͙͘͡★ GENRE: Domestic/husband Chris, angst, fluff
͙͘͡★ CHARACTERS: Chris, Y/N
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“You've been avoiding me.”
Chris's hands were flat on Y/N's desk, his body suddenly looming over and casting a shadow over her space. His natural musky scent pierced the small bubble she had surrounded herself with, and Y/N's stomach churned with a nauseating combination of both heartwrenching familiarity and anxiety.
“I'm not,” Y/N said softly. She noticed how his hands were deliberately placed in areas where her artwork wasn't scattered around, so he didn't accidentally ruin them, and her chest tightened; a completely automatic body response that she barely even felt. “Just … busy.”
Chris's sigh was heavy and ruffled Y/N's hair like a gentle breeze. “Baby.”
“Christopher,” Y/N acknowledged, shuffling through her papers and not meeting his gaze.
Reaching out, Chris's fingers took a hold of Y/N's chin and tilted her face up to look at him. He immediately saw the lack of sparkle he was so used to seeing in her eyes, and the way they had started to droop at the corners. His face softened at the sight of her, and his thumb slowly caressed her jaw.
“Are you feeling numb again?” Chris asked in a gentle voice.
His question made Y/N's eyes prickle. There was no hiding anything from her husband, no matter how much she wanted to sometimes - he saw everything. She nodded once as her vision blurred.
“Baby … “ Chris cooed, his face crumbling with empathy as he walked around the desk to where she was sitting. He looked into Y/N's face for silent permission before slipping his hands into hers and pulling her up to her feet, his arms curling around her shoulders as he brought her to his chest. His body was warm and his hands were gentle as they rubbed her shoulders and cupped the back of her head, carding through her hair.
For a moment, the horrid prison with emotion proof insulation that had trapped Y/N inside of, seemed to crack. She noticed a flicker of something trying to escape from inside of her, and her eyes feared up all over again.
“I told you that you didn't have to hide this part of yourself from me,” Chris murmured against her head. “I know your head is probably telling you to run, but that's the last thing you should do, yeah? I'm here for you. Always. Whether you can feel it or not.”
Sniffling, Y/N buried her face into her husband's broad chest. In her head, the idea of being held by him had had no positive effect on her like it usually would. If anything, she had felt even further away from him, like a high security metal wall was separating them from each other. But now that she was actually tucked up in his arms and her brain wasn't under the pressure of scrambling to imagine the feeling, her mind stilled. “I don't want to say something that will hurt you.”
“You have my permission to,” Chris smiled. His hand slowly smoothed down her hair in soothing passes. “What do you want to say to me?”
Y/N dug her fingers into his sides. More tears seeped into the soft polo shirt he was wearing, the fabric fragrant against her face. “That I feel like I don't love you anymore. When I think of you, I can't feel anything. And it hurts.”
Chris knew it wasn't her true feelings speaking, and he had heard her say such things before when she felt like this. He'd never hold it against her - yet the painful words said in her sweet voice that he so loved still made his chest clench and his eyes prickle. Chris never wanted to hear her say such things to him and for her to mean them … he was sure it would be the end of him if she did. He tightened his arms around her, pressing a quiet kiss to her temple as she started to speak again.
“I don't want to sound stupid. The same thoughts come to me every single time I'm numb and they make me anxious all over again … like I didn't learn anything from the last time.”
“That's not your fault,” Chris said gently. “You've always had strong emotions. When they suddenly disappear, of course your brain is going to panic even if you've gone through it a million times before.”
He pulled away a fraction and cupped her face, looking into Y/N's eyes with his usual warmth. “We've been through this before. You might be scared, but … I'm not. I know you'll get through this. You always do.”
Sniffling, Y/N looked up at him. “You're not scared even if I feel like I don't love you anymore?”
For some reason, Chris grinned. He started to chuckle, making Y/N's eyes widen.
“If you really didn't love me, I don't think you'd be clinging to me like that,” Chris looked down at where Y/N's fingers were clinging onto the side of his top for dear life. “Your brain might lie to you, but your body and your soul know the truth.”
At that, Y/N felt the tension inside of her release just a touch. She offered her husband a small smile.
She gulped then, brows furrowing. “If I think of you romantically I feel … weird.”
Growing up and living for more than two decades of her life in an extremely toxic environment had done more damage to Y/N than she had realised was even possible. When she had finally moved away and married Chris, the man who first introduced her to a peace and stillness that she had never experienced before, it seemed like her body could finally rest for a brief moment.
And for a while, it had - before all the past memories came crashing down on her for one last final blow. It seemed no amount of healing could shield her entirely; even when she thought she was completely okay, her body sometimes shut down completely when it thought the feelings she was experiencing were too strong, whether they be negative or positive ones. It was becoming a less frequent occurrence now that she was far away from the source of her pain. But from time to time, her battered nervous system couldn't handle it, and it still filtered out the things that meant the most to her as a way to protect her from her own self.
Since Chris was the one person in the world that she loved more than anything and felt the most for, it meant he was the first one her body shut out.
And there was nothing more terrifying and nausea-inducing than looking into his beautiful face that usually brought her so much comfort, and feel absolutely nothing.
“So don't,” Chris said gently, his fingers brushing her hair away from her face. “Think of us as just friends instead.
“I mean … we've always been best friends before anything, right? That hasn't changed.”
Y/N nodded, her smile becoming warmer.
Chris's eyes filled with mirth and he leaned closer to her. “Aight, bro?”
Y/N burst into soft giggles, her cheeks flushing with colour. She sat back down in her chair as Chris chuckled after her, and he dropped a lingering kiss to the crown of her head before walking back to the other side of the desk.
“That was a friendly kiss,” he added, pointing at her. “I'm going to go make you a coffee. Whaddya fancy? Hot or cold?”
Eyes lighting up at the mention of coffee, Y/N rested her chin on her hand. “Mmm … hot?”
Chris raised an eyebrow. “You sure? You don't sound sure.”
“I'm sure,” Y/N smiled softly.
Perhaps the hot beverage would help thaw the stubborn wall inside of her.
“‘Kay,” Chris tapped his fingers on the doorframe as he walked half out of his wife's studio. He looked at her over his shoulder with mischief painted all over his face. “Love you. Platonically.”
Giggling under her breath as Chris left the room, Y/N sighed a little and pulled herself towards her work again. But her mind was still focused on her feelings - or lack of them.
She had to admit, imagining her husband as nothing more than a close friend did a lot to ease the heaviness on her chest. She was guilty of forgetting love was an emotion just like anything else - sometimes, it could disappear, but it didn't mean she adored the man she shared a life with any less.
Leaning back in her chair, Y/N swung around a little, turning to look through the large window behind her. She was so lost in admiring the way the early afternoon sunshine spilled across the blades of grass that she didn't realise her husband had returned until she heard a soft thump of ceramic hitting her desk.
She looked up again, seeing Chris smiling fondly at her as he placed a mug of sweet smelling coffee in front of her. “A coffee for the bro,” he said with a wide grin.
Y/N started to giggle. “I'm the one who usually calls you bro … this feels weird.”
“Yeah and I told you to stop calling me that,” Chris rolled his eyes dramatically up to the ceiling. “You can call me baby, or babe, or love, or love of my life, or apple of my eye, or - “
“ - Or pain in my ass,” Y/N muttered, her eyes glinting with faint mischief.
“Absolutely not, that's not on the list,” Chris said. “No bro, and no pain in your ass.”
“But I like calling you bro,” Y/N pouted as she picked her coffee up. “Besides. Didn't you say I should think of you as a friend today?”
Chris's lips twitched. He wagged his finger at her. “Fine. Bro pass for today only.”
“Thanks bro,” Y/N grinned cheerfully and took a slow sip of her coffee. She sighed in bliss, the creaminess of the steamed milk feeling like a hug for her insides. “Thanks. For the coffee.”
Chris brushed away her gratitude with a dramatic wave of his hand, making Y/N smile around the rim of her mug. “Aight. Ima leave you for a bit. Unless … you want me to stay?”
Y/N looked at him with softening eyes. “What are you going to do?”
“Dunno,” Chris shrugged. “Maybe watch something.” He cocked his head to the side, observing the way the very tops of Y/N's eyebrows raised a fraction. He smiled to himself; she was still there, even if she didn't feel like it. “Wanna join me?”
Chewing on her lower lip, Y/N gazed at her husband for a while before nodding slowly. She watched as Chris extended his hand out to her from the doorway, and she gulped back a lump forming in her throat as she got up from her cushioned seat, bringing her mug with her.
She slipped her fingers into Chris's, and he immediately folded them up in his warm grip, his lips delivering an affectionate kiss to the back of her hand before he led her out of her studio and down the wide hallway into their main living area.
Y/N watched Chris sit down on the sofa, and the way he patted the space next to him as he reached for the remote. She gripped her coffee close and sat beside him, and he didn't push to constantly commentate as they watched the TV, nor cuddle her the way he usually did. Instead, his arm rested on the back of the sofa, his fingers very lightly toying with Y/N's hair as they watched a movie together, so light that she almost didn’t feel it. Just enough to remind her that he was close by if she needed him.
After a while, Y/N pulled her legs up beside her and slowly shuffled to lay her head down in her husband's lap. Sometimes when she was feeling this way, the sight of Chris's beautiful face was too much for her nervous system to handle; almost like his face set off alarm bells in her brain because it meant too much for her, and the thing she loved the most was used against her. But for some reason, hearing his voice or smelling his warm scent or just feeling him never had that anxiety inducing effect on her. If anything, it was the opposite; laying her head in his lap seemed to act as a balm for her soul, and she instantly felt her breaths even out.
Chris's hand gently smoothed its way through his wife's hair, his gaze secretly on her instead of the TV. He wished he could break through that resentful wall that took his wife away from him every now and then; he wished she didn't have to still feel the aftermath of the destruction she was exposed to all those years ago. But he couldn't do anything about either of those things, and as a man who prided himself on fixing everything, it quietly drove him insane.
He leaned down and carefully pressed a kiss to Y/N's temple, and then to her cheek, and to the soft skin behind her ear. “You know I love you, right?” He said in a quiet voice.
Chris's words rumbled like calm ocean waves through Y/N's back, and her eyes prickled. Did she know that? She couldn't feel it in her … but logically she thought he must do, otherwise he wouldn't be here with her the way he was. She focused on how careful his fingers danced along her shoulder; no amount of pretence could ever replicate the sheer affection that dripped from his touch alone.
She sniffled against his warm thigh, blinking back her tears. “As friends?” She joked in a hoarse voice.
Chris's laugh was silent, shaking his body. “Yeah. Always. Amongst other things.”
Y/N smiled, and she turned her face to kiss his knee. “Yeah,” she whispered. “I know.”
He squeezed her hand softly. She squeezed it back, and Chris's other hand patted the top of her head, his fingers massaging her scalp in slow sweeps.
“Go to sleep,” he hummed. “You need rest.”
“No buts. You know you'll feel better afterwards.”
He was right. She always felt a little lighter after sleeping extra on days such as this one. She nodded slowly, and let her eyes fall shut, focusing on the way Chris's fingers soothed her all the way into her dreams.
When Y/N woke, the morning sunlight had turned into late afternoon sunshine, spilling in deep gold waves against the floorboards. Chris was gone, a fluffed up pillow beneath her cheek in place of his strong thighs. Eyebrows furrowed, Y/N sat up a little, rubbing her eyes and looking around, just as Chris came around the sofa and set a large tray on the coffee table in front of her.
“You're awake,” Chris flashed his dimpled grin at her. “Good morning.”
“Nah. You were passed out for five hours.”
Y/N's eyes widened and Chris chuckled, leaning in to caress her head and kiss her forehead. “Relax. You deserved it. Feel any better?”
In response, Y/N reached out and curled her fingers into the front of his top, stopping him from pulling away. Chris looked down at her, hand still cupping the back of her head.
His lips twitched up into a little smirk. “What do you want, baby?”
Y/N flushed. “More forehead kisses.”
Chuckling, Chris sat down beside her and did just that. He peppered her forehead with tender kisses before Y/N sniffled and buried her face into the crook of his neck, clinging onto him for dear life.
“Hey … what's wrong?” Chris breathed against the top of her head. “You okay?”
She nodded and tightened her arms around him. She didn't respond verbally, just clung to her husband, and Chris returned the embrace for as long as she needed, his kisses showering all over her.
When Y/N pulled away again, her eyes landed on the tray on the table and she gaped at the still steaming bowls. “You … “
Chris chuckled, ears turning pink. “Thought you needed a bit of cheering up.”
“You made all of this? Just now?” She wondered aloud, eyes blurring again at the sight of her favourite food.
“Well, yeah … you slept for ages,” Chris teased.
Y/N scowled and swatted at his arm. It made Chris chuckle.
“There she is,” he winked. “Little rascal.”
“Shut up,” Y/N muttered, rolling her eyes. And then she dived right back into her husband's arms, squeezing him tight in a silent thank you.
Beaming from ear to ear with her reaction, Chris patted her head. “C'mon. I'll feed you.”
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