forgotten

" If I’m lost, then how can I find myself? " |-/

[llnsignificant]

Kung kailan tumanda, tsaka nawalan ng sense ang buhay…

[llnsignificant]

It has been a month…

i had waited for the longest time to see you and be able to talk with you again face to face. It’s not that i don’t want to reach out because trust me, i always do, it’s just that i don’t know what to say, where to start, or if i’m gonna be able to let it all out. I used to say that i would write everything down, from where it started to end until the fallout of everything. I wanted to tell you everything, i had fantasies of that night and how i was able to say everything without crying but in the end, what happened was the exact opposite.

You haven’t change. You still look like the one in my dreams and i all i could think is how i still adore you. i wanted to hug you right away but i know that’s not right and i just wanted to make everything right just this one last time.

Sa totoo lang, ang dami ko pang gusto sabihin sayo that night. Instead, i just ended up crying while saying a bunch of words that i know won’t mean anything to you. The last time i was given a chance to pick you, i’m sorry if I didn’t just because i was afraid, too afraid since i have waited for you to like me back but you also liked my friend too which is why i was skeptical that time if what we had was real or i was just imagining it. Then i saw your message to my best friend six yrs later and all i can do was regret for not giving it a chance just because i was scared.

M, i have loved you and adored you for the longest time now. Sobrang takot akong aminin sa sarili ko yan before sa tuwing nakikita kita pero that is what i feel. But, i am also truly happy that you have found the one for you after all these years. I wish you happiness and peace. I will always treasure what i had with you and remember the chance that i wasted. I’m sorry if i still keep your pictures with me.

I am older now but still not wiser. Time only moves forward and if there would be an opportunity for last time and everything is just right, that all odds are in our favor, i wanna make sure i won’t waste that chance. kung bibigyan man ako uli ng chance, ikaw ang pipiliin ko kung pipiliin mo rin ako.

[llnsignificant]

fallingforyou //

[llnsignificant]

020223.

reinstalled this app again. felt like having alt twttr is not enough for me to vent. Maybe i should find another therapist but that is not my priority now so hello again…

[llnsignificant]

012322.

My dream felt so real.

The pain and love i felt in that dream is real. Sobrang linaw ng face mo sa panaginip ko and yet pag gising ko i cant even recall your face. I just cried last night before sleeping, pero nawala yung pain nung nakasama kita sa panaginip. ang sobrang familiar ng feeling, yung serenity, yung happiness, yung love… parang ayokong matapos yung dream at mawala ka uli. Kahit sa panaginip i am well aware that you are not mine pero i felt peace. We said our goodbyes and i know that was it, i felt like didn’t want to wake up and lose you again. I wish i didn’t lose you but my heart and mind knows that you were never mine in the first place….

Kung ano yun lungkot at iyak ko bago matulog, nabawi at naulit uli ngayong pag gising… maybe someday i’ll feel that kind of love, peace and genuine happiness na di pinilit at totoo.

[llnsignificant]

You still haunt my dreams sometimes. The last time i dreamt about you, i was happy. Nagchat ka pa, only to see na you want me to finally let you go in my heart. Even in my dream, i didn’t know how to respond. You were begging me to forget you, let you go forever and stop thinking about you which was weird even for my dream kasi di rin naman daw tayo nag uusap don. In reality, Even if we are not speaking anymore, kahit na i feel like we are strangers now, i still really don’t know how to let go of you. You were the light i had when i was in a really bad place, at kahit na i distanced myself because i was scared, i still loved you genuinely and admired you from afar like i always did in the past.

Utak ko na nagsasabi sa panaginip ko yung bagay na tinatanggi ko sa sarili ko na need ko na mag let go sa nakaraan kasi wala naman talagang kahit ano, i was just delusional and a coward.

How can i even forget you?

[llnsignificant]

Gigising ng malungkot at mabigat puso, pag minalas breakdown pa sa kalagitnaan trabaho, tapos matutulog ka nalang tatamaan pa ng matinding crying spell. Minsan nakakamiss rin magtake ng happy pills…

[llnsignificant]

Hello, i am here again. I recently applied for study abroad. Hopefully, i will pass this time. I still remember how painful the rejection was two years ago. How i did everything i could just so i could pass that time but it was not the right time for me. June 2019 was hard but here i am trying again. I really wish this time it would work but i am losing my faith again. I know that if i fail once more, i would just need to try and reapply again but the pain and disappointment i would feel will be a heavier. I prayed for this before and i am still praying for this to come true. Please. Bigay nyo na sakin to.

[llnsignificant]

going to make sure na mapapasa lahat ng requirements this month. sana this time makuha na. wala na kong kinabukasan dito. Ang magagawa ko na lang ay sumubok ng sumubok maka alis lang. I feel so lost.

[llnsignificant]

0301.

Here we go again.

I will always try my best lalo na ngayon makaalis lang ako. I’m really tired, tho i’m not sure kung yung pag alis ba magbibigay sakin ng peace na hinahanap ko. Wala namang masama sumubot paulit ulit para sa pangarap. Pag natupad to, buo uli ng panibagong pangarap, pakonti-konti, basta paabante lang.

Done with my profile for ee, job bank naman next. Di pwedeng mapagod, di pwedeng sukuan ang pangarap.

[llnsignificant]

It’s been a while now and many years passed had already passed, all i can say is ang hirap talaga para sakin mag let go. It can either be an idea, an item, pero worst if it is a person. Akala ko i won’t be using your tag anymore, pero here i am, writing about you again. You were the person i admired and loved for such a long time and being able to retrive my old files sparked my repressed feelings for you.

Tbh, I’m truly happy for you. You deserve everything in the world and more. Sucks that i just read those messages, now everything in my head is messed up again. I know this will pass, but i’m also sure that it will take some time for me to recover again. Hopefully, no relapse.

[llnsignificant]

0220.

So ayun, na trigger na naman ng very very tonight. Kusa na nga skip yung mata ko sa forwarded chat noong una kasi may trauma ko sa ganon tapos pinabasa pa rin sakin, only to find out na apaw na regrets mararamdaman ko.

Proven nga na maaasahan si El sa mga patago, or wag magsabi. Sa lahat ng panahon na pwede nyang ginawa yun, ngayon pang ang light ng triggers ko. Ilang years na lumipas, teh, nasasaktan ka pa rin??? Ayusin na natin desisyon sa buhay haaa???

[llnsignificant]

lost more than ever. I hope someday i’ll find my peace.

[llnsignificant]

I feel like i’m losing myself again. Hoping that this year would be different.

[llnsignificant]

Back on meds.

[llnsignificant]

I feel like i’m relapsing. Akala ko okay na ko kaya tinigil ko gamot ko pero ngayon hirap ako mag adjust sa emotions ko. Ayokong maging dependent sa gamot at pagod na talaga ko unawain sarili ko.

[llnsignificant]

Happy 25th self, panalangin ko lang maging masaya at mapayapa ka na. Di man ngayon, pero sa mga susunod na araw o darating na panahon. Tibayan mo lang sarili mo, ilaban mo sarili mo. Balang araw magiging ayos din ang lahat para sayo.