🖤🍓Strwbrry🍓🖤 @littlestfae - Tumblr Blog

I’m fine.

GUH. I’m alive.

I don’t really know how to express what is going on with me atm.

I will probably vent soon.

I’m alive though. But it is *hard*

yoo whats up im still a fucking failure at life. Im good at pushing people away and im good at not being good at things. Radical.

#vent post #ignore #dont reply #i dont have anywhere safe to post my grieveances on the internet

littlestfae

My favorite Easter movie is Donnie Darko. Its about a dude and his friend, Frank, who is a bunny.

#happy easter #easter

This is all so confusing and scary and I thought that by talking about it for an hour with a friend would make me feel better but idk I just feel so confused and horrible right now.

I didn’t *want* this to happen. It just fucking did.

I wish I had a clear answer to all of this.

I should have kept my guard up but its way too late.

Who knew that happiness could also be choking me.

Crazy. Absolutely crazy. About a year ago I was near begging someone not to leave me, terrified of the prospect of them abandoning me. I couldn’t go through that again. I found a rough draft of the text I sent; desperation was dripping from my words.

I’ll never beg again. I had zero emotional attachment when I read that text. I was really that far gone?? Delusioned by manipulation.

And its crazy, how much I lowered my standards for the people I surrounded myself with, especially in comparison to the people I surround myself with now. Kind, warm people. People that make me want to be a better person. It has been so long since I’ve felt that.

littlestfae

A year ago I was crying over a boy that I had long term mutual goals with. I was crying over losing a boy that I envisioned spending the rest of my days with.

I’m not sad about him anymore. Our lives are meant to be separate and its something I was able to accept after nearly two years.

So why do I sit in this bathroom stall with tears streaming down my face - after much reflection I think I’m devastated that something so strong, a bond so incredible can break so easily.

Growing up I had lots of heartbreak, but this one cemented that maybe I’m not meant to be with someone.

Everything is so fragile and I’m scared to hold anything anymore.

littlestfae

A year ago I was trying to move on, projected my feelings of desperate need to be loved onto someone that couldn’t fathom what love is.

And today, I find myself connecting with people again. Genuine connection. Genuine affection. Genuine and sincere fondness.

No one can say if this is a final destination, but I’m just relieved for the direction I’ve been going in.

A year ago I was crying over a boy that I had long term mutual goals with. I was crying over losing a boy that I envisioned spending the rest of my days with.

I’m not sad about him anymore. Our lives are meant to be separate and its something I was able to accept after nearly two years.

So why do I sit in this bathroom stall with tears streaming down my face - after much reflection I think I’m devastated that something so strong, a bond so incredible can break so easily.

Growing up I had lots of heartbreak, but this one cemented that maybe I’m not meant to be with someone.

Everything is so fragile and I’m scared to hold anything anymore.

littlestfae

watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night

littlestfae

I think I’m realizing that it isn’t people I’m afraid of. Quarantine had me convinced I’m actually a hyper introvert, when I don’t think that’s the case at all. I was so afraid to leave the house and I thought it was because of other people and I’m realizing how wrong I am. Reflecting back, I began my personal quarantine about four months prior to the pandemic starting due to a build up of various events that began before last March and events that carried into quarantine.

I’m not afraid of people, I’m afraid of the amplification of my senses. The smells- the bonfires burning in neighbor’s backyards that remind me of carefree summer days. The permeating and saline scent of the ocean as it protrudes my very being, reminding me of a relaxation I haven’t felt in so long. The smell of the air as it transitions from brisk cold to a sense of warmth stirring the atmosphere.

I’ve been trying to acclimate among the public for almost a year and a half now. To remember what its like to be human, not some shell of a being going through the motions of an attempt to survive. I feel like for so long I’ve been wandering as a hollow being without any sense of direction; have I been going in circles? Have I been on a linear path? I have no clue.

Through this reflection, I’ve began to see even a smidge of a light in the far, far distance. Even when I’ve felt my story is closing on itself, I think somewhere deep down in the void of my essence, there’s a fight for progress that is holding the pages open.