Lists to Recovery

I am a long time (half my life) sufferer of depression and anxiety. One or the other affects me on a daily basis, varying in intensity. The worst of this has been having stress related seizures which have led to me temporarily dropping out of university. This blog is a documentation of my trying to take my life back. There aren't going to be any reblogs on this page, but there's a link below to 'things I like' which will all fit the theme of it.

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Today I managed a run!

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after care

1. check whether any scratches broke the skin 2. if they did, wash under running water 3. cover all visible scratches with sudacrem 4. cut nails so if another dip happens, more scratching doesn't.

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I have vented at a friend.

I am more stable

I now have to figure out how to get dinner without people knowing I have been crying and amcovered in scratches.

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i sent you messages 'implying' i was on edge because I FUCKING WAS ON EDGE

and no i didn't mean to bnother you

i wanted hlep

which was why i asked you to tell me who to talk to

all of which were apparenmtly crap suggestions btw.

oh i'm such a fucking mess.

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"Don't send me shit like that then.."

#supportivefriend

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plaese

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apparently i have one nail on ym left hand which is really much sharper than rest

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I was supposed to get cuddles

And now I can't

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this is not anyones fault

i have been feeling liek this all fucking week

and it is pisisng me off because i have been exercising and taking tablets and eating healthily

i like my job and am not shit at it

i have cats to play with

the dog is being less scared of me

I have been goingt o mindfulness classes (when I feel a bit better i will share the homework) and counselling (ditto)

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more opsitive reasons to not

I'm supposed to be going back to uni soon I can be out of my overdraft before then I'm going to welcome to nightvale on sunday a couple of people care for me

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Reasons to not

I might fail and fuck myself up more It would be inconvenient to the person I'm living with to move my stuff It would be rude for the person who found me I don't have any antinausea pills so failing is more likely I would have to use someone elses stuff so they'd have to clean it

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I don't know who to reach out to.

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Passing Normal

There are times when sufferers of depression can just go about our daily lives without it affecting us at all. At these times it is possible to convince ourselves that nothing is wrong. Then there are times when we can completely and utterly convince ourselves that either we are not real or nothing around us is. Everything is pointless. There are also times like today where the idea of just getting out of bed is one of the most daunting tasks imaginable. Everything adds to this. It is freezing cold, there is no hot water to warm up my numb hands. It is raining and windy outside. I just KNOW that the tumblr drier won't have dried my clothes enough to have anything to wear. I have no food for breakfast because when I got in last night I just wanted to curl up and cuddle someone so didn't go and buy anything. All fairly normal things.. But the reaction is that my body pumps me full of whatever chemicals makign my heart race, time slow down, and make me simultaneously want to run away from everything and to curl up under my quilt where nothing at all can hurt me. I normally end up doing the latter, and spend days not eating properly.

So I will make myself get out of bed. I will make myself some dry toast. I will go to work I will not scream whenever anyone comes within 4 foot of me And I will keep myself going on the thought that next week I get a counselling session AND a mindfulness meditation session, and that soon I may once again be passing normal.

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I'm convinced I'm dying

or at least, sometimes I am.

I have so many things that seem to go wrong with my brain. Either my moods, the way I think, the way my body reacts to things by having seizures or fainting or having panic attacks.

The way I can see the world moving around me so quickly, but I can barely seem to lift my feet off of the ground

Or the way I fall asleep instead of dealing with problems (either emotional or physical)

And regress into a childlike state

Forgetting how to talk, either in full sentences, or at all

and sometimes how to walk.

Getting urges to scream and throw myself at the walls until I am battered and bruised, to punch a wall until my blood seeps out of my fists, to scratch myself until my arms are crisscrossed with red lines.

So maybe I have a brain tumour

or some kind of weird bacteria with fluctuating effects on my body

Maybe there's just something wrong with my brain and I'm going to just keep regressing and eventually just not consciously exist any more

I don't really think I'm dying

But there is definitely something wrong with my brain that I don't like.

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I am so very proud right now. A monthish ago I had NO money available and had to borrow off of a friend to be able to afford the rent. Since then I have been careful to budget, putting aside any unneeded money into my savings account (the bottom one). As you can see, I am still WELL into my overdraft, but, I am not about to die of starvation any more.

Very very proud moment for me.

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I did a thing!

I sent a person person a message asking if I can have them to myself for a bit of time every week and he said yes! I'm surprised I did it and surprised even more that he said yes! I thought he'd say no and make me feel even more shit and I don't know if to feel bad because I expected a no or feel good because he said yes!

And he called me cute!!

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I am crying

for practically no reason.

The past week has been relatively good.

I went to the botanic gardens with a new friend I've been looking after kittens I did some new things in work I haven't actually done anything wrong in work for a while I went and got my flu jab

But earlier I spent my bikeride to the train station convincing myself that I wasn't real. That I was either a figment of someone's imagination, everyone was a figment of mine, or that I had killed myself a few months back and that everything since then was just me imagining the rest of my life in my last few minutes. I nearly threw myself under a bus today.

(I am not currently at risk)