Lizzie2314

I’m trying to lose weight, but I have no one to talk to. This is me, screaming into the void.

[lizzie2314]

friendly reminder that sometimes our brains are our worst enemies.

sometimes when i get really stressed or anxious, my brain makes me feel like i have an ant crawling on my arm or leg or eyelid or all of the above.

there is no ant. i feel the ant crawling. i check my leg or arm and rub at my eyes. there never is any ant. but it feels like there is.

i used to freak out and just believe there was an ant, until one day i had scratched at my skin enough and wondered if maybe my brain was tricking me. that led me to the idea that maybe i just needed to trick my brain like my brain was tricking me.

my brain kept wanting me to doubt and to check. and checking made me do it more. so what if i told myself there was no ant enough times until i believed it?

Well the sensation remains, until i tell myself “it’s okay, i don’t need to check, there is no ant there” and then start looking after i tell myself instead of before. it makes it easier, because i’m not checking something because im doubting myself anymore, i’m confirming something i already know is true.

“there is no ant.”

[lizzie2314]

does anyone else have this weird relationship with food predicated on a different understanding of hunger?

i tend to order out and then pass on leftovers to friends. one friend gets the leftovers a lot because we’re neighbors, and whenever i ask her if she wants it, she always asks me “are you gonna eat it?”

and every time i say “no,” i have to bite back my instinctual response because then i know she won’t take it and i’ll put it in my fridge and eat all of it

my actual answer is “yes,” but not because i’m hungry. i’ll eat it because it’s there and i want it and i love food and the sad reality is that you could ask me “are you gonna eat it” to every piece of food i have and the answer is yes, even when i’m full.

it’s also really awkward when i offer people food and then also finish the entire plate, sometimes i get “wow, you were really hungry, how come you offered me some!” and the truth is, i wasn’t hungry. i mean i was probably, initially, but when i was at a heavier weight i started to realize that i ate because i ate.

i offer people food because in all likelihood i can and i will finish all the food on my plate if i don’t otherwise, and it’s not that i don’t want to but that i’ve eaten like that my whole life, it’s just impossible to start.

i don’t know why i am like this, but i am. i just don’t understand questions like “are you gonna eat it,” because i guess i’m not trying to solve a hunger, but removing a temptation and most people don’t see food like that at all.

[lizzie2314]

I’m at a point in my weight loss journey where I’ve been met with some disappointment. It’s been all-consuming, and I’m equally as angry as I am sad.

I’ve lost weight, over 50 pounds in eight months, and yet, my health is still not where I thought it would be. I went in for a check-up, received this amazing news, only for it to be followed-up by having to go for further tests.

I want to say to everyone losing weight, be kind to yourself. Health is more than just a number on the scale. I lost weight, I am proud of myself, I feel great, but some aspects of myself are in worse health than before. I don’t know why, I’m working on it, and I’m a lot more than this one “end goal,” but the emotions are real and here.

[lizzie2314]

Realizing how much more noticeable my weight loss has become is really nice. I know I should be doing it for the health, but looking in the mirror and loving how the clothing looks on me is just wonderful.

[lizzie2314]

Anyone else really like plums? They’ve become my go to snack when I want something low calorie, sweet, and high in fiber. The red ones are my favorite, and sometimes eating two takes care of my cravings.

[lizzie2314]

The worst part about trying to lose weight is the constant thinking about food.

Before, it was like an automatic switch.

I’m hungry? Let me go get food.

There’s leftovers or some new snacks in the kitchen? I’m not hungry, but I’d hate to come back later and find it all gone.

The catering at an event looks really good? It’s a special occasion. I’ve never tried the food from this restaurant. It’s free. I won’t do this often.

I’m realizing that before starting my diet, I rationalized why I wanted a specific food and I made getting it acceptable. I had an urge and I fulfilled it and I can’t do that today because now I am aware. I’m counting calories, and I’m already at 5/6 of my daily caloric intake and that slice of pizza will take me to 8/6. It’s so frustrating because food consumed my life before dieting and it’s consuming my life during dieting. I’m working through it, but it makes me want to scream into a pillow.

[lizzie2314]

Whatever evolutionary ancestor cursed me with menstruation needs to be terminated as soon as time travel is discovered. Idc if that means humans end up like platypuses or something, I’m ready to take one for the team as long as this relative is out, Weehawken, dawn, guns drawn.

[lizzie2314]

I haven’t lost enough weight to make a dramatic difference in my appearance, but I have lost enough to lose a bit of it in my face, have some sleeves of jackets fit looser, and move a bit faster.

I noticed last night when a friend I hadn’t seen a while asked me if I got new glasses because my face looked different.

I hadn’t. I just kept quiet that I was losing weight, and it was oddly rewarding so have it be so noticeable.

[lizzie2314]

I can’t emphasize how little I knew about portion sizing. Around noon I wanted some mac and cheese for lunch, and it was a shock realizing how much all the cheesy toppings and butter meant that even a 1/2 cup of mac and cheese could have so many calories.

Full disclosure, I ate the 1/2 cup, because I love eating mac and cheese like that and I’m not about a super restrictive diet, but I got a cup of green beans to chop up and mix in and I logged the calories.

It filled me up and gave me the illusion that I was eating more of the mac and cheese than I was. Using actual measurements is enlightening.

[lizzie2314]

I’ve started counting calories and it’s made me realize how little I was eating for a while, but also how much I can eat in a day. It’s like, when I wasn’t trying, I was deliberately eating less to make up for not counting, but now that I’m counting, it’s a hard limit that I’m up against and it feels so restricting. The moment I go over, even a bit, I know I’ll take it too far.

[lizzie2314]

Lemon bars are god’s gift to the world. I will accept no other challengers. They taste so freaking good. A truckload of calories compared to vegetables or fruit, but so good. I could write an entire ode to lemon bars and their sweet, tangy nature.

The only downside is the nuclear mushroom of powdered sugar that ends up all over me on the very day I decide to wear a black outfit and having to remember to log the calories for a healthy day but you gotta do what you gotta do!!

[lizzie2314]

My biggest problem right now is how much I love food.

I don’t think I eat too much junk food. At least I hope I don’t. As a kid, junk food wasn’t the problem. I stayed away from the sugary snacks and salty treats unless it was a holiday or something, but that didn’t mean I was eating healthy. I ate homemade meals but I ate a lot of them. Coming from a family whose love language was definitely food, and who valued being able to provide enough for all of us to eat, I associated eating as a way to know people cared about me. Whenever I sit down to eat, I don’t see food as food, I see food as caring about myself, and it is, but somehow it evolved into indulging too much.

Whenever I head back home, someone always offers me another serving or some side of something, and it’s always so hard to say no. I want that food and I love the care I see in it, but I hate the relationship its created between me and food. When I sit down and eat a meal, I’m filled with a need to eat the food I love and eat well because it’s ingrained in me to have seconds or thirds.

It’s taking a lot for me to understand how much calories are in everything. But I’m doing it because I need to take accountability of my own health and my relationship with food.

[lizzie2314]

I’m trying to cultivate a healthier mindset about my body. Being skinny shouldn’t be the only time I cam love myself, and I’ve learned from growing up that losing all the weight won’t change how I feel about myself. Today, I wore a pair jean leggings that did nothing to hide my gut, paired with a short denim jacket that some voice in my head told me made me look too bulky. I kept pulling at it, and a part of me still wants to go look at myself in the mirror, but if I let myself do that and try to “fix” it, not only would I have been late for my day, but I would have changed out of these clothes.

I don’t have to or need to do that. I don’t need to constantly check myself in the reflections of other buildings or windows. These clothes fit me and they show off parts of me that I’m not happy with and that I want to change, but they’re still a part of me. I need to accept that first and foremost before I can try to change it.

So, I’m gonna keep this denim jacket and these jeans on because they’re cute and I deserve to wear it. I’m making an effort, and I hope that’s enough.

I love myself.

[cassje]

[lizzie2314]

For me, the first one represents an almost obsessive desire fueled by a desperate need to make change. It’s a good initial motivator, and it still targets a general goal, but I think it’s a response to how unfairly easy it is to over eat and gain weight. I could eat so much in a few weeks and then never to lose it. The second one is where I want to be at, but it requires reprogramming myself. It’s so hard.

[need2bthin4himx]

my motivations to lose weight!!

so i wont compare myself as much to others

so i will be able to always fit cute, small clothes

so i wont worry about my stomach

so people will like me more

so if a boy ever likes me ill be small and dainty for him

so people will be amazed at how small i am

so people wont even believe i can weigh so little

looking cute and thin in pretty dresses!!

summer/warm weather!!

so i can learn to love myself

so i can feel happy

so i will look effortlessly good because of how small i will be

so i can be guys' crushes

so people will admire me

so people will talk to me more

so people will worry about me

so i can be small and fragile

so people might be jealous

revenge on the guy who played w me (bonus!)

and also..

so i can workout without hating it

so i can be less hungry

so i will have more self-control

so i will be more active

so i will look good in photos and videos

I am determined to do this, even if I fail one day, I will get on track the next.

[lizzie2314]

My motivations to lose weight:

So I can stop living my life controlled by my proximity to food and have a healthy relationship with food.

So I can move without always feeling like an elephant in a room full of glass and porcelain.

So I can be healthy, and not worry about what my life will be like after my youth or genetics run out.

So I can stop wondering if being thin will make me happy, and instead create a better definition of health.

So I don’t check myself in the mirror every five seconds before I leave my room and wonder if I look okay or if my stomach is too big.

[lizzie2314]

I started my weight loss journey a few months ago, but because I’m trying to not make a big deal about it, I have no one to talk to, and it’s really lonely. I’m starting this account to just say what I want to say and keep up some accountability with myself. So, hello, void!

My name is Lizzie2314.

My starting weight was 261 pounds and I am 5ft. 4in.

I was referred for weight loss surgery a few months back, but the thought of getting such a huge medical procedure and having its effects follow me for the rest of my life terrified me. I decided to make a change in what I was doing and this is me, making a change.

I’m not sure where this will go, but I want to stay hopeful. My main motivation is to live a healthier lifestyle and get to a point where I can be confident, eat well, and love myself. I guess this Tumblr is also a path to that.

I love myself.