Life....what a funny thing! I'm here 5 years later for some status updates....but mostly just a record of the bullshit.
Last year was covid...what a shit storm. A week before everything shut down in California, I left my fiance. I moved into my sister's house. I made a trip to so cal to visit my dad for his bday. Then the world stood still.
In a weeks time span I lost everything that defined me.
I returned home from so cal.
My job had been shut down. I had no job suddenly.
I was living at my sister's house, alone.
I broke off an 8 year long relationship.....
I felt like my life was upside down and inside out.
What. The actual. Fuck. ?!!!
It's a long, long story. Maybe I should tell it.
In February of 2020 I started another round of skin cancer treatment. It was brutal and miserable. My ex and I had been drifting apart for some time. I was always on egg shells around him. He was angry all the time...and he was just, mean! I forgot what it meant to have fun. That verb became foreign to me.
Idk. Im not sure if I want to get into the end of our relationship and the beginning of my new life. Ugh. It's just so much to explain and I've already told the story, A LOT. I've even lost "friends" because of it.
He became critical and cruel. He didn't have any control on his finances. It was his way or the highway. We couldn't make future plans because he was over spending on who knows what. He would get verbally abusive. Sometimes physically too. I hate admitting this,but one night he threw me down and punched the side of my face multiple times. My jaw has never been the same. Things got ugly and toxic. He never asked me "what I want". It was always about him. And I guess I let it get to this point...
I felt more lonely with him than when I was actually alone.
Before the break up, I kept thinking "I don't know if I want to be with him anymore". And then one day, I confessed that truth out loud. It was so painful and excruciating. But it was a little moment of truth amongst all the acting and pretending. A glimpse of "what I want". Or even, "what I don't want"
I gave the ring back one night, and i left. And that was it. All right before covid halted everyone's lives.
I was now single. I left the home I had built for 7 years. I was jobless. Everything in the world was shut down. Friends were afraid to meet up. It was like I had woken up in an alternate universe where nothing made sense.
I didn't rise to the occasion. Life got dark....and it got dark fast.
Well here I am....over a year later. I hate to say it, but my drinking took on a new life during covid. With nothing to do and everything shut down, I elevated my drinking habit to the next level. I even make jokes about developing a healthy drinking habit during covid and becoming a professional.
*Sigh*
It's not the life I want.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm fatter than ever. I'm not sure what moved me to log in to this old blog, but I'm inspired by the 10 day before and after photo I took. I stepped on the scale yesterday and....it's not good. My face looks fat. My body doesn't feel good. I'm in a funk! I need to find the same resolve I had a few years back.
I'm 36 now. Part of me needs to understand that I'll never have the same 20 something body I once had. And that's okay. Bodies change. I just want to find my health.
I never disclosed before. But my body goals of yester year were when I had an eating disorder. I don't want to fall back into that ugly cycle. I'd rather be a little heavier and happier AND HEALTHIER! Being skinny isnt the end all/be all. I just want to feel healthier. Period! I want to feel strong and empowered.
I'm meditating on this.... There is so much more for me in the future but I've lost track of how to get there.
