LimeChip

I'm just your average Tumblr user: dumbass, gay, and I got a cat

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All my failures have amassed, and I stand by the wayside with a shovel and my hands on the hilt

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Northern Star by Dom Fera

Three Rum and Cokes and a couple beers in Some lucky drunk stood up, heavy with where he'd been And he held onto someone and he sung out compelled "You're why I was right to trust myself", he said"Keep me up, keep me out late Keep me close, I need your faith Keep right where you are 'cause I've followed this far Like I'm sure that you're the northern star Oh, I'm sure that you're the northern star"Three hours in to a three-minute call Some gambler wondered if she'd just won it all And she laughed when he asked if his head seemed alright, singing "I've seen the bright sides my whole lovely life", she said"Talk me up and talk me down Talk too long, I'll stick around Talk me into following you somewhere far Like I'm sure that you're the northern star Oh, I'm sure that you're the northern star"Three weeks away from a year since the score And the reckless thieves reckon they could get even more They ain't casing out weddings, nah those are too big a sign They're just looking at dresses and rings that she likes, they said"Keep me up, keep me out late Keep me close, I need your faith Keep right where you are 'cause I've followed this far Like I'm sure that you're the northern star Oh, I'm sure that you're the northern star I'm sure And I'm sure that you're the northern star"

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What does it mean to be an adult of childhood trauma?

I’m 21 and I feel like life is continually taking a bat to my knees. Like, I’ve always looked forward to being an adult, and I am so grateful that I finally am one, but oh my fucking god did I not expect adulthood to just be me making the same mistakes over and over again until something clicks. Like, if I were to go back and tell 15 year old me anything, it’d be “well, your life is gonna suck just about the same as it does not, the only difference is that now everything is gonna be your fault”.  

I want to be kind to myself, but it’s so hard to even show myself pity when I’m the very worst of my problems; I never show love to myself and that’s why I have to practically beg strangers to show me affection. The most ironic thing is that once someone does, I get so scared of making a genuine connection with them that I avoid them, because I learned that love = pain and the only way to preserve yourself is to hide away from those that show you love. I wish I could just tell them “when I’m hostile and I push you away, when I say I hate you, when I grow cold, distant, and not worth loving, that is when I need you to love me the most”. How can I tell them that I’m gonna be the hardest person for someone to love? 

It’s been over 4 years since I’ve left the worst part of my life, but its impacts still haunt me every single day. On the surface level, I know that I’m someone who is easily likeable. However, whenever I try to form a relationship with someone, I’m being asked to be my most vulnerable, but being vulnerable brings up a lot of my past traumas and makes me act in ways that I absolutely hate. Why can’t they just know “I want you to love me and that’s why I hide from you. I want you to be independent, but I that’s when I fear you’re going to leave. I’m going to think you secretly hate me, and I’m going to be cold to test if you really love me.”? 

[fruitbatwrites]

on stars, skateparks, and suburbia

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Just need somewhere to put this out into the world

I miss laying on his chest with my neck uneven and bent to curve around his ribs. I miss holding him near and being so uncomfortable but unwilling to move for fear of disturbing him. I miss him sitting on my lap and pressing his body into mine. I miss his earthy eyes that hold the center of oak trees. I miss feeling his earring under my finger, and I miss the stubble on his skin. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.

He's better than love songs in my head. When he's around, I pull and pull our bodies together hoping that they meld together. Even when we're chest to chest, I feel lonely knowing that we won't always be.

I feel like I'm a teen again before love always meant hurting, back when I loved recklessly. Let this devastate me, let his hurt me, let this make me never want to fall in love again. Let this be a heartbreak, then at least I know it's real.