Little Kim’s FieldNotes

I see you. But you can't see me.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Why North Korea Will Never Reunify with South Korea: Reason #3

In South Korea, the cats are on steroids. They scare me.

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Why North Korea Will Never Reunify with South Korea: Reason #2

Because the women down there aren't women. They're My Little Pony. 

Korean reunification my ass.

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According to the Slow Food Foundation, five traditional South Korean foods are in danger of extinction, including this ghoulish Ogye Chicken—which is completely black from feathers to bones. Not sure what the big deal is. Food has been disappearing in North Korea since the 1980s.

And what’s “Slow Food?” Is that it’s called when the U.S. takes fer-ever to send us rations? 

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Why North Korea Will Never Reunify with South Korea: Reason #1

Because I would rather let North Korean youth starve than allow them to poison themselves with a yellow mountain of citric acid.

Korean reunification my ass.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

The Busan International Film Festival, hosted by South Korea, is the most significant film event in Asia. It has a production budget in the millions. And they kick off Opening Night with this shit? Somewhere, in Busan, a prop list reads: one satin sheet, two Asians, and a flashlight. I mean, seriously.

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang….

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Bitch, eat something. In your country, you can.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

WTF, South Korea? It's just a film festival--not the second coming of Psy. I can see your fireworks from Pyongyang. Hm, which reminds me, have I launched something lately?

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Yeah, yeah, a gay wedding in South Korea. Weeee! Fun.

These guys think they’re all that and a bag of chips for throwing the wedding of the year—a concert spectacle that boasted multiple costume changes, celebs, musical vows, a choir, and flying food. Bitches, please. That describes my daily lunch break.

Separately, if my spouse were 20 years younger than me, that would make her five. But I digress…

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So, China is on my shit-list because they've recently published a long-ass list of items they will no longer be exporting to North Korea for fear that I will use their goods to beef up my missile defense. The list includes ebola because--didn't you know?--NoKos are just creaming for ebola-laced care packages. Other banned items include nickel powder, radium, flash X-ray generators, microwave antennas, and live animal key chains. 

My country's relationship with China is so complicated it makes Ike and Tina look like a breeze, so I ain't gonna trip over this one tiny blip. That said: Yo, China, what gives? Your zoo recently swapped a lion for a dog, and hoped no one would notice. And you're judging me for making bombs? Sayin.

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Turns out Beijing's bugging out about my country's nuclear ambitions. As of today, military-like hardware and chemical substances are prohibited from being sent to North Korea for fear that I'll use these items to make things go BOOM. And it doesn't stop there. China will no longer allow these live animal key chains to be sent to ANY address in North Korea. Apparently, they've caught wind that I've been ordering them in bulk only to set the animals free. Yes, y'all: I love animals. (And you all thought I was a monster.)

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

It's always nice to see a Korean represented at the Emmys, even though she's a half-pint and clearly unaware of what the fckk is going on. Congrats to Aubrey Anderson-Emmons, aka Lily, and the rest of the Modern Fam crew. And check out Haley Dunphy standing behind Lily! Shortyrock, call me. 

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Just sayin.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Heeeey, sexy lady.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Up Next: A pistachio commercial featuring Sarah Palin.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Looks like DRod’s pistachio ad bombed. Large. The Washington Post called it “Dennis Rodman’s weird, terrible, un-Wonderful pistachios commercial, and a crapload of headlines described it as "nutty and bizarre." Ouch. Meanwhile, Mother Jones, in its post about the commercial, launched into a full-on tirade against NoKo—calling me “a 31-year-old binge-drinking, roller-coaster-riding, nuclear-armed Kobe Bryant fan.”

As if.

Get your facts straight, MoJo. I am NOT a Kobe fan.

Bulls, baby.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Ah, young love. But what is UP with Asian men carrying their girlfriends' purses? I see it all the time--Seoul, Taipei, Beijing: men shamelessly toting enormous leather handbags--which are probably Chinese knockoffs anyway. Unlike Hotwife's Dior, which is real, thank you very much.

I get it: She's playing golf. But do you think Tiger Woods ever held his wife's bag while she took a swing? No, of course not. He was texting prostitutes.

And this brother with the parasol...

Not a good look.

[littlekimsfieldnotes]

Pistachio diplomacy? It's official: This pistachio company is obsessed with the Koreans. For Super Bowl 2013, it hit up Oppa Psy for a media blitz that included a this gangman style nut commercial. Now, this. Leave it to The Worm to use our friendship for financial gain, by the way. Typical capitalist. Just kidding, D. We cool.

But fckk you, Kim Jong-un impersonator, you do not look like me. (I'm a lot more handsome, thank you very much.)

But at least an Asian brother got some screen time. So that's something.