poet | philosopher | failure

Literature Ph.D. candidate, writer, photographer, film enthusiast, incorrigible procrastinator

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Finally put some work on AO3

I write a lot of collaborative fiction and fan fiction for my own enjoyment and practice, but I've finally decided to start sharing some work on AO3. This is super new to me, so we'll see what happens!

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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hogwarts Legacy (Video Game) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Ominis Gaunt/Sebastian Sallow/Original Male Character(s) Characters: Ominis Gaunt, Sebastian Sallow, Anne Sallow, Weasley Family (Harry Potter), Sirona Ryan, Dinah Hecat Summary:

After a couple of years spent working for the Department of Mysteries, Jack Everett (OC) returns to Hogwarts to become the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher following Professor Hecat's retirement. The Keepers grew worried after hearing that he was continuing his research into ancient magic and wish to keep an eye on him--though they've brought him back to just the place he wants to be.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Sallow has focused on becoming a skilled healer and works in Hogwarts's infirmary. Despite seeming to have his life together, he has never abandoned his quest to find a cure for Anne. With the return of his friend--perhaps more than friend--they find that they once again have mutual interests: Jack's wants to continue to explore Isadora Morganach's work, and his search for ancient magic artifacts might just lead to the cure that Sebastian has so desperately sought. They team up once again, but Sebastian has not been entirely truthful about his activities in the time since Jack departed Hogwarts...

[septemberkisses]

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

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On the physical cost of teaching

Kind of a journal entry/mild rant, content note: body image stuff

Let me begin by saying that I feel incredibly lucky to have scored a pretty good teaching job at a private high school that lets me (somewhat) live out of my dark academia literature teacher fantasy. I have a good rapport with just about all of my students, I feel good about how year two is wrapping up, and I feel like I have genuinely made a difference in some kids' lives.

But goodness, teaching can really take a physical toll. Between six grueling years earning my M.A. and Ph.D., going on the job market, moving twice, and now teaching for two years, I feel it in my bones. I was sorting through old files on a soon-to-be retired laptop the other day, and I found some selfies from my first year of grad school. God, I looked so much better then. Sharper cheekbones and a leaner frame. I looked damn good in a small slim-fit dress shirt and some well-tailored pants. I slammed the laptop shut and felt like I was going to cry.

I've had to replace all of my clothes. I wear a regular fit medium now, and my pants are all 2 inches bigger at the waist. I had to buy new belts. New undershirts. New t-shirts. New polo shirts. New shorts, also 2" bigger at the waist. Before grad school, I worked a somewhat physically intensive job and then went to the gym 5x/week, so I was in exceptional shape. I tried my best to keep that up during grad school, but as my (then-undiagnosed) anxiety disorder worsened and I was absolutely crushed by the workload, I simply did not have the time or energy to keep up my previous level of physical activity. Then COVID. Then the dissertation. Then moving. Then moving again.

I miss feeling capable and strong. I am at a school that prides itself on its competitive athletics programs, and I am constantly surrounded by athletes. Maybe two or three of my 48 students don't have the physiques of gym rats.

I haven't been able to figure out what to do with these feelings, but I have decided to take the summer off to care for myself. I want to feel in touch with my body again. I want to get outside more. I want to honor what I have done but acknowledge that continuing on this path is unsustainable. The notion that teaching is a calling and demands self-sacrifice is a toxic one. I want to want to spend this summer fighting back against what that idea has done to me.

[peacefulandcozy]

Instagram credit: co.nfused

[asteracaea]

SEE YOU IN HELL, PUNK

[papenathys]

Absolutely insane lines to just drop in the middle of an academic text btw. Feeling so normal about this.

[ A Critical History of English Literature, Vol. 1, Prof. David Daiches, first published in 1960 ]

[languageboutique]

[humnooshop]

You wouldn't use an apostrophe to make a plural

Redbubble

[ebookporn]

English language's vestigial tail.

[stingrayextraordinaire]

Another year, another group of my delightful ninth graders trying to spell the word "tragedy" for their Romeo and Juliet assignment.

Last year's collection

[gothish]

i don’t need to put my mental disorders in my bio you can easily infer that there’s something wrong with me

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The End is in Sight

And thank goodness for that. I finally have a full-time job lined up for this coming academic year, and unless I seriously f*ck things up, I should be done with my dissertation in just a few more weeks. Finishing and then distributing the manuscript is probably going to be the hardest part of the whole process. If I weren't ready to defend, my committee wouldn't let me, and besides: now a job is on the line. There's a good reason for them to let me go regardless of how bad things are (not that I'm lowering the bar!).

Ugh, I just need to be done! Almost six years of grad school has really taken its toll on my mental health, and I can't help but feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind.

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

Part of me is always like where is Hamlet's support system and part of me is like oh yeah he's a college student no wonder he only has like two friends

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Me, when anything annoys me while I'm procrastinating on my dissertation

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Leaving Academia: Attempt #1

I came so close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but alas. After a failed search for a tenure-track position (which will be the experience of the vast majority of grad students, anyway), I found an alt-ac job I really liked. Loved, actually. I have years of experience, a great track record of success, and the work is something that would make me actually want to get up in the morning--unlike my dissertation.

Two rounds of interviews later, I get an offer! I'd be starting part-time and then possibly (!) transition to full-time in the summer. This is... not what was discussed. After grad school ends, I don't have health insurance, dental insurance, a stable income, etc., and if I can't get full-time work and benefits, I'm in a very bad spot.

Without getting too specific, suffice it to say that the contract would be very difficult to break if I wanted/needed to quit should the promotion not happen, and I wouldn't be allowed to work for any competing companies for quite some time. I'd effectively be barred from working in the field for which I am most qualified.

I feel deflated. It is more disappointing than I can express to put in years of work getting a doctorate only to feel like my future is so grim. If I didn't have my partner to fall back on should everything fail, I'd be a in dark, dark place. What has society come to that our best and brightest live such awful, stressful, and precarious lives? Why the fuck is so much talent being squandered in this country? (capitalism, obviously, but I digress)

I am at the point where I have a frustration-tears-scream-into-a-pillow-until-I'm-hoarse breakdown about every two weeks. My voice is hoarse now from shoving my face into a pillow and screaming every obscene thing I wanted to say to the manager who sent from the contract. At this point, if I don't finish the dissertation and graduate by August, I think I'm quitting. My body and brain will break if I don't.

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On Mourning Tumblr from 2011

After a few disappointments on Reddit, I think that Tumblr might become my primary blogging site for a little while--at least while I recalibrate and figure out my next steps. That said, it feels weird to be back. I had some less than great experiences on here (not the least of which was my little sister stalking my blog and then outing me to my family), but I do miss the sense of community that I once had. Who knows? Perhaps I might find that again.