EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who rereads your conversations on the loneliest nights. every joke made, every plan desired, every love you promised, a whole conversation without beginning or end was read and reread by Namjoon when the longing for you tightened his heart. in a way, in the pain he caused himself he found a little comfort, knowing that for a moment what you had was true, it was felt by both of you. but then reality hit Namjoon like thunder, sending shocks of agony and sadness through his body that shook his entire soul. if that was true, why did you leave? were the Namjoon’s stories too detailed for you? were the photos shared by Namjoon too hopeful for you? speak! tell him! tell Namjoon why you stopped talking, why you decided to take with you all the conversations that could comfort him on the most turbulent nights. tell Namjoon why you stopped talking, why you decided that you no longer needed Namjoon to have jokes and plans and promises in your life. tell Namjoon why you left and he swears he’ll try to understand your side. “i’m trying to look in so many words exchanged where i went wrong to lose you. please, tell me that the reason for your departure is not forever on my phone.”
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who looks for you at the bottom of the alcohol bottles he drinks. Namjoon wondered why he wasn’t hearing you. you went with him everywhere, you always laughed when he said he could drink faster than you, you always gave him an alcohol-laced kiss when he almost spilled your drinks on you. but now you weren’t. now, in every bar, in the comfort of his house, you just weren’t there. it was as if you had disappeared, taking with you the joy of moments well spent, leaving behind a small haze of longing. now Namjoon drank alone. glass after glass, Namjoon drank alone, wanting to hear your laugh once again, wanting to feel your lips once again. just one more bottle and he was done. but what if it’s in the next bottle he finds you? you could be in the second bottle waiting for him to spill it all over him. yes, you were definitely in the third bottle. “alcohol has lost all its charm now that you’re not here to make me feel alive. the more i drink, the more i miss you. but there is something in me that pulls me to drink more in the hope of hearing you laughing at the end of each glass. i don't know what to do.”
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who can never finish a song because he's afraid of causing it the same pain he felt for you leaving. it all ended suddenly for Namjoon. your relationship simply came to an end one day and Namjoon never understood how or why. all Namjoon knew was that your words dug a huge hole inside his heart, and flooded him with an eternal hurt that only overflowed in a constant waterfall of pure pain. it was an end. a painful end. an end that Namjoon didn’t want to repeat. his art came from within him, in the small drops of pain that spilled from his heart; words written with the ink of melancholy that painted Namjoon’s soul had difficulty finding a home; the papers seemed too rough to use, the computer screen was too bright to contain so much darkness — where could Namjoon ease his pain? would Namjoon be able to ease his pain? finishing creating something… wasn’t that similar to the end of a relationship? all the love and effort that Namjoon felt was going to come to an end. abruptly. no explanation other than it had to end. how could Namjoon subject his entire art to such pain? it wasn’t enough for Namjoon’s heart to suffer, did he also have to make his art suffer? “the anguish that runs through me is something i wouldn’t wish on anyone. this eternal despair of not knowing when something will get better because you know it can’t get better. this anguish, this pain, i cannot give it to anyone. this pain should only be mine.”
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who saw you leaving with his heart in your hands. bring back his smile. bring back the sparkle in his eyes. bring back his will to exist, for you left and left behind a prison of pure agony and despair where you trapped Namjoon without giving him a chance to escape. and it was in that prison that Namjoon had been since you left, pondering his crime of having loved, of having loved you, of having loved you too much, knowing perfectly well that there was no possibility of freedom now that you left with the cell key, left with Namjoon’s heart. how could he dream of freedom when you had tied him with ropes of anguish and chains of hurt? Namjoon constantly lived on a bed of melancholy, surrounded by bars of pure suffering that prevented him from seeing the light of the world, retaining all the colors, expelling any and all happiness that could try to appease Namjoon’s broken heart. all because you left and took Namjoon’s heart with you. “i wasn’t able to stop you because you still held my heart with the same love that formed these bars, but you left. with two hearts. one mine, two yours.”
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who only sees you when he tries to move on. but maybe it’s time for him to forget, for him to put his past behind him and try to focus on a future he once dreamed would be bright. with you. the future Namjoon had dreamed of was bright and it was with you. no. it couldn’t be with you. Namjoon would move on and forget about you. yes. he would force himself to move on from now on. focus on his happiness. that previously only existed with you. Namjoon’s happiness only existed with you because you were the happiness in Namjoon’s life. no. it couldn’t be you no more. you are not here anymore. Namjoon needs to move on and forget about you. forget all the promises he made to you. forget all the kisses exchanged. forget all your idealized plans. forget you. you. Namjoon’s happiness. in the past. in a present in another reality. in a future dreamed of by Namjoon. he couldn't move on. in whatever direction Namjoon looked, he only saw you. and it was you he wanted, because you were the one he loved.
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who stops distinguishing reality from dreams. Namjoon could have sworn he woke up next to you — why wasn’t your pillow there? Namjoon could have sworn he heard you calling him from the kitchen — why weren’t you eating breakfast? what witchcraft was happening from the moment he opened his eyes? why did all of your essence still travel through Namjoon’s house when you weren’t there? did you go back to him? just for one night? no. he didn’t remember having you in his arms. he would remember it perfectly if you had returned to his arms. so how did he hear your voice asking for help making the bed? what was happening to Namjoon? how did he le—
EX-BOYFRIEND!NAMJOON who knows he’s not worthy of being loved, but still hopes to see you again just to be proven wrong.
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