kiss with a fist

Lily Evans | 19 | Assistant Producer for the WWN. “I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“S’good thing then that you’re the one that can never keep her hands to herself. I’m purely on the receiving end–” James moved his hand to Lily’s waist, as if to make a point of his own ridiculousness. 

“Your mum loves me. I can persuade her into believing I’m doing what’s best. Remember the last time we were over? She laughed at all of my rubbish jokes. Maybe she should be going out with me.”

“Oh, silly me, you’re right of course. I’m desperate and needy and hungry for you all the live long day.”

Lily’s nose wrinkled at his suggestion. “I’m not good at sharing though.”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“You know, that’s going to be a bit of a difficult proposition if I’m supposed to be feeding you. I mean, as such an excellent chef I really have to get a feel for who I’m serving, y’know? It’s all about the passion, Evans. I’ve got to really understand who I’m cooking for. If I’m cooking for someone who likes four hands instead of two, then I need to know. If that number is higher than previously thought, then the meal falls apart. All of this simply means that this could be sabotage, and you’re trying to gain the upperhand when it comes to distinguishing between magic and non-magic meals.”

James looked out of breath and slightly crazed. Something that he, unsurprisingly, was often. He was full of enough bullshit to fill two full lakes full of Giant Squids.

“That’s why it’s my duty to make his life more exciting. That’s what family is for, yeah?”

“That’s the worst argument for feeling me up I’ve ever heard in my life, Potter.”

“I think my mum might have a different opinion, but you’re not going out with my mum.”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“They can stay there though, come to think of it.”

“You do owe me chips, and I’m famished.”

“Well. Until a bit later at least. Because I’m definitely going to want James to hug me later when I get into bed, on account of I’ll have cold feet and he’ll have been in there a while warming it up.” 

“Come on then, there’s a kebab van down the road.”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“Oi, you’re the one that wanted to date the Squid, not me. I’m just properly explaining your reasoning. Can’t say I blame you. All of those extra tentacles could prove useful. I could try growing some for you if you’d like.”

James rolled his eyes, ever the one for dramatics. “You wouldn’t know at all, Evans. I could trick you easily enough.”

“What if I also call him weird? You know he’d take that more harshly than any intelligent insult. Bloke wants to be the most average prick to ever exist.”

“It was a comment about you, and absolutely nothing to do with me, idiot. I didn’t actually want to date either of you.” She let a disgusted shriek fall from her lips, as she shook her hand free of his. “Please, keep at least two feet away from me.”

“Bullshit,” she challenged. 

“Well he’s succeeding. I’ve never met anyone so painfully boring in my life.”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“But there are plenty of other dicks in the sea.”

“I think that was about fifteen minutes ago. It’s more like into dangerous territory now.” 

“You’re not wrong there, I’ll give you that.”

“Don’t I owe you chips?”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies: 

“Maybe it just means that you like them handsy, and seeing as how I’ve only got two hands–” James made it a point to raise both hands, including the one that was clasped with hers. “–then maybe you didn’t feel that was enough for you. I’ve just trying to prove my adequacy ever since.” His skin underneath Lily’s lips felt hot. He knew he would never get used to this closeness.

James quirked an eyebrow. “You know, you saying things are better the muggle way, while also failing to cook anything edible the muggle way, seems to be in direct competition with one another. I bet if I cooked something with magic, and then something with the oven, you would never know the difference.”

“How heavily?” He asked, weighing his options, although they both knew he had plenty more to say to Vernon than Walrus Prick.

Lily’s nose wrinkled up. “That’s almost as properly gross as your cold pancakes, Potter. I feel like I’m gonna need to scrub my brain out for a couple of weeks before I let you touch me.”

“Rubbish. Just because I can’t produce a good enough difference, doesn’t mean I can’t taste one. You could blindfold me and I’d know.” 

“Well, let’s just say I was gonna do at least three of the things you really like, but now you’ve made that squid comment I’m having second thoughts.”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“I’m not sure I do, but for the first time in my life —and probably the last— I think I’m alright with that.”

“Good on you. Don’t let anyone tell you being stubborn is a bad trait, I’ve never seen it steer you wrong. Oh you’ve certainly talked about it, but I thought you meant personally. You never really know anything until you’ve tried it for yourself, you know. So, like I said: it’s for the best.”

“Look- all I’m saying is he was a right dick, on the surface. But luckily for him I looked past that and found something much better underneath. And his penis really is a very nice one. Anyway- the point is, what if the ugly penis is hiding something incredible. They’d have to compensate, yeah?”

“Is this getting a bit on the weird side?”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“You’re telling me that if James had come at you with a discoloured cock jutting out at a fourty-five degree angle the first time you’d shagged it wouldn’t have changed anything? I know you’re a nice person, Lily, but please. I can only suspend my disbelief so far.”

“A little too close. Somehow even after the spot incident I can’t imagine he thinks that. Not with the way him and Black are. In fact, I’d put money that if Sirius knew how to use a phone James would be getting calls about spots all the time. Or worse. And I don’t know about his tongue actually, but I think that’s for the best.”

“If I’d have judged James by his front cover, I’d never have gone anywhere near him. Wait- that came out wrong. James has a very nice penis- cover. Oh, you know what I mean.”

“Why do you think I haven’t shown either of them how to use one. They keep asking, but I’ve got a lifetime of stubborn in my pocket. Oh, rubbish, of course I’ve told you about it. You must have blanked it out.”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“If I ever come across a truly disgusting penis I can promise you there won’t be any need for a condom because I’ll have apparated out of there faster than you can say ‘mistake.’“

“I would ask him. And come to think of it, now I think I’ve got to. Otherwise I’ll just be thinking about what it could be until I’ve gone through all the options and settled on one that’s probably not true but will change the way I see you forever. Would you want to know once I’ve found out? I’m not sure I would… It’s not as though it’s something I can help, and then I think I’ll just be busy thinking about my Weird Thing instead of enjoying the moment. Perhaps this is one of those rare instances when ignorance really is bliss.”

“Hey, I thought I’d raised you better than that. Don’t judge a penis by its... front cover.”

“Oh, James is going to love this. I’m certain he already thinks we’re a little too on the close side, but he did overhear that time I phoned you up to ask about the spot on my bottom, so he’s probably not wrong. Anyway- it’d be worse for me to know you knew but I didn’t. I’d have to know. Besides, I’m far too distracted in bed to be worrying about it if I did know- that things James does with his tongue, you know.”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“Perhaps one day I’ll give it another thought, just for your peace of mind. But really, statistically speaking I’ve have enough sex without them that something ought to have happened by now, and as it hasn’t I’ll have to assume my practices are safe enough and not worry myself with it. Though I appreciate the concern, mum. I won’t throw them out yet.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Mary agreed with a wicked smile. “At any rate, I can only hope for his sake and the sake of all future partners of his that it was only my distracting qualities and not an actual persistent issue. Though I think no matter what, everyone’s got to have one strange thing they don’t notice they do in bed. I’d tell you mine, but I can’t. I haven’t noticed I do it yet.”

“Keep it in your wallet like boys do. At the very least it’ll be like a good luck charm. If you win any money on it, you’ve got to give me half, though. And if you ever come across a truly disgusting penis, you’ll be thanking me then for it.”

“Yeah, well, you’d be the wrong person to ask. Like I don’t know what my weird thing is in bed either, but you wouldn’t ask me, you’d ask James, wouldn’t you?”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“I tried to tell you about my tongue plenty of times, I think I remember you telling me to ‘shove my tongue down my own throat’, as it’d save you from listening to me speak, that wasn’t very kind of you.” James grabbed Lily’s hand, always itching to touch her in some small, yet vital way. He always felt stronger when she was with him, like he could conquer the world, or in this case, save it.

“You shove them in the oven before eating them. I didn’t even know how to properly use an oven, and I’ve got that down. My mum would use some spell that would crisp them up, but I’m worthless with cooking spells, she refused to divulge her secrets.”

“You mean I wasn’t going to just stand here, look pretty, and bark out orders?” James faux pouted. “Fine, fine, get away from the oven. I’ll make you new pancakes that have never been cold, and I’ll make Walrus Prick a dish that’ll knock his head off.”

“Have you ever considered that maybe there was a problem with your delivery. After all, there was a time the Giant Squid was more tempting than you, and really, what does that say about you, Potter?” She quirked an eyebrow at him pointedly, but the effect was rather ruined when James slipped his fingers into hers, and she promptly lifted their entwined hands to press a kiss against his skin. 

“S’nice doing things the muggle way, though. Makes things feel more homier. And I don’t care what anyone says, it tastes better the old fashioned muggle way. Hogwarts’ roasts were good and all, but they’ve got nothing on my mum’s.”

“Walrus Prick. That’s a new one. I’ll reward you heavily if you manage to slip it into conversation tonight,” Lily winked. 

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“None taken; there’s no point in being offended by the truth, and even if there were I think it’d have to be myself I were offended by, not you.” A wicked grin broke out across Mary’s face, and she shook her head twice meaningfully. “It’s a shame close only counts in horsehoes. Lipstick, certainly. Door key…” Mary pulled a face. “Hopefully. Condoms, not a chance. They’re… weird. They freak me out. It’s like putting an extra skin on, and what if it falls off and gets lost in there? No thank you.”

“You see, I thought that were the case too, but I’ve realized recently I’m not always as subtle as I think when it comes to things like hiding disgust and annoyance on my face. It’s the eyebrows, I think. They’ve started to give me away. Mutinous things.” 

“Actually I slipped a couple in there months ago, hoping you’d one day listen to reason about practising safe sex, but since you didn’t know and therefore the intent wasn’t yours, I’ll let you have the win. Do you see how optimistic I am for you, though? I do really think you ought to reconsider on the matter.” 

“But there, see. You know you’re doing it. And so did he. Except...”- Lily broke off, looking thoughtful for a moment- “I suppose you are terrific in bed. Perhaps you had him too enchanted, if you know what I mean,” she winked. 

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“Well go on then, give it a guess. But if you’re dead wrong you’re buying chips tonight.”

“You know, the saddest part is that he might have been the best I’ve had in bed, skill-wise. He really knew his way around, but the face absolutely ruined it. And it’s not even as if I could just shut my eyes and pretend it was something else; I’d seen it once and there was no unseeing it. It’s like my own orgasms ran away in fear of it…” Mary shook her head solemnly. “It’s a shame the things men get away with ruining.”

“Definitely not money. No offence, it’s just I’ve seen that dress before, and it’s not one you wear when you intend on paying for your drinks.” Lily cocked her head to the side thoughtfully, eyes lighting on the bag as though she might see through it if she looked hard enough. “One. Lipstick. Red, if you want extra details. Two. Condoms. Three. Your door key.”

“If you’re not having an orgasm, he’s not the best in bed you’ve ever had, whatever the reason. Anyway, no one could possibly have such a lack of self awareness. If I pull a face, I know I’m doing it.”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“I rather enjoy being in a bed with you, I mean hell, it took me ages to get to this stage, I’ve got to properly enjoy it.” James smiled, more than happy with his own decisions. He was always an early riser, but he refused to be skimped out of digging his nose into Lily’s hair that always seemed to be sprawled out everywhere. “Check the fridge, there are leftovers. I dunno how you missed them in this devastation.”

“Do you want to learn how to make Spiced Chickpeas? He’ll probably mistake them for crisps or something. I’m not sure he knows the difference between round and flat. ‘Sides, it’s nice to have something satisfy the palate before dinner.”

Lily rolled her eyes, though the smile on her lips gave away her fondness. “You’re a proper sappy git, did you know that? Anyway, I might have been tempted into it sooner if I’d known about that thing you do with your mouth, so s’all your fault it took so long, if you think on it.” The smile on her face quickly disappeared, working its way into something that more signified disgust. “Cold pancakes?” she asked scathingly. “That’s properly disgusting. And you call yourself a cook.” 

“Do I want to learn or do I want to pretend to learn whilst I watch you doing it?”

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“Apparently you don’t know me at all.”

“You dirty rotten thief,” Mary teased, obviously elated. “I’d think to scold you but to be perfectly honest it’s his own fault. It’s almost as thought he wants you to take it. In fact… perhaps he did and that was the intent all along. Well, cheers, James. What a thoughtful thing to do. And to think, the only things my boyfriends have ever left me is… hmm. What have they left me? Not STDs thankfully, and there’s something to be said for that at least, though I’m not sure what exactly.”

“Now there’s a piss poor assessment. I bet I can guess three things you’ve got in your bag.”

“It’s almost certainly his own fault, considering there’s not been one time he’s left money lying around and I haven’t taken it. He’s too careless with it; suppose that’s what happens when you grow up with a shit ton of it.” Lily paused, pointing in silence at the bar before grabbing Mary’s elbow and guiding her over to it. “Don’t be so hard on them, what about that one that left us all with the brilliant memory of his orgasm face, or your best imitation of it, anyway.”

[lilyevs]

taleoftwoindies:

“Now, now, Evans, don’t make promises you can’t keep. Not insulting me for an entire day would be some sort of Christmas miracle, and I think I’d rather save that sort of miracle for something else. Like breakfast. A nice big, non-burnt breakfast.” James tried to keep things light, and hearing Lily’s laughter was enough to make his stomach stop aching for just a moment. But he knew that her laughter wasn’t going to last. Not when the dinner inched closer, and her nerves started getting the best of her, and then they’d be there. A fucked up family dinner.

“What does your Mum want us to bring? Does she want me to cook something? I should make something spicy. Dursley can’t handle spice.”

Lily raised her eyebrows, eyes sparkling in a manner that screamed she was about to dole out some of her patented cheek on him. “If a nice, big non-burnt breakfast is what you’re after, perhaps you ought to have made more when you woke up early, had breakfast, and then came back to bed for some unfathomable reason. I personally wouldn’t have minded some pancakes.”

Lily’s mouth turned up in unmitigated delight; again the image of Vernon suffering pleased her. Sometimes she wished she wasn’t so petty. Others, like now, she let herself enjoy it. “She didn’t specifically request anything, but that’s no reason why you couldn’t,” she replied innocently. 

[lilyevs]

marymacmudblood:

“Heavens no, I’m talking about sucking dick.”

“Let’s see… a cat in your bag? Oh that would  be funny. To let him out, I mean. Because of the saying. Anyway. Chocolates? A gift card with seven pounds left on it for the chip shop? I could go on forever, but I’m terrible with guessing. What have you got?”

“Of course you are, why didn’t I think of that straight up?”

“I’m not entirely convinced the bar staff would agree with that assessment, but anyway, you’re not far off with the gift card guess.” She reached into the pocket of her battered leather jacket - the one her mother was always saying she could at least replace if she was going to insist on wearing leather in the first place - and pulled out a crisp ten pound note. She held it up in front of Mary’s face. “It’s amazing what James will leave lying around. You’d think he’d know me well enough by now.”