lollikeabanana

A journal with no lock.

[awwww-cute]

[blackandmildwithgod]

If you scroll pass this you don’t got ten dollars

[apollonne-deactivated20201016]

Need my $10

[apollonne-deactivated20201016]

Guys i literally just got tipped $10 at work

[m1male2]

The Isle of Skye, linked to the northwest coast of Scotland by a bridge, is known for its rugged landscapes, picturesque fishing villages and medieval castles. It is the largest island in the Inner Hebrides archipelago and its coast is dotted with peninsulas and narrow lakes, with a mountainous interior

[lollikeabanana]

I was recording a podcast the other day with a couple and they were answering a question on how do I know what I want from a relationship or what kind of person do I hope to end up with. I always thought I knew what I want but turns out I don't. So they said, write it down. Do a list of what kind of person you'd want your partner to be and what kind of partner you think you are. So here goes I guess.

I hope for someone who:

Will not expect me to be perfect but will always bring out the best in me.

Is comfortable with me enough to be honest and vulnerable about their insecurities. Doesn't keep things to themselves.

Will be there for me especially in my worst times and not tell me that I need to be alone first.

Has enough compassion to not kick me when I'm down.

Capable to work with me and figure things out when times get tough.

Can make decisions without being dismissive or condescending.

I am this person who:

Will drop almost anything the moment you tell me you need me.

Is realistic but will also find the best way to help you achieve your goals.

Values the balance of affection and space.

Will take the utmost care for you physically and emotionally. Too much maybe.

I don't know much about my better qualities, so that's something I most definitely need to work on.

So what can I do with this list? For now I don't think I'll find someone who ticks all the boxes. I don't think I'm supposed to anyway.

It's fine. It's not important.

[lollikeabanana]

It's the moment I lay my head on this pillow in the damn bed. That's when I'm flooded with all these emotions and fears. To fall asleep alone is such a torture these days.

It feels like I'm the last person on earth. Always the last one to close my eyes. My fear is falling into these wonderful dreams only to wake up or never waking up in a perpetual nightmare.

I won't have what other people have. A good night's sleep or someone to hold. Neither is a reality that exists on my side of the earth. Do u really want to sleep or am I having trouble waking up?

Will I ever heal from everything? Am I ever going to just be me again. It's exhausting this fear. It keeps me awake, I'm exhausted.

[candybis-deactivated20140117]

And then Satan said… “Put the alphabet in math”.

[mastercdi-deactivated20240305]

Not again, Satan

[nuggettebunbun]

And then humanity put the greek alphabet in math too.

And even Satan raised an eyebrow and left to study art.

[anxietyproblem]

[lollikeabanana]

As I lay here in bed, feeling sick again, I think my fever is coming back. I'm half worried half hoping that I'm sick enough to be chucked into the hospital.

See, the source of my Idk depression I suppose is very narcissistic. I want terribly for someone or everyone to just care about me. But I've found that it's becoming increasingly difficult to believe people when they say they care. It almost feel like they are because they simply have to.

A friend may drop a text once in a while and ask how I'm doing. I know you don't really want to know how I'm doing. You think you have to ask me how I am because of how much I complain about my shit where it's visible to you. That's not the point though. I know for a fact when I'm not on a tweet vom you don't ask me how I am. Because if I'm okay you don't have to convince me that someone cares about my wellbeing.

I don't understand these sloganneers on Twitter who are out there just tweeting good vibes. Shouting into a void telling absolutely noone directly that they are loved, someone cares for them, they matter. I think it's a lot of bullshit. That doesn't mean anything. Think if there was really someone who needed to hear that wouldn't it actually mean something if you talked to them instead of these good vibes messages into the virtual void of empty tweets. Reblog this so someone who needs to hear this can read this. Fuck off, you've got friends or know people in trouble. TALK TO THEM. See you retweet quotes and shit just makes it easier to build a wall.

Again, only doing it because you think it's what you're supposed to do. Not because you want to or if you really cared about someone. Because you're scared of the consequences of not being that nice person who is "always there for you". You won't always be there. I'm just a moral checkbox you need to tick once in a while.

I want to mean something enough to certain people that if I got admitted to the hospital they'd come visit me. And I have been in the hospital before, not one of you who promised to be there came.

[4nn4v4l]

[lollikeabanana]

2018 Recap

CONS

I was betrothed while I was still with my boyfriend at the time.

I broke up my betrothal and my boyfriend.

The most fucked up birthday I could have every asked for.

Left two jobs.

Had multiple breakdowns, fought with my parents so much. Our relationship has never been worse.

I’m 27 and still have a 10pm curfew.

Succumbed to self harm in one of those breakdowns.

I couldn’t find my friends when I needed them.

I lost my two cats. My teacher. Some friendships.

PROS

Went on two holidays.

Freed myself for an abusive relationship and a potentially unfulfilling one.

Finally got the job I wanted.

My parents are still alive, they do not vocalise it but I know they care deeply for me and are worried for my wellbeing. Not exactly a pro but they are here for me.

I didn’t hurt myself anymore. I acknowledged my pains and went to therapy for the first time. Can’t afford to go very often but will try to go again next year when I am able.

I have at least one friend who was there for me through out the year. Made some new ones too.

I reconnected with a cousin I used to greatly dislike after our falling out.

I am healthy. I am alive.

[stimman3000]

youtube.com/watch?v=tc-jMrxgPsw&t=47s

[modernwolfman-deactivated201811]

this is cool but why is it shot like the intro credits of a crime drama

[gallusrostromegalus]

…Dessert,  but shot like Murder.  I think I’ve found my favorite aesthetic ever.

[eyesoftirnoch]

…hell yes.

[toytowns]

CSI: Willy Wonka

[lollikeabanana]

This complex relationship with my mother, I find very hard to understand. I don't know what she wants from me and I don't know how to ask her to tell me.

I love her to death but we hurt each other so much. More often I make it seem like she hurts me more than I do her.

She wants me to meet someone and settle down. Immediately almost. But she doesn't trust me when I'm putting myself out there. She's uncomfortable with the idea of dating or mingling with people before actually making anything official. I don't feel that works for me. As if to say if I'm gonna go out or be friends with a guy I gotta know if I marry them eventually.

A few months ago she again tried to entice me on the idea of meeting a guy through her friends' pool of young adult sons. I can't do that again. She jokes when I talk about my male friends and say things like "I hope that's not your boyfriend 😉" or when I tell her most my friends getting married are guys "Well look at you, you REFUSE to get married."

Somehow this too was my fault.

I do not know what she is hoping to get out from this behavior. Keeping close tabs on me be still pressuring me to sociable, but only to certain people? I don't fucking get it.

She thinks it's as simple as picking a guy and be like okay this one then for the rest of my life.

[great-tweets]

AND NOW I WILL TOO

[californiadreamboy]

My soul is cleansed

[lollikeabanana]

I want to drown in the love I once knew

Before you broke my will

My heart then laid on a platter before you

Now lies in my chest still

Stay pretty like a flower

In its place level to your feet

They will love you like your father

Only until your petals begin to wilt

[lollikeabanana]

I wanna die.

[lollikeabanana]

It's true what they say about parents I think. They're always figuring out how to deal with you. They will always think they know what they're doing and it's right and it's the best for you. Even when it's just down right bad for you. That some things they do may scar you.

But they are your parents, your care takers. And they are always trying. Times like these when you show me that you are in fact capable of compassion and care. Makes me regain abit of my faith in you. Hopefully that will help me regain faith in me as well.

I won't ever deny the things you've done to scar me but I'll always remember to savour and acknowledge your kindness. This keeps my love for you.

[night-yoarrbe]

not to offend anyone but

Infinity War would have ended a lot better if the Avengers had listened to Detective JJ Bittenbinder and used their S T R E E T S M A R T S

[lollikeabanana]

I can't tell anymore if you're being nice,if you're showing you cared, or will there be another turning point for all these kind actions.

I'm scared when you hug and kiss me and tell me you love me. I'm scared you'll use it against me in another day. But it made me feel nice and a little better for that moment when you did those things.

Maybe you meant it and I was just over thinking things.