Post: Reflection Piece
Lately, I know some of you have shown your concern about my mental state and well-being. More so since I tend to disassociate and like to act like I fell off the face of the Earth as a self harm tactic. Due to the severity of my disorders, I try my hardest not to post on FB when I am at my lowest because I don't like to people to see me struggle. I'm known as the ray of sunshine who brightens up people's day whether it be my laughter, smile, witty comebacks, people have made me apart of their lives. Even when I need to worry about myself I am always with a hand out to help others as much as I can. I guess the reason is because it's the only part that doesn't switch on me is my heart of gold. As important as that is, I wanted to write a reflection piece based on my struggles for the past couple of months, and in and out of focus of my mind. I hope it can bring you into the depth of my mind without me having to explain what's going on. I don't ask for much, or people to understand, just give me a chance and allow me to take the time to heal, and not take my negatives parts of me as judgement on how you perceive me.
Enjoy.
"Reflection" by Sky Deschaine
Lack of control, fingertips on temples, rubbing in circles looking for release. The pain, it never ends.
Pressure from all areas of my head, filled with self hatred, doubt, worry,
fear of abandonment.
One minute, the world lives in my heart.
Truth of an empath, the world crumbles,
All I can see is the "END".
A reflection of me, a monster: WATCH OUT.
Skin loose, all of me rubs free,
Trying to grasp onto the walls, the equal reality.
Insecurity is a lie. It's not. Just my doubt.
Why am I not pretty? Why am I not beautiful? Why do I have to be hideous?
That's night time.
Day time, the sun breathes deep in my skin.
Now the world rests on my shoulder, I feel like I conquer.
Speed of light, cracks vine their way to my throat.
Encumbered around, seconds and seconds, like the small hand on the clock, it reaches my moster like the moon.
Oddly, the darkness is the most satisfying feeling.
When it seems wrong, panic and chaos, death knocks on my mind.
As my tears stroll flames down my cheeks,
I call out to any higher power that might exist.
No call. No disturbance. Just the silence and deadly choke on me.
I try to breath, every exhale the claws start to stretch at the sides of my neck.
HELP. ANYBODY?! DO YOU CARE?!
OH, I said I needed you.
How come I am not important enough?
I'll love you harder than the last if you can catch this monster.
As I look into the savior, eyes of my emeralds, he reaches his hand.
I can't touch. My feet kick, arms desperately try to grasp.
QUICK! You'll lose the escape.
It's false hope. It's the monster's lure.
What do you mean I said that?
Are you trying to leave?
Maybe you should. Maybe we should just split.
You agree? You don't love me then, do you?
I needed your validation.
Why?
Why must you have to save me?
Why not leave me?
Death and eternal separation is all I know.
You say you want to save me.
I'm beautiful.
I'm loveable.
Yet, I am your worst enemy.
It's not me, it's the monster.
You say you'll stay forever.
How long is forever?
Until the monster comes out?
Do you have a death wish?
Or do you see the person that gets pushed inside daily?
We fight and fight and fight.
So frustrated at me.
You forget about the monster.
Do you look at me the same?
How much am I allow to hurt you before you take your hand away?
Please, don't, I'll drown without you.
You say, don't worry beautiful. I'm here.
But do you understand?
I can't control this.
I can medicate. I can talk. I can explain.
At the end of the day, you walk around on egg shells.
To me, I wonder if this will be the night where you have to slay me alive.
Why did you have to catch my drown with your hand on my heart?
Only do I see the lifelines chirping with you around.
That's your power? You're meant to slay danger, aren't you?
You say, your darkness is only a fraction of you.
I say you're the light I can't see.
The light I try to oxygen on.
Then you assure, where would the light be without the darkness?
Do you mean it?
Will you be able to remember that when you're left alone with the beast again,
Fighting for your way to find the flower you've been accustomed to?
Every night when your kiss seals my bad dreams,
My tears irritate my skin, painstaking.
One day will I wake up and realize this isn't real?
Maybe this is a bad dream and I have to switch back and forth back to reality.
All I can do is apologize for imperfections of my brain.
I hope, the monster will give in and see you are the only way to keep continuing to live.
Without you, in this hour, I am hopeless.
As pathetic that sounds, I don't see the world without you.
So, please, tell me, how tired are those arms are fighting this monster?
I promise, you're not alone.
I've got to apologize because that is where I am terrified the most, where I lose control.
Who am I?
Loveable? Bitchy? Angry? Temperamental? Giving? Caring?
Who will I be in five minutes?
Would you tell me? Or keep me from the truth?
In fear, you'd lose me, you vow to suppress my brain?
Is there is a part of me, that hopes you can?
'Cause I can't.
