Mich’Angelo Rhaegal Wyatt Leija

28 || Trans Male || ID || Alcoholic "If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth, you have already forgotten your value." -Unknown

[life-with-mikey]

The Long Drive

It’s been a minute since I’ve jotted down whatever thoughts have been going through my mind. It’s funny because I actually have a blog that I never use, I certainly just decide to use this one every single time. I prefer it. My friends and family never read any of these blogs but this one isn’t as much work. It feels safe here. It feels like my sanctuary. This is home to me.

Life has been so frustrating. I feel like I’ve been stuck at home forever. Not being able to go where ever I please, not being able to hang out with the very very few friends I have without them having to come to my house or pick me up. I miss being able to drive. Not even to friends houses or from point A to point B. Just in general. I miss the music. I miss the wind in my face. I miss the heat, the cold, the windows, the radio, the sound of the engine steam rolling down the backroads. I miss the freedom. The driiiivvvveeeee!! The morning drives, the evening drives, the freeway drives, the late night drives, the drives to my most sacred fishing spot that doesn’t mean Shit unless you chum it late at night. The steering wheel in my hand, the gas pedal beneath my right foot. My right hand striking the gears, turning what ever knob necessary for the radio, heater, or AC.

I miss finagling through behind my own seat just to find a drink. Reaching my arm over to the trash bag around the passengers seat head rest to dump the wrappers from my smoke packs. Ooohh and the smoke filling up my car, enwreathing me like a Christmas tree while I leave the widow cracked only to ash in my ash tray and smell the light breeze of the night and all the cigarette smoke my lungs can handle. The squealing, the creaking, when the car went wrong, the noises ceasing when it was in better shape, the noise of every animal passing by trying to run across the road as my life flashes before my eyes. God! God do I miss the drive.

I miss stopping for gas even though I know the prices are rising. I miss stopping by my local auto zone and buying cheesy accessories because real tree seat covers weren’t good enough. I know I mentioned this already but the music. The music from the radio. Switching stations whenever there was a commercial. Good god. I want that again so badly.

[life-with-mikey]

Lonely and Alone

Loneliness is but a part of me. It always will be. There’s a difference between being lonely and alone. It’s hard to distinguish the two. In moments it can be “I am lonely but I am not alone”. In other moments it can be “I am alone but I am not lonely”. In some moments it can’t be “I am alone and lonely” or “I am lonely and alone”. How can you decipher the few? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out for thee longest time. There are times when I just feel alone and times when I just feel lonely. I have come to the conclusion that most times I just feel alone. Without being. If that makes sense. I spend a vast amount of time on my own. Vast, being any point from A to B. With no contact to the outside world, and no contact from the people that I live with. It can be a depressant at times, but if I can distinguish the two feelings I should be able to cancel out that depressant. At least that is the theory. Being alone has been a long time fear of mine, I don’t have friends who can just come over at a moments notice, I don’t have friends who I can call at the stroke of midnight or even later. I don’t even have family I can do that with. I’m starting to feel like I need someone like that. To just talk to, to vent to. I’m more than gracious to be that person for anyone.. but is there one person out there that I can just get ahold of any time of day or night and just let myself go? People like that don’t exist anymore… do they?

[life-with-mikey]

Dear Metaphorical Diary

There is someone out there that is worth the wait. Worth not jumping in for. Worth getting to know. There is someone out there who cares about me in ways I never imagined. There is someone out there who picks me, maybe not first but they pick me. There is someone out there who truly knows what it’s like to be patient, kind, understanding, loving, honest, all those things and more. There is someone. I don’t know who, but they are out there. I don’t want to look for you, but I can tell you, I’ll be here, not even waiting. Just living my life… doing what I need to do to move forward with my life. I know you’re out there. I’m here too.

[life-with-mikey]

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

So, in the midst of finding out that my ex was a cheating, lying, narcissistic, manipulator; I also tore my meniscus. Here’s the thing, right when I needed that person the most, they disappeared. I didn’t even leave her because she was cheating on me, I left her because she left me in the dark and ignored me for days at a time, because she was cheating on me.

This is on subject, I swear. Ever since my knee got really bad, I haven’t been going to work because I can only hobble around. So, I’ve been home during the week days, pretty much by myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’ve got 4 dogs and my little brother; but my little brother stays in his room most the day. A lot of the time he just wants to go out and do something with his friends, which I get, he’s 13, he “has a life” of whatever.

There’s something refreshing though, about the loneliness I feel when I’m home alone — and the loneliness I felt when I was with my ex. See those are two different kinds of lonely, with my ex it was: “Someone I love doesn’t show me that they love me the way they say they do, and doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, and it makes me feel lonely.” That’s a… that’s a pretty harmful feeling. To feel like the person you love doesn’t care about you. It really does a number. So, with being home, not able to work, not seeing people it’s: “Damn, I really can’t stand the quiet. I really can’t stand being stuck here alone all the time.” See? Huge difference. This one doesn’t hurt. It’s just me being alone. Too hyper aware of my surroundings and everything that happens in my day to day life. No excitement, no adventure, just me, my books, my laptop, my phone, and my dog. It’s miserable, but not painful.

To my lying, cheating, narcissistic, manipulative ex; I’m gonna treat you on these blogs like I have any other person who’s ever hurt me. Thank you, thank you for showing me what people can be like, and thank you for preaching it, thank you for acting like a victim when I was your victim the entire time. Thank you for exposing your children to it, so I could be lied to by those poor babies too. As far as I’m concerned, the only innocent person was the dog, and he’ll always be my favorite. But seriously, thank you, for opening up my eyes.

Though, I should really be thanking your neighbors.

[life-with-mikey]

Real Talk

It’s been 3 days since I learned that my ex was cheating on me. I don’t know for how long but I’m pretty sure she’s been fooling me the entire time. I fell for every single lie, the manipulation… the hurt… I am so angry. Did she seriously think I wouldn’t find out eventually??? I’m just glad I found out sooner than later. I know now to always go with my gut rather than to just believe that things will work and that everything will be okay. Because friends, life is not okay if things seem weird. You want everything to just be okay with all the lies and sneaking around and narcissism. Because I always thought I was doing something wrong, when I wasn’t. Isn’t that crazy though because usually it’s females who have to deal with this shit… and here I am. Dealing with this shit. I gave it my all and I put so much effort into everything we had and I believed her over everything else… and I was proved wrong. My worth is so much more than that, and I know that. However, my standards were a hell of a lot lower than what they are now.

Y’all I’m telling you if Shit is iffy, don’t work so hard for it. Don’t fall for the bullshit. Don’t do what I did and get yourself hurt. Because you are worth all the things you want in anything in life. Believe that.

[life-with-mikey]

Back Again

The days right now seem gloomy, it could be the rain, or it could be the experiences I’ve been going through lately. I could tell you one thing, I’ve certainly seen brighter days. Better days. I’m separated between truth and lies. It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore. I honestly don’t even know if I have a gut feeling about it. As much as I’d like to fill in the situation, it’s highly sensitive and I would rather not reveal too much of my life on the internet. Mostly because it’s such a vast place, anything can be found. Even this blog, where I share the most vulnerable parts of myself. Let’s just say this, I have a situation going on where I don’t know wether to follow my head or my heart. It has to do with a certain relationship I’m in, or at least I think I’m in it. I have no idea what’s going on right now. However, I have put a lot of effort into this particular relationship, and I’m hearing things about a certain situation that could possibly break my entire trust in this coupling. This isn’t the first time that my trust has been compromised in this particular relationship, and I have to say… this is severely crippling my heart, emotions, feelings, thoughts. I see through a different window now. There are some factors that have made this worse.

When it all comes down to it. I need someone who is going to choose me. Like, just choose me. Choose me every time like I’m not an option. Choose me every time like there’s nothing left to lose. Because honestly, if someone lost me, it’s because I didn’t feel like I was wanted or needed. I’ve heard this thing about the 72 hour rule, right? It’s basically this, don’t reach out for 72 hours. If they reach out to you first and check up on you, then it will be okay, they could potentially be worth it. However, if they don’t, then why worry about it at all. If you really don’t matter to them that much then they shouldn’t matter to you all that much either.

I’m gonna put time to the test. So far it’s been 15 hours. I guess I’ll see where it goes.

[life-with-mikey]

I Wish I Could Be More Vulnerable

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about my distant past. The things that I can’t remember. The things I’ve been told. A recent conversation brought up some stuff that I’ve healed from, but still bothers me. My young self— very young self. Something I don’t ever think I will ever be able to remember because… I never even knew it happened. I was 2, but I was 25 when I found out. It’s a tragic thing to learn something way after something has happened, especially when it’s something bad that happened to you. Something so cruel, so inhumane, so disgusting… It makes you wonder if any of the choices you’ve made in life had anything to do with it.

I’ve been in a spot in my life where nothing seems to continue. It’s just a never ending loop, much like those cinema films where the same day cycles over and over. That’s pretty much my life with slight differences, just like the films. Those differences never seem to get me unstuck from where I am and I see no ending in sight. No bright lights. No coming to my senses. It’s a scary place to be.

There is one thing that keeps me going, though. I don’t quite know what it is… but I can feel it. I can sense it. No, it’s not my dog, my parents, or my job, but thank you for the humor. It’s something deeper than that. Something that keeps telling me that I can get through this mangled mess of a trauma that I have never seemed to heal from— as much as I think I have. That couldn’t possibly be true because I’m still an alcoholic. However, there’s a bittersweet tune that my voice has been humming to; far in the back of my mind. I can hear it. I can feel it. I can sense it. It’s coming, and it’s close, it’s so close I can almost taste it.

[life-with-mikey]

Oh How The Time Has Passed

The year that I have had has been like no other. Constant downfalls, broken hearts, drunken nights, lost recovery, falling back into this mysterious black hole that seems to never show light. There are three constant things in my life that have been so good to me. Those things are my parents, my dog, and my job. I know what you’re going to say, “those are all good things, what more could you want?” That’s a good question my friends. Let me fill you in on some detail, though.

I have been living with my parents for what seems like my entire life. Sure, at times, I took a couple of hiatuses; disappearing into the vast wild of what life could possibly be like. I’ve met so many wonderful people, and disregarded so many others. I’ve been on the path to nowhere for so damn long. I’ve broken people, unintentionally… for my own benefit of happiness… to escape toxicity… for many selfish reasons. Though selfishness may not always be a bad thing, the guilt still weighs on you. I’ve learned, however. I’ve learned quite a bit. What I like, what I don’t like, what I think I deserve, what I want my goals to be, what I want my future to look like. And each time I take a step toward it, it feels like I’m walking further and further away. Kind of a “one step forward, two steps back” kind of deal.

Oh, and I’ve loved. I’ve loved like no other person I know could love. The trickling part is that my love is so overbearing, it’s patient, it’s kind, it’s understanding, but so overbearing. I can’t express how much it is. As soon as I think I’ve got one foot in, my foot comes right back out. It’s a never ending pattern for me. It all goes back to some of these posts I’ve blogged about last year and the months before my “sobriety” of trying to quit drinking. This is a stem from childhood, and I never truly understood it. How I’ve always pushed myself away from people because I thought I deserved to feel the hurt of every bad thing I’ve ever done to anyone. There comes a part in sobriety where you feel a desperate need to apologize to everyone or make up for things that you’ve done. I turned back to the alcohol, ignoring all of those things. Even now, indulging as I write everything down, the alcohol seems to take over; but it’s no excuse.

The year that has past has been one for a book of memories. These entries that I’ve written are things to come back to and remember a time where I was so lost. Realizing how far I’ve come and what I’ve learned, in… honestly, the last 4 years since I’ve been on here. My lifestyle isn’t exactly top notch. It isn’t even where I need to be right now. But it’s what I have. The money, the family, the indulgence. I can’t say that I’ve never been better, I’m actually miserable. Blaming myself for every little thing that has gone absurdly wrong in my life. There’s no one else to blame. My actions are my actions, my choices… I have made. I am who I am right now. Desperately waiting for myself to come to some kind of conclusion for a change… is it life or death? Not right now. Have I hit rock bottom? I have never allowed myself to.

Okay, enough is enough tonight. My honesty can only take me so far. Until next time. Though, I’m hoping it won’t take another year to confess all my feelings, sins, and pure bullshit.

[life-with-mikey]

Memoirs of A Broken Heart

For a minute, I thought I was doing fine. I was working on myself, I was keeping up my credit, and working on saving up to get a place of my own. I was drinking less, smoking less, eating more. I was healthy in every sense of the word healthy, and then you came along.

Like a whirlwind of emotions and feelings I’d never felt before. I used to think you brought light to my every day, calmed me in my shit storm of stress. I thought I was a better person because of you, because of how we communicated. How we endured every day like we were two separate people, but one. It was me and you against the world, against what anyone thought of us, their opinions didn’t matter except when they really mattered.

And just like that... poof. I became too much. Too overbearing, too concerned, too protective. If I knew of a way to fix it, I’d fix it in a heart beat. And I tried. The further apart we grew the more my heart began to shatter. I always expected that I would be the one to leave and hurt you, but surprise. You did it for me. Here’s the kicker though, I never wanted to leave, I never wanted to be apart. But everything happened the way it needed to happen in order for me to move along in my life.

The more I hear about it, the more I stress about it, the more vent about it, the more I hurt. Believe me, I’m trying not to stress about it, I’m trying not to think about it, I’m trying not to talk about it; but a very wise person once told me that I have to talk about things in order to feel relieved about them. The truth is, I can talk to everyone and their grandma, but I can’t talk to you. I need to, and I want to, but I know if I see you I’ll only hurt more because of it. If I talk to you, if I hear your voice... the memories there linger. And I have to carry that with me every day of my life until I find a way to get through this without harming myself in any way.

Which begs the question... how? How to get through a broken heart. Well pal, buck up because I know this ain’t my first rodeo. Though it may be my last.

[life-with-mikey]

Fear

When I describe my own personal fear; the side of me that understands it the most, this is the result.

I’m in a dark, cold, lonely place, and I feel small. As small as the flakes of snow that fall in early November. When winter is here, but not quite entirely. I hug my knees to protect myself from this fear that I’m feeling. All the while I build up these tall dark walls that seem almost impenetrable. No one can get through and I cannot get out. For a moment I feel nothing. I say nothing. I think nothing. I hear nothing. I am nothing.

And those walls I thought were so impenetrable, they crack. And through the cracks come slipping every emotion possibly felt by any human being in exesitence. And I feel every one of them all at the same time that it becomes so overwhelming, I have no clue which one I should be feeling.

Most of what I feel is fear, but it’s mixed with sadness, anger, doubt, hopelessness, emptiness, all the negatives you can find. And that, my friends, that is what fear is to me.

[life-with-mikey]

Vent to self,

In light of having had conversation with my dad....

I don’t know what to think anymore. My dad has always had some great insight and he still does. He always does. I just have to take into consideration the things that I’ve gone through and what advice or opinion he had to tell me.

He’s the one person who, in the year and almost half that I’ve known him, has always been honest and unbiased with me. He tells me the brutal truth even when I don’t want to know it. How I am, and I how I’m feeling, he always knows.

With the information that I have now, I have no idea how to move forward. Do I stop? Do I continue? Do I confront? Do I stand my ground? Perhaps with a clear mind, I’ll know how to go forward with all those things. But at the time being, I don’t want a clear mind. I want to numb myself with all the pain that I have in my chest and my heart. And close off from the world. My dad...

He’s the only one I can trust right now.

[life-with-mikey]

Note to self,

Stop listening to those sad songs. Don’t watch those movies that make you cry. Stop wallowing in yourself pity. Pick your fat ass off the ground and do something. Go to the gym, take a walk, spoil yourself for once. Remind yourself of all the reasons you want to try. Make memories for yourself to look back on. Stop being so angry with life and talk to someone about it, maybe a professional or someone you fully trust.

Get back in your groove of being happy because hating yourself and being angry and depressed all the time, allowing yourself to lay in your bed all day every day feeling emotionless, hurting yourself more than you know you are, isn’t working for you. It never has and it never will.

Learn how to enjoy your life, your time with people. Learn to be humble, learn to understand better, learn to be more patient and kind, teach yourself and if you can’t then have someone else teach you.

You’re new at this. You’re new at knowing how to be happy. You get that. But you can’t keep falling back to your old ways when things go wrong. You have to lift your head up and say “I can get through this without getting mad, upset, hurt.” For Christ’s sakes you’re a grown ass adult now. You think life is almost over but you have your whole life ahead of you. Make friends, build a relationship. Keep yourself happy for once.

Stop trying to fix people, stop trying to make them happy. Do what makes you happy. Even if what makes you happy is living in a cardboard box on the side of the road. Just make peace with yourself. And if you’re ever feeling down. Come back to this. Read it. Over and over and over. Read it 20 times in the same night if you have to. Because you deserve better than to be dragging yourself down. Open your eyes, kiddo. Because life is better, you just have to see it.

[life-with-mikey]

I Said I Wanted to Write More

So, this will be my sanctuary. This will be the place where I’m brutally honest. Want to know me? Read here. Understand that this is my space, where everything falls out. I don’t care how mad you get at me or how you feel about it, this is my release.

[life-with-mikey]

Your Typical Support Group

Hi... my name is Mikey and I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to anger. I’m addicted to being mad and being hurt. I’m addicted to yelling and blowing up. I’m addicted to speaking my mind until I speak it so much I get angry about it. I’m addicted to getting so mad that I cry, and then try to reason with it. I’m addicted to feeling that sinking feeling in my chest because I’m so goddamn angry. And I’m addicted to watching people walk away because I’m angry. And I’m addicted to being alone because of my anger.

Also I’m an alcoholic, but I guess you could have figured that out by now.

[life-with-mikey]

When I said I Hurt Myself

I meant that I popped open that 5 year old package of razor blades and felt that flimsy metal against my skin. I felt it tear through my skin swiftly without pain. I watched the trinklets of blood pulse out like tear drops. I watched those tear drops band together to make a pool, and then I did it again, and again, and again. Because apparently 5 years wasn’t good enough, being broken and damaged was the goal at the end of that 5 year rush. And oh what a rush it was.

I meant that I starved myself for days because food was the last thing I could think about. I locked myself in my room and spoke to no one. But god knows I’m not getting any skinnier either.

I meant that I drank myself silly without anyone knowing. I flicked that tab right open, tab after tab after tab after tab. Until I couldn’t see straight. Think straight. And then when I got way too drunk...

I meant that I messaged you, and forced you to close off by giving you your own ultimatum. By making you think that you had to chose the one to close off. When I said I hurt myself, I meant that I forced you to hurt me because I didn’t deserve you and I needed to feel the hurt.

So thank you. For letting me feel it, for letting me break my own heart.