Her light, her life, her legacy

Just your average teenage girls building a friendship in a not-so-average way. Heaven accepts mail, right?

[live4tay]

Broken roads and blessings: Part 1

Hey you...

You: Tay, reader, friend, stranger, person. Little me again popping up from the darkness to say hello and rant; I am absolutely awful with updating this blog but it really doesn't mean that I haven't had every intention of doing so. I sit down and write these posts but then I realize that I'm usually very redundant, which leads to frustration, which then turns into defeat anddddd there goes that. 

I just wanted to pop in and say hey, post a little update and stuff not that anything is really exciting. I started school again this year which has been going okay I've been goofing around until I get enough credits to transfer into the nursing program so I'm not completely invested in what I'm studying right now making it incredibly hard to actually be productive. That's new for me but I'm sure it's no secret that I love to procrastinate, I'm really so good at it. These last few months have been hard but there have been a lot of silver linings, so many blessings that I wouldn't have encountered had I not gotten sick so in a weird twisted way I might be thankful for it. 

Everything has actually been (dare I say it) stable. I've had my fair share of lows, but there have been enough good things to balance me out and overall I'm grateful. I have met so many amazing people that have helped me realize what it means to not fight alone and it is the greatest feeling in the world to have a group that is willing to be your backbone when you can't. To be honest I haven't felt like this since Tay left...I can't help but feel guilty and angry at myself for it, but I know it's what she would have wanted. Hell I'm pretty sure it was her who helped the stars aligned, yeah Tay I hear you. It's never going to be okay that you had to leave me but I'm glad you're in heaven enjoying all of God's glory and that shoe closet. Tay and I had a theory that in heaven there's a shoe closet full of beautiful shoes that never make your feet hurt, and just so you know she's saving me the size 7s. I miss you a lot and there's not a second that goes by that I don't think about you. I still catch myself thinking "I can't wait to tell Tay this" and then remembering that I can't, 12:54 still cripples me, and so does the 5th of every month. I always remind myself that with each day that passes it's another day closer to us being reunited in heaven, whenever that time comes. 

I started back at dance again. I'm blessed with an amazing studio and an even more amazing teacher, friend rather, that are so understanding and so open to helping me cope and get through everything. They've given me so many opportunities that I wouldn't have without them and not only through my fight but when it comes time to help others they are always first to offer support. It's felt so good to have a part of my old life back and even though I definitely get frustrated with the things I can't do it's a really great feeling to leave your heart on the dance floor. I really do wish that I didn't give up on dance and I didn't stop, I look at people who are pursuing dance and continuing on with it and using their passion and talent to the full extent and I admire them so much...almost as much as I envy them. The moral of that story is kids, when the cliché line of not giving up your dreams is thrown at you take it to heart and don't make my mistake. Keep at it because it is the greatest thing in the world to have an outlet, a passion, a reason. But none the less thank you Angelica for being my rock and being so patient with me, to Steph Marin for always lending an ear and love on my rough days and my good ones, to Andrea Viola for still loving me through this even though we didn't know each other for long and to the entire company and faculty at Rugcutterz for inspiring me and helping me know this type of happiness. I love you guys to the moon and back and I honestly will never be able to say thank you enough times. 

I feel like this is my grammy nomination speech but it's fine, I'll write it now and just file it away for when the time actually comes. I still have a few more people I need to talk about though. 

You know that song that goes "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you" by Rascal Flatts? Yeah there's never been a truer meaning. Even though being sick and having this life is a really shitty thing most days, some days it's not and those days, despite how scarce they may be, fuel me through the darkest moments. Meeting the people I have has been the greatest thing I could ever ask for it seems at the moments where I'm on my knees begging God for a reason, or a miracle He sends me someone that will perfectly fit the empty space in my heart. Just like he sent me Tay. It's like just when I feel like I'm complete I fall apart again but the only reason that God allows me to fall apart, is just to find room for another blessing. 

A few years ago I was inpatient at SickKids and I was watching my usual ritual of So You Think You Can Dance as I religiously did...it was the auditions and a new set of dancers. I remember seeing this redhead with the most GORGEOUS hair ever, fly onto my TV and blow my dancing mind. I watched that audition and from that second I KNEW (I totally called it I'm dead serious, not just saying that I did. I really did) that she was going to win the whole thing, there was no doubt. Jordan Clark. This spunky, passionate, insane person that had me hooked from the first beat. I honestly had no idea how much love I would develop for her and the places I would reach because of her. Long story short, the amazing crew of SYTYCDCanada sent me some cool merch from the show and Jordan's autograph. I messaged her and thanked her for sending it, put a face to my name and let her know just how much she got me through. I watched her kick ass every single week from that bed on 7D. I had stopped dancing at that point because I was too sick, it killed me to think about what I was missing out on but Jordan got me saying "man, I can't wait to dance again". Not surprisingly, Jordan reached out with nothing but love and gratitude and stuck around through this crazy mess of a journey, and two years later I finally got to hug her in person and I got to watch her dance IN PERSON...not from a hospital room. There were tears. Lots of them. Jordan not only has the best hair (ever, hands down) but she has the biggest most sincere heart. Her capacity to love is huge and with every single person she meets she is genuine and true and that is more than I can say for a lot of people. She's listened to me cry countless times, made me laugh through awful moments and through good ones and she has just stuck with me regardless of the obstacle that's ahead of me. I am so lucky that I have her to call, or text, or see every single day she is one of the gifts that I really question what I did to have. I could go on for days about how she's inspired me and I mean truly inspired me, she's saved my ass more times than she even knows. I tell her all the time how I can never give her back what I owe her because she has honestly given me so much, if I turn out to be half the person that she is I know I'm doing something right. Jordy, I love you. There's not much more I can say to that. You make me so proud with every passing day and you remind me that this life is worth living. Thank you for being my rainbow and putting the fight back in me when I didn't think I had any left, you have no idea how happy you make me and how lucky I am to have you. 

And then there's Kayla. My Kayla. Oh goodness. There is no reason other than fate that put us together and it happened at the perfect time. Kayla is 17 and a patient at SickKids like me, also like me; she's a medical mystery. Doctors just don't know why our bodies are acting up or shutting down, but they are. Every single day is a struggle with something new that no one can explain, or treat, or help...but if there was ever a cure for my heartache she is one. Even though she struggles and suffers every day she makes sure that everyone around her is okay, she's put on countless fundraisers for childhood cancer, and now one for the parents of SickKids that are going to be in the hospital for the holidays this year. It blows my mind how she can show so much love to the world that's failing her but she's my hero. On my bad days I can message her and tell her everything that's on my mind and she knows what to say to make it better, she won't ever judge me or disagree and there's nothing superficial it's all bitter, raw honesty. It's like "look, I know this sucks. I know it's not the ideal situation but we're going to make it work our way. I don't care how it looks to anyone else, our normal is going to work for us and that's all that matters" and that's that. From then on we've always said "our normal" and it brings me back from the dark clouds to remember that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and reminds me that one day there will come a day when we're pain free and get to live like we should but even if that day isn't tomorrow, or next week, I get to have her by my side until then. I'm so freakin' lucky. We get to laugh in the face of adversity, honestly who laughs about feeding tubes and IV morphine? We do. Passing out and high heart rates? We do. It's not foreign to her, I don't have to separate my sick life from real life because there is no boundary. Although I wish she didn't have to know this side of life, I'm glad she does. I'm glad that she is as strong willed and brave as she is because I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her. 

This is long enough for now, there will be another part to this...eventually. I still have so many people to thank and tell you about because they are all so worthy of it but I'm going to stop here. I don't know if anyone reads this to be honest, but should any of the people above see it and even the people who aren't mentioned I mean every single word whole heartedly. I really can't put into words how much I owe to each and every one of you for helping me, I would not be standing here today if it wasn't for your love, support and prayers. Some days it feels like the world is crumbling from beneath me, but I can look to anyone at any point and have someone hold me up until things fall back into place. It is the greatest comfort knowing that I have so many people to fall back on and remind me that I do have a purpose on this earth. Not only do each of you remind me of that but you restore my faith in good things, and good people...and give me a reason to live. 

Jordan, I love you.

Kayla, I love you.

Tay, I love you. I miss you. I will talk to you soon sissy. I hope you're safe. 

À Dieu vit ma soeur,

Sab

[live4tay]

Note to Self

I've been in this submissive limbo like state trying to induce numbness and silence into my brain. Instead I've sat around and hated myself and criticized myself for everything wrong I've done and how crappy my life is at this point, I tried so hard to put myself in a state of happiness and contentment but in turn I've made myself miserable. Lately I've been reading over my scribbles of attempted blog posts and I notice that my ranting and pissy-ness always has a lot of layers, like ogres and onions. Here's my complicated twist on everything: I don't criticize or rationalize or argue with just myself; I always feel like there's a third party in this. Like my thought process and emotions are a completely different part of me that I have to consult and blame, like I'm not the problem but WE are the problem. It sounds sort of schizophrenic-y but its not. If we have to put a mental illness on it I'll tell you straight up that my anxiety and depression have manifested into some giant beast that is the culprit. Perhaps its a form of deep, subconscious neglect to the idea that this really is my fault. Instead of my body working as one functional system, its like my body versus my brain; a very broken metaparadigm. All in all: I have issues. Everywhere. All over the place. I feel like I'm this insignificant little cloud that floats around until I'm occasionally (and conveniently) seen by people but at the end of the day when the sun sets no one notices that cloud is gone, or was even there. Its frustrating as hell because I want to blame someone but I can't. I never in a million years thought I would be here in this state at 19, yet here I am. I'm bitter and full of resentment towards everyone else who has their shit together and is moving on without dragging their sorry ass along. I didn't want to be here and I don't. I've never been able to tread water. I think that a lot of the issues of the people on this earth stem from expectations...they mess everything up. I can guarantee that 90% of the time that I have this pre-existing notion of how shit is going to turn out it ends up the opposite and surprise, surprise I always end up all over the floor. But this expectation versus reality thing isn't new--no its been going on for all of my life and I still haven't accepted the fact that I should probably stop predicting. I suppose that's why I have yet to buy a lottery ticket. All in all, I'm stupid for thinking that I can beat life and have it all figured out before the sucker punch comes in for the kill. Note to self: he will not fall for you, you didn't study hard enough and most importantly words are not bricks...they are feathers. Nothing is concrete. I guess I'm just super great at wishing I was things I'm not. I only wanted happiness; to be happy or at least content. I don't think it was an unreasonable goal or request so why do I always stand at the polar opposite no matter what I do? Am I focusing on needing to be happy instead of just being happy? Yeah, probably. I think that I'm only in this state because I allow myself to be--just like I'm not happy because I don't think I deserve to be. I had this preconceived idea of what my happiness would be like. Pain free, on a beach with my friends, mind not racing, laughing, success, love, solutions to every problem. I'm not on that beach. My best friends are in heaven. I am hurting, badly. I'm tired. I'm not successful. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I need a roadmap, I need some light or motivation. Because Tay, 363 days ago my heart stopped beating with yours. How do I do this? Get me out of this nightmare. Love you to the moon and back

[live4tay]

Goodbyes, God and Grace...my Emma Grace

Goodbyes are complicated. They can be full of sorrow, regret, happiness, and frustration. It can be fuelled by revenge, by longing, or by love. Perhaps none of the above. But we know it's the end when it's time to say goodbye. The world seems to be full of those. Everything needs to end. But the good thing about goodbyes, is that it would never exist without a hello. So when it is time to say goodbye to what has come to pass, ignore it. Focus on the hello instead because hellos can be filled with beautiful people who make life so much better

Surprise! Hi strangers, it's me again. I've been tardy as usual but I think that's expected of me at this point so we won't spend too much time talking about it. Incase you haven't guessed it the topic of today's post (and many others) is goodbye; its promise, its versatility, you get the picture. 

But really, what is goodbye?

Goodbye is a word that is thrown around just as much as love is. 

Goodbye can mean forever. Goodbye can mean for now. But what really gets you...is when you want to say goodbye for now, but life nips you in the bud and makes it forever.

Goodbyes suck: plain and simple. Take a quick second to pause and think about how many times you have said goodbye...go all the way back to your elementary school days and reflect. If you're anything like me (which I hope you are in some aspects, so I can feel normal) many of those goodbyes have been over petty and ridiculous things especially when I was a child. I said goodbyes not knowing the magnitude and not knowing what I was doing, I always thought goodbyes ended with hellos; never did I imagine that it would be the other way around. Oh innocence, sweet naivety how I loathe thee. I never in a million years would imagine that saying goodbye could mean forever, forever and not just temporarily. 

Now here's not to say that its always mindless and spiteful to say goodbye because it most certainly isn't. I think its human nature to guard ourselves when we feel vulnerable, unfortunately it is more often than not that rather than turning the page we close the book.

In my own defense, and the defense of humans, I think we use goodbye in a state of vulnerability. Face it. Humans are not good with vulnerability; the idea of being open to someone hurting you is preposterous so we do everything we can to stop the hurt--often ending in goodbye and if by chance we don't act quick enough and get hurt we do the same. Right in that moment, the idea of forgiving the person who hurt you is foreign and thus we say goodbye.

How many times do we have to make the stupid mistake of not forgiving? It makes everything so much easier but instead we choose to say goodbye not realizing that it could be for eternity. If God can forgive the sins of people who have doubted him, done against his will, harmed his son time and time again why can't we? If we weren't so quick with our dismissal then maybe, JUST maybe goodbyes may not have to be so frequent.

I said goodbye to a lot of people recently and I did so out of vulnerability and frustration. I've questioned for so long whether goodbye was the answer and I think this time it might be. I beat myself up because I know what its like to have your "see you later" turn into forever. For now? I don't want to be the one to hurt over unspoken dismissal and as I've been told if you love something, set it free if it returns then it was meant to be. 

One of the hardest goodbyes I have had to say was only a short month ago to my sweet friend Emma. Honestly I have found that unless you really look, there are very few true testaments to the good of God but Emma was one that the Lord put in my path without me having to search. I am so blessed that he decided to unite our paths and give us each other, for those of you that don't know Emma and I were both patients at Sick Kids Hospital here in Toronto. She bravely fought acute myeloid leukemia for 8 months before God suddenly and unexpectedly called her home on May 20th shortly after she relapsed. I don't think I need to tell you how painful it is to lose someone, because I'm sure you've heard it enough. 

Though Emma and I only knew each other a short while she has opened my eyes to so much. She has lit the path and encouraged me to create a stronger relationship with God, she has taught me how to take things in great stride, she has taught me a true friendship, taught me resilience, bravery and showed me nothing but love through our whole friendship. It's as if we were destined to meet--we just saw eye to eye on things that not many people understand, and if they did understand they would wish they didn't. The world of fighting against your body is a frustrating and dark place but having people like Emma by your side provides a light...Emma saved me. She is true to her name and is a testament of God's grace and all of the good He has to offer. I will never understand why Emma had to suffer and leave us but I do know it is His will, and now she is free of suffering and in the arms of the Lord. 

As Emma's mom Michelle said, heaven wins. How? He has the most amazing angels in His kingdom. Emmy, Emma-lu, there are no words to describe how grateful I am to have had you by my side and have you as my friend. You have taught me so much more in our friendship than I could have learned in a lifetime. You were, and are a blessing and will always be one of my best friends. You are so right, I will be here forever...always cheering you on and holding your hand for a long, long time. You can't get rid of me that easy ;-) I'm going to cherish every moment we had together forever. Every phone call that lasted hours on end, every Skype call, laying in bed with you and talking, holding your hand in the ICU, every moment was a gift. I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited in heaven, until then sing with the angels beautiful girl. Goodspeed my Emmy, I miss you so very much.

Before I close this off I just wanted to let you guys know of something I think is incredible. Throughout Emma's life she has had a deep love for children and later in her life planned on going on a mission trip to third world countries to combine her love for children and God...in lieu of flowers her family has started "Emma's House" a house to be built in various locations around the world for orphaned children and I cannot think of a better tribute to her life. If you are able to, please click the link above and donate to this beautiful mission. Emma's parents, Jamie and Michelle and her 4 siblings will be traveling to Uganda on a mission trip to build Emma's House later this year. But if by chance you are not able to donate, please click the link and cast your vote for Emma's mom to win Walmart's Mom of the Year and a grant towards building her house. It takes two seconds and you will be changing lives, it means so much to me.

To my beautiful Tay, I cannot believe that today is 10 months in heaven. These next few months are going to be so difficult but I'm turning to God to carry me through...no more pain. Hug Emma extra tight for me. I miss you, we all do. I hope you're safe. 

My incredible readers, thank you again for your support and love as I continue to travel this difficult road...I will post soon as these next few months bring out so much emotion. Please keep all those that know and love Tay and Emma in your prayers, this is such a trying journey and they need God's grace and love to find peace. Ask the Lord to hold them close and ease the pain of living life without their loved ones. 

À Dieu vit ma soeur

[live4tay]

So much need for healing, praise be for restoration

I mentioned this in my last post but I feel like I should further elaborate back its been so heavy on my mind these last few days. Aside from Tay's presence I mentioned that I live for the moments that take my breath away. I've heard the quote, "life isn't measured in the number of breaths you take--but the moments that take your breath away". I never truly understood it because I didn't understand what it meant to have your breath taken away. I don't think I ever mentioned it Tay but it was one of those things that no matter how much I thought about it it never got any clearer. 

And now, it makes perfect sense. 

I'm going to go a little zen on this but it's human nature to question the meaning of life, right? I remember the night that we tried to tackle "the meaning of life" and then criticize anything we thought wasn't just in the world and a lot of people that were't right either. We speculated that the meaning of life was ultimately the quest to seek said meaning...people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what they're living for but when you look at it they're not living at all. If we spend our whole life looking for something then we pass by all the things we find on the way and that, in my opinion, is the answer. 

I hope in heaven you find the answer to all of our questions that we asked. I hope they're worthwhile. 

Though I can't sit here and tell you I've discovered the meaning and purpose of this existence, I think I can guess that a huge portion of it comes down to happiness. Very generic but it makes sense. To everyone happiness comes in different forms, it means different things. You, my dear friend, are a huge reason for my happiness.

My happiness comes in the form of the ability to love and be loved in return. The love that stems from our families, from relationships, and from our spiritual beliefs. Finding that one person who is able to love you entirely and spending the rest of your life with them. The love for the people that turn your skies blue, your friends. And the strongest form of love that is only found between a parent and their child. That's the beautiful thing about it, love really is eternal. Just when you think you have loved with all of your heart you learn that there is another opportunity for different love and it's a whole new experience to uncover. Crazy, right? 

Today I sit and reflect on all of the things that give me butterflies and take my breath away, things I never realized before. I invite all of you to do the same and take a second in the midst of your busy day and just realize the little things that go unnoticed but play a huge role in your overall happiness. Sometimes the smallest things can bring you a world of joy. 

I find that the love of a child can be the most rewarding love...watching a little baby grow and embark on things for the first time in their lives and know that you had a part in it is miraculous. My little cousin Isabella has been my saving grace since she was born, so much perfection. I love the way she yells out my name when she first sees me, I love how she can be sitting on my lap but has to call out my name just as if she's checking that I'm still there, I love how when she's at her happiest and most content she will turn around and hug and kiss you just because. I love watching her become a little lady and know I had a part of that. Happiness in it's purest form. 

Happiness in spending time with a great friend, regardless of what you do. Laying around or out and about; it's bliss. 

The little things like having your favorite thing for dinner, finding a good perfume, finishing up a rewarding task, starting on a new journey, there is so much left to be discovered. So, I want to know: what is your ultimate happiness? What puts a smile on your face?

Before I close this off I want to ask for your prayers for my friend Emma who is once again gearing up to battle leukemia for a second time. This week I will again be reminded of true happiness by spending the day with her. Please keep her close to your heart and never far from your thoughts...I am so blessed to know her and to have her in my life.

Tay, I hope you have found the ultimate happiness in heaven and never forget that you are my happiness...now and forever. I love you and I miss you so much.

Á Dieu vit ma soeur

[live4tay]

Mending by miracles and our timeless promise

I have not written in so long. I could say I was busy, which is true…I could say I wasn’t, which is also true but I have not forgotten about you Tay—or any of you lovely Tay-lovers. Since Tay’s birthday I have struggled immensely, I lost another one of my close friends to cancer shortly after Tay’s birthday. I know they both met at the gates of heaven and are having a great time I always knew they’d be great friends when they met. It doesn’t take the edge off of missing them, but it does help.

So this blog post might be short, it may be long it just depends on how fast my brain works. I don’t really have a set topic to these posts they really take on a mind of their own.

Let me just start off by saying that I am not a faithless person. I am guilty of letting my faith run low and being very selective of where I give it. With Tay’s passing (as many of us do with anyones passing) I began finding comfort in the little signs that could possibly be from her. They kept me sane on the days that I needed it most. You know, the whole smell thing…and then the way things perfectly fell into place when in reality they were probably just coincidences and I knew that in the back of my head. Instead I chose to take an alternative perspective that wouldn’t tear me down quite so easily. Naive? Yes. But it works. Another one of the ways that I tread through these deep waters is through Facebook. I send Tay a message almost regularly with whatever I need to tell her just like we used to; only it really sucks knowing that there will be no reply.

Thus we begin, my miracle girl just doing her thang…

Over the last few weeks I have really been struggling with my health and not feeling great. Days have been filled with sickness, pain, and overall frustration at no effective relief. Last night happened to be my breaking point so in the early hours of the morning I sent my beloved Tay a Facebook message telling her how angry and tired I was of feeling this way and that I just wanted to give up and call it quits. I seem to be fighting for something that is so unattainable, I felt trapped almost. I told her I needed a sign, I needed her to restore my faith and my strength and help me through it however she chose because I really, really needed her. I went on about my friend Ursula (who I will speak about at the end of this) and how I wish that the two of them got to meet because I know they would have loved each other. I just kept saying how amazing she was and how I wanted Tay to take care of her and hold her close…make sure she was safe. I closed it off in tears and said my goodnight again knowing I was simply just sending this message into the internet oblivion.

Then this morning I got a text from Ursula that read,

“I had a weird dream about Tay. It was the day of her funeral and I was at the cemetery and she was there looking at her own grave and she kept saying this isn’t right or this isn’t me. And then she came up to me and she was like here, ‘can you give this to Sab?’ It was a q-tip and I said she what’s it for? She said something about how when she’s gone then its Sab’s job to find a cure for all this. And how the q-tip will help because the cure is inside you. I didn’t get it but I gave it to you and you laughed”

And all I could reply at that second was oh my goodness. I got chills and I was shaking. Let me break this down for you:

A few years ago there was a ceramic statue of Mother Mary that was said to be crying tears of oil, and these tears healed people. I’m not going to lie, I was skeptical but I went because it meant a lot to my family and it didn’t hurt. So we drove out of town to this church seeking this statue. Here is where the crazy part comes in. I used a q-tip to wipe some of this oil off her face and I mailed one to Tay, kept one for myself, and gave one to one of my teachers who was battling cancer as well. No one knew about these q-tips but us three…I didn’t tell anyone. Tay and I always used to joke that these q-tips would one day be our saving grace and it just became something we said to each other. (Example: “Tay I’m so nauseous” “GET OUT THE Q-TIP!”)

I had forgotten about them until I recently cleaned out my room and found them just last week. In the midst of my shaking I went on a hunt to find where I put these q-tips…seriously I could not remember where I put them. Tay had given me so much in Ursula’s dream and I could not find them. I began panicking because I thought I had lost them and I just wanted them in my hands. So I sat on the floor and said, “Tay where are these flipping q-tips”…and it hit me. They were inside a little glass keepsake box that Ursula had given me with some stones in it. Yep.

In true Tay fashion she had the stars align perfectly for me. Her message was heard loud and clear. I honestly had thought these things don’t really happen…it just doesn’t seem logical. But it did. It happened less than 12 hours after I sent that Facebook message and she addressed everything I said, especially my plea…

“…just give me a sign or something okay? I need to restore my strength because I’m running low”

So she did. She told me I can conquer and she is right there beside me through it all…she hears everything and is with us every waking second. For her to address the q-tip was all I needed. God is so good all the time and so is Tay. We promised that we would never stop fighting for each other, we had such a connection that is so rare to come by. Soul sisters we were and she showed me in my darkest time that there is life after this and it is such a magical place. Tay…I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve taught me and what you did for me today. I am so blessed to have you watching over me…catch my kisses I’m sending up to heaven. You’re my rock.

I’m not here to convince you to believe but I’m here to tell you to have an open mind because the most incredible gifts can be there when we least expect it. I live for moments like these that take my breath away because they matter so much.

For those of you who don’t know Ursula she is the epitome of a perfect person in a tiny little package. I can honestly say that she is a huge reason I’m still sane. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an incredible human being as my best friend but I’m so glad she’s here. She comes to my rescue when I need it most…to lay with me while I sleep, cuddle me when I’m sad, dry my tears, and make me laugh until I cry. The night Tay had her seizure she sat on Skype with me and cried even though she had never met her, she cried. She came to the visitation of my friend Kristy-Ann just to be there to hold my hand even though it was ridiculously hard for her. Ursula lost her best friend Victoria 3 years ago…so to say we’re two matching pieces in an awfully broken puzzle is pretty accurate. She chooses to walk down this path with me all over again. Each day she teaches me so much and gives me so much to strive for; she gives me hope, and she listens. Her heart is so big. I just have so much love and respect for her and I hope that she knows how much she is appreciated. Regardless of how broken I may be, she makes me whole. Ursy, if I could take all of your pain and suffering and give you a life of pure happiness I would. Thank you for making my gray skies blue with your simple world. I hope I can one day make someone as happy as you make me. Thank you for being my saving grace…you are such a blessing. I love you so much.

To all my patient readers, thank you for following along on this journey. I cannot thank you enough for your support and the incredible outpour of love. I hope that the lime green light continues to guide you.

To my beautiful Tay, thank you for being there for me even though we are worlds apart. I miss you to the moon and back…you are the greatest friend a girl could ask for.

À Dieu vit ma soeur.

Sabrina

[live4tay]

Where are all the answers?

Tonight I want to cry, Tay. I have nothing inspirational to say, I have no words of advice to rekindle your spirits and give life to hopes and dreams. 

I just hurt. 

I'm hurt because I don't understand suffering, and I most certainly don't understand cancer. I don't understand death...and I guess I don't understand life either. To be totally honest I don't understand God and lately I don't have much trust or faith in him, despite my last post where I was optimistic that I would try to trust His judgement...I just don't. Is that so wrong? Does that not make me a Catholic? I don't know. I don't know if I'm just so fearful of the magnitude of power within these situations that they're projected into anger and hatred? Perhaps I'm just missing the point. Then again how is there a point to death? How is there a point to taking an innocent little girl, giving her a battle that shouldn't belong to a 70 year old man let alone her, making her suffer...and then stealing her? 

Maybe the point to this whole concept and being of life is to develop questions that make you ache, break, crumble, and collapse. Then in death, into entering Heaven, or whatever piece of kick ass blue sky you're at...we get all the answers. I'm just too impatient. I'm too impatient to sit here and wait to be reunited with you and get all the answers as to why you and so many other people have to suffer only to be taken. 

There better be a good reason because heaven has some pretty incredible people up there, and I'm so jealous that they get to spend time with you. 

For some reason I've been having flash backs to the day I left G's house for the last time...our last words to each other echo in my head and some days they break my heart and sometimes they give me the extra push. You'll always be my hero, you know that right? I have to tell everyone this because I just keep finding little pieces of you in all these decisions I have to make that guide my path. 

With the decision to leave school I of course had to occupy myself with something and I went out job hunting. I applied to a bunch of different stores and after I finished handing out resumes I had one left...and I instantly had this feeling that I needed to apply to Roots. For those of you who aren't in Canada, Roots is basically a Canadian founded, based clothing store. I've hyperlinked one of the Roots up there incase you're curious. Before I went to Tennessee, Tay asked me for something from Canada...her request? A Roots hoodie. When I was drawn to go in there I wasn't at all thinking about her request. Needless to say after two interviews I got the job, my boss called me and said she had a stack of paperwork for me to fill out. I went to go pick it up and holding it all together was a giant green paperclip, not just any green...Tay green. Then my first day came and I was assigned a six digit employee number, ending in none other than 25. Some may say coincidence, I say Tay. So thank you my dear, for making it clear that this was a good decision. In her honor my first purchase was a green Roots hoodie that is so super comfortable, again thanks Tay ;) 

I hope all of you have been Tay-ing it Forward! I can't wait to see how...don't forget about our Facebook page where you can post how you have made a difference in her honor. Also, the picture I've posted on Ellen's wall is only 6 or 7 likes away from 1000. So please, if you can share the photo and like, like, like. To bother you again if you could fill out an e-mail slip for her, the content could go something like this or anything your heart desires: 

Hi Ellen! I'm hoping you can help me out with a special project, I'm writing to you today on behalf of my hero Taylor Filorimo (you have been previously contacted by Sabrina Cannella)

Taylor was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma at the age of 13, a rare kidney cancer normally found in adult males...she fought bravely while it spread throughout her body and unexpectedly on September 5th 2012 the world lost one of it's brightest lights. She was only 16. Those who knew Taylor were instantly inspired by her, she had the kindest heart and sweetest smile. She had such a strong desire to live and fought for it, but she also fought to raise awareness of the disease that has taken so many of her friends. On January 30th Tay would be turning 17 years old, and in honor of everything she stood for I am inviting everyone to "Tay it Forward" and carry out 17 random acts of kindness in her memory. Taylor was not only strong and brave but she was kind, and she had such an incredibly big heart and desire to help others. If she were here today all she would ask for is simply the gift of awareness and love. She has a story the world needs to know...will you help spread it?  www.facebook.com/tayitforward www.live4tay.tumblr.com Thank you

So Tay, your 17th birthday is just days away. I can't believe this year we'll be celebrating without you physically here. Wow that hurts more to say out loud than in my head...this still feels like a nightmare. No matter how much I do there is nothing that would make celebrating your day without you less painful, it's a deep ass cut that I don't think will ever heal. But Taylor Filorimo, this cut is so worth having because I got to have you. For all of my faithful readers I'll be posting a fun blog on 17 things that Tay has taught me, and hopefully taught all of you...with the exception of a few of our silly ones. 

The best way I can describe life right now is unpredictable. I can find myself waking up some mornings with a smile on my face but the slightest thing will remind me of you have me on my knees...I'm sure that one day these memories will not be so painful but I don't think that will happen for a while. I feel like I'm living in a blur, everything is so surreal. 

I don't want to be here right now. I don't want you to be there. 

In all of this mess of the world I continue to see nothing but gold and lime green, and I continue to fight for nothing but Tay. I miss you more than you'll ever know. Sending 17 kisses to heaven, and one for good luck.

À Dieu vit ma soeur,

Sab

[live4tay]

Please reblog this and share it! Help me honor my best friends memory, even though she should be here. #tayitforward

[live4tay]

Redefining your faith, and "Tay-ing it forward"

Hi everyone! Happy 2013, I hope your year is off to a great start...I'm praying it only gets better from here for us all. There is no doubt that January is probably one of the most difficult months, at the end of the month Tay will be turning 17. I desperately wish that she was here to celebrate it, and all of the birthdays she still had to come. So, I sit and think "what would Tay be doing this year for her birthday? What would she ask for?"  She would ask for what she has always asked for, awareness to be made...kindness to surround us all...and love for everyone in your life. Thus I have decided to celebrate her 17th birthday and I hope that you all will help me do this as well. I present to you my most recent project:

Tay'ing it Forward in 17 Ways

This is exactly what it means...in honor of Tay's 17th birthday I will "Tay" it Forward to those around me and I sincerely hope that you will join me and honor her memory and legacy. Before January 30th I will perform 17 acts of kindness--whether it means paying for someone's coffee behind me, leaving a note on someone's windshield or simply dropping off a donation to your local children's hospital or childhood cancer charity. Even if its 1 act and not 17 just do something in her honor and make sure someone knows about it...it can be as simple as telling someone her story. I will post a picture that I hope you all will share with me so we can make this big...reblog it, repost it, print it out and stick it on windshields. Hang tight for that picture, it's coming my darlings. 

I will also be doing a few TV interviews to spread her story again to the community. Please comment below and let me know how you are "Taying it forward" and keep your eyes peeled for a Facebook page. 

So now to the part of the post that I think is the most important. I want to share with you all. If there is one thing that stands out about Tay the most it is her incredible undying faith in God, in a cure, in people, and in herself. There was never a moment in her 16 years of life that she did not let her faith guide her even if it did seem blind. Recently I had to make a very big decision, one that I've kept to myself with exception of a few people that were close. It was one that I did not want to make, and one that I still beat myself up about every day...I haven't found the good in this yet, but I have faith (because Tay would want me to) that this is positive. During a Skype conversation she said to me, "I believe God has done this for a reason...a good reason and I'm sticking with my answer" so I've done my best to instill this in me and keep me going and though some days are harder than others I carry that mantra with me. 

This past September I began university to become a nurse, a pediatric oncology nurse...a path both Tay and I planned to take together one day. On the second day of classes I received word that she passed away and as I've said before my world crumbled. From that day forward things continued to twist and turn and fall apart. I knew entering university would require me to say goodbye to quite a few things and people, I just never imagined it would be all that it was. With this, my health began spiraling downwards and did not stop; I struggled to keep myself going and on track despite my perfectionistic efforts. So with a not so stable mind, and a non-cooperative disease I had to make the decision to stop going to school to get everything under control and treated. Now for those of you that don't know me, this was a huge deal. I am not one to admit defeat or let any hurdles get in my way and stop me and for me to have to sit and realize that this is beyond my control and to succumb to it...well, I can't tell you how hard it is to face this reality.

As I signed the withdrawal papers in my guidance counsellors office in endless tears I was taking a leap of blind faith. After while I was thinking about it I scolded myself and was questioning why the hell I took this leap of blind faith and just threw my future out the window, how childish was I? I am 18 years old, how could I possibly act so juvenile? I wasn't about to accept that I had to throw the past semester out the window and the rest of my career. But now, I've spent many days thinking about this alone and chasing these thoughts around in my head. See normally I would have Tay to talk these through with me, she understood this aspect of my life and its so hard not to have her physically here. So one day I snuggled her sweater and cried and I understood...I finally found some peace in this. So here is my epiphany:

Approaching a situation with blind faith is not juvenile, it is not irresponsible, it is not taking a chance. What is blind faith after all? It's the idea of having an ounce of hope, a glimpse of a dream, and a burning passion that will drive you to where you want to get...but not knowing if you'll actually get there.  So now how do we define faith? For so long we have been oblivious to the true blessings God has put around us. The testaments, the trials, and the tribulations. He has armed us for the battles we face and we don't even know it. If we stopped focusing on the bad, and stopped dwelling on why it was happening we would see this. I too, especially lately, have been extremely guilty.  Faith is only blind when you choose not to see it. Courage is looking through the blindfold and moving forward despite the uncertainty. Success is not reaching the finish line, it's addressing the element of fear and still moving forward. Fear of the Lord, fear of the outcome, fear of the journey, and most of all? Fear of what would happen if we really did not move from where we stand.  Our faith is so incredibly powerful, it is powerful beyond measure. It is the foundation of every evil, it is the foundation of every good, it is the foundation of every relationship, and it is the foundation of reason.  Taylor always said to me that God puts obstacles and blessings in our lives for a reason. She never questioned why she had cancer, or why she had to hurt. Taylor never questioned any of it...and thus she never lived a day in vain. Ask yourself how it's possible that someone who has every reason to buckle and every reason to throw in the towel...did not. Now ask yourself how we so simply crack at the touch of negativity and collapse with the slightest injustice? And the answer is simply that of faith. Faith in the positive and faith in the negative. Faith in yourself, in others, and in God. Faith in the past, faith in the present, and faith for tomorrow--wherever that may be. 

To be honest with all of you, I am living in my worst nightmare right now and have been since September. But I am trying to do what Tay would tell me to do, and that is to have faith. I now have all faith in God that this is what I was meant to do, and this path is the right one. I have faith that this is only temporary. I have faith that I will conquer this, and that I will return to school and make a kick ass nurse one day...for the both of us. I have faith that this is what I need right now and it is not failure. But my strongest faith? My strongest faith is that my best friend is walking this path with me even though I cannot see her. 

I don't know if any of you have ever heard of the poem Footprints, but in a nut shell it is of a man who is walking on the beach with the Lord and is watching scenes of his life in the sky. Finally came the last scene of his life when it came to an end and he looked back in the sand only to see one pair of footprints, he also noticed this was so in all of the times of trials, tribulations, and negativity throughout his life. So he questioned Him and said, "why are there two sets of footprints in the good but only one in the bad...why do you desert me?" and the Lord answered that there are only one set of footprints not because you are left alone, but because He is carrying you through it. 

So I have faith that the Lord and Tay are carrying me through this, and the one set of footprints is not that I'm alone. I have faith in a meaningful yesterday, a fulfilling today, and an even greater tomorrow.

To anyone who is having a bad day, or a bad time in their life...hang in there. Good times will come and this will have meaning. This is only temporary. 

To everyone, please help me "Tay it forward" and share her story.

And finally, to my beautiful Tay who gives us all so much faith, I have nothing to say but thank you. Á Dieu vit ma soeur! 

Sabrina

[live4tay]

5 months without you shall be spent rapped in your sweater and yelling curses to the wind...we'll just pretend like that's who stole you. I don't understand why God would take away the brightest light we've ever known...so we'll just say you were stolen. Because you were. 16 years is not enough. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

[live4tay]

Recommencer: to begin again

You know Tay, I seem to avoid writing these blogs a lot and I'm not sure why. It's not that I really don't enjoy it, because writing helps me immensely...I just think that I have such a strong hatred for the reason that I'm writing that I can't get past that. I hope that my words are reaching hearts and miles, and I hope your legacy is too. I hope one day I can write an entry without holding my breath and simply let it be. I think that's what the theme of today's post is going to be...let it be. The post is called Recommencer just because I thought if I put it in French it would sound better, truth is...nothing without you is better or sounds better, even in the language of love.

I don't think I'm going to travel down memory lane today, okay? I don't want to think back to where we were a year or two ago because it hurts. For so long I was so naive in thinking that the holidays were just happy, that's just the way it was! Happy, jolly, and complete. This year the holidays are hardly happy, jolly, and complete. They're just here. Right now I feel so exhausted instead of refreshed and I want to turn on the snooze button just so I can find a way to get through it. I'm approaching these events with a little grain of "Tay" under my tongue and a new appreciation for my family, for my friends, and for the moments we can spend together...but you are always in my mind and heart as I mourn what I used to have. 

Pause for a second, cover your ears Tay ;)--I have to say this to my lovely readers. Every time (I'm talking every single time, regardless of where I am) I think of Tay, or I talk to her, or her loss is so incredibly profound...I smell her. Now I know that sounds weird but for me, personally, I find great comfort in smells. I love her sweatshirt because it smells just like her. But even though I sit here now in my own PJs with tears streaming down my face...that smell hits me. It is not constantly there, only when I need it most and my good Lord I love it. So if that's you missy, don't you ever stop because I love it so much...let it be, okay? RESUME. 

Today, on January 30th we stand 30 hours away from 2013 (as of right now, for me. I'm not sure what time zone you go by in heaven but I bet it's a lot more glamorous than our Nashville-Toronto times). We talked about this last year and I don't want to go through our messages to find it but I think I'm going to, again, for those who want to know you better. Let me try and explain our point of view...

The concept of a new start is always refreshing, to many it's an opportunity to start again, to do better things, to put the past in the past and move forward. Essentially, to the human race the idea of a new year is to begin again. This idea is pretty much instilled in us as babies and follows us around the rest of our lives as we sort of adopt this thought process and call it our own when it's really not. 

So Tay and I did our favourite thing and yelled BULLSHIT to the wind, pardon the French. I apologize to any this may offend but we hated the idea of this faux new year promise that society surrounds us with. Let's be real all we do is use this as an excuse to drink to our demise, stay up until midnight, and make promises that reflect the person we wish we could be and then they fall through. They don't fall through because we're weak, they fall through because they're completely based on traits and things we wish we could do...things that don't come naturally. For example, my new years resolution has always been to stop biting my nails....it's been my resolution for a solid 4 years. Now? I'm still sitting here chomping away as I write this blog saying "NO SERIOUSLY THIS IS IT SABRINA. IM SERIOUS. 2013 IS IT." Wrong. Bullshit. Aside from that we found it really silly for people to be so excited about a new start and be adamant that this was a clean slate, because it wasn't. Regardless of how bad you messed up in the year before or the misfortunes it brought, you grew great lengths and those lessons that you learned will always be with you.

"I think it's so dumb to forget what happened in the last year of your life...ya bad things happened but what about the good? honestly if I could start January 1st without thinking that I had cancer I wouldn't because it's made me who I am, God put it in my path for a reason and I'm not going to ignore it cause thats sooo disrespectful."

Another wise thing she said. God works tirelessly to create each and every one of us, if all it's going to take is one day to forget all of it...how ungrateful is that? The past 365 days were filled with lessons, blessings, and events that shaped you as a person and you can't forget about them. The next 365 days you will continue to build on what the previous year has laid out for you. 

My challenge and resolution this year is not to stop biting my nails, or spend less money...my resolution is to simply let it be. Let the past be what it is, I will not dwell on it or beat myself up for what was done. Let the future be what it may, I will not panic over what it holds and where I will be. But most importantly, to be in the future and be comfortable with it...I will soak in every moment good or bad and let it happen. I wont struggle to change what is infront of me, but instead to make it work. I encourage you to do the same, just let it be. 

To sum this all up, this year has been one of the best but worst of my life the definition of bittersweet because I would relive it over in a heartbeat but I wish it never happened too. In August I got to hug you for real, kiss your head, play in your hair, laugh with you, talk with you, cry with you, hold you, paint our nails, take naps...I got to be with you. But in September I lost you. I will never forget the year of 2012. It was a year of so much hurt, and so much loss...endless tears, fears, and sadness; but it was also a year of epiphanies and great lessons that have been learned. Though it hurts so bad to go back through all of it I am so reluctant to let it go because I'm scared that if I do I'll forget the sound of your voice, your smell, your smile, and what it felt like to hug you that one last time.

Through it all time continues to go on, just like we thought it would. But you're not missing out on much, I promise Tay. For you, I promise to be braver, and I promise to fight harder, I promise that I will never let my voice be silenced by someone or something else because we have a damn good message for people to hear, I promise that I will do the things we said we would.  

To all of my wonderful journey-goers, I wish you every happiness and success in 2013. I hope it brings good health, great fortune, and even better company...and for those of us who are welcoming the new year with broken hearts, I pray that it somehow brings us slight healing. 

Tay, I hope heaven is amazing & everything we thought it would be. I know there are good things in store for you there even though I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you're safe. 

À Dieu vit ma soeur,

Sab

[live4tay]

[live4tay]

You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.

Taylor Filorimo ~ January 30, 1996 - September 5, 2012

[live4tay]

Merry Christmas my Christmas angel! 

Your friendship and your love was the greatest gift I could have ever been given, and though I cherish it this year--I grieve your loss so much harder. There are not enough presents that could make spending Christmas without you okay, or any day for that matter. I know you had the most wonderful Christmas in heaven, cancer free and with Dylan, Savannah, Clinton and all of the other kids you loved so much. But don't forget about all of us down here. 

I'm so grateful for all I got this year but all I really wanted was you to be here, and since that can't happen I am just asking for a cure. Please give us all the courage to open our hearts and our minds to stepping to a cure...awareness is the greatest gift of all. 

À Dieu vit ma soeur! 

[live4tay]

"Rate your pain using a number from 1 to 10"

Hi Tay bug,

I miss you. A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot.

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Today is one of “those” days. The days where I want to lay in bed and not get out, not interact with anyone, not surf the web, just lay there and reminisce back to the days when we didn't have to know--know pain, know cancer, and know life without you.

I promised myself that when I started this blog I wouldn’t constantly be telling those who read it how much I miss you because it would get repetitive. But today I’m saying to hell with that because I really do. Before you left this earth I thought I knew “pain”, I always thought I knew what it felt like to hurt. Whenever I was asked to rate my pain, I never gave it a 10 because I knew one day my “10” would come…and I was never sure at that moment if that was when it was there, I doubted it anyways.

Remember how we always laughed at this pain scale because it was so juvenile? We seriously hated it to the depths of our core because it was frustrating to put a number to pain...how could pain have a number?

[Serious question, have any of you ever been asked to describe your pain? And you look at the doctor and think "well, it's kind of sharp...but dull and achy...and its right in this spot here but kind of on the other side...it feels like someone's squeezing...no stabbing...no just putting pressure...but a painful pressure....but it's definitely hurting" and then you think about what you just said, or tried to say and you just shake your head and shrug your shoulders because all you know is that it hurts. So how on EARTH are we supposed to rate this pain? We definitely understood the difference between a 1 and a 10, but not between a 6 or a 7, or a 2 or 3]

There was one day on Skype that we dealt with this frustration for a solid 3 hours...remember? 3 hours we yelled at no one in particular but to whoever it was that invented that stupid thing. It went something like, "WHY DOES IT MATTER HOW MUCH I HURT OR HOW IT HURTS?!?!?! JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO STOP IT BECAUSE IT HURTS AND UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A REASON TO HURT THEN ASK YOU TO DESCRIBE IT I SUGGEST WE GET SOME PAIN MEDICATION ON BOARD...STAT" and then we found the humor in it. From that day forward we would ask each other to rate our pain, and we did. "So Miss Filorimo what is your pain today?" "Well actually I'm finding it between a 6 and a 7, almost like a 4...but not as bad as an 8...you see it sometimes feels like a 3, a solid 3 that's close to a 5...but overall I'll just rate it around a 2.73648183."  Ladies and gentlemen we had done it again, another way to be smart asses and use it to our advantage and boy did we get a huge kick out of that, especially when saying it to crabby nurses and enjoying their stumped yet disapproving reaction. 

But in all seriousness Tay, if you asked me to rate my pain today I would rate it a 25. Not a 10, or 15...but a 25. My bones don't ache, and my stomach doesn't hurt, my head isn't throbbing and my back isn't breaking, but my heart? My heart is shattered into pieces and it worse than any pain I could ever imagine. My heart hurts so much, and it is longing for the number 25 that is missing in my life aka you. I would do anything to have you back with me, to kiss you and hug you and love you and hear your voice. ANYTHING. I know one day we will be reunited but that day can't come soon enough. Life is a terrible thing without you, you were my daily dose of happiness. I hope I told you that enough.

I've been choked up so many times today but no amount of tears can make me feel better. I want to cry and scream and kick until someone gives you back to me, to us, where you should be. Today as I was describing the hurt to someone who very generously lent their ear to me they said, "she's in a better place now" and to be honest with you I wasn't comforted by it. Now don't get me wrong I understand people's intention but I now don't understand how it can be true. Yes you aren't suffering anymore, yes you aren't hurting, but the better place is right here with you friends and her family. Heaven is not a better place for you to be and especially not at 16 years old. In our arms and our lives is a better place to be, not just our hearts. Heaven is not a better place for you, Tay. 

As we continue on our days I find it so hard to feel any comfort or any redemption or any ease of this pain. There are no words to heal it. Yes, there are SO many incredible things happening right now because of you and your story is reaching so many people! Not to mention you designed a kick ass pair of shoes to grace the feminine population with. I just wish that you were really here to see it and I hope you hear me when I tell you how proud I am of you because I really am. This is all because of you, you are changing the world!

I hate this world without you and today the only words that I can meaningfully muster up to say is a gigantic FUCK YOU CANCER. Fuck you for the hurt, fuck you for the pain, fuck you for taking my Tay-Tay away. A giant fuck you. Fuck you for making life so tedious and dull some days, fuck you for creating this entire travesty that could have been eliminated if you would just leave everyone alone. 

No sweater hugs, or videos, or pictures can make today okay. It can make it easier, but not okay. You are such a huge part of my world and now that you're not physically here I find myself lost and absent minded. 

For some reason I can't find it in me to feel the joy that I felt hugging you, and the happiness that followed after one of our talks...but without any hesitation I can constantly relive the feeling of not being able to breathe, and not being able to see through my tears as my world came crashing down on September 5th, 2012 at 12:54. Why is that? Why is it so easy to feel the hurt, but so hard to feel the joy? Why can I always remember my nightmares, but never my good dreams?

I suppose it's the same reason that broken glass can never be whole again. You can glue it back together a million times but it will always still be broken. It just sucks that even though the cracks are tiny, they are so damn hard to overcome.

SO TAY TAY, today I think I will allow myself to hurt and dwell in the cracks, I'm going to allow myself to feel the pain that I rate a 25, I'm going to allow myself to mourn the life that was stolen so unfairly, I'm going to allow myself to miss my best friend and realize how stupid this situation is, and I'm going to allow myself to say FUCK YOU CANCER and feel no guilt. I am not going to hold back because I'm living in my worst night mare and I am going to bring every one of these readers into it with me. Not out of spite, but out of hope. Hope that this fear, and this hurt will give them the push to help me change this. No words will ever allow you to feel my pain in entirety, and I pray that they never have to feel it. I do pray that they will help me find light in this dark path because I cannot do it alone.

I want want you back so bad, so freakin' bad. 

Hey Tay? I love you. À Dieu vit ma soeur...I'm so sorry this had to happen. I miss you to the moon and back and more than you could ever know.

Fly high my angel!

Sab

[live4tay]

CHOA, Clots, and Christmas....none of which could be conquered by cancer

I’ve been trying to write this for the past few days, but I have always thought “there’s a better time to write it”. Congratulations Sabrina, you are wrong again. I should have written it that first morning I wanted to.

Truth is, this is a lot harder to manage than I thought it would be. To look back into the past and try to relive those days, to stare at her picture into her beautiful eyes and know that right now I won’t see them again…but I know I will someday. But I’ll brave it for her, and so all of you can enjoy her presence. I can only hope my descriptions are adequate enough. 

ENOUGH BLABBERING, the theme of today’s post is resilience...onward...

So this time last year Tay went to Atlanta with her dad but her activities were quickly cut short when she ended up admitted to the Children’s Hospital of Atlanta (CHOA) with severe pain in her leg…this pain turned out to be a blood clot and a nasty ass blood clot it was. It made her leg swell up, turn colors it shouldn’t, it was hard and hot and it shouldn’t have even been an issue for her because she just wanted to get away from cancer for a little bit. And she couldn’t. But it didn’t take away her smile or her joy yet again.

We talked through twitter most of the time, we only Skyped once or twice…she was in a lot of pain and had visitors so we couldn’t talk like we usually did. Over twitter she was her regular self throwing in the occasional joke, and showing me her strength but I could see it in her face that she was hurting. I won’t forget that message that I got during the night and in all honesty it took those three letters for me to know that she wasn’t okay. “Sab?” I wish I could have been with her to hug her and hold her. Now here’s where I need to clarify…when I tell you that Tay “cracked” or when I share her moments of tears, or general sadness, etc. please know that it doesn’t mean she wasn’t strong because she sure as hell was, it doesn’t mean she lost her will to fight this ugly beast, and it doesn’t mean that she succumbed to the cancer at any moment. Taylor is the definition of resilience, strength, and perseverance but most of all Taylor is human and humans “feel”. Unfortunately she had to “feel” more than any sixteen year old, and more than your average person should have or will. She is not super human, though she is a super hero, she does have to feel. 

The rest of the conversation she “cracked” and let it all out. I just sat and listened and I tried to ease her anxieties…being away from home, not having her usual comforts around her, the fear of this blood clot, the overwhelming amounts of pain, the uncertainty of the future and how this will be resolved and how it will affect her, and the incredible frustration of this stupid situation. We talked through it, we agreed we would take it one day at a time because that’s all we could do. But after our cry we were ready to attack again, a common occurrence in our relationship.

Eventually Tay was driven back to Vanderbilt where she was treated with a surgery (on Christmas eve) to prevent the blood clot from going further from that leg. All in all, Tay was in the hospital for Christmas. This was incredibly hard on her, but in typical character: it was hard because she hated seeing everyone around her suffer. She didn’t like the idea of her family remembering Christmas in the hospital. I never realized why it was such a big deal that this Christmas had to be perfect…now I do. I think she knew more than we all did. She still continued to hurt so, so bad. The pain medications were increased and she slept more, but we did continue to see our typical Tay. 

“I guess the good thing is is that I get to lay here and aint nobody gonna tell me that i have to clean up this, or go get that…it all comes to me lololllllll” 

Got that right! Her amazing family did everything they could to make it the same Christmas it would be at home. They put up a tiny tree, had gifts, and Maria read the girls “The Night Before Christmas” over the phone like she always does. It was a memorable Christmas, and it was just as good as it could be at home. Again, an example of the infamous Filorimo resilience. 

This year is going to be different, much different. Last year at this time my infamous saying was “hey, it doesn’t matter where we’re celebrating Christmas…it’s only important to celebrate it with you”. Now I’m kicking myself for it because I hate myself for saying it…in some ways I feel like I jinxed it. Now here is the honest truth of how I am approaching these very merry holidays that are so full of joy. Bullshit. I don’t want to look at the colors red and green, and I don’t want to say Happy Holidays because I don’t think there’s anything happy about them. All I want for Christmas this year is a cure, and I want my best friend back. Cancer is an asshole and there is no other way to put it. It has not only stolen the most incredible 16 year old from us, but it’s making it so hard to recover from this blow because it continues to attack. Injustice continues to attack. If you asked me a year ago I would tell you that Christmas was my favorite time of year, now I can barely stand the thought of it. 

So Santa, if you can hear me…this Christmas I want you to bring me a cure to cancer and if you can’t do that at least make me good at chemistry and math and stuff so I can try to find one on my own. I don’t think there is anything I want more this year than my best friend and I know that there is a mother who wants her child back, an aunt and uncle who want their niece back, a sister who wants her big sister back, a cousin who wants his cousin back, and a grandma and grandpa who want their granddaughter back…

Hug all of those you love incredibly tight and I challenge you to this year not give thanks for the materialistic gifts you receive but instead the gifts that you are surrounded by—your family and friends. Corny as hell but I would give so much to have a time machine.

To all of my Tay lovers, I wish you the Merriest of Christmases. May it be filled with family, love, lime green, and laughter. 

To my second family, I love you more than words can say and I’m holding you so close. This is the nightmare we never wanted to face but we can do it, for her and with her. I know there is no gift greater than her but you all have inspired people across the globe... I know that God will truly bless you and be with you this year.

To the angel that isn’t ontop of my Christmas tree but instead in heaven and in my heart, à Dieu vit ma soeur. 

And to cancer….yeah, efffffff you. 

Sabrina

[live4tay]

There are no words that I could possibly say to Denise to thank her. Thank her for her incredible bravery of talking about Tay today, I shed tears just listening to her. Thank her for noticing Tay's story and sharing it with the world. Thank her for loving her unconditionally and believing in her. Thank her for giving Tay something to strive for and believe in, and a reason to smile in her last few months. If she was here I know she would be so unbelievably grateful and have non-stop thank you and smiles...this was her dream, and I so wish she was here to see it. 

[live4tay]

I'm SO excited to present to you the stunning shoe designed by Tay! Please click here to see the shoe and buy the heck out of it. Not only is it absolutely stunning but 100% of the profit goes to the Kidney Cancer Association towards research for a cure. 

I remember sitting beside Tay going over shoe designs...I remember when this was on paper. To see it in person moves me to tears, I cannot thank Denise Richards enough for helping keep Tay's voice and mission alive. PLEASE BUY!