🥀 💀 🥀

died off a hot cheeto//🌈 // 36 //

[lipsredxasarose]

lipstick queen💄 💋

[lipsredxasarose]

I don't feel good today.

I have a headache (I've had a LOT of headaches lately 🧐)

I did cry briefly this morning which always gives me a headache but idk, I think I would've had it anyway because I didn't cry that hard.

I can feel in my body that something has shifted. Depression for me is very much in my body, not just my mind. I feel like shit. I feel sickly and sore and headachey.

I want to go home but I know I shouldn't. I've used my FMLA twice already this month because I had migraines. Even though it protects me legally, it doesn't protect me from petty backlash done in such a way that I can't prove it. See, they specifically put in our job description "other duties as assigned". My manager has blatantly told me many times that when he doesn't like someone, he purposely gives them the hardest or shittiest tasks to make them want to quit. He did this to me in the past and when I tried to complain, they pulled the "other duties as assigned" card. So I still fear to upset him by taking too much time off, even though I have FMLA and I'm genuinely feeling awful.

It sucks that I'm feeling this way, especially before a weekend, but I mean what can I do. I have no control over it. I can only do my best to let it ride out.

Also i found out yesterday that my thyroid medication isn't working like it should and my thyroid levels aren't right. I'm sure that isn't helping. She upped the dose so we'll see.

Balls.

[lipsredxasarose]

My first therapist once described our sessions as "intense".

It wasn't a slight. I think she meant is as validation like, "yes I see you're struggling with deep pain and emotion and it's very intense"

But I STILL think about to this day, it sort of touched a nerve. Because one of my biggest things is feeling like I'm "too much". I have such a big personality, and such big emotions. I feel like if there's a radio dial, mine is turned all the way up.

I also think this comes from my childhood. The parent who raised me was unhealed in their trauma, undiagnosed bipolar, and an overworked single parent. They did their best but unfortunately due to the circumstances, I felt like a nuisance more than anything. They were always so tired, bouts of crying, bouts of explosive anger, 3 hour naps in the middle of the day or just locking themselves in their room. When I did need emotional comfort, it was very much like "you're exaggerating. you're fine. that's just life. if you're not bleeding or on fire, I don't want to hear it."

So I think this taught me that when I have needs, I'm annoying, I'm inconvenient, I'm a bother, I'm exaggerating, I'm just too much.

That's why I'm on here just pouring my heart out because I'm not saying this shit to any person. Cuz I feel my pain and my feelings and what I'm going through is not their problem and shouldn't be put onto them.

[lipsredxasarose]

blocking myself

[lipsredxasarose]

I don't care how shy you are, we are doing EVERYTHING you said in those text messages

[lipsredxasarose]

Meeting my therapist, within 10 minutes she was like "you're making me laugh already. Just the way you say things" and I was like hehe

But she bout to find out lol. I was in a good mood that day bbygrl. Are you ready for tears on meeting 2

[jacqattacq-deactivated20230625]

Never apologize for a late reply. I'm a "pick up where we left off" kinda person.

[lipsredxasarose]

No one:

My brain for no reason: *eminem voice* I have been sent here to destroy you

[putthekettleonlove]

i love it when people are in their thirties that's so sexy of you

[painwithoutinjury]

i hate when people call me on the phone like this is for my mom only....

[lipsredxasarose]

In the kitchen getting ready for work and I'm upset about something and I'm talking to myself (yep) and just saying mean shit that's in my brain and my little baby cat (he's an adult) is just giving the most loving meows and running around me just begging for pets, slamming himself against my legs and walking through them over and over and over. It absolutely broke me out of this spiral I was on. He was NOT gonna give up until I pet him or picked him up lol

I've often thought if any of that cosmic shit is real, he was absolutely brought into my life to help heal and comfort me because you can't believe the level of love this cat has, it's unlike anything I've ever seen from a cat. He is just BURSTING with love and admiration for me at all times, I'm his entire world, he fuckin lives for seeing me.

I love my baby boy.

[lipsredxasarose]

Good morning!

Just remember, we don't need no hateration, holleration in this dancery.

[lipsredxasarose]

go away

[lipsredxasarose]

Going to work is so nasty fr

[disc90s]

tell your cat i said what up big gangsta

[papayajuan2019]

must feel so good to be soil absorbing rain

[erotomanicpixiedreamgirl]

how to be gentle with yourself when you have the curse