower back, he winced. “I think I threw my back out.”
“That’s why I told you to let Changbin–”
“I’m not touching that creature!” He spat. “We just went to that reptile expo thing. It’s one thing to see reptiles in their natural habitats, but it’s another to purchase one that’s about as long as the Eiffel Tower.”
“Dramatic much?”
“Dramatic?” Hyunjin scoffed and instantly winced, grabbing his back again. “Didn’t you see it? It’s huge.”
“I was too busy driving and trying not to get us killed.”
“Someone should have told him not to make such an irrational decision.”
“Well…” Jisung reached up and scratched the back of his neck. “It sounded like a good idea at the time.”
You stared down at the glass tank as they continued to bicker. It was bigger than your coffee table and how on earth Hyunjin managed to carry it inside alone, you had no idea. Your attention briefly went back to the open kitchen before you cleared your throat. “Sorry to interrupt you two, but what are you talking about? Where’s Changbin and what did he buy?”
Hyunjin whirled around with wide eyes. Jisung reached up and placed a hand over his mouth. Hyunjin glanced between you, Jisung, and the tank before busting into a fit of laughter.
“What? What’s so funny?” You asked.
“Oh my god, he didn’t tell you he was buying it?” Jisung whispered from behind his hand. “Oh no.”
“Someone’s going to be sleeping on the couch tonight,” Hyunjin joked.
“Seriously, what are you two talking about?”
“I hope you like reptiles.”
The screen door opened and shut. The three of you turned your attention to it. The moment you saw your boyfriend, you couldn’t breathe. Curled around his shoulders was a large snake. Black and tanned patterns curled around its noodle-shaped body from the tail to the top of its head. The body lazily curled around his shoulders and its tail drooped past his pecs.
Your jaw dropped open in shock. Before the panicked words spewed out, Changbin spoke up. “Listen, I know this is a bit unexpected, but I can explain.”
“Is that a fucking snake?” You whispered.
“It’s a Ball Python.”
“A snake?” You kept your voice low, fearing it’d disrupt the snake’s relaxation.
Its head poked around in different directions. The pinkened fork tongue shot out non-stop. Beady black eyes scanned the living room. It slithered and shifted around Changbin’s shoulders more. He adjusted his grip to keep the snake comfortable. “In my defense, we talked about getting a pet last week.”
“I meant like a cat or a dog or a bird or–”
“I’m allergic to cats.”
“Like a dog or a bird or a hamster or I don’t know, anything that doesn’t look that big and slither! What happened to the topic of something cute and fluffy? Speaking of fluffy, excuse me, I have french toast to continue cooking.”
You spun around and walked away, leaving Changbin standing with Jisung and Hyunjin. The two of them shared a look before Jisung headed back towards the screen door. “Come on, Hyunjin. Let’s go get the rest of the stuff.”
“Babe, come on.” Changbin walked after you and followed you into the kitchen. “Please don’t walk away from this. How could I resist purchasing him? The guy at the expo venue said he’s gentle and beginner friendly.”
“Uh-huh, sure.” You uttered as you picked back up the spatula to check on your french toast. “The guy who talked you into buying a snake.” You flipped it over to find the bottom crusted in a golden brown. With a flick, you turned off the burner. “The guy who probably was there to make money.”
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad.”
“You’re not looking at me.”
“Maybe because you’re wearing a large snake as a feather boa and you know how I feel about snakes. You could have at least texted me and given me a heads up.” You scooped up your french toast with too much force, causing it to slip off the spatula and onto the top of the stove.
“He’s friendly,” he tried to coax you into the idea again. “He even likes Han. He’d like Hyunjin too, but he won’t go near him. The guy said he doesn’t bite.”
“Can’t blame him.” You pinched the edge of the bread and winced as the heat burned your fingers.
“Babe…”
You picked up the bread and tossed it onto your plate before turning around. “You travel for photoshoots, interviews, vacations, and you go on tours.” Your arms instinctively went over your chest. “Your family doesn’t live in the area, so who exactly are you going to ask to feed this snake? To clean the enclosure?”
His mouth sank into a frown.
“It can’t be one of your members. The staff members you’re friends with will be going on tour with you. You can’t possibly expect this snake to be comfortable traveling to different areas, just so someone can look after it and take care of it.”
“I thought you could do it,” he weakly mumbled.
“And if we break up for some reason in the future, what happens to the snake? What if I have plans to travel or something? What if I want to spend a weekend with a friend? You expect me to place my life on hold because you wanted a snake?”
His eyebrows furrowed instantly. The snake’s tail shifted and brushed against his Adam’s apple. The temperature in the room dropped and so did your mood.
“Why would we break up?”
“I hope we never do, but you’re not thinking about the long-term commitment of that snake. So no, Changbin, I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed and sad for your newfound pet snake.”
You grabbed your plate, tugged a fork from the silverware drawer, and left him standing alone with the heavy feeling of regret and the coolness of snake skin slithering against the back of his neck.
~ ~ ~
Snakes have been a fear of yours since forever. Maybe it was because of all the horror movies based on giant snakes or perhaps it was because you couldn’t stand the texture of their skin. Cold-blooded, dark eyes, unwelcoming, and freaky, you didn’t like the idea of having a snake in your house.
At night, you tossed and turned. Changbin’s body heat didn’t provide the luxury of comfort anymore. Your dreams seeped into nightmares and in each one, snakes slithered around your feet and coiled around your body. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t scream, and the last thing you could remember happened to be the fiery flames of your lungs burning from the lack of air.
You’d shoot up in your shared bed, kicking at the blankets and gasping for air. Changbin remained unaware beside you, dark eyelashes kissing the top of his cheeks, mouth partly opened, and drool dribbling down the side of his chin. At one point, you would have found it cute, but not when your heart rate was spiked like this.
When nightmares occurred, you’d usually find comfort among the living room couch. Curled in faux fur and swaddled like a newborn baby, you’d find comfort by sinking into the arm and nuzzling yourself back into another round of sleep. That didn’t happen anymore.
Instead, you were terrified that you’d walk into the living room and find a defensive snake waiting for you. Teeth dripping with venom, an open mouth, and a muscular neck tense and ready to pounce. You feared constriction and suffocation, as if your nightmares were omens instead of bad dreams.
The relationship between you and Changbin wasn’t the same as it once had been. You were stressed and he felt guilty. Despite that guilt, he couldn’t just take the snake back to the reptile expo. It was only a few days and then it packed up and moved on. The guy who he bought the snake from, he didn’t know his full name or where he lived.
Besides, you could be as mad as you wanted to be, but he didn’t want to give the snake back. He liked handling the Ball Python and he’d even given it a name. Bansuk wasn’t just a pet, he felt like his actual son. Between doing his own research and listening to what the guy at the reptile expo said, he’d figured out a solid feeding schedule for the snake, the perfect substrate for the bottom of the tank, where to place the heating lamp, the correct lightbulb for it, habitat specifications, etc. Despite your displeasure, he started to love that snake.
The tension between the two of you stayed, but he didn’t apologize for purchasing the snake. When he purchased it, he’d been hoping you’d understand why he did. Maybe it was a bit of an impulsive purchase, but he had the funds to take care of this snake. He’d always wanted some type of pet.
Minho gushed about his cats and Hyunjin, Jisung, and Chan had their dogs. He might have been allergic to certain things, but he wanted to have a pet too. He’d turned the empty spare bedroom into Bansuk’s playroom. On days he struggled with deciding lyrics, he’d let Bansuk out of his tank and plop down on the floor in a bean bag. While Bansuk slithered around the tile floor, he’d get lost in the musical empire of his head.
Deep down, he believed you’d understand it one day. Maybe you’d learn Bansuk wasn’t that bad. He’d slither around the room and lay over Changbin’s lap, soaking up his body heat. When he curled into a ball and settled along his thighs, Changbin’s thumb would stroke his scales while he held his phone in his other hand. Notes app open, lyrics half-written, he’d get lost in his own thoughts.
You’d never come into the room. You refused to even look at the snake. An unspoken rule existed between you and Changbin, you didn’t want to see the snake. Changbin left it in the room, although he secretly wished to introduce you to Bansuk. He’d already shown the snake photos of you.
“They’re not ready yet,” he whispered to Bansuk one day. “Maybe one day, but not yet. I hope you’ll love them as much as I do.”
Bansuk slithered over Changbin’s palm. His tongue darted out and flicked over his thumb. He shifted and squirmed, listening to his owner describe you and all the reasons why he fell in love with you. Despite the tension, Changbin’s love didn’t fade. He really did believe you’d come around.
You swore you never would internally, but in some cases, the hand gets forced.
~ ~ ~
The apartment was too quiet without Changbin. When you came home from work, it was the first thing you noticed. You missed his theatrics and the familiar sound of his voice. Before the two of you parted ways this morning, he mentioned he had to work on lyrics for another song. Something he was working on writing with Minho. You didn’t know what the song was about, but you were certain it’d be good.
In your bedroom, you tugged open one of the lower dresser drawers and flipped between pajama pants. “Plaid or polka dots? Plaid or polka dots? Hm.” You tugged both options up and glanced back and forth between the two of them. “What would Changbin say?” You wondered out loud.
After a bit of consideration, you tugged out the green and black plaid pajama pants and replaced the polka dots for another day. Humming softly to yourself, you found the rest of your outfit and headed into the bathroom. This morning you’d taken a shower and you really didn’t need another one, but your muscles could use the relaxation of a warm bath. It’d been a long day and you were ready for a break.
In the bathroom, you dropped a fresh white towel over the nearby metal rack and stripped yourself free of the day’s clothes. With your phone on the edge of the sink, you pulled up one of your favorite playlists and let the songs fill the bathroom. Warm water on full blast, the scent of your favorite bubble bath, and finally, the one thing you’d been looking forward to the entire day.
In the tub, you sank back beneath the water and sighed in relief. Every muscle eased beneath the warm water. The tension dissolved, your shoulders loosened, and you stopped clenching your jaw. Foamy bubbles frothed and curled over your bare legs. Humming along to the song, your eyes fluttered shut.
Too wrapped up in your own little world, you didn’t see the moving shadow slithering along the floor. After Changbin forgot to pull the top of Bansuk’s tank shut after a feeding session, he’d been roaming free all day. He never shut the door to the guest room where Bansuk stayed. You never bothered to check that room, you trusted Changbin to keep Bansuk enclosed where he belonged.
Out of the darkness and towards the sound of music and roaring water, over the cool tiles, Bansuk slithered. With his body curled up beneath the last shelf, you didn’t notice he was in the closet when you grabbed your towel. Surely, Bansuk knew the voice of his father, so when 3Racha’s 3Racha song started blasting, he came out to receive some attention.
“My boys spittin’ facts, they locked and loaded! BAH! BAH! BAH!” You kicked a foot up at the sound of Chan’s voice blaring from your phone and wiggled your toes beneath the warm water.
At the sound of splashing, Bansuk lifted his body upright. He stared at your distant figure for a few moments and flicked out his forked tongue. The faintest hiss appeared, but you didn’t hear it over the sound of the water and music. You scooped up a handful of bubbles and used your fist as an imaginary microphone as you continued your performance.
He stared at you, as if waiting for you to notice him, but you didn’t. While you continued your encore on an imaginary stage, he kept his upper body upright and moved closer. The lyrics continued passionately pouring off your lips, but they faded when you caught movement out of the corner of your eye. Your head jerked to the side and for a few moments, the two of you stared at each other without moving.
Bansuk’s body spread out behind him, leading all the way back to the distant sink. When he hung over Changbin’s shoulders, you really didn’t notice just how big he was until now. Until now, when his pointed head shifted and he began to move closer.
You shrieked at the top of your lungs, lifted an arm, and shoved the top half of the glass shower door shut. Shrieking, splashing, and screaming at the top of your lungs, your words never reached Changbin. He was a handful of miles away and unaware of the horror you were dealing with. Eyes wide and terror ripping through your body, you couldn’t breathe.
Bansuk didn’t react to your fear. Instead, he shifted closer and observed you in your newfound enclosure. His tongue poked out, hitting the condensed glass. The water’s warmth steamed the bathroom, like a fresh baked dumpling. Despite that, you didn’t feel warm and relaxed anymore. Behind the glass, you froze in your spot.
Foamy bubbles speckled the glass and dripped down. In your panic, you’d splashed water and suds all over the glass. If this was a nightmare, it was one you couldn’t wake up from. The sliding shower door protected you from the snake, but it couldn’t help you fully. You didn’t know when Changbin would be back home. Your phone was all the way over against the sink. The only thing between you and safety was a snake that had grown over a meter long.
“Nice snake,” you uttered in a shaky voice. “You’re a nice snake. Changbin said your previous owner said you don’t bite. Please don’t bite me, I don’t taste good. I probably taste like…” You trailed off and glanced around at your naked body. “Soap and soap doesn’t taste good.”
Bansuk didn’t see you as a threat, but you didn’t realize that. His curiosity overpowered everything. Changbin would have let you know, but he’d been keeping the conversation about his newfound pet to a minimum, considering you’d been so upset about him getting Bansuk to begin with.
You didn’t appreciate the frozen rodents that now lived in your freezer, so Bansuk could have proper food. You made sure you were always tucked away in the bedroom when Changbin went through Bansuk’s feeding process. While his members came over to watch for their own fascination and interest, it gave you the heebie-jeebies.
“I’m gonna die,” you whispered to yourself. “He’s going to find a way in and I’m going to die. He’s gonna eat me and Changbin will come home to find the outline of my body in the snake’s stomach.”
Bansuk didn’t have the power to eat you whole, but fledged in your fear, you believed death was knocking on your door; or in this case, slithering.
“If you eat me, Changbin will never forgive you. You can’t eat me, I’m the love of his life. I–”
Bansuk moved and pressed his face against the glass, trying to see the outline and shape of your body. Snakes can’t see every little detail, but he could tell you were another human. The vibration of your voice, the outlines of your movement, everything screamed another person and Bansuk loved people.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry for threatening you!” You jerked back in the tub, whacking your head against the back wall. With a wince, you squeezed your eyes shut.
Wherever Changbin was, you hoped he’d be home soon.
~ ~ ~
“Do you guys want food?” Jisung asked. He laid on the recording studio’s couch and scrolled through his phone. “I’m starving and Minho and I haven’t shopped for groceries yet.”
“Mh, speak for yourself. I woke up early and shopped for the few items I needed.” Minho responded from the opposite side of the couch.
Betrayal flashed across Jisung’s face. “But we were going to go together! How could you go without me?”
“I told you yesterday I wanted to go shopping and you said you had other things to do.”
“I wanted to binge watch my favorite show.”
“Is shopping for food not important to you?”
“It was my day off!”
As they bickered, Chan leaned back in his seat and stretched his arms above his head. His mouth widened in an open yawn and his fingers flexed. Something along his spine decompressed and popped. He wiggled his head to the left and right before glancing over at Changbin.
Beside him, Changbin typed furiously on his phone screen. Chan slumped back in his chair. “Bin, are you still writing lyrics?”
“The last of them, yeah.”
“You want food?”
“Sure.”
“Specifics?”
He grunted and shrugged. “Whatever sounds best.”
“Whatever sounds best,” Chan repeated. He clicked his tongue and hummed in thought before spinning around to face the bickering roommates behind him. “Okay,” he raised his voice. “What are we getting? What are we ordering? I’ll pay.”
Changbin continued working on his lyrics, unaware that anything was amiss.
~ ~ ~
“You can totally do this,” you hyped yourself up.
Now standing in the tub drained of water, you propped one foot near the ledge of the tub. If you could stand up, move to the toilet, and grab your phone from the sink, you could call Changbin and this mess would be over. A toilet, a sink, your phone, and then you could call for help.
You eyed Bansuk, waiting for him to move, but he didn’t. Your movement only made him more curious. He sat outside the glass sliding door, waiting for you to move again. You cleared your throat in an attempt to sound stern.
“Bansuk, respectfully, I need you to stay here while I grab my phone. Please be a good snake. I want to grab my phone and then you can see Changbin. You can see Changbin and we’ll both forget this happened. You can see your father and I’ll go back to knowing peace.”
The faint hiss he let out sounded far from friendly. You swallowed nervously and sucked in a deep breath. A towel hung on a nearby rack, so you’d be able to dry your hands before grabbing your phone. If you dropped the phone, you didn’t know what you’d do.
You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to relax. “Nice snake,” you called out again. “Who is the best snake in all of South Korea? Bansuk is.” You slowly reached forward and slid open the glass sliding door a few inches. “Who is the best snake? Bansuk is.” You kept your voice light and playful as you reached out and wiped your hands on a soft towel.
Bansuk didn’t move right away. With dry hands, you hesitated before slowly pushing yourself up on the tub’s ledge. You continued cooing at the snake, trying to keep it calm while you moved. A slippery foot found the rim of the toilet. Not the most sanitary movement, but what else could you do? No way you were stepping a foot on the floor. You saw the way Bansuk hung over Changbin’s shoulders and curled around him. You didn’t know what would happen if the snake curled around your leg and tightened its grip.
Out of the tub and beside the snake, you kept your balance while leaning over towards the sink. Closer and closer you moved to gripping your phone. Stray Kids songs stopped playing at some point. Spotify might have paused itself or maybe your phone sensed the dangerous situation you found yourself in and it shut up by the power of god. Either way, you were grateful for being able to keep your focus on the snake and not your boyfriend’s rapping.
Just as your fingers locked around the edge of the phone, Bansuk let out a loud hiss. His head jerked in your direction and you panicked. A foot slipped off the edge of the toilet rim and into the water below. Your grip tightened and you jerked yourself backwards. Water splattering, arms flailing, you threw yourself back through the glass sliding door and slammed it shut, but not before sliding on the slippery floor and dropping back to the bottom of the wet tub.
Bansuk won this round.
~ ~ ~
Changbin wiped his lips with a napkin and dug his chopsticks back into his shrimp fried rice. He ignored the rice and veggies and tugged up a large piece of golden brown shrimp. “This is one of the biggest pieces of shrimp I’ve ever seen in shrimp fried rice.”
“I told you the place was good,” Jisung reminded him. “The family running the place moved in two months ago and they already have four stars on their review page.”
All four members sat facing each other in the studio and consumed their takeout. Jisung recommended the place from just a few streets away. He sat criss-cross on the couch with his shoes on the floor. Curled up and pressed against the arm of the couch, he found himself at peace.
Minho slurped a lo-mein noodle into his own mouth. “If I would have known it tasted this good, I would have ordered from them weeks ago. I should have got two of these and skipped the egg rolls.”
“Skipped the egg rolls?” Bang Chan’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Yeah, the lo-mein is good, but the egg rolls are the best part of the meal!”
“Hey, speaking of noodles,” Jisung spoke your name and turned his attention to Changbin. “How is Bansuk and your partner? Have they warmed up to him yet?”
“Not yet, but I’m hoping soon. I didn’t mean to cause tension between us. I thought taking care of a pet together would bring us closer together.”
“I’d be pissed too if Jisung brought home a giant snake,” Minho said.
“And yet you were fine with me purchasing a lizard.”
“A small lizard and a giant snake are two different things, Hannie.”
“I know Bansuk is bigger than one would expect, but he’s sweet. Every time I hint around at trying to introduce the two of them, I get the cold shoulder. I know they’d like Bansuk if they’d just agree to meet him. They don’t even have to touch him and I would happily do the introductions.”
Chan placed his carton of noodles down and reached for his own napkin. “I’m sure they’ll come around soon. How could they stay mad at you? I doubt they’ll be mad forever.”
“Easy for you to say.”
Little did Changbin know, his phone blew up with text messages, missed calls, and voice messages from you. With his phone face down on the table behind him, he didn’t realize you were trying to contact him. He’d silenced his phone when he was writing lyrics and he never turned the sound back on.
Your panicked voice memos went unheard as him and his friends consumed their dinner together. Minutes ticked by and Changbin still didn’t look at his phone. The conversation jumped from his snake to Jisung’s newfound lizard and back to the music they were creating. On and on the conversations went.
By the time Changbin realized he should text you and let you know he was on his way back, you’d been stuck in your predicament for quite a while.
Minho and Jisung were gathering up their trash when Changbin’s voice sounded worried. “Oh, shit.”
The two paused and Chan glanced up from his own phone. “What? Is everything okay? Did you forget something?”
He didn’t respond as he scrolled through your frantic text messages.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANSWER YOUR PHONE!
CHANGBIN PLEASE!
SOS! EMERGENCY!
HELLO? WHERE ARE YOU!?! PLEASE HURRY! YOUR SNAKE IS ABOUT TO EAT ME!
He pressed play on one of your frantic voice memos and the others followed.
“Changbin, where are you? Bansuk got out of his enclosure and I’m trapped in the bathtub. He keeps hissing and he’s freaking me out! Please come home! Where are you? You’re worrying me.”
“Please, it’s been almost forty-five minutes. I’m naked and I’m cold and there is a humongous snake staring me down. Are you ignoring me? I’m sorry for not wanting to meet your snake. I’m so sorry, please come home.”
“CHANGBIN! NOT TO CAUSE A PANIC OR ANYTHING, BUT YOUR SNAKE IS TRYING TO CLIMB UP THE GLASS SLIDING DOOR OF THE TUB AND EAT ME! HELP ME! PLEASE!”
Nobody spoke right away. Changbin quickly called your number, but you didn’t pick up. He called again and again and again as he scrambled to pick up his trash. Before he could make it far, Chan tugged his empty carton of food from his hand. “You should go. Do you want us to come with you?”
“I must have forgotten to secure the lid after I fed him this morning. Oh god, they’re going to kill me. I have to go right now.”
“I’m sure they’re okay,” Minho added. “You said he doesn’t bite, right?”
“He shouldn’t, but if they’re panicking and he gets startled…” He trailed off.
“Damn, that’d suck.”
Minho reached over and whacked Jisung across the back of the head and shot him a glare. Chan scooped up the trash and dropped everything in a nearby trash can. The scent of Chinese food continued to linger throughout the studio. Changbin grabbed his bag and tossed it over his arm.
“Thanks for the food. If I need backup, I’ll call one of you. Everything should be fine, I’ll continue trying to get a hold of them.” He rushed to the door and yanked it open.
It slowly shut behind him, leaving the three other guys sharing matching looks of concern and Jisung rubbing the newfound sore spot on the back of his scalp.
~ ~ ~
Changbin’s fingers didn’t work right away. His keys slipped in his hand and dropped down onto the cement porch. He scooped them up and quickly shoved the right key into the correct place. The moment the door opened, he called your name in a panic. He didn’t bother kicking off his tennis shoes and rushed deeper into the house.
Faint murmurs sounded from the living room. His heart slammed against his chest, threatening to stop at any moment. “Babe?” His voice rose as he moved closer to the living room.
“We’re in here!”
He froze in the entrance of the living room. Inside the extended room, you sat with your right ankle propped up on a pillow with a bag of frozen mixed veggies laying on it. A dewy sheet mask had been neatly placed over your face. In your lap, Bansuk’s body curled over your thighs. His head propped up against your shoulder. He shifted his neck when he heard Changbin’s voice.
“That’s your dad, isn’t it?” You cooed softly.
Changbin blinked and rubbed his eyes. Had he woken up in an alternative universe? This looked nothing like the situation he mentally prepared himself to walk into. He yanked the navy baseball cap from his head and slowly lowered his bag to the floor. “What is going on?”
“Well, I was freaking out in the bathroom earlier. Bansuk got out of his tank. I was trapped in the tub, but then I got cold. I twisted my ankle and fell into the toilet trying to get my phone to contact you. I was in the middle of taking a bath and it was a whole thing.” You waved a hand, as if none of that mattered now.
“And you’re suddenly friends with my snake?”
“Our snake,” you corrected him. “My ankle was hurting in the shower and I could barely stand on it. I had to bite the bullet and escape the tub. It was a whole thing, but I made it. You were right, he didn’t bite me. Actually, he followed me around the house when I hobbled around with my injured ankle.”
“And other than that, you’re okay?”
You nodded and leaned your head back against the stuffed couch cushion. “Yeah. My ankle hurts more than anything, but Bansuk is keeping me company. He’s not evil like I thought he was. By the way, I found a piece of snake skin on his face. He kept rubbing his face around different things trying to get it off.”
“It’s probably a piece of shedding that might not be ready to come off yet.”
“It’s only a super small piece. I added the tiniest dab of coconut oil after googling how to help with it, but it was a little bit and only on the skin he couldn’t get off. The two of us are now both having a spa day. He’s keeping me cozy.”
Changbin stood for a few more seconds and blinked. It was hard to believe you were getting along with the snake you’d seemed so terrified of on the phone. He cautiously walked closer to the two of you. Bansuk’s scales brushed against your neck. He moved his head in the direction of Changbin’s form.
“Hi, Bansuk.” He reached out a hand and lightly brushed two fingers over the top of his head. Bansuk instantly pushed his head up higher to be touched more. “It seems like you’ve had quite the adventure today. I’m sorry, babe. I thought I secured his lid this morning.”
“It’s okay. I thought snakes only hissed when they were angry.”
“They can hiss for a multitude of reasons. The guy who previously owned Bansuk, he said that Bansuk hisses more than other snakes he’s owned. I think it’s more like he’s trying to communicate things he can’t vocalize.”
“You should have told me, it scared me earlier.”
“Told you? About the snake’s traits that you didn’t want to hear about?”
You pressed your lips together and refused to admit you were in the wrong. “Things are different now. Anyway, so I was thinking, can we leave him out for a bit in the evenings to explore? This is his house too.”
Changbin’s jaw dropped. “You want to– Huh?”
“It’s our son. How can we let him stay in the tank all day? It’s probably boring and lonely there. Please? He can hang out with us when we watch movies.”
“Maybe if we snake proof the place. Who are you and what have you done with–”
“I’m still me.” You reached up and let your fingers glide down Bansuk’s back.
“I just didn’t realize that Bansuk is almost like a puppy, just colder, in a different shape, and he hisses instead of barks. Look at that noodle face, how can you say no?”
“Does this mean you like Bansuk now?”
“I bet he likes me more than you.”
“What?” Changbin’s voice grew louder. He pulled back from the snake and frantically shook his head. “No way! I was his father before you considered stepping up to be the other parent.”
“Yet he’s on my lap and he’s been here for almost an hour. Bansuk watched over me after I twisted my ankle and where were you?”
Changbin turned around, trying to avoid letting you see his red cheeks. “I was eating dinner with the guys after we finished working. I forgot to turn my phone off silent mode.”
“And you didn’t even bring me any?”
“To be fair, Chan paid for it. I can order something for you. You just stay there and enjoy Bansuk’s company.” He kicked off his shoes and grabbed them to take them back to the shoe holder. As he did, his phone vibrated with a new text in the group chat from Chan.
“Changbin, is everything good over there? We’re still worried.”
Before he ordered you food, he leaned around the living room corner and took a photograph of you sitting eye-to-eye with Bansuk staring at your face. His forked-tongue poked out and brushed against a piece of your nose the face mask didn’t cover. Instead of screaming or panicking, you fell into a fit of laughter at the tickling sensation. Changbin snapped the photo and sent it to the group chat.
He didn’t know the specifics of what happened while he was at the studio, but it seemed like Bansuk charmed you in the exact same way he’d charmed Changbin at the reptile expo weeks ago.
Like father, like son, the apple never seems to fall far from the tree.
Hi Lie!!!! I just thought of an extremely random idea while I was at work because I embarrassed myself in front of a very cute customer (this is not a request, I’m just curious if this is something other people would enjoy).
So…
What if there was a oneshot that followed the perspective of a grocery cashier who’s very friendly and a sexy/reserved customer keeps coming through their lane whenever they get groceries? First time is an accident, but they keep coming again and again so a pattern starts to develop…
This would definitely be SKZ related but which member could you see ending up in this situation?
Love you lots!
Hi!! That's the worst when it happens. Part of working anywhere with customers comes with a side of embarrassing yourself at some point. Funny that you mention grocery store vibes because the new one-shot I'm working on takes place during the night shift at a grocery store.
I think it'd probably be the members who are more extroverted. It takes a lot of energy to keep up the friendly facade, especially when you have a shitty day at work. My brain instantly goes to Felix because I've noticed that Felix seems to view the world as his playground. Even if he's nervous, especially at fashion shows, he always seems to have the courage to talk to the people around him and make conversation.
When customers are regularly coming in, if they're kind, it's easy to build rapport. I think Felix would have the easiest time working in retail because of his personality. Each of the members have different vibes/personalities. Some might not notice, some might not care, and some only might care if they develop a crush.
Overall, I imagine it depends on the vibe/day/customer vibes. Regardless, I'm glad the members are singers/dancers and not retail workers. If I walked into my local grocery store and ended up being checked out by Bang Chan, I think I'd be unable to form words properly.
Try not to beat yourself up too much about embarrassing yourself. When I worked in retail, I embarrassed myself far more than the average person. My favorite retail embarrassment story is when I accidentally knocked a cardboard box of glass jam jars off the shelf. They shattered everywhere in a busy aisle and everyone turned to look at me. Humiliating.
I have so many retail embarrassment stories. From dropping and busting open a gallon of milk and soaking the floor, accidentally puncturing a can of coke and getting sprayed with it, sticking fingers in rotten vegetables, and ending up spending a partial shift wearing the sticky liquid of chocolate protein shakes, it's certainly not a job for the weak.
The best part about embarrassment? Usually whatever you did will be forgotten about within a week or two by most people. I'm sure your cute customer will forget whatever you did. Embarrassing thoughts can't be embarrassing if you brush them off and remind yourself that accidents/mistakes happen to everyone <3
why is previous anon acting shocked? hasn't anyone read taste? the things changbin was doing in that story has me hot and bothered to this day. lie has been a freak and ogs know it. we love you lie! <3 <3 <3
And just when I think I forget about that story, it comes back to haunt me. I still cannot believe people like it that much. Out of all my full-length stories, I'm shocked that it's that one. Maybe one day, I'll have to rewrite another full-length Changbin fic. Thank you for being an og, it's much appreciated <3
So idk how to word this... umm... ik I asked you if I could be 🎀 anon and went on to never interact with you and I genuinely apologise for it. I actually forgot for a great amount of time that I followed you 🙃
These past months have been really tiresome and as much as I hate to say this, I am going to be really really inactive on tumblr. I might even end up deleting my account.
I just wanted to let you know this so that you can clear out the position of 🎀anon for anyone else to take it.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
I hope you take care of yourself and live a long and happy life. I hope you and your family stays healthy and you get whatever you dream of and work hard for.
Good bye.
~ 🎀
I do remember that. Please don't worry about it. Not everyone is glued to their Tumblr page, so I completely understand. You have to do what's best for you and if you barely use Tumblr, there's no point in keeping it. Regardless, thank you for sticking around while it lasted and letting me know. If you ever come back, you'll always know where to find me <3
UR ALIVE!!!!!!!! girl I follow u on insta and I was scrolling thru reels and did u know people can see the reels u liked? U like a lotta channie edits.... like a lot a lot like every edit I went to like was already liked by u.....I didn't know u were a freak like me eheeheeheehe.
😼😽😹😸
I'm alive. Uh... can an artist not have a muse? Listen, there are a lot of great edits out there and I'm merely admiring the art. "Hit you like a truck, I'ma make you fly" or whatever Chan said in Chk Chk Boom, I think. So um... ignore that and pretend you didn't see it!! <3
You're caught off guard when you find out a video of your best friend's assault is blowing up in the media. Meanwhile, Dr. Lee opens up about his reasoning for pursuing his specialty.
Episode 11
Episode Log
Malignant Hyperthermia is a rare life-threatening disorder caused by gene mutations. When certain general anesthetics are introduced to the body, mainly during surgery, the body can have a negative reaction. Most people who have the mutation, they have abnormal proteins located in the body’s cell muscles. During the reaction, the release of calcium in the muscles multiplies.
Every muscle in the patient’s body goes rigid and the patient lays on the table unconscious. The usual breathing tube supplying oxygen into the patient’s body can no longer pump oxygen into the lungs. The chest muscles seize against the lungs and refuse to budge. The machines keeping the patient breathing throughout surgery can no longer do their job.
The anesthesia is halted. Oxygen is pumped into the patient full blast, but calcium has taken control of the muscles. Carbon dioxide is building up within the body faster than oxygen can be brought in. Skeletal muscles shred and potassium is introduced to the blood stream.
The heart rate increases rapidly. A patient’s body temperature climbs too high and too fast. A cooling blanket is introduced. Cold fluids and ice packs, anything to cool the body down. When the blood gets too hot, it no longer produces oxygen within the blood stream.
Medication is given to cease the overbearing calcium production. The bladder is flushed with cool fluid to bring the body temperature back to normal. The entire surgical team will do whatever it takes to handle the situation, but it’s like attempting to put out a forest fire with a garden hose.
The patient can’t breathe. The muscle cells die so rapidly, the potassium output in the blood stream is too much. The organs can’t take the rising body temperature. It all goes wrong and even if they manage to do exactly what the medical textbooks say, a patient can still die. Not every patient can handle the distress of such a drastic event.
Potassium overdose, cardiac arrest, organ failure, lack of oxygen, and overheating can cause the body to give out once it starts. Panic overtakes the surgical team and then rationality cuts through. Staff can spend minutes doing everything right, yet death remains imminent for some.
It’s not easy to tell a family when surgery goes wrong. It’s even worse to sit down with a family and inform them their loved one didn’t make it off the operating table. When Misul Jang found out his wife wouldn’t be coming home from the hospital, ice water seeped through his own veins. The surgeon was still in his hair cap. Navy blue fabric dotted with printed sail boats covered the doctor’s buzzed head. He spoke professionally, verbally retracing what went wrong, and informing his patient’s husband as gently as he could.
“Why didn’t you try harder?”
The words became a slap across the doctor’s face. He bit down on his tongue, holding back the sharp verbal lashing he wanted to give the man. Instead, he sucked in a slow breath and explained what went wrong. He avoided the doctor lingo and gave it to him straight.
“We did everything we could to save her life. Mr. Jang, I’m sorry for your loss. If you need anything–”
“Get out! Just get out! You’ve done enough!”
As Misul turned red in the face, the doctor raised his hands and eased back. He didn’t want conflict and he certainly didn’t want to deal with a broken nose or a black eye. Instead, he announced he’d give him some time alone. If he wanted to see his wife, he could see her in a few minutes. He spun around and left without another word.
Misul Jang stood with his curled fists shaking. His bottom lip quivered and with hot tears stubbornly refusing to fall, he vowed revenge. This wasn’t fair. His wife came to Valentina to receive help and they killed her. They’d all pay for this, he swore they would.
Twenty-two years of marriage gone within a blink of an eye. His blood pooled together and deepened into an inky black. It couldn’t end like this. He’d sent her off with a forehead kiss and a hand squeeze. She cracked a joke on the way out of the room with the same damn smile he’d woken up next to for the past twenty-two years.
They’d joked about dying before, but they still had years left. They were certain they’d still had time. Yes, their bodies were changing, but they were only in their fifties. If they lived until their eighties, they’d have another thirty years, at least. Another thirty years of wedding anniversaries and vacations. More sunrises and evening porch swing sessions.
Another thirty years of bickering over the way laundry should be sorted. She’d get mad because he’d wait until the last minute to do things. She was a planner and he was a procrastinator. Their love story was their favorite and it’d ended in a flash over a minor surgery.
People passed kidney stones all the time. When Suhwi’s kidney stone didn’t pass, surgery was the best option. It was a common operation, minimally invasive, and a nurse even commented about the surgery, saying most patients would usually go home the same day it occurred. A few hours of observation and that was it.
That never happened.
Her blood boiled. Organs screamed beneath the deadly temperatures, her heart worked overtime trying to cycle blood through her body, but it’d stopped. She used to say she was strong enough to do anything. It caused him to roll his eyes and grumble. His pride always took a hit when she did things on her own that he could have helped with.
Slumped against the back wall, Misul shoved his hands into his eye sockets. He rubbed until colors morphed and collided. These hands would never feel the warmth of her body again. He couldn’t remember the joke she cracked on the way out of the hospital room. She said she’d be back soon, but little did she know, she wouldn’t be coming back.
He jerked around with a yell and slammed the side of his slip-on shoe against the white wall. It bounced off, sending the shoe sailing to the left. The wall remained whole, but his heart tore apart in his chest. This wasn’t how their love story was supposed to end.
He’d make sure the world never forgot what happened to his wife, no matter what it took.
It was impossible to keep the smile off your face. Tiny hearts unmistakably pumped blood throughout tiny squirming bodies. With each hospital room you entered, your mood soared. Chatty parents, sleepy parents, those who were uncertain about newfound parenthood, you spoke with them all. Giving constant reassurance, answering questions about motherhood, vitals, pain locations, and any other question that they’d ask, you finally felt like you were managing the maternity ward with ease.
Dr. Lee wasn’t like the other doctors you’d encountered so far. He trusted you to navigate the ward on your own and ask for assistance from the residents if necessary. Your list of tasks grew day-by-day. The PEP meds were nearing their end and by this point, you didn’t mind the nausea. Miss Sue finally shared the recipe to her tea and gave you tea bags to take home. Most evenings weren’t filled with vomiting anymore.
You bumped open the bathroom door with your hip. Panels of fluorescent lights speckled the plaster ceiling. You’d been holding your bladder for the past twenty minutes. The previous bathroom break was interrupted by a patient frantically waving you down. Her daughter started to turn red in the face. Scrunched nose, shut eyes, and coughs burst through her frail lungs.
Babies can choke like everyone else. After suckling too much milk too fast, something went down the wrong pipe. It took a brief check of the airway and a minor adjustment to holding the baby before the mother could relax.
“It’s alright,” you reassured her. “Some babies drink too fast, we’ll let her cough it out. Her body is naturally expelling excess milk.”
You watched the baby’s scrunching face. Red cheeks calmed to pink and the frantic coughing eased within a few seconds. Once it stopped, you gently handed her back to her mom. “If you want to hold her, I can listen to her lungs to make sure everything is in check.”
The mother’s worried eyes didn’t leave yours. Chewing down nervously on her lips, her fingers shook. She curled her arms around the baby, clutching her to her chest. You carefully tugged down the white onesie the baby wore. A whimper escaped her thin lips as you pressed the cold metal stethoscope against her chest.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Give me a few seconds and I’ll make it stop. Doctors are evil, aren’t they? I’ve heard it before.”
A weak smile fell across the mother’s face. Your light joking eased her stress, but it didn’t wash away completely until you announced the baby’s lungs sounded fine. She wasn’t aspirating and there weren’t any wheezes or foreign noises. As you pulled the stethoscope away, you gently booped the baby’s nose.
“Just a bit of a choking scare, but still cute as a button and given a clean bill of health.”
“Can you check me over? I think I experienced my first heart attack.”
“If it’d give you some peace of mind, I can.” You placed a gentle hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Let’s get you back to your room and back in bed.”
After making sure both patients were cleared, you rushed to the bathroom. The pressure on your bladder dissolved within seconds. As you scrubbed your hands beneath the stream of warm water, suds soaked your hands. The antibacterial soap smelled sharp and chemically, but you’d grown used to the scent. The hospital didn’t smell sterile anymore. You’d been here long enough to go nose blind to the scent.
You wiped your hands dry with two paper towels and ventured back outside. The iPad you placed down waited for you at the nursing station. You’d left it under the watchful eye of a nearby nurse. It was one of the things you were silently grateful for. As long as there wasn’t an emergency and the ward wasn’t as chaotic, you were free to use the bathroom when you needed to.
Walking through the fluorescent hall, your quick pace slowed upon approaching the two residents. Tucked in their white coats, Hyunchae leaned over Jaewon’s phone. Days prior, Hyunchae made it clear she disliked Jaewon, but as you observed the way she curled over her shoulder, you started to wonder. Jaewon’s head shook and her high ponytail fluttered with the movement.
“That poor, poor woman. I bet she’s traumatized after this whole ordeal. Gosh, can you imagine?” Her hand reached up and clutched the chest of her pink scrubs. “That has to be impossible to recover from.”
“Where did you get this video?”
“The news. I get notifications on my phone and I was on break when I got it. This is awful, I can barely stomach it. Do you think Dr. Lee will let me take another ten minute break?”
“You’re kidding, right?” Hyunchae scoffed and stepped back. “We’re doctors. We’ve been in the emergency room before.”
“Speak for yourself! I saw a lot of things, but never something this grotesque. Pregnancy and stabbings are two different things.”
“Uh, excuse me?” You cleared your throat and stepped towards the pair. “Sorry to interrupt, but I finished–”
“Hey!” Jaewon shoved her phone into your face. “Did you see this? The sexy lawyer the hospital uses, his wife got stabbed recently. Did you see the video? It’s graphic.”
You didn’t respond as you stared at the frozen image on her phone. The video was paused, but you easily recognized the entrance to Kanon and Ruhan’s household. White marble flooring laced with blood. Kanon’s arms froze upright, defending herself against an unmasked man. The sharp point of a butcher’s knife reflected sunlight and dripped scarlet.
She stood frozen in time against the wide open arch. Buttercream walls splattered with her blood. Eyes wide and full of fear, you felt yourself transferred back to that morning. The terror rushed through your veins and bile climbed your throat. Kanon looked lifeless when paramedics pulled her stretcher from the back of the ambulance. Blood soaked her shirt and smeared along her arms. When you saw her, you nearly dropped dead yourself.
“What is that?” Your voice came out icy. “What is that and how did you get it?”
“The media released it,” Jaewon repeated. “It’s on–”
The rest of her words didn’t make sense. Her lips moved, but you couldn’t register what she said. Time morphed and for a brief few seconds, you were running through Kanon’s house once more, desperate to find her daughter. Cops yelled at you to stop, but it’d only fueled your distress.
The bright hall tipped and morphed. A nearby nurse hurried past on their way to go somewhere. They defied gravity and tipped to the side. Dizziness spun around you and everything swirled. Why would this be released to the public and more importantly, did Kanon and her husband know?
Hyunchae noticed your parlor before Jaewon did. She reached out an arm and placed a stable hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay? Wait, do you know this woman? You look green.”
She snapped you out of it. Air rushed into your lungs again. You could hear her words perfectly, but it didn’t ease the rubber band tightening around your heart. She wrapped an arm around your waist and led you away.
“Jaewon, put that away and go find something to do.”
“But–”
“Before Dr. Lee kills us both. Now as for you,” she turned her attention to you, “you look unwell. I can’t tell if it’s from the video or your PEP meds. Let’s get you to the break room to sit. Poor thing, you’re never getting cut any slack.”
It didn’t take long for you to be left in the break room. At the circular table you sat at a few days ago, Hyunchae left you there with a bottle of water. You insisted you’d be fine and talked her into going back out to the floor to assist. She didn’t want to leave you alone, but you had to take your break anyway. She promised to check on you, but you doubted she would. Her patients prioritized their health over you.
Once you were alone, you yanked out your phone and found Kanon’s number. Beneath the table, your leg bounced. “Come on,” you whispered beneath your breath. “Kanon, pick up your phone.”
“Yellow?” Kanon’s chirpy voice filled the line.
“Oh my god, you picked up.”
She chuckled and adjusted her grip on the phone. Back at her place, she shifted in the recliner she laid in. “Yeah, I’m not busy at the moment. Ruhan went to work, so I’m home with the baby. I put her down for her nap a few minutes ago.”
“That’s great. Have you heard anything recently? Have you been online? Kanon, I don’t want to alarm you, but–”
“Oh.” Her voice lost its happy chirp. “Did you find out about the video?”
“You mean the video of you being attacked? Yeah. Does Ruhan know?” Your voice came out frantically as you clutched the phone tighter. “Have you seen it? You shouldn’t be online right now, it’ll–”
“Stop,” Kanon uttered softly. “Please. I was going to call you and talk to you about this later. I know you’re working right now. The video was released on purpose. Ruhan and I discussed it. A copy had already been turned over to the cops. Ruhan sent a copy to multiple news agencies.”
“Why?”
“Because it’ll create public backlash. The case will be moved to court quicker. I want to go back to normal and act like none of this happened. I can’t do that knowing I have court dates to attend. It’s a tactic lawyers use to speed things along and place pressure on the law. Ruhan’s family business is one of the best around.”
“Oh.”
You kept the phone pressed against your ear and listened to Kanon’s soft breathing. No words fell from your lips. Nothing you could say made this better for her. It was one thing to be her best friend and watch this all go down. It was another to realize she was doing all this while taking care of a child that was only a few months old.
You didn’t understand what was happening until you heard a faint sniffle. “Kanon? Are you okay?”
“How could I possibly be okay? The guy who stabbed me lost his wife and now my husband is working overtime to make sure he’s behind bars. You know why he says he did it? He says he did it to regain justice for his wife.”
An invisible knife cut through your own heart. As she spoke, the words came out shrill and shaky. Tears prickled in your own eyes. You swallowed the lump in your throat and remained silent. Hurt oozed out of your best friend.
“She died during surgery for a kidney stone due to Malignant Hyperthermia. He tried to sue the hospital and Ruhan got the judge to throw the case out. They say the hospital did nothing wrong. I’ve spent the past few nights researching it. How can I be mad at him for attacking me? I’d be furious if Ruhan died that way.”
“Kanon…”
“It’s not fair!” Her voice raised. “None of it is fair! Did you know her funeral was the day before he attacked me? I found her Facebook page last night. They celebrated their wedding anniversary a month ago. They went to Europe and all these grand places and now she’s–” Her words cut off and fell into a sob.
Curled on the recliner with a phone pressed into an ear and a hand over her mouth, she did what she could to stifle the sobs. Yuwon slept upstairs with the baby monitor. If she woke up because of Kanon’s sobs, it’d only make everything worse. She doubted she’d have the ability to calm her daughter through the feelings dampening her mood. She swore she was handling everything well, but the scars littered her body.
A stranger’s grief had been painted across her body against her will. Slashes and jagged edges of red lines. Hospital staff worked hard to stitch her up, but it’d never erase the memories of being swaddled in her own blood. Warmth oozed out of her limbs, painting her body with a man’s sadness and rage. At once, she was angry, but that anger vanished and built into a bridge of her own grief. She stood stranded on it alone.
You stood on one side and Ruhan stood on another. Her mother curled her into her chest once the stitches were out. In her eyes, Kanon wasn’t an adult, she was still her baby. Every time her mother grabbed her and held her, Kanon always grumbled beneath her breath, complaining she was too old to be coddled. When her mother grabbed her last, it took everything within her not to fall apart.
Your eyes fluttered shut at Kanon’s sobs. You swallowed the lump in your own throat, letting her fall apart on the edge of the phone with you. Knowing Kanon, she probably insisted Ruhan needed to go back to work. He’d spent quite a while working from home, so he could be there with her. Judging from her unraveling, he wasn’t home.
Kanon was home alone in a house with her child, where the two of them nearly died a few weeks ago.
A door creaked open and you glanced up. Hyunchae peeked into the room around the corner of the door frame. She flashed you a lopsided smile. “How are you holding up?”
You stared at her for a moment and blinked. When you didn’t respond right away, her smile started to fade. You waved her closer and kept your phone against your ear. It was only when she was close enough to speak that you muted your microphone, so Kanon couldn’t hear what you were about to say.
“Do you have your phone?”
Hyunchae stepped closer and nodded. She reached back into her scrub pockets and took it out. An iPhone appeared with a simple clear case. It held a photo of Hyunchae and a young boy who looked exactly like her. You didn’t realize she had a child, but then again, the two of you barely knew each other.
“The Ito Family Law Firm, can you call them? There’ll be a receptionist that picks up. Tell them Ruhan Ito needs to go home now, it’s an emergency with his wife. Give the receptionist my name.”
Her eyes widened. “Wait, you know Ruhan Ito? The woman in that video, you know his wife?”
“There’s no time to explain.”
“Right, right.” She unlocked her phone and tapped at the google search bar to find their contact number. She stepped away from the table and walked to the other side of the room, leaving you on the phone with Kanon.
In your ear, Kanon’s muffled sobs continued falling. You finally unmuted the call and spoke again. “Kanon, I’m here. I’m not hanging up and I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here.”
If she’d hate you for contacting Ruhan, you could deal with it later. You couldn’t leave your job, but Ruhan could leave his. When you were at their house, Ruhan mentioned he’d only be doing office work for a while. Court dates were being handled by his family members. Until everything wrapped up with this case, he didn’t want to be unreachable in a court room.
Kanon told him it was a foolish choice, but you were grateful he’d made that tough decision.
“Thank you for having someone call me. I didn’t know, she kept saying she could handle it.” Ruhan shoved a hand through his hair and glanced back in the direction of the stairwell.
After someone called his office and mentioned his wife’s name and an emergency, he drove home as quickly as he could. Panic clutched his heart. It didn’t take him long to get home and find Kanon crying in the living room. He scooped her in his arms immediately. Her phone clattered to the floor. You stayed on the line and only hung up when you could clearly hear Ruhan speaking to her.
Unfortunately, you had to go back to work, but you sent Kanon a text message and told her you’d call back on your lunch hour. When you called, Ruhan answered her phone instead. He’d taken her up to their bedroom and stayed with her until she fell asleep.
“I didn’t know she was suffering so much mentally. She puts on such a brave face for Yuwon and I. I should have known it was a facade.”
“Kanon tends to handle rough things on her own. She probably thought this was one of those things too.”
Ruhan slumped back on the living room couch. The cold leather didn’t provide as much comfort as it once did. He placed Yuwon’s baby monitor on the side of the couch. Kanon kept insisting she had to stay awake through tears, Yuwon needed her mom. She didn’t fall asleep until Ruhan rubbed her back and reassured her that he’d manage taking care of her if she woke up.
A pause came between you and Ruhan. You slipped another grape into your mouth, pulled the phone away from your ear, and swallowed. Ruhan shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Kanon and him picked out this house, but as he wandered the halls earlier, he wondered just how much it was mentally toying with Kanon’s mindset. He was wandering the same area where she’d fought for her life.
Ruhan didn’t see the extent of the damage until he watched the security camera footage. The house had been laced with them for both of their peace of mind. He’d faced plenty of threats on the stand before and when it came to a newborn baby, he didn’t want to risk anything going wrong. Constant cameras rolling gave him peace. He could check in on Kanon and Yuwon straight from his phone during breaks at court. Everything was picture perfect until this madness started.
“Do you think…” He started and trailed off. “Do you think I should take her to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or something?”
You sucked in a sharp breath and shut your eyes. “That’s a decision I can’t make for you. It’s something you should talk to Kanon about.”
“But if she wasn’t your best friend, if she was your patient.”
“As her best friend, I think she’d find it helpful. If I were her doctor, I’d recommend it, yes. Physically, the stitches are out and you could say she’s healed, but the mental aspect is an entirely different story. Something traumatic happened that could easily induce nightmares, anxiety, increased stress, and other issues.”
Ruhan’s hand fell over his mouth. He dipped forward in his chair and regretted everything. This marriage was supposed to be a positive thing. He loved Kanon so much that when they discussed having children, he picked her up and spun her around. There was nothing he wanted more than to raise someone with their combined genetics and faces. A dream came true and now it morphed into a nightmare.
“Does the hospital have–”
“Yes, but you should talk to her about it before you decide anything,” you reminded him. “She might not want to, so you’ll have to give her time. You’re already doing the right thing, you’re being there for her.
“Ah, yeah.” He sighed and slumped back on the couch again. “I should have known that. I’ve worked so many cases for Valentina, it’s hard to keep everything straight right now.”
“Can’t blame you, it’s a big hospital. I’ve gotten lost in the main building only like twenty times.”
His laughter cut through the phone and caused you to smile. You didn’t have all the answers, but at least you could cheer him up. When the laughter faded, he thanked you yet again for your advice and calling him.
“It’s nothing, really. If the roles were reversed, I’d want someone to look out for me. Kanon has my number, so if you have any questions or anything, you can call or text me. My hours are wonky at the hospital, so I’ll try to contact you when I can.”
“Oh, shit. Pardon my language, I completely forgot you were–”
“It’s okay. Now I should finish my lunch and I imagine you haven’t had anything to eat either. I’m going to let you go, so you can find something.”
You talked to one another for about another minute before you ended the call. Your phone clattered to the table and you rubbed your palms into your eyes. “Does it ever end?” You mumbled to yourself.
“What? Life? Stress? Nope.”
You jerked your hands away to find Dr. Lee standing across from you. He dropped his tray onto the table, causing it to clatter. You’d barely seen him at the maternity ward this morning, but here he stood now in his pink scrubs with a tray of food. He pulled out one of the plastic chairs and sat down in front of you.
“I hope you don’t mind my grand appearance, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. It’s hard to speak in the ward. There’s always things needing to be taken care of. Is now a good time?” He stared at you with a blank face and blinked a few times.
“Uh, sure? I mean, I don’t see why not.” You gestured to the chair he’d pulled out. “Sit down and make yourself at home.”
“Good. I wasn’t going away until we spoke.”
He dropped his butt in the seat and scooted forward. His tray sat with a multitude of items. The scent of something spicy whisked in your direction. A ceramic bowl sat filled to the brim with a red stew sauce. Pockets of oil glistened among the smoke curled up and dissipated. He grabbed the pair of stainless steel chopsticks and pulled up a square piece of tofu.
You salivated and took your attention back to the pathetic TV dinner sitting in front of you. It’d been warmed up in the distant microwave. The beef bulgogi didn’t taste nearly as good when it came from a frozen package. You were consuming it, but it wasn’t the same.
Dr. Lee’s tray contained another small bowl of some sort of salad full of leafy greens and a glazed dressing. Another bowl contained a bunch of cherry tomatoes. You took your attention back to your pathetic meal and tried to ignore the scent that made your stomach grumble and crave something else.
He popped a cherry tomato into his mouth and savored the burst of flavor. As you took another bite of your food, silently praying for your stomach not to grumble at the sight of his food, he cracked open a can of Diet Pepsi. Carbonation fizzed, he rubbed his hands together, and swallowed the bite of food in his mouth.
Scattered around, multiple circular tables had been dressed with chairs. A little after one in the afternoon, some staff members were on their own lunch breaks. Everyone had rotating lunches, so departments could continue to run as per usual. One patient sat in a wheelchair up against a table. With people scattered around them, they tried to enjoy their meal and enjoy the temporary discharge from their hospital room.
“That’s all you’re eating?” Dr. Lee raised an eyebrow and pointed his chopsticks at the singular plastic bowl in front of you. “Nothing else?”
Thin slices of marinated beef curled over white rice. You had accidentally cooked it for too long, so the rice wasn’t as fluffy as it should have been. Shredded carrots, onions, scallions, and ginger seasoned the top. You’d done more picking at the ingredients than consuming them. Instead of warmth, each bite grew half-cold and turned into an uncomfortable mushy concoction.
“Yeah, I’m on those PEP meds for two more days. The nausea still hits randomly.
“Ah. Good thing you’re almost finished with them.”
“Mhm.”
“I wanted to ask how you like the maternity ward so far. Every intern has different thoughts and opinions on it. How are you handling it?”
“I think I’d handle it better if I wasn’t on the PEP meds,” you joked.
He froze, letting his chopsticks linger over his kimchi jjigae. He blinked a few more times. You looked away and swallowed your embarrassment. “Really though, it’s good. Handling babies is new, but I think I’m doing a decent job so far. Dr. Ono and Dr. Yoo are a big help, they’re great residents.”
“No trouble with Dr. Yoo?”
“No.”
He narrowed his eyes and leaned closer. “None at all?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure? You can tell me if there is. She can be…” He trailed off and pressed his lips together. “A bitter tea to swallow.”
“I don’t agree with everything she says opinion wise, but medically speaking, there hasn’t been any issues. She’s my superior, so I do what she asks of me.”
He stared at you for a few more seconds and finally turned his chopsticks in your direction. “I like you, you’re honest.”
“You have to be in this career field.”
“True.”
You scooped another bite of rice and beef into your mouth. While you chewed, Dr. Lee placed a bite of kimchi into the side of his cheek. He licked his lips and reached for another bite. A comfortable silence built between the two of you while you consumed your meals.
After a few more bites, you spoke up again. “So what made you decide to become an ob-gyn? It looks like it’s one of the quicker paced departments.”
He reached for his napkin and dabbed the sauce off his bottom lip. While responding, he didn’t look in your direction. “When I entered medical school, I didn’t know what department I wanted to be in right away. I liked medicine and that’s all I knew.”
A loud scrape from across the way caught your attention. An emergency department room nurse winced as they dropped into their plastic chair. The legs scraped across the floor and shifted when they sat down. Faint grumbling came from beneath their breath.
Minho picked up another cherry tomato and rolled it around between his thumb and index finger. “I was in an anatomy class when we were learning about the reproductive system. I overheard a few guys cracking jokes about wanting to go into the ob-gyn department. Not because they cared about the patients, but because they found sexual gratification in it.”
Your fingers froze around your metal water bottle. Unfortunately, you remembered your time in medical school. Not every guy was mature enough to take things seriously. As if patients weren’t patients, but rather hot commodities. It wasn’t every guy, but it was enough to make your stomach clench with anxiety and a sour taste coated your tongue.
You’d forgotten people went to medical school for the title of doctor. Because some people didn’t care about medicine, but rather how much money they’d be making. Some weren’t passionate about patients, they cared about power. They cracked jokes about prescribing opioids and belittled the pain that some experienced.
“I’m my mother’s only child. When she had me at the hospital, my heartbeat stopped in the womb. The doctor had to perform an emergency c-section.” Minho’s gaze dropped to his steaming bowl of food. “My mother’s doctor told her there wasn’t time to waste. They didn’t let the anesthesia kick in properly.”
You winced at the thought.
“I ended up being fine, but she felt everything. The scalpel, the feeling of her skin being forced open while she screamed. Hospital staff had to hold her down while the doctor worked. A person doesn’t just get over something that traumatic.”
You stayed quiet, letting him continue when he wanted to. He pushed a few slivers of kimchi around the ceramic bowl. His chopsticks scraped along the bottom of the bowl. It took a few moments before he settled upon scooping up another square of tofu.
“I never want any of my patients to go through that pain. My mother is proud to have me, but I feel guilty knowing that she’ll never have a birth story she can look back upon fondly. I know it was a medical emergency, but the staff could have waited a little longer for everything to kick in. They could have injected her with something to erase the pain in her stomach before slicing her open.”
“I can’t even imagine...”
“Instead of being furious, my mother did her best to raise me. When I’m here at the hospital, I feel like I’m saving others from experiencing that potential trauma. If I have medical emergencies, I do what I can to be proactive. Yes, some of my patients are babies, but my patients are also the women who are carrying those babies. I want the best for both patients in every case I handle.”
And suddenly, you understood why Dr. Lee gave a no nonsense approach to everything he did. He took cases seriously because some wouldn’t. Even questions that sounded dumb, he answered them earnestly. The background of his mother gave him something that not every ob-gyn had experienced.
He’d been personally affected by something so profound and even if he wouldn’t have said it out loud, you should have known from the diligent way he handled cases and worked quickly to ease his patients’ pain levels, no matter what obstacles he faced.
It's too hard to describe this in a way that feels honest
Pairing: Felix X gn reader
Summary: After fans pressure you about a recent weight gain, you go to extreme lengths to lose weight and hide it from your boyfriend.
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 5K
Trigger warning: Mentions of bulimia, vomiting, skipping meals, physical assault, insecurities, cyber bullying, and weight gain/loss.
Eating disorder resources
He will leave this meal believing we had a happy dinner together. He will leave and I will go into the bathroom. I will go to the bathroom and purge myself of calories and the heaviness sitting within my stomach. I will throw it all up unglamorously because to be glamorous is what I crave. A glamorous body, a soul purged of gluttony, the desire of daintiness and innocence; to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved.
Forks scraped upon porcelain white plates. Each time the metal prongs dragged, you were aware of how much you were eating. No matter how long you chewed and tried to bid your time, you couldn’t do it properly. Felix would notice and then he’d start asking questions. The last thing you needed were questions and him finding a way to wiggle out of a late night dance practice.
A plate is a plate of food to some, but to you and your brain, it was the untethering of everything. Just when food would slip your mind, it was forced back in front of you again. He didn’t do it to be cruel, he fed you out of love. To be loved, to be known, to be nurtured, and treated well with food that exploded on your taste buds.
The more you consumed, the more you wanted to take a potato peeler and yank out your tongue. To scrape away every single taste bud. If you couldn’t taste, you couldn’t indulge. As you’d spit out wet chunks of bloody flesh, the taste of blood would dissolve. You’d spit it all out and your tongue would eventually heal. Everything would go away and that’d be that. Life would go on and no matter how much a craving captured you, you’d never taste it again. They’d melt away and life would continue.
You stabbed your fork into the broccoli harder than usual. The prongs slipped and shot forward. A sharp screech sounded, causing Felix to look up with a raised eyebrow. “Woah,” he joked, “is the roasted broccoli that good?”
You picked your head up and stared at him without a word. Fire shot through your veins. These fits of anger came out of nowhere. Quick bursts of rage and each time they came, it took everything within you not to snap at people. Felix only teased, but you weren’t in the mood for his teasing.
You forced a fake smile. “Yeah. What’d you season it with?”
“Oh my god, I found a new recipe in that cookbook Lee Know gave me. There’s a bunch of new stuff! This roasted broccoli recipe has parmesan cheese and garlic powder. I added some–”
You tuned the rest of his words out and focused your attention back to the tree-like bits of broccoli. Fuck Lee Know and his stupid cookbook. It was an old cookbook that he hadn’t wanted anymore. When he brought it up, Felix asked if he could have it. He wanted to practice more of his cooking skills.
Once upon a time, you would have thought it was perfect, but that was before your self-image shattered. You gained a few pounds over the last couple months. You didn’t notice until someone zoomed into one of your Instagram photos. You liked that selfie, you thought it was cute. It took a single person to berate the way your stomach pressed against the tight nylon fabric. That’s all it took to take you three steps back.
The screenshot fell from Instagram to Threads to Twitter. Obsessive fans used the photo to make fun of you. They couldn’t stand anyone dating Felix and that meant you. Obsession and desire haunted them the same way food now haunted you. As long as you dated Felix, you destroyed their delusions. It mutilated their desires and the hurt swept across social media.
You’d faced your fair share of accusations since you’d been together. Usually, you brushed them off and rolled your eyes. At the end of the day, you turned off social media and went to bed curled up to Felix. Felix with his soft words and playful teasing. Felix and his freckled smile. Felix and his grabby hands. Felix and his clingy limbs, always wanting to curl up next to you at night.
Their words shouldn’t have mattered, but they did. They mattered when it came to your weight. It was something you’d always been aware of. Since dating Felix, you’d become more aware of it. When award shows and big events were coming up, he’d cut back on his calorie intake. When they were over, he’d come home and eat whatever he wanted until he was full.
It was your arms he curled up into afterwards. His face pressed into your chest, it worried you. When you mentioned it, he promised he was okay. He swore it was only for events. When they came up nowadays, he made a conscious effort to share a meal with you in the days leading up to them. It eased the worry clutching your heart a little. Even if it wasn’t as much food as normal, you knew he still had enough food to use as energy throughout the day.
You worried about him in the same way he worried about you. He noticed when you started skipping meals and brought it up to you. You shrugged it off, stating your hunger cues changed. So when he brought home that damn cookbook and decided the two of you should share a home cooked meal together once a day, you wanted to beat him over the head with it.
On one of the days he left you alone, you flung it from the top of the fridge. Frantically flipping through the pages, there were no calorie intakes listed. Each recipe contained an unknown amount of calories. Every time he scooped food and side dishes on your plate, you had to guess how much everything was. Each Google result pulled up different results. The health apps where you logged your food, they didn’t know the exact amount of calories either. They could guess, but guessing wasn’t enough.
You knew what would happen if you tried to measure portion sizes. Felix would grow concerned. He’d find out what was happening with his fans and you didn’t want that. You didn’t want him to feel betrayed by his own fandom. He’d heard nasty rumors online about you before. Each time he noticed things spiraling out of control, he’d distance himself from the fans.
He’d update his Instagram less. The long threads of Bubble messages wouldn’t fill up your phone anymore. People would ruin things and the entire fandom would be punished for it. Not because he hated every fan, but because he was disappointed in their actions and the way some of them treated the people he loved. If fans couldn’t respect his personal life, he didn’t want them.
You’d taken up a large chunk of his heart. He thought they’d understand. He was in love and he was with someone who made him happy. He was happier than he’d been in a long time and fans still fired off death wishes. They tagged your social media account along with them.
The threads of harassment pushed your brain further and further from rationality. It’s normal for weight to fluctuate, it’s normal to gain a few pounds and lose them again, but that didn’t matter. You weren’t even in the idol industry, but it stained you and imprinted on your brain. Calories are everywhere and the difference between one-hundred calories and five calories became a thousand calorie difference.
Felix was around so many others when he traveled. People with prettier faces and symmetrical facial features. Limbs that looked like they'd been cut out of fashion magazines. Pale girls with petite waists and frail wrists. Sun-kissed boys with pulsing muscles acquired from spending time in the gym. Ebony skinned bodies that belonged front and center on the runway. Heads held high, straightened spines, and confidence springing off them. Tendrils of hair poking out and springing around heads, as if they were rays of sunshine.
Insecurities built up like dominoes and they toppled one-by-one. Each nibbled on the edges of your brain and chewed away the intellect you once had. Starvation destroys brains and desperation pained you constantly. The competition grew harder, it was always a competition. A competition with other people, a competition within the idol industry, a competition with who you were and who you wanted to be.
He was Lee Felix and a bright star, but what were you? He was a rapper, a singer, a dancer, a brand ambassador, a fashion icon. Known for his deep voice and charming Australian accent. What did you have compared to any of that? He swore he loved you, but the words weren’t enough anymore.
“Prove it! Prove it to me! Prove to me that I’m worth the weight of your words and more than a number on the scale! Do something to prove it!”
He always did.
Threading his fingers through yours, he’d curl his head upon your shoulder and ask you about your day. You’d deflect and ask about his own day. Felix with his group members who felt like home. Felix and his extroverted behavior. He walked throughout this world like he held it in the palm of his hand. Even on days when living felt like a burden, he kept pushing and marching forward.
Every night, he tucked you in while giggling. He made an entire show of pulling up the comforter and smoothing out the wrinkles. The sheet beneath it and a few more blankets, just in case you grew cold within the night. He’d laugh and pull them up one-by-one. The cotton comforter with the peacock feathers printed on it. It stuck out against the ivory walls.
He brought it home one day because of Hyunjin. It wasn’t what he expected it to be and instead of returning it, he thought Felix would like it instead. When Felix asked if you liked it, you shrugged and called it different. As the two of you stared at each other, you fell into a fit of shared laughter. Royal blues and deep greens, it was bizarre, but it remained upon your bed for months. Each time it was washed, it was placed right back on the bed with the other bedding.
His love was packed in the bags of food delivery that’d show up to your workplace unannounced. Once he found out the address, he made sure to buy you lunch every so often. You didn’t notice he’d been paying attention to your cravings, not yet. Each time you mentioned wanting something, he’d have it at your workplace the next day.
Lately, each time a bag of delivery showed up at your place, you’d pass it off to a coworker. When they questioned it, you’d wave it off and dub it as stomach issues. They always hesitated, but soon it became normal. Your favorite coworkers took turns eating the meals meant for you. Some days, they’d share them and none of them knew what you were facing internally.
“Maybe it’s indigestion.”
“What about gallbladder issues? Can you keep down greasy food? I couldn’t when I had gallstones.”
“What if you’re actually plugged up bowel wise? You should try a laxative and some prune juice. Coffee works well too. Make sure you’re near the bathroom or you’ll make a fool of yourself.”
Your colleagues threw out suggestions for your stomach pain, but you shrugged them off. You couldn’t tell them about the nausea and distress you were gaining from insecurities. The sight of food made you nauseous. Your workplace was the only place you could escape eating lunch. Felix wasn’t watching you there.
Presently, you forced yourself to chew the broccoli and swallow. Each time you swallowed a bit, your stomach twisted. It took everything within you not to heave and spew it back onto the plate. Broccoli was one of the worst things to throw up. The fuzzy bits of green stems lodged in different parts of your throat. What went down must come up and just because it was broccoli, it made no difference.
Density and calories became added fat. You couldn’t do that to your body. This morning, you fell into a fit of silent tears and kicked away the scale. The scale went up a pound instead of going down and it was enough to send you spiraling. Fists buried into your eye sockets, you choked back sobs.
Outside the bathroom door, Felix hummed softly. Soft sprays of his cologne shot through the tendrils of morning sunlight. He dabbed the liquid behind his ears and along the back of his neck. He sprayed the air and spun through it with his arms up. A goofy smile on his face, he chuckled and glanced in the mirror to make sure his hair looked good.
In the bathroom, you couldn’t look at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Fluorescent lights hung above your naked body. Bottom lip quivering, chin tucked to your chest in shame, you didn’t dare look up. You hated that person in the mirror. The body wasn’t right, the face was all wrong, and you were an alien in your own body. The skin puffed out in the wrong places. Stretch marks sank into places where they shouldn’t be.
You showered in the steaming hot water as a punishment. Your aching skin didn’t matter. Your skin darkened in shade from the water’s high temperature. When you’d leave the bathroom, you’d blame the red eyes on shampoo getting into your eyes. As you stretched back your neck, you were faintly aware of the unusual amount of hair slipping out from between your fingers. It’d try to slip down the drain and end up caught in the metal catcher instead. Every time you scrubbed, hair follicles fell out and wrapped around your sud-filled fingers.
Bulimia doesn’t save you from hair loss. You kept quiet about the ache of your teeth. The enamel consistently eroded from the acidic stomach acid. Temperatures now hurt your teeth. Each bite of cold ice cream made you wince. If soup was too hot, you gritted your teeth in pain. It vibrated throughout the top and bottom of your mouth, causing immense distress.
You wrapped the scrapes on your fingers in band-aids. When Felix commented on them, you laughed it off. You explained the newfound paper you’d been using at your workplace. Something with a thicker edge, it was easier to experience paper cuts. He frowned, but he never questioned it again.
As the vomiting became routine, lying became second nature.
Bright red engulfed your knuckles. You’d pushed your fingers into the back of your throat so many times, your front teeth scraped them over and over again. No matter how much you tried to maneuver your fingers, it never worked. Scrapes and small cuts. You’d bleed and wash your hands, cursing the way the human body evolved.
People didn’t know how far you went. Each time your stomach bloated, the puffiness in your face, it was never a win, but each pound lost was. You craved the euphoria of thinness; to be thinner than you’d ever been and then to lose a few more pounds, just to prove to yourself you were disciplined and dedicated.
None of it mattered anymore. It used to be disgusting, but nothing was more atrocious than your body. The vomit spewed upon your face when you emptied your stomach over the toilet. The toilet water splashed back. The tears seeping down your cheeks felt somewhat worth it. No matter how disgusting it was, you were winning. You stomped your vomit down the bathroom drain on days when Felix was home. You knew there was no other way to hide it from him. The blast of the shower and your music tuned everything out. The milky bubbles washed it all away.
You crucified yourself day-after-day. Anything to reach perfection. Anything to be beautiful. Anything to chase belonging into a society that’d accept you. Anything to feel that jubilant feeling when the weight on the scale went down.
“Babe?” Felix’s words broke through your thoughts.
“Hm?” Your fingers curled tighter around the fork. You tipped your head upright and met his gaze.
One more bite of this broccoli and you might throw up sooner than you planned to. The food tipped and swirled in your stomach again. A stomach full of knots and as time ticked away, you internally panicked. The more time slipped away, you were aware of the food digesting in your stomach. It was dissolving and breaking down into stomach acid. That’d become more fat you’d have to burn off later.
“I ran into one of your coworkers this morning on the way to the JYP building.”
“Uh-huh.”
“She said she’s been eating the meals I’ve been delivering to your workplace because you won’t eat them.”
The fork slipped from your fingers and clattered against the plate. Felix’s eyes didn’t leave your face. You shifted slightly and moved your attention back to your plate. The grains of brown rice disappeared into your stomach. Teriyaki chicken followed it down. The taste lingered on your tongue. No matter how much you swallowed, it didn’t go away. Instead, it mixed with the garlic infused broccoli.
His Adam’s apple bobbed before he spoke once more. “Would you like to explain why that is?”
“I’ve been stressed out about work and I haven’t wanted them to go to waste. Listen, I know it looks bad, but I know you like spoiling me. I didn’t want to upset you.”
“You could have told me and I wouldn’t have made it an issue.”
“I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t pull his eyes away from you. You didn’t know he knew, but he knew. He figured it out when he tugged strands of hair from the bathroom drain. Strands of hair, the slipperiness of saliva, and when he unscrewed the bathroom drain to unclog the shower one day. He knew it when he shoved the plunger against the drain, trying to dislodge whatever stopped the water from flowing down the drain.
At first, he couldn’t identify the mangled bits of whatever it was. He thought a neighbor’s toilet backed up. The pipes screwed up and something went wrong. With a wrinkled nose, he mopped up the mangled mess with wads of toilet paper and sanitized the tub’s floor. It didn’t make sense until you went into the bathroom after dinner. When you turned on the tub full blast and then the shower a few minutes later.
You said it was a soak and then a shower. He didn’t want it to be true, but when you appeared with bandaged knuckles, he knew. That night, he spent nearly an hour pacing the living room, trying to figure out how to approach you and acknowledge the situation. You never brought it up and he knew he wasn’t supposed to know, but he did.
He noticed the way you stared at the food he made before you consumed it. The shakiness in your hands, the deep breath, and the way you mentally overcame whatever voice screamed in your head, so you could take a bite of the food. You always hurried to the bathroom to shower within a few minutes of eating dinner.
Food was supposed to be one of life’s simple pleasures, but it became your biggest enemy.
Time froze in those few seconds. The words lingered on his tongue. All he had to do was say them and the illusion you’d spent so long creating would rupture. His eyes shifted to his own plate. A few more bites of his own chicken and rice and then it’d be gone. He thought it was delicious, but it was hard to enjoy his food when he knew you were suffering across from him.
“Babe?” He called out hesitantly. The confidence he once had, it’d wavered. Yet, if he didn’t address this now, he didn’t know when he would.
“Yeah?”
“I know you have bulimia.”
You couldn’t breathe. You didn’t dare look up and catch his eyes. Your brain shrieked inside your skull. A wave of dizziness caught you, causing you to catch the edge of the table with one of your hands. Denial swept you up and you spat out the words defensively.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He frowned, but he didn’t back down. “Babe, please…”
“You’re wrong.”
“If I called off dance practice tonight–”
Your hands slammed against the table in a fit of rage. “You can’t! You have to go!” You stood up so fast, your chair scraped the floor behind you and wobbled. “The guys need you to be there, so you can learn the new routine.”
“How am I supposed to go knowing that you’re going to throw up the food I made?”
“I’m not!” Your words grew louder. He looked at you with pity in his eyes. “Stop it, don’t look at me like that! Don’t look at me like I’m sick!” Your voice turned into a high-pitched wail. “I’m not sick!”
“Babe…”
“It’s not bulimia, I can control it! I know what I’m doing! It’s under control and you can’t stop me!” Tears welled up in your eyes.
“This isn’t healthy.”
“Oh and you skipping meals for fashion shows and photoshoots is different?”
“That is entirely different, yes! My calorie intake is between me and my doctor. It’s only for a few days and then it stops. That is not an eating disorder, but this is.”
Rage possessed you. You picked up your fork and chucked it at his head. He ducked immediately, dodging the pointed metal prongs. It clattered behind him and bounced off the lower row of wooden cabinets. Before he could speak, your plate followed. It flew right past him and bits of broccoli flew in every direction. The food he’d worked so hard to make rolled along the dirty floor.
The white porcelain shattered. Every remaining piece of food scattered out behind him. Teriyaki sauce seeped into the wood floor and soaked between the edges. A hidden grain of rice stuck to the back of his chair leg.
His own tears seeped in his eyes. This wasn’t you and he knew that. This was the eating disorder speaking. This was how you scared him away and how you lost him. You’d do anything to deny it and refuse to let him see who you’d morphed into.
You stood with your fingers shaking. Heavy breaths and tears falling freely down your cheeks. Despite the wreckage behind him, it didn’t make you feel better. If anything, it added to the anger burning inside your hollow heart.
“Does it make you feel better?” You croaked. “To know there’s something wrong with me? To know I’m fucked up in my head? I’m doing all of this for you.”
“You’re not.” He shook his head. “This isn’t for me. I don’t want this for you. I want you to be happy. I love you.”
“You’d love me better if I lost more weight.”
“Where did you come up with such nonsense? I’ve only wanted you since the beginning. I love you no matter what your weight is. It doesn’t matter if you gain twenty pounds or lose it. I–”
“Shut up!” Your hands curled into fists and you banged them along the table. “Just shut the fuck up! I can’t stand you! Shut up!”
“You don’t mean that and we both know it.”
“I fucking hate you.”
“No,” he whispered. “You hate that I found out and you hate that I know. I’m not leaving you alone right now. You can pout and you can scream in my face.” He swept a cashmere sweater sleeve across his eyes. “You can spit and hiss and punch me if you must, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving this apartment tonight.”
You jerked around and shoved the wooden chair to the floor. It clattered and rolled onto its side. Your bare foot caught it and you kicked it away. Without another word, you left him crying alone and nurturing his own hurt from your cruelty.
You’d spent days starving and it possessed you. There was never enough food in your system to fully nurture you. Each time food settled into your stomach, you forced it right back up. Every day was a challenge full of exhaustion and dragging your body from place to place. Not to mention, the coldness that clung to your limbs. Hoodies and blankets weren’t enough to fix it.
In the kitchen, Felix flinched when you slammed the bedroom door shut. Tears blurred his vision as he pulled out his phone. With shaking thumbs, he shot off a quick text message to the group chat and announced he couldn’t come. He left the words vague, but informed everyone that you were suffering from an illness and he didn’t want to leave you alone. Immediate well wishes filled up the text thread.
He read the messages from the guys and wondered if you knew how much you meant to them. It wasn’t just him who you’d touched, it was everyone around you. Usually, you brought smiles and laughter, but over the past three months, you’d morphed into a midnight sky speckled with thunder wagons and fits of vengeful lightning.
Your mood changed rapidly and you were quick to become irritable. He noticed, but he never brought it up. It was always a sore subject, but now the screen was peeled back. He knew exactly what you were going through, but he didn’t know how to fix it. This was one of those things that he couldn’t fix. You had to figure out this internal battle within yourself. He prayed you understood its severity sooner rather than later.
In the bathroom, your purging plans changed. You stood, staring at yourself in the oversized mirror. Above the toothbrushes and ceramic hand soap bottle, you looked yourself in the eye for the first time in weeks. Purple bags smeared beneath your eyes. A piece of your hairline disappeared. A small patch must have fallen out during the shedding in the shower; it was a newfound insecurity to worry about in the midst of everything else.
Who have you become?
You yelled at your boyfriend and threw things at him. You’d turned into a stranger you didn’t recognize. Food fought against your stomach lining. It bucked and tried to claw its way out of you. Your mouth salivated with saliva, but you forced yourself to swallow. Exhaustion weighed heavily upon your shoulders.
The energy within you faded. Your emotional outburst swept away your plans. You couldn’t hide it anymore, your boyfriend knew. If he knew, how many other people knew? If they knew, did they think you were disgusting? Did they think something was wrong with you?
You squeezed your eyes shut and gripped the edge of the counter. Head hanging low, you forced in three slow deep breaths. In through your mouth and out through your nose. You wanted to go out and apologize to Felix, but you didn’t. Your own humiliation gutted you.
It didn’t feel like bulimia, but Felix was right, it was. This heaviness was exactly what it felt like. The ache in your teeth, the patchy pieces of hair loss, and the way every bite of food felt like it needed to come right back up. When was the last time your knuckles weren’t scraped? When was the last time you enjoyed a warm shower without burning yourself alive? When was the last time you didn’t punish yourself for following basic human nature and eating?
The tears refused to stop falling. With the back of your hand, you wiped away the snot dripping from your nose. You shoved your phone from your back pocket and onto the side of the sink. One-by-one, you yanked off each dirty piece of clothing and let them drop onto the floor. With a newfound congested nose and sniffling, you reached over to turn on the shower.
This time, you didn’t burn yourself. You adjusted the water to a warmer temperature and let it rush over your back. Your shoulders loosened and physical aches eased, but it didn’t wash away the desire to throw up. It took every ounce of self-control to keep your food in your system. Maybe that was enough punishment for tonight. You’d force yourself to keep down the food and let Felix’s food nurture you.
You didn’t bother moving to wash your hair, you just stood there with silent tears flowing down your cheeks. In the morning, you’d wake up with puffy eyes and a bloated stomach, you were sure of it. For now, you let the water wrap around you like a warm hug.
When you’d get out, you’d find your phone with a new notification. A single text message from Felix. Despite everything that happened tonight, he meant what he said about loving you.
“I’ll be here when you want to talk.”
It’d take a while before you’d gather the courage to step outside the bathroom in your towel. You didn’t bring any clothes in, but Felix would have a set of comfortable pajamas waiting for you on the bed. He wouldn’t be there, he’d want to give you space.
When you’d walk out to the living room, he wouldn’t be there with malice or rage. Instead, his own puffy eyes would find yours. He’d carry a silent hope that you’d crawl into his arms and you’d collapse on top of him. Your beautiful face against his chest, you’d listen to his heartbeat and curl your arms around his body tightly.
You wouldn’t be able to apologize for what you did right away. You’d struggle to admit you were wrong. There’d be streams of tears and more regret than anything. The days ahead would have setbacks and frustrations. You’d close yourself off more than he’d like you to, but he’d always be there waiting with open arms. When you faced every challenge, he’d always been beside you and when it came to this one, he wouldn’t back down.
He wouldn’t tell you that it’d be okay, he’d just hold you tight enough to try and counteract the pull of the porcelain bowl.
Summary: Despite struggling with the effects of Dysautonomia, you're determined to have a good time while filming a Mario Kart inspired Skz Code video.
Genre: 9th member AU
Word Count: 14.1K
Trigger warnings: Brief mention of guilt for health issues and anxiety.
“It’s-ah me! Mario! Yippy!” Felix’s fist curled into the air and he jumped up.
“It’s-ah me! Waluigi! Waaaaah!” Hyunjin’s hand curled into a fake gun. “Give me all your croissants and nobody gets hurt."
“Croissants? Hyun, the Mario brothers are Italian, not French.”
Hyunjin’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Wah.” His thumbs curled beneath the black suspenders over his plum purple long sleeve shirt. He stretched the elastic forward and let go. The unexpected sharp sting of pain slamming against his upper body sent him jumping. “WAH!”
The row of staff members in front of everyone struggled to hold back their laughter. Bang Chan’s body toppled forward. His green Luigi hat fell off and fluttered to the ground. Changbin’s high-pitched laughter mocked him. Rolling cameras had captured every moment for the last five minutes. You tried not to laugh, but the pout-lipped glare Hyunjin shot towards everyone made it impossible.
“Yah, I think we should start the intro properly this time. We’re wasting everyone’s time and…” Minho trailed off and shielded a hand above his head. He glanced up, squinting into the sunlight. “It’s only going to get more hot as the day goes on. This tutu is going to suffocate me and I don’t want to die.”
The orange tutu was more like a long skirt. Stiff nylon fabric caskaded past his hips and stopped around his knees. Changbin wore a similar one for his character.
All nine of you stood in a plethora of different costumes. You’d been begging for the Skz Code concept for a while and when staff members finally announced it, you nearly jumped into your manager’s arms in excitement. Finally, something you could do without causing too much of a filming delay. Ever since doctors uncovered your Dysautonomia, life made a lot more sense, but it didn’t mean it was any easier.
The nervous system disorder disrupted your autonomic nervous system. The list of symptoms you experienced went on and on; constant fatigue, shortness of breath, migraines, blood sugar issues, etc. Some days you lived with ease and other days, life felt like a constant uphill battle. However, you were certain you could do this today.
You felt pretty good when you woke up. Before meeting up at the filming location with the guys, you’d hydrated yourself with plenty of water and consumed a meal. You forced yourself to stay still, despite wanting to bounce around. The last thing you needed was a spiked heart rate. Denim shorts, orange socks peeking out the top of your shoes, a green shirt, and your favorite part, a crocheted Yoshi hat.
One of the staff members took it upon herself to crochet a bunch of items for the costumes. The Yoshi hat upon your head sat equipped with Yoshi’s nose, his eyes, and a few of his orange spikes combing down the back of your head. On either side of you, all the guys stood in their own Mario Kart inspired costumes. Some of them, you put together alone. Others required assistance from the staff members.
“What does Toad say?” Jisung asked. He reached up and adjusted the white and red mushroom beanie on his own head. “He wails, right? It’s that super high-pitched voice?”
“Couldn’t be me.” Seungmin spun around and shook his butt towards the cameras. “Rraaaawr! Fear me, I’m Bowser! Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!” The back of his Bowser onesie included a small pointed tail beneath the green shell of protruding spikes. It wiggled when he shook his hips.
“AH! SAVE ME, DONKEY KONG!” Changbin rushed away from Seungmin, pink tutu flapping in the breeze behind him. A soft pink shirt stretched over his biceps. The hot pink tutu’s added glitter sparkled in the sunlight. The blonde wig, held on by a plastic crown glued onto a headband, nearly flew off.
Jeongin scowled. Out of all the outfits you’d seen today, you were most impressed by his. A pair of brown khaki shorts, a lighter brown button down left open to reveal a beige undershirt beneath it. A pair of added brown Vans on his feet and a singular bright red tie slung loose around his neck with a yellow DK printed on it. If it weren’t for the added monkey ears perched on his head via headband, you would have assumed he discovered a new fashion trend.
Changbin tried to hide behind him within his Princess Peach outfit, but Jeongin side-stepped. “That’s not my job. Shouldn’t you be talking to Mario or Luigi or something?”
“Pft, coward.” Minho stepped forward and brushed back his own long brunette wig. “Bowser isn’t even scary. Princess Daisy doesn’t need to be saved from a weirdo in a cheap costume.”
“I did my best!” Seungmin stomped his foot in a huff. “It’s not like I could find a costume like you guys. Every homemade Bowser costume required building a hard shell. How am I supposed to race with a hard shell?”
“Like a real man. How does Princess Daisy race with a golden crown stuck on her head? Because she improvises, adapts, and overcomes. Try it sometime.”
“Princess Daisy has pretty privilege and that’s only why she–”
“What did you just say about me?” Minho stepped forward with a fist raised. “Watch your ugly man mouth before I knock you into next year, punk.”
“Shiver me timbers.”
“Okay, okay. Everyone defuse yourselves and calm down.” Chan finally stepped forth. He rubbed his glove hands together and clapped them. “Welcome to Mario Kart in real life. As you can see, we’re dressed as characters from Mario Kart.”
“Speak for yourself,” Minho shook his fist. “You might be a fake Italian plumber, but today, I’m a real princess and I demand respect.”
His request didn’t shake Chan.
“So as you can see,” Chan continued. He reached both gloved hands out to each side of him. “Every member of Stray Kids has currently been trapped in the world of Mario Kart. We’ll be racing against each other, gaining power-ups, and doing whatever we can to win the golden trophy at the end of the race. Does anyone have any questions?”
Your hand shot up from your spot. It took him a moment before he noticed. When he did, you stepped forward. “Are we going to be in teams?”
“No way! Waluigi doesn’t need a team. Waluigi’s way or the highway.” Hyunjin stretched out his suspenders and let them go again, clearly not learning from the first time. “Wah-ah!”
“Oof, that’s gonna leave a mark.”
“Lets-ah go!” Felix called from the back. “It's-ah me, Mario! Yippy!” He rubbed a gloved finger over his fake mustache.
“No teams,” Chan announced. “The rules are simple. We’ll all be on the outdoor track and racing one another. At certain points, staff members will be placing down power-ups boxes. Lift the box to find your power-up. Use it to take out the competition and gain first place. Depending on our places, we’ll get points and use those to figure out who wins at the end.”
“Man, I should have picked Mario.” Jisung crossed his arms over his deep blue vest and frowned. “I can’t do the Toad voice. I sound like an idiot, but Felix can do it perfectly.”
Seungmin added salt into his wound. “You snooze, you lose.”
“No, I think it makes sense the way we did things,” Hyunjin said. “Felix is Mario and Chan is Luigi. They’re from the same city. Besides, you look good as Toad, the beanie is your style.”
“At least someone is looking out for me.” Jisung adjusted his beanie and sighed. “Okay, where were we?”
“Why don’t we introduce our characters? I’ll go first.” Hyunjin stepped in front of everyone. “I’m Waluigi, like Luigi, but evil. Do you like my mustache? Stay, should I grow one?” He shot a wink to the camera and stroked his fake mustache. “Please say no.” His smirk fell. “It kinda tickles.”
Chan snorted and shook his head. He waved his own gloved hand at the camera. “I’m obviously Luigi. The better Luigi, the cooler Luigi, and the more popular Luigi.”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes.
“And I’m Mario!” Felix practically skipped next to Chan and waved at the camera. “In the Mario Kart world, we’re brothers. This time, we come from the same mother.” He linked an arm around Chan’s.
“Phew, Mario, you look good out there.” Changbin raised his hands above his head and spun in the sunlight. “I’m Princess Peach. I want to win today, so I can brag to my kingdom.” His pink shirt and tutu glistened.
“That makes me Daisy.” Minho walked forward and bumped Changbin’s hip. “I’m like Princess Peach, but better.”
Seungmin roared and flexed his hidden muscles. While everyone else’s costume looked good, Seungmin’s fabric Bowser head flopped. With the cheap onesie and cheap interior cotton, the head shifted and fell sideways. Everyone burst into laughter, causing annoyance to fill Seungmin.
“Don’t laugh at me! I’m the most evil guy here! I’m going to slaughter all of you out there. Just watch me.”
“We’ll be watching you just fine, hyung. Looks hard for you to watch, considering the top of that onesie is falling into your face.”
“Screw you, Innie.”
“It’s Donkey Kong today. I don’t care if I win or lose. I’m here to throw bananas at people and make it as entertaining as possible.”
Jisung’s face fell. “Huh? Bananas?”
“Yeah, the banana peels? I’m here to make your go-karts spin out of control for Stay’s personal entertainment.” He grinned at the camera, adjusting his tie. “Nobody knows more about bananas than me.”
“That’s not fair,” Jisung grumbled. His shoulders slumped in defeat. “Toad doesn’t have a special power like bananas.”
“He has an annoying voice and that’s his power.”
Jisung leaned over and lightly shoved Seungmin. “Whatever. I don’t want the stupid trophy anymore. I don’t care what happens. I want Jeongin and Seungmin to lose.”
While they all bickered, you sucked in a deep breath and adjusted your Yoshi hat. You stepped to the side and placed your hands on your hips, waiting for them to stop, so you could introduce yourself.
Seungmin and Jeongin ganged up against Jisung. Felix moved closer to Changbin and slipped his arms around his biceps. When Minho’s deadpan face spun around to find you, he shushed everyone. “Shut up! Yoshi, get up here and introduce yourself.”
You stepped up along with everyone and raised your hands. The perfect imitation of Yoshi saying his name shot out of your mouth. Everyone stood in disbelief. Felix broke the silence first, pulling away from Changbin and clapping his hands. “Do it again!”
“Yoshi!”
Jeongin stepped closer, gently grabbing your shoulders. He leaned closer with wide eyes. “Woah, are you really him?”
“Shut up.”
“Rude.”
“Okay, racers, to the go-karts!” Chan announced with his hands cupped over his mouth.
As you followed the guys, it was Seungmin that stepped close to you. With his back to most of the cameras, his tail swung from side-to-side. His voice came out in a hushed whisper. “You feel okay today?”
“Yeah, I hope it stays like this.”
“I brought a bottle of migraine meds along in case you need them. I heard you tell Chan you were out yesterday. I bought some on my way back to the dorm last night. If you need one, let me know.”
“Thanks.”
“And by the way, I’m going to beat you today.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, bud.”
He grumbled and walked away, probably to harass Jisung or Jeongin. Despite his certainty, you didn’t believe he’d win. Out of everyone, you figured your biggest threats were Chan and Minho. Chan because you were certain he’d grown up riding go-karts and Minho because Minho was Minho.
You’d never liked to feel coddled by the guys, but you’d learned to manage their inputs. It took a while before you accepted their help. You swore you didn’t need it and you kept that mindset until you overworked yourself and collapsed in the middle of dance practice. Not only had you freaked them out, but you freaked yourself out. Hazy, distressed, and confused, you’d frightened them enough that they called an ambulance.
Your embarrassment was eventually washed away. As time went on, you learned to be grateful for the extra assistance. Not everyone had people around them that were willing to go the extra mile to cheer them up. Besides, you always wanted to be there when the guys didn’t feel well and were struggling. They wanted to be there for you in their own ways.
Minho tended to craft healthy dinners packed with vitamins. He’d randomly show up to the dorm you shared with Seungmin and Felix and drop them off. More than once, Jisung tagged along and Minho would bring a warm dish of something with sides. All five of you would share a meal together.
Felix’s thumbs pressed against your sore muscles when they appeared. Eager to massage the soreness away, nobody made your body physically feel better than he did. On the days when you felt more fatigued, Changbin believed in the power of piggyback rides and flexing his strength. The last time you were on his back, your stomach flipped from the movement of the JYP elevator. He promised to keep you grounded and he did. Biceps curled around your legs, your chin on his head, he kept you steady when you couldn’t keep yourself upright without tipping.
“Holy–”
“Wow!” Felix quickly cut off Hyunjin’s words. “Look at that! The front of each go-kart has a symbol on it to represent our characters. Mine has a red and white M for Mario.”
“Channie Hyung has an L on his for loser,” Seungmin piped up. He headed for a bright orange go-kart. A print out of Bowser’s face sat in a perfect circular sphere. Staff members taped the symbol just above the lower bumper of the car.
“The L stands for ‘Luigi is going to make you eat those words.’” Chan rubbed his hands together and walked towards his own green go-kart. “Let’s get this party started.”
Seungmin scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, old fart.”
“You say that now, but you’ll be the first one to eat my dust.”
“I’m so scared.”
While the guys found their vehicles, you found your own. A lime green go-kart sat on the far left end of the track. The staff members rented out an entire outdoor track for the video. As long as everyone picked up after themselves and didn’t make a mess, the venue owners decided to allow them to film.
You looked to the other guys, making sure you were located at the correct cart and stepped over it. A green and white speckled egg sat above your own bumper. As you lowered yourself inside to get comfortable, you shifted and pressed your back against the back seat. Legs against the throttle and brake, you pressed down on each one, getting familiar with the movements. With your ankles flexing, it didn’t take much power to get the pedals to move.
The others followed in a similar manner. Jeongin tightened his tie slightly and adjusted it, so it wasn’t near the wheel. The last thing he needed was to have the tie tangle around the wheel of the go-kart and choke him. His fingers curled around the steering wheel and he slowly turned it from one side to the other.
Felix squeezed his own wheel and turned it drastically. His whole body shifted along with it. “Nyyyyooooom! Nyyyyooooom! Watch out everyone, here I come!”
Changbin flexed his ankles. “Is it like a car? Which pedal is which? Is the left one the brake or the gas?”
“Figure it out yourself,” Seungmin called out.
“Tough talk for a guy that doesn’t have his driver’s license.”
“Tough talk for the guy that keeps lying about how tall he actually is. We all know you give yourself a few extra centimeters,” Seungmin hit back.
“Hey, that’s not true!”
“Whatever you say, short stack.”
“Shut up! Everyone shut up! Look at me!” A gloved hand waved in front of the line of cars. Satin gloves tugged up to Minho’s elbows. He stood waiting for everyone’s attention. He adjusted his long brunette wig and took a deep breath. “Before we start, the rules need to be explained.”
“Waluigi doesn’t need rules.”
“Waluigi is going to get his head knocked off by a banana if he doesn’t shut up.”
Hyunjin shut up instantly, causing you to snicker. All eight of you were lined up at an outdoor race track. The ninth go-kart, another orange cart between Chan and Jeongin, waited for Minho to take his seat. Instead of sitting, Minho walked over to a distant smaller box and picked it up. He laced his hand through a strap that’d been embedded and tied beneath the top side of the box.
Streaks of pastel rainbow colors blended together. A white question mark sat along the side. He lifted it up and showed it to everyone. “While we all will be trying to get to first place, the staff members will be laying some of these mystery boxes in certain areas. A different variety of power-ups sit inside. Use the power-ups to take down your opponents.”
Jeongin raised his hand with a question.
“No questions.” Minho waved his hand, gesturing the unspoken words away. “When you grab one of these boxes, you can open it and find one of the power-ups.” He reached down and tugged out a crocheted banana. Peels drooped in different directions. “If you throw this at a player and it hits them, the player must stop driving. Staff members will come in, grab your go-kart, and twist it backwards, as if you spun out of control on a banana peel.”
“WHAT?”
Jeongin grinned. “Leave it to Donkey Kong to excel at that.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Life’s not fair.” Minho tossed the banana over his shoulder. It bounced a few times and rolled backwards. “The next power-up is the mushroom.” He yanked out a crocheted red and white mushroom. “If you choose to use it, you must yell, so everyone can hear you’re using it. Each player has to stop for ten seconds, while the user can zoom by and pass people.”
Instead of throwing it behind him, he tossed it at Jisung. It slammed into the side of his head, causing him to wince. “Ow! You nearly killed me.”
“Next are the green shells.” Another crocheted item appeared. The pale yellow and green shell was about the size of your palm. “If a player is hit by the green shell, they must stop their kart and count to ten. If you throw a shell at someone who hasn’t used their power-ups, they lose all their power-ups and get to keep driving.”
The lightning bolt made your eyes widen when it appeared.
“This is the lightning bolt. If it’s played, everyone must stop and for ten seconds, we have to act as if we’re being electrocuted. The staff members are going to edit in lightning, so we have to play along. Act well, so the editors can do their jobs properly.”
He grabbed a final item from the box. “Star power is the last power-up. For ten seconds, a person is untouchable. If they’re hit with power-ups, they won’t affect them. Questions, comments, concerns, I don’t want to hear about them. I explained everything. If you weren’t listening, too bad, so sad.”
You watched him as he turned around and started to pick up the items he threw. When a gust of wind flew by, it tugged the back of his tutu up. He jerked back, dropped all the items, and quickly shoved the skirt back down.
“Perverted wind,” Jeongin mumbled.
Jisung examined the mushroom plush in his hand. He rolled it around, brushing a thumb along the stitches. The same woman, who crocheted your hat and his, created the plushie power-ups. He reached up and threw it as hard as he could. Flying through the air, it spun around and hit the target. Bouncing off Minho’s ass, it hit the ground and rolled away.
Minho jerked up instantly, whipping around. “Who threw that?”
“I’m sorry, hyung!”
“You’re dead.”
“I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”
Minho grabbed the banana and dropped it in the box. He handed it back to a staff member and took his position in his car.
Felix stretched forward and peered over the front of his car. “Hyung, do we get coins?”
“Uh…” Minho paused. His eyes widened and he blinked. His head shook. “I don’t think so. Wait, do we?”
One of the staff members across the way glanced up. She sent him a thumbs up and nodded. Considering there weren’t any coins around, the staff must have hidden them somewhere, probably on the track.
“Don’t ask me about coins,” Minho continued. “I don’t know. Whatever. We’ll figure it out when we get there. Everyone, start your engines.”
“I’m scared.”
“Changbin, nothing is scarier than your face.”
“Kim Seungmin, I’ll end your bloodline.”
“Catch me first.”
You fumbled, trying to start up the engine. While you started it, one of the staff members waved a hand and walked forward. She moved forward with the same box Minho gave back to her. All nine of you watched and listened as she expanded on the rules. It’d all be cut out during editing.
It turns out, there really were coins. Laced along the track and hidden in mystery boxes, coins could be gathered and used in exchange to buy power-ups for future races. There were four races in total. Depending on your position, you’d gain points. Whoever had the most points at the end, they’d win.
Changbin drummed his fingers along the edge of his wheel. The early morning shoot took place on a beautiful day. The sun eased into the cloudless blue sky. Rows of rubber tires lined the elongated track. They’d been secured together via ropes, so no matter what happened, someone couldn’t spin off the track and go out of bounds.
The track was so wide, you’d all have plenty of space to move and maneuver between one another. The karts didn’t go super fast, but they were fast enough to race one another with. The reduced speed would give everyone enough time to drift around curves and go where they needed to go.
“Is everyone ready?” Chan asked.
“Wait! Wait!” Changbin raised his glove hands above his pink kart. “Do I have to keep these gloves on? They feel like a disadvantage.”
Minho shot him a glare. “You could never be royalty.”
“Not true.”
Chan pinched the bridge of his nose with his own shorter gloves. “Focus, everyone. You have five seconds to pull yourselves together and then we’ll–”
“Later, losers!” Seungmin stomped on the pedal and rushed forward with laughter. He swerved slightly and tried to get used to the movement and steering. The Bowser hood flopped to the side and deflated.
“That’s not fair!”
“Come back!”
“Seungmin!”
Jeongin followed his lead and trucked forward. Protests came from behind, but neither of them listened. You shrugged and hit the throttle. Sure enough, your body jerked forward, forced to pull ahead by the grip of tires and the engine’s pull.
“Does anyone listen? Anyone at all? Can we disqualify them?” Jisung looked around at different staff members. “Call a foul or something.”
“I don’t think there’s fouls in go-karting, hyung.”
“Invent them.”
Felix headed out for fourth place.“See you at the finish line.” He leaned back and cruised along. “Yippy!”
The rest of the guys rushed forward, trying to pull ahead of one another. Minho and Chan battled for fifth place. Jisung ended up stuck behind Changbin. Changbin’s kart sat dead center of the track. Seungmin continued keeping his momentum in the lead.
Hyunjin’s fingers tightened around the steering wheel. He reached up and gripped his hat with the other hand. Still at the starting line, he hadn’t taken off. “Waluigi, away!” He slammed his foot into the pedal, but he didn’t go anywhere.
His lips curled into a frown and he tried again. “Waluigi, away!” He stomped the pedal again. He adjusted the wheel and pointed forward. “Away!”
When it didn’t work again, he stared down at the steering wheel. A staff member zoomed the camera on him. “Um, help? My go-kart isn’t going. Can someone fix it?”
Just as a staff member hurried his way, Hyunjin shifted his other foot to adjust his footing. The engine roared and he jerked forward. With a gasp, he curled both hands around the wheel tighter. “Woah! It’s working! Oh…” He tapped the pedal again. “Oh, I pressed the brake instead of the gas.”
He snorted, letting a hand come up to cover his mouth in a giggle. His body shook and he clapped his hands. “Pabo. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot. I seriously thought it was broken.”
Jisung rounded a distant corner, leaving Hyunjin’s view. He laughed for a few more moments, but he froze when he realized none of the other members were still in sight. He gasped and pressed the correct pedal. “Oh no, I’m in last! I can’t be in last and lose to Kim Seungmin. My dignity is on the line. Waluigi away, WAAAAAAAAH!” His body slammed back into the seat as he sailed forward.
A producer’s mouth shook. She shoved the heel of her palm into her lips, trying to keep her composure. The video director lost it and fell into a fit of laughter. Another thing to edit out in post production.
The go-pros, molded to fit each go-kart, captured everyone’s reactions as they raced. Seungmin drifted around another corner and curled his fingers through the top rope of a mystery box. His kart slowed slightly, but he kept one hand on the wheel. Using the other, he fumbled with the folded flaps.
Shoving a hand inside the box, he hoped it was a lightning bolt. Nothing would be funnier than just starting the race and already striking everyone out. To his surprise, he pulled out a red and white speckled mushroom. Beady eyes stared at him, waiting to see what he’d do. It was about the size of his palm.
He huffed and flung it backwards, not really remembering what it did. Behind him, Jeongin tried to catch up, but there was a good five meters between them. The kart was going as fast as it could. Unless someone could gain a power-up, Seungmin was in the lead and he’d stay there. He grumbled beneath his breath, trying to figure out how to catch up.
The power-ups were a relief. The moment he started to scoop up a box, he briefly took his eyes off Seungmin and that was all it took. Seungmin’s launched mushroom bounced backwards and Jeongin’s go-kart bumped into it. “Wait! That’s not fair, I–”
A whistle blew loudly from a staff member, signaling everyone to stop. “Mushroom!” They yelled. “Everyone stops for ten seconds.”
The moment you heard it, you braked. It took a few seconds for everyone to come to a halt. In the distance, you watched Jeongin throw his hands up in the air. “This isn’t fair! He started before everyone else and now he gets a power-up to take us out?”
Seungmin’s menacing laugh faded in the distance. In your head, you silently counted towards ten. Seungmin’s wheels blurred while he raced along. Thrilled to be taking curves and not being forced to play defense, he whistled. No matter how stupid the Bowser onesie looked, he no longer felt stupid.
Minho’s car stopped a few centimeters in front of Chan’s. He turned around and narrowed his eyes at Chan. “Don’t think this will stop me. Princess Daisy is going to make Luigi weep.”
Chan’s dimples appeared. He giggled before leaning forward to heckle Minho. “Aren’t we both good guys? We should work as a team.”
“And that’s why I’m a princess and you’re not.”
“Nepo baby.”
Minho’s sharpness disappeared. He slumped back in his cart, as if he’d suddenly been defeated. “Wait, is she?”
All Chan could do was throw his head in the air. He laughed and offered a shrug. While the pair pondered, they didn’t hear the whistle blow, signaling the end of ten seconds. They didn’t know until Jisung’s red kart appeared. He swerved between the pair and moved up two places. “Excuse me, coming through, thank you!”
“Huh?”
“HEY! HAN JISUNG GET BACK HERE!”
When you started moving again, you realized catching up with Seungmin was pointless. When the whistle blew, Jeongin took off again. You’d accidentally pressed the wrong pedal, giving him a few extra seconds of a head start. Plus, he was already ahead anyway.
Wind in your hair, Yoshi hat on your head, you decided to try your best. Winning was life or death to some people, but you didn’t care much about the trophy. You wanted to focus on having fun for once. Some of the Skz Code videos had to be edited and changed for your sake. The staff members did their best to accommodate you and you were grateful, but you wanted everyone to have fun without feeling like you were ruining things.
The mystery boxes were scattered along the track. You shifted your steering wheel and grabbed one. It took some time to steady yourself, steering with one hand and opening the box with the other. Inside the box, three palm-sized gold coins appeared. Your eyes widened and a grin appeared on your face. “Perfect.”
The track went on for quite a ways. Seungmin started singing Phoenix while he zoomed ahead. Jeongin yelled a few threats, but they went ignored. He either didn’t hear them or he did, but he wouldn’t give Jeongin the satisfaction of distracting him.
When Felix grabbed a box and opened it, he gasped. A plush green and yellow shell appeared. He narrowed his eyes and threw the box off the track. It landed on the other side of the ring of tires. “I’m coming for you!”
You heard the threat from behind, but you kept your eyes on Jeongin and the bare track. You’d tucked the coins in your lap, so they wouldn’t fly away while you drove. Felix curled his arm back and threw.
The turtle shell caught gravity and hovered through the air. Whipping and curling, he had high hopes, but when it landed on the other side of the track, he gasped. “Are you serious? I wasn’t aiming that way!”
“Can’t catch me,” you teased.
He glared at your back and adjusted his gloved hands. “Oh, it’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong now. You’ve messed with Mario. Prepare for the plunger.” He pressed the gas down further, attempting to catch up with you.
Jeongin’s Donkey Kong tie flapped in the wind behind him. Messy tufts of black hair whipped around another curve. Seungmin drove so far ahead, when you glanced over on the distant track, you couldn’t see him. You quickly snapped your attention back to the road, defending yourself against Felix.
Behind Felix, Jisung whistled to himself. Minho and Chan bickered and fought for sixth place. Just when the tip of a kart pulled ahead of the other, the other inched forward to take the lead. The battle came to a screeching halt when the pair passed by scattered mystery boxes without stopping. When Minho noticed, he hit the brake instantly and stopped himself in the center of the track.
With a flush of worry, Chan stopped his own kart and glanced back. “Are you good?”
Hyunjin’s purple kart came sputtering along from behind. One hand gripping his hat and the other easing on the brake, he slowed down. Minho stood up from his kart and walked over to one of the mystery boxes. Tutu fluttering in the wind, he bent down, picked it up, and ripped the flaps open.
“Hyung, what are you doing? You’re in the way!”
Minho didn’t respond to Hyunjin’s observation. Instead, he chucked the box in his direction, walked back to his car, and tossed the turtle shell at a nearby Chan. It bounced off the back of his go-kart with ease. “Ten second pause for you.”
“Huh? Wait…”
“See you at the finish line.” The deadpan words were said with zero mercy. Minho dropped back into his go-kart, pressed the gas, swerved around Chan, and hurried to catch up with Jisung.
Hyunjin pointed and laughed at Chan. “Haha! The L in Luigi stands for loser!”
Chan’s eyes narrowed. He jerked himself out of the kart and headed towards the nearest mystery box. The staff members tried to space them out enough, so the guys wouldn’t drive over and crush them with their karts. He ripped open the flaps to reveal another turtle shell.
Hyunjin’s face fell immediately. He held up his hands to proclaim his innocence. “Wait, wait, wait, WAIT!”
A smirk appeared on one side of Chan’s face.
“I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! PLEASE DON’T! I’M ALREADY IN LAST! HAVE MERCY ON WALUIGI! WAAAAAAH”
And that was how ordinary Luigi proved how ruthless he truly was.
~ ~ ~
“I’m coming for you!”
“Why won’t this stupid thing drive faster?”
“I’m gaining on you!”
“Stop it! Hit the brakes! I thought you loved me!”
Seungmin grinned and leaned forward in his go-kart. Changbin tried to keep ahead of him, but it wasn’t working well. So busy trying to stay steering the same way, he forgot to block an approaching Seungmin from behind. Already in the second race, the two were battling for first place.
Behind them, you held your spot in fifth. Grumbles came from behind you. Hyunjin’s wah’s taunted you from behind. Meanwhile, Bang Chan laughed as he started to swerve between the vehicles and overtake their spots. You didn’t know how he went from last place to third, but he did. He passed you two curves ago and left you dazed.
Along the sides of the tracks, staff members with different cameras filmed all your moves. Lenses shifted inward and zoomed out. A staff member rushed forward, changing their angle to a mystery box that Minho approached. He shoved an arm up and scooped it up with ease. A knitted star already sat in his lap. When he pulled out another, he snickered.
“They’ll never know what hit them,” he mumbled beneath his breath. He tucked the pair between his legs, trying to keep them safe and hidden from the others. What they didn’t know now would work out in his advantage later.
You slammed on the brakes to your kart hard and slammed forward. Your body left the seat for a few seconds before slamming back down. Not far away, the bushy tail of a black squirrel twitched. Its nose scrunched up. Whatever it found on the trail path, tiny hands shoved it into the side of its cheek.
“Haha!” Hyunjin’s kart swung around yours. Hair flying in the wind, he sped forward.
“Wait!” You cried out in a panic. “Hyunjin, stop! There’s a–”
“SQUIRREL, MOVE!” He waved a frantic hand. “MOVE! MOVE! PLEASE!”
The squirrel stayed put for a few seconds. The purr of the approaching motor caused it to freeze in a panic. As Hyunjin grew closer, it launched to the side, scampered over the rubber tires, and took off away from the track.
Heart hammering in your chest, you let out a sigh and slowly eased a foot back on the gas. Hyunjin glanced at the squirrel, making sure it was off the road as he continued speeding ahead.
“You nearly just killed an innocent squirrel,” you called after him.
“I’ve got a race to win!”
Feeling newfound vengeance for the squirrel, you shoved a foot on the throttle and propelled yourself forward. A faint shriek left your mouth as the engine launched you forward. A dip in the track twisted your stomach. For a brief moment, you felt like you were flying.
When your engine grew louder, Hyunjin grabbed a stuffed banana and threw it ahead of him. “Eat my banana!”
You steered your car to the right, avoiding it completely as you overtook Hyunjin. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t think about following the path you took. Instead, his go-kart flew over the knitted banana, squashed it, and then continued forward.
“Banana for Hyunjin!” A staff member yelled. “Spin him!”
Hyunjin’s foot left the gas instantly. “Spin me? Wait! Wait! You can’t do that! I didn’t mean to hit the banana, it was meant for–”
Before he could finish, two of the staff members were upon him. They each grabbed a side of his go-kart and spun it around, so he was no longer facing the finish line. He threw his head back and wailed while the staff members rushed away. A third captured the entire scene with a camera.
“Hi, Hyunjin!” Felix grinned with a frantic wave. His kart rushed forward so fast, half the backing of his fake sticky mustache flapped in the wind. “Bye, Hyunjin!” He zoomed by, passing him with ease.
“This isn’t fair! I’ll show all of you that Waluigi isn’t to be messed with!” He turned the wheel and tried to hit the gas. The go-kart didn’t budge. “Dang it! That’s the brake!”
While he struggled to maintain the place he once had, the rest of you continued racing for the finish line. You grabbed another mystery box and tucked more coins in your lap. Changbin and Seungmin battled for first and Chan crept towards seconds.
Halfway through the race, you needed an upperhand, but Chan was good at defense. When you thought you found an opening to get ahead of him, he’d swing his kart and block you from gaining to third. You didn’t think you’d be this competitive, but ego took over when you zoomed through the track. It was impossible not to take part in all the excitement.
Somewhere near the back, Jisung puttered nearby the squirrel that hung out near the tracks. A cheek poked out far from whatever it’d tucked into its mouth. “Look!” He pointed out. “It looks kinda like me!”
“Hyung, you think everything looks like you.” Jeongin sped up from behind him.
“I do not!” Jisung waved to a nearby staff member. “Can you take a photo?” He raised his voice. “Send it to me, so I can keep it for safe-keeping. Please.”
And that’s all it took for Jeongin to swerve around him and gain another place forward.
When Seungmin and Changbin continued bickering, they missed two mystery boxes. Chan swerved around one, trying to keep you from third place. You slowed to grab it and busted open the flaps. When a yellow lightning bolt sat in your hands, you raised an eyebrow until you remembered what it did.
You jerked it up high above your head. “Lightning bolt!”
A sharp whistle blew from the same staff member that navigated the power-ups. “Lightning activated. Everyone stop your car for ten seconds.”
Chan scoffed in part shock and part amusement when he halted. You gassed it and hurried right past him. Seungmin and Changbin parted ways for you to get through them. Seungmin shoved himself back in his kart. He spit out the words sarcastically. “Oh no, lightning.”
“AH! WE’RE GONNA DIE!” Changbin threw himself forward and twitched over the steering wheel.
Seungmin had forgotten they were supposed to pretend they were struck by lightning, so the editors could edit in special effects. Instead of acting, he started laughing. Clutching his chest, his body quivered with a shortness of breath.
The rest of the guys did their best to put on a show. Jisung slumped over the side of his kart and quivered. Hyunjin shrieked and kicked up his legs, kicking the air. Jeongin’s head tipped to the side and his tongue poked out for a few seconds before he quickly sat back up.
“Wait a minute, are we supposed to play dead or act like we got struck by lightning?”
Felix took first place for acting. He’d unbuckled himself, rolled into the middle of the track, and somehow rolled his eyes back into his head. “I think I can see my brain.”
It didn’t matter that he was in last and it didn’t matter that you took first place after that, he was just thrilled to have a good time with his members.
~ ~ ~
Before the third race, Jisung asked for a break and you were happy to oblige. You lined your go-kart back up at the starting line and moved all the coins on your lap. You were certain you had enough for a good power-up. Deep down, you were hoping for a mushroom.
The moment you eased yourself upright, you winced. The back of your calves cramped and protested. Reaching down, you rubbed soothing circles along the tense muscles. From the way your body was positioned in the go-kart, it must have been too much for your body to handle. You hated knowing that basic situations caused your body to protest.
It wasn’t fair. People always say life isn’t fair, but it really wasn’t fair. No matter how much you tried to mentally stay upbeat, you secretly envied those around you who didn’t have to worry about their health as much. You never asked for a nervous system disorder. You wanted a normal life, but your body couldn’t provide that for you.
Some days, it wasn’t only a physical issue. Mentally speaking, it drained you more than you’d like to admit. The heaviness festered within you and draped over your shoulders. While the rest of the guys laughed and joked around, you struggled to get your legs to work properly.
“Hey, hot shot!” Felix approached you with a grin. “How does it feel to be in first place?”
“I’m not. Seungmin won the last race. In terms of points, I think he’s ahead.”
“Doesn’t matter. You were great out there.” He reached forward to steady your wobble. The grin instantly faded, causing guilt to erupt within your heart. “Is everything okay?”
“Muscle cramps.”
“Shoulders?”
“Legs.”
He wrapped an arm around your waist. “Come on, let’s sit somewhere out of the sun. I think the staff members have snacks and drinks inside. It’s getting too warm for my liking.”
While the two of you walked inside, Changbin and Seungmin continued bickering over who won second place. Staff members were rewinding the footage to see who crossed over the finish line first. A few more staff members continued filming as you all walked back towards the interior building.
Inside the brick building, air conditioning hit you full force. You reached up and took off the Yoshi hat on your head. Strands of hair stuck up in every direction, but Felix saved the day. He reached up and gently brushed your hair back down. “To be camera ready,” he joked.
The moment you sat down in a chair, Minho appeared with a box of Pepero. His own face appeared on the front of the red box with half a heart. Since you were all working with the brand to promote it and your faces were on the boxes, the company added Pepero into the snack stashes as much as they could.
He tugged out one of the cookie sticks coated in milk chocolate and pushed it towards your mouth. “Open up, it’s Pepero time.”
For once, you didn’t disagree. Your lips parted instantly and you bit down on the stick the moment it was in your mouth. As chocolate exploded against your tongue, you savored the crunch and the sweetened flavor. At this point, you were certain Minho knew what you needed before you knew what you needed.
You pushed your legs out straight and sank back in your chair. Felix patted your head lightly. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.”
“I’m not sleepy.”
“Your eyes say something different, they’ve drooped. You can’t hide it from us.”
“Shh. Let the sleepy baby eat the Pepro. It’s good for children and adults alike,” Minho whispered.
“I’m not a child,” you protested.
“You’re letting me feed you like one.”
You shot a glare at Minho. He laughed and reached for another Pepero stick. “It’s okay, I like taking care of you.”
“We all do,” Felix agreed.
As the minutes ticked onward, you started to feel better. Your muscles eased and with the help of the food in your system, you felt prepared to race again. The others looked just as anxious to get back to racing as you did. Jisung’s glance kept going to the wall of windows that overlooked the outdoor track. Large rectangular windows showed glimpses of the outside.
Most staff members left their cameras outside on camera stands. Some placed their handheld cameras down, so they could grab something from the snacks they brought along. Circular tables speckled part of the building’s interior. The building held a small inside restaurant, but it wouldn’t be open today. Everyone agreed it wasn’t necessary for the shoot.
Changbin brushed his fingers through the strands of blonde along his sides. The Princess Peach wig fell down his back. Pieces of bangs had been sealed into place with multiple shots of hairspray. The ends tangled together from the wind catching it and knotting the synthetic pieces together.
Bang Chan worked with furrowed eyebrows. He slowly undid the knots and used his fingers to brush the long strands back. While he worked, Changbin bounced up and down on his feet.
The only one who didn’t seem ready to go back to racing was Jeongin. He slumped over one of the tables with his phone out. His thumb moved over the screen and he tapped rapidly. The monkey ear headband along his head slumped backwards. His tie perched itself sideways, but he didn’t care.
“Look at this squirrel.” Jisung held his phone in Jeongin’s direction. “He looks like me.”
Jeongin briefly glanced up before looking back to his phone. “Looks like a squirrel. You still look more like a quokka.”
“How can you not see it?” Jisung dropped his phone and leaned over the table. “Can you see it now?” He blew air into one of his cheeks, causing it to poke out.
Jeongin didn’t look up from his phone. “Nope, don’t see it.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Be honest, Seungmin, do these suspenders look good on me?” Hyunjin shifted and popped out a hip. “I can’t remember the last time I wore suspenders, but these are doing something for me.”
“Hmm, yeah, totally.” Seungmin crunched down on his own Pepero stick. “Making you like a total nerd. Feels right up your alley.”
Hyunjin huffed and stomped towards you and the others. “Guys, do these suspenders look good on me? Seungmin can’t give me an honest answer.”
“That was an honest answer,” Seungmin chimed in as he followed from behind. “I told you how I really felt. They make you look like a nerd. All you need is a pair of black glasses with a band-aid holding them together in the middle.”
Hyunjin grumbled and reached for his long sleeves. He grabbed the silk fabric, unclasped a button, and rolled up the sleeve to reveal a bare forearm. As he worked, you lightly nudged Felix’s rib cage and towards Hyunjin’s hat. The baseball cap sat on an angle. Felix reached his arm up and readjusted the plum hat. “Now you look like a proper Waluigi.”
“I can’t believe Mario understands me out of everyone here.”
“I agree with Seungmin,” Minho added. “Nerd alert.”
“How dare you–” He curled his fists and stepped forward, but he retreated when Minho shot him a glare. He stepped back immediately and started apologizing.
You pushed yourself upright to settle them. “Guys, let's not fight. We have to race again and we…” Your words quieted and trailed off. “We um…”
Tunnel vision morphed and funneled. Dots speckled and swirled. The voices you could once hear clearly dissolved into a muffled noise. The room tipped and swirled. Shaky fingers reached out to grab the table in front of you, but you missed.
By the time the guys realized what was happening, you were already on the floor. Staff members froze in their spots. The camera director rushed forward, but he couldn’t get through the guys that’d already circled around you. Felix softly called your name, lightly shaking your shoulder. Minho’s fingers brushed through your hair, trying to make sure you didn’t crack open the back of your skull.
“What happened?” Changbin gripped the edges of his skirt and walked closer. “Should we call an ambulance?”
Minho shook his head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think they’re bleeding.” He shoved back the long strands of his own wig.
Chan’s fingers left Changbin’s wig and he walked over. His hand curled over Minho’s shoulder. His lips pursed at the sight of your pale face. It wasn’t the first time you fainted around them, but it never failed to pinch their hearts with anxiety.
Felix called your name softly again.
“We should have noticed,” Seungmin mumbled.
Hyunjin’s playful energy dissolved instantly. He no longer worried about his suspenders or his hat. His focus was now on you. Everyone was focused on you. Even Jeongin glanced up and hurried over when the thud sounded.
“Does anyone have ice? Let’s give them space. Don’t crowd them.” Chan gave Minho’s shoulder a light squeeze and pulled away. He stood upright and waved some of the others back.
The whole situation happened so fast, it was only about a minute, but it felt like hours. Your eyebrows furrowed first. The faintest groan bellowed from the depths of your stomach and through your vocal chords. Felix’s thumb brushed between the wrinkles along your eyebrows.
“Easy there, don’t try to get up.”
You mumbled his name and attempted to open your eyes. The moment your eyes opened, the world spun again. You squeezed them shut and swallowed, trying to fight the brewing nausea.
Minho reached up and lightly poked your nose. “You gave us all a heart attack.”
“What’s new?” You croaked.
“Well, I’ve never seen a fainting Yoshi before.”
Snickers and faint laughter filled the air. Minho beamed at his own joke, thrilled to break the tension. The room felt like it could breathe again. Staff members eased back into their seats.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Felix asked.
“Fainting. Scaring the shit out of everyone. Wasting the storage on the SD cards in the cameras.” Your voice must have come out far louder than you intended it to.
Changbin scurried forward in front of the nearest camera. One of the staff members still had it rolling, but he’d placed it down when everything happened with you. The camera continued recording and angled upright. Changbin stood in front and waved rapidly.
“Film me! Watch this! I’m super shy, super shy!”
The dance moves to the NewJeans song came out with ease. He hadn’t danced to the song in a while, but it was easier to distract a filming camera than have you worry about it.
“Look at that! Someone join me!”
Jisung slid into the frame and picked up the moves instantly. Sneakers scraped along the floor as they moved and fell into perfect sync. Changbin continued singing, shaking his shoulders to give a spectacular performance.
“I feel like a burden,” you mumbled.
“This isn’t a burden. A burden is what happens when Hyunjin comes over and clogs our toilet.” Seungmin folded his arms over his chest.
You froze in shock. Minho snorted. Felix jerked his head and shoved his forming smile into his shoulder, trying not to laugh. Chan spun around and scratched the back of his head, acting like he didn’t hear anything. It was Jeongin whose face morphed into horror. Eyes scrunched in disgust, nose wrinkled, he broke the sudden silence.
“Ew!”
Hyunjin’s cheeks flush red instantly. “Shut up! It was one time! It’s not my fault the restaurant gave me food poisoning!"
Seungmin tsked and shook his head. “You weren’t the one who had to call the plumber and I’m not talking about Mario and Luigi here.”
Hyunjin’s hands shook frantically. “No, no! That’s not what happened! There wasn’t a–”
“There most certainly was. We had to replace the entire toilet and everything. That room smelled like hot ass for nearly an entire week afterwards. No amount of air freshener diminished the sour hell that you left in the pipes.”
“It’s not like you couldn’t afford it!” Hyunjin threw his hands up in the air.
“It’s a matter of dignity and you used yours to clog my favorite toilet. I might forgive, but I won't forget and neither will my nose.”
Small squeaks of laughter escaped Chan’s chest. He curled his arms around his shaking body and sank to the floor. Jisung stumbled from his own laughter and crashed into Changbin. The two of them both toppled to the floor, sending more fits of laughter around the entire room.
You didn’t feel great, but you even started laughing, unable to help it. The angle of Hyunjin scowling with his arms crossed over his chest. His squeaky black boot tapping against the floor in pure annoyance was hysterical. He glanced down and took his attention to you.
“I’m glad you find my tummy troubles humorous. You all laugh now, but when your bowels rumble and you clog a toilet, this won’t be so funny anymore.”
“It’s not that you clogged a toilet, it’s that a plumber had to come in and–”
“AH!” Jeongin shrieked and shoved hands over his eyes. “No! No! No more! My eyes! My brain! My nose!”
Hyunjin’s face softened at Jeongin’s horror. “At least there’s one person not laughing at me.”
“From now on, you’re never allowed to use Chan and I’s bathroom.”
“Oh, come on!”
“Do you think you can sit up now?” Minho turned his attention back to you. “Do you need water?”
“My stomach hurts far more than my head. I guess laughter is the best medicine.” You didn’t fight as he grabbed your wrists and helped pull you into a seated position.
Felix shifted behind you and kept his arms out, just in case you fell back again. “We’ve got you no matter what.”
“Unless you clog someone’s toilet,” Hyunjin grumbled, “and then they’ll leave you on your own and laugh at you.”
Before you were back to your feet, you found yourself laughing once again.
~ ~ ~
“Are you sure?” Jisung’s eyes sparkled in front of you. He stood in front of your go-kart and didn’t move. The mushroom beanie kept his longer hair pressed down.
All nine of you were lining back up to start the third race. It took a few minutes for everyone to settle themselves inside the building, but you were certain you wanted to complete the rest of the races. You didn’t want to miss out and you’d worked hard to be in the top four during the first two races.
“Of course, I’m sure. If I need to stop, I’ll stop. Until then, I’m ready to kick ass and get the trophy.”
“I’m holding you to that,” Minho yelled across the way. “Everyone heard that. No take backs.”
“On again like Donkey Kong!”
“It’s-ah me, Mario! Yippy!”
“It’s me, Princess Peach! Hehe!” Changbin twirled a synthetic strand of blonde hair around his finger again. He spoke in a high-pitched voice.
“Meeska Mooska, Mickey Mouse!”
Felix jerked himself upright in his go-kart. “Woah! Who did that? That was spot on!”
You waved your hand towards him. His jaw dropped in shock. Jisung laughed and took his spot next to you. “You can do Mickey Mouse too?”
“I can do a lot of things.”
“Let's go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!” Seungmin rocked himself, trying to inch the go-kart forward. He didn’t hit the gas pedal again, but he wanted to. It took everything inside of him to leave this race a fair one.
Some of the guys had exchanged coins for power-ups, but you kept your coins safe inside the building. You didn’t feel a hundred percent, but the guys made you rest for a few minutes before everyone came back outside to finish the races. You cracked your knuckles and waited for the whistle to blow.
Some of the members kept stealing glances your way. You hated when they fawned over you, but they couldn’t help themselves. Even now, they had to trust you and trust you to speak up if you needed help. There were days you waited until the last moment before asking for assistance. It’d been tricky to find the balance between overbearing members and establishing your independence.
The rumble of engines started and you started your own engine. It hummed to life beneath the green frame. You’d readjusted the Yoshi hat on your head and you were prepared to do whatever it took to win. Not everyone had power-ups, so you were focused on grabbing mystery boxes and working your way up to the front of the track kart-by-kart. If you rushed to the front, you were certain you’d be halted by a turtle shell or a banana.
“Are you all ready?” Changbin asked.
“Yep.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Skrt!”
“Let’s go!”
He flashed a big thumbs up to the staff member and then the whistle blew. You didn’t hit the gas pedal right away. As the others zoomed ahead, you gave a few second head start to them before racing off and sliding into 5th place. In front of you, Hyunjin shrieked as he powered through the wind. It’d picked up since you were inside, making everyone feel like they were flying.
Staff members rushed further ahead to different sections of the track, trying to capture a multitude of angles. Once again, Seungmin took first place. For having a onesie and looking silly, he sure did race well. This was the second race that he’d taken the lead on.
“Kim Seungmin, enjoy first place while it lasts!” Minho taunted behind him.
“And you can kiss it while you’re back there.”
“WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME, PUNK?”
“I said,” Seungmin sucked in a deep breath, “kiss it!”
Minho reached into the ruffles of orange around his leg and grabbed a turtle shell. He lobbed it towards Seungmin. It flew with a perfect arch, flying through the air with the greatest of ease, but Seungmin sensed it. He jerked his wheel instantly, causing the shell to sail past him and hit the pavement.
“Jerk!”
Seungmin’s laughter continued to enrage him. All nine of the go-karts curled around the track and through another loop. The track contained multiple curves that used to throw you off. By the third time, you were finally used to navigating how the curves went. The first race, you were all a little unnerved by the unfamiliar track, but by this point, you were prepared to do whatever it took to win.
You gunned it, sailing after Hyunjin. When mystery boxes came into view, you scooped one up and shoved it into your lap. It wasn’t easy to rip open the flaps with one hand, but you managed to do it. A banana with beady black eyes stared at you when you opened the box. You grinned and threw the box to the side. It sailed over the line of tires and off the track.
Hyunjin sang some song you didn’t know. You gripped the banana tighter and threw it with all your might. Just when you thought you’d hit the right target, it sailed forward and slammed into Felix’s back.
“Wahahah! Banana!” Hyunjin taunted him.
Felix slammed on the brakes. For once, he’d finally been towards the front of everyone. “Are you serious? Who hit me?”
“I’m sorry!” You and Hyunjin swerved around him. “I meant to hit Hyunjin.”
“You’ll pay for this!”
Staff members appeared from the sides of the track. Just as they spun Felix’s go-kart around, a high-pitched scream came from the distance. Jeongin held a star plushie above his head hooting and hollering. Felix watched in disbelief as Jeongin passed him.
By the time Felix maneuvered his go-kart back in the right direction, he was in last place. He scowled and drove forward, but this was the third race. He’d been near last place so many times, it was pointless to try and win now. The third race was almost over.
“Turtle shell for you! Take this!” Chan tossed the shell at Changbin. “And one for you!” He swung another and it bounced perfectly off of Jisung’s kart. “Nice knowing you!”
Changbin scoffed. Jisung groaned and slumped back in his kart. The two of them were doomed. Forced to take a ten second pause, at least they were suffering alone. Just when they thought the time was up, Minho activated a mushroom, causing everyone to halt for ten seconds. He proudly sailed over the finish line, stopped his go-kart, whirled around to face Seungmin, and stuck his tongue out at him.
It took everything inside of Seungmin not to raise the middle finger and tell him to go fuck himself.
~ ~ ~
You didn’t have much hope of gaining first place in the last race. The adrenaline started to wear off and you were just about ready for everything to be over. You sucked in a deep breath and sighed. The star plushie you’d bought with your coins sat on your lap. You wanted a mushroom or a lightning strike, but you didn’t have enough coins.
Most of the others were inside purchasing items. After buying yours, you drank half a bottle of water and returned to your go-kart. A few empty go-karts away, Changbin glanced in your direction when he heard your sigh.
“Are you good over there?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired from the day’s events. I don’t think that fainting spell helped.”
“Probably not, but I’m glad you feel better.”
“Me too.”
He looked down at the three turtle shells in his hands, before glancing back at you. “Wanna make an alliance? I think we should target Lee Know and Seungmin. If you don’t try and hit me, I won’t hit you with my turtle shells.”
You considered it for a few seconds. “How do I know you’re being honest?”
“I’ll give you a turtle shell to prove it.” He reached out and extended a pink-gloved arm.
You stared at the shell and shook your head. “Nah, I trust you. Your aim is probably better than mine. Sure, I’ll take you up on your alliance.”
“Thank god, the more people I have on my side, the better. I already have Chan, Jisung, and Jeongin. Felix has declined and when I asked Hyunjin, I don’t think he was listening. He started twirling around and disappeared inside.”
You let out a laugh, knowing how silly it must have looked. Hyunjin had a song in his head all day and everyone was aware. He kept singing it when he zoned out. A staff member told him to keep it to a minimum for copyright purposes, but you didn’t think he’d been listening.
“What are you two laughing about?” Seungmin strolled to his go-kart and slung a leg inside the low resting frame. “Prepared to lose this round again?”
“Your pride will be your downfall,” Changbin announced. He adjusted in his own kart and tugged the gloves higher up on his elbows. He cracked his fingers and curled them around the steering wheel.
Murmurs and laughter came from the building. Bang Chan struggled to get into his go-kart. His arms overflowed with stuffed plushies. A turtle shell fell and bounced near Felix’s kart. Just when Chan bent down to pick it up, another shell dropped and rolled.
“Dang it,” he mumbled beneath his breath. He walked over and reached for that one, only to lose a mushroom. He adjusted his reach before bending down and a star toppled to the ground.
Minho pointed and laughed. Jeongin climbed back out of his cart and walked over. “Hyung, you’re losing all your stuff.”
“I’m not trying to.” Chan adjusted his arms. Two more plushies dropped to his feet and rolled in opposite directions. He used his chin to catch another slipping mushroom. “I spent all my coins, I want to get first this time.”
“You’re not going to get anywhere if your aim is as bad as your ability to carry things.” Seungmin joked.
Jisung’s eyes widened and a squeak came from him. He pinched his lips shut in an attempt to hold back his laughter, but instead, a noise that resembled a trumpet came out. As everyone laughed, Jeongin tried to gather some of the items Chan had dropped.
A staff member came over carrying a mystery box. “Here, use this. Put everything in it and keep it in your lap.”
Chan sighed in relief. “Thank you, you’re a lifesaver.” He stood still while Jeongin unloaded the items from his hands and placed them into the box the staff member held.
Finally geared up and ready to go, you set your eyes on the pavement ahead. The track expanded forward quite a distance before it looped. From what you knew from your previous placements, you were certain you wouldn’t be in last place. That’s the only thing that mattered. As long as you weren’t in last place, you’d be happy.
Engines purred, a whistle blew, and then you were off. Shooting forward, tires squealing on concrete, rubber burnt, and then there were screams. Hoots and hollers from jubilant lungs. Adrenaline pumped through their veins and the wind shot them forward. Each one raced for first, but only fate would allow one to cross the finish line.
You kept a leg of the star tucked safely under an elbow. As you maneuvered each curve, you glided through the others. Chan kept his box upright between his forearms. When Seungmin tried to cut him off, Chan whacked the back of his head with a turtle shell.
“That shouldn’t count!” Seungmin protested. “He tried to concuss me!”
“Sore loser,” Minho taunted. He sped up, tailing behind Chan’s go-kart. As long as he kept an eye on Chan and didn’t pass him, he could go for second place. Not that it mattered much, he’d pretty much secured himself a slot in the top three places.
“Hey, stranger!” It was Jisung that settled his cart on the opposite side of yours. The two of you took up the rest of the track, keeping multiple other members behind you. “How about the two of us stay like this and call it even?”
You tried to count how many others were in front of you. So many were already pulling ahead. You’d never admit it out loud, but you were certain some of the go-karts were faster than the others. Minho and Seungmin always seemed to be either in first or second place.
“Give me a good reason why I shouldn’t go around you and cut you off?”
“Because we’re cool with one another,” Jisung quickly spat out. “There’s three others behind us and–”
You cut him off by gassing it. He watched with an open mouth. You jerked ahead and wedged yourself between Jeongin’s go-kart and the side panel. In a panic, Jeongin jerked the wheel to the side. He was once going down the track in the center of it, but not anymore.
“What are you doing? You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“It’s the last race, so I might as well go big or go home.”
“Don’t hurt yourself.”
“No promises.”
Jeongin regained his focus, but he kept an eye on you. He’d been worried about you since you fainted nearly an hour ago. Out of all the people there, he probably worried the most. You felt like a sibling and if something happened where you fainted in the middle of go-karting, he’d carry around the guilt for months. If something happened to you and he wasn’t there, he always felt guilty. No matter how many times you reassured him it was never his fault, it didn’t erase the band of guilt wrapped around his heart.
“Incoming!”
You gasped, nearly slamming on the brakes. A gap came between you and Jeongin. Jisung sped up and just barely missed colliding with the two of you. “Sorry!” He cried out as he flew by. “I hit the wrong pedal.”
“Wrong move, bucko!” Jeongin reached beneath his thigh and grabbed his hidden plush banana. When he was helping Chan with everything, he’d shoved one of the bananas into his back pocket.
The banana slammed into the back of an escaping Jisung. He swerved left and then right. Tires skidded along the tracks. Jisung shrieked, but quickly regained his steering, only to come to a stop. You started to laugh, but it was cut off when you sailed over the banana that hit Jisung.
“No!” You cried out as you came to a stop.
Two staff members spun Jisung’s cart around to face you. When he saw you not moving, he nearly climbed out of his cart, but he stopped when he watched the same staff members approach you. They picked up the back of your green kart and swiveled it, so you were stuck facing the others.
Jisung busted into a fit of laughter when he understood what was happening. The face down banana mocked you a few feet away. It stood with open peels, mocking you with its bright coloring.
“Ugh, this is so stupid!”
When the others passed by, you turned the wheel all the way to the side and hit the gas. It took you a few seconds before you were facing the right direction and speeding past Jisung again. His laughter cut off and he attempted to follow. Instead of chasing you and catching up, he slammed the front of his go-kart straight into the line of rubber tires. His kart bounced off and then flew backwards, causing him to slam back in his seat in shock.
The go-pro attached to the front of the frame shook and dropped to the ground. It landed face down and continued recording. Jisung quickly unbuckled himself and rushed towards it. “Oh no, oh no, oh no. Did I break the camera?” He lifted it up and checked everything. “Are you okay, Stay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drop you on your face like that.”
Meanwhile, those in the lead were gunning it for the finish line. Minho swerved rapidly behind Chan. In a desperate move to finish first, Chan lifted up the power-ups and started firing without looking. How on earth he’d gathered up so many coins, nobody knew. He practically bought all the items that were left in the store after the others made their purchases.
“Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Banana! Oh, another banana!” He giggled and continued steering with one hand. His kart drifted to the side, but he stopped throwing to realign it.
Minho slowed way down to drive through the maze of obstacles, but Changbin, Seungmin, and Hyunjin didn’t. Changbin pleaded for mercy, but a banana sent staff members sprinting across the track to turn him around. Seungmin sailed straight over his first banana of the game. Hyunjin’s taunting laughter was silenced when he hit a turtle shell and was forced to pause for ten seconds.
Threats were thrown Chan’s way, but none of them left a mark. He pulled out a mushroom and sent it flying backwards. The staff member with a whistle blew it sharply. “Mushroom! Everyone stop for ten seconds!”
“Mushroom! Mushroom! Mushroom! Mushroom! Lightning!” Bang Chan giggled, threw multiple power-ups behind him, and tossed the empty box to the side.
The staff member chuckled and counted the mushrooms before blowing her whistle again and informing everyone of the newfound fifty second pause and an added ten seconds of lightning strikes.
Shrieks of defeats sounded, but you used it to your advantage. You didn’t stop as you zoomed forward and held up your star. “Star power!”
You weaved between the stopped go-karts. Felix cheered your name loudly and clapped. “Go! Go! Go! Get him!”
Your go-kart shifted and bumped as you ran over a few of the plushies Chan had thrown, but they couldn’t stop you with the star power activated. You floored it, but in the end, Chan crossed the finish line first. It took about twenty seconds before you crossed it. You dropped the star in your lap and eased on the brakes.
“Nice driving, Charles Leclerc.” Chan reached out a hand and high-fived you. “Second place is pretty good.”
“I think the others are planning your death.”
“Worth it. I can’t wait to watch the video and see the looks on their faces.”
“Pure rage.”
He laughed in delight. The two of you talked and waited for the others to appear. Grumbles of defeat, huffs, and wails. When everyone crossed the finish line, the staff members started to tally up the results. You left your go-kart and rolled your neck around, trying to ease the tension.
Changbin kicked a stray pebble and watched it sail down the pavement. “I can’t believe I got nearly everyone to team up against Seungmin and Minho, but Chan ended up being the biggest threat.”
Chan’s dimples appeared and he innocently shrugged. “I told you I was going all in during the last race.”
“Waluigi is humiliated.” Hyunjin dropped his body to the ground and sprawled out on his back. “Wah… Waluigi claims defeat to Luigi.”
“How pitiful.” Minho walked over and lifted his foot. He dropped his shoe on Hyunjin’s stomach, pretending to stand on him. “Princess Daisy would never make a fool of herself and get her dress dirty. Waluigi has zero shame.”
“Wah is me,” Hyunjin whined sadly.
Jisung appeared beside you and dropped his head to your shoulder. Your arm naturally curled around his waist to steady him. Your head shifted to find his face. “Everything okay?”
He sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sulking. I know I didn’t drive as well as I wanted to. Driving a go-kart is hard when you’re not used to it.”
“Did you have fun?”
His head jerked up instantly. “Of course.” His left eyebrow quipped up. “Didn’t you have fun?”
“Mhm. That’s the only thing that matters. It’s not about perfection, it’s about having fun.”
“It’s certainly a memory I won’t forget.”
Seungmin adjusted the fabric of his Bowser hood once more. When a staff member stepped over and handed him the card with everyone’s placements, he scanned it. “Okay everyone, should we start in last place or do we skip to the top three winners?”
“Nobody cares about last place, read off the top three.” Jeongin propped his body up against a piece of nearby brick building.
The nine of you and staff members gathered beneath an overhead tin roof. It was near the starting line for go-karts. Only a few staff members appeared with their cameras to film everyone. The rest of the staff members set out to pick up the plushies, mystery boxes, and to turn off the go-pros attached to the go-karts.
“In that case, drumroll please.”
You and a few others tapped your hands on your thighs. As much as you wanted it to be you, you weren’t certain it would be. Throughout every race, you didn’t note what position you were in during the race. You should have, but you’d been so distracted and excited, you couldn’t focus.
“Third place goes to Bang Chan.”
Chan excitedly clapped his hands and bowed deeply. “I worked hard to be in the top three. I’m honored and I–”
“Yeah, nobody cares. Anyway, second place is Minho.”
“Huh?” Minho’s eyes widened. He pointed to himself. “Me? I got second place?”
Seungmin’s head shook. “Nah, I’m joking. I got second place and you took it home with first place.”
“Really?”
Seungmin nodded. Minho’s shocked face switched and filled with a smirk. “What did I tell you? Fight hard and you’ll be rewarded.”
“Uh.” Jeongin scratched the back of his head. “I don’t ever remember you saying that.”
A staff member tapped Felix on the shoulder. He glanced around to see a staff member hand him a plastic trophy. His face lit up as he took it. “Thank you. Hyung, I think this is for you.” He walked towards Minho with it lifted high above his head. “You can take it home and put it in a display case.”
A plastic golden star jutted out of a black circular frame. About the size of a human hand, it was smaller than you expected it to be. Despite it being plastic, Minho cradled it with both hands. He pulled it against his chest.
“Thank you to everyone for driving badly. South Koreans everywhere should pay attention while driving. Some of these idiots can legally drive and as you just saw, it’s not safe for people.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hey!”
“I’ve had my driver’s license longer than you.”
“Not cool dude.”
Minho grinned, squeezed his eyes shut, and held up his trophy proudly.
All you could do was laugh.
~ ~ ~
The excitement wore off and faded at the restaurant. With each bite of beef from the bubbling hot pot in front of you, a sleepy feeling washed over you. You did your best to consume a few bites of side dishes and some of the beef that Chan served you, but you were exhausted. The day took its toll on you heavily.
The others were pretty rowdy, but when they noticed your drooping eyes and the way your eating slowed down, they slowly toned down their volume. Chan placed a few more slices of cooked beef into a small glass dish. Minho took them and placed them in front of you.
“Eat a few more bites before you fall asleep. You’ll thank me when you don’t wake up starving. Eat up before it gets cold.”
You knew better than to protest against Minho’s demands. While one might find them a bit harsh, you knew it was out of love. You forced the chopsticks in your hand to move and curl around the soup-soaked beef.
All nine of you headed out for hot pot, courtesy of the company. Usually, you’d be a little more alert and interactive, but you didn’t have the energy anymore. Eating felt like it was taking the last bit of strength you had. You chewed quietly, breathing in the scents of food around you. Garlic, chili, daiko radish, bean sprouts, etc.
Mushrooms soaked up the spice from the distant spicy hot pot. Two tables were shoved together, so you could all sit down together. Half of you on one side and half on the other. You shoveled bean sprouts into your mouth and chewed. They’d coated up some of the beef flavor from the strips of beef. Everything tasted better than you ever imagined. Each swallow warmed your stomach and reminded you of home.
Beside you, Jeongin was still chewing his own food when you swallowed and gently leaned your head on his shoulder. He wasn’t a big fan of skinship, but he didn’t mind when it came from you. If anything, he liked knowing that you relied on him to keep you steady.
“Did you like racing as Yoshi?” His voice softened.
“Uh-huh.”
“Fourth place is pretty good.”
“Mhm.”
“Did you have enough to eat?”
“One more bite and I think I’ll fall asleep.”
Unbeknownst to you two, on the opposite side of the table, Hyunjin tugged out his phone and took a photo of the two of you. In the frozen frame, Jeongin looked at you with a softness that he didn’t tote around openly. Felix shifted back, so he could see the photo as well.
“They’re so cute,” Hyunjin cooed.
“Can you send me that?”
Hyunjin nodded and opened up his text messages, so he could send it to Felix. While Felix waited for it, he mumbled to himself. “Next time we race, if we race like this, I want to be Wario.”
“Wario or Mario, you still won’t get first place,” Seungmin taunted.
Felix stuck his tongue out in his direction. The three of them fell into a conversation about the day’s events, but they didn’t stop glancing over at you. Jeongin protectively made sure you were steady on his shoulder as you fought against your own exhaustion. It was one of those times that your body couldn’t fight it as much as you wanted to.
Jisung finished eating after you. He slumped back in his chair and rubbed his stomach. “I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s good, but I’m so full.”
“Poor thing.” Changbin reached over and patted Jisung’s stomach. “You ate well.”
“I really did.” He reached over and pushed the bottom of his chopsticks into his mouth. They slipped beneath his top lips. “Look I’m a walrus!”
You caught his voice and glanced over. He curled his top lip back, keeping the chopsticks in place. The moment you saw the dumb look on his face, you chuckled. “Good one.”
When the others noticed, they laughed. Minho reached over and pulled the chopsticks from his mouth. “We’re in a public restaurant.”
“Public restaurants can serve walruses.”
As the two bickered, your eyes fluttered shut. The clinking of ice against glasses, the murmurs sprinkled around the table, the warmth of Jeongin’s shoulder pressed against your cheek. Everyone was still in their Mario costumes. While Minho and Jisung bickered, they were still dressed as Princess Daisy and Toad. Minho refused to remove the plastic crown headband off his head.
While the rest consumed their food, you drifted off to sleep. When everyone finished and started to gather up stuff to leave, Jeongin quietly called Chan’s name. Chan stopped pushing in his chair and looked up.
“They’re asleep and I don’t want to wake them up, it’s been such a long day.”
Before Chan could do anything, Changbin stepped forward. “Don’t worry, I’ve got them. Stay still and I’ll move them. If someone wants to open the car door when we get out there, I can put them inside.”
You barely stirred when hands curled beneath your body. Your head went from Jeongin’s shoulder to Changbin’s chest. He hoisted your body with ease, not even breaking a sweat. Your sneakers dangled and so did one of your arms. Felix grabbed your wrist and carefully curled it over your body, so it didn’t bump into anything.
“They’re so precious,” Jisung whispered.
In the darkened parking lot, Changbin maneuvered between vehicles and approached Hyunjin’s car. It was the same car you’d come to the restaurant in. Your body shifted and you were slowly placed in a seat. Seungmin worked quickly, opening up the opposite car door and reaching across the bench seats. He grabbed the seat belt and pulled it across your body, trying to keep you upright.
“Can someone climb in, so they don’t fall over? I don’t want them leaned up against the window. If we hit a bump, they’ll hit their head.”
“I’ve got it.” Jeongin hoisted himself along the right side of you when Changbin pulled back.
Your head found itself back against Jeongin’s arm. Seungmin climbed into the other seat beside you. Felix found the passenger’s seat and Hyunjin headed for the driver’s door. The other four lingered, making sure everyone was properly inside the vehicle.
“Are you all good?” Chan asked, scanning the guys. “Do you have everything?”
“Wait!” Hyunjin shifted in his seat to face the back door. “Can you guys shift yourselves into the back seat? I want to take a group photo before we go. We’re still dressed up and I think this is the perfect moment.”
Outside, Jisung and Minho shared a look. Changbin’s hand came up and lightly shoved Jisung towards the car. “Come on, you heard him.”
It took about two minutes to get everyone into place. Hyunjin extended his arm forward, so he could capture everyone. Jisung ended up sitting on Felix’s lap in the passenger’s seat. Minho slouched over Seungmin’s lap. Changbin crawled into the trunk and posed behind the back row of seats. Chan slumped over Jeongin’s lap and grinned.
“Everyone smile!” Hyunjin’s face lit up and he adjusted the angle.
With your head drooped on Jeongin’s shoulder and unaware of what was happening, you were the only one who didn’t. Eyes shut and face relaxed, you stayed asleep throughout the whole thing. Hyunjin snapped one photo and then another and then another.
You wouldn’t know it was taken until two weeks later when you’d find a copy of it dead center on the fridge.
You might have struggled with your nervous system, but no matter what you struggled with, the guys had you and you had them; you were certain they’d be the reason you fought through every battle and lived a long, long life.
HAI, HAI, HAIIII!!I JUST FINISHED READING TASTEEEE!!! yea I was lowk soooo late, but ehemmm.... I LOVEEEEEDD ITT!!! im going to read no body no crime soon—and I was looking for ur tiktok so I could see some things but I lowk cant find it💔 ( please help me )
anyways, I loveeeeed tastee!!!! Im gonna read moreeeee of ur storyyy!!!! That's all thank u for that amazing book!!
Oh god, I'm getting war flashbacks. It's been like three years since I wrote Taste and so much has happened since then. No Body, No Crime remains my favorite thing that I've ever written. Good luck reading it. It's been nearly exactly three years since I wrote that and there are still days when I sit emotionally numb from that story.
You cannot find the TikTok page because I took it down. During that time, I was making videos and then I took them down because I didn't like them. I couldn't get the editing app I was using to work properly and I deleted everything out of frustration. You aren't missing anything by missing the TikToks, I promise. I thought I completely deleted any mentions of the TikTok page when I took that page down, but apparently I didn't. I'll have to go back in and take out the mentions of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read it and I hope you have fun reading other things!! There's a lot to read, a lot to explore, and I hope you have as much fun reading things as I had fun writing them <3
CAN I BEG LIKE A DOG FOR A SPOILER FOR THE NEXT STORY?
No need to beg haha, I've totally got you. I don't know exactly how many words it'll be, but it's currently over 10k words. I'm adding the final touches today and it'll be up later tonight. A 9th member comfort/hurt mixed with a lot of fluff and heavily focused on comedy.
Lab Rats, since it's the start of pride month, I want to take a moment to briefly reflect upon that and say happy pride month. To some of you, pride month might not mean much, but as a queer person who spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me, it means everything to me. It probably means a lot to others here too.
Whether you are part of the lgbtq+ community or not, you'll always be safe here. Whether you know who you are, you're still uncertain, or it's not safe for you to embrace who you want to be, you're safe here. For those who feel left out, for those who embrace themselves loudly, for those who don't know where they fit in, you are deeply loved and you matter; give yourself some credit for living in a world where everything is always changing.
Be kind to yourselves this month (and every month, obviously) This page has been a home for me and I hope it feels like home to you. Stray Kids has done a wonderful job at making everyone feel accepted into the fandom and I can only hope my page reflects that same spirit.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are needed and wherever you wish to go, no matter who you want to end up becoming, you will get there one day. May this pride month be a step-up into a becoming for some and a stepping out for those who have finally discovered who they want to be. Let's lift each other up this pride month and celebrate love everywhere
hi lie! i wrote this whole vent about something very completely unimportant, but im warning you its very very long. so you don't have to read it or worry about responding to all this! i debated whether i should send this or not a lot, lol. i don't know how you do it, you keep this space open for many people and welcome them, its very kind of you. if you end up reading this please take your time! i hope youre doing well, and that you and your sibling are safe and happy and healthy. take care of yourself! (there's a few long paragraphs after this. beware!)
hey lie! i wanted to tell someone about something, but im afraid they'll judge me.. so i hope you don't mind if i leave this here, it doesn't look like you mind when other people tell you things in your inbox. but still, ignore this if you wanted!!
sooo basically, in all my 17 years of living, I've never ever gone to see a dentist. honestly, i thought this was normal, that people didn't go to dentists as kids, unless there was something really wrong. recently though, I began to realize that wasn't really normal, and that usually people visited the dentist as a kid, as regularly as possible, under normal circumstances. my circumstances were very normal, but my parents just never took us, i guess. and the problem is that I've developed a bit a fear. but to the point where hearing about anything dental makes me shudder. i watched many videos when i was younger and saw pictures of tools and stuff to fill the gap in my head, and also be able to keep a conversation going. but i think that made it worse. now somehow im deathly afraid of the dentist without ever having gone.
im afraid of the tools, the lights, the chair, the sounds, the proximity and invasiveness and that position where you're basically under the dentist and have no control. it all seems scary, and the possibility that something might be wrong is scarier.
and then there's another thing im a bit mad at my mom for, but it's not entirely her fault. so, my mom had a missing tooth that never came in, she never had an adult canine after her baby one fell. just genetics. she kept saying I'll be like her because i generally inherited her teeth more than my father's. so when that tooth started wiggling to get out, i was very scared and made sure not to touch it or do anything to make it fall. but i did in fact have an adult tooth under it, and now its fully erupted and both the adult and baby tooth are in my mouth, since the baby one is stuck now, not going anywhere. and im a bit mad because other than this, i was on track to have a completely perfect smile. unlike my sibling whose tooth alignment is quite a bit messed up. so, I'm mad. now I'd have to get full braces and they'll change everything just to get it how it naturally would have been, and im mad about that.
but aside from this, even before all that happened, i never liked my smile. i just hate it. there's nothing technically wrong with it, i just think it looks ugly, and that i look ugly when i try to smile with my teeth. so i just smile with my lips closed. my father (jokingly) bullies me for it, but it's whatever.
i can't remember why i wanted to tell someone so badly. is it disgusting, how i never went to a dentist? i feel like if i told someone in real life, they'll definitely think so. im kind of mad that this was supposed to be something safe to me. i don't know if future responsible adult me will be able to go. i wish her the best though!
unfortunately for me though, I've been feeling some pain on my lower left teeth if i bite down hard on them 😔😔 but its probably just because the tooth behind and in front of it are still growing in, so its a little lonely. one was a baby tooth that recently fell out, and the other is just a tooth growing in from the back ig. according to the research i made, thats normal and theyre not wisdom teeth, so hopefully im good. if i told my parents I'm in pain they'd take me to a dentist, theyre not bad. but i wont do that, im too scared :). just the thought makes my chest hurt a bit, no thank you. it'll probably go away on its own.
im so sorry if you read all this. its just a big bunch of non-sense :)) have a nice day!
I don't have to respond, but I'll do it anyway because I think all your points are completely valid. I try to keep this space open because I know how shitty the internet can be to people. There's so much negativity floating around and I hate it. I've liked that I've managed to carve out a fandom space where people are comfortable existing how they are without constantly being exposed to a bunch of hate/negativity.
The two of us are currently pretty well. It's getting warmer and I'm hoping some spring/summer adventures are in the works. In my humble opinion, adventures are the most important part of life. I find myself looking forward to them more than anything else. Go on more adventures, it makes life way more exciting. No matter how small or how big, seek out adventures in everything you do.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I grew up that same way. I didn't go to the dentist until I started having tooth pain as a kid. Some parents don't see it as a necessary and some don't have the finances. Whatever the case, it's not your fault. I've noticed that people tend to grow up with some of their parents' beliefs. If your parents weren't taken to the dentist much as a kid, they probably think it's normal not to go unless there's a major issue.
It does feel incredibly invasive, especially when you've never been there. However, dentists and their assistants are usually there for one purpose and one purpose only: to make sure patients are able to get the help they need, so they can have functional teeth throughout their lives. As someone who has been to different dentists, they've always been pretty good about telling me what they're doing before they do it.
You are totally allowed to ask if they can explain each step of what they're doing, so you understand what's happening at all times. You are in control of what happens to your mouth. If you are uncomfortable with something, if you need a few moments to breathe, you are allowed to ask them to pause. A good dentist will understand your anxiety. To find a good dentist, check out their reviews. If I go to a new doctor/dentist/eye doctor, I'm always looking at the review page on Google.
If they need to do something like pull a tooth, fill a cavity, etc, you're numbed. If you can still feel something after being numbed, if you let them know, they'll fix it. They don't want you to feel what they're doing in invasive procedures. Teeth are bones and the center of them are filled with nerve endings. Their goal is to numb everything and make things as painless as possible. Don't ever be afraid to speak up at a dentist, your comfort is worth it.
Just because something happened to your mom, it doesn't mean it'll happen to you. That's kinda wild, I've never heard of it. All my baby teeth, if I didn't touch them, they'd always find a way to free themselves. I bet your baby tooth was really stuck in there. It must want to be with you forever, huh? I know you're frustrated and annoyed, but in a way, it's kind of cute that your baby tooth wanted to stay with you.
Are you sure you'd have to get full braces? If you've never been to the dentist, a dentist will look at your mouth and determine whether they think your teeth alignment needs some extra assistance with alignment. If you're only having one issue with a single tooth, I don't think they'd force you to get a mouthful of braces, unless they were concerned about the way multiple teeth are aligned.
And even then, in some places they only do braces on the top or bottom teeth. Some braces are placed behind teeth, so nobody can see them. In some places now, they have things like Invisalign. It's a clear plastic retainer that sits on your teeth to straighten them. It all depends on your dentist, the severity of the issues in your mouth, and what they think works best for you. If you haven't been to a dentist and they haven't said you needed braces, I wouldn't worry about needing braces until you're specifically told you need them.
Braces can be scary, but after a while, they become pretty normal. My younger sibling has braces and they weren't thrilled about it at first. Their orthodontist has made the experience quite pleasant. They get prizes after each visit. Plus, they get to pick the color of the bands that go on the braces. They seem to really like that. Every so often, the color changes, so they get to pair the color with different outfits.
You are allowed to smile in whatever way you like to smile. Some people feel better smiling with their teeth out and some don't. I'm sure whichever way it is, you have a great smile. I've never encountered anyone with an ugly smile. What a blessing to be able to show emotion that proves we're happy. That's such an amazing thing that not every creature on this earth gets. I've noticed when I see someone smiling, it feels hard not to smile, and I think that's amazing.
It's not disgusting at all. In fact, I feel like it's pretty normal. I think out of most of the people I've known, most people prioritize doctors over dentists. A lot of people only go to the dentist when they're in pain. I don't think I've ever actually met someone who has admitted they go to the dentist every six months. Man, I don't even go to the dentist every six months. Should I? Probably. Do I? No.
Your wisdom teeth are in the very back sockets of your jaw. If you push your tongue into all four back corners of your mouth, if there's a small gummy space in each section, that means your wisdom teeth aren't in yet. If there's pain in any of those four areas, it likely means they're uprooting and coming in. Wisdom teeth tend to come in at different times. All four of my wisdom teeth have come in at different ages and I still have one that's not in.
I'm going to say this because I wish I would have told my parents when I was having teeth issues, please tell your parents you're having mouth pain. When I was sixteen, I was having mouth pain and I didn't tell my parents. I was deeply terrified of the dentist. I hated the idea of going to one. I didn't want a stranger's fingers in my mouth. I didn't want anything to do with it. I was like that for weeks and then disaster struck.
I bit down into a sandwich I was eating and part of my adult tooth cracked in half and fell out. The absolute terror that consumed me that day, I'll never forget it. It turns out, I had a cavity and didn't realize it. Since I hadn't been to the dentist in so long, the cavity grew. Cavities are bacterial infections that break down a tooth and create a tiny hole within the tooth. The hole should have been cleaned by a dentist and properly sealed, but I was so scared of dentists, I didn't say anything about it.
Now I'm twenty-three and have a tooth that had to be drilled down and fixed. The cavity had hollowed out part of my tooth. When I bit down that day, it was just enough pressure to break the tooth. The cavity weakened the walls of my tooth and a small section shattered under pressure. At that moment, I realized there was no avoiding the dentist. I didn't want to lose my entire tooth.
Within a week, I was at the dentist, but the damage was already done. My lovely new dentist had to fix the tiny cavity left behind and seal it properly. The good news? I still have half a tooth left. It's happy and healthy in my mouth. She'll be there until the end of time, I hope.
However, my dentist informed me that if I wouldn't have come in, the cavity would have expanded and I would have lost the entire tooth. It was one of those hindsight is 20/20 situations. I wish I would have done things differently, but I didn't.
I will tell you this, you can totally take someone into the dental room with you to make you feel better. You absolutely can bring a parent, sibling, or a friend for emotional support. Honestly, I'm grown and if I can get away with it, I bring my younger sibling with me to some appointments. They tend to joke around a lot and it makes me feel so much better. It's impossible to freak out and spiral into an anxiety attack if they're their spouting off random non-sense.
Years ago, I had gallstones and was in the most pain I've ever been in. Despite being in pain, my younger sibling went into two different doctor appointments with me. They were joking around and they still got me to laugh. You don't always have to go into appointments alone, especially if you're nervous. Having someone there to reassure you and cheer you up makes it ten times easier, I swear.
I cannot force you into going to the dentist, but I definitely encourage it. With anxiety, it's a lot easier to imagine the worst things happening, but it's usually not like that at all. When I went to the dentist at sixteen, the staff were wonderful. Plus, when you go to the dentist, sometimes you get prizes. That's so fun!! Even if they're silly, the concept behind it is pretty cool. Even if you don't get a prize, I begged my dad to get me a fancy coffee from a coffee place because I was brave, so I ended getting a large coffee a few days later.
Plus, they clean your teeth when you're there. It is truly one of the best feelings ever. That's the best part of going to the dentist. Your teeth are so squeaky clean. It feels way better than giving them a regular brush. It's like a fancy car wash, but for your teeth. In my opinion, it was totally worth being brave for. The benefits outweighed my anxiety by a landslide. Even though I didn't go when I should have originally, I'm glad I mustered up the courage to go when I did.
An unnerving dentist trip now saves you on root canals later in life. Your teeth, your future self, and your wallet will thank you. Seriously, I cannot recommend the dentist enough. I believe you have the power to do it. You're way stronger than you know <3
hey, idk if you're taking requests but I have something..
I have depression and i've been going through some things lately and I'm feeling SO alone. like, i have friends, but i think if i tell them what's going on, they're gonna think i'm dramatic (maybe i am?). the only person i have that i think understands me is my brother, but he works the whole day and i don't wanna bother him yk...
maybe u could write a minho!bf x fem reader about it? :/
u don't have to do this, it's just an idea!
eng is not my first language, sorry :c
Unfortunately, I am currently not taking requests. I already have quite the stack of requests to work on and with everything going on in my life, it's becoming increasingly difficult to find time to write fics. Please don't take that personally, it's not your fault my life is getting hectic.
Depression is difficult to deal with alone. When I was mentally at my worst, I was dealing with my depression alone and I was miserable. It's easy to feel worthless and unloved if you keep it all bottled up. If your friends are telling you your feelings are invalid and making you feel dramatic, those aren't real friends. True friends remind you how bright the world is when you're feeling down. You're not dramatic for feeling what you feel and the way you do.
Please reach out to your brother, especially if you're comfortable with him. As an older sister, I adore my younger sibling non-stop. There was a brief period of time when their mental health took a nose dive and instead of reaching out to me right away, their mental health worsened. I would have much rather known from the get-go, so I could have helped them right away.
Whether your brother is older or younger, it doesn't matter. It's helpful to have someone who knows, so you don't feel isolated. It's not a bother to want someone to lean on. It's okay to admit you need someone to talk to/help cheer you up.
Your English is perfect, so I know exactly what you're saying. It blows my mind that people learn English. It's such a tricky language to learn, but you're great at it.
As for the fic request, I've gone through my masterlists. I found some fics that I think provide the best comfort based on the situation. Some have Minho in them and some don't, but I think they'll still be able to provide some warmth. I hope they make you feel better and I'm sending you so much virtual love <3
Not strong enough ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you dealing with a depressive episode.
Experience ~ Longer fic ~ Chan finds you struggling with depression.
Somewhere only we know ~ Longer fic ~ Seungmin shows up with a plan to cheer you up when you're depressed.
I'm stuck with a phobia ~ Mini drabbles ~ Skz finds you when you're struggling with anxiety.
A haunted house with a picket fence to float around and ghost my friends ~ 9th member AU ~ You start pulling away from the people you love when you feel invisible.
I've got toxins in my bloodstream, you tried hard to suck them out
Pairing: Seungmin X gn reader
Summary: You've been depressed for a while, but after a nightmare disturbs you, you're torn between staying quiet about your suicidal thoughts or reaching out to your boyfriend for help.
Genre: Angst w/happy ending
Word Count: 6.3K
Trigger warning: Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, graphic descriptions of falling off a building, insecurities, brief implication of starvation and lack of self-care.
Anxiety and depression resources
No matter how much you loved Kim Seungmin, it’d never fix your rotten heart. A person can love as best they can, but the issues within them will never heal unless they take the steps to patch up and nurture the wounds in their heart. Bleeding stab wounds, teeth marks from relationships gone wrong, and purple bruised flesh from where something left a mark.
Teeth in your neck, needles in your heart, hollowed bones, and empty lungs. Hopeless, burnt out, and hurt, it morphed together to create an entire vacuum of sadness. It swallowed you whole and when life spun so far out of control, you couldn’t tell if you were in charge of your own life or if the depression took the reins, but you knew which it was as you stood on top of a skyscraper.
Mother Nature didn’t give her blessing for this death. Clouds floated across the night sky and blocked the moon. The surface craters turned invisible. The pale moonlight, you thought it’d be an acquaintance tonight, but it never showed.
Why doesn’t anyone show up when you need them?
You did your best to appease everyone around you all the time. People were the best they could be, but depression crafted something rotten within your brain. The words of admiration and support were lies. You were so sure of it, they meant nothing. There was no proof to behold, when the brain believed something, it’d grasp onto that belief and do whatever it could to cement it into your reality.
You never believed the text messages on your phone. When friends invited you to events, you believed it was from pity. When Seungmin held your hand a little tighter and pulled you close, you told yourself it was an obligation. Of course he was going to kiss you, that’s what boyfriends did. They pull you close and tell you all the words you want to hear.
Kim Seungmin did everything right, but he couldn’t fix your brain. Nothing he could do would regulate the chemicals and reroute the wires in your beliefs. He could beg and he could pray, but unless you fought like hell to climb out of the swamp of sadness, you’d be here forever.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown and depression is no different. Exhaustion is constantly flooding your bones, it never stops. No amount of sleep washes away the pain of thinking you’re not enough. Nothing ever works and when you start to believe you’re worthless, you find yourself sinking into the darkness with nothing to hold onto.
For months, you non-stop completed a never-ending routine of proving you were okay. Forcing your limbs to stand and partaking in day-to-day activities. Every smile plastered on your stone cold face, the extra effort to exaggerate the details of your life to people. Why would they worry when you were so good at hiding things?
In the midnight breeze, Seoul flashed neon lights down below. High above the buzzing streets of night activities, your toes hung over the ledge of the building. One tip forward and everything would go quiet. Your inner world would silence itself and that’d be the end of everything.
Nothing hurt anymore. At some point, your emotions grew quiet. They meshed together into a muted numbness. Nothing hurt and that was the problem. The sharp thoughts of self-doubt and ridicule didn’t feel like anything anymore. You’d successfully talked yourself into believing you were worthless, so it didn’t matter what happened here.
Down below, music floated from karaoke night in bars. Dancers lingered between patrons in flashy outfits and singles settled at the seats along bar counters, hoping they’d find a fish who’d bite. Bitter whiskey, burning vodka, foam topped beers, and something fruity to wash away the stress of the week.
CEOs loosened their ties and relaxed. Someone bought shots for their coworkers. Two strangers briefly bumped into each other and when the conversation went well, they wondered if they were the ones for each other. Birthday celebrations and shrieks as someone opens up their gifts with a big smile and sparkling eyes.
The fresh scent of barbeque and herbs. Spices floated out onto the streets, luring in potential customers. The world moved on, but you stood frozen above it. A multitude of people moved in the building below you. As they slipped into weekend relaxation or dreading tomorrow’s work day, you took in the world one last time.
But if someone walks through that rooftop door before I drop, I’ll take it as a sign to try again.
A car honked down below and you waited. Ticking traffic lights clocked through their usual colors. Adrenaline caused your heart rate to skyrocket. Maybe two teenagers would come up and look for a place to escape the world for a while. A couple with laughter and heated whispers set on finding an adventure. Even if maintenance would break through those doors and yell at you, you’d take it. It’d be proof you were wanted here.
But nobody came.
The wind swept your hair back. Too numb to understand the danger you were in, you didn’t step back. Hundreds of lights swept across the distant landscapes. Apartment complexes, businesses, and vehicles, proof of all the lives that’d go on and continue marching forward. Tomorrow will be another day and people’s lives won't be interrupted by your death, you’re sure of it.
One drop and it's over.
One drop to change your life.
One drop to shatter the lives of everyone around you.
One drop to stop the demons in your head.
Gravity yanks a body down so quickly, it only takes three to four seconds to plunge and slam into the cold pavement. People forget the survival instinct kicks in. We’ve always been deathly afraid of falling. Regret takes a second, but there’s no soft landing before you.
Three to four seconds for a skull to crack, a soul to evaporate, and for people’s lives shatter. Another few seconds and pedestrians start to scream. The world continues turning, but the lives of strangers who find you are never the same. Conflicting thoughts and quiet pondered sessions over the rest of their lives lay before them. While your loved ones try to sort through the pain and disbelief, strangers are always haunted by the what-ifs.
The only warmth surrounding you becomes a puddle of your own blood. There’s no time to cradle your injuries. You’re there and then gone. There is no love in the end, only the primal fear of dying and the realization that you’re all alone. There’s no time to apologize and take it back. No proper goodbyes and apologies.
Regret and a scream.
Desperation is met with a silence and a sickening crack because what’s done is done and you can’t rewind time.
~ ~ ~
You jerked up with a shrill scream. Limbs flailing in every direction, a cold shot of adrenaline flushed through your body. The unforgiving pavement verses the soft silk coming from baby blue sheets. The tangled comforter still curled over the top of you and provided too much weight to your body. Breathless and confused, you jerked your head around to understand what was happening.
Midnight disappeared and softened into a honey dew morning. Early morning sunlight peeked through the blinds and highlighted your body. Heart slamming against your chest, your fingers shook as you curled them into the warm fabric.
The opposite side of the bed sat empty. Seungmin’s familiar silhouette was gone. Before you could question anything, he peeked into the room from the attached bathroom doorway. “Man, it’s way too early to be screaming like that.”
The casualty in his voice turned to softness when he saw your terrified eyes. He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?”
It took a few seconds for your voice to work. A lump expanded in your throat, making it difficult to get out the words. When nothing sounded, but sputtering and half-fragmented sentences, you settled on a simple nod. It had to be a nightmare, but it didn’t feel like a nightmare.
You felt everything. The wind whipping through your hair and your heart in your stomach as you dropped from the building. The world blurred with neon lights and darkness. The scent of gasoline and burning oil from a car that should have been in the repair shop weeks ago. The cold concrete, the cracking of your own skull, and then an unfamiliar emptiness.
White foam sat speckled across Seungmin’s lips. You could see him fully now. Tangerine toothbrush in his hand, the soft bristles sat layered with a milky foam. He studied your face, waiting for more answers, but you didn’t give him anything to work with. He wiped a thumb across his lower lip and finally spoke up.
“Wanna talk about it?”
I jumped off a building because I felt worthless. Because I’m certain nobody loves me. Because I feel as if the weight of my life is more of a burden than a blessing. Because I think I’m poisoning everyone and myself. Because I haven’t felt my emotions properly in weeks. Because I don’t want to be here anymore.
Because…
Because…
Because…
The thoughts cycled, but you stayed quiet. Instead, you settled on a simple sentence. “I was falling in my dream, but I’m okay now.”
He hesitated believing you, but he finally nodded. “Okay, if you say so.” He spun to go back in the bathroom and paused. Instead of moving forward, he faced you again. “Hey, you know that ring you gave me yesterday? The one you said you wanted me to have because you didn’t like it and you were sure it’d find a better home with me?”
A blank look appeared on your face. The canons in your head misfired until everything came back. You’d had that ring since childhood. A family ring passed down to you, but you didn’t want it to die in your hands. You were certain if you gave it to Seungmin, if he planned to keep it, if he truly loved you like he said he did, he’d still have a little piece of you with him after you were gone.
Over the past few days, you've been slowly giving things to people. Not enough to cast concern, but just here and there. A t-shirt to an old friend that they’d once upon a time complimented. Old photographs to your parents for the family photo albums. You’d told them you had copies, but it was a lie.
You even created a meal from scratch three days ago for Seungmin and his group members. They complimented the food, eating until they were stuffed and content, but you didn’t believe them. A small piece of you wanted to believe they were being honest, but you didn’t know for sure.
Lately, you’d been so tired and it made it difficult to read between the lines of reality and your own shortcomings. The circuits of understanding glitched and someone snapped the wires of normalcy. Grief pocketed your head and threw black shades over your eyes. No matter how hard you tried, it never felt like it was enough.
“I want you to take it back,” Seungmin continued. “I tried to wear it yesterday, but I was so worried I’d lose it. Besides, I’ve seen you wear it before and it looks better on you. It’s over in that box on the nightstand.”
Sure enough, the silver ring had been tucked between the foam pillars laced in velvet. The shut box kept the ring safe from all the elements. Even if it were to fall, the foam would absorb the fall and ease the weight of the drop.
Thinking about it falling, goosebumps raked down your arms. Seungmin disappeared back into the bathroom. He didn’t know what happened to you. He wasn’t in your dream and he didn’t know what went on in your dream. It had to have been a nightmare, but it felt so real.
If it had happened, you wouldn’t be here this morning. Your side of the bed would stay empty. Seungmin would wake up and stare at your side of the bed. His memories would flicker with your face and the relaxation along your facial muscles as you slept. He’d long to push your hair from your face and to trace his thumb along your lips to wipe away the smallest speck of forming drool.
He’d assume you’d be in the kitchen, but confusion would take over when he searched the apartment and couldn’t find you. Seungmin with his furrowed dark brows and a hint of a frown on his face. Fingers of frustration tugging back through his hair, eyes searching the area and trying to figure out where you might be so early in the morning. You usually didn’t leave without a text or a note, but his phone would remain empty.
When he came back from the bathroom, he tugged down his t-shirt to smooth out a few appearing wrinkles. “I’ve gotta head into work, but are you still prepared for dinner tonight? Waiting the whole day to eat with you is going to be a pain.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t tell me you forgot already. How could you forget? Hello?” He waved a playful hand in front of your dazed eyes. “Earth to you, anyone home? We planned a date night for today, remember?”
“Um…”
He chuckled at your confusion. “That nightmare really must have messed with your head. You’re here and you’re still mine.” Warm fingers curled around your wrists and squeezed. He tugged his hands back, lacing his fingers between yours. “You look dumb when you’re this confused, but I love you regardless.”
When the warmth of his kiss found your forehead, you suddenly felt like you might cry. Tears sprouted in your eyes before you could stop them. His playful mood dropped and his face fell. “Babe? What’s wrong?”
You blinked rapidly and shook your head. The lump in your throat clogged your vocal cords. You tried to pull your hands away from him, but he tightened his grip. A sniffle and a glance away. The worry in Seungmin grew, but his voice softened. “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Use your words.”
“I don’t know,” you croaked in a high-pitched voice. “I feel like I don’t deserve this sometimes.”
“Did you fall on your head in that dream or something? Are you crazy? Of course, you deserve this. This and so much more.” He tugged you closer and pulled you into his arms.
“You’re going to be late for work.”
“Oh, shut up. Who cares? Work can wait. Let me hold you and suffocate you with my love or whatever Hyunjin says when he squeezes the life out of Jeongin.”
Without another word, you leaned forward and pressed your face into him. The warm scent of cedar and ginger engulfed you tightly. Your fingers curled around his back and palmed the warmth of his skin. The way your bodies pressed against each other, it was familiar, but it was different this time. This time, the flicker of hope briefly sparked in your head.
If he was willing to hold you like this and be late for work, maybe there was a possibility that his words weren’t as worthless as your brain believed they were.
~ ~ ~
The engines sound the same. Standing across the cross walk in front of your favorite coffee stop, deja vu hit hard. Engines rumbled in the nightmare. The stop and go of reflective metal and the faint honking of horns. The cross walk signaled for you to pass the intersection, but you stood frozen in time.
People walked in and out of the coffee shop. Friday meant pay day for a multitude of people. Everyone rushed to get their usual morning energy. Routines had been placed long ago and very few things halted them. You were supposed to be at work by now, but you called in and called off, claiming you were sick.
Baristas worked hard behind the counter. Teamwork, constant shuffling, and so much movement. Bodies behind bodies, the hiss of the milk steamer, dripping espresso shots, and the ding of a toaster oven. Thick spreads of cream cheese on flavored bagels and the jerk of the cash register opening to spew out cash.
Everything moved how it was supposed to, but not you. Your feet stuck along the pavement and you couldn’t move. If it really happened, you wouldn’t be here today. You wouldn’t be in this spot and everything would be over.
And if I would have done it, if I would have let myself fall, where would I be now?
“I like your shoes.”
Your thoughts broke and you glanced over. A stranger smiled when your eyes met. She kicked out her own foot, showing you her scuffed up and faded sneakers. “I picked mine out a few years ago. The memory foam in this one is worn way down. Where’d you get yours?”
You blinked. “Um, there’s a shoe store in the mall. I don’t remember the name of–”
“The nearest one? Wait, I think I’ve been there before. Faceless mannequins in the window with sporty stuff, right? They have a bunch of athletic shoes on display. All the big names like Nike and Adidas.”
“Yeah, that’s it.” You glanced down at your shoes. Your footing shifted and you suddenly felt too exposed. “My boyfriend picked out the color. I was stuck between two colors and he said this one looked better with my complexion.”
The woman hummed softly and nodded. She adjusted the cross body bag hanging over her shoulder. Sleek leather and a golden emblem that you didn’t know the brand of. She unzipped it and dug through it to find her wallet. “He must have a good sense of style. They look great on you.”
“Thank you.” The words poured out without stopping. “I like to think I’m incredibly lucky to have him.”
She rummaged for a few more moments until she found it.“I bet.” Her head went back to the opposite cross walk. “Would you look at that? I can finally cross this way now. Have a good day!” She sent you another pearly white smile before hurrying into the intersection and passing the row of awaiting vehicles.
You sucked in a slow deep breath and reconsidered the interaction. Eyes shutting, your head tilted towards your chest. You never spoke much about your pain. Pulling attention to it had always felt wrong, as if you were burdening people with it. Everyone always says speak out and reach out for help when you need it, but they don’t tell you how vulnerable and humiliating it feels to have thoughts that don’t feel regulated.
The brain is an organ and depression is a brain disorder. The chemicals are physically disrupted and the brain is inflamed. Too many people don’t look at it like that. They believe if you manage your emotions better, the problem fixes itself. If you eat more or less, if you spend an hour exercising, if you drink more water, and the list goes on.
Sure, those things will help increase your mood and they might physically be better for you and your body, but eight glasses of water isn’t enough to rearrange the chemicals in your brain. Three meals a day isn’t enough to fix the thoughts that paralyze a person when they go to bed at night. Sixty minutes of exercise isn’t enough to erase the self-doubt forever.
They can help, but they will never be the full cure.
~ ~ ~
The iced matcha tasted somewhere between freshly mowed wet grass and dirt. Ice clanked around the sides of the plastic cup as you walked. During your visit to the cafe, you glanced at the menu and ordered it in the spur of the moment. Deep down, you assumed you needed some brightness to follow the dreary day.
After Seungmin left, you didn’t want to stay behind. Quite frankly, you didn’t feel comfortable staying in the apartment alone right now. The dream freaked you out too much. You felt everything and even now that a few hours had passed, you couldn’t shake the weight of it from your shoulders.
You sipped mouthfuls of matcha and forced yourself to swallow. You’d spent too much money on the drink to let it go to waste. It gave you something to do while you walked. Each cold sip reminded you that you were real. You were real and walking downtown Seoul.
Above the collage of buildings towering above your head, the sun fought with clouds. They kept fighting back and forth. Just as the sun peaked out, clouds rolled over and came back to hide it. Seoul still felt damp. You didn’t remember it raining in your nightmare, but when you stepped outside, you could smell the remains of ozone embedded in the air.
Each step you took, wet pavement met your foot. Small puddles formed in the dips and potholes. Varnished awnings dripped with water and rain drops had yet to dry from windows and buildings. Wet brick and the splashing of your shoes. Water built up along the sides of the road. Not much, but enough to warrant a quick spray of water when cars moved too far to the sides of the road. Parked vehicles included tires laying in puddles.
You walked around with uncertainty. You were here and in your body, but you didn’t mentally feel like you were there. The world felt distant, a sheet of glass separated you from experiencing it within your body. The further you walked, you thought it’d help, but it didn’t.
Further and further, down the busy intersections, past those who were out and about, ignoring the objects in the windows trying to catch everyone’s eyes. New sales and brightly colored clothes. An old antique shop with vintage signs. Restaurants with open doors with their flavors that churned your stomach. Hunger didn’t strike, but the stomach reacted anyway. You’d grown so used to the hunger pains, they didn’t bother you much anymore.
The food became a sticky wet paste. Chew, chew, chew, and swallow. So much movement. Eat the food, wash the dishes, floss, and brush your teeth because of it. Pry your mouth open for the dentist every six months and pray sugar didn’t rot your teeth away.
Living took so much effort and your effort dissolved weeks ago. For weeks, you spent so much effort pretending you weren't unraveling inside. Your brain spiraled out of control, the thoughts choked you, and Seungmin wasn’t enough to stop it. You thought that’s what it’d take.
Truly, you loved Seungmin. Not only were you attracted to him, but he used to give you butterflies at one point. You blushed at his teasing and nearly fainted each time your lips met. Handfuls of his t-shirt threaded between your fingers, intertwining your legs at night, curling up close to one another, even when he grumbled about it playfully.
When things started to get bad again, you were certain it wouldn’t be like last time. You had Seungmin and he cared for you. You used to be so certain until your brain told you otherwise. When the anxiety heightened, so did the realizations of the minor things. It all mixed together and snipped the tether the two of you once had.
When he gently pushed you away after having a long day, he needed a few minutes to wind down and relax, but you thought it was his way of pushing you away physically and mentally.
When he ignored you after you asked a question, you didn’t realize he got caught up in his own thoughts and you swore he did it on purpose.
When he’d ask your opinion on minor things and he went against your suggestion, you took it personally, not realizing Seungmin merely had a mind of his own and sometimes did it to tease you.
Boyfriends were supposed to fix the inner pain and keep you from spiraling, you were sure of it. A kiss when you were in physical pain or mental distress. Soft touches and tugging one another close. Fingers threaded through your hair, someone to take care of you when you were unwell, someone to hear you out and give you advice. The delight of having someone beside you when you watched TV, so you could share your opinions and conspiracies for future plot lines with.
It was never enough.
As you walked from one neighborhood and deeper into another, you mentally unraveled. Thoughts churning with tears burning behind your eyes, the lump in your throat cemented itself and refused to go away. No matter how much you threw yourself into the depths of a relationship with another, you could crucify yourself for them, but it’d never be enough to fix what was wrong with your head.
Using the sleeve of your jacket, you wiped away the tears. At some point, you cut a corner and realized you had no idea where you were. Cursing beneath your breath, you kept walking towards the row of businesses. Buildings towered overhead in various heights. You yanked out your phone to map yourself back home from your location and paused when you heard the sound of a humming engine and the hiss of water.
Fingers curling tighter around your phone screen, you looked up to find a worker standing across the street with a pressure washer. Beneath a high-rising apartment building, four orange cones sectioned off an area of the sidewalk. An engine whirled and spit out a heavy stream of water. With each pass over the sidewalk, murky liquid oozed off the pavement and onto the street. An open drain gurgled as water built up and sank between the thin slits.
I don’t want to be a body on the pavement that has to be power washed away because pieces of my brain and skull fragments are splattered in every direction. I don’t want to listen to every bone in my body crack while the back of my head caves in. I don’t want strangers gawking at my crumpled corpse.
I don’t want to imagine the people I love dressed in their funeral best while they stand over my coffin. I don’t want to go somewhere else and end up alone. I don’t want to see the sun for the last time today.
The tears came wet and hot. If the worker across the way noticed, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he kept hosing down the sidewalk. The dark concrete revitalized itself three shades lighter. Up above, a tenant lazily leaned out their window. Arms along the window frame, a single string of smoke funneled out and into the abyss. Ashes rained down and were quickly washed away and into the sewer.
You spun around, nearly slamming into a stranger. Their eyes widened when they took on your teary appearance. The matcha in your hand trembled. Nearly half-consumed, the ice had melted and watered down the flavor.
“Woah, are you okay?”
“Yeah, rough morning. Sorry, excuse me.” You stepped around them and hurried away.
They glanced over their shoulder and watched you with furrowed brows, but they didn’t chase after you.
Fingers gripping your cup, deja vu hit you again. No wonder this area looked so familiar. It was different without the darkness, but the building structures were the same. When you glanced back, black spots speckled your vision. Beneath that apartment building, you were certain you landed there in the dream.
Nausea clawed apart your stomach. A hand went to your mouth and you forced yourself to continue walking. The world caved in and everything you’d been holding back erupted. The ache of sadness, the twisted insecurities, and the constant self-betrayal set your soul ablaze.
The wildfire in your head had grown so massive, you couldn’t contain it anymore. You’d never be able to outrun it alone. Everything once good, if you kept going the way you were going, you’d never experience it again.
You wanted to experience the sound of your laughter as Seungmin picked you up and threw you over his shoulder when the two of you bickered. You wanted the warmth to appear in your stomach when you kissed. You wanted a ring on your finger and a secured forever with him.
The familiarity of family dinner and conversations from your relatives during family events. The family pet grew older alongside you and if you stopped showing up for holiday dinners, you didn’t know who would sneak them food. Who else was going to insist on creating new traditions and taking too many photos to document the moments?
And the game nights with Seungmin and group members? When all nine of you would settle down at someone’s place and there’d occasionally be others. They’d bring friends from other companies. Once upon a time, Chan brought along his sister. In the middle of bickering, Felix once facetimed his sisters and demanded they properly explain the rules for a game they’d played as children because he couldn’t remember the details, but he wanted everyone to play it.
You could barely breathe as you forced your cell phone from your back pocket. The contact names blurred, but you knew Seungmin’s name was at the top. You’d purposefully labeled it, so it would be. With a sniffle, you clicked the button to call him. The phone rang once and then twice. You shifted your body, shifting your weight from one leg to the other. “Please pick up. Please.”
On the fourth ring, his voice appeared. “Babe? Are you okay? You never call me at work.”
You squeezed your eyes shut. You sucked in a sharp breath and forced out the hoarse words. “Can you come home?”
“Come home?” He repeated in confusion. Last he knew, you were on your way to work. He left first and an hour later, you’d report to your own job. “Huh?”
“Please, Seungmin.”
It nearly killed you to admit it, but you forced the words out anyway.
“It’s an emergency.”
~ ~ ~
By the time your Uber pulled up to your apartment, Seungmin was already there. Standing out front, he paced back and forth until he heard the car door. His head jerked up and there you were. Eyes full of tears, cheeks puffy, and a half-consumed matcha. He rushed forward in a panic.
Still in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he was still sweaty from dance practice. He always kept his phone in his pocket for dance practice. It was always on vibrate. Everyone knew not to call him at certain times unless it was an emergency. When he felt the vibrations mid-practice, he picked it up as soon as he could.
You practically collapsed into his arms with relief. The matcha dropped to the ground and the plastic lid popped off. Cloudy green soaked the sidewalk and the grass, but you didn’t care. As you laid your head against him, you busted into a fit of heavy sobs. Everything came out as your body deflated.
Seungmin’s body wasn’t cold and unforgiving. He didn’t feel anything like the sidewalk felt in your dream. He was here and he was present. Cedar and warm ginger welcomed you. His arms flew up in confusion. Eyes crinkling with concern, he slowly wrapped his arms around your trembling figure.
“Babe, you’re scaring me. What happened? What’s wrong?”
“I-I need help.”
“What?”
“I-I wanna die. I had a dream that I jumped off a building. I had a plan. I-I was going to and the nightmare a-and I–” Your words fractured into another sob.
Memories of this morning came back to him. The conversation he held with you while brushing his teeth. Your shriek scared him, but after a few moments, you seemed to settle down. Yes, it’d been a nightmare, but he didn’t think it was that bad. Everyone had nightmares and you weren’t immune to them, neither was he. He’d had his own fair share of them before.
Sure, you started crying before he left this morning, but he’d assumed it was a case of a nightmare overwhelming you. You were still half asleep earlier. By the time he pulled away and started to leave, he made sure to set the alarm on your phone for a little later, so you’d be up and around in time for work. He thought it was confusion and panic from the nightmare mixed with your obvious sleepiness.
“What?” His voice rose with panic. “Slow down. Look at me.” He reached up and gently cupped your chin. “I need you to take a deep breath and explain it to me slowly. Babe, you’re babbling.”
“I-I was going to kill myself,” you whispered.
His face fell as you repeated a new variation of your original words. He didn’t respond right away. His own lump formed in his throat. He loved you so much, he hadn’t imagined a life without you. He’d been so greedy when it came to you. The idea of not waking up next to you, it was unbearable.
“I-I’m sorry to call you from work. I called off this morning. The nightmare made me rethink things.” Your voice grew shrill. “I don’t wanna be numb anymore. Seungmin, I want to live.”
Your words were such a bombshell, he nearly collapsed while holding you. Not once did he ever realize you were keeping such huge feelings at bay. Barely anything had changed between the two of you. Sure, you were a little quieter lately and you seemed a bit more moody, but when he questioned you, you announced you’d been mentally working through some things. He didn’t mind it because he’d had those times himself. It seemed like whatever it was, you hadn’t needed help sorting through it.
He watched you eat and always pressed a bottle of water into your hands in the evening. Even if you weren’t drinking enough water, you were drinking a half-bottle or the full bottle. That was better than nothing. The two of you shared laughter and meals together. You still watched TV and bickered about who liked the best character.
As he combed through all the memories from the past few weeks, he could barely notice differences. They were so minor, so normal, and he’d never thought they were because of anything like this. You were drowning, but you were good at hiding your true feelings. If you were hiding, you couldn’t be a burden.
But if you were hiding, you couldn’t get better. You carried the weight of everything alone. All the negative thoughts and self-insecurities. You hid your exhaustion and forced yourself to get up and numbly move through day-after-day. You forced the smiles and complimented the food he made, pretending you could still taste everything.
Your brain screamed at you from some terrified part of your head.
What are you doing? You’re being a burden! He’s going to think you’re too much to handle and he’ll leave. He’ll leave and never see you again. He’ll ghost you and disappear forever. You’ll lose what little goodness you have.
But if Seungmin really loves me, he’ll help me carry the weight of everything. That’s what loving someone means, it means comforting them when they’re sad, it means reminding them there’s still good in themselves and in the world. It’s not about fixing everything, it’s about giving someone the stability and strength to catch their breath while they regain their footing.
The angel and devil sat on your shoulders bickering, but you pushed both thoughts away. Arms curled around Seungmin, you braced yourself for his response. You didn’t get one right away. When it came, it nearly took your breath away.
His arms curled around you so tight, you could barely breathe. He buried his head in the side of your head, inhaling the scent of your shampoo. His voice came out in a fragile whisper. “Please don’t leave. I need you here. We need you here. Everyone needs you here.”
And that’s all it took before you burst into another fit of sobs. Those were the words you’d been silently begging to hear, but they’d never come until today. Someone sprayed a fire extinguisher along the wildfire in your brain. The flames didn’t go out completely, but they’d lowered and this time, they didn’t burn so badly.
Seungmin steadied you, keeping you curled tight against him as you cried. He didn’t care about the vehicles passing by and he didn’t care about the nosy dog staring at the two of you from across the street.
He cared about you and making sure you were safe. He’d never been good at expressing himself with words, but he’d find them all for you. He’d write you a thousand songs about your worth and spend hours singing. He’d keep you curled in his arms for eternity, if that’s what it meant to keep you safe. He’d do anything to keep you here.
By the time your sobs quieted and you were full of shaky breaths, you kept your head against his chest. Your ear pressed against his heart, hearing the steady thump. Your own heart pumped steadily in your own chest. You stood up against him whole and that’s all you’d ever wanted to be.
“Come on,” Seungmin finally uttered softly. He shifted and curled an arm around your back. “Let’s go inside, so we can talk about everything.” He brushed a hand over his eyes to wipe away his own tears. “I want to know what I can do to help you.”
And for the first time in a long time, your body relaxed with physical and emotional relief.
