Lifetime & Wine

Lifetime Movies and Wine Pairings

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

The Perfect Teacher (2010) and Something Pink, Something Hard

Movie: The Perfect Teacher (2010)

Wine pairing: Nothing will work. 

Alternative title: Bitch is Crazy

Tagline: Murder, kidnapping, and false accusations of rape - all in the name of love.

  Poor, poor Devon. The unlikeable, unfriendly, and manipulative queen bee falls in love with her handsome trig teacher. She cozies up to him by assisting him at volleyball practice (despite a blatant loathing of the sport), becoming the damsel-in-distress on a weekend volleyball outing, and joining the single father on ice cream dates with his daughter. It sounds innocent, but don't let me leave out the whole killing his ex-wife and kidnapping his daughter thing, all committed by a girl with serious daddy issues.

  All in all, this film was a predictible bore. Crazy breaks into his house, crazy smells his dirty laundry, crazy wants to become mommy to his half-orphaned daughter. Oh, and crazy pours cleaning solvent in a her daddy's lover's mascara. Nearing the end, trig teacher is safe with Devon locked up, but the new object of her affection is her handsome psychiat...oh god, I'm even boring myself. Sorry folks.

Best line: "Don't they have a thing called privacy in Costa Rica or Puerto Rico or wherever the hell you're from?"

  Guilty pleasure rating: Skip the wine. Go for something pink, something girly, and something hard.

Watch it now... if anything about it appeals to you.

SMT

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

Twisted Desire (1996) and Wild Horse Chardonnay 2007

Alternative titles: Melissa Joan Hart Murders her Parents; For the Love of Vinnie; Poor Jeremy Jordan (Not the Porn Star)

Watch it here!

This movie, based on a true story, is amazing.  It involves an all-star cast, starting with MJH who drives everyone crazy yet is adorable all the same. I don't know what qualities she possesses other than poor acting, awkward facial expressions, and a bad bang trim, but I am willing to watch everything she does just to be incredibly annoyed.  Playing the ill-fated father of MJH is Baldwin Brother Daniel - a chunkier Stephen and a sleazier Alec.  And this isn't all.  We have boyfriend Brad, (aka Vinnie from Blossom) and the popular Prom King Jeremy Jordan from Never Been Kissed (not to be confused with pornographic film actor, Jeremy Jordan).

Mr. Stanton is rather strict with rebellious teen daughter Jennifer (rebellious is defined as showing too much skin, deliberately disobeying her parents, and crying when she hears the word no – not atypical among teens).  Daddy Dearest has a history of destroying her relationships, and his refusal to let her attend a concert with current boyfriend Brad (Vinnie) leads to their inevitable breakup.  Brad states, "When you deal with your father, give me a call."  And deal with him she does.  

Enter handsome ex-con gas station attendant Nick Ryan.  And the story is as follows: Girl meets boy.  Boy loves girl.  Girl convinces boy to kill her overprotective and allegedly abusive (they are not) parents so they can be together.  Boy kills overprotective and allegedly abusive parents.  Girl turns in boy and runs to ex-boyfriend for consolation and support.

Jennifer might be clever but she is not off the hook. Best friend Karen notices Jennifer’s odd behavior and finds evidence (a confession in her diary) that she was involved in the murders - evidence that Jennifer eventually destroys.  Brad then comes to the rescue when he records Jennifer’s confession of her involvement.  The movie closes with the cops swarming in as Jennifer stands confused and distraught among the flashing lights.

Aspects of this movie I love: MJH's awkward facial expressions (but remember, we love her). 

      Two awesome detectives: the familiar and adorable Kurt Fuller (Wayne's World, Monk) and the smooth, clever detective who suspects Jennifer from the start. 

Aspects of this movie deemed twisted: Sex in her parents' bed.  Unacceptable, even if you're planning on setting up your lover for murder.

Watching a porno at a teenage slumber party. 

Oh, yes, plotting the murder of one's parents.

What we've learned: If your friend's parents are murdered immediately before she reunites with a former lover, investigate by means of reading her diary and looking for stray bullets to determine her involvement in the murder.

Some murderers write about their crimes in a diary… so start snooping. 

There’s a Jeremy Jordan pornographic film actor.

Final question: We know that MJH would commit murder for the love of Vinnie.  But what would Blossom do?

Suggested pairing: Wild Horse Chardonnay 2007.  It's a multi-dimensional wine displaying various fruity flavors, similar to the variety of personas Melissa Joan Hart takes on in this role: daughter, friend, victim, manipulator, murderer, and selfish bitch.  I recommend pairing this with two spoonfuls of Nestle Toll House premade cookie dough. 

Guilty pleasure rating: 2/6 glasses of wine.  Altogether rather enjoyable.

SMT

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

Falling For You (1995) and Hamilton-Stevens’ Dry Creek Zinfandel (2009)

Meg is feeling lonely and down.  She’s recently had a breakup with some loser boyfriend, and all over the news are the reports of the serial murderer whose modus operandi is to throw young blondes out the window of high-rise buildings.

She’s feeling so down that she goes out to the bar by herself while dramatic music plays and the fog rolls into New York.  A handsome man approaches and condescendingly makes assumptions (“I can that you’re sad because of the way you grip your wineglass”) which Meg finds charming.  This starts off a romance between Meg and Paul, and Paul takes her on adventures, like stealing room service food from a hotel or going to poetry readings in the Village. 

Meanwhile, New York’s Finest are trying to figure out who is going around throwing young blondes out the window.  They chase bad leads (one in a Goth club which features a man licking someone else’s face) and exchange what passes for witty banter on Lifetime. 

Anyways, you guessed it! Our girl Meg gets thrown out the window.  It was Paul! And she loved him!  But she lands on a ledge a few feet down and is perfectly fine, except for a touch of amnesia.  She can’t remember the past few months.  And she refuses to cooperate with the police, because of some back story involving being orphaned at 9 after a cop raped and murdered her mother. 

Meg may have forgotten Paul, but Paul has not forgotten Meg! He changes his name and moves into her apartment building.  They spark up a romance, but Meg’s memory comes back right at the last moment, and the police figure it out at the same time!  When the police run into the apartment, Paul jumps out the window!  The policeman runs downstairs to get a closer look at the body splattered on the sidewalk, and Meg immediately goes to sleep on the couch.  But when the policeman gets downstairs, there's no body- he must have landed on the ledge!

Meanwhile, Meg is now fast asleep and does not notice Paul climbing back up from the ledge through her window until he grabs her neck.  Meg beats the shit out of him and kicks him out the window.

I’ve tried to withhold judgment, but between the constantly foggy New York, the unexplained desire of a man to continuously throw blondes out the window, an overly dramatic score, and lots or unrelated and confusing detail--not to mention the unrealistic ending-- I was truly in awe of this movie. 

This movie would go well with any mediocre Zinfandel. I recommend Hamilton-Stevens’ Dry Creek Zinfandel 2009.  Overly sweet and slightly tannic, this is a wine that you’ll keep drinking even though each sip makes your cringe.  This wine lacks any kind of zest, and its deep color and slight thickness will remind you of the fog rolling into New York as another blonde goes out the window.

Guilty Pleasure Rating: 5/6 glasses of wine

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

Deadly Isolation and Bridgeview 2009 Blue Moon Riesling

Deadly Isolation: beware the murderous houseguest who will kind of fall in love with you and still kill your closest friends.  P.S. He is also a jewel thief.

Give me the keys.  Give me the keys.  Give me the keys.  Give me the keys.

Sherilyn Fenn wants the keys.  And just as we've seen in her previous role as Audrey Horne, what Sherilyn wants, Sherilyn gets.  No, she never actually retrieves the keys from her lunatic jewel-thief houseguest and one-time lover, yet the swarm of events ends with her shooting the near defenseless Patrick.  Or John.  Or Jeff.  I don’t recall his name but lesson learned: give Sherilyn the goddamn keys.

This movie’s title is rather misleading.  Sherilyn is hardly isolated, and if her lifestyle can be labeled as such, it is not entirely deadly.  The story starts with a diamond thief turning to his partners-in-crime for their misplaced loot, and we quickly learn that Sherilyn’s dead husband, a former professor and artist, had been partners with these scoundrels.  The handsome scoundrel with piercing blue eyes and swimming skills to boot (and I must ask, did he throw her dog Nelson into the sea?) seeks the poor widow out, befriends and seduces her, and then of course, attempts to kill her once she catches on.  Meanwhile, throughout the film, Sherilyn avoids the overprotective nature of town sheriff Kirby who is suspicious of her new friend.

Spoiler alert: Poor Kirby dies.  I was saddened to learn that my prediction of Kirby admitting his adoration for the film’s protagonist proved false.  I may not like Sherilyn’s character, but poor Kirby deserves happiness.  

All in all, Ms. Fenn acting skills are rather lost and underutilized.  This film is comprised of awkward silences, subpar acting, and a colorless storyline.  And if I recall correctly, the antagonist's fatal flaw is his hatred of jelly beans.  I miss the spark of Audrey Horne.  Where’s the sexy off-the-shoulder sweater, the librarian glasses resting at the tip of her nose, and the cigarette held loosely between two fingers?  Lifetime should play less of the women as victim game – less of this would definitely offer potential for Sherilyn to shine.  And instead of hearing her cry for the keys, I’d like to see her slyly snatch them out of the antagonist's hands while tying a cherry stem with her tongue. 

Wine recommendation: Bridgeview 2009 Blue Moon Riesling, because Sherilyn wears too much red.  Pair with Licorice Jelly Bellies.

  Guilty pleasure rating: Six glasses to enjoy.  Come on, Sheri.  You can do better than this.  And you can’t bluff us: you most certainly know how to play poker and are probably an excellent swimmer. 

Buy the DVD here!

SMT

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

Vigilance Sauvignon Blanc 2011 and Love Thy Neighbor

Love Thy Neighbor

“Welcome to the Neighborhood”

After an armed robbery, Laura Benson no longer feels safe in her home, so she and her husband find a new home in a gated and patrolled community.  Her next-door neighbor, Janis, is overly chatty and obnoxious, ("When we heard you moved in, we wanted to give you a big Arbor Eden ‘Hello!’  Or, ‘Shalom’ as our Jewish friends say”) but things seem to be going well, even if the doofus husband is often away on business.  

Things take a nasty turn after Laura’s daughter makes the high school soccer team, but Janis’s daughter does not.  Janis tells the school that Laura’s daughter is taking drugs, and her behavior becomes more and more erratic.  She begins breaking in, leaving bizarre threatening messages, and eating food (like fried chicken) while glaring down (or making faces) at Laura from her window.  Meanwhile, only Laura notices that Janis is crazy, and nobody will believe her. 

Finally, after Janis dismembers the family cat, the cops realize that Janis is a past convict and beats her daughter.  They rush to protect Laura, but not before an over-the-top fight scene, in which Janis accidentally runs off of a balcony.

The movie would be good paired with a somewhat sweet white wine- something sweet, bland, and not very complex.  I recommend the Vigilance Sauvignon Blanc.  It’s sweet enough for this ridiculous movie, and it’s tasty without being complex or challenging. I recommend drinking maybe the whole bottle while enjoying this movie.

[hotchallah]

A Secret Between Friends and Mulderbosch Rosé 2011

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

Movie: A Secret Between Friends Anorexia and bulimia destroy two young lives  Wine:  Mulderbosch Rosé 2011 This sexy, sophisticated, and light dry rosé possesses a beautifully fragrant nose, and offers alluring aromas of rose petal, wild strawberry, and raspberry. It's just like the type of Bath and Bodyworks bodysplash that an anorexic highschooler would wear. Plus, it goes well with fruit and light fish which are easy to purge.

A Secret Between Friends depicts the roller coaster that is life, as a young healthy high school girl named Lexi befriends a classmate with a Class A eating disorder. Lexi (later Lexi-Annorexi) learns the tools of the trade and becomes deathly ill after a semester or two of starvation coupled with binging, purging, volleyball, and dating. Meanwhile her self-harm is also torturing her loving mother (played by Wonder Woman or as she is sometimes known Lynda Carter.) This movie is a go-to classic Lifetime Network Original and is best paired with a light wine such as the Rosé listed above.

hotchallah:

But don’t just take my word for it! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7VmB6phCtc  

[lifetimeandwine-blog]

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