bizarre

personal and health blog. diagnosed schizophrenic, adhd. 22. [That icon has been in my phone for years and I don't remember where I got it - let me know if you do so I can credit them.]

[fridakhalto-deactivated20160825]

If you could pick an academic field to study out of sheer interest and not the bludgeoning despair of trying to survive capitalism, what would it be? I’d definitely definitely!! do astrophysics.

[prettyperfectdoll]

history which is what I’m doing bc I couldnt not do it, my consciousness would not allow it BUT!!! I’d take my time and do it as I please, without such a high pressure to have it done quick to move to my masters and doctorate and phd in a jiff.

[lllferry]

No capitalism and no mental illness..

Botany 😊 Environmental Studies 😇 Geology

[loafed-beans-deactivated2020082]

[lllferry]

You know what's some bullshit?

I take my medicine every single day!! I shouldn't be slipping like this.. It's not fair. What do I take All Of This Seroquel for if it doesn't ALWAYS work?

[benbeoutthere-deactivated202311]

unfortunately meds only help lessen it. Schizo is something you cant get rid of, only weaken. Dont stop taking them tho. They are helpful. They just arent the cure. There is none. 

[lllferry]

I know - I won't. It's just frustrating.

[lllferry]

What's wrong with me? Why can't I keep a job? I thought I was doing really well...

[anxietyproblem]

[lllferry]

Yeah while aggression and agitation can be a part of the behavioral symptoms of schizophernia I really can't say for sure if it's a part of a mood disorder as well since I'm still learning more about my schizoaffective bipolar disorder. I understand about getting irritated and angry for no reason so If it helps maybe try keeping a mood journal for now to watch for triggers and if your able to, try and talk to a psychiatrist more about this

Firstly, thanks so much for responding. I appreciate you taking the time to.

I don't actually see a psychiatrist or therapist right now. I just have a nurse practitioner I talk to. He does want me to see one but last time I tried looking around, I got a lot of concerning responses like "I don't work with schizophrenics" and "I'd love to work with a schizophrenic patient. I think I can cure you through positive affirmation and a better diet. Let's do twice a week." I could always try again, but that freaked me out enough to not want to see anyone tbh.

Recording what makes me upset is a wonderful idea. I'm also laughing at the thought of staring some customer in the face while I pull out a little book and write "this bitch" in it.

It's really difficult for me to gauge my and the people around me's emotions, which is frustrating. I feel like it's a really strong response but I can't accurately tell.

[lllferry]

Update on this:

I paid close attention to my triggers, like you suggested, and it wasn't very easy. Getting worked up makes it hard to think clearly, but I was able to notice a trend and that was definitely my environment.

I've really taken a look at my life and my priorities. I've decided to pull away from any stressors and triggers entirely. I got a new job, dropped some friends, and I'm picking up some new routines and a better schedule. So far, it's still early. And I feel like I get pissed off out of habit, but it's been easier to calm down.

Also! My new job (previous post) is very physically demanding so I don't feel like there's a lot of excess energy I have to deal with. The urge to stim - violently or otherwise - feels lessened even.

Again, I really appreciate your reply. I just wanted you to know that it was taken to heart and I've been making an effort to be happier since.

[lllferry]

So being a manager is so stressful.

I spent every day going from one catastrophe to the next disaster, cleaning up messes, getting screamed at, doing every single role in the store ALONE for 3/4th of a day because there was never enough labor allocated for me to have help, constantly checking over what little help I did have because previous managers beat them into learned helplessness, getting called in every day off, you get the idea.. All while making shit for money. I was "good" at it. (Give me a break. Never strive to be "good" at managing. It's a fucking joke.)

Anyway, I thought something must be wrong with me. Here I am, high on the ladder, and I couldn't be more miserable. I can't climb back down or I won't be able to pay my bills. I see the ladder continue on above me but it seems worse. More responsibility. More people to look over. More disasters. More more more all the time. It chipped away at my psyche until I was miserable and bitter. I hated customers, coworkers, upper management, myself. Everything was terrible.

I switch locations. Switch companies. Desperate to change something but it's not happening. Everywhere is the same. Kitchens and retail are all the same. I have to get out.

I decide to apply for every single thing. I don't care about the wage, or the position, or the industry, or qualifications. Everyone got my resume.

You know who called me back? A greenhouse a few towns over. The guy who owns it doesn't mind that I don't have experience. He's willing to teach me everything - from potting to light secretary work and a tentative 'maybe more, later'. It's a steady schedule - same time everyday. You other mentally unwell folks know exactly why I'm thrilled about that. I'm already sold and then he slaps on a $2p/hr more to seal the deal.

I quit immediately. I don't even wait an hour after finishing paperwork to text "I quit" to my supervisors.

At the greenhouse, I feel a little out of place. It's completely a new experience and the people around me are so different. It's exciting! I'm determined to fit in. The work is exhausting and requires so much activity. I got a little bit sunburnt, I'll admit. But I feel at ease, for once in a long time. It's refreshing. And working hard out in the sunshine feels good and right. It's sits well in my soul. Maybe I was meant to be a farmer, way far away from spoiled customers and the modern speedy lifestyle. It reminds me of that theory that autistic people never seemed so obvious before because they were in environments where they were stable and without an overload of stress.

I hope it lasts.

[eregyrn-falls]

I thought there might be a lot of other people who would benefit from reading this, too.

(Original tweet.)

[marypickfords]

Lake Mungo (Joel Anderson, 2008)

[red6113]

REVENGE ANGER

FEAR REGRET

[toofemmetofunction]

[lllferry]

I got my meds and slept for 20 hours straight lmao

[fdggvbjdhb]

[boethiah]

when you successfully resist a self-destructive impulse

[lllferry]

I haven't slept in almost 4 days because of withdrawals.

I blacked out for 2 hours Monday night. Last night, I blacked out again for an hour but my brain went fucking crazy because of it. I don't know whether or not to call it dreams or hallucinations because I was fully aware of myself and because I had blacked out, I couldn't move. The world changed around me and became a horrific place. I was more terrified than I've been in a long time. It only lasted an hour because I got so scared that I started sobbing - but that didn't bring me out of it. I stayed blacked out. I kicked my leg through grit and tears and effort and my wife was right there. In the dream/hallucination state, she was gone. Feeling her by my leg was so much relief. She grabbed me and shook me back to consciousness and held me while I cried. I couldn't explain what I had just gone through. She told me I needed to sleep. Yeah, I wish I could. But I can't. She brought me to the bedroom and laid with me, just softly talking about anything for hours while rubbing my back. She put my cpap on me. Eventually I did fall asleep for 5 whole hours. My wife is my favorite person but these withdrawals might just kill me yet.

[lllferry]

I know a lot of people are dealing with shit from pharmacies right now but I'm going to add to it.

I have my prescriptions on autoorder every 90 days, but I like to be thorough and call when I'm running out anyway. So I called and ordered, verified all my payment info and address - the works. As I always do! - and they tell me it's ordered. It rarely takes longer than a week but with everything going on, I call 2 weeks early.

It doesn't show up after one. Okay, running late. Doesn't show up after two. I'm about to run out! But surely it'll be any day now. Let me call anyway. Nothing. They didn't put the order through. "I'm about to run out." It's extra to have it rush delivered. "You going to drop the charge? Discount it? No? Fine. Rush it here."

Here I am, nearly a week off meds. Withdrawals are so bad I can't barely sit up, much less actually stand. I've slept maybe 5 hours total over 3 days. Obviously, I can't go to work. But the light is at the end of the tunnel! It's supposed to be here tomorrow. Thank the gods.

I get an email.

>Your prescription order was just put in. Shipping label says 5 days.

Now?? 5 MORE days? I'm sobbing. I hurt so bad. I'm so tired. I tell my dad. He calls and yells at them. How long am I supposed to be off of my antipsychotics because the pharmacy won't put the prescription in? "You can order rush shipping." FUCK YOU PRESCRIPTION POSTAL.

My boss says "go to publix and get it..."

I can't 'go to publix to get it'. My insurance won't let me get it from anywhere except prescription postal.

"That doesn't make sense."

No shit, sherlock.

"You should have your medicine."

Yep!!!! I should!!!!!

[spillywolf-deactivated20190920]

If courage isn’t the absence of fear but doing the right thing regardless of it, maybe confidence isn’t the absence of insecurity but knowing you have real worth despite it

[oncemylove-deactivated20180625]

this is beautiful

[randomslasher]

By this same token, maybe goodness isn’t the absence of bad thoughts or impulses, but the conscious choice to behave according to your moral ideals in spite of them.