#confessionsoftheheart

[confessions-of-the-heart-project]

[life-with-mikey]

Lonely and Alone

Loneliness is but a part of me. It always will be. There’s a difference between being lonely and alone. It’s hard to distinguish the two. In moments it can be “I am lonely but I am not alone”. In other moments it can be “I am alone but I am not lonely”. In some moments it can’t be “I am alone and lonely” or “I am lonely and alone”. How can you decipher the few? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out for thee longest time. There are times when I just feel alone and times when I just feel lonely. I have come to the conclusion that most times I just feel alone. Without being. If that makes sense. I spend a vast amount of time on my own. Vast, being any point from A to B. With no contact to the outside world, and no contact from the people that I live with. It can be a depressant at times, but if I can distinguish the two feelings I should be able to cancel out that depressant. At least that is the theory. Being alone has been a long time fear of mine, I don’t have friends who can just come over at a moments notice, I don’t have friends who I can call at the stroke of midnight or even later. I don’t even have family I can do that with. I’m starting to feel like I need someone like that. To just talk to, to vent to. I’m more than gracious to be that person for anyone.. but is there one person out there that I can just get ahold of any time of day or night and just let myself go? People like that don’t exist anymore… do they?

[life-with-mikey]

Dear Metaphorical Diary

There is someone out there that is worth the wait. Worth not jumping in for. Worth getting to know. There is someone out there who cares about me in ways I never imagined. There is someone out there who picks me, maybe not first but they pick me. There is someone out there who truly knows what it’s like to be patient, kind, understanding, loving, honest, all those things and more. There is someone. I don’t know who, but they are out there. I don’t want to look for you, but I can tell you, I’ll be here, not even waiting. Just living my life… doing what I need to do to move forward with my life. I know you’re out there. I’m here too.

[life-with-mikey]

Real Talk

It’s been 3 days since I learned that my ex was cheating on me. I don’t know for how long but I’m pretty sure she’s been fooling me the entire time. I fell for every single lie, the manipulation… the hurt… I am so angry. Did she seriously think I wouldn’t find out eventually??? I’m just glad I found out sooner than later. I know now to always go with my gut rather than to just believe that things will work and that everything will be okay. Because friends, life is not okay if things seem weird. You want everything to just be okay with all the lies and sneaking around and narcissism. Because I always thought I was doing something wrong, when I wasn’t. Isn’t that crazy though because usually it’s females who have to deal with this shit… and here I am. Dealing with this shit. I gave it my all and I put so much effort into everything we had and I believed her over everything else… and I was proved wrong. My worth is so much more than that, and I know that. However, my standards were a hell of a lot lower than what they are now.

Y’all I’m telling you if Shit is iffy, don’t work so hard for it. Don’t fall for the bullshit. Don’t do what I did and get yourself hurt. Because you are worth all the things you want in anything in life. Believe that.

[life-with-mikey]

Back Again

The days right now seem gloomy, it could be the rain, or it could be the experiences I’ve been going through lately. I could tell you one thing, I’ve certainly seen brighter days. Better days. I’m separated between truth and lies. It’s hard to tell what’s real anymore. I honestly don’t even know if I have a gut feeling about it. As much as I’d like to fill in the situation, it’s highly sensitive and I would rather not reveal too much of my life on the internet. Mostly because it’s such a vast place, anything can be found. Even this blog, where I share the most vulnerable parts of myself. Let’s just say this, I have a situation going on where I don’t know wether to follow my head or my heart. It has to do with a certain relationship I’m in, or at least I think I’m in it. I have no idea what’s going on right now. However, I have put a lot of effort into this particular relationship, and I’m hearing things about a certain situation that could possibly break my entire trust in this coupling. This isn’t the first time that my trust has been compromised in this particular relationship, and I have to say… this is severely crippling my heart, emotions, feelings, thoughts. I see through a different window now. There are some factors that have made this worse.

When it all comes down to it. I need someone who is going to choose me. Like, just choose me. Choose me every time like I’m not an option. Choose me every time like there’s nothing left to lose. Because honestly, if someone lost me, it’s because I didn’t feel like I was wanted or needed. I’ve heard this thing about the 72 hour rule, right? It’s basically this, don’t reach out for 72 hours. If they reach out to you first and check up on you, then it will be okay, they could potentially be worth it. However, if they don’t, then why worry about it at all. If you really don’t matter to them that much then they shouldn’t matter to you all that much either.

I’m gonna put time to the test. So far it’s been 15 hours. I guess I’ll see where it goes.

[life-with-mikey]

Oh How The Time Has Passed

The year that I have had has been like no other. Constant downfalls, broken hearts, drunken nights, lost recovery, falling back into this mysterious black hole that seems to never show light. There are three constant things in my life that have been so good to me. Those things are my parents, my dog, and my job. I know what you’re going to say, “those are all good things, what more could you want?” That’s a good question my friends. Let me fill you in on some detail, though.

I have been living with my parents for what seems like my entire life. Sure, at times, I took a couple of hiatuses; disappearing into the vast wild of what life could possibly be like. I’ve met so many wonderful people, and disregarded so many others. I’ve been on the path to nowhere for so damn long. I’ve broken people, unintentionally… for my own benefit of happiness… to escape toxicity… for many selfish reasons. Though selfishness may not always be a bad thing, the guilt still weighs on you. I’ve learned, however. I’ve learned quite a bit. What I like, what I don’t like, what I think I deserve, what I want my goals to be, what I want my future to look like. And each time I take a step toward it, it feels like I’m walking further and further away. Kind of a “one step forward, two steps back” kind of deal.

Oh, and I’ve loved. I’ve loved like no other person I know could love. The trickling part is that my love is so overbearing, it’s patient, it’s kind, it’s understanding, but so overbearing. I can’t express how much it is. As soon as I think I’ve got one foot in, my foot comes right back out. It’s a never ending pattern for me. It all goes back to some of these posts I’ve blogged about last year and the months before my “sobriety” of trying to quit drinking. This is a stem from childhood, and I never truly understood it. How I’ve always pushed myself away from people because I thought I deserved to feel the hurt of every bad thing I’ve ever done to anyone. There comes a part in sobriety where you feel a desperate need to apologize to everyone or make up for things that you’ve done. I turned back to the alcohol, ignoring all of those things. Even now, indulging as I write everything down, the alcohol seems to take over; but it’s no excuse.

The year that has past has been one for a book of memories. These entries that I’ve written are things to come back to and remember a time where I was so lost. Realizing how far I’ve come and what I’ve learned, in… honestly, the last 4 years since I’ve been on here. My lifestyle isn’t exactly top notch. It isn’t even where I need to be right now. But it’s what I have. The money, the family, the indulgence. I can’t say that I’ve never been better, I’m actually miserable. Blaming myself for every little thing that has gone absurdly wrong in my life. There’s no one else to blame. My actions are my actions, my choices… I have made. I am who I am right now. Desperately waiting for myself to come to some kind of conclusion for a change… is it life or death? Not right now. Have I hit rock bottom? I have never allowed myself to.

Okay, enough is enough tonight. My honesty can only take me so far. Until next time. Though, I’m hoping it won’t take another year to confess all my feelings, sins, and pure bullshit.

[life-with-mikey]

Vent to self,

In light of having had conversation with my dad....

I don’t know what to think anymore. My dad has always had some great insight and he still does. He always does. I just have to take into consideration the things that I’ve gone through and what advice or opinion he had to tell me.

He’s the one person who, in the year and almost half that I’ve known him, has always been honest and unbiased with me. He tells me the brutal truth even when I don’t want to know it. How I am, and I how I’m feeling, he always knows.

With the information that I have now, I have no idea how to move forward. Do I stop? Do I continue? Do I confront? Do I stand my ground? Perhaps with a clear mind, I’ll know how to go forward with all those things. But at the time being, I don’t want a clear mind. I want to numb myself with all the pain that I have in my chest and my heart. And close off from the world. My dad...

He’s the only one I can trust right now.

[confessions-of-the-heart-project]