Broken roads and blessings: Part 1
Hey you...
You: Tay, reader, friend, stranger, person. Little me again popping up from the darkness to say hello and rant; I am absolutely awful with updating this blog but it really doesn't mean that I haven't had every intention of doing so. I sit down and write these posts but then I realize that I'm usually very redundant, which leads to frustration, which then turns into defeat anddddd there goes that.
I just wanted to pop in and say hey, post a little update and stuff not that anything is really exciting. I started school again this year which has been going okay I've been goofing around until I get enough credits to transfer into the nursing program so I'm not completely invested in what I'm studying right now making it incredibly hard to actually be productive. That's new for me but I'm sure it's no secret that I love to procrastinate, I'm really so good at it. These last few months have been hard but there have been a lot of silver linings, so many blessings that I wouldn't have encountered had I not gotten sick so in a weird twisted way I might be thankful for it.
Everything has actually been (dare I say it) stable. I've had my fair share of lows, but there have been enough good things to balance me out and overall I'm grateful. I have met so many amazing people that have helped me realize what it means to not fight alone and it is the greatest feeling in the world to have a group that is willing to be your backbone when you can't. To be honest I haven't felt like this since Tay left...I can't help but feel guilty and angry at myself for it, but I know it's what she would have wanted. Hell I'm pretty sure it was her who helped the stars aligned, yeah Tay I hear you. It's never going to be okay that you had to leave me but I'm glad you're in heaven enjoying all of God's glory and that shoe closet. Tay and I had a theory that in heaven there's a shoe closet full of beautiful shoes that never make your feet hurt, and just so you know she's saving me the size 7s. I miss you a lot and there's not a second that goes by that I don't think about you. I still catch myself thinking "I can't wait to tell Tay this" and then remembering that I can't, 12:54 still cripples me, and so does the 5th of every month. I always remind myself that with each day that passes it's another day closer to us being reunited in heaven, whenever that time comes.
I started back at dance again. I'm blessed with an amazing studio and an even more amazing teacher, friend rather, that are so understanding and so open to helping me cope and get through everything. They've given me so many opportunities that I wouldn't have without them and not only through my fight but when it comes time to help others they are always first to offer support. It's felt so good to have a part of my old life back and even though I definitely get frustrated with the things I can't do it's a really great feeling to leave your heart on the dance floor. I really do wish that I didn't give up on dance and I didn't stop, I look at people who are pursuing dance and continuing on with it and using their passion and talent to the full extent and I admire them so much...almost as much as I envy them. The moral of that story is kids, when the cliché line of not giving up your dreams is thrown at you take it to heart and don't make my mistake. Keep at it because it is the greatest thing in the world to have an outlet, a passion, a reason. But none the less thank you Angelica for being my rock and being so patient with me, to Steph Marin for always lending an ear and love on my rough days and my good ones, to Andrea Viola for still loving me through this even though we didn't know each other for long and to the entire company and faculty at Rugcutterz for inspiring me and helping me know this type of happiness. I love you guys to the moon and back and I honestly will never be able to say thank you enough times.
I feel like this is my grammy nomination speech but it's fine, I'll write it now and just file it away for when the time actually comes. I still have a few more people I need to talk about though.
You know that song that goes "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you" by Rascal Flatts? Yeah there's never been a truer meaning. Even though being sick and having this life is a really shitty thing most days, some days it's not and those days, despite how scarce they may be, fuel me through the darkest moments. Meeting the people I have has been the greatest thing I could ever ask for it seems at the moments where I'm on my knees begging God for a reason, or a miracle He sends me someone that will perfectly fit the empty space in my heart. Just like he sent me Tay. It's like just when I feel like I'm complete I fall apart again but the only reason that God allows me to fall apart, is just to find room for another blessing.
A few years ago I was inpatient at SickKids and I was watching my usual ritual of So You Think You Can Dance as I religiously did...it was the auditions and a new set of dancers. I remember seeing this redhead with the most GORGEOUS hair ever, fly onto my TV and blow my dancing mind. I watched that audition and from that second I KNEW (I totally called it I'm dead serious, not just saying that I did. I really did) that she was going to win the whole thing, there was no doubt. Jordan Clark. This spunky, passionate, insane person that had me hooked from the first beat. I honestly had no idea how much love I would develop for her and the places I would reach because of her. Long story short, the amazing crew of SYTYCDCanada sent me some cool merch from the show and Jordan's autograph. I messaged her and thanked her for sending it, put a face to my name and let her know just how much she got me through. I watched her kick ass every single week from that bed on 7D. I had stopped dancing at that point because I was too sick, it killed me to think about what I was missing out on but Jordan got me saying "man, I can't wait to dance again". Not surprisingly, Jordan reached out with nothing but love and gratitude and stuck around through this crazy mess of a journey, and two years later I finally got to hug her in person and I got to watch her dance IN PERSON...not from a hospital room. There were tears. Lots of them. Jordan not only has the best hair (ever, hands down) but she has the biggest most sincere heart. Her capacity to love is huge and with every single person she meets she is genuine and true and that is more than I can say for a lot of people. She's listened to me cry countless times, made me laugh through awful moments and through good ones and she has just stuck with me regardless of the obstacle that's ahead of me. I am so lucky that I have her to call, or text, or see every single day she is one of the gifts that I really question what I did to have. I could go on for days about how she's inspired me and I mean truly inspired me, she's saved my ass more times than she even knows. I tell her all the time how I can never give her back what I owe her because she has honestly given me so much, if I turn out to be half the person that she is I know I'm doing something right. Jordy, I love you. There's not much more I can say to that. You make me so proud with every passing day and you remind me that this life is worth living. Thank you for being my rainbow and putting the fight back in me when I didn't think I had any left, you have no idea how happy you make me and how lucky I am to have you.
And then there's Kayla. My Kayla. Oh goodness. There is no reason other than fate that put us together and it happened at the perfect time. Kayla is 17 and a patient at SickKids like me, also like me; she's a medical mystery. Doctors just don't know why our bodies are acting up or shutting down, but they are. Every single day is a struggle with something new that no one can explain, or treat, or help...but if there was ever a cure for my heartache she is one. Even though she struggles and suffers every day she makes sure that everyone around her is okay, she's put on countless fundraisers for childhood cancer, and now one for the parents of SickKids that are going to be in the hospital for the holidays this year. It blows my mind how she can show so much love to the world that's failing her but she's my hero. On my bad days I can message her and tell her everything that's on my mind and she knows what to say to make it better, she won't ever judge me or disagree and there's nothing superficial it's all bitter, raw honesty. It's like "look, I know this sucks. I know it's not the ideal situation but we're going to make it work our way. I don't care how it looks to anyone else, our normal is going to work for us and that's all that matters" and that's that. From then on we've always said "our normal" and it brings me back from the dark clouds to remember that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and reminds me that one day there will come a day when we're pain free and get to live like we should but even if that day isn't tomorrow, or next week, I get to have her by my side until then. I'm so freakin' lucky. We get to laugh in the face of adversity, honestly who laughs about feeding tubes and IV morphine? We do. Passing out and high heart rates? We do. It's not foreign to her, I don't have to separate my sick life from real life because there is no boundary. Although I wish she didn't have to know this side of life, I'm glad she does. I'm glad that she is as strong willed and brave as she is because I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her.
This is long enough for now, there will be another part to this...eventually. I still have so many people to thank and tell you about because they are all so worthy of it but I'm going to stop here. I don't know if anyone reads this to be honest, but should any of the people above see it and even the people who aren't mentioned I mean every single word whole heartedly. I really can't put into words how much I owe to each and every one of you for helping me, I would not be standing here today if it wasn't for your love, support and prayers. Some days it feels like the world is crumbling from beneath me, but I can look to anyone at any point and have someone hold me up until things fall back into place. It is the greatest comfort knowing that I have so many people to fall back on and remind me that I do have a purpose on this earth. Not only do each of you remind me of that but you restore my faith in good things, and good people...and give me a reason to live.
Jordan, I love you.
Kayla, I love you.
Tay, I love you. I miss you. I will talk to you soon sissy. I hope you're safe.
À Dieu vit ma soeur,
Sab









