People who aren't sandwiches but kinda a little.
Alright so here’s the post I kept meaning to write.
Geekagora made a couple of posts recently that I wanted to talk about.
The first one was about how despite his best attempts, he’d started thinking about how nice it might be to have a wife. And the disappointment with realizing he might like a partner, even if just to talk about well, things like this.
The second was about how its galling to see women who seem to be so interesting and desirable (I’m paraphrasing a lot, but like… no one is stopping you from going to his blog to read what he said verbatim) end up with as he put it “Joe SemiTall Whitebread in Khakis”. But, pondered that maybe it’s due to those same men being dependable.
I told him that I was going to write about how each new boyfriend whittled away at what I thought I wanted/needed in a partner.
That’s not to say I’ve settled, not at all.
But, I’ve learned where I need to put in the extra work, what is fair to expect from someone, and what things you can expect, but not necessarily off the bat.
I dated a man who was taller than me, conventionally attractive, fit and funny. He was super into me and if it weren’t for the absolutely mind-blowing mental abuse…. He’d have been a perfect mate. He was so Ideal ™ that I actually forgave him several times for being a total trash human. I was actually willing to settle for his shitty behavior because well, all the rest was great… right?
Luckily, he didn’t give me the chance to make the worst mistake of my life and he dumped ME over text. Thanks, preesh.
After him, I should have taken a long break to piece myself together because I wasn’t kidding at all when I said mental abuse. I was absolutely tattered.
Unfortunately, I’m not very good at relaxing.
I caught the eye of a sad, sweet boy who was convinced he was unlovable.
I was still so hurt and confused by my last breakup that I thought I’d feel better if I made this person feel better.
Again, another very acceptable specimen. Not very tall, but taller than me, conventionally attractive and had a huge circle of friends who welcomed me with open arms.
But again, I was settling for someone who wanted me and I felt obliged to be there for and with him. But he was flakey and mean. Not what I’d call mentally abusive or anything like that, but due to my own experience with the last man, I was determined to be the opposite of what I’d just experienced.
Which, would have been great if that’s what I’d actually done.
Instead, I acted like a wallflower, afraid to rock this boat, here to soothe his wounds and cause no extra. I let myself be treated poorly and suffered for it.
I wanted to be whatever it was I thought he needed, but didn’t actually know what that was, or know if I could be.
I don’t know exactly why he dumped me, but I do know I was relieved. I had realized at some point that I didn’t even want to date this person, he’d told me that I made him happier than he’d been in years and that he didn’t think anyone would look at him the way I did. And it’s hard to remember if I even looked at him like that. I know I wanted him to make up his mind, did he want to be my boyfriend or not? But I don’t remember if that’s what I wanted because I wanted him or if I just hated not knowing one way or the other.
But in both of these relationships, I tolerated poor behavior because I liked having someone to talk to. I liked having someone in my corner.
And I thought that’s what they were.
I forced myself to stay unattached for as long as I could, but I HATE not having a partner. I don’t like having to say, “haha, no I’m single” or lie about having a boyfriend.
Which, btw, I don’t. I turn men down all the time and don’t tell them I have a boyfriend.
But, I have wanted to get remarried pretty much since I finalized my divorce. I didn’t get married for no reason. I have a daughter. I want a partner, a husband. I want someone who’s not just visiting my life but a hardwired part of it.
I just didn’t really care who it was. That was the problem.
I can count on one hand how many of the people I’ve been interested in first. I always just go along with what they want.
“Do you wanna be my girl?”
Of course, I failed over and over. I didn’t even pick these men. I just agreed.
But, that’s where I get to the JSTWBIK
He isn’t as clever as the two other men I talked about. He doesn’t have any of the neat hobbies they do. In a lot of ways we don’t really get along. He thinks anytime I raise my voice, I’m angry. I can’t stand the music he prefers to listen to or the reason why. He is completely ignorant to internet culture and it actually makes it hard to talk to him on occasion because I have to explain years and year’s worth of internet lore/drama in order for him to understand a reference, and in most cases I just don’t bother.
He's watched basically every popular sitcom you can name and I didn’t know what Supernatural was until it already had 10 seasons.
He’s never lived on his own and I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and a single parent for the last 8 years. I’ve always had my own house and space and it’s so weird to go to his house. Which is not his house but his brother’s house and we have to be quiet when we watch TV because his room shares a wall with his niece.
There are a LOT of ways we don’t get along or things we can’t relate well to one another on.
But I can say without a shadow of doubt that I CHOSE him and wanted him.
I didn’t just agree to date him. I wanted to be with him.
And I still do. He isn’t perfect, but he’s here. Especially when I need him.
He doesn’t let me walk all over him or talk down to him. Not that I would but it’s nice to know I wouldn’t get away with it.
He is not the type of guy I’d normally want to be with, he doesn’t hit all those marks I thought I wanted in someone. But he is reliable, and he loves me.
I am secure with him. I don’t worry about what he’s doing, and I know he doesn’t worry about me. He trusts me and for the most part, I trust him (another post maybe).
There’s so much to be said about someone who answers your texts. Maybe not instantly, but you know eventually they will. They aren’t ignoring you or leaving you on read because they know it drives you crazy. They take time to check in even if it’s just once a day. People have this mistaken notion that you’re either supposed to be okay with constant checking or none at all. I’ve already been with someone who thought it appropriate to not even say hello. For a whole day, for no reason. They were around, they just didn’t think about me. Not once.
Because they knew I’d do it.
Nah, not anymore. We out here letting those we love know it. Without question.
A dependable person who can learn and grow with you. They might seem boring and bland on the outside, but maybe when you’re all kinds of filling and sauce and condiments, it’s nice to know you’re safe and secure between two slices of white bread.
Anyway, there’s the post, I hope you liked it! I’m not sorry it was long af lmfaooooo get rekt.
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