When helping kids learn from their mistakes and correcting past behavior, itās important for parents and other role models to separate what they DID, and who they ARE.
Look at the exchange in the images above. The kid apologizes for ābeing bad,ā and the adult points out that it isnāt a question of ābeing.ā Itās about specific behavior.
āDefinitely was acting brand new. But you aināt got a bad bone in your body.ā
For a personal example, Iāve been working with one of my kids about bullying other kids. And when she behaves that way, I will tell her, āWhat youāre doing is bullying,ā or āStop bullying them.ā
What I WONāT say is āYouāre being a bully.ā
Because kids listen (even when we feel like they arenāt) and they are constantly taking in information that they use to define themselves. And the worst thing I could do in this situation is say, āYouāre being a bully,ā and they believe me.
It happens so often, itās tragic. We tell kids, āYouāre a bully,ā āYouāre dumb,ā āYouāre being obnoxious,ā and they internalize that. And as soon as a kid accepts āI am a bullyā as part of their identity, they will act accordingly.
On the flip side, I used to think it was OK to label kids with ābeingā statements as long as they were positive, but Iāve learned even that has hidden dangers.
For example, imagine one of my kids finishes a puzzle really quickly, and I respond by saying, āYouāre so smart!ā Seems great, right?
But what happens when they move on to a harder puzzle and they donāt finish as quickly? So they start thinking things like, āDad said Iām smart because I can do puzzles fast. But I didnāt do this one fast so I guess Iām not smart after all.ā Or, āDad says Iām smart because I can do puzzles fast, but I didnāt do this one fast so it must be a stupid puzzle thatās made wrong.ā
I guess my point is, use āyou areā statements sparingly and carefully with kids. Tell them things like, āYou are important,ā āYou are valuable,ā āYou are loved.ā But when it comes to behavior, make it clear that what they do does not define who they are. Let them define themselves.
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