Untitled

[londonprat]

LA's Bold New Approach to Homelessness

LA's Bold New Approach to Homelessness: The Invisible Infrastructure Strategy City Officials Announce Revolutionary "Schrodinger's Housing Solution" — Homes That Both Exist and Don't Exist Until Audited LOS ANGELES — In a stunning display of creative problem-solving that would make quantum physicists weep with envy, city officials unveiled their latest initiative to address homelessness in LA: the Invisible Infrastructure Housing Initiative, or what insiders are calling "the budgetary approach where we talk about solutions for so long that people forget they were never actually built." "We've analyzed homelessness in LA from every possible angle," announced Deputy Director of Theoretical Housing Solutions Marcus Wellington III at a press conference held in a building that technically doesn't count as a public meeting because the air conditioning broke in 2019. "Our conclusion? We need to think bigger. Or rather, think smaller. Or possibly think in a direction that hasn't been invented yet." The Genius of Doing Nothing While Appearing Busy According to the LA Times, the city currently spends approximately $1.2 billion annually addressing homelessness—a figure that becomes far less impressive when you realize it's distributed across so many committees, task forces, and "stakeholder engagement initiatives" that individual programs receive roughly the same funding as a mid-size burrito stand. The new strategy, however, takes a different approach entirely. Rather than actually building housing, the city will instead commission extensive studies about why housing should be built, followed by focus groups to discuss the studies, followed by more studies about the focus groups. By the time anyone realizes nothing has been constructed, the current administration will have moved on to blaming the previous administration. "We've learned from the best," Wellington continued, gesturing toward a PowerPoint presentation that had apparently achieved sentience and was now questioning its own existence. "If you can't house people, at least provide them with the comfort of knowing that very important people are thinking about housing them. It's called strategic optimism." The Invisible Hand of the Market (And Everything Else) The plan draws inspiration from what officials are calling "the Nordstrom model"—a reference to the now-defunct department store that occupied prime real estate on Hollywood Boulevard while simultaneously achieving the remarkable feat of being mostly empty inside. LA, they argue, should follow suit by creating high-visibility projects that generate headlines without requiring any actual outcomes. One particularly innovative proposal suggests converting unused freeway overpasses into "transitional meditation spaces," where unhoused individuals can contemplate their economic circumstances while traffic exhaust circulates at optimum velocity. "It's called a lived experience journey," explained Dr. Felicity Chambers, Director of Homelessness Linguistics at the Institute for Bureaucratic Excellence. "We're not solving homelessness; we're reframing it as a temporary condition of philosophical depth." When asked why actual housing construction wasn't prioritized, Chambers paused thoughtfully. "Housing? You mean the bricks-and-mortar approach? That's so 1950s. Modern solutions require modern thinking. We're operating in the metaverse of housing policy now." A Crisis Measured in Committees, Not Lives According to LAist, homelessness in Los Angeles has increased dramatically, with approximately 75,000 unhoused individuals currently living on the streets. Rather than viewing this as an urgent crisis, city officials have rebranded it as "a comprehensive opportunity for multi-stakeholder dialogue and sustained conversation around systemic challenges." Translation: We'll keep talking about it until everyone gets tired of hearing about it, at which point we'll call it "solved" through sheer administrative exhaustion. The city's approach has been masterfully summarized in what's being called the "LA Homelessness Framework for Aspirational Solutions," a 400-page document that contains zero actionable steps but includes seventeen different fonts, proving that at least someone is trying. The document was released on a Friday afternoon in July, ensuring minimal media coverage and maximum deniability. Why Build When You Can Rebrand? One particularly brilliant element of the strategy involves simply renaming existing inadequate services to sound more impressive. The "Shelter" has been rebranded as a "Transitional Rest Experience Center." The "Food Line" is now the "Nutritional Engagement Queue." Homelessness itself—at least in official terminology—is now referred to as "unresidentialed lifestyle diversity." "If we change the language, do we change the problem?" asked Councilmember Derek Patterson with the confidence of someone who's clearly never had to sleep under an overpass. "I think the answer is yes, and I'm willing to bet your actual livelihood on it." The Economic Logic That Defies Logic The city's most recent housing proposal illustrated exactly why LA's approach is so masterful: they announced plans to build 10,000 units of affordable housing over the next decade—impressive until you do the math and realize this covers roughly 13% of the current unhoused population, and only if none of them remain unhoused, nothing gets delayed, and magic becomes real. Even more impressive, the cost estimates for these units have somehow managed to increase by 40% since the announcement was made two weeks ago, suggesting that LA has discovered a new form of inflation where prices rise faster than light-speed. A Masterclass in Strategic Invisibility What makes LA's homelessness strategy truly exceptional is its commitment to visible invisibility—meaning lots of highly publicized meetings about invisible results. The city recently hosted its 47th task force meeting on homelessness, where officials sat around a mahogany table for three hours to discuss why sitting around mahogany tables wasn't solving anything, then scheduled another meeting to discuss what they discussed. The city has also invested heavily in what could be called "the sociology of hope"—commissioning endless studies that confirm homelessness is bad while offering no solutions beyond "we should probably do something." These studies are then published in journals read by exactly four people, all of whom work for the city and are paid to read them. The Human Cost of Administrative Genius Meanwhile, the actual human beings experiencing homelessness in LA continue to face temperatures that can exceed 100 degrees, gang violence, inadequate sanitation, and the special indignity of being treated as both a crisis and invisible, depending on which city official is being quoted. But hey, at least the meetings are really well-attended, and someone's definitely taking notes. That's progress, isn't it? For actual information on the homelessness crisis in LA, check out the LA Times coverage and the Daily News, which occasionally report on things that actually matter alongside the strategic invisibility. Read the full article

[londonprat]

LA's Bold New Approach to Homelessness

LA's Bold New Approach to Homelessness: The Invisible Infrastructure Strategy City Officials Announce Revolutionary "Schrodinger's Housing Solution" — Homes That Both Exist and Don't Exist Until Audited LOS ANGELES — In a stunning display of creative problem-solving that would make quantum physicists weep with envy, city officials unveiled their latest initiative to address homelessness in LA: the Invisible Infrastructure Housing Initiative, or what insiders are calling "the budgetary approach where we talk about solutions for so long that people forget they were never actually built." "We've analyzed homelessness in LA from every possible angle," announced Deputy Director of Theoretical Housing Solutions Marcus Wellington III at a press conference held in a building that technically doesn't count as a public meeting because the air conditioning broke in 2019. "Our conclusion? We need to think bigger. Or rather, think smaller. Or possibly think in a direction that hasn't been invented yet." The Genius of Doing Nothing While Appearing Busy According to the LA Times, the city currently spends approximately $1.2 billion annually addressing homelessness—a figure that becomes far less impressive when you realize it's distributed across so many committees, task forces, and "stakeholder engagement initiatives" that individual programs receive roughly the same funding as a mid-size burrito stand. The new strategy, however, takes a different approach entirely. Rather than actually building housing, the city will instead commission extensive studies about why housing should be built, followed by focus groups to discuss the studies, followed by more studies about the focus groups. By the time anyone realizes nothing has been constructed, the current administration will have moved on to blaming the previous administration. "We've learned from the best," Wellington continued, gesturing toward a PowerPoint presentation that had apparently achieved sentience and was now questioning its own existence. "If you can't house people, at least provide them with the comfort of knowing that very important people are thinking about housing them. It's called strategic optimism." The Invisible Hand of the Market (And Everything Else) The plan draws inspiration from what officials are calling "the Nordstrom model"—a reference to the now-defunct department store that occupied prime real estate on Hollywood Boulevard while simultaneously achieving the remarkable feat of being mostly empty inside. LA, they argue, should follow suit by creating high-visibility projects that generate headlines without requiring any actual outcomes. One particularly innovative proposal suggests converting unused freeway overpasses into "transitional meditation spaces," where unhoused individuals can contemplate their economic circumstances while traffic exhaust circulates at optimum velocity. "It's called a lived experience journey," explained Dr. Felicity Chambers, Director of Homelessness Linguistics at the Institute for Bureaucratic Excellence. "We're not solving homelessness; we're reframing it as a temporary condition of philosophical depth." When asked why actual housing construction wasn't prioritized, Chambers paused thoughtfully. "Housing? You mean the bricks-and-mortar approach? That's so 1950s. Modern solutions require modern thinking. We're operating in the metaverse of housing policy now." A Crisis Measured in Committees, Not Lives According to LAist, homelessness in Los Angeles has increased dramatically, with approximately 75,000 unhoused individuals currently living on the streets. Rather than viewing this as an urgent crisis, city officials have rebranded it as "a comprehensive opportunity for multi-stakeholder dialogue and sustained conversation around systemic challenges." Translation: We'll keep talking about it until everyone gets tired of hearing about it, at which point we'll call it "solved" through sheer administrative exhaustion. The city's approach has been masterfully summarized in what's being called the "LA Homelessness Framework for Aspirational Solutions," a 400-page document that contains zero actionable steps but includes seventeen different fonts, proving that at least someone is trying. The document was released on a Friday afternoon in July, ensuring minimal media coverage and maximum deniability. Why Build When You Can Rebrand? One particularly brilliant element of the strategy involves simply renaming existing inadequate services to sound more impressive. The "Shelter" has been rebranded as a "Transitional Rest Experience Center." The "Food Line" is now the "Nutritional Engagement Queue." Homelessness itself—at least in official terminology—is now referred to as "unresidentialed lifestyle diversity." "If we change the language, do we change the problem?" asked Councilmember Derek Patterson with the confidence of someone who's clearly never had to sleep under an overpass. "I think the answer is yes, and I'm willing to bet your actual livelihood on it." The Economic Logic That Defies Logic The city's most recent housing proposal illustrated exactly why LA's approach is so masterful: they announced plans to build 10,000 units of affordable housing over the next decade—impressive until you do the math and realize this covers roughly 13% of the current unhoused population, and only if none of them remain unhoused, nothing gets delayed, and magic becomes real. Even more impressive, the cost estimates for these units have somehow managed to increase by 40% since the announcement was made two weeks ago, suggesting that LA has discovered a new form of inflation where prices rise faster than light-speed. A Masterclass in Strategic Invisibility What makes LA's homelessness strategy truly exceptional is its commitment to visible invisibility—meaning lots of highly publicized meetings about invisible results. The city recently hosted its 47th task force meeting on homelessness, where officials sat around a mahogany table for three hours to discuss why sitting around mahogany tables wasn't solving anything, then scheduled another meeting to discuss what they discussed. The city has also invested heavily in what could be called "the sociology of hope"—commissioning endless studies that confirm homelessness is bad while offering no solutions beyond "we should probably do something." These studies are then published in journals read by exactly four people, all of whom work for the city and are paid to read them. The Human Cost of Administrative Genius Meanwhile, the actual human beings experiencing homelessness in LA continue to face temperatures that can exceed 100 degrees, gang violence, inadequate sanitation, and the special indignity of being treated as both a crisis and invisible, depending on which city official is being quoted. But hey, at least the meetings are really well-attended, and someone's definitely taking notes. That's progress, isn't it? For actual information on the homelessness crisis in LA, check out the LA Times coverage and the Daily News, which occasionally report on things that actually matter alongside the strategic invisibility. Read the full article

[londonprat]

Guide to Homelessness in LA

Tents, Trauma, and $837,000 Toilets: A Survivor's Guide to Homelessness in LA How the City of Angels became the city of "just step around them" Southside LOS ANGELES — According to a landmark study by the Institute for Advanced Sidewalk Studies — a think tank that absolutely exists and receives generous public funding — the city of Los Angeles has pioneered a bold new urban planning philosophy called Organic Human Infrastructure. Rather than build affordable housing at scale, the city has allowed its residents to self-organize into elaborate encampments, complete with zip-code loyalty, informal governance, and — in one particularly ambitious settlement near Venice Beach — what appears to be a functioning neighbourhood watch programme run entirely by people the neighbourhood watch refuses to acknowledge. Welcome to homelessness in LA: where the weather is perfect, the solutions are theoretical, and the city council has been "deeply concerned" since approximately 1987. The Numbers (Which Are Somehow Still Getting Worse) The Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority puts the unhoused population of LA County at roughly 75,000 people on any given night. This figure is arrived at by sending volunteers out once a year at 3am to literally count people sleeping outside — which is either heroic civic engagement or the world's most depressing scavenger hunt, depending on your tolerance for bureaucratic theatre. To calibrate the scale: 75,000 people is more than the population of Santa Monica. It is more than a sold-out Dodger Stadium. It is, by any measure, a city within the city — except this city has no mayor, no budget, and no mailing address to receive campaign flyers from people who caused the problem. In 2016, voters passed Proposition HHH, a $1.2 billion ballot measure to build 10,000 units of supportive housing. As of recent audits, it has produced roughly 1,142 units — at an average cost of $837,000 per unit. For context: $837,000 in most American cities buys a four-bedroom house with a pool, a wine cellar, and a level of respectability that makes your in-laws stop hinting about medical school. In Los Angeles it buys one apartment. Possibly with a communal laundry room that smells of good intentions. The NIMBY Industrial Complex Here is how a new shelter gets approved in Los Angeles. Follow carefully, there will be a test: Step 1: City announces shelter location. Step 2: Residents of nearby neighbourhood hold emergency meeting in someone's very good kitchen. Step 3: Residents insist they fully support helping homeless people, but feel strongly that this particular corner of their particular neighbourhood is environmentally sensitive, historically significant, or simply "not the right fit" — a phrase doing extraordinary amounts of moral heavy lifting. Step 4: Lawyers. Step 5: Shelter is either cancelled, relocated to an industrial zone reachable only by car, or approved twelve years later at three times the cost. Step 6: Return to Step 1. This process is so reliable it should be taught in urban planning schools as the Los Angeles Perpetual Motion Machine — a system generating enormous political energy while producing almost no housing. The Weather Problem Nobody Wants to Discuss Here is something politicians hate to say aloud: the weather in Los Angeles is genuinely extraordinary, and it matters enormously to this conversation. Dying of hypothermia in January is significantly less likely in Echo Park than in Minneapolis. This is not a slight against Minneapolis — it is meteorology. LA's mild climate means that living rough, while brutal, traumatic, and deeply dangerous, does not carry the same immediate mortal risk it does in colder cities. The result is that LA functions as a national pressure valve. People discharged from hospitals without follow-up care, released from prison without housing plans, or simply priced out of the American housing market eventually drift toward warmth. The Urban Institute has documented this pattern carefully. And yet the political conversation in LA treats homelessness as a purely local failure — as if 75,000 people independently decided, around the same time, to stop trying. A remarkable coincidence that somehow aligns perfectly with thirty years of federal disinvestment in affordable housing and mental health services. The Innovation Portfolio (God Help Us All) In the absence of housing, Los Angeles has pioneered several creative non-solutions to homelessness in LA: Encampment Sweeps: The city periodically dispatches crews to clear encampments, confiscate belongings, and pressure-wash the area. The people move two blocks away. The encampment reforms. The city sweeps again. This is called "enforcement" in press releases and "the most expensive version of rearranging deck chairs in recorded history" by every homelessness researcher alive. Tiny Home Villages: Modular micro-units providing genuine shelter and dignity. They work remarkably well. They exist in quantities approximately 1/40th of what is needed and take years to site due to the abovementioned Perpetual Motion Machine. The Safe Parking Programme: Allows people living in vehicles to park overnight in designated lots. A genuinely useful initiative and also a perfect crystallisation of where America has arrived — we are proud of ourselves for legalising sleeping in cars. Inside Safe: Mayor Karen Bass's initiative placing encampment residents in motel rooms while permanent housing is supposedly secured. According to the Los Angeles Times, motel operators have done very well. The word "permanent" continues to perform heroically in that sentence without much visible support. A Conversation Overheard on Abbott Kinney Man in $400 linen shirt, to friend: "It's just gotten so bad. You can't even walk to Blue Bottle without —" Friend: "I know, I know." Man: "Something has to be done." Friend: "Absolutely." What Actually Works (A Shorter Section) The research on this is considerably clearer than the politics suggest. Housing First — providing stable housing without preconditions — consistently outperforms every other approach. You do not have to be sober first. You do not have to complete a programme first. You get housed, and then services follow. Finland has near-eliminated chronic homelessness using this model. Houston has cut its numbers dramatically. Los Angeles knows this. The city runs Housing First programmes. They work at the individual level. The problem is scale — political will, funding, land, and the patience to build at a volume matching the crisis rather than the press release. Instead, the dominant approach treats each unhoused person as an individual moral failure requiring bespoke case management — compassionate in theory, catastrophically inefficient when applied to 75,000 simultaneous crises. The Spiritual Dimension There is a particular Los Angeles cognitive dissonance that deserves its own diagnostic code. This is a city that will spend $900 on a sound bath. That has seventeen varieties of adaptogenic mushroom latte. That genuinely believes in healing, growth, second chances, and the transformative power of breathwork in a Silverlake studio that used to be a mechanic's garage. And yet somehow, the person sleeping in the doorway of that garage remains, philosophically, someone else's problem. The city of angels, it turns out, is quite particular about which people qualify for the wings. The Bottom Line on Homelessness in LA Homelessness in LA is not a mystery. It is the entirely predictable result of decades of deliberate decisions: not building housing, defunding mental health services, criminalising poverty, allowing wages to stagnate while rents tripled, and treating the phrase "deeply concerned" as a substitute for action. The solutions are known. The money, theoretically, exists. What is missing is the unglamorous, politically costly, long-horizon work of actually doing it — which, in a city that runs on quarterly attention spans and four-year election cycles, turns out to be the hardest thing of all. Until then, Los Angeles will remain a city of extraordinary beauty, extraordinary wealth, and an extraordinary capacity to walk past the same human being on the same corner for the five-hundredth morning in a row and feel, simultaneously, guilty and powerless. Which is, now that you mention it, a fairly accurate description of American democracy in general. Further reading: 2024 LAHSA Homeless Count results — all the data you need to feel simultaneously informed and overwhelmed. Read the full article

[londonprat]

Guide to Homelessness in LA

Tents, Trauma, and $837,000 Toilets: A Survivor's Guide to Homelessness in LA How the City of Angels became the city of "just step around them" Southside LOS ANGELES — According to a landmark study by the Institute for Advanced Sidewalk Studies — a think tank that absolutely exists and receives generous public funding — the city of Los Angeles has pioneered a bold new urban planning philosophy called Organic Human Infrastructure. Rather than build affordable housing at scale, the city has allowed its residents to self-organize into elaborate encampments, complete with zip-code loyalty, informal governance, and — in one particularly ambitious settlement near Venice Beach — what appears to be a functioning neighbourhood watch programme run entirely by people the neighbourhood watch refuses to acknowledge. Welcome to homelessness in LA: where the weather is perfect, the solutions are theoretical, and the city council has been "deeply concerned" since approximately 1987. The Numbers (Which Are Somehow Still Getting Worse) The Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority puts the unhoused population of LA County at roughly 75,000 people on any given night. This figure is arrived at by sending volunteers out once a year at 3am to literally count people sleeping outside — which is either heroic civic engagement or the world's most depressing scavenger hunt, depending on your tolerance for bureaucratic theatre. To calibrate the scale: 75,000 people is more than the population of Santa Monica. It is more than a sold-out Dodger Stadium. It is, by any measure, a city within the city — except this city has no mayor, no budget, and no mailing address to receive campaign flyers from people who caused the problem. In 2016, voters passed Proposition HHH, a $1.2 billion ballot measure to build 10,000 units of supportive housing. As of recent audits, it has produced roughly 1,142 units — at an average cost of $837,000 per unit. For context: $837,000 in most American cities buys a four-bedroom house with a pool, a wine cellar, and a level of respectability that makes your in-laws stop hinting about medical school. In Los Angeles it buys one apartment. Possibly with a communal laundry room that smells of good intentions. The NIMBY Industrial Complex Here is how a new shelter gets approved in Los Angeles. Follow carefully, there will be a test: Step 1: City announces shelter location. Step 2: Residents of nearby neighbourhood hold emergency meeting in someone's very good kitchen. Step 3: Residents insist they fully support helping homeless people, but feel strongly that this particular corner of their particular neighbourhood is environmentally sensitive, historically significant, or simply "not the right fit" — a phrase doing extraordinary amounts of moral heavy lifting. Step 4: Lawyers. Step 5: Shelter is either cancelled, relocated to an industrial zone reachable only by car, or approved twelve years later at three times the cost. Step 6: Return to Step 1. This process is so reliable it should be taught in urban planning schools as the Los Angeles Perpetual Motion Machine — a system generating enormous political energy while producing almost no housing. The Weather Problem Nobody Wants to Discuss Here is something politicians hate to say aloud: the weather in Los Angeles is genuinely extraordinary, and it matters enormously to this conversation. Dying of hypothermia in January is significantly less likely in Echo Park than in Minneapolis. This is not a slight against Minneapolis — it is meteorology. LA's mild climate means that living rough, while brutal, traumatic, and deeply dangerous, does not carry the same immediate mortal risk it does in colder cities. The result is that LA functions as a national pressure valve. People discharged from hospitals without follow-up care, released from prison without housing plans, or simply priced out of the American housing market eventually drift toward warmth. The Urban Institute has documented this pattern carefully. And yet the political conversation in LA treats homelessness as a purely local failure — as if 75,000 people independently decided, around the same time, to stop trying. A remarkable coincidence that somehow aligns perfectly with thirty years of federal disinvestment in affordable housing and mental health services. The Innovation Portfolio (God Help Us All) In the absence of housing, Los Angeles has pioneered several creative non-solutions to homelessness in LA: Encampment Sweeps: The city periodically dispatches crews to clear encampments, confiscate belongings, and pressure-wash the area. The people move two blocks away. The encampment reforms. The city sweeps again. This is called "enforcement" in press releases and "the most expensive version of rearranging deck chairs in recorded history" by every homelessness researcher alive. Tiny Home Villages: Modular micro-units providing genuine shelter and dignity. They work remarkably well. They exist in quantities approximately 1/40th of what is needed and take years to site due to the abovementioned Perpetual Motion Machine. The Safe Parking Programme: Allows people living in vehicles to park overnight in designated lots. A genuinely useful initiative and also a perfect crystallisation of where America has arrived — we are proud of ourselves for legalising sleeping in cars. Inside Safe: Mayor Karen Bass's initiative placing encampment residents in motel rooms while permanent housing is supposedly secured. According to the Los Angeles Times, motel operators have done very well. The word "permanent" continues to perform heroically in that sentence without much visible support. A Conversation Overheard on Abbott Kinney Man in $400 linen shirt, to friend: "It's just gotten so bad. You can't even walk to Blue Bottle without —" Friend: "I know, I know." Man: "Something has to be done." Friend: "Absolutely." What Actually Works (A Shorter Section) The research on this is considerably clearer than the politics suggest. Housing First — providing stable housing without preconditions — consistently outperforms every other approach. You do not have to be sober first. You do not have to complete a programme first. You get housed, and then services follow. Finland has near-eliminated chronic homelessness using this model. Houston has cut its numbers dramatically. Los Angeles knows this. The city runs Housing First programmes. They work at the individual level. The problem is scale — political will, funding, land, and the patience to build at a volume matching the crisis rather than the press release. Instead, the dominant approach treats each unhoused person as an individual moral failure requiring bespoke case management — compassionate in theory, catastrophically inefficient when applied to 75,000 simultaneous crises. The Spiritual Dimension There is a particular Los Angeles cognitive dissonance that deserves its own diagnostic code. This is a city that will spend $900 on a sound bath. That has seventeen varieties of adaptogenic mushroom latte. That genuinely believes in healing, growth, second chances, and the transformative power of breathwork in a Silverlake studio that used to be a mechanic's garage. And yet somehow, the person sleeping in the doorway of that garage remains, philosophically, someone else's problem. The city of angels, it turns out, is quite particular about which people qualify for the wings. The Bottom Line on Homelessness in LA Homelessness in LA is not a mystery. It is the entirely predictable result of decades of deliberate decisions: not building housing, defunding mental health services, criminalising poverty, allowing wages to stagnate while rents tripled, and treating the phrase "deeply concerned" as a substitute for action. The solutions are known. The money, theoretically, exists. What is missing is the unglamorous, politically costly, long-horizon work of actually doing it — which, in a city that runs on quarterly attention spans and four-year election cycles, turns out to be the hardest thing of all. Until then, Los Angeles will remain a city of extraordinary beauty, extraordinary wealth, and an extraordinary capacity to walk past the same human being on the same corner for the five-hundredth morning in a row and feel, simultaneously, guilty and powerless. Which is, now that you mention it, a fairly accurate description of American democracy in general. Further reading: 2024 LAHSA Homeless Count results — all the data you need to feel simultaneously informed and overwhelmed. Read the full article

[londonprat]

Homelessness in LA Drops 3.4%

Homelessness in LA Drops 3.4%, Officials Declare the Other 96.6% "Aspirational" City celebrates historic victory over arithmetic as new agency formed to investigate the old agency that was formed to investigate the problem. Olympic Blvd, LA  -- Homelessness in LA fell by 3.4% inside the city last year, a result officials hailed as proof that throwing roughly the GDP of a small island nation at a crisis will, eventually, move a number slightly. At a triumphant press conference held atop a freshly cleared encampment, the city unveiled a banner reading "WE DID 3.4% OF IT," which a marching band attempted to play but could not, on account of the trombones being repossessed mid-fanfare. "This is what urgency looks like," declared Deputy Undersecretary for Outcome Adjacency Brenda Pflug-Watanabe, gesturing at a chart whose y-axis had been thoughtfully removed to protect citizens from context. "Two years ago the line went up. Now the line goes down a teeny bit. That is the difference between despair and a ribbon-cutting." The Numbers Behind Homelessness in LA According to the region's official tally, roughly 72,308 people across Los Angeles County are experiencing homelessness, including more than 43,000 inside the city proper. The count, conducted over three February nights by thousands of volunteers with clipboards and a profound sense of dread, remains the largest census of its kind in the nation and the only municipal program in America where the goal is to find fewer people every year and call it progress. Officials at the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority noted that the decline was real, measurable, and immediately followed by Los Angeles County yanking its funding to start an entirely new department to do the same job. "We were so impressed by the results," explained county liaison Gordon Halloway-Steeple, "that we decided to dismantle the thing that produced them. You don't keep using a hammer just because it hit the nail. That's how the nail wins." "Imagination-Based Housing" Enters Its Pilot Phase The centerpiece of the new strategy is a program insiders describe as Imagination-Based Housing, in which units are funded, announced, photographed, and then exist in a quantum state — both built and unbuilt — until a state audit collapses the probability wave function, at which point they are reclassified as "lessons learned." Region-wide planners concede the area still needs more than 485,000 additional affordable units, a figure they have addressed by forming a task force to determine whether 485,000 is, in their words, "a real number or just a vibe." Dr. Marisol Trentham of the Institute for Fiscal Sleepwalking estimated the per-unit cost of new permanent supportive housing at "somewhere between a modest condo and a Fabergé egg," adding that her institute had itself received a grant to study the cost of grants, which she described as "recursive but lucrative." A Bold New Vocabulary Much of the city's recent progress, experts agree, has come from innovations in language rather than construction. An encampment is now a "pre-resolution wellness cluster." A sidewalk is a "horizontal interim asset." A person sleeping in a doorway is enjoying "ground-floor, weather-adjacent, rent-free living with elite walkability." One consultant earned a six-figure contract for renaming the word "tent" to "single-occupancy fabric structure," then a second contract for changing it back when nobody understood the press release. "We've found that you can reduce visible homelessness by up to 100% simply by scheduling your count for a day when it rains and everyone's inside," noted one strategist who asked to be identified only as "a senior source familiar with optics." "Is that solving it? No. Is it a 100% improvement on the spreadsheet? Absolutely. And the spreadsheet, ultimately, is the constituent we serve." The Victory Lap To commemorate the milestone, the city commissioned a 40-foot mural depicting a graph going slightly down, unveiled at a gala where the cheapest ticket cost more than a month's rent in the housing the gala was meant to fund. Attendees dined on deconstructed comfort food and bid silently on a luxury weekend in a vacant unit that "may or may not be occupied by the time the auction closes." Mayor's office representatives stressed that the trend, however modest, marks the first back-to-back decline since record-keeping began, and that real human beings are now sheltered who weren't before — a point that survives the satire entirely intact and is, in fact, the only part of this story that isn't a joke. The other parts — the renamed tents, the new agency built to replace the agency that worked, the half-million missing homes treated as a branding exercise — those write themselves, which is the trouble. You don't have to exaggerate a system that already files "we have not built the houses" under "progress." You just have to hold still and quote it. As Pflug-Watanabe put it while cutting a ribbon in front of a parking lot zoned for hope: "Rome wasn't housed in a day. Frankly, at this rate, Rome won't be housed at all. But we'll have a wonderful chart about it." Read the full article

[londonprat]

Homelessness in LA Drops 3.4%

Homelessness in LA Drops 3.4%, Officials Declare the Other 96.6% "Aspirational" City celebrates historic victory over arithmetic as new agency formed to investigate the old agency that was formed to investigate the problem. Olympic Blvd, LA  -- Homelessness in LA fell by 3.4% inside the city last year, a result officials hailed as proof that throwing roughly the GDP of a small island nation at a crisis will, eventually, move a number slightly. At a triumphant press conference held atop a freshly cleared encampment, the city unveiled a banner reading "WE DID 3.4% OF IT," which a marching band attempted to play but could not, on account of the trombones being repossessed mid-fanfare. "This is what urgency looks like," declared Deputy Undersecretary for Outcome Adjacency Brenda Pflug-Watanabe, gesturing at a chart whose y-axis had been thoughtfully removed to protect citizens from context. "Two years ago the line went up. Now the line goes down a teeny bit. That is the difference between despair and a ribbon-cutting." The Numbers Behind Homelessness in LA According to the region's official tally, roughly 72,308 people across Los Angeles County are experiencing homelessness, including more than 43,000 inside the city proper. The count, conducted over three February nights by thousands of volunteers with clipboards and a profound sense of dread, remains the largest census of its kind in the nation and the only municipal program in America where the goal is to find fewer people every year and call it progress. Officials at the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority noted that the decline was real, measurable, and immediately followed by Los Angeles County yanking its funding to start an entirely new department to do the same job. "We were so impressed by the results," explained county liaison Gordon Halloway-Steeple, "that we decided to dismantle the thing that produced them. You don't keep using a hammer just because it hit the nail. That's how the nail wins." "Imagination-Based Housing" Enters Its Pilot Phase The centerpiece of the new strategy is a program insiders describe as Imagination-Based Housing, in which units are funded, announced, photographed, and then exist in a quantum state — both built and unbuilt — until a state audit collapses the probability wave function, at which point they are reclassified as "lessons learned." Region-wide planners concede the area still needs more than 485,000 additional affordable units, a figure they have addressed by forming a task force to determine whether 485,000 is, in their words, "a real number or just a vibe." Dr. Marisol Trentham of the Institute for Fiscal Sleepwalking estimated the per-unit cost of new permanent supportive housing at "somewhere between a modest condo and a Fabergé egg," adding that her institute had itself received a grant to study the cost of grants, which she described as "recursive but lucrative." A Bold New Vocabulary Much of the city's recent progress, experts agree, has come from innovations in language rather than construction. An encampment is now a "pre-resolution wellness cluster." A sidewalk is a "horizontal interim asset." A person sleeping in a doorway is enjoying "ground-floor, weather-adjacent, rent-free living with elite walkability." One consultant earned a six-figure contract for renaming the word "tent" to "single-occupancy fabric structure," then a second contract for changing it back when nobody understood the press release. "We've found that you can reduce visible homelessness by up to 100% simply by scheduling your count for a day when it rains and everyone's inside," noted one strategist who asked to be identified only as "a senior source familiar with optics." "Is that solving it? No. Is it a 100% improvement on the spreadsheet? Absolutely. And the spreadsheet, ultimately, is the constituent we serve." The Victory Lap To commemorate the milestone, the city commissioned a 40-foot mural depicting a graph going slightly down, unveiled at a gala where the cheapest ticket cost more than a month's rent in the housing the gala was meant to fund. Attendees dined on deconstructed comfort food and bid silently on a luxury weekend in a vacant unit that "may or may not be occupied by the time the auction closes." Mayor's office representatives stressed that the trend, however modest, marks the first back-to-back decline since record-keeping began, and that real human beings are now sheltered who weren't before — a point that survives the satire entirely intact and is, in fact, the only part of this story that isn't a joke. The other parts — the renamed tents, the new agency built to replace the agency that worked, the half-million missing homes treated as a branding exercise — those write themselves, which is the trouble. You don't have to exaggerate a system that already files "we have not built the houses" under "progress." You just have to hold still and quote it. As Pflug-Watanabe put it while cutting a ribbon in front of a parking lot zoned for hope: "Rome wasn't housed in a day. Frankly, at this rate, Rome won't be housed at all. But we'll have a wonderful chart about it." Read the full article

[londonprat]

Homelessness in LA: Outdoor Lifestyle Sector

Homelessness in LA Officially Reclassified as "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector" by City Hall S LOS ANGELES, CA — In a bold move that experts are calling "linguistically ambitious," the City of Los Angeles announced this week that homelessness in LA will no longer be referred to as a crisis. It will instead be known as the "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector," a thriving demographic of approximately 75,000 residents who city officials say are "pioneering minimalist living at scale." "We've spent twenty years and roughly fourteen billion dollars studying homelessness in LA," said Deputy Assistant Sub-Commissioner for Housing Adjacency, Brent Pellucid. "And what we've learned is that the problem isn't the lack of housing. The problem is the word 'homeless.' It tests very poorly with donors." The Math Is Working, Just Not for Anyone According to the city's own figures, Los Angeles now spends an average of $600,000 to $800,000 per unit of permanent supportive housing — a price point at which, critics note, you could simply buy each unhoused person a house in 44 other states, plus a boat, plus a smaller boat for the boat. The Bureau of Vertical Optimism, the city's newest agency, defended the spending. "People see $800,000 per unit and assume waste," said spokesperson Dr. Felicity Grommet, Professor of Applied Scaffolding at the Institute for Buildings That Will Exist Eventually. "What they don't see is the value embedded in that number: nine environmental reviews, four community input sessions where everyone screamed, a mural budget, and a consultant whose entire job was hiring the other consultants." Per official data from the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority, the region's annual point-in-time count requires thousands of volunteers, three nights, and an app that crashes. The count is considered accurate to within a margin of error described internally as "vibes." A Decade of Plans to Make More Plans Since 2016, when voters approved Measure HHH — a $1.2 billion bond to build 10,000 units of supportive housing — the city has been hard at work converting that money into press conferences. A recent city controller audit found that some HHH-funded projects took longer to approve than the Empire State Building took to build, design, and open. The Empire State Building, for reference, was completed in 410 days, without a single equity impact listening tour. "Construction in 1931 was reckless," Pellucid explained. "They just... built things. We've evolved. Now we conduct a feasibility study to determine the feasibility of the feasibility study. It's called rigor." Meanwhile, a new fake-but-plausible survey from the Center for Sidewalk Economics found that 87% of Angelenos believe homelessness in LA could be solved tomorrow, 92% believe it will never be solved, and 100% have strong opinions about both positions simultaneously, often within the same sentence, usually while in traffic. Innovative Solutions, Now With Less Solving The city's pilot programs continue to push boundaries. Among the most celebrated: Operation Clean Sweep Forward: Encampments are cleared from one block and relocated to a different block, in a process officials describe as "dynamic urban circulation" and residents describe as "watching the same guy move 40 feet every Tuesday." The Tiny Home Village Initiative: Structures roughly the size of a garden shed, costing up to $130,000 each, which is impressive given that Home Depot sells the shed for $4,000. The remaining $126,000 covers what one official called "the intangibles." The Task Force Task Force: A blue-ribbon commission assembled to determine why the previous eleven blue-ribbon commissions produced only ribbons. As the Los Angeles Times has documented extensively, the gap between money allocated and housing built remains the city's most reliable architectural feature. It is, in a sense, LA's true skyline: invisible, expensive, and growing. The Federal Government Offers Help, Definitions The Department of Housing and Urban Development continues to provide both funding and an annual report confirming that California contains nearly a third of the nation's unhoused population, a statistic state officials greet each year with the surprise of a man discovering his birthday is on the same date as last year. Full national data is available from HUD, printed in a font small enough to be legally considered an apology. Asked whether the city had considered the radical approach of building housing quickly and cheaply, Pellucid grew visibly uncomfortable. "We looked at that," he said. "Houston did something like it. Finland did it. But Los Angeles is unique. We have hills. We have ambiance. You can't just give a person an apartment here. First you have to determine whether the apartment reflects our values." "And does it?" a reporter asked. "We've commissioned a study," he said. Residents Respond Reaction across the city was mixed. Westside homeowners expressed deep compassion for the unhoused, paired with deep opposition to any shelter located within nine miles of their property, a position scientists have classified as "Schrodinger's Empathy" — care that exists right up until the moment a zoning notice observes it. "I absolutely support housing the homeless," said one Brentwood resident, speaking from inside a car she was idling in a bike lane. "Just not here. Or there. Or anywhere I have ever been, will go, or could theoretically imagine. Have you considered Bakersfield?" Downtown, longtime resident Marcus T., who has lived in a tent near 6th Street for three years, reviewed the city's new "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector" branding with the weary patience of a man who has heard several rebrands. "Last year I was 'unhoused.' Year before that, 'experiencing homelessness.' Now I'm a lifestyle sector," he said. "I'm gaining titles faster than housing. Couple more years I'll be a deputy commissioner." City Hall confirmed Marcus is not currently eligible for housing, but is eligible for a survey about housing, which will inform a report about surveys, which will be presented to the Task Force Task Force at a date to be studied. The Road Ahead Officials remain optimistic. A new ten-year plan to end homelessness in LA was unveiled Thursday, replacing the previous ten-year plan, which itself replaced the ten-year plan before it, in what historians now recognize as Los Angeles's longest-running decade. "The numbers are trending in a promising direction," Pellucid concluded. "Mostly upward, which is technically a direction." At press time, the city had announced $50 million in emergency funding for a public awareness campaign to inform residents that homelessness exists — a fact residents reported being aware of, on average, eleven times per commute. Read the full article

[londonprat]

Homelessness in LA: Outdoor Lifestyle Sector

Homelessness in LA Officially Reclassified as "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector" by City Hall S LOS ANGELES, CA — In a bold move that experts are calling "linguistically ambitious," the City of Los Angeles announced this week that homelessness in LA will no longer be referred to as a crisis. It will instead be known as the "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector," a thriving demographic of approximately 75,000 residents who city officials say are "pioneering minimalist living at scale." "We've spent twenty years and roughly fourteen billion dollars studying homelessness in LA," said Deputy Assistant Sub-Commissioner for Housing Adjacency, Brent Pellucid. "And what we've learned is that the problem isn't the lack of housing. The problem is the word 'homeless.' It tests very poorly with donors." The Math Is Working, Just Not for Anyone According to the city's own figures, Los Angeles now spends an average of $600,000 to $800,000 per unit of permanent supportive housing — a price point at which, critics note, you could simply buy each unhoused person a house in 44 other states, plus a boat, plus a smaller boat for the boat. The Bureau of Vertical Optimism, the city's newest agency, defended the spending. "People see $800,000 per unit and assume waste," said spokesperson Dr. Felicity Grommet, Professor of Applied Scaffolding at the Institute for Buildings That Will Exist Eventually. "What they don't see is the value embedded in that number: nine environmental reviews, four community input sessions where everyone screamed, a mural budget, and a consultant whose entire job was hiring the other consultants." Per official data from the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority, the region's annual point-in-time count requires thousands of volunteers, three nights, and an app that crashes. The count is considered accurate to within a margin of error described internally as "vibes." A Decade of Plans to Make More Plans Since 2016, when voters approved Measure HHH — a $1.2 billion bond to build 10,000 units of supportive housing — the city has been hard at work converting that money into press conferences. A recent city controller audit found that some HHH-funded projects took longer to approve than the Empire State Building took to build, design, and open. The Empire State Building, for reference, was completed in 410 days, without a single equity impact listening tour. "Construction in 1931 was reckless," Pellucid explained. "They just... built things. We've evolved. Now we conduct a feasibility study to determine the feasibility of the feasibility study. It's called rigor." Meanwhile, a new fake-but-plausible survey from the Center for Sidewalk Economics found that 87% of Angelenos believe homelessness in LA could be solved tomorrow, 92% believe it will never be solved, and 100% have strong opinions about both positions simultaneously, often within the same sentence, usually while in traffic. Innovative Solutions, Now With Less Solving The city's pilot programs continue to push boundaries. Among the most celebrated: Operation Clean Sweep Forward: Encampments are cleared from one block and relocated to a different block, in a process officials describe as "dynamic urban circulation" and residents describe as "watching the same guy move 40 feet every Tuesday." The Tiny Home Village Initiative: Structures roughly the size of a garden shed, costing up to $130,000 each, which is impressive given that Home Depot sells the shed for $4,000. The remaining $126,000 covers what one official called "the intangibles." The Task Force Task Force: A blue-ribbon commission assembled to determine why the previous eleven blue-ribbon commissions produced only ribbons. As the Los Angeles Times has documented extensively, the gap between money allocated and housing built remains the city's most reliable architectural feature. It is, in a sense, LA's true skyline: invisible, expensive, and growing. The Federal Government Offers Help, Definitions The Department of Housing and Urban Development continues to provide both funding and an annual report confirming that California contains nearly a third of the nation's unhoused population, a statistic state officials greet each year with the surprise of a man discovering his birthday is on the same date as last year. Full national data is available from HUD, printed in a font small enough to be legally considered an apology. Asked whether the city had considered the radical approach of building housing quickly and cheaply, Pellucid grew visibly uncomfortable. "We looked at that," he said. "Houston did something like it. Finland did it. But Los Angeles is unique. We have hills. We have ambiance. You can't just give a person an apartment here. First you have to determine whether the apartment reflects our values." "And does it?" a reporter asked. "We've commissioned a study," he said. Residents Respond Reaction across the city was mixed. Westside homeowners expressed deep compassion for the unhoused, paired with deep opposition to any shelter located within nine miles of their property, a position scientists have classified as "Schrodinger's Empathy" — care that exists right up until the moment a zoning notice observes it. "I absolutely support housing the homeless," said one Brentwood resident, speaking from inside a car she was idling in a bike lane. "Just not here. Or there. Or anywhere I have ever been, will go, or could theoretically imagine. Have you considered Bakersfield?" Downtown, longtime resident Marcus T., who has lived in a tent near 6th Street for three years, reviewed the city's new "Outdoor Lifestyle Sector" branding with the weary patience of a man who has heard several rebrands. "Last year I was 'unhoused.' Year before that, 'experiencing homelessness.' Now I'm a lifestyle sector," he said. "I'm gaining titles faster than housing. Couple more years I'll be a deputy commissioner." City Hall confirmed Marcus is not currently eligible for housing, but is eligible for a survey about housing, which will inform a report about surveys, which will be presented to the Task Force Task Force at a date to be studied. The Road Ahead Officials remain optimistic. A new ten-year plan to end homelessness in LA was unveiled Thursday, replacing the previous ten-year plan, which itself replaced the ten-year plan before it, in what historians now recognize as Los Angeles's longest-running decade. "The numbers are trending in a promising direction," Pellucid concluded. "Mostly upward, which is technically a direction." At press time, the city had announced $50 million in emergency funding for a public awareness campaign to inform residents that homelessness exists — a fact residents reported being aware of, on average, eleven times per commute. Read the full article

[londonprat]

Cheshunt UK

 Cheshunt: Britain's Official Capital of Nearly There Town Celebrates a Thousand Years of Telling People It Is Absolutely Not London By Ingrid Gustafsson CHESHUNT, HERTFORDSHIRE -- Cheshunt is one of those glorious English towns that exists in a permanent state of trying to explain to Londoners that it is absolutely not London, while simultaneously ensuring every third resident catches the 7:13 train into London every weekday morning. The 7:13 is important. The 7:19 is for amateurs and the 7:26 is for people who have already given up on the day, possibly the decade. Residents have proudly celebrated their town's unique identity as Britain's leading exporter of commuters, hanging baskets, and people who begin every sentence with, "Well, technically, we're in Hertfordshire." Local officials unveiled a new tourism slogan this week: "Cheshunt: Close Enough To London To Mention It, Far Enough Away To Afford Slightly Larger Curtains." The slogan beat several other finalists, including "Cheshunt: The First Place The Train Stops Where You Can Breathe" and "Cheshunt: We Had Tesco Before Tesco Was Tesco," which the committee rejected on the grounds that nobody could say it three times without weeping. From the Domesday Book to the 7:13: A Thousand Years of Passing Through The town, first recorded in the Domesday Book as Cestrehunt, has spent nearly a thousand years perfecting the delicate art of being somewhere people drive through on their way to somewhere else. Cheshunt had 78 households in 1086, a mill, woodland, and enough importance to make it into William the Conqueror's paperwork, which is more than can be said for several modern government departments. Experts believe medieval residents enjoyed precisely the same conversations heard today. "How long is the commute?" "Depends whether Tottenham are playing at home." Historians note that Cheshunt sits on the route of the ancient Roman road known as Ermine Street. This means the Romans also spent centuries attempting to get through Cheshunt slightly faster. "It is remarkable continuity," said one local historian. "The Romans had chariots. We have the A10. In both cases, somebody was shouting about traffic." She added that archaeologists working along the route once found a Roman coin, a brooch, and what she described as "the unmistakable energy of a man who had been stuck behind an ox cart since Bishopsgate." Glasshouses, Basil, and the Great Horticultural Decline of Aisle Seven The town later became famous for horticulture, supplying flowers and produce to London through its extensive glasshouse industry, back when the Lea Valley was known as London's larder rather than London's overflow car park. Modern residents continue this proud tradition by purchasing distressed-looking basil plants from supermarkets and insisting they intend to start gardening "once the weather improves." The weather has been improving since 1987. The basil knows. You can see it in its posture. One resident, Dave, 54, showed reporters his greenhouse, which contained a bicycle, two paddling pools, a broken dehumidifier, and a single defiant tomato plant he referred to as "the lad." "My grandfather grew cucumbers for half of north London," Dave said, gazing at the lad with something between pride and apology. "I grow one tomato a year and I give it a name. It's heritage, isn't it. It's just heritage at a smaller scale." Estate Agents Declare Cheshunt "Vibrant," Refuse to Elaborate Estate agents describe Cheshunt as "vibrant," "well-connected," and "just 25 minutes from Liverpool Street," which experts confirm is estate-agent language for, "Please don't compare house prices with Zone 2." The phrase "excellent transport links" now appears so frequently in local property listings that researchers suspect it may replace the town crest. One agent, asked to describe the town without mentioning trains, fell silent for eleven seconds, loosened his tie, and eventually whispered, "There's a Marks and Spencer Foodhall." He then asked for a glass of water. Residents rejected suggestions that Cheshunt lacks excitement. "We've got history," said one local man while standing outside a coffee shop. "King James I died nearby. Victoria Beckham went to school here. Tesco started around here. Frankly, we're one Spice Girl away from becoming a UNESCO World Heritage Site." The town also boasts Theobalds, where royalty once gathered and where James I swapped houses with Robert Cecil in what historians describe as the most consequential property chain in English history, and the only one on record that actually completed. This means Cheshunt residents can legitimately claim they share local heritage with monarchs, even if their actual weekend plans involve assembling flat-pack furniture while arguing over whether the recycling bins go out this week. Broxbourne Borough Council publishes the bin schedule online. Nobody has ever read it at any time other than 6:58 in the morning, in a dressing gown, holding a bag of something leaking. Commuter Optimism: A Field Guide to the 25-Minute Lie Meanwhile, Cheshunt railway station continues serving its essential function of transporting thousands of people into London every day before welcoming them home each evening carrying expressions suggesting they have attended twelve consecutive meetings about synergy. Sociologists have identified a phenomenon known as "Commuter Optimism." This condition causes individuals moving to Cheshunt to say things like: "It'll be nice having a garden." Within six months, they are found muttering: "Do you think we could fit a small espresso machine in the downstairs loo?" The condition progresses in stages. Stage one is buying a season ticket. Stage two is having a platform preference. Stage three is having a preferred door on a preferred carriage. Stage four, described in the literature as irreversible, is recognising another commuter's coat before recognising your own children. A recent feature in Latest Story reported that one Cheshunt man has stood on the same square metre of platform two for nineteen years and now considers it, legally and spiritually, an allotment. Local businesses remain enthusiastic about Cheshunt's future. A spokesperson for the Chamber of Commerce said, "People underestimate us. We have green spaces, history, transport links, and a genuine community spirit." He paused thoughtfully. "And frankly, compared with central London, seeing a squirrel still counts as a nature documentary." He is not wrong about the green spaces. The town sits beside the Lee Valley Regional Park, ten thousand acres of wetlands, lakes, and waterfowl, where Cheshunt residents go to remind themselves that nature exists and that swans, like Londoners, will absolutely have a go at you if you stand too close with a sandwich. Margaret Ellis Versus the Cryptocurrency Recruiters of Zone 2 Despite jokes about its commuter culture, residents remain fiercely proud of their town. "People think Cheshunt is just a stop on the Overground," said lifelong resident Margaret Ellis. "But it's home. We know our neighbours. We support local businesses. We complain about planning applications together." She added, "And unlike London, if somebody says hello to you in the street, they're usually not trying to recruit you into cryptocurrency." Margaret, it should be noted, has objected to the same proposed extension on Crossbrook Street since 2014. The extension has never been built. Margaret considers this her life's work and, in fairness, her win rate is better than most hedge funds. As Britain continues searching for communities balancing urban convenience with suburban sanity, Cheshunt has quietly become an accidental success story. It has Roman roots, royal connections, horticultural heritage, and enough train services to ensure everyone knows exactly which departure platform they prefer. Not bad for a place whose greatest ambition appears to have been saying, for over a thousand years: "We're not London. But London's just over there." And honestly, there is something quietly admirable in that. The commuter towns get laughed at, but they are where an enormous amount of ordinary British life actually happens: the school runs, the allotments, the planning objections, the neighbours who notice when your curtains haven't opened by ten. London gets the skyline. Places like Cheshunt get the part where people actually know each other. A thousand years of being nearly there turns out to be a perfectly good place to be. Cheshunt is a town of around 50,000 people in the Borough of Broxbourne, Hertfordshire, on the edge of the Lee Valley Regional Park. It appears in the Domesday Book of 1086, sits on the line of the Roman Ermine Street, and was historically a centre of the Lea Valley glasshouse industry. Theobalds, on the town's outskirts, was a favoured residence of James I, who died there in 1625. The town is served by Cheshunt railway station on the West Anglia Main Line and London Overground, with direct services to Liverpool Street. Disclaimer This story is British satirical journalism. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual commuter complaints, estate-agent brochures, or passive-aggressive neighbourhood Facebook groups is purely coincidental. For American satirical journalism with louder trains and larger curtains, visit Bohiney.com. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   cheshuntteamministry.org.uk Read the full article

[londonprat]

Cheshunt UK

 Cheshunt: Britain's Official Capital of Nearly There Town Celebrates a Thousand Years of Telling People It Is Absolutely Not London By Ingrid Gustafsson CHESHUNT, HERTFORDSHIRE -- Cheshunt is one of those glorious English towns that exists in a permanent state of trying to explain to Londoners that it is absolutely not London, while simultaneously ensuring every third resident catches the 7:13 train into London every weekday morning. The 7:13 is important. The 7:19 is for amateurs and the 7:26 is for people who have already given up on the day, possibly the decade. Residents have proudly celebrated their town's unique identity as Britain's leading exporter of commuters, hanging baskets, and people who begin every sentence with, "Well, technically, we're in Hertfordshire." Local officials unveiled a new tourism slogan this week: "Cheshunt: Close Enough To London To Mention It, Far Enough Away To Afford Slightly Larger Curtains." The slogan beat several other finalists, including "Cheshunt: The First Place The Train Stops Where You Can Breathe" and "Cheshunt: We Had Tesco Before Tesco Was Tesco," which the committee rejected on the grounds that nobody could say it three times without weeping. From the Domesday Book to the 7:13: A Thousand Years of Passing Through The town, first recorded in the Domesday Book as Cestrehunt, has spent nearly a thousand years perfecting the delicate art of being somewhere people drive through on their way to somewhere else. Cheshunt had 78 households in 1086, a mill, woodland, and enough importance to make it into William the Conqueror's paperwork, which is more than can be said for several modern government departments. Experts believe medieval residents enjoyed precisely the same conversations heard today. "How long is the commute?" "Depends whether Tottenham are playing at home." Historians note that Cheshunt sits on the route of the ancient Roman road known as Ermine Street. This means the Romans also spent centuries attempting to get through Cheshunt slightly faster. "It is remarkable continuity," said one local historian. "The Romans had chariots. We have the A10. In both cases, somebody was shouting about traffic." She added that archaeologists working along the route once found a Roman coin, a brooch, and what she described as "the unmistakable energy of a man who had been stuck behind an ox cart since Bishopsgate." Glasshouses, Basil, and the Great Horticultural Decline of Aisle Seven The town later became famous for horticulture, supplying flowers and produce to London through its extensive glasshouse industry, back when the Lea Valley was known as London's larder rather than London's overflow car park. Modern residents continue this proud tradition by purchasing distressed-looking basil plants from supermarkets and insisting they intend to start gardening "once the weather improves." The weather has been improving since 1987. The basil knows. You can see it in its posture. One resident, Dave, 54, showed reporters his greenhouse, which contained a bicycle, two paddling pools, a broken dehumidifier, and a single defiant tomato plant he referred to as "the lad." "My grandfather grew cucumbers for half of north London," Dave said, gazing at the lad with something between pride and apology. "I grow one tomato a year and I give it a name. It's heritage, isn't it. It's just heritage at a smaller scale." Estate Agents Declare Cheshunt "Vibrant," Refuse to Elaborate Estate agents describe Cheshunt as "vibrant," "well-connected," and "just 25 minutes from Liverpool Street," which experts confirm is estate-agent language for, "Please don't compare house prices with Zone 2." The phrase "excellent transport links" now appears so frequently in local property listings that researchers suspect it may replace the town crest. One agent, asked to describe the town without mentioning trains, fell silent for eleven seconds, loosened his tie, and eventually whispered, "There's a Marks and Spencer Foodhall." He then asked for a glass of water. Residents rejected suggestions that Cheshunt lacks excitement. "We've got history," said one local man while standing outside a coffee shop. "King James I died nearby. Victoria Beckham went to school here. Tesco started around here. Frankly, we're one Spice Girl away from becoming a UNESCO World Heritage Site." The town also boasts Theobalds, where royalty once gathered and where James I swapped houses with Robert Cecil in what historians describe as the most consequential property chain in English history, and the only one on record that actually completed. This means Cheshunt residents can legitimately claim they share local heritage with monarchs, even if their actual weekend plans involve assembling flat-pack furniture while arguing over whether the recycling bins go out this week. Broxbourne Borough Council publishes the bin schedule online. Nobody has ever read it at any time other than 6:58 in the morning, in a dressing gown, holding a bag of something leaking. Commuter Optimism: A Field Guide to the 25-Minute Lie Meanwhile, Cheshunt railway station continues serving its essential function of transporting thousands of people into London every day before welcoming them home each evening carrying expressions suggesting they have attended twelve consecutive meetings about synergy. Sociologists have identified a phenomenon known as "Commuter Optimism." This condition causes individuals moving to Cheshunt to say things like: "It'll be nice having a garden." Within six months, they are found muttering: "Do you think we could fit a small espresso machine in the downstairs loo?" The condition progresses in stages. Stage one is buying a season ticket. Stage two is having a platform preference. Stage three is having a preferred door on a preferred carriage. Stage four, described in the literature as irreversible, is recognising another commuter's coat before recognising your own children. A recent feature in Latest Story reported that one Cheshunt man has stood on the same square metre of platform two for nineteen years and now considers it, legally and spiritually, an allotment. Local businesses remain enthusiastic about Cheshunt's future. A spokesperson for the Chamber of Commerce said, "People underestimate us. We have green spaces, history, transport links, and a genuine community spirit." He paused thoughtfully. "And frankly, compared with central London, seeing a squirrel still counts as a nature documentary." He is not wrong about the green spaces. The town sits beside the Lee Valley Regional Park, ten thousand acres of wetlands, lakes, and waterfowl, where Cheshunt residents go to remind themselves that nature exists and that swans, like Londoners, will absolutely have a go at you if you stand too close with a sandwich. Margaret Ellis Versus the Cryptocurrency Recruiters of Zone 2 Despite jokes about its commuter culture, residents remain fiercely proud of their town. "People think Cheshunt is just a stop on the Overground," said lifelong resident Margaret Ellis. "But it's home. We know our neighbours. We support local businesses. We complain about planning applications together." She added, "And unlike London, if somebody says hello to you in the street, they're usually not trying to recruit you into cryptocurrency." Margaret, it should be noted, has objected to the same proposed extension on Crossbrook Street since 2014. The extension has never been built. Margaret considers this her life's work and, in fairness, her win rate is better than most hedge funds. As Britain continues searching for communities balancing urban convenience with suburban sanity, Cheshunt has quietly become an accidental success story. It has Roman roots, royal connections, horticultural heritage, and enough train services to ensure everyone knows exactly which departure platform they prefer. Not bad for a place whose greatest ambition appears to have been saying, for over a thousand years: "We're not London. But London's just over there." And honestly, there is something quietly admirable in that. The commuter towns get laughed at, but they are where an enormous amount of ordinary British life actually happens: the school runs, the allotments, the planning objections, the neighbours who notice when your curtains haven't opened by ten. London gets the skyline. Places like Cheshunt get the part where people actually know each other. A thousand years of being nearly there turns out to be a perfectly good place to be. Cheshunt is a town of around 50,000 people in the Borough of Broxbourne, Hertfordshire, on the edge of the Lee Valley Regional Park. It appears in the Domesday Book of 1086, sits on the line of the Roman Ermine Street, and was historically a centre of the Lea Valley glasshouse industry. Theobalds, on the town's outskirts, was a favoured residence of James I, who died there in 1625. The town is served by Cheshunt railway station on the West Anglia Main Line and London Overground, with direct services to Liverpool Street. Disclaimer This story is British satirical journalism. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual commuter complaints, estate-agent brochures, or passive-aggressive neighbourhood Facebook groups is purely coincidental. For American satirical journalism with louder trains and larger curtains, visit Bohiney.com. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   cheshuntteamministry.org.uk Read the full article

[londonprat]

Pride Travel Guide 2026

Pride Travel Guide 2026: Check the Law Before You Check In Influencers Shocked To Discover Human Rights Do Not Come Standard With Airport Transfers By Harriet Collins LONDON – As June ushers in both Pride celebrations and the annual British tradition of spending three months' salary on flights to countries described in brochures as "vibrant," the Foreign Office has issued updated Pride travel guidance encouraging LGBTQ+ travellers to perform the revolutionary act of checking local laws before uploading TikToks captioned, "Living my best life!" The advice, in short: before you check in, check the checks and balances. Or at least check whether the destination has any. The revised advisory comes after several British tourists reportedly expressed surprise that not every nation interprets rainbow accessories as a festive contribution to the local colour palette. One man returned from a fortnight abroad describing the experience as "less Pride, more prejudice," which is the closest anyone from Surrey has come to literary criticism since 2009. Officials stressed that the world remains a diverse place, with different customs, traditions, cuisines, and occasionally legal systems that appear to have been drafted by someone who thought the eighteenth century was getting a bit too progressive. "The purpose of travel is cultural exchange," explained one Foreign Office representative. "Ideally, that exchange should not involve accidentally discovering the criminal code halfway through your holiday." He added that the department prefers tourists to experience a brief encounter with local culture rather than a lengthy one with local briefs. Foreign Office Launches "Google It Before You Book It" Travel Advice Campaign The department has therefore launched a public awareness campaign entitled: "Google It Before You Book It." The slogan is intended to remind holidaymakers that researching whether a destination criminalises aspects of your identity should perhaps rank slightly above confirming whether the hotel includes complimentary slippers. The official FCDO guidance for LGBT+ travellers has existed for years, quietly waiting to be read, like a gym membership of the soul. The campaign was prompted by a rising number of tourists who devote twenty-seven hours to selecting swimwear while allocating approximately six seconds to examining local laws. Researchers describe this as a departure from reality, usually from Gatwick, usually at 6:40 in the morning. One traveller interviewed at Heathrow admitted: "I spent three weeks comparing infinity pools but didn't think to check whether holding my partner's hand might trigger an international incident." He had, however, packed four types of sunscreen, factor 15 through factor 50, which experts note offers excellent protection against ultraviolet light and absolutely none against statute. Why British Tourists Confuse Holiday Packing With Legal Research Travel experts describe the phenomenon as a uniquely modern condition. Previous generations worried about passport validity and mosquito repellent. Contemporary tourists worry about obtaining aesthetically pleasing photographs for social media. The result is a generation fluent in baggage allowances but oblivious to legal baggage, capable of identifying a rooftop bar from orbit but unable to locate a penal code with both hands and a search engine. Several influencers have reportedly been astonished to discover that human rights protections are not automatically included alongside airport transfers and breakfast buffets. One asked her travel agent whether rights could be "added at checkout, like extra legroom." The agent reportedly went very quiet, then very pale, then on a sabbatical. One lifestyle creator posted a video asking why local authorities in an unspecified destination appeared "weirdly hostile to self-expression." Followers later pointed out that the country's legal system had been remarkably explicit about the matter for decades. Organisations such as the Human Dignity Trust maintain maps of exactly which jurisdictions criminalise same-sex relationships, maps which remain considerably less consulted than the one showing the walking distance to the nearest beach club. The video subsequently attracted seventeen million views and three sponsorship offers, including one from a brand of noise-cancelling headphones, which observers described as thematically appropriate. The Paddington Bear Theory of International Relations The British public remains divided. Some argue travellers should enjoy complete freedom to explore the world. Others suggest spending approximately eight minutes researching a nation's legal environment before arriving with a suitcase full of assumptions and a carry-on full of more assumptions. "It's not complicated," said one retired geography teacher from Manchester. "If you're going somewhere new, perhaps check whether the local customs involve afternoon tea or public floggings." The woman described the distinction as "quite important." She also noted that in forty years of teaching, she had never once met a pupil who could find Belize on a map but had met several who could find a Belize beach club's Instagram in under four seconds. Travel agents have responded by expanding their advisory services. Holiday packages now include guidance covering visa requirements, vaccination recommendations, baggage allowances, and the increasingly popular section entitled: "Things That May Be Perfectly Acceptable In Brighton But Potentially Less Successful Elsewhere." Industry insiders report overwhelming demand. The travel association ABTA has long encouraged travellers to research destinations before departure, advice which has historically performed about as well as the safety briefing on a budget airline. Meanwhile, social scientists have identified a broader tendency among Britons to assume the entire planet functions according to principles developed during a particularly agreeable episode of The Great British Bake Off. Researchers refer to the phenomenon as The Paddington Bear Theory of International Relations. The theory proposes that if one behaves politely enough, offers sufficient marmalade, and remembers to say "sorry," local institutions will respond favourably. Unfortunately, international law occasionally proves resistant to this approach. Marmalade, researchers confirmed, has no standing at The Hague. One traveller reportedly attempted to resolve a confrontation abroad by calmly explaining: "I pay my television licence." Observers described the strategy as "creative but ineffective." The traveller later conceded that the BBC's jurisdiction, while emotionally vast, remains legally limited to one archipelago and possibly the Isle of Man. Government Travel Advice Exists, Sighs Government The Foreign Office maintains an extensive database providing country-specific travel advice for every destination on Earth. Officials privately admit frustration that citizens routinely consult twelve separate websites comparing mojito prices while ignoring government travel advice entirely. "We've literally written it down," sighed one civil servant. "It's there. On the website. With bullet points." He stared into the middle distance for a moment, in the manner of a man who has spent eleven years formatting bullet points for an audience of nobody, then added, "We even did the local laws section in bold." Sources indicate the department briefly considered launching an app that automatically interrupts holiday searches. The prototype reportedly displayed messages such as: "Before selecting an ocean-view suite, please verify whether local legislation views your existence as a threat to civilisation." User testing produced mixed results. Participants appreciated the convenience but complained the warnings disrupted their browsing experience. One tester gave the app two stars, writing, "Useful, but a bit of a buzzkill before the bucket list." Coverage of the pilot scheme was first reported by Latest Story, alongside the news that the app's most-ignored notification was, in fact, all of them. The London Prat's Essential Pride Holiday Safety Checklist Human rights organisations have long highlighted the importance of understanding local conditions before travelling. Groups including Stonewall and the global federation ILGA World publish detailed information on the legal status of LGBTQ+ people worldwide, advocating awareness so that individuals can make informed decisions regarding personal safety. The London Prat, meanwhile, recommends adding the following questions to every holiday checklist: - Does the hotel provide beach towels? - Is the minibar reasonably priced? - Have I accidentally booked a week in a jurisdiction where seventeenth-century attitudes remain government policy? Consumer groups believe this represents common sense. Britons remain unconvinced. One man interviewed while boarding a flight insisted: "I'm sure it'll be fine." He then revealed he had packed only flip-flops and misplaced his passport. When asked whether he had read any travel advice at all, he said he had skimmed "the important bits," which on closer inspection turned out to be the cocktail menu and a review of the pool bar written by a woman named Denise. Psychologists describe optimism as an admirable quality. Travel insurance providers describe it differently. Mostly in the exclusions section. In small print. Under "acts of Denise." Out of Office, Not Out of Options: Celebrating Pride Safely Abroad As Pride events continue across Britain, organisers have encouraged celebration alongside practical awareness. Setting your email to out of office, they note, should not mean switching your judgment to the same setting. The message is straightforward. The world contains extraordinary diversity. Some destinations enthusiastically embrace it. Others regard diversity with approximately the same enthusiasm they reserve for parking fines. Pretending these differences don't exist rarely improves outcomes. A rainbow flag, after all, is a symbol of hope, but it is not a diplomatic passport, and waving it does not upgrade you to immunity class. International relations experts note that cultural sensitivity works in multiple directions. Respecting local customs need not require surrendering one's own values. Equally, assuming every destination shares identical social norms can prove surprisingly adventurous. Adventure tourism already includes mountaineering, shark diving, and bungee jumping. Experts recommend avoiding the additional category known as: "Discovering Geopolitics Through Personal Experience." Back at Heathrow, travellers continued checking departure boards. Families discussed luggage limits. Students debated exchange rates. Influencers practised reaction videos to events that had not yet occurred, which industry insiders call pre-acting and everyone else calls lying. The summer holiday season rolled onward with characteristic British determination, the kind usually reserved for queuing in the rain and pretending the barbecue is going well. Some passengers had researched local laws extensively. Others remained blissfully unaware that the phrase "When in Rome" possesses practical limitations, particularly when one is not, in fact, in Rome, but somewhere with considerably fewer fountains and considerably more felonies. Travel, after all, broadens horizons. It introduces new perspectives. It encourages empathy. It occasionally demonstrates that not every government updates its operating system at the same pace, and that some are still running on legislation last patched when wigs were mandatory in court and also at breakfast. Foreign Office officials hope their latest campaign succeeds. Not because they enjoy spoiling anyone's holiday. But because the ideal souvenir remains a novelty keyring rather than an urgent call to the embassy. As one experienced traveller observed: "There's absolutely nothing wrong with exploring the world. Just remember that guidebooks exist for a reason." He paused thoughtfully. "Also, perhaps read beyond the cocktail menu." And underneath the jokes sits the unglamorous truth. Millions of people do not get to treat safety research as an optional extra, because the laws in question are not punchlines to them but daily reality. The freedom to hold someone's hand in an airport without doing a quick mental risk assessment is something Brighton hands out for free and much of the world still rations. Knowing where you stand before you fly is not paranoia. It is the same instinct that makes you check the weather, except the forecast occasionally includes the government. The Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office publishes free, regularly updated travel advice for all destinations, including specific guidance for LGBT+ travellers covering local laws, attitudes, and safety considerations. Several countries continue to criminalise same-sex relationships, with penalties ranging from fines to imprisonment, and travellers are advised to consult official sources before booking. Disclaimer This article is British satirical journalism. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It does not mock LGBTQ+ people for existing or travelling. Rather, it pokes fun at the very British tendency to assume the rest of the world shares our social norms, legal frameworks, and obsession with online reviews. Always consult official travel advice before travelling abroad. For American satirical journalism of a similar calibre but louder volume, visit Bohiney.com. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! Read the full article

[londonprat]

Pride Travel Guide 2026

Pride Travel Guide 2026: Check the Law Before You Check In Influencers Shocked To Discover Human Rights Do Not Come Standard With Airport Transfers By Harriet Collins LONDON – As June ushers in both Pride celebrations and the annual British tradition of spending three months' salary on flights to countries described in brochures as "vibrant," the Foreign Office has issued updated Pride travel guidance encouraging LGBTQ+ travellers to perform the revolutionary act of checking local laws before uploading TikToks captioned, "Living my best life!" The advice, in short: before you check in, check the checks and balances. Or at least check whether the destination has any. The revised advisory comes after several British tourists reportedly expressed surprise that not every nation interprets rainbow accessories as a festive contribution to the local colour palette. One man returned from a fortnight abroad describing the experience as "less Pride, more prejudice," which is the closest anyone from Surrey has come to literary criticism since 2009. Officials stressed that the world remains a diverse place, with different customs, traditions, cuisines, and occasionally legal systems that appear to have been drafted by someone who thought the eighteenth century was getting a bit too progressive. "The purpose of travel is cultural exchange," explained one Foreign Office representative. "Ideally, that exchange should not involve accidentally discovering the criminal code halfway through your holiday." He added that the department prefers tourists to experience a brief encounter with local culture rather than a lengthy one with local briefs. Foreign Office Launches "Google It Before You Book It" Travel Advice Campaign The department has therefore launched a public awareness campaign entitled: "Google It Before You Book It." The slogan is intended to remind holidaymakers that researching whether a destination criminalises aspects of your identity should perhaps rank slightly above confirming whether the hotel includes complimentary slippers. The official FCDO guidance for LGBT+ travellers has existed for years, quietly waiting to be read, like a gym membership of the soul. The campaign was prompted by a rising number of tourists who devote twenty-seven hours to selecting swimwear while allocating approximately six seconds to examining local laws. Researchers describe this as a departure from reality, usually from Gatwick, usually at 6:40 in the morning. One traveller interviewed at Heathrow admitted: "I spent three weeks comparing infinity pools but didn't think to check whether holding my partner's hand might trigger an international incident." He had, however, packed four types of sunscreen, factor 15 through factor 50, which experts note offers excellent protection against ultraviolet light and absolutely none against statute. Why British Tourists Confuse Holiday Packing With Legal Research Travel experts describe the phenomenon as a uniquely modern condition. Previous generations worried about passport validity and mosquito repellent. Contemporary tourists worry about obtaining aesthetically pleasing photographs for social media. The result is a generation fluent in baggage allowances but oblivious to legal baggage, capable of identifying a rooftop bar from orbit but unable to locate a penal code with both hands and a search engine. Several influencers have reportedly been astonished to discover that human rights protections are not automatically included alongside airport transfers and breakfast buffets. One asked her travel agent whether rights could be "added at checkout, like extra legroom." The agent reportedly went very quiet, then very pale, then on a sabbatical. One lifestyle creator posted a video asking why local authorities in an unspecified destination appeared "weirdly hostile to self-expression." Followers later pointed out that the country's legal system had been remarkably explicit about the matter for decades. Organisations such as the Human Dignity Trust maintain maps of exactly which jurisdictions criminalise same-sex relationships, maps which remain considerably less consulted than the one showing the walking distance to the nearest beach club. The video subsequently attracted seventeen million views and three sponsorship offers, including one from a brand of noise-cancelling headphones, which observers described as thematically appropriate. The Paddington Bear Theory of International Relations The British public remains divided. Some argue travellers should enjoy complete freedom to explore the world. Others suggest spending approximately eight minutes researching a nation's legal environment before arriving with a suitcase full of assumptions and a carry-on full of more assumptions. "It's not complicated," said one retired geography teacher from Manchester. "If you're going somewhere new, perhaps check whether the local customs involve afternoon tea or public floggings." The woman described the distinction as "quite important." She also noted that in forty years of teaching, she had never once met a pupil who could find Belize on a map but had met several who could find a Belize beach club's Instagram in under four seconds. Travel agents have responded by expanding their advisory services. Holiday packages now include guidance covering visa requirements, vaccination recommendations, baggage allowances, and the increasingly popular section entitled: "Things That May Be Perfectly Acceptable In Brighton But Potentially Less Successful Elsewhere." Industry insiders report overwhelming demand. The travel association ABTA has long encouraged travellers to research destinations before departure, advice which has historically performed about as well as the safety briefing on a budget airline. Meanwhile, social scientists have identified a broader tendency among Britons to assume the entire planet functions according to principles developed during a particularly agreeable episode of The Great British Bake Off. Researchers refer to the phenomenon as The Paddington Bear Theory of International Relations. The theory proposes that if one behaves politely enough, offers sufficient marmalade, and remembers to say "sorry," local institutions will respond favourably. Unfortunately, international law occasionally proves resistant to this approach. Marmalade, researchers confirmed, has no standing at The Hague. One traveller reportedly attempted to resolve a confrontation abroad by calmly explaining: "I pay my television licence." Observers described the strategy as "creative but ineffective." The traveller later conceded that the BBC's jurisdiction, while emotionally vast, remains legally limited to one archipelago and possibly the Isle of Man. Government Travel Advice Exists, Sighs Government The Foreign Office maintains an extensive database providing country-specific travel advice for every destination on Earth. Officials privately admit frustration that citizens routinely consult twelve separate websites comparing mojito prices while ignoring government travel advice entirely. "We've literally written it down," sighed one civil servant. "It's there. On the website. With bullet points." He stared into the middle distance for a moment, in the manner of a man who has spent eleven years formatting bullet points for an audience of nobody, then added, "We even did the local laws section in bold." Sources indicate the department briefly considered launching an app that automatically interrupts holiday searches. The prototype reportedly displayed messages such as: "Before selecting an ocean-view suite, please verify whether local legislation views your existence as a threat to civilisation." User testing produced mixed results. Participants appreciated the convenience but complained the warnings disrupted their browsing experience. One tester gave the app two stars, writing, "Useful, but a bit of a buzzkill before the bucket list." Coverage of the pilot scheme was first reported by Latest Story, alongside the news that the app's most-ignored notification was, in fact, all of them. The London Prat's Essential Pride Holiday Safety Checklist Human rights organisations have long highlighted the importance of understanding local conditions before travelling. Groups including Stonewall and the global federation ILGA World publish detailed information on the legal status of LGBTQ+ people worldwide, advocating awareness so that individuals can make informed decisions regarding personal safety. The London Prat, meanwhile, recommends adding the following questions to every holiday checklist: - Does the hotel provide beach towels? - Is the minibar reasonably priced? - Have I accidentally booked a week in a jurisdiction where seventeenth-century attitudes remain government policy? Consumer groups believe this represents common sense. Britons remain unconvinced. One man interviewed while boarding a flight insisted: "I'm sure it'll be fine." He then revealed he had packed only flip-flops and misplaced his passport. When asked whether he had read any travel advice at all, he said he had skimmed "the important bits," which on closer inspection turned out to be the cocktail menu and a review of the pool bar written by a woman named Denise. Psychologists describe optimism as an admirable quality. Travel insurance providers describe it differently. Mostly in the exclusions section. In small print. Under "acts of Denise." Out of Office, Not Out of Options: Celebrating Pride Safely Abroad As Pride events continue across Britain, organisers have encouraged celebration alongside practical awareness. Setting your email to out of office, they note, should not mean switching your judgment to the same setting. The message is straightforward. The world contains extraordinary diversity. Some destinations enthusiastically embrace it. Others regard diversity with approximately the same enthusiasm they reserve for parking fines. Pretending these differences don't exist rarely improves outcomes. A rainbow flag, after all, is a symbol of hope, but it is not a diplomatic passport, and waving it does not upgrade you to immunity class. International relations experts note that cultural sensitivity works in multiple directions. Respecting local customs need not require surrendering one's own values. Equally, assuming every destination shares identical social norms can prove surprisingly adventurous. Adventure tourism already includes mountaineering, shark diving, and bungee jumping. Experts recommend avoiding the additional category known as: "Discovering Geopolitics Through Personal Experience." Back at Heathrow, travellers continued checking departure boards. Families discussed luggage limits. Students debated exchange rates. Influencers practised reaction videos to events that had not yet occurred, which industry insiders call pre-acting and everyone else calls lying. The summer holiday season rolled onward with characteristic British determination, the kind usually reserved for queuing in the rain and pretending the barbecue is going well. Some passengers had researched local laws extensively. Others remained blissfully unaware that the phrase "When in Rome" possesses practical limitations, particularly when one is not, in fact, in Rome, but somewhere with considerably fewer fountains and considerably more felonies. Travel, after all, broadens horizons. It introduces new perspectives. It encourages empathy. It occasionally demonstrates that not every government updates its operating system at the same pace, and that some are still running on legislation last patched when wigs were mandatory in court and also at breakfast. Foreign Office officials hope their latest campaign succeeds. Not because they enjoy spoiling anyone's holiday. But because the ideal souvenir remains a novelty keyring rather than an urgent call to the embassy. As one experienced traveller observed: "There's absolutely nothing wrong with exploring the world. Just remember that guidebooks exist for a reason." He paused thoughtfully. "Also, perhaps read beyond the cocktail menu." And underneath the jokes sits the unglamorous truth. Millions of people do not get to treat safety research as an optional extra, because the laws in question are not punchlines to them but daily reality. The freedom to hold someone's hand in an airport without doing a quick mental risk assessment is something Brighton hands out for free and much of the world still rations. Knowing where you stand before you fly is not paranoia. It is the same instinct that makes you check the weather, except the forecast occasionally includes the government. The Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office publishes free, regularly updated travel advice for all destinations, including specific guidance for LGBT+ travellers covering local laws, attitudes, and safety considerations. Several countries continue to criminalise same-sex relationships, with penalties ranging from fines to imprisonment, and travellers are advised to consult official sources before booking. Disclaimer This article is British satirical journalism. It is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. It does not mock LGBTQ+ people for existing or travelling. Rather, it pokes fun at the very British tendency to assume the rest of the world shares our social norms, legal frameworks, and obsession with online reviews. Always consult official travel advice before travelling abroad. For American satirical journalism of a similar calibre but louder volume, visit Bohiney.com. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! Read the full article

[londonprat]

State Secrets UK

    statesecrets.co.uk   Read the full article

[londonprat]

State Secrets UK

    statesecrets.co.uk   Read the full article

[londonprat]

Scarborough Beach UK

  scarboroughbeach.co.uk   Read the full article

[londonprat]

Scarborough Beach UK

  scarboroughbeach.co.uk   Read the full article

[londonprat]

Whitby Turning Every Historical Disaster Into A Tourist Attraction

Whitby Celebrates 1,300 Years Of Turning Every Historical Disaster Into A Tourist Attraction Ancient Monks, Whalers, Vampires And Fish Suppers: The Yorkshire Town That Refused To Pick A Theme WHITBY, NORTH YORKSHIRE. Historians have confirmed that the town of Whitby has spent the last 1,300 years repeatedly reinventing itself after discovering that "mysterious Gothic fishing port with excellent fish and chips" remains surprisingly recession-proof. While the rest of Britain spends fortunes on consultants to discover its identity, Whitby long ago worked out that you do not need to find an identity if you simply collect all of them. The town has the historical coherence of a charity-shop window and the commercial instincts of a Las Vegas casino, and it has never once apologised for either. The Year 657 AD: Saint Hilda And Britain's First Committee Meeting Whitby began life in 657 AD, when the Saxon abbey was founded under the leadership of Saint Hilda. The monastery later hosted the Synod of Whitby in 664, where church leaders settled disputes over how Christianity would operate in England, a gathering you can read about via Britannica's account of the Synod of Whitby if you wish to confirm that the town was holding tense meetings about scheduling before scheduling was even a recognised problem. Local tourism officials have since described the Synod as "Britain's first recorded committee meeting that could have been an email." The chief item on the agenda was the date of Easter, which is to say that England's foundational religious dispute was, at heart, an argument about a calendar. Anyone who has sat through a parish council meeting will recognise the format immediately. Archaeologists say Whitby's earliest residents chose the location because it offered protection from storms, abundant fishing opportunities, and a convenient cliff from which future generations could stare dramatically into the North Sea while discussing vampires. Saint Hilda is also credited with turning a plague of snakes to stone, which the faithful regard as a miracle and which geologists regard as ammonites. Whitby, in its usual fashion, sells both versions in the gift shop. Viking Raids: The Town Survives Its First Genuinely Bad Review The abbey flourished for centuries until Viking raids interrupted operations. "History books describe it as a devastating attack," explained one local guide. "Modern Whitby residents would probably classify it as 'slightly busier than Goth Weekend.'" The Vikings arrived expecting plunder and reportedly left mildly impressed by the parking. They burned, they looted, they sailed away, and Whitby did what Whitby always does, which is rebuild, restock the fudge, and wait for the next wave of visitors with poor manners and large boats. The abbey ruins you can visit today, courtesy of English Heritage at Whitby Abbey, have outlasted every single one of the people who tried to destroy them, which is a lesson the Vikings did not stay long enough to learn. Captain James Cook And The Whitby Apprenticeship That Charted The Pacific Whitby's fortunes rose again through fishing, shipbuilding, and maritime trade. By the eighteenth century, the town had become synonymous with Captain James Cook, who learned his seafaring skills there before sailing off to chart much of the Pacific. The harbourside house where the teenage Cook lodged in the attic is now the Captain Cook Memorial Museum, a building that has done more for British exploration than most government departments manage in a century, and on a smaller heating bill. Yorkshire mothers allegedly spent decades asking their children: "Why can't you be more like James Cook? He explored Australia before breakfast and still had time to apprentice in Whitby." Cook's ships were built using sturdy Whitby collier designs that could withstand rough seas, terrible weather, and eventually Australian schoolchildren complaining they had to memorise his name. The genius of the Whitby collier was that it was flat-bottomed, unglamorous, and almost impossible to sink, which made it the perfect vessel for a man whose entire career consisted of sailing confidently toward places nobody had labelled yet. There is something deeply Yorkshire about conquering a third of the globe in a boat originally designed to haul coal. The Whaling Years: When The Town Decided What It Really Needed Was More Harpoons Then Whitby discovered whaling. Victorian entrepreneurs apparently examined the vast North Sea and concluded: "You know what this place needs? More harpoons." Giant whale jawbones still stand near the harbour today, serving as monuments to a period when local employment opportunities included "fisherman," "shipwright," and "professional whale botherer." Tourists now pose beneath the jawbone arch for photographs, blissfully unaware that they are framing their holiday memories inside the mouth of a creature their great-great-grandparents harpooned for lamp oil. Whitby finds this neither morbid nor ironic. Whitby finds it good for footfall. Victorian Whitby: Sea Air, Social Status And A Reassuring Distance From The Poor By the nineteenth century, Whitby had again adapted, this time becoming a fashionable seaside resort. Wealthy industrialists arrived seeking fresh sea air, picturesque scenery, and reassurance that poorer people remained at a safe geographical distance. The West Cliff terraces were duly built, the better sort installed themselves with a view, and a thriving trade emerged in selling expensive calm to people who had made their fortunes manufacturing the opposite. The fishing families, meanwhile, carried on fishing, on the entirely correct assumption that fashions come and go but cod is forever. Whitby has never quite shaken this double identity, and you can trace the same tension across plenty of British coastal towns that the Latest Story Magazine has chronicled, the ones forever balancing the people who live there against the people who arrive in August expecting it to perform. Bram Stoker, Dracula And The Greatest Branding Decision In Yorkshire History Then, in 1890, Irish author Bram Stoker visited Whitby. Everything changed. Stoker became fascinated by the ruined abbey, the churchyard, local folklore, and a shipwreck story he encountered during his stay. These influences would later appear in Dracula, forever linking Whitby with the world's most famous vampire. Other towns reacted with confusion. Blackpool had illuminations. Scarborough had beaches. Whitby somehow marketed itself using an undead aristocrat with serious dental issues. Modern tourism experts regard this as visionary branding. No marketing agency on earth would have approved the pitch. Imagine the meeting. "Right, our core offer is a centuries-dead bloodsucking count who arrives by shipwreck and bites the locals, and we would like that on the tea towels by Tuesday." And yet it worked, because Whitby understood something every quango has missed since: you cannot manufacture authenticity, you can only stumble into it and then have the good sense not to tidy it up afterwards. Whitby residents simply shrug. "We've had Vikings, plague, German shelling, collapsing fishing industries and coach tours," said one local. "Dracula barely cracks the top ten." German Shelling And The Abbey That Simply Refuses To Die Indeed, Whitby Abbey itself suffered bombardment from the German navy during the First World War. The abbey ruins survived. Because apparently nothing short of divine intervention, Viking invasions, Tudor monarchs, or German battleships can completely eliminate a Yorkshire tourist attraction. Henry VIII dissolved it. The weather has battered it for seven centuries. The Kaiser's navy shelled it. And still it stands on the clifftop, charging admission, outlasting empires the way other buildings outlast a coat of paint. If you want a metaphor for British stubbornness, you could do worse than a thirteenth-century ruin that has been declared finished four separate times and keeps reopening with a new café. Whitby Goth Weekend: The Twice-Yearly Invasion Of The Eyeliner The town later embraced Goth culture with astonishing enthusiasm. Twice annually, thousands of visitors dressed in elaborate Victorian Gothic costumes descend upon Whitby. To outsiders, this appears unusual. To Whitby locals, it merely means: "Parking becomes impossible and Tesco sells out of black eyeliner." Economic researchers estimate Goth Weekend contributes millions to the local economy. Fish-and-chip shop owners have developed a remarkable ability to serve customers dressed as eighteenth-century vampires without displaying the slightest emotional reaction. A man can order a large haddock while wearing a velvet frock coat, a top hat, and the complexion of a recently exhumed earl, and the woman behind the counter will ask only whether he wants scraps and mushy peas. This is not rudeness. This is Yorkshire hospitality at its most magnificent: an absolute refusal to be impressed by anybody, alive or otherwise. Britain's Healthiest Relationship With Its Own History Whitby itself remains gloriously indifferent to changing fashions. The harbour still bustles. The famous 199 Steps still challenge tourists, defeating roughly one stag party per weekend. The abbey still dominates the skyline. And visitors continue arriving for fish suppers, which the VisitWhitby tourism guide will happily point you toward should the eyeliner and the vampires fail to fill you up. Sociologists believe Whitby represents Britain's ideal relationship with history. Rather than preserving a coherent narrative, the town simply accumulates additional layers. Ancient Christianity? Certainly. Viking invasions? Naturally. Maritime exploration? Of course. Whaling? Why not. Vampires? Obviously. Award-winning fish and chips? Absolutely essential. The result resembles a history teacher suffering a mild concussion. Yet somehow it works. Recent visitors describe Whitby as simultaneously relaxing, spooky, educational, and mildly cholesterol-inducing. "It feels like several entirely different towns occupying the same postcode," observed one tourist. "You can learn about Saint Hilda, Captain Cook, Dracula, and then consume enough battered cod to require immediate medical attention." One Government Report Allegedly Concluded: "It's Yorkshire. Stop Asking Questions." Urban planners have unsuccessfully attempted to categorise Whitby for decades. The deadpan-sounding Institute for Coastal Coherence reportedly assigned three researchers to the problem and lost all three to the fudge shops. One government report allegedly concluded: "It's Yorkshire. Stop asking questions." And this, underneath all the bunting and battered cod, is the serious point worth keeping. Whitby is what happens when a place is left alone to become itself. Nobody planned this town. No regeneration board sat down in 1850 and decreed a Gothic literary pilgrimage site with a maritime museum attached. The abbey, the colliers, the whalers, the vampires, the goths and the chip shops all arrived because ordinary people spotted an opportunity and took it, one trade at a time, century after century, with no central committee approving the brand. Whitby thrives precisely because nobody was ever clever enough to stop it, and every attempt to file it under a single tidy heading has failed because a living town is not a form to be completed. It is a thousand small enterprises agreeing, quietly and without permission, to keep the lights on. Other places desperately pursue modern identities. Whitby cheerfully embraces all of them simultaneously. It remains a fishing port, a literary pilgrimage site, a Gothic capital, a maritime museum, a religious landmark, a seaside holiday destination, and one of Britain's few locations where you can buy a vampire-themed tea towel within walking distance of a medieval church. After thirteen centuries, Whitby continues thriving through an innovative economic strategy best summarised as: "If history happens near us, we'll sell postcards." Frankly, given Britain's current economic climate, other towns may wish they had thought of it first. The genius was never the vampire or the abbey or the cod. The genius was the postcard, the refusal to apologise, and the deep Yorkshire conviction that anything worth surviving is also worth charging for. This piece arrives amid renewed national interest in how Britain's heritage towns turn the past into a living wage, as seaside economies wrestle with seasonal trade, second homes and the eternal question of who exactly a town is for. Whitby, characteristically, has declined to answer the question and instead opened another fudge shop. This week's disclaimer is provided, under duress, by the oldest tenured professor the building still admits, who took his philosophy degree in 1962, fled the lecture hall in despair, and now keeps a small dairy herd in Herefordshire where he insists the cows have a firmer grasp of cause and effect than most tourism boards. He instructs us to record the following: this story is satire and entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, namely himself and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who has never knowingly been to Whitby but has strong opinions about it regardless. No vampires, Vikings, or irritated whale populations were consulted during preparation. The professor adds that he believes Saint Hilda really did do something about the snakes, that the ammonites are not fooling anybody, and that you should trust this article roughly as far as you would trust a North Sea weather forecast. For the American cousins of this fine art, namely the United States habit of bolting a gift shop onto every historical tragedy it can find, our friends across the water at Bohiney.com are keeping the tally. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! thewhitbyseagull.co.uk Read the full article