Chapter Fourteen: The Way I Loved You- part two
A/N: I can't believe I am saying this... BUT I'M BACK!!!! My mental health was terrible these last few months and I couldn't write a single word, but I'm finally here to continue this story I love so much with the characters I love the most! I'm so sorry for the wait... Have a good reading ♡ And I'm also writing a book so things have been reaaally hard
TW: Eating disorder, PTSD
In the bar, Rooster was worried, you told the crew that you would be at Hard Deck by night, but you were nowhere to be found. What happened to you?
“What's wrong, Rooster?”, Penny's voice sounded so distant but when he looked up from his beer she was in front of him, on the other side of the counter.
“It's nothing, Penny, I'm fine”, he wasn't convincing at all. Penny raised an eyebrow. “I'm just… thinking”.
“Maybe that's the problem, don't you think?”.
“Well…”, she took a deep breath and a soft smile appeared on her lips, “I have known you since you were just a kid, Bradley, and since then you always think too much”.
“Stop thinking”, a smart smirk appeared on her lips, turns out Penny can read minds, Rooster thought.
“That's the same thing Maverick keeps saying to me since we started the training”, he let out a sharp breath and looked at the beer in his hand.
"And at the same time… The more you think, the more you keep staying for last”, Hangman’s voice emerged from his right side, like a demon emerging from the dark abyss of hell, Rooster liked that description too.
The blonde man sat next to him with his drink in hand.
“Fuck off, Hangman. I'm not in the mood for this little game right now”.
Penny looked from one man to the other, and snorted, shaking her head.
“You two never change”, she turned around to talk with another client that was waving at her with some dollars in his hand.
"Do you know where Hawks is?”, Rooster asked him with an annoyed tone, he hated to discuss about you with Hangman.
“Well… if you don’t know, why do you think I do?’.
“Wow, you really are a good friend" Rooster rolled his eyes, "I just asked you a question, man. Don't need to get defensive”. Rooster raised his arms in the air, ironically.
“I'm not getting defensive”, Hangman frowned, clearly getting defensive.
“Sure not”, Rooster said, impatiently. He stood up, wanting to leave Hangman alone, but something burned inside of him, something that had been stuck in his mind for a long time, and he couldn’t keep quiet anymore.
He turned just to face Hangman again, and then, he spoke.
“You know, Jake, sometimes I think you have the capacity to be a decent human being, but then, in a second, you can be the worst jerk I have ever known. If you keep acting like this you’ll just end up-”.
“Alone?”, Hangman cut him off with an ironic tone, like he didn’t even care about what Bradley was saying, maybe he didn't. “I can deal with that”.
“No, you can’t”, Jake opened his mouth to argue, but Rooster continued, “You love to be in the spotlight, have all the eyes on you. And I am sure, if you keep acting like this, neither the ones that follow you will still be by your side”.
Bradley put the money on the counter and left the bar, outside he ran his fingers through his hair, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he hated being anxious, his hands felt sweaty and his breath was difficult to control, but after what he said to Jake it was impossible to be calm.
He closed his eyes, storming out wasn’t the best way to solve things, no one had ever stormed out with him, not even Maverick, actually, he had stormed out with the old man days before, god, this mission was putting too much pressure on him.
Looking at the sea he took a deep breath, calming down, he wanted to meet you, and talk to you. During the day you two briefly talked, and the truth is he was missing you, these three weeks felt like months to him.
“I left her”, Jake called Bradley from behind, and he turned to face the man, "Hawks needed me, and I left her, I’m sorry".
Jake told Bradley everything, since the first day he met you at the party and his conflicting feelings about the inconsistent relationship you two had. When he felt like he could tell you about his past, and how much of a coward he was when he left you alone at the base because he couldn't face you.
Bradley heard with attention at Jake's words, and he felt his heart beating faster in his chest. That Jaws was the ex you briefly mentioned, with an uncomfortable behavior and height fulfilling your words. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. If that guy showed up near him he would regret every finger he touched you with.
Hangman never talked like that, like he cared about anything other than himself and at that brief moment Rooster noticed that the man had a heart.
After finishing, Jake waited to hear Rooster’s words, but Bradley stayed silent, facing him with worried eyes. Hagman looked at the sand on his shoes, shook his head with a deep breath, and, one more time, left someone he cared about alone because he could never admit to himself that he truly cared, he wasn’t raised to be like that.
Bradley watched as Jake disappeared inside Hard Deck, like the conversation they both had didn’t occur, he closed his eyes, the knot he felt in his throat was too much. When he felt the tears in his eyes he felt guilty.
Guilty for not being able to help you.
Guilty for not being able to make amends with Maverick.
Guilty because he was not good as his father.
“Rooster?”, he didn’t turn, he wasn’t trusting his mind at that moment.
“Rooster? Are you okay?”, when he felt your fingers touching his shoulder he turned to you, just to find your beautiful shining eyes staring back at him, and he started to feel less tense, but the tears that accumulated in his eyes dropped down his cheeks, and your expression changed in less than a second. “Bradley? What happened?”.
You were dressing a huge yellow shirt and black jeans, but no matter what you were wearing you were always stunning to him, he was speechless.
With the lack of response, you just said…
And that was everything he needed to hear.
“So you’re telling me that Hangman said the word 'sorry' two times on the same day, that must be a sign, right?”, I said as I sliced the pie, Rooster’s eyes followed every movement I made like he was admiring a painting.
"A sign of what?", Rooster didn’t explain why he was alone crying at the beach to me, he just followed me to my house with a shy smile on his lips, and if there was a word that could not define Bradley, that word was "shy".
"You tell me, Bradshaw. I feel that-"
"Wait, wait, wait… Bradshaw?", Rooster asks while I give him a plate with a huge slice of the pie, looking up at me, I just stood in front of him, staring at his confused expression. "You only call me Bradshaw when you are worried or tense. Why are you worried, darling?".
The way he said the word ‘darling’ made my heart melt, and I couldn’t answer him, I just got lost in his eyes.
“Hey”, he touched my arm with just the tip of his fingers, sending little shivers through my body, “Why are you so tense?”.
I just shook my head, avoiding the bad thoughts from my mind, well, I was trying to avoid them. I sat in front of him, my gaze avoiding his, I was afraid of telling him about the terrible feeling that was growing in my heart, and in my head.
“Hawks, what’s going on? We barely talked today, are you sure you have nothing to tell me?”.
“It’s just a feeling, don’t worry, Rooster”.
“Don’t do this with me”, I finally looked him in the eyes, and instead of the worried gaze from before I stared at a serious expression, that I wasn’t expecting. Bradley’s eyebrows were almost touching, his mouth was a thin line, and his jaw was tenser than I have ever seen.
“Is it about the mission?”.
I held my breath. I knew how important the mission was to him, it wasn’t just another medal, it was a matter of honor, a way to prove to Maverick, to prove to himself that he deserved to be with the Navy. I knew he wanted to be team leader, and I also knew that he couldn’t be because Maverick already was.
“Maverick is going to be team leader, Admiral Cyclone made the choice”.
I knew how that sounded to him.
You’re not as good as Maverick.
Rooster bit the inside of his cheek, staring at the pie in front of him. I looked at my plate, I didn’t feel hungry, the only thing I felt was emptiness. And the walls that I have been struggling to bring down, started to rise from the ashes. Suddenly I felt small in my own mind, I felt small at my own house.
“Well”, Rooster started, “after what he did today, I wouldn’t expect less than this. He deserves it”, his tone wasn’t bitter, or angry, he sounded conformed. He looked into my eyes, his shoulders less tense, “Why were you so worried about this?”.
Because there’s more, I thought, taking a deep breath.
“Is it-”, Rooster hesitated, biting his bottom lip before speaking, “Because you saw him, isn’t it?”.
My eyes grew wide with his words, I felt my mouth dry.
I hugged my arms, trying to stay present in the conversation, my hands felt cold against my exposed skin. When I tried to speak, only a small sound came out, so I took another deep breath, I couldn’t do this anymore.
The way Jaws spoke about my scars like they meant nothing made my darkest thoughts appear again, making me question myself again and again.
“I’m sorry, Bradley”, I felt the tears coming and I knew I couldn’t stop them. “I’m so sorry ”.
In a blink of an eye, Bradley was kneeling in front of me, one hand resting on my knee, the other trying to brush away the hair that was falling over my face. He whispered my name but I didn’t have the courage to look him in the eyes.
“Hey, look at me”, he gently put a finger under my chin, “please, darlin’ ”.
“I’m sorry Bradley, I thought- I thought I could move on with my life but-”.
“Hawks, you don’t need to be sorry. I won’t pressure you”.
“I know, Brad, you have no idea what this means to me. But there’s one more thing”.
“Go on”, he caressed my knee encouraging me to continue.
“Cyclone wanted me to be Maverick’s wingman", Rooster's eyes went wide with anticipation.
“And I- I said no, and left the room”.
I could still hear Maverick calling my name from behind, but I didn’t look back, I didn’t turn, I had no doubt, I wasn’t ready for that. No matter what, the motivational speech, the comforting words, it wasn’t enough to make me feel ready to be inside a jet again.
I wasn’t fully healed yet, it takes time to live together with your traumas without having a panic attack, but for some reason, Cyclone didn’t understand in that way. But working with this type of people is hard, either you do what they ask you or you’re out.
And I have no doubt anymore, that was the final straw, I was out after this mission, and finally, my escape plan was about to begin.
“I’m not ready, Bradley. It seems like the more I try to overcome everything, the more things appear to bring me down again, I can’t”.
“Hawks, you will not like what I’m about to say, but, I’m going to say it”, Rooster’s hand disappeared from my chin and he stood up, “You’re wrong if you think that the solution is ‘overcome’ what happened with you. And I don’t think Cyclone is wrong for asking you to be Maverick’s wingman”.
Rooster was right. I didn’t like what he said.
“Really? You really think he cares?”, I said with an ironic tone.
“That’s not possible, Rooster. That guy doesn’t care about us”.
Rooster put his hands on his waist looked at the ground and continued.
“I think he believes in you, he trusts you, Hawks. He trusts you enough to ask you to be part of the operation. Why can’t you see this?”.
“Because I know that if I get in that jet this mission will end up the same way my old one did”, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes.
“That’s not true, Hawks. He wants you in this mission because he believes in you, he is our Admiral for a reason, and-”, Rooster stopped talking and closed his eyes, his jaw twitching like he was deciding what to say.
“You know you’re not responsible for what happened”.
"You may believe that, but this isn't true, Hawks. If I was your wingman, Hawks, I would follow you anywhere because I trust you, like your crew did, and like our friends do".
A deep and deadly silence filled out the room, I just stared at him with my hands closed at my sides, the nails piercing my skin, I could feel the pain but I didn’t care. I couldn’t look into his eyes anymore.
“I think you should leave”.
Rooster frowned, he looked offended and mad at the same time.
“You’re crazy if you think I’ll leave you alone after this, Hawks”.
“I’m not asking, Rooster”.
“Bradley, I just wanna be alone and I can’t think straight when you’re fucking around. I know you're trying to help me but I just need sometime to think”.
Rooster walked towards me and stood dangerously close, I could feel his warm presence too close, too tempting, I looked up, staring at his honey eyes. I was still mad at him, but what he said…
Since the first day we met, Bradley only wanted to make me feel better and help me. When I cried he was there to hold me, when he cried I was there to listen to him and help him. He wasn’t attacking me with his words, he was trying to make me see what was really happening around me, trying to help me see beyond my pain and distrust in people around me.
I took a deep breath calming down just like him.
“You won’t do anything stupid, will you, darlin?”, he said with a smirk,
“Only the normal amount of stupidity”, I smiled at him, a shy smile, but still a real one.
I saw Rooster’s eyes shining when I smiled, his cheeks got redder than mine. He shook his head and put a hot hand on my waist, bringing me closer to him.
“Fuck it . I can’t resist your smile”.
Gently Bradley put his lips against my left cheek, leaving a quick kiss, and then his lips were on the corner of my mouth and I felt my heart racing, and my cheeks warming faster than ever. He repeated the kisses on the right side of my face, I felt butterflies flying in my stomach.
“I’ll save the rest for after the mission”, he said and kissed the tip of my nose, “I’m leaving now”.
“I’m not so sure if I want you to leave now”, I said, holding a laugh.
“Oh, is that so?”, he leaned forward but then kissed my forehead, “I’m kidding, sweetheart. If you need me you know where I am at”.
A/N: Thanks for reading!!! See you soon, and thanks for all the love again, I missed writing Icarus so much<3
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