With the start of the new year,I’ve been finding myself taking inventory of all the things that have happened in 2020 and how I feel about them. I’ve organized them in chronological order (because I this is how my brain works)
January: I was in an okay relationship with a guy. He treated me well but I wasn’t content. I felt off but thought it was just the stress of the holidays and of all the school things I had to do.
February: Still in a relationship with a guy. Doing well in my spring semester of school. Making friends and feeling genuinely happy. Went on a Valentine’s Day date with said guy (it was awful; no, I won’t give details). We also went to Disneyland which was actually pretty great, even though he was too much of a baby to go on my favorite ride.
March: The world’s anxiety about Covid was increasing. Still going to school at the beginning of the month. Took a week off work to take care of things at home while my parents went on vacation. This was when the world shut down. School went online, my work (a retirement home) went into a full lock down, and then boyfriend broke up with me ( he dumped me and had very stupid reasons, including but not limited to the fact that he was afraid that I’d cheat because I was bi)
April: My 20th birthday came and my parents forgot it. I didn’t get presents and it went by without too much notice. ( Yes, i had friends reach out and wish me a happy birthday, but there was nothing done to celebrate in any capacity). School was still online. Work was still locked down. Still isolating away friends.
May: More of the same. Finished my second year at my community college. Worked my ass off at work.
June: Repeat of May. Begin to question my sexuality.
July: Repeat of May and June.
August: Repeat of May, June and July.
September: School starts again (still online). I start off okay but online learning isn’t my strength. Still questioning my sexuality. I know that I’m attracted to women but I’m unsure if my lack of attraction to men was situational or if it was never there to begin with.
October: Still doing online school, still not enjoying it. Took a week off work to take care of things at home. Tried to enjoy my time away from the craziness that my work place has become. Still questioning if I was ever really attracted to men or if they were just convenient.
November: One of my coworkers I have close contact with tests positive for Covid. School still sucks but I start feeling happier. I begin to settle on the terms queer and sapphic to describe my sexuality. They feel much more like me than bisexual ever did. I finally allow myself to go out and enjoy life as much as possible.
December: Online school is a bitch but I finish it. Where I live was forced into another stay-at-home order, basically killing my ability to go out and enjoy life. The holidays look a lot different this year and it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas. But Christmas, signals the end of the year which is good.
I guess what I’m getting at in this impossibly long post was that, 2020 didn’t go the way I would’ve wanted. But there are things that I’m thankful that happened. If my ex didn’t end things, I would’ve stayed in a sub-par relationship because it was better than being alone. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to be better and actually be happy. Not just content, but genuinely happy.
Last year sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I know I ended it as a stronger, healthier, happier version of me.
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