Trying Psilocybin
After positively yearning for it for such a long time I finally found a renewable stash of psilocybin. It came to me at a time when I wasn't even looking for it. Literally just fell in my lap.
My supply comes in a form that lends itself to microdosing, but this is not how I use it, nor is it how I ever intend on using it. Suffice to say it is packaged in a way that makes dosages very easy to determine and vary.
My usecase is different and I have based my decision and dosages on most research papers suggesting that long term positive effects come from larger dosages. The goal, as I understand it, is to cause your default mode network to reset in a way. This causes new connections to form in your brain at the expense of more established connections. When you have depersonalisation and OCD symptoms then sometimes the established connections are not working to your benefit. If you have dealt with these symptoms for long enough then sometimes some drastic measures are necessary. I must admit that I am no expert and that this is a bit of an experiment. It is an experiment that could fail. It is an experiment that could blow up in my face, but lets stay positive and see what happens.
For my first time using I was in my apartment accompanied by my cat. I used 1.2 grams of psilocybin and the effects that I experienced were as follows.
I was sitting on my couch waiting for the effects to kick in. I was stressing a bit because I wasn't sure what to expect. Most of my research suggested that you couldn't really overdose on the substance, but there were indications that it could affect blood pressure etc. So I wasn't sure how it would affect me. There was growing sense inside my body that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out what though. I might have been psychosomatic just due to me being on my nerves, but other than that feeling nothing else was happening yet, so I just stayed on my couch and watched youtube on my tv.
The first effect I noticed was from looking underneath the desk that my tv is placed on top off. There was a dark patch and inside this dark patch I noticed that a picture was taking shape. The shape was distinctly female and then it became more and more real until it was a full colour picture of an almost 3d cartoonish girl that was dancing. The realness of it was surprising and surpassed my expectations.
Throughout the night I saw many such animations. It was almost like there as a semi translucent layer over my walls and all of these animations were playing inside that layer. There was a lot of girls dancing etc, but there was also other things. At times and on a certian part of my wall there were hieroglyphs that formed and patterns that looked like egyptian stone carvings. They didn't look like stone carvings though. They were outlined in gold. Looked stunning. The one image looked a lot like a man with a type of helmet on sitting in a spacecraft. Basically a side view of the spacecraft with him in it. Very small though. On another part of my wall there were golden lines that formed and it looked a lot like some type of multidimensional diety. It looked beautiful. I don't believe that it was a diety though, just something that my mind created. My one kitchen cupboard door looked like it had infinite depth and there was flowing movement inside it, almost like looking into an aquarium. Visually the trip was stunning. When I closed my eyes I saw vivid colourful textures that I could almost taste and feel and when I opened them again everything on my writing desk looked vivid and ultra colourful with a look of newness. Almost like I had bought everything the previous day or it had been renewed. My cat who sat next to me took on the guise of a wise old beast, her skin looked thick and seemingly had extra folds. She looked very different. Its really very strange how differently the world can look just because of a shake up in your brain chemistry.
When the effects started to subside I had this feeling of satisfaction, like everything had happened in a perfect way. It was difficult asking for anything better.
I few days later I decided to try microdosing and I must admit I did feel better during the course of the day, but my first dissapointment came with my second large dose.
I didn't wait long enough between large doses and you build up tolerance to this substance very quickly. I didn't know this and when ahead and took double the dose I took the first time. The goal was ego dissolution, but I failed in this goal. The effects were very dissapointing. Barely any hallucinations and all I had was this sense of deep introspection. Everthing I hated about my life was playing on repeat in my head and I was filled with a deep sense of sadness. The halluciations only happened when I stared at one piece of the wall for a long time. The one hallucination was the wall turning pink, it looked almost like human skin. One of the other hallucinations was a certain part of my wall taking the shape of the outside of wings. It created the effect of many wings wrapped over each other. Almost like there was an angel perched against the wall, camouflaging itself by putting its wings directly up against the wall. The hallucination created the effect of these wings moving and rustling, thus giving away the position of the angel.
I tried other things to try and get into it, like switching my living room light off and lying on my couch, staring into darkness, but nothing worked. When i was lying on my couch there were some images that formed, but they only formed outlines, not getting filled with colour or movement. The one image was of a court jester. I have heard that this is a common thing to see and it is apparently one of the common types of "people" that you hallucinate.
After that experience I did some research and then came upon the tolerance issues that explained what happened. I have since resolved to leave at least a week or two between large dosages so that I can have the full effect of the dosages.
Now just a word of caution. A lot of people take psilocybin because they believe that it gives them spiritual experiences. I am very skeptical of any "spiritual" experiences that come from drugs. It is more likely that you are seeing your own brain splattered across the walls around you, in a manner of speaking. I think that is where the jester archetype comes in. People fool themselves into believing they are receiving information when their brain is just dreaming externally.
This is the beginning of a journey and one that will hopefully lead to the alleviation of symptoms that I have been experiencing for my entire life.
