UGH IT’S JOE Willy Wonka Series Starters (Part 1)
WILLY WONKA GETS DIABETES
*ear piercingly whistles the oompa-loompa summoning tune from gene wilder’s willy wonka movie*
“ __! How was the doctor? ”
“ Oh! Nothing too serious - where’s the candy? ”
“ Can I see that?”
“ It says right here that you have diabeetus! ”
“ That’s confidential information so now I have to kill you! ”
“ Hey guys, Willy Wonka here, got some pretty bad news that might affect my ability to run a but– oh well! ”
“ A Twizzler a day keeps the doctor away! ”
“ There’s only three things I love in this world: chocolate, chocolate, and abusing my help. ”
“ How do you like that? ”
“ First of all: it’s an it! ”
“ There is no second of all. ”
“ Shut up and film. ”
“ Hahaha that’s right you son of a bitch! ”
“ How are you gonna be a chocolatier if you can’t taste test your own concoctions? ”
“ Don’t you ever tell me how to live my life again, __. That’s why I have slaves! ”
“ Now eat. ”
“ I think it likes it. ”
“ What flavor did you give it? ”
“ I’m experimenting with dog semen right now. ”
*barks*
“ This is the REAL chocolate factory! ”
“ Where do you think the chocolate river gets its flow? ”
“ How come you don’t just try running away? ”
“ Oh, you’re handcuffed, that sucks. ”
*spits on*
“ You’re always spitting on me! ”
“ Who are you peeping on? ”
“ You’re peeping on Tom? ”
“ Yeah, he’s the owner of the Hershey factory he keeps sending his employees to light turds on my front doorstep. ”
“ Mmm I’m tasting the rainbow over here. ”
“ You know I can’t have that in my current condition. ”
“ What if I slip you a couple? ”
“ I would do unimaginable things to you. ”
“ I’m imagining your lips pressed against mine. ”
“ That can be arranged, just hand over the skittles. ”
“ Well, it’s 4:45. ”
“ Well, I usually let my Oompa Loompas take some rage out on me. It’s the worst part of my day. ”
“ Oh gummy sharks! ”
“ Are your ideas flowing? ”
“ No and neither is my urine! ”
“ Where are we now? ”
“ This it the bedroom, where all of the magic happens! Or so I’m told. ”
“ Have you ever been on the internet? ”
“ Internet… Yeah! My dad always uploads our home movies there! ”
“ What new methods have you been doing in the chocolate factory? ”
“ We just introduced electroshock therapy mitts, yielding positive results. ”
“ No, it’s only fun to do it to the mindless. ”
“ Music to my ears. ”
“ The dye from licorice is actually puppy blood. ”
“ Mr. Goodbar’s a cunt! ”
“ You know Mr. Goodbar? ”
“ Yeah, we were in woodshop together. ”
“ Why don’t you like him? ”
“ Well I–… … I dunno. ”
“ I’m 45 and I still play with Pokemon! ”
“ Yep, they’re all Pikachus! ”
*demonically screeching* “ PiKAAAAAAAAA ”
“ That’s it dad, I’m leaving to start my own chocolate factory! ”
“ Hey, is there something you wanna talk about? ”
“ … No? ”
“ Just like cows I have six nipples. ”
“ Are you happy here? Do you miss your family? ”
“ I feel like someone’s forcing you to make these answers. ”
“ I guess sugar’s now the enemy. ”
“ No, silly boy, Sugar’s the stripper that works at Hot Lips. ”
“ No, sugar is in candy. ”
“ *GASP*… Sugar and candy are together again? I never thought I’d see the day! ”
“ KitKat? More like– SCREW that! ”
“ I’m sorry, that wasn’t my best. I’m trying. ”
“ I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I need one more fix. Just one more. ”
“ Oh my gosh, come to papa… ”
“ __, it’s not too late to stop. ”
“ Oh no; we’re going. ”
“ This is a rainbow of sin. ”
“ Down the rabbit hole I go! ”
“ Do you regret that? ”
“ Nope! ”
“ I remember when I first had candy! ”
“ The taste of the sugar hitting my mouth was so sweet like a thousand naked ladies dancing – or men. ”
“ I’m still not sure where I’m supposed to put this thing. ”
“ I’m freaking out, __! I need sugar. ”
“ That’s the one thing you can’t have! ”
“ I don’t care! I need it. ”
“ There’s one person around here who always has sugar on them. ”
“ I’m gonna punch that Loompa in the face and steal its candy. ”
“ __! You’re handcuffed to the stairs! ”
“ Are we still rolling? ”
Willy Wonka Discovered A New Flavor
“ I’m experimenting with new flavors! ”
“ And you’re looking in the dumpster? ”
“ One man’s trash is another man’s Gobstopper. ”
“ It’s got to smell terrible in there. ”
“ I’m fine! ”
“ My name is Willard J Wonka also known as Willy Wonka from the chocolate factory. ”
“ What happened after you gave away your factory? ”
“ Bankruptcy! Who’da thought? ”
“ I used to do coke all the time! ”
“ I skinny dip in the chocolate river! ”
“ Well, most of them were sold into slavery. ”
“ Holy molasses, I think I found a new flavor! ”
“ Even better, but we won’t know until my personal taste tester tries it out. ”
“ So you find chocolate in dumpsters and you just give it to kids? ”
“ We used to do drugs together back in the 80s. ”
“ Oh, my dear boy, they don’t speak! ”
“ What’d you just whisper to ‘em? ”
“ I called you an asshole! ”
“ Do you treat your workers with respect? ”
“ What did I tell you about interrupting? ”
“ You’re very childlike. ”
“ A childlike sense of wonder does wonders for the mind! ”
“ Maybe I’ll try that sometime! ”
“ I don’t think you can, you don’t look very educated. You look stupid. ”
“ Well that was rude. ”
“ What are you gonna do with this dumpster chocolate? ”
“ I’m working on a brand new concoction! The recipe is– DID SLUGWORTH PUT YOU UP TO THIS? ”
“ We’re done– we’re DONE - we’re done we’re done we’re done! ”
“ My father never loved me, but I turned out just fine. ”
“ Get back here you son of a bitch! ”
“ Well, my employees are on strike, they want higher pay. ”
“ Well, my dear friend– well, I wouldn’t call you a friend, I don’t really like you that much. ”
“ Wow… I can’t believe I created that. I’m a genius. ”
“ You’re incredibly arrogant. ”
“ So you’re gonna make __ eat that dirty disgusting dumpster chocolate? ”
“ Does my __ want to eat today? That’s what I thought. ”
“ What happened to the kids in the movie? ”
“ How does it taste? ”
“ Aaaahh, that’s disgusting! ”
“ Eureka! This has to go into mass production right away! ”
WILLY WONKA DISCOVERS CHOCOLATE!
“ Very carefully! You never know how these creatures are going to react. ”
“ So the key is to be subtle? ”
“ WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! ”
“ I went to the depths of the Himalayan salt mines to find the perfect cacao bean. ”
“ Don’t you just wanna cut off its head and snuggle it? ”
“ We also found these legendary white cacao beans. They’re alive. ”
“ Oh, my dear boy, these are priceless, you’d have to be very careles-woAH OH-WAOH- ”
“ You’re just licking the caocao?! ”
“ Is this your special fridge? ”
“ No, just my regular one. ”
“ If you play your cards right, I’ll show you my Wonka bar. ”
“ I’ve never been inside a woman. ”
“ Why are we in your bathroom? ”
“ I’m trying to pass a kidney stone! ”
“ Yeah, he’s my spotter. ”
“ How’d you get your hair so green? ”
“ C’mon, __, we have to go figure out this recipe. ”
“ I’m tired, I don’t wanna. ”
“ What do I have to do, go punish you? ”
“ Who do you think you are? My dad? ”
“ You’re gonna make me take off my pants in the closet? ”
“ Agustus Gloop, he smelled like poop, fell in the river and turned to soup. ”
“ You think I could fit this whole thing in my mouth? ”
“ This is the greatest moment of my life. All my hard word has come down to this moment. ”
“ What kind of chocolate is it? ”
“ 99% of the darkest, rarest cacao. ”
“ This must be pretty rare, huh? ”
“ Don’t touch that. Only a chocolatier can handle such things. ”
“ Remeber, I’m a fudge packer. ”
“ What are you gonna do with this chocolate now? ”
“ I’m gonna replicate it and make millions. ”
“ Shouldn’t you try it first? ”
“ Oh yes, dear boy, I’m gonna put it in my mouth. ”
“ Noooo! You son of a bitch. ”
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