GARAK.

you should never tell the same lie twice. / sideblog to @anchormain.

[lietwice]

MUSE / elim garak

MUN / anchor. 23.

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[jsbashirmd]

"I'm sorry," Julian responds, pressing his face into Garak's hair as he hugs him. "I didn't think this could happen. I didn't- It shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't have to make this sort of decision." Julian just hoped this didn't end in some sort of court marshal where he'd be asked to defend his right to reproduction without oversight. He just holds him for a long moment, then he says, "I could get you something to help with the symptoms." Probably not all of them, but some, which might make this slightly easier.

[lietwice]

"It's not your fault," he sighs, leaning in heavily. Garak presses his face into Julian's neck and takes a deep breath in, then another, using his partner's familiar scent to comfort himself. "Something to return my appetite would be helpful," he murmurs. He hasn't wanted anything in weeks now - mealtimes have felt like a chore. "I don't even want Delavian chocolates. But... I don't suppose there's very much literature on Cardassian pregnancies or relieving their symptoms for you to use." A pause, while he takes another deep inhale of Julian's scent. "Can we go back to bed now?"

[jsbashirmd]

He knows it, but all the same, it hurts to hear. "I could pick someone I know and trust. I could watch everything they do, hover over their shoulder the whole time. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you like that." He pauses, then untucks his folded arms and holds his hands out to Garak again. "I'd like to hold you. May I? Please?"

[lietwice]

A part of him wants to back away, to hiss at Julian and refuse to accept touch, but the promise of comfort right now is too much to resist. Instead of answering with words, he goes to Julian and presses himself into his arms, wrapping his tail around his leg. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I- this is hard for you as well. I just- I just don't- feel well. I'm sorry."

[jsbashirmd]

He breathes in and then out, steady and slow, then he tenses his jaw again and looks at the ground. "If you want me to do it and risk arrest, I'll do it. But I need you to think it through first. Give it a day. My best guess is that we have a matter of weeks to do what needs to be done. We can wait a day." Is he really going to trade the rest of his life in a Federation penal colony for a potential baby that he'd neither wanted nor expected? Apparently, yes, if Garak asks it of him. "But I have a close friend who I could persuade to come do the work, or... Or you could go to one of the Cardassian colonies. Another doctor doesn't have to mean something awful, love."

[lietwice]

No, he doesn't want Julian to risk arrest, he wants his own brain to start working again so he can think of a way to reduce the risk. But apparently, all he can do is freak out like some kind of animal being threatened. He lashes his tail again, but doesn't argue with the request to give it a day. Garak laughs bitterly, however, at Julian's attempt at reassurance, eyes flashing with pain and memories. "If the sort of other doctors that have treated me in the past touched me again now, they would kill our child and sterilise me, at best. Forgive me if I say that in my experience, it does mean that something awful."

[jsbashirmd]

When Garak pulls his hands away, it feels as though they take a piece of his heart with them, but with only an agonized expression and a brief flexing and tensing of his fingers, he folds his arms, making himself into less of a threat, and sits back down. "I don't know what else to do," he says brokenly. "Without intervention, they won't develop fully, but if I intervene, I'll be arrested and the Federation may very well try to make a claim for the baby as well." He pauses, looking just as heartbroken as he feels. "What do you want me to do?"

[lietwice]

The look on Julian's face deeply distresses him. He can see that he's upsetting his partner, and yet everything Julian says gets him even more worked up. He gets up and begins to pace, tail lashing behind him from one side to the other, on the verge of bursting into tears. "I don't know! Do it underground, make a case to do it legally, steal an identity to do it under, teach me to do it, find a legal loophole-- I don't care!" He's shaking violently now, eyes wild and frightened.

[jsbashirmd]

Julian nods, helps him up and kisses him again, and guides them back to the smaller, darker space, where he lets Garak help with the encryption mostly to give him something to focus on, then carefully goes over all of the genetic structure. It hits him hard, when he sees his own mixed genes clearly in the pattern. It shouldn't be possible. There's no way he should have been able to provide Garak's body with material it needed for this, and that he has is alarming. More than that, though, this child, if it's born, will not only be half cardassian and half human, but will also be an augment. It's terrifying, and he aches for them and their hypothetical future restrictions.

He can't dwell on that, though, any more than he can afford to dwell on his own apparent fertility. Instead, he has to present his findings. After almost two hours of work, he turns to face Garak directly, his jaw clenched almost painfully, and takes both of his hands. "It'll take interventions. It's legal, to do some genetic modification to prevent birth defects, and that's what this will be. But I-" He chokes a little and takes another steadying breath. "I can't be the one to do it. My reproducing at all is somewhat of a legal gray area. I'm under enough suspicion that if I touch their DNA, even for perfectly legal reasons, the consequences could be horrible. I don't want to make you see another doctor. You know I don't want to do that. But- but if we want this baby to be born and to survive, you have to. I'm- I'm sorry, darling. I didn't think this was possible. I have no idea how this is possible."

[lietwice]

Helping with the encryption is a worthwhile distraction, because when he's finished, he's a little more present than he had been. Not that he isn't still utterly terrified and very upset, of course, but he isn't on the verge of hyperventilating, at least for the moment. He manages a short nap while his partner works, curled up in a position that shouldn't be comfortable, but mostly, he sits and thinks. He thinks about what it would be like, to have a child. If he forgets about the fact that the child is inside him and that he has to carry them and bring them into the world, there is a part of him that feels... happy. It's a small and tentative part, easily drowned out by his many fears and worries, but at heart, Garak is a Cardassian, and having a family... well, that makes him feel Cardassian in a way he'd given up hoping for a very long time ago.

Julian turns to him, eventually, and the look on his face fills Garak with dread. He allows his hands to be taken, and he listens, but as soon as Julian starts to talk about another doctor, he pulls away, that protective-defensive-threatened feeling building in his chest. He's hissing again before he knows it, curling one arm around his abdomen and backing off, tail tensed, as though Julian is about to physically pull him towards another doctor right now. "No, no, no, no, no other doctor. Nobody else. Nobody else. I won't let them touch me."

[jsbashirmd]

He doesn't know either, and he laughs a little breathlessly before shaking his head and leaning down to kiss the corner of Garak's mouth. "I don't know," he echoes, pressing his forehead to Garak's temple for a moment before sitting back up. "Do you want me to leave it up while I check into more details? I need... I'm sorry, but I need a sample to look at the stability of the genetics. It takes him a minute to program the tiny transporter as specifically as he needs to, then he very carefully uses it to collect the sample he needs. "You can move, now, but it's going to take a while for me to process this." Probably close to an hour, if not more. "I can keep it more private if we move to my office, but someone could figure it out based on this sort of sample, even if they can't see the actual data. I don't know if anyone would dig that hard out of just curiosity, but it's a possibility you deserve to be aware of. I have to, though. Unless you want to abort, we have to know more." And he doesn't get the feeling that Garak wants that.

"Can I?" It's not often that he's this careful about giving Garak a choice in his medical care, but this isn't a vaccination or a straight-forward injury. This is more personal and more important and Julian feels helplessly unprepared to make these choices for him, even if he'd wanted to.

[lietwice]

It helps, somewhat, that Julian's feelings appear complicated too. It means he doesn't need to feel bad for being either more or less upset than this partner. "Yes," he says quietly, at the offer to leave the image up. He feels a strange attachment to it, despite it only being a picture, and the complicated feelings brought up by looking at it are a distraction from thinking about the sample Julian is taking.

People are going to find out anyway, he knows, but where there's a choice that might provide a little more privacy, Garak prefers to take it. "Your office," he agrees quietly, hand still resting on his abdomen. "And- and perhaps I can provide additional encryption?" He doesn't really feel up to focusing on the task, but he also doesn't like the idea of not doing everything he can to minimise the risk.

[jsbashirmd]

Julian takes a deep breath, hoping to calm himself too, then he rubs his thumb anxiously over the back of Garak's hand. "I want to make sure it is a fetus, first, and not a tumor or other abnormal growth. Then... Then we need to know if it's viable." There's more he'd like to know after, but that'll do for now. "None of this will be particularly invasive and nothing should be painful. I'm just looking." He lifts his hand to kiss it, breathes slowly for another moment, then sets up the device so it's held stable over Garak's abdomen and sets it to do its work. It takes almost a full minute, which feels like an eternity under the circumstances, then Julian projects an enhanced image of the fetus, which is developed enough to have a head and distinct limbs. "Well. That's question one answered. Are you okay?"

[lietwice]

Garak stares up at the ceiling while the device works, trying very hard -- and failing -- not to care about the answers to those questions. He's relatively sure, at this point, that he is pregnant. Despite his initial disbelief, it makes too much sense, based on his symptoms. But as for whether it's viable... well, he thinks either answer might be devastating. If it is, it's going to change both of their lives, and he's utterly terrified. If it's not... Garak isn't sure how he'll cope. He waits, frozen in place, breathing forcibly steadied.

When the scan is finished and the image appears, Garak can do nothing but stare, for at least thirty seconds. He can't answer Julian's question, can't look away, can't do anything but look. That's his child. His child, who has been growing inside him without his knowledge, utterly dependent on him and on his body to keep it safe. His hand moves slowly to his abdomen, and when he finally manages to tear his gaze away from the image, it's to look down at himself. "I don't know," he says quietly. Then, "are you?"

[jsbashirmd]

"No," he says, soothing his partner with gentle touches to his hands and face before removing his tunic again. "No, they won't know. I could be looking at a lot of different things--it's not specific to pregnancy." It's just better than a tricorder. He folds the tunic and sets it aside, then pushes Garak onto the biobed and sets up the scanner. "Deep, slow breaths," Julian encourages. "I don't want to start until you're a little calmer, because I need you to stay fairly still. How can I help?"

[lietwice]

Little touches from Julian's hands are always grounding. Even panicked like this, the touches create little pools of warm focus, fading into his awareness. They soothe him enough to get him out of his tunic and onto the biobed without much trouble. He lays back, assuming a 'relaxed' position with very little of the genuine relaxation, looking for all the world as though he's expecting to undergo an extremely painful procedure, but he has a little more success with slowing his breathing, now that they're here. "J-just. Tell me what you're looking for, Doctor?"

[jsbashirmd]

Ah. Well, alright then. "Yes, alright." Julian releases him and gets up himself, then he reluctantly sheds what little clothing he has on for bed in favor of his discarded uniform. If they don't want to draw any extra attention, they'll need to look as normal as possible, as though Julian hasn't pulled them from bed in the middle of the night with urgently upsetting news. "Just don't forget to breathe." When they're both clothed, he pulls Garak close for another hug, then possessively takes his hand.

The infirmary is quiet at this hour--not empty, but quiet--and they have very few witnesses to Julian selecting the appropriate equipment and nudging Garak into a room that he locks firmly behind them.

[lietwice]

Garak dresses quickly, hardly pausing for breath, adrenaline fuelling his every movement. He can't think beyond needing information, needing to know. Anything further ahead fades into nothingness. He manages to divert a little attention to trying to steady his breathing at the direct prompt from Julian, and focuses on that for the moment he's enveloped in Julian's arms, but as soon as he's released, he loses concentration again.

The sight of even a few other people is somehow unexpected. Garak shrinks back to the edge of the room while Julian gets the equipment, eyes darting between the three other people, until he's guided into a private room, at which point he manages to take a small, more controlled breath. "Will they know?" he asks, eyes flicking towards the door. "The equipment... could they work it out?"

[jsbashirmd]

Julian grunts and shifts just a little bit, then says, "Shorter shifts." Between a series of explosions on one of the docked ships, three other doctors stuck in their quarters with that highly-contagious flu, and Kestra squirming around every time he tries to lay down with her, but refusing to sleep on her own, he hasn't actually slept in nearly six shift rotations, and it's catching up to him. "And a less squirmy daughter." She giggles at that and moves around some more, attempting to climb back out of her yadik's lap.

[lietwice]

Garak captures her and holds her up in the air, then spins her around and brings her back down, wrapping his arms exaggeratedly around her in a big hug. "A less squirmy daughter? I'm afraid we don't have one of those in stock here at Garak's Clothiers, my dear. How long until your next shift? Perhaps you could get some sleep early, before Kestra's bedtime? I'm sure I can keep her entertained long enough for you to nap."

[jsbashirmd]

Julian grips him tighter and exaggerates his own breaths, hoping to give Garak something to match. "You're alright," he says quietly. "It'll all be alright, whatever we find out. We'll make it okay." He strokes his hair and kisses the side of his head and rocks them side to side a little. "I'm sorry," he adds. "I could've handled this better, but once we have all the information, then we can figure out a plan and it'll all be alright. I promise."

[lietwice]

"I want it now," he says immediately, jerking upright again. He's still very much struggling to regulate his breathing, but once it occurs to him that there's something they could do right now to gain more information, he tends to become focused on that. "Can we go now? Please, we need to." It must be the first time Garak has ever volunteered for any kind of scan or medical test, and the most willing he's ever been to get out of bed, but it's also the first time there has been another life developing within him that he's desperate to understand.

[jsbashirmd]

[[ unplotted starter for @lietwice

Julian doesn't say a word as he swings the half-asleep toddler up over Garak's head and plops her down in his lap. He did check for loose pins first, of course, but in the absence of any, he doesn't see a reason for discussion. Instead, he rolls himself over the back of the couch as well, ending up with his legs sprawled awkwardly over the armrest and his cheek pressed up against Garak's thigh.

[lietwice]

"Hello, my dear," he greets Kestra as she's deposited in his lap, pressing several kisses to her head. "What's Abba doing, hmm?" he asks her, watching his husband join them on the couch in a rather interesting method. "He's forgotten how to sit normally, you say? Oh, yes, I see... well, I think we'd better refer this to Dr. Bashir. Doctor, what cure would you recommend for someone who has forgotten how to sit normally?"

[jsbashirmd]

"I don't know," Julian responds, wishing desperately than he did. "I don't know, but we'll find out." They had to. What a mess. "We need to get a better look, first, before we'll really know anything. Then... Then what you want matters most of all. You don't have to have a baby. If that's really what it is... You don't have to, if you don't want to. That's important. But... But if you do, we'll figure it out." Julian sets the tricorder aside and scoots up close against Garak's side, where he can pull him into a tight embrace, one hand in his hair and his other around his back, his own face pressed cheek to cheek with Garak's.

[lietwice]

The idea of not having the baby seems to trigger something within him, because regardless of his actual thoughts on the subject, his body makes its own opinions quite clear. His tail twitches with agitation, and he hisses quietly without meaning to, soft but threatening - a warning hiss. Garak stops hissing as soon as he realises he's doing it, but it doesn't stop the strange discomfort in his chest urging him to do it again.

He leans heavily into Julian's hug, forcing himself to relax his tensed shoulders. Unfortunately, that just turns agitation into panic instead, like the whole universe is closing in on him. It's not long before he's started to tremble, pressing his face down against Julian's shoulder, taking short, rapid breaths. "I c-can't--"

[jsbashirmd]

[[ plotted starter for @lietwice

Garak has clearly been feeling properly awful for weeks. Julian has been watching him carefully, waiting for any chance to help or to comfort, and taking those opportunities where they come. But it's gone on long enough that when he has the chance to stealthily scan his sleeping partner, he takes it. It's unprofessional, it's an invasion of privacy, it's perfectlh normal for the two of them, but it's... devastating.

Pregnant. Julian tries to tell himself that it could be some sort of medical anomaly. An unfertilized egg growing out of control, a tumor that the body is mistaking for something else... His scan isn't specific enough to really know for sure. But Julian hadn't even known that Garak could become pregnant, and given his own deliberate lack of fertility... It's not necessarily a betrayal, but it feels like one, and Julian curses himself for being so nosey for nearly an hour before gently shaking Garak awake, his open tricorder still where his partner can see. There's no point in hiding his crimes now, but he does school his expression into one of sincere concern and apology rather than open hurt.

"Hi, darling. Can we talk about this?"

[lietwice]

Garak's usual response to being shaken awake is to protest sleepily and curl into his partner's side, but Julian's tone and words confuse him enough to prevent that. He's not sure what 'this' is, or why they need to talk about it so urgently that it warrants waking him up, but once his eyes fall on the tricorder, he assumes that must have something to do with it. He shifts to get a closer look at it, and then stops.

Pregnant? He's pregnant? Garak rereads it to make sure he's not mistaken, then again, then a third time, with mounting fear. He can't be pregnant. It's unusual for male Cardassians to be able to carry children, and while Garak was born with the trait, he's sure that was fixed during one of the surgeries he had as a young agent. It must have been. Tain certainly hated it enough to have ensured it. The tricorder must be faulty. It must be.

But... being pregnant would explain his recent symptoms. The fatigue, the lack of appetite, the random dizzy spells... all typical of a Cardassian pregnancy. It would even explain why he's been more anxious than usual around other people, why he's felt defensive and on edge every time a customer has come towards him slightly too fast.

"I don't understand," is what he says first, when he finally manages to speak. Now that he's begun to think perhaps he really is pregnant, panic is rising quickly. "A-are you sure? Do the scan again. Please."

[jsbashirmd]

"I'm not," Julian says, then clarifies, "I'm not sure. We need a more precise scan." He redoes it though, just to reassure him, and shows him the identical result. It's reassuring to him too, just a little, to see how obviously Garak didn't know, but he feels immediately guilty for that.

He sets a hand on Garak's arm and leans down to brush a kiss against his temple. "But do you... Do you know when it might have happened? Any idea how? Because I was under the impression that neither of us could become pregnant, let alone by each other." He doesn't want to turn this into an accusation or assignment of blame, and he tries to keep his tone fairly neutral. "So if there's not something I'm unaware of, there's a possibility that it's not a pregnancy at all, but something more... worrying." Not that a baby wouldn't be reason enough for worry. "Do you think we need to look for that?"

He probably should have waited till morning, rather than pushing to have this conversation in the middle of the night when they're both exhausted, but it's too late for that now. "I'm not going anywhere," he says, because that needs to be said too. Even if this is the result of Garak having sex with someone else, have they ever even talked about exclusivity? "I'm with you no matter what. Through whatever this is. You don't need to worry about that."

[lietwice]

He's not sure he can do anything but worry, right now, but at least that particular worry can move further down the list. He rubs his face with one hand and takes a shaky breath.

"No, no, I... I don't think so. It's not... I didn't know. It's a trait some male Cardassians have, it's unusual, but... I had it." He swallows, then corrects himself. "Well, have it, it would seem. Tain... despised it. He always said it needed to be fixed. I thought... I thought that it was dealt with during a surgery."

Perhaps Tain had decided it could be useful for an agent to have such a trait. Garak isn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "I'm sorry, my dear. I really didn't know." Guilt has welled up now, sitting painfully in his chest along with the crushing panic. "Is it- will the- the child be... healthy? A human-Cardassian child... what if it needs things my body cannot give it?"

[jsbashirmd]

[[ plotted starter for @lietwice

Garak has clearly been feeling properly awful for weeks. Julian has been watching him carefully, waiting for any chance to help or to comfort, and taking those opportunities where they come. But it's gone on long enough that when he has the chance to stealthily scan his sleeping partner, he takes it. It's unprofessional, it's an invasion of privacy, it's perfectlh normal for the two of them, but it's... devastating.

Pregnant. Julian tries to tell himself that it could be some sort of medical anomaly. An unfertilized egg growing out of control, a tumor that the body is mistaking for something else... His scan isn't specific enough to really know for sure. But Julian hadn't even known that Garak could become pregnant, and given his own deliberate lack of fertility... It's not necessarily a betrayal, but it feels like one, and Julian curses himself for being so nosey for nearly an hour before gently shaking Garak awake, his open tricorder still where his partner can see. There's no point in hiding his crimes now, but he does school his expression into one of sincere concern and apology rather than open hurt.

"Hi, darling. Can we talk about this?"

[lietwice]

Garak's usual response to being shaken awake is to protest sleepily and curl into his partner's side, but Julian's tone and words confuse him enough to prevent that. He's not sure what 'this' is, or why they need to talk about it so urgently that it warrants waking him up, but once his eyes fall on the tricorder, he assumes that must have something to do with it. He shifts to get a closer look at it, and then stops.

Pregnant? He's pregnant? Garak rereads it to make sure he's not mistaken, then again, then a third time, with mounting fear. He can't be pregnant. It's unusual for male Cardassians to be able to carry children, and while Garak was born with the trait, he's sure that was fixed during one of the surgeries he had as a young agent. It must have been. Tain certainly hated it enough to have ensured it. The tricorder must be faulty. It must be.

But... being pregnant would explain his recent symptoms. The fatigue, the lack of appetite, the random dizzy spells... all typical of a Cardassian pregnancy. It would even explain why he's been more anxious than usual around other people, why he's felt defensive and on edge every time a customer has come towards him slightly too fast.

"I don't understand," is what he says first, when he finally manages to speak. Now that he's begun to think perhaps he really is pregnant, panic is rising quickly. "A-are you sure? Do the scan again. Please."

[jsbashirmd]

He doesn't want to agree with that. Is it true? Has he been dealt a worse hand here? Perhaps, but if he has, then it's only because Garak has been given the worse lot in life. And that's too tragic for him to want to dwell on. He just presses his face down into his forearms and makes an unhappy little sound. Then he stays quiet, letting the slowness of everything and the warmth and the comforting touch sooth him into relaxing a bit more. Shockingly, it works. Between the lingering effects of the medication and the soothing motions of his partner at his back, he's lulled into a gentle sort of half-dozing rest where his thoughts move like molasses and focus primarily on how much he'd like Garak to just wrap around him and protect them both from everything.

[lietwice]

Garak strokes Julian's back for much longer than he expects to manage. His back and hips don't even hurt from sitting at this angle, and he has so much more energy than he's used to! He can sit here as long as he likes, relieved to be able to do something for his partner at last. Of course it would be this that works to soothe him. It reminds Garak of the first time Julian did this for him -- it had been the first time anybody had touched him so gently, and he'd nearly cried. He doesn't speak, not wanting to rouse Julian from what Garak knows to be a wonderfully relaxed half-consciousness. Instead, he continues a while longer, and then slowly lowers himself to lay half on and half beside Julian, stroking along his back and his side.