[masquerade-of-mephistopheles]

[likelyliesburied]

is it cool if i beat a dead horse? i haven't in a while.

i try to pretend dreaming about you doesn't hurt me but i think it makes me feel insane, still. but if i admit to that then it's like the ghosts of my past all come out at once.

i'm still learning to live with myself, the versions of me stuck at the restaurant. it's a rite of passage, there's a sign by the main door. but if by closing time it's still packed and wisteria's grown over every feet that walked through those very doors i don't think i want to keep them open anymore.

you're not the source, i'm pretty sure of that. it's just this grief, it follows me around like a rain cloud. some anticipatory, some lingering just by the door but constant. i don't know how to be more than it. i don't know how to be more than a shell of the woman i used to be.

i thought i fixed it. i crawled through the door in the back, dragged myself half alive through it. actually wanted to feel the sun on my skin for once. but what the hell does it all mean if i feel like i'm back at square one again?

i know life is beautiful, i know there's so much of it to get through. but i'm just tired of fighting it anymore. waking up is painful, trying to sleep even more of a struggle. i wish it would all just stop.

here's the thing, i get him. if it were me i would've given up from the diagnosis. but he's fighting it, 7 cycles on even if he complains about it every 2 seconds. he has every right to. but that's the thing, isn't it? whoever he's leaving behind, could call him selfish for wanting to give up. and unfortunately, my whole life that's what i picked. because it was easier, it's safer.

if it all ends, i could too. i could too.

[mjalti]

“I will have always loved the sea. It will have always made everything peaceful inside me.”

— Albert Camus, from American Journals (via violentwavesofemotion)

[notecardpasta]

I think when you correctly identify a trauma that is the base of a woe of yours it should just disappear. It should be like "aaahh. you got me" and vanish and leave 100 dollars behind

[countthelions]

#if you line up several neuroses and identify the interlocking connections between them they should all vanish like clearing a line in tetris (via @karliahs)

[greelin]

something genuinely insane about going somewhere and getting to feel “i had some of the worst years of my life here” and “i was loved here, once” simultaneously.

[greelin]

the structure rots and the plants reclaim. But i remember

[likelyliesburied]

two things can happen.

i meet you and the stars align. i see you and the past 5 years make sense, i had to wait to understand. you had to change, i'll accept it and welcome you home.

or life happens.

and i don’t recognise your smile. your laugh sounds foreign and your jokes have a bitter aftertaste. i understand something completely different. you left for a reason and the door should close forever this time. i decide that's enough. it's not you i want to be returning to, ever. i don’t pick you back up like learning to ride a bike. i stumble over bumps and figure out it’s faster to walk anyway. you take the train.

two things can be true.

i can still love you but never wish to hear from you again. i miss you but remember the person i’m picturing is gone, dead. i mourned her, that much i remember. and you can act like you know me again after all that time has passed and be wrong, and i’ll let you.

your sister says “everyone has lost a piece of themselves to her, it’ll be okay.” and i sit in the passenger seat silent the rest of the ride home. but we share an understanding deeper than you and I ever had. that she has me whenever she needs, even though she’ll threaten to crash the car if i ever speak of hating crying in front of her. and we laugh. or we’ll drive without the radio on just like how we were raised.

but life goes on and we survive because we have each other, that’s all.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

holding yourself accountable and tearing yourself down are two different things

[taeriminal]

how to do it (asking seriously)

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

be aware of what you’ve done wrong. forgive yourself and learn from it rather than beating yourself up over it and thinking it’s just a part of you that can’t be changed. know that you can’t go back and undo it but also that in the future you can do better and not repeat the same regret. self hatred stemming from regret is hard to control, but it can be managed with patience and practice.

[pissditching]

"describe your symptoms" brother i have felt like this since i was 12 unrelentingly

[unbearable-swagger]

I will be like "I'm fine" and then another fucking event will occur

[itwashotwestayedinthewater]

the most Child Emperor urge i have is to shout "BOOORRIINGGG!!!" when i have to witness something i dont like for too long

[zegalba]

Mt. Tahoma, Washington (2023)

[silver-frog]

Du vent dans les voiles.

[ashstfu]

the romantic urge to love and be loved has nothing on the introvert urge to simply never leave the house or answer texts

[ashstfu]

[fembutchboygirl]

Having internet friends is an experience. Did you eat today? I can't believe your sister hasn't apologized yet, what a bitch. Drink a glass of water right now. Want to see a cat picture? I love you. I know you better than your parents. I don't know your name. I'm having a rough day, can you talk to me about your favorite videogame? I love you. Good morning means good night means good afternoon means go to sleep. Here's a doodle I made in class. I'm stealing your clothes as we speak, they're so pretty. I love you. I love your pet. What does your hair look like? I'd love to see that weird leaf. I love you. I'm making you your favorite food. Thank you for holding my secrets for me. I love you. We're having a coffee date. I love you. I'm giving you a screen-sized hug. I love you. I love you. I love you.

[inkskinned]

you made me promise i wouldn't write about you, so i haven't. i don't know why. i don't owe you anything.

i turn 30 on july 1st.

i haven't heard from you in over a year. which is kind of nice, if i'm being honest. in that time i think a lot of things changed for me. a lot of things got sharper. for a while i was so utterly broken that i made my therapist cry while i was talking to her. that felt bad. (sorry kate).

i almost made my instagram public again, but then had to pause. would i only be doing that so that there was a chance you'd see me? so we'd cross paths and start talking? the other day someone said "i heard from your ex" and my heart dropped. like i'd been slapped. for some reason, i felt something almost like fear, which doesn't make any sense. i guess my body heard what happened and said: oh, this person hurt me so badly it literally rewrote my life story.

i think you were probably right, and this wasn't a good relationship. there's still strange things i miss doing. i miss playing board games with you. i miss the particular smell of your room. i miss the weight of your leg over my hipbone, your very-slight snore. all of this is still massively less than i used to miss. i miss you gently, almost ambivalently. recently my adhd did a cool trick - i got bored of thinking about it. i used to think i'd never be bored of it. that i could never actually escape it.

it's just that i was supposed to be different at 30. i was gonna be engaged and happy. i was going to be drinking on a rooftop with you. i was going to be coming home early from the party so i could crawl into bed with you. i was going to be looking for a house for us. i think i miss how easy that future would have been - which means, on occasion, i am missing the idea of you.

i am okay. i hope you're okay too, honestly. i've never wanted you to be hurting. you once told me that i'd be too furious with you to ever talk to you again. here's the thing - i am not like you. even after you left me, i was never actually... angry. it just is something that happened, and it hurt, and it's over now, and that's... okay. sometimes it's actually even better.

it's just that... i don't know. recently i was having lunch with a friend and she asked me so you still don't believe in love? and i looked at her and bit my lip. i thought about the rooftop i had imagined and the gift list i compiled with all your favorite things on it. i thought about how i got a new phone right after we broke up just so i wouldn't be tempted to go through photos. i bought myself a couch for my birthday - and it reminded me of you. how horrible; that i can't do anything anymore, not without your shadow somewhere.

here's the thing - i know you're not thinking about me as much. you got to pick up and leave. close the door. enough was enough.

i told my friend depends on the day. i think i believe in community and art and passion and friendship more than i ever have. i think i believe in singing at the top of your lungs and running flat-out and dancing in public. i once told my high school best friend that i didn't expect to make it to 30. i thought i would die far before then, miserable, unhappy. i was doing badly; i assumed all forms of survival had to be indelicate. rough.

i remember because of the melodrama of my teenage spirit. i told him unironically - creatures like me will never find love.

i turn 30 on july 1st. i want to laugh about that moment. but 30 is approaching. and i can't run fast enough.

[likelyliesburied]

I wish it all made sense.

[haughtyraban]